Saturday, February 14, 2009

I'm your Omblogsman

As per my usual, I’m pretty nonplussed by today’s Hallmark “holiday”, and even if I did have a loved-one to participate in it with, I probably wouldn’t bother.  Just as wellI haven’t been with anyone in almost ten years, and I’m beginning to wonder if my window of opportunity has already closed to find that special someone.  I rarely meet anyone of the female persuasion that even remotely honks my hooter anymore, but you can’t accuse me of being too picky, either, at least in terms of looks.  I have no use for scrawny supermodels, and I don’t mind a woman with a little meat on her bones.  Hell, Renee Zellweger looks much better to me in Bridget Jones mode, than all emaciated like she usually is on the red carpets.  I think Mott The Hoople’s Ian Hunter once put my situation best: “All of The Good Ones Are Taken”, and what few available ones that are left out there always seem to either have more facial hair than I do, or look like Joe Torre in drag, so I’m pretty well screwed…

“What Alex (Rodriguez) did was wrong and he will have to live with the damage he has done…there is no valid excuse for using such substances, and those who use them have shamed the game.”MLB Commissioner Bud Selig

You tell ‘em, Bud, you righteous dude!  Yes, folks, that’s the George W. Bush of baseball commissioners denouncing a situation that took place entirely during his watch, yet he’s the one who stood around with his hands in his pockets (literally) and turned a blind eye to it all when McGwire and Sosa and Bonds and A-Rod were assailing home run records and filling stadium seats, all for the “good of the game”.  You can’t tell me this crap-weasel wasn’t aware how rampant steroid use was in the late ‘90s and early ‘00s.  Now Bud’s even waffling about the possibility of restoring Hank Aaron as the true home run king—which we already know he is, anyway.  Could someone please explain to me why Selig—who is the equivalent of a one-legged Riverdancer—is still in office?

As for the revelation that Mr. $25 mil a year (A-Rod) did steroids, does this come as a shock to anyone besides the great and powerful Bud?  I will say this, though—it’s a little warped that only A-Rod’s name came out in this latest FUBAR—what about the other 104 names that are on this list?  Seems to me that they should be revealed as well.  What’s more stunning is throughout this whole performance-enhancing drug era, attendance at Major League games continues to increase, and people (me included) are still watching the game on TV as much as they ever did.  As Don Henley sang, “They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast.”

A couple months back, I did a bit about the Steve Miller Band concert that was scheduled for New Year’s Eve at the Pavilion at John Knox Village, a major retirement village in nearby Lee’s Summit, and noted the irony of a Rock concert at an old folks home.  My good friend John—who once worked at the Pavilion many years ago—was quick to chastise me about what I wrote, saying how narrow-minded and uninformed I was because they hold concerts there all the time.  I wasn’t putting it down or anything—I just thought it was an odd place for a Rock concert.  Evidently the Steve Miller show never happened, but flash ahead to the piece in Friday’s K.C. Star by columnist Mike Hendricks about the upcoming .38 Special show scheduled in two weeks at JKV in which he posed the very same question I did, “…this is taking geezer rock too far, don’t you think?  Rock concerts at nursing homes?”

According to the article, this is John Knox’s first stab at a Rock show featuring a nationally-known act, therefore to my friend John, I say I was correct (as usual) in the first place!  Even the JKV people admit that .38 isn’t exactly their residents’ demographic, but hey, if they can make a buck, more power to ‘em, I guess.  The true irony of all this is how .38 Special’s Donnie Van Zant’s late brother Ronnie of Lynyrd Skynyrd once sang (as the good Dr. Sardonicus accurately pointed out to me at the time) the line, “You won’t find me in an old folks home…”

Speaking of Brother Donnie, I love the spin-doctoring the .38 Special website puts on about how he “races across the stage ‘like a tornado’, incites audiences ‘into mass hysteria’ and makes every show ‘a heart-pounding experience.”  Uhhhh, back up the truck a minute—we ain’t exactly talking about Elvis here!  Okay, .38 is a good live band, if not a great one (I’ve seen them twice), but Donnie Van Zant doesn’t even do the bulk of the singing for this outfit—guitarist Don Barnes is the one you hear singing on nearly all of their big radio hits like “Hold On Loosely”, “Rockin’ Into The Night” and “Caught Up In You”.  DVZ is more like the Shemp Howard of Rock ‘N’ Roll singers, in a way.

I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir here, but there’s something very warped about this octuplet-bearing chick that already had six kids (two of whom are disabled) who is hellbent on starting her own country, it appears.  This twitwho apparently donated her brain to science before she was done with itis unwed, owes 50 grand in student loans and lives off food stamps, yet apparently plans to mooch off the government for even more financial aid to raise her flotilla of kidlets.  And whoever this doctor is that fertilized her in the first place should be strung up by his stethoscope!  And then comes word today that her publicists are leaving her because of death threats.  What the hell does she need with a publicist in the first place?  What a country…

“Keep The Fire Burnin’”—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1982)  “We can help one another be strong…”  Kevin Cronin sang that line so fast, I thought it was “We can help one and never be strong…” which makes absolutely no sense at all, of course.  Talk about an album (Good Trouble) that was a victim of overly-high expectations in the wake of their breakout Hi inFIdelity.  Of course, anything would’ve been a comedown after an album like that.  I always liked the title track, though.

Whenever a woman removes a wig on screen, there’s this amazing phenomenon wherein her real hair always comes tumbling out from underneath into a perfect hairstyle—never mind all the caps, hairnets, pins, staples, corkscrews and whatever other under-armor is usually a prerequisite for wearing a wig, particularly for long-haired gals.  Nah, in this parallel universe, in a just matter of seconds, these women seemingly always look like they just stepped out of the beauty salon when they take off their hairpieces.

And in a semi-related cliché scenario, it’s amazing how people in movies who are made up to be bald with rubber skullcaps almost always seem to only wear turtlenecks.

Ever heard of anal glaucoma?  It’s this common affliction that causes an employee to call in sick (especially on Fridays) and inform his/her supervisor, “I just can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Another classic from the archives...

I didn't write this, but I wish I had.  Enjoy the new rules...

1. New Rule:  Stop giving me that pop-up ad for!  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule:  Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it cost less than a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain?  Trout?  Luckily, it was only a finger!  If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3. New Rule:  Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.  I have a better description for these kids:  lucky bastards.
4. New Rule:  If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.  When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
5. New Rule:  Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.  Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:  do you have two of them?  Okay, we're done.
6. New Rule:  There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.
7. New Rule:  Stop fucking with old people.  Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, and with a bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.  And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his old ass will be in the morgue.  Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
8. New Rule:  The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're such a huge asshole.
9. New Rule:  I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.  Paper, plastic?  I don't have time for that.  I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
10. New Rule:  Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to "beef with broccoli."  The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not spiritual.  You're just high.
11. New Rule:  Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's next, competitive farting?  Oh wait.  They're already doing that.  It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
12. New Rule:  I don't need a bigger mega M&M.  If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go wild and eat two.
13. New Rule:  No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue:  No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.  I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.  I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.  I just want to wash my hands.
15. New Rule:  When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.  "27 Months."  "He's two," will do just fine.  He's not a cheese.
16. New Rule:  If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.