Saturday, March 10, 2007

Misc. Stuff

And I mean that sincerely—Eddie Van Halen announced this week that he is entering rehab and I commend him for it.  This man is far too gifted and talented to be wallowing in his own feces (figuratively) and becoming a punch line just like Anna Nicole Smith.  Don't know whether he will attend the R'N'R Hall of Fame ceremony Monday night or not (word has it that Michael Anthony may now be the only member of VH to attend), but I truly hope EVH is able to exorcise his inