Since I did the Best Cover Songs of All-Time a while back, it only seems fair that I do the other end of the remake spectrum:
1) "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"/"Mr. Tambourine Man"—WILLIAM SHATNER (1968) [TIE] These have to be the all-time champion worst remakes of all-time, bar none. A little background: In an effort to capitalize on his success from "Star Trek", William Shatner recorded an album called The Transformed Man. Not real sure what sort of transformation took place here, since the album cover featured him in Capt. Kirk mode anyway. What always amazes me about these albums from the ‘60s where TV and movie people took a shot at "singing", is that more than one person was involved in making them, and surely somewhere along the way, someone—be it the producer, a record company exec., one of the musicians, perhaps the recording studio janitor, whoever—could’ve have had the balls to stand up and say to the celebrity, "You really ought to re-think this…" or "This is downright abysmal!" Anything to prevent the celebrity from embarrassing himself/herself.
Anyway, Shatner didn’t actually sing here—he just recited the lyrics, and over-emoted them at every turn. "Picture yourself…in a boat…on a river…"/"a girl…with kaleidoscope EYES!", augmented with some chirpy girly singers doing the "Lucy In The Sky" choruses. I can only imagine what John Lennon thought about this savage butchering of his song, but upon hearing this travesty, Paul McCartney was quoted as saying, "That was just wrong!" Or as Shatner himself would say it, "That…was…just…WRONG!" "Tambourine Man" was even funnier, with our Captain Kirk pleading and screaming at the end, "MR. TAMBOURINE MAAAAANNNNN!" One of the rare times when a Bob Dylan song did NOT sound better when someone else recorded it...
2) “You Shook Me All Night Long”—CELINE DION/ANASTACIA (2002?) Even though this wasn’t an actual recording per se, I’m including it anyway because it may well be the ultimate Rock ‘N’ Roll cringe moment. It happened circa. 2002 on one of VH-1’s insufferable “Divas” shows wherein torch song/movie soundtrack queen Celine Dion was teamed up with R&B shouter Anastacia to duet on AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long”. Don’t believe me? Check it out here and be horrified, if you dare! To say that these two were out of their element here is a MAJOR understatement! I can honestly say that the first time I viewed this travesty, I was rendered totally dumbfounded—no, wait, downright speechless—for at least 30 minutes afterwards! Between Anesthesia wailing away like a banshee on steroids and Ms. Dion playing air guitar and duck-walking across the stage (in high heels) like Chuck Berry, this catastrophe can best be described as a desperate cry for help. This thing made that Oscar opening number with Rob Lowe seem almost palpable. Then again, it could've been worse—they could have done "Whole Lotta Rosie" (or "Big Balls"). In any event, we HAVE been slimed…
3) "If I Had A Hammer"/"Proud Mary"—LEONARD NIMOY (1969) [TIE] It seems most illogical that Mr. Spock didn’t learn from Cap’n Kirk’s failure the year before, and tried to pass himself off as "Soul Brother #2". To his credit, he at least actually tried to sing, but sadly Nimoy's monotone voice had all the soul of a Lawrence Welk record, even with his valiant attempt to sound like John Fogerty ("Big wheels keep on toy-nin/Proud Mary keep on boy-nin"). Brother Leo was a fine narrator on TV, but he proved beyond the shadow of a doubt here that he ain’t no Sinatra—not even a Mel Torme. The cheesy backing tracks were rather comical too—they seemed to have captured the essence of what the Larry Davis Experience on "The Simpsons" might have sounded like in real life...
4) “Another Saturday Night”—CAT STEVENS (1975) Ol’ Yusuf sounded so utterly silly on this Sam Cooke classic—after sounding like a tree-hugging hippie on everything he’d recorded prior to it. This putrid piece of chart desperation was akin to Bread doing “Mony, Mony” or Seals & Crofts doing "Wooly Bully". It wasn’t long afterward that Cat got religion and shunned secular music and started supporting Islamic calls for Salman Rushdie’s execution, etc. I'll politely defer to what comedian Dennis Miller once said on “Saturday Night Live" to convey my personal opinion here: “So much for all that ‘Peace Train’ crap, eh Cat?” I hear Yusuf no longer shuns secular music and recently put out a new CD, and also loaned one or two of his old songs to current TV ads. I guess if you need the paycheck bad enough, screw that religion crap, eh Cat (er uh, Yusuf)? Asshole...
5) “Helter Skelter”—PAT BENATAR (1981) Man, I hate to pick on Pat here, since she starred in more than a few of my dreams during my testosterony pubescent years, but somehow a sexy chick singer in a spandex leotard and tights singing a song inspired by Charlie Manson’s mayhem doesn’t quite register. Motley Crue’s version wasn’t much better, either.
6) “I Saw Him Standing There”—TIFFANY (1987) Didn’t this thing sound like it came from the soundtrack of some crappy Alyssa Milano movie or something? Young Tiff' made Debbie Gibson seem like Madonna in comparison…
7) “Knock On Wood”—ANITA WOOD (1979) The late Otis Redding must have been turning in his grave when this disco-fied piece of noise came out. Nothing subtle about this recording, is there?
8) "Tell Me Why"—APRIL WINE (1982) I have no clue why April Wine chose to take this really cool upbeat Beatles song and slow it to a crawl and suck the life right out of it.
9) "Rock And Roll All Nite"—GIN BLOSSOMS (1994) Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Very similar to #8 here. You don’t play this song slow under ANY circumstances.
10) “Cool Jerk ‘90”—THE GO-GO’S (1990) Hate to criticize my girls here (after all, I went through puberty with them too—Jane and Belinda, in particular—and this one wasn't so bad as it was just totally unnecessary. The Go-Go’s had already successfully covered this 1966 classic by The Capitols on their second album in 1982. The song was a staple of their live act as well, but they redid the thing AGAIN just to have a new track on the first of their many greatest hits albums as part of the first of their many reunions, and it wasn’t nearly as good as the first time. Might’ve made more sense just to throw in a live version of it on the best-of CD, hmm? By the way (and I don't mean to be mean), it seems kinda sad when you have more greatest hits albums than original albums, don't it?
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Thursday, January 4, 2007
World's Dumbest Song Lyrics of All-Time, Vol. I
First of a recurring series (In no particular order)...
"Take The Money And Run"—STEVE MILLER BAND (1977) "…He knows exactly what the facts is." "Facts is?" My guess is ol’ Steve had the damndest time trying to find something to rhyme with "taxes". English teachers everywhere should have swooned even more over this one than they did over Pink Floyd’s "We don’t need no education". Steve actually might’ve been able to get away with this one had he written it about 15 years later during the fax machine era and could have somehow worked in the word "faxes".
"Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me?—PAUL STANLEY (1978) "You got the key, but babe, I locked the gate." Hate to pick on this one because it’s not a bad song, but this line makes no sense. You locked the gate alright, but the fact remains, Paul—she’s STILL GOT THE KEY!! Unless of course she’s a blonde and it’s a combination lock, then all bets are off…
"Time For Me To Fly"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1978) "…enough of the jealousy and the intoleration…" Kevin Cronin apparently flunked English class in school, because there ain’t no such word as intoleration! Intolerance, yes, but not intoleration. What’s really stupid is he could have easily substituted "aggravation" or maybe "irritation" for intoleration, and it would have worked just fine.
"Honey Honey"—ABBA (1974) "You’re a doggone beast!" ABBA’s Björn Ulvæus speaks five languages fluently and probably speaks English more better than I do (pun intended), but his use of metaphors is a whole other matter entirely. A doggone beast?!? That’s great if you’re referring to Shrek or perhaps a large vehicle with a Hemi in it, but not as a term of endearment in a schlocky love song.
"Jump"—VAN HALEN (1984) I love Van Halen (at least before Eddie reincarnated into Little Hitler, I did, anyway), but I absolutely abhor this song! I swear, I think David Lee Roth just made the words up to this one as he went along. Follow along with me here, if you will: "I get up and nothing gets me down" (how nice to hear)/"You got it tough/I’ve seen the toughest around" (the toughest what?)/"You got to roll-o-oll with the punches to get to what’s real" (great advice, but what’s that got to do with the first two lines?)/"Can’t ya see me here/I got my back against the record machine" (shades of The Fonz)/"I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen" (whatever you say, Dave)/"Ah, can’t you see what I mean?" (No, not really Dave—hence why I’m writing this!)/"Ah, might as well Jump!" (Jump where? How high?).
The second verse is even dumber: "Oh-ho! Hey you! Who said that?" (Huh?)/"Baby, how you been?" (I’m fine, thank you—how are you?)/"You say you won’t know until you begin." (Begin what?!?). Does anyone have a clue what this song is about? I’m at a total loss. And naturally it was the only Van Halen song to hit #1.
"Deuce"—KISS (1974) "Get up and get your grandma outta here" Classic example of song lyrics that SOUND really cool when you sing them, but are total nonsense. Even Gene Simmons (who wrote it) claims complete ignorance about what they mean, if anything.
"Goin’ Blind"—KISS (1974) "I'm 93, you're 16" Gene strikes again with a song about an old man and a young chick. Makes that whole Anna Nicole Smith thing seem almost bearable! Ewwww!
"Chevy Van"--SAMMY JOHNS (1975) "Get some sleep and dream of Rock And Roll." Okey-fine, Sam, to each his/her own. I love R ‘n’ R, too, but dat ain’t high on my dream priority list. No wonder he was a one-hit wonder…
"Roundabout"—YES (1972) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there." Yep, that’s pretty much what mountains do, alright—they just stand there! BTW, you don't suppose there's a Yes tribute band out there named "Yep", do ya? Or perhaps "Yeah"? "Affirmative"? Maybe "Aye, Aye"? "Hell Yes", perhaps? Whaddya mean "No"?!?
"Draggin’ The Line"—TOMMY JAMES (1971) "Huggin’ a tree when you get near it." Ah yes, the line that gave birth to the phrase "Tree-hugging hippie"! Too bad such a dopey line is in such a cool song…
"Hurts So Good"—JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP (1982) "Walk around all day long!" My objection here isn't the line itself so much as the way it’s emphasized in the song—as if this activity is something to get excited about. I mean, "Walk around—ALL—DAY—LOONNG"? How thrilling! So typical of Mellencamp’s simple-minded lyrical style, too…
"Devil With A Blue Dress On"—MITCH RYDER & THE DETROIT WHEELS (1966) Follow the bouncing ball through the first verse with me here: "…Lookin’ modern now—here she comes/Wearin’ a wig-hat (a what?!?) with shades to match (how do you match them to a wig-hat?)/high-heeled shoes and an alligator hat (sounds rather redundant if she’s already wearing a wig-hat, whatever that is!)/Wearin’ her pearls and a diamond ring/She got bracelets on her fingers (bracelets don’t go on fingers, they go on wrists!) and everything…" Talk about your fashion nightmares! Was she wearing a red nose and a flower that squirts water too? Based on this description, this supposedly "modern" chick sounds like a cross between a drag queen and a bag lady! Or should that be a bag queen and a drag lady?
And while I’m on the subject of lyrics—here’s an oft-misquoted line from Paul McCartney’s "Live And Let Die" (1973): "And in this ever-changing world in which we live in…" Let me defend Sir Paul’s honor here because people screw this one up all the time. If you listen carefully, the line actually goes, "And IF this ever-changing world in which WE’RE LIVING/Makes you give in and cry/Then Live And Let Die!" Makes sense now, don’t it?
More to come later...
"Take The Money And Run"—STEVE MILLER BAND (1977) "…He knows exactly what the facts is." "Facts is?" My guess is ol’ Steve had the damndest time trying to find something to rhyme with "taxes". English teachers everywhere should have swooned even more over this one than they did over Pink Floyd’s "We don’t need no education". Steve actually might’ve been able to get away with this one had he written it about 15 years later during the fax machine era and could have somehow worked in the word "faxes".
"Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me?—PAUL STANLEY (1978) "You got the key, but babe, I locked the gate." Hate to pick on this one because it’s not a bad song, but this line makes no sense. You locked the gate alright, but the fact remains, Paul—she’s STILL GOT THE KEY!! Unless of course she’s a blonde and it’s a combination lock, then all bets are off…
"Time For Me To Fly"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1978) "…enough of the jealousy and the intoleration…" Kevin Cronin apparently flunked English class in school, because there ain’t no such word as intoleration! Intolerance, yes, but not intoleration. What’s really stupid is he could have easily substituted "aggravation" or maybe "irritation" for intoleration, and it would have worked just fine.
"Honey Honey"—ABBA (1974) "You’re a doggone beast!" ABBA’s Björn Ulvæus speaks five languages fluently and probably speaks English more better than I do (pun intended), but his use of metaphors is a whole other matter entirely. A doggone beast?!? That’s great if you’re referring to Shrek or perhaps a large vehicle with a Hemi in it, but not as a term of endearment in a schlocky love song.
"Jump"—VAN HALEN (1984) I love Van Halen (at least before Eddie reincarnated into Little Hitler, I did, anyway), but I absolutely abhor this song! I swear, I think David Lee Roth just made the words up to this one as he went along. Follow along with me here, if you will: "I get up and nothing gets me down" (how nice to hear)/"You got it tough/I’ve seen the toughest around" (the toughest what?)/"You got to roll-o-oll with the punches to get to what’s real" (great advice, but what’s that got to do with the first two lines?)/"Can’t ya see me here/I got my back against the record machine" (shades of The Fonz)/"I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen" (whatever you say, Dave)/"Ah, can’t you see what I mean?" (No, not really Dave—hence why I’m writing this!)/"Ah, might as well Jump!" (Jump where? How high?).
The second verse is even dumber: "Oh-ho! Hey you! Who said that?" (Huh?)/"Baby, how you been?" (I’m fine, thank you—how are you?)/"You say you won’t know until you begin." (Begin what?!?). Does anyone have a clue what this song is about? I’m at a total loss. And naturally it was the only Van Halen song to hit #1.
"Deuce"—KISS (1974) "Get up and get your grandma outta here" Classic example of song lyrics that SOUND really cool when you sing them, but are total nonsense. Even Gene Simmons (who wrote it) claims complete ignorance about what they mean, if anything.
"Goin’ Blind"—KISS (1974) "I'm 93, you're 16" Gene strikes again with a song about an old man and a young chick. Makes that whole Anna Nicole Smith thing seem almost bearable! Ewwww!
"Chevy Van"--SAMMY JOHNS (1975) "Get some sleep and dream of Rock And Roll." Okey-fine, Sam, to each his/her own. I love R ‘n’ R, too, but dat ain’t high on my dream priority list. No wonder he was a one-hit wonder…
"Roundabout"—YES (1972) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there." Yep, that’s pretty much what mountains do, alright—they just stand there! BTW, you don't suppose there's a Yes tribute band out there named "Yep", do ya? Or perhaps "Yeah"? "Affirmative"? Maybe "Aye, Aye"? "Hell Yes", perhaps? Whaddya mean "No"?!?
"Draggin’ The Line"—TOMMY JAMES (1971) "Huggin’ a tree when you get near it." Ah yes, the line that gave birth to the phrase "Tree-hugging hippie"! Too bad such a dopey line is in such a cool song…
"Hurts So Good"—JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP (1982) "Walk around all day long!" My objection here isn't the line itself so much as the way it’s emphasized in the song—as if this activity is something to get excited about. I mean, "Walk around—ALL—DAY—LOONNG"? How thrilling! So typical of Mellencamp’s simple-minded lyrical style, too…
"Devil With A Blue Dress On"—MITCH RYDER & THE DETROIT WHEELS (1966) Follow the bouncing ball through the first verse with me here: "…Lookin’ modern now—here she comes/Wearin’ a wig-hat (a what?!?) with shades to match (how do you match them to a wig-hat?)/high-heeled shoes and an alligator hat (sounds rather redundant if she’s already wearing a wig-hat, whatever that is!)/Wearin’ her pearls and a diamond ring/She got bracelets on her fingers (bracelets don’t go on fingers, they go on wrists!) and everything…" Talk about your fashion nightmares! Was she wearing a red nose and a flower that squirts water too? Based on this description, this supposedly "modern" chick sounds like a cross between a drag queen and a bag lady! Or should that be a bag queen and a drag lady?
And while I’m on the subject of lyrics—here’s an oft-misquoted line from Paul McCartney’s "Live And Let Die" (1973): "And in this ever-changing world in which we live in…" Let me defend Sir Paul’s honor here because people screw this one up all the time. If you listen carefully, the line actually goes, "And IF this ever-changing world in which WE’RE LIVING/Makes you give in and cry/Then Live And Let Die!" Makes sense now, don’t it?
More to come later...
Please to see my moviereview
Okay kids, I finally gave in and actually went to see Borat the other night, after a dear friend razzed me for criticizing it in one of my early blog entries without actually seeing the film. In my defense, I wasn’t criticizing the film itself at that time so much as all the hype and hysteria surrounding it because I felt as if the whole thing was being force-fed to me. But, being’s as I hadn’t even set foot in a movie theater in almost two years anyway, and since I strive to be fair and balanced (unlike a certain news channel that shall remain nameless here), I decided to go see what all the fuss is about.
First off, I tried to block out my preconceived notions and negative attitude and went in with an open mind, but I have to say I still wasn’t impressed with Borat. Actually, it wasn’t totally wretched—it DID have its moments now and then, especially the slapstick scenes, like with Borat and the fat prostitute on the mechanical bull, for one—but overall, I just didn’t care for it. I tried to like this movie (I honestly did!), but it just didn’t work for me.
I’ll say one thing, though, if Sacha Baron Cohen’s aim was to offend people, he succeeded mightily. Although I personally wasn’t terribly offended by anything in Borat, I can see how other people would have been. Everyone made a fuss about the film being insulting to Jews (which it was), but hell, what about the good people of Kazakhstan itself? They were basically portrayed as a bunch of backward-ass, scrotum-scratching, white trash hicks, and somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly accurate. Also, there was just a tad too much male nudity in this movie than I’d care to look at—shit, this thing made Brokeback Mountain seem like a Disney flick in comparison!
Normally, I love a good satire (Weird Al Yankovic, "South Park", or "M.X.C." anyone?), but this one just wasn’t the laugh riot that I look for in a satire. It took me a while to figure out why I was so put off by the movie, but I think it comes down to the way Cohen was constantly putting people on the spot. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like being fucked with—even if it’s all in good fun—and watching this guy make innocent people look stupid and/or feel uncomfortable made me squirm a lot, and that’s why I didn’t find it all that funny.
So alas, all you Sacha Baron Cohen fans out there--I’m sticking to my original prognostication that he'll make the ideal opening act for William Hung in Branson (where careers go to die) for many years to come. He’s a one-shot deal, and he'll merely be the answer to a trivia question in a couple years. But fear not—I'm sure he'll be fondly remembered by the hack comedian wanna-be's on VH-1's "I Love The '00s" when it airs in 2010...
By the way, NINE fucking bucks a ticket now? Geez, Louise—you can get almost half a lap dance for that much! NOW, I remember why I don’t go to movies much anymore…
First off, I tried to block out my preconceived notions and negative attitude and went in with an open mind, but I have to say I still wasn’t impressed with Borat. Actually, it wasn’t totally wretched—it DID have its moments now and then, especially the slapstick scenes, like with Borat and the fat prostitute on the mechanical bull, for one—but overall, I just didn’t care for it. I tried to like this movie (I honestly did!), but it just didn’t work for me.
I’ll say one thing, though, if Sacha Baron Cohen’s aim was to offend people, he succeeded mightily. Although I personally wasn’t terribly offended by anything in Borat, I can see how other people would have been. Everyone made a fuss about the film being insulting to Jews (which it was), but hell, what about the good people of Kazakhstan itself? They were basically portrayed as a bunch of backward-ass, scrotum-scratching, white trash hicks, and somehow, I don’t think that’s exactly accurate. Also, there was just a tad too much male nudity in this movie than I’d care to look at—shit, this thing made Brokeback Mountain seem like a Disney flick in comparison!
