A HEARTFELT THANK-YOU...
...to my good friend Phil Alvarez for all his help on the upkeep and/or improvement on my humble abode. Thanks to him, my bedroom now has new walls. At this point, I owe you about eleventy-million favors, my friend...
"HE'LL ALWAYS BE KING OF PAIN..."—NOT!
I want to send out a get-well wish or two to Brother Randy Raley, who has recently been on the DL following rotator cuff surgery. Hope your rehab is going swimmingly, my friend, to the point where you can actually go swimming without pain soon. Meantime, go easy on the Vicodin, mmm-kay? We don't want you morphing into Scott Weiland...
LIVE TV AT ITS FINEST
I generally don't condone stealing/borrowing stuff from other bloggers, but my other Brother Ken posted this the other day on his blog, and it's too fucking funny to sit on...
CHICAGO ASS-WIPE #1A
I saw by today's paper that the very wrong Rev. Jeremiah Wright is poised to soon take possession of his new $1.6 million, 10,000 sq. ft. home in Chi-Town. Well, isn't that special?
CHICAGO ASS-WIPE #1B
White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen: "Who's the manager they remember the most? ... Billy Martin. They don't remember Sparky Anderson. ... They remember Billy Martin because he was the crazy one...Why do you think they like Lou Piniella? Because Lou is good? Great guy. Great baseball people. But people love Lou Piniella because he's (fucked) ... up!"
Uhhh, I remember Sparky Anderson, dumbass, and I remember that he led no less than three teams to World Series Champeenships, and if nothing else, he at least had class (as does "Sweet Lou" Piniella), which is more than I can say for Billy Martin or you, Señor
Guillen. Ozzie's act has grown extremely stale since the Chisox won the whole she-bang in 2005, and this nut-job truly needs to have his family jewels slammed in a car door quite soon...
SPEAKING OF SPARKY A. ...
Mr. Anderson had one of my favorite baseball quotes back when he was managing in Detroit and was asked who he would need to trade to get outfielder Joe Carter from Toronto—then the premier slugger in the league. Sparky responded with something like, "If we traded for Joe Carter, it would be just me and him on the bench—and I can't hit!"
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #82
"Radar Love"—GOLDEN EARRING (1974) "The radio plays that forgotten song—Brenda Lee's 'Coming On Strong'..." Not misheard here so much as misunderstood—I thought he was saying that Brenda Lee herself was "coming on strong". I was unaware at the time that she had song by that same name...
NO, SPEED RACER, NO!
I was proud to see that the new Speed Racer flick is being panned by the critics. According to the K.C. Star's critic, the chimpanzee who starred as Chim-Chim was far superior to any of the trained actors in this disaster-piece. This is what they get for treading on sacred ground—you don't mess with a classic! Didn't the Beverly Hillbillies movie teach these fools anything?
ART IMITATES LIFE
I'm currently checking out season one of "Bosom Buddies" on DVD. While I still find it unfathomable that this is where it all began for Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks, this wasn't a bad show, really. It's even funnier when "Comedian" Bob Saget makes a guest appearance in one episode playing an unfunny stand-up comedian who bombs at a nightclub. Imagine that—the bastard didn't even have to act! Even the great wanna-be Adrian Zmed dropped by on another episode where he acts like a singer. As hokey and implausible as "Buddies" was, it still outclasses any so-called comedies currently airing on network TV these days. And I have to admit that seeing Donna Dixon in Spandex ain't hard on one's 43-year-old eyes. I'm also enjoying the exploits of the late Wendie Jo Sperber as Amy, the receptionist. She was a very funny gal—kind of a chunky Gilda Radner, if you will. R.I.P., Wendie Jo—you were a total cutie...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Calgon--take me away!
GRANDSTANDING, 101
Leave it to the ever-opportunistic PETA folks to jump all over the tragic euthanizing of the horse Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby last weekend. They’re wanting the jockey to be strung-up by his nut sack for hurting the horse—even though it appears he did all he could to save her once he realized there was a problem—and of course, PETA wants horse racing banned, yadda x 3. Never mind that these thoroughbreds are treated like royalty and some of them live better than I do. Horses do get hurt sometimes—it’s an unfortunate part of the sport—and this kind of thing happens all the time in horse racing, but I never hear PETA bitching about this happening at, say, our local track, The Woodlands—only when it happens at a high-profile event like the Kentucky Derby. Where’s PETA when horses get hurt in rodeos and such, too? This is just like when the Native Americans protest the use of Indian names for sports teams only when the Washington Redskins make the Super Bowl—funny how they aren’t dedicated enough to their cause to also protest at a routine weeknight Chicago Blackhawks game in January.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING, PART I
In light of what transpired at the Derby, this probably wasn’t the best week to trot out (sorry!) that VitaminWater energy drink TV commercial that features 300-pound Shaquille O’Neal as a jockey riding a race horse…
TIMING IS EVERYTHING, PART II
Dumb question, but was it really necessary for the Civil Defense goomers to do their regular monthly tornado siren test yesterday morning when conditions were semi-ripe for more thunderstorm activity? Hell, the friggin’ things worked just fine last Thursday night during our little siege, thus rendering the test redundant anyway…
SHADES OF "I AM NOT A CROOK"…
That Austrian weirdo Josef Fritzl, who confessed last week to imprisoning his own daughter in his basement since 1984 and sexually abusing her now claims that media coverage was “unfair” and “entirely one-dimensional”, since he chose not to kill his daughter and the children he fathered with her. “I could have killed all of them, and no one would have known. No one would have ever found about it.” Gee, how thoughtful of him! “I am no monster,” he says, and he's blaming the media for making him out to be one. Sorry Chief, but I'm going to have to invoke the old "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck" axiom here. Sick bastard...
