Friday, December 14, 2007

Set the demons free and watch 'em fly!

The New York Post evidently used the following headline regarding the passing of Ike Turner:  "Ike 'Beats' Tina to Death".  Yes, I know, that's not very funny, yet it's fucking hilarious at the same time!

Get a load of this malarkey:

The Colorado shooter has been identified, and his name is Matthew Murray.  He apparently follows the liberal thought pattern on Christianity, as he allegedly was behind a series of blog posts decrying the "nightmare" and "abuses" of Christianity.  It's almost impossible to distinguish between Murray's ranting and those of wacky Christian-hating liberals like Rosie O'Donnell.  To the Matthew Murrays, it is Christianity that is dangerous.  It is Christianity that is intolerant and hate-filled.

This little blurb was written by one Cassy Fiano,

 Let me get this straightCassy's putting a mentally-disturbed gunman in the same league with a misguided (yet relatively harmless) big mouth publicity hound like Rosie O'Donnell?  That's one helluva leap, Cassy!  Where the fuck do these twits get this convoluted logic?  Rush Limbaugh pulled the same bullshit right after the Virginia Tech massacre:  "If this Virginia Tech shooter had an ideology, what do you think it was? This guy had to be a liberal."  In both cases, we're talking about disenfranchised individuals who were fucked-up in the head!  Since when does political ideology or religious affiliation factor into this equation?

So are Cassy and Rush trying to tell us that Christians and/or conservatives never commit murder? I beg to differI've heard it said by more than one person that the world's worst murderers are those who "saw the Light"...

I, FOR ONE, AM UNDERWHELMED... yesterday's big hoop-de-doo on the whole baseball steroids thing.  It didn't tell us a damn thing that we didn't already know anyway.  However, a couple things did occur to me, the main one being how so many of the 80-some-odd players named in the Mitchell Report were so staggeringly mediocre!  Apart from Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Roger Clemens (the latter of whom I've suspected of doing steroids for years), we have such "superstars" on the list as Marvin Benard, Larry Bigbie and Randy Velarde!  Cody McKay?  I couldn't even tell you what team he played for.  Former K.C. Royal Hal Morris also made the listthis guy hit like one whole home run as a member of the Royalsfat load of good those steroids did him, huh?  The other thing that struck me after the report came out is there has been no outcry for Commissioner Howdy Doody's (Bud Selig) resignation, seeing's how he's the one who presided over this whole steroid era and turned a blind eye to everything.

Oh, and then there's our fearless leader Dubya, who remarked today, "We can jump to this conclusion:  that steroids have sullied the game."  Well, he should knowhe's the all-time greatest conclusion-jumper in recorded history!  Funny how you never spoke out about having all them steroid users like Jose Canseco on your roster when you owned the Texas Rangers, huh, Dubya?  Damn jackass...

I'm currently viewing an episode from the Season 2 "Saturday Night Live" DVD set, one episode of which contains a parody commercial about a triple-blade shaving razor that seemed ludicrous during that Bicentennial year.  Doesn't seem so ludicrous with my Gillette Mach3 now hanging in my bathroom.  Another irony included in that same episode:  Paul Shaffer with hair!

"God"JOHN LENNON (1970)  "I don't believe in Zimmerman..."  When I first heard this song in its entirety, it wasn't long after Lennon's demise in 1980, and I had yet to make the Dylan-Zimmerman connection, therefore I thought JL was singing "I don't believe in cinnamon..."  By extension, I also mistook "Buddha" for "butter", the way John sang it.  Please forgive meI was a child of the '70s, not the '60s...

This is current Kansas City mayor Mark Funkhouser.  Lose the goatee and you get this dude...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The times...

Yet another time-honored tradition has gone the way of the Instamatic cameraschool closings read aloud on the radio!  One of my favorite childhood memories was waking up at the crack of 4:30AM and tuning in the radio on those Wintry days just aching to hear those magic words "Raytown Consolidated District #2 is closed today", especially when longtime local K.C. newsman Noel Heckerson did it with his commanding and authoritative baritone.  Thanks to today's information age with the Internet and crawls on the TV news rattling off the next day's school closings, apparently even the major news/talk radio stations don't bother to read them anymore.  Is there nothing sacred today?  Hell, part of the reason I got into radio in the first place was so I could read off the school closings and be the bearer of good news to all the 9-year-olds glued to their radios at the crack of 4:30AM...

Then again, the rules have changed drastically for closing the schools over the last few years anyway.  It used to take an act of Congress to get them to shut down school on snowy days (Raytown in particular) back in the '70s, but with all the raging paranoia about potential lawsuits if a bus goes off in the ditch and the kids get frostbite, school districts are now cancelling class at the first sighting of a snowflake the night before instead of waiting until morning like they used to.  The Raytown schools were closed on Tuesday, even though the streets were merely wet, and quite drive-able.  Hell, the roads were icier today following last night's overnight glazing, yet the schools were wide open.  Okey-fine...

As for the big ice storm, we dodged a major bullet here in K.C., as the storm knocked out power to folks north of us in St. Joseph, and way south of us in Oklahoma and southern Kansas.  Apart from tornadoes and heat waves, ice storms are the one weather phenomenon that I dread the most because of their one-two punch of slick roads and power outages.  My electricity was out for eight straight days after the 2002 ice storm here, and it basically sucked.  Let's hope those without power tonight get theirs restored ASAP.

IKE TURNER, 1931-2007
Big news of the day was the passing of Ike Turner, who evidently died in his sleep today.  With all the negative aura about him in light of Tina Turner's biography I, Tina in which she detailed the constant beatings she suffered from him, it's easy to forget that Ike Turner was a top-flight musician.  It's a damn shame that his drug addiction and abusive nature got the best of him, too.  Although I respect him as a musician and songwriter, I have NO respect whatsoever for men who beat on their women.  Unfortunately, ol' Ike nevah evah did nothin' nice and easy...

Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow's death was apparently caused by an accidental cocaine overdose.  It figures.  Uhh, drugs are bad, ummm-kay?  Dumbass...

Most accounts of Monday night's Led Zeppelin concert in London were quite favorable, although drummer Jason Bonham may well have stolen the show from his dad's former co-horts.  Plant, Page and Jones are still pretty non-committal about doing any further shows after this one, but now the rumors of an impending tour are flying like bum notes at a Sex Pistols concert.  For those of you keeping score, here's Monday's set list:

Good Times, Bad Times
Ramble On
Black Dog
In My Time of Dying
For Your Life
Trampled Underfoot
Nobody’s Fault But Mine
No Quarter
Since I’ve Been Lovin’ You
Dazed and Confused
Stairway To Heaven
The Song Remains the Same
Misty Mountain Hop
Whole Lotta Love

Rock And Roll

"The Immigrant Song"LED ZEPPELIN (1970)  "Hammer of the gods..."  Glaring omission from Monday's set list, from which I originally mistook this phrase for "camera of the gods".  Then again, I can't understand half the stuff Robert Plant sings anyway.  Come to think of it, can any of you?

Congrats to former Kansas City Chiefs defensive back Emmitt Thomas for being named interim coach of the Atlanta Falcons today.  He was always one of my favorite players during the Chiefs' glory days when I was a small child, and it's nice to see #18 finally get a shot at running the show, even if it's just for three games.  This all came about when Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino abruptly (and cowardly) bolted the team less than 12 hours after their Monday night loss to the Saints to take the head coaching job at the U. of Arkansas.  In the words of A. Bunker, "Oh, if he ain't a horse's patoot!"

The Chicago Cubs signed OF Kosuke Fukudome from Japan today.  Let me tell you right now, my friends, me and ESPN's Chris Berman are going to get plenty of mileage out of this dude's name!  Fuck who's dome?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

911 Transcript

911 Dispatch, how may I assist you?
Hello, I'd like to report a robberysomeone stole our scoreboard!
Can you describe the scoreboard, sir?
Yeah, it's 110-feet tall and in the shape of a crown, and someone made off with it, along with some other items in our yard.
What kind of items, sir?
Well, it looks like they took our outfield wall and JumboTron, and one of our bullpens is missing too.
Fine, sir, I'll send an officer out to assist you immediately...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Can you describe the ruckus?

Pittsburgh Steelers back-up safety Anthony Smith personally guaranteed the Steelers would beat New England yesterday.  Final score:  Patriots 34, Steelers 13.  This is why I generally don't approve of trash-talkingmost of the time you wind up looking foolish in the end.  However, I do have a new piece of strategy for the teams who play the Patriots the rest of this season:  guarantee that you're going lose to New England!  Hell, a little reverse psychology might just work...

Yesterday's performance by the Kansas City Chefs in Denver was quite possibly their most sorry-ass game in the last 20 years, a 41-7 debacle during which the offense gained a whole 48 feet (16 yards) rushing and the defense pretty much phoned it in.  I knew K.C. wasn't going to be a contender this year, especially after they basically wasted training camp and the preseason, but I at least expected a team that played hard and competed.  I'm still willing to give head coach Herm Edwards the benefit of the doubt and give him time to shape the team in his image, but it's time for general manager Carl Peterson to step aside and let someone else run the show and bring in some better talent.  This team hasn't looked this pathetic since the Frank Gansz era in the late '80s.

Good advice for Michael Vick over the next 23 months, since that's what the judge gave Mr. Bad Newz today for his dog-fighting enterprise.  That's more than I was expecting he'd get, and no doubt a lot more than all the Vick apologists/sycophants hoped he'd get.  And before said sycophants play the race card here, I'll say it again:  I'd feel the same way about this if it were Brett Favre or Peyton Manning who was accused of this craprot in jail, asshole!  Meantime, I sure hope Mikey remembered to pack his K-Y Jelly, because he's going to be somebody's little puppy in the clink.  Sorry, bad pun...

Add to my ever-growing list that precocious little girl with the elephant on the DLP plasma TV ads.  Not sure why, but I find her more than just a tad irritating...

JOHN INMAN, 1935-2007
News travels a little slow sometimes even in this day and age, as I just learned over the weekend of the passing of British actor/comedian John Inman way back in March of this year.  Inman played junior menswear clerk Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries on the '70s BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?"  AYBS is a cult favorite, and I latched on to the show about 12 years ago on PBS (when Wendy Richard's dynamite legs caught my eye), and Mr. Humphries was clearly the focal point of the show with his campy over-the-top character, mincing steps, homosexual overtones and trademark "I'm free!" catchphrase.  Although it was always implied that Mr. Humphries was gay, he never actually outed himself on the showin the same way that we never actually saw Vera on "Cheers" or Maris on "Frasier"and John Inman was a total hoot.  If I may paraphrase Mr. Humphries himself:  Now he's truly free!  A belated R.I.P., Johnyou were one funny little dude...

In this corner, I give you Former U. of Missouri basketball coach "Stormin'" Norman Stewart...

...and in this corner, we have little Jackie Wright from "The Benny Hill Show"!

Impending doom is apparently on its way to Kansas City, as another ice storm approacheth.  First off, I'd like to recite my annual Winter refrain:  Global Warming, my ass!  Second off, there's a distinct possibility that I might incur a power outage here at the ol' homestead and not be able to finish what I