Normally, I love a good satire (Weird Al Yankovic, "South Park", or "M.X.C." anyone?), but this one just wasn’t the laugh riot that I look for in a satire. It took me a while to figure out why I was so put off by the movie, but I think it comes down to the way Cohen was constantly putting people on the spot. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like being fucked with—even if it’s all in good fun—and watching this guy make innocent people look stupid and/or feel uncomfortable made me squirm a lot, and that’s why I didn’t find it all that funny.
So alas, all you Sacha Baron Cohen fans out there--I’m sticking to my original prognostication that he'll make the ideal opening act for William Hung in Branson (where careers go to die) for many years to come. He’s a one-shot deal, and he'll merely be the answer to a trivia question in a couple years. But fear not—I'm sure he'll be fondly remembered by the hack comedian wanna-be's on VH-1's "I Love The '00s" when it airs in 2010...
By the way, NINE fucking bucks a ticket now? Geez, Louise—you can get almost half a lap dance for that much! NOW, I remember why I don’t go to movies much anymore…
Way to go, Bayou Bengals!
The L.S.U. Tigers football team made a friend for life in me last night by beating Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl in Nawleans. They not only beat the Failing Irish, they stomped them "like a drag queen at a tractor pull" [Dr. Niles Crane, "Frasier"], 41-14! For those of you who aren’t aware, there are few things in this world I despise more than the Notre Dame football team. They rank right up there (down there?) with Bill O’Reilly, reality TV shows, Osama bin Laden, liver and onions, white supremacists, Kid Rock, broccoli, Rev. Fred Phelps, and diarrhea on my all-time shit list (pun intended). It’s the ONE thing that my old man and I see eye-to-eye on—we both abhor this vaunted sports institution and their "we’re better than everyone so we deserve special treatment" attitude. I’d sooner root for the New York (gulp!) Yankees than root for this (as Obi-Wan would say) "wretched hive of scum and villainy". Thus, yesterday was elevated to "A.G.D." status for me—Automatic Good Day. This means I could have been in a bad car wreck and lost a limb or two or my house could have burned to the ground or you could have stepped on my blue suede shoes and it STILL would have been a good day because Notre Dame lost a football game! It’s just a shame that L.S.U. isn’t called the Beavers because I loved the headline in the paper a couple years back when Oregon State took out N.D. in a bowl game: "Beavers Humiliate the Fighting Irish". I still have it taped to my desk, in fact. Yes, I’m totally deranged about this, but I don’t care…
Wednesday, January 3, 2007
The Dumbest Celebrity Product Endorsements of All-Time
(In no particular order)
Penny Marshall/Rosie O’Donnell—K-Mart (early ‘00s): Did the K-Mart people really expect us to believe that these two actually shopped there? If so, I have some prime oceanfront property for sale in Manitoba I’d like to discuss with them...
Star Jones—PaylessShoeSource (2004): Same scenario as above—I found it difficult to fathom that this vain, pompous and phony Oprah wanna-be would be caught dead shopping for strappy sandals there. Hell, even I stopped shopping there for athletic shoes years ago...
Joe Namath—BeautyMist pantyhose (early ‘70s): Pretty self-explanatory—what the hell were they/he thinking?!? What, they couldn’t get Angie Dickinson or Ann-Margret to do these ads? Or Cher? Lola Falana? Sandy Duncan, at least? Any celebrity with some decent legs? Even the drag queen Archie Bunker gave CPR to on "All In The Family" would have been a step in the right direction...
George Foreman—Meineke mufflers (current): Car repair advice from an overweight has-been boxer who’s been hit in the head one too many times? No thanks—I’ll stick with Mr. Goodwrench.
Andre Agassi—Canon EOS Rebel cameras (late ‘90s): Rebel? A tennis player? Riiiiight…
Rafael Palmeiro—Viagra (circa. 2003-04): Mr. Steroids himself admitted to America that he couldn’t get it up! Bastard probably denies that now, too…
Gene Simmons—Miller Lite beer (2005): For the last 30 years, I’ve heard this guy constantly brag about how he doesn’t drink alcohol—all the while bashing Ace Frehley and Peter Criss for doing the same. So what the filth-flarn-filth is he doing on a beer commercial? Damn sell out! He could’ve at least endorsed a decent beer like Budweiser or Michelob Ultra. Miller Lite tastes like someone has already drank it before you have...
Karl Malone—Rogaine (late ‘90s): Either the Rogaine didn't work for the "Mailman" or Gillette made him a better offer because he shaves his head totally bald now...
Brenda Vaccaro—Playtex Tampons (early ‘80s): The SCTV parody of these ads by Andrea Martin is a total hoot. Vaccaro sounded like a moose in heat! Feminine protection products and celebrities should NOT mix...
John Stamos—1-800-Collect (circa 2002-03): These vapid ads were the ultimate in lameness, featuring the biggest hack sitcom actor this side of Tony Danza blathering on incessantly about who he talks to on the phone. Can you believe A&E actually did a "Biography" episode on this guy? They are definitely hitting bottom here—who are they gonna profile next, Ted McGinley? Adrian Zmed? Oy!
Catherine Zeta-Jones—T-Mobile cell phones (circa 2004-05): I should point out here that CZ-J’s peers—successful actresses like Renee Zellweger and Kate Winslet, to name two—don’t seem to need to hawk cell phones for a living during the prime of their careers. This activity is strictly for has-beens or never-were's...
Rula Lenska—Alberto VO-5 shampoo (late ‘70s): This alleged actress from England was so unknown when these ads were running, it even prompted Johnny Carson to ask, "Who the hell is Rula Lenska?!?" It’s still a mystery to this day even though the commercials puffed her up to be the biggest movie star this side of Liz Taylor. She DID have pretty red hair, though…
Penny Marshall/Rosie O’Donnell—K-Mart (early ‘00s): Did the K-Mart people really expect us to believe that these two actually shopped there? If so, I have some prime oceanfront property for sale in Manitoba I’d like to discuss with them...
Star Jones—PaylessShoeSource (2004): Same scenario as above—I found it difficult to fathom that this vain, pompous and phony Oprah wanna-be would be caught dead shopping for strappy sandals there. Hell, even I stopped shopping there for athletic shoes years ago...
Joe Namath—BeautyMist pantyhose (early ‘70s): Pretty self-explanatory—what the hell were they/he thinking?!? What, they couldn’t get Angie Dickinson or Ann-Margret to do these ads? Or Cher? Lola Falana? Sandy Duncan, at least? Any celebrity with some decent legs? Even the drag queen Archie Bunker gave CPR to on "All In The Family" would have been a step in the right direction...
George Foreman—Meineke mufflers (current): Car repair advice from an overweight has-been boxer who’s been hit in the head one too many times? No thanks—I’ll stick with Mr. Goodwrench.
Andre Agassi—Canon EOS Rebel cameras (late ‘90s): Rebel? A tennis player? Riiiiight…
Rafael Palmeiro—Viagra (circa. 2003-04): Mr. Steroids himself admitted to America that he couldn’t get it up! Bastard probably denies that now, too…
Gene Simmons—Miller Lite beer (2005): For the last 30 years, I’ve heard this guy constantly brag about how he doesn’t drink alcohol—all the while bashing Ace Frehley and Peter Criss for doing the same. So what the filth-flarn-filth is he doing on a beer commercial? Damn sell out! He could’ve at least endorsed a decent beer like Budweiser or Michelob Ultra. Miller Lite tastes like someone has already drank it before you have...
Karl Malone—Rogaine (late ‘90s): Either the Rogaine didn't work for the "Mailman" or Gillette made him a better offer because he shaves his head totally bald now...
Brenda Vaccaro—Playtex Tampons (early ‘80s): The SCTV parody of these ads by Andrea Martin is a total hoot. Vaccaro sounded like a moose in heat! Feminine protection products and celebrities should NOT mix...
John Stamos—1-800-Collect (circa 2002-03): These vapid ads were the ultimate in lameness, featuring the biggest hack sitcom actor this side of Tony Danza blathering on incessantly about who he talks to on the phone. Can you believe A&E actually did a "Biography" episode on this guy? They are definitely hitting bottom here—who are they gonna profile next, Ted McGinley? Adrian Zmed? Oy!
Catherine Zeta-Jones—T-Mobile cell phones (circa 2004-05): I should point out here that CZ-J’s peers—successful actresses like Renee Zellweger and Kate Winslet, to name two—don’t seem to need to hawk cell phones for a living during the prime of their careers. This activity is strictly for has-beens or never-were's...
Rula Lenska—Alberto VO-5 shampoo (late ‘70s): This alleged actress from England was so unknown when these ads were running, it even prompted Johnny Carson to ask, "Who the hell is Rula Lenska?!?" It’s still a mystery to this day even though the commercials puffed her up to be the biggest movie star this side of Liz Taylor. She DID have pretty red hair, though…
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Da Code! Da Code!
My DVD player was busy over the holiday weekend, as I also sat down and viewed Da Vinci Code, mostly to see what all the fuss was about, and as expected, I was highly underwhelmed. I give DVC credit for actually holding my interest all the way through, but overall I found the plot to be too contrived and implausible, and I don’t get why so many religious people feel so threatened by this film. Why is it the right-wing ultra-conservative Bible-thumper crowd always gets its collective panties in a wad over such mediocre movies? I agree with something a co-worker of mine said to me last week (a church-going Baptist, I might add): if your faith can’t withstand a freakin’ Hollywood movie, then the problem lies with you and not the movie! The same thing happened with The Last Temptation of Christ and The Passion of The Christ, neither of which I would normally have bothered to see, but since it pisses off the suppressive God Squad brethren when someone watches them, I felt obliged to check them out. You could include Brokeback Mountain in that group too, although it was actually a decent story instead of a sub-par bore like those others.