WE BE PIMPIN’…
True story—we scanned two female patients at my workplace today whose last names were Ho and Hooker. If we had another patient named Harlot, we’d have had a trifecta!
EWWW!
I read where 82-year-old actress Charlotte Rae (AKA Mrs. Garrett on "Facts Of Life") allegedly does a love scene with Adam Sandler in his new movie You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Now I realize Sandler has this penchant for playing lovelorn schlubs who never score in his films, but aren’t we getting a little desperate for ideas now?
MINI MOVIE REVIEW
I watched Charlie Wilson’s War on DVD last night and was underwhelmed by this overrated movie. Even the usually-reliable Tom Hanks was disappointing here. Hanks doesn’t do as well when he plays arrogant characters (Ladykillers is another example), and that fake Texan drawl grated on me after a while. And is it just me, or did Julia Roberts bear a strong resemblance to an unfunny Lucille Ball with blonde hair in this flick? At least this film was mercifully short—only an hour and 35 minutes.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #81
"Parasite"—KISS (1974) "I was sad and wanting her to go-o…" I’ve listened to this song for 32 years, but thanks to my iPod, I now know that this lyric does not go, "I was sad at watching her take over…"
COME ON DOWN!
I’ve also been watching the new "The Price Is Right" DVD collection recently. I grew up watching game shows in the ‘70s, and TPIR was a regular view for me even though Bob Barker is a total tool. One disc features a few episodes of the original ‘60s TPIR with Bill Cullen as host, and they were rather dull by comparison, but an interesting time-capsule, all the same. The prizes weren’t quite as extravagant back then—they even gave away live animals like dogs and horses and such, and it was funny to see the show being sponsored by cigarette companies as they did in the ‘60s.
Then they get into the version of TPIR everyone knows today that debuted on CBS in 1972. These DVDs are worth it alone just to see the short skirts and big '70s hair on models Janice and Anitra—both of whom I lusted after on a regular basis back then—and if you’re into shag carpeting, these DVDs are must-see TV! You’re sure to get a kick out of all those Chevy Vegas and AMC Gremlins they tried to give away, too. And if you look real closely in one of those early Barker shows, when they open that turntable thing where they played the pricing games at the rear of the stage, you can clearly see some stagehand pulling a rope down near the floor to rotate the thing.
I SHOOK UP THE WORLD! I’M A BAAAD MAN…
Congratulations to me for successfully and correctly completing a New York Times crossword puzzle for the first time ever yesterday. I’m somebody now!
Leave it to the ever-opportunistic PETA folks to jump all over the tragic euthanizing of the horse Eight Belles at the Kentucky Derby last weekend. They’re wanting the jockey to be strung-up by his nut sack for hurting the horse—even though it appears he did all he could to save her once he realized there was a problem—and of course, PETA wants horse racing banned, yadda x 3. Never mind that these thoroughbreds are treated like royalty and some of them live better than I do. Horses do get hurt sometimes—it’s an unfortunate part of the sport—and this kind of thing happens all the time in horse racing, but I never hear PETA bitching about this happening at, say, our local track, The Woodlands—only when it happens at a high-profile event like the Kentucky Derby. Where’s PETA when horses get hurt in rodeos and such, too? This is just like when the Native Americans protest the use of Indian names for sports teams only when the Washington Redskins make the Super Bowl—funny how they aren’t dedicated enough to their cause to also protest at a routine weeknight Chicago Blackhawks game in January.
