World's Dumbest Song Lyrics of All-Time, Vol. I

First of a recurring series (In no particular order)...

"Take The Money And Run"—STEVE MILLER BAND (1977) "…He knows exactly what the facts is."  "Facts is?"  My guess is ol’ Steve had the damndest time trying to find something to rhyme with "taxes".  English teachers everywhere should have swooned even more over this one than they did over Pink Floyd’s "We don’t need no education".  Steve actually might’ve been able to get away with this one had he written it about 15 years later during the fax machine era and could have somehow worked in the word "faxes".

"Wouldn’t You Like To Know Me?—PAUL STANLEY (1978) "You got the key, but babe, I locked the gate." Hate to pick on this one because it’s not a bad song, but this line makes no sense.  You locked the gate alright, but the fact remains, Paul—she’s STILL GOT THE KEY!!  Unless of course she’s a blonde and it’s a combination lock, then all bets are off…

"Time For Me To Fly"—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1978) "…enough of the jealousy and the intoleration…"  Kevin Cronin apparently flunked English class in school, because there ain’t no such word as intoleration!  Intolerance, yes, but not intoleration.  What’s really stupid is he could have easily substituted "aggravation" or maybe "irritation" for intoleration, and it would have worked just fine.

"Honey Honey"—ABBA (1974) "You’re a doggone beast!"  ABBA’s Björn Ulvæus speaks five languages fluently and probably speaks English more better than I do (pun intended), but his use of metaphors is a whole other matter entirely.  A doggone beast?!?  That’s great if you’re referring to Shrek or perhaps a large vehicle with a Hemi in it, but not as a term of endearment in a schlocky love song.

"Jump"—VAN HALEN (1984)  I love Van Halen (at least before Eddie reincarnated into Little Hitler, I did, anyway), but I absolutely abhor this song!  I swear, I think David Lee Roth just made the words up to this one as he went along.  Follow along with me here, if you will: "I get up and nothing gets me down" (how nice to hear)/"You got it tough/I’ve seen the toughest around" (the toughest what?)/"You got to roll-o-oll with the punches to get to what’s real" (great advice, but what’s that got to do with the first two lines?)/"Can’t ya see me here/I got my back against the record machine" (shades of The Fonz)/"I ain’t the worst that you’ve seen" (whatever you say, Dave)/"Ah, can’t you see what I mean?" (No, not really Dave—hence why I’m writing this!)/"Ah, might as well Jump!" (Jump where? How high?).

The second verse is even dumber:  "Oh-ho! Hey you! Who said that?" (Huh?)/"Baby, how you been?" (I’m fine, thank you—how are you?)/"You say you won’t know until you begin." (Begin what?!?).  Does anyone have a clue what this song is about? I’m at a total loss.  And naturally it was the only Van Halen song to hit #1.

"Deuce"—KISS (1974) "Get up and get your grandma outta here"  Classic example of song lyrics that SOUND really cool when you sing them, but are total nonsense.  Even Gene Simmons (who wrote it) claims complete ignorance about what they mean, if anything.

"Goin’ Blind"—KISS (1974) "I'm 93, you're 16"  Gene strikes again with a song about an old man and a young chick.  Makes that whole Anna Nicole Smith thing seem almost bearable! Ewwww!

"Chevy Van"--SAMMY JOHNS (1975) "Get some sleep and dream of Rock And Roll." Okey-fine, Sam, to each his/her own.  I love R ‘n’ R, too, but dat ain’t high on my dream priority list.  No wonder he was a one-hit wonder…

"Roundabout"—YES (1972) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there." Yep, that’s pretty much what mountains do, alright—they just stand there!  BTW, you don't suppose there's a Yes tribute band out there named "Yep", do ya?  Or perhaps "Yeah"?  "Affirmative"?  Maybe "Aye, Aye"?  "Hell Yes", perhaps?  Whaddya mean "No"?!?

"Draggin’ The Line"—TOMMY JAMES (1971) "Huggin’ a tree when you get near it."  Ah yes, the line that gave birth to the phrase "Tree-hugging hippie"!  Too bad such a dopey line is in such a cool song…

"Hurts So Good"—JOHN COUGAR MELLENCAMP (1982) "Walk around all day long!" My objection here isn't the line itself so much as the way it’s emphasized in the song—as if this activity is something to get excited about.  I mean, "Walk around—ALL—DAY—LOONNG"?  How thrilling!  So typical of Mellencamp’s simple-minded lyrical style, too…

"Devil With A Blue Dress On"—MITCH RYDER & THE DETROIT WHEELS (1966)  Follow the bouncing ball through the first verse with me here: "…Lookin’ modern now—here she comes/Wearin’ a wig-hat (a what?!?) with shades to match (how do you match them to a wig-hat?)/high-heeled shoes and an alligator hat (sounds rather redundant if she’s already wearing a wig-hat, whatever that is!)/Wearin’ her pearls and a diamond ring/She got bracelets on her fingers (bracelets don’t go on fingers, they go on wrists!) and everything…"  Talk about your fashion nightmares!  Was she wearing a red nose and a flower that squirts water too?  Based on this description, this supposedly "modern" chick sounds like a cross between a drag queen and a bag lady!  Or should that be a bag queen and a drag lady?

And while I’m on the subject of lyrics—here’s an oft-misquoted line from Paul McCartney’s "Live And Let Die" (1973): "And in this ever-changing world in which we live in…"  Let me defend Sir Paul’s honor here because people screw this one up all the time.  If you listen carefully, the line actually goes, "And IF this ever-changing world in which WE’RE LIVING/Makes you give in and cry/Then Live And Let Die!"  Makes sense now, don’t it?
More to come later...