I must admit that my agnostic viewpoint prevents me from being offended by films like these to begin with, but I honestly still don’t see what the big deal is here. For instance, Passion to me was nothing more than a gorier Jesus Christ Superstar minus all the singing and dancing, and Last Temptation was a total bore. What really cracks me up is how every time the God Squadders create such an uproar about films they don’t want us to see, they wind up drawing so much undue and undeserved attention to them, and in turn, make box office smashes out of them! If they’d just keep their yaps shut, no one would bother to see the damn things in the first place and they'd quietly fade away…
I must admit that my agnostic viewpoint prevents me from being offended by films like these to begin with, but I honestly still don’t see what the big deal is here. For instance, Passion to me was nothing more than a gorier Jesus Christ Superstar minus all the singing and dancing, and Last Temptation was a total bore. What really cracks me up is how every time the God Squadders create such an uproar about films they don’t want us to see, they wind up drawing so much undue and undeserved attention to them, and in turn, make box office smashes out of them! If they’d just keep their yaps shut, no one would bother to see the damn things in the first place and they'd quietly fade away…
Heckuva job, Spikey!
I watched Spike Lee’s documentary on Hurricane Katrina, When The Levees Broke over the weekend. I’ve never been a big fan of his because Lee’s always been a grandstander and sensationalist to me. Example: I thought he made a total joke out of the Son of Sam thing in Summer Of Sam—so I was pretty skeptical about Levees at first. But, I’d heard a lot of good things about it, and for once it appears Spike got it right. I was actually impressed with the presentation of differing viewpoints (he even went after the so-called "liberal" mainstream news media and took a few shots at it here) and to my utter shock and total dismay, Rev. Al Sharpton actually had something useful to say for once! Although I do question the credibility of some of the Katrina victims Lee interviewed (like the two white-trash gals clutching 22-oz. bottles of beer while bitching about FEMA, et al), the documentary opened my eyes to some things I wasn’t even aware of too, like how some of the cops actually joined in the looting—there’s a shot of one of New Orleans’ finest standing waist-deep in the water with an armful of DVDs (somehow, I don’t think he was merely holding them for evidence, either). One thing I could have done without is Lee’s attempt at a big conspiracy theory about the government supposedly blowing up the levees on purpose (it’s pretty obvious they were sub-standard to begin with), but on the whole, it’s a very moving documentary. The shots of the dead bodies floating in the water, as well as the poor elderly people who were left to die at the Convention Center/Superdome are downright chilling.
And if this nightmare wasn’t bad enough already, our own government’s pokey-ass response in assisting those in need was/is just appalling. True, the government/FEMA, et al, couldn’t have prevented people from drowning in the rising waters, but they sure as hell could have and should have prevented the suffering that went on at the Superdome, etc. The most ardent Bush supporter has to cringe at watching him do his "You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie!" shtick for the cameras—even Archie Bunker would be calling for his impeachment at this point! Hell, Bush was so quick to offer aid to Iran (a country that hates our guts) following an earthquake, yet blew his own people off until he could get down to the Gulf Coast to do a photo-op. Then again, as Mellencamp sings so "sincerely", "This is our country…" (Cha-ching!). Anyway, I highly recommend When The Levees Broke—it’s well-worth investing the time to view it.
BTW, for those of you keeping score and were not already aware—I don’t like George W. Bush or his administration! Just thought I’d clear that up…
And while I’m still in "Sir Rant-A-Lot" mode here, I’m growing a bit tired of this whole media-created "feel good" story about how the New Orleans Saints’ successful football season has been some sort of panacea for the people of the Big Easy. What a bunch of hooey! Half the population never came back home, and most of the people who’ve remained are still struggling and the city is still a shambles. While I totally supported the renovation of the Superdome—it’s too vital to the city’s economic survival as they rely so much on convention and tourist dollars—all this jaw-jacking (mostly by ESPN-types) about the Saints’ success on the field being some sort of uplifting rallying point for the populace is a bunch of baloney. Keep in mind, this commentary is coming from a long-time football fan! Yes, it’s great that folks at least have something to cheer for, but most of the people who attend Saints games right now don’t even live in New Orleans, anyway—no one in the city itself can afford to go at $75 a pop for nosebleed seats! This is why their NBA team is still playing most of its games in Oklahoma City, too. Who do the media think they’re kidding?
And if this nightmare wasn’t bad enough already, our own government’s pokey-ass response in assisting those in need was/is just appalling. True, the government/FEMA, et al, couldn’t have prevented people from drowning in the rising waters, but they sure as hell could have and should have prevented the suffering that went on at the Superdome, etc. The most ardent Bush supporter has to cringe at watching him do his "You’re doing a heckuva job, Brownie!" shtick for the cameras—even Archie Bunker would be calling for his impeachment at this point! Hell, Bush was so quick to offer aid to Iran (a country that hates our guts) following an earthquake, yet blew his own people off until he could get down to the Gulf Coast to do a photo-op. Then again, as Mellencamp sings so "sincerely", "This is our country…" (Cha-ching!). Anyway, I highly recommend When The Levees Broke—it’s well-worth investing the time to view it.