TIMING IS EVERYTHING, PART I
In light of what transpired at the Derby, this probably wasn’t the best week to trot out (sorry!) that VitaminWater energy drink TV commercial that features 300-pound Shaquille O’Neal as a jockey riding a race horse…
TIMING IS EVERYTHING, PART II
Dumb question, but was it really necessary for the Civil Defense goomers to do their regular monthly tornado siren test yesterday morning when conditions were semi-ripe for more thunderstorm activity? Hell, the friggin’ things worked just fine last Thursday night during our little siege, thus rendering the test redundant anyway…
SHADES OF "I AM NOT A CROOK"…
That Austrian weirdo Josef Fritzl, who confessed last week to imprisoning his own daughter in his basement since 1984 and sexually abusing her now claims that media coverage was “unfair” and “entirely one-dimensional”, since he chose not to kill his daughter and the children he fathered with her. “I could have killed all of them, and no one would have known. No one would have ever found about it.” Gee, how thoughtful of him! “I am no monster,” he says, and he's blaming the media for making him out to be one. Sorry Chief, but I'm going to have to invoke the old "If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck" axiom here. Sick bastard...
WE BE PIMPIN’…
True story—we scanned two female patients at my workplace today whose last names were Ho and Hooker. If we had another patient named Harlot, we’d have had a trifecta!
EWWW!
I read where 82-year-old actress Charlotte Rae (AKA Mrs. Garrett on "Facts Of Life") allegedly does a love scene with Adam Sandler in his new movie You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Now I realize Sandler has this penchant for playing lovelorn schlubs who never score in his films, but aren’t we getting a little desperate for ideas now?
MINI MOVIE REVIEW
I watched Charlie Wilson’s War on DVD last night and was underwhelmed by this overrated movie. Even the usually-reliable Tom Hanks was disappointing here. Hanks doesn’t do as well when he plays arrogant characters (Ladykillers is another example), and that fake Texan drawl grated on me after a while. And is it just me, or did Julia Roberts bear a strong resemblance to an unfunny Lucille Ball with blonde hair in this flick? At least this film was mercifully short—only an hour and 35 minutes.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #81
"Parasite"—KISS (1974) "I was sad and wanting her to go-o…" I’ve listened to this song for 32 years, but thanks to my iPod, I now know that this lyric does not go, "I was sad at watching her take over…"
COME ON DOWN!
I’ve also been watching the new "The Price Is Right" DVD collection recently. I grew up watching game shows in the ‘70s, and TPIR was a regular view for me even though Bob Barker is a total tool. One disc features a few episodes of the original ‘60s TPIR with Bill Cullen as host, and they were rather dull by comparison, but an interesting time-capsule, all the same. The prizes weren’t quite as extravagant back then—they even gave away live animals like dogs and horses and such, and it was funny to see the show being sponsored by cigarette companies as they did in the ‘60s.
Then they get into the version of TPIR everyone knows today that debuted on CBS in 1972. These DVDs are worth it alone just to see the short skirts and big '70s hair on models Janice and Anitra—both of whom I lusted after on a regular basis back then—and if you’re into shag carpeting, these DVDs are must-see TV! You’re sure to get a kick out of all those Chevy Vegas and AMC Gremlins they tried to give away, too. And if you look real closely in one of those early Barker shows, when they open that turntable thing where they played the pricing games at the rear of the stage, you can clearly see some stagehand pulling a rope down near the floor to rotate the thing.
I SHOOK UP THE WORLD! I’M A BAAAD MAN…
Congratulations to me for successfully and correctly completing a New York Times crossword puzzle for the first time ever yesterday. I’m somebody now!
Monday, May 5, 2008
Nice day for a White Blogging
Nothing racial intended there—just being my usual smart-ass self...
SPEAKING OF SMART-ASSES...
Reason #1,102 why I hate "I Love The '80s" on VH-1. While channel-surfing the other day, I stumbled across yet another installment of this insipid series, and I couldn't believe how low they had stooped. They were doing 1985, and these losers were actually making fun of quarterback Joe Theismann's gruesome "Monday Night Football" injury and defensive tackle Lawrence Taylor's subsequent reaction thereof where Theismann's leg got pinned under Taylor and it snapped. It takes quite a bit to gross me out, but I was watching when it happened and remember being rather rattled for a day or two after seeing this. I've seen the replay so many times now that I'm pretty much anesthetized to it, but still, it's pitiful that these hack comedian wanna-bes on these VH-1 shows are so jaded that they'd make fun of someone being injured.
JIM HAGER, 1942-2008
Fans of "Hee-Haw" are no doubt saddened by the passing of singer Jim Hager, who died this weekend of a heart attack. He was half of the Hager Brothers duo, who were regulars on the show. I remember watching that show when I was little, and I thought the Hagers were cool merely because they had long hair—I remember precious little about their music! Not to make light of Jim's passing or anything, but I did have to chuckle at the Hager Bros.' official website, which deems them the "World's most famous twins". Talk about your chutzpah...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #80
"See You Tonite"—GENE SIMMONS (1978) "...and if I can't, I'll cry and cry." For the longest time, I thought Gene sang "and if I can't talk right, I'll cry!" Well, with a tongue like that, talking can be difficult sometimes...