BTW, for those of you keeping score and were not already aware—I don’t like George W. Bush or his administration! Just thought I’d clear that up…
And while I’m still in "Sir Rant-A-Lot" mode here, I’m growing a bit tired of this whole media-created "feel good" story about how the New Orleans Saints’ successful football season has been some sort of panacea for the people of the Big Easy. What a bunch of hooey! Half the population never came back home, and most of the people who’ve remained are still struggling and the city is still a shambles. While I totally supported the renovation of the Superdome—it’s too vital to the city’s economic survival as they rely so much on convention and tourist dollars—all this jaw-jacking (mostly by ESPN-types) about the Saints’ success on the field being some sort of uplifting rallying point for the populace is a bunch of baloney. Keep in mind, this commentary is coming from a long-time football fan! Yes, it’s great that folks at least have something to cheer for, but most of the people who attend Saints games right now don’t even live in New Orleans, anyway—no one in the city itself can afford to go at $75 a pop for nosebleed seats! This is why their NBA team is still playing most of its games in Oklahoma City, too. Who do the media think they’re kidding?
Monday, January 1, 2007
"It seems to me a crime that we should age..."
That Bernie Taupin lyric from the Elton John song "Friends" caused a bit of introspection in me to begin the new year, and as I approach age 43 with my once-mighty eyesight starting to betray me a bit, I can't help but think about this stuff.
I tuned in this year's "New Year's Rockin' Eve" broadcast tonight specifically to listen to Dick Clark speak, and I was rather disturbed over how bad Dick sounded. I viewed last year's "NYRE" broadcast, but never turned up the volume as I was playing something far more listenable than Ashlee Simpson (or whomever) on my stereo, thus I didn't get to hear what everyone was upset about at the time—the after-effects of the stroke D.C. suffered in '05—and it made me very sad tonight to hear that he obviously hasn't improved very much since then. His once-smooth delievery now seems almost like Morse Code, sadly, and this once-youthful man now seems SO feeble and elderly—very tragic, indeed! Bless his heart for soldiering on and all, but man, what a drag it is to see him deteriorate like this. I guess the lesson here is to appreciate how fully-functional you still are and hope you are able to maintain your health even into your later years.
I tuned in this year's "New Year's Rockin' Eve" broadcast tonight specifically to listen to Dick Clark speak, and I was rather disturbed over how bad Dick sounded. I viewed last year's "NYRE" broadcast, but never turned up the volume as I was playing something far more listenable than Ashlee Simpson (or whomever) on my stereo, thus I didn't get to hear what everyone was upset about at the time—the after-effects of the stroke D.C. suffered in '05—and it made me very sad tonight to hear that he obviously hasn't improved very much since then. His once-smooth delievery now seems almost like Morse Code, sadly, and this once-youthful man now seems SO feeble and elderly—very tragic, indeed! Bless his heart for soldiering on and all, but man, what a drag it is to see him deteriorate like this. I guess the lesson here is to appreciate how fully-functional you still are and hope you are able to maintain your health even into your later years.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Need an excuse to drink?
Then try my newly-patented "John Madden Drinking Game"! The rules are so simple even Dubya could do it! During any football telecast that Big John presides over, take a drink (of the alcoholic beverage of your choice) whenever Madden:
—Utters the phrase "those types of things" or "those kinds of things."
—Overstates the blatantly obvious (Example: "When the referee throws that yellow flag, that means he's going to call a penalty.")
—Starts talking about spit, slobber, sweat, blood, drool, vomit, pus, or any other bodily fluids when describing a given play or player
—Glowingly praises Brett Favre (Makes no difference whether the Packers are actually playing in the game you're watching or not)
—Makes a totally senseless remark (Judgment call here!)
—Utters the phrase "those types of things" or "those kinds of things."
—Overstates the blatantly obvious (Example: "When the referee throws that yellow flag, that means he's going to call a penalty.")
—Starts talking about spit, slobber, sweat, blood, drool, vomit, pus, or any other bodily fluids when describing a given play or player
—Glowingly praises Brett Favre (Makes no difference whether the Packers are actually playing in the game you're watching or not)
—Makes a totally senseless remark (Judgment call here!)
—Draws crappy pictures with the Telestrator
If you play properly, you'll be sloshed by halftime!
Cheers and Happy New Year, y'all!
If you play properly, you'll be sloshed by halftime!
Cheers and Happy New Year, y'all!
Do you believe in miracles? Hell yes!
The planets all aligned properly, the Patriots beat Tennessee, Pittsburgh beat Cincinnati, and somehow, some way, San Francisco beat Denver, and honk my hooter--the Kansas City Chiefs are in the NFL playoffs!The U.S. Hockey team winning the gold medal in the 1980 Olympics? Hell, that was a parlor trick compared to this! I would have sooner bet on Ted Nugent voting for Hillary Clinton for President in 2008 before I would have plunked down good money on this! Un-bleepin' believable!
Being a card-carrying agnostic and all, I'm not sure if this means anything or not, but today's game vs. Jacksonville was the 666th regular season game played by el Chiefos since they moved to Kansas City in 1963. Did the devil make 'em make the playoffs? Nah, must've been Lamar Hunt...
Meantime, please go to work on your Peyton Manning and/or Marvin Harrison voodoo dolls right away! Dat's who we play next weekend...
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