LOOK THIS UP IN YOUR FUNK & WAGNALLS...
I just heard some John Madden wanna-be on ESPN use the word "versitality" during their Arena Football League coverage. Is that anything like "Wessonality"?
By the way, I find it highly hypocritical that ESPN covers Arena Football seriously now after years and years of poking fun at it. And must they feature the Philadelphia team every week, just because Bon Jovi owns it? Poffeycock...
"FOUR DEAD IN OHIO..."
Yesterday was the 28th anniversary of the infamous Kent State shootings on May 4, 1970. I was reminded of it by a fine piece in the Kansas City Star yesterday that profiled college football coaches Gary Pinkel of Missouri and Nick Saban of Alabama, who both had ties to Kent State football in their youth. I visited the campus of Kent State during a road trip in 2006 and stopped to see where it all went down on that terrible day. I give the University a lot of credit for not pushing it all under the rug and pretending nothing ever happened—in addition to the memorial that was erected near the scene, they cordoned off the actual spots within the parking lot where the four students were struck down and their names are inscribed in marble.
It's no small coincidence I guess that Platoon was on the cable last night, a film that I can't help but watch over and over again, in spite of all the carnage. I sit and watch that movie and keep trying to figure out what that war was all about. I sometimes wonder if I would have participated in war protests or not if I were of age in that era. At the risk of sounding like a bleeding-heart liberal, I know I would've asked back then the same question I ask today: What did the Vietnam war solve? What did the Korean War solve? What is this Iraq debacle going to solve? I have yet to find anyone who can give me a straight answer...
SPEAKING OF SMART-ASSES...
Reason #1,102 why I hate "I Love The '80s" on VH-1. While channel-surfing the other day, I stumbled across yet another installment of this insipid series, and I couldn't believe how low they had stooped. They were doing 1985, and these losers were actually making fun of quarterback Joe Theismann's gruesome "Monday Night Football" injury and defensive tackle Lawrence Taylor's subsequent reaction thereof where Theismann's leg got pinned under Taylor and it snapped. It takes quite a bit to gross me out, but I was watching when it happened and remember being rather rattled for a day or two after seeing this. I've seen the replay so many times now that I'm pretty much anesthetized to it, but still, it's pitiful that these hack comedian wanna-bes on these VH-1 shows are so jaded that they'd make fun of someone being injured.
JIM HAGER, 1942-2008
Fans of "Hee-Haw" are no doubt saddened by the passing of singer Jim Hager, who died this weekend of a heart attack. He was half of the Hager Brothers duo, who were regulars on the show. I remember watching that show when I was little, and I thought the Hagers were cool merely because they had long hair—I remember precious little about their music! Not to make light of Jim's passing or anything, but I did have to chuckle at the Hager Bros.' official website, which deems them the "World's most famous twins". Talk about your chutzpah...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #80
"See You Tonite"—GENE SIMMONS (1978) "...and if I can't, I'll cry and cry." For the longest time, I thought Gene sang "and if I can't talk right, I'll cry!" Well, with a tongue like that, talking can be difficult sometimes...
LOOK THIS UP IN YOUR FUNK & WAGNALLS...
I just heard some John Madden wanna-be on ESPN use the word "versitality" during their Arena Football League coverage. Is that anything like "Wessonality"?
By the way, I find it highly hypocritical that ESPN covers Arena Football seriously now after years and years of poking fun at it. And must they feature the Philadelphia team every week, just because Bon Jovi owns it? Poffeycock...
"FOUR DEAD IN OHIO..."
Yesterday was the 28th anniversary of the infamous Kent State shootings on May 4, 1970. I was reminded of it by a fine piece in the Kansas City Star yesterday that profiled college football coaches Gary Pinkel of Missouri and Nick Saban of Alabama, who both had ties to Kent State football in their youth. I visited the campus of Kent State during a road trip in 2006 and stopped to see where it all went down on that terrible day. I give the University a lot of credit for not pushing it all under the rug and pretending nothing ever happened—in addition to the memorial that was erected near the scene, they cordoned off the actual spots within the parking lot where the four students were struck down and their names are inscribed in marble.
It's no small coincidence I guess that Platoon was on the cable last night, a film that I can't help but watch over and over again, in spite of all the carnage. I sit and watch that movie and keep trying to figure out what that war was all about. I sometimes wonder if I would have participated in war protests or not if I were of age in that era. At the risk of sounding like a bleeding-heart liberal, I know I would've asked back then the same question I ask today: What did the Vietnam war solve? What did the Korean War solve? What is this Iraq debacle going to solve? I have yet to find anyone who can give me a straight answer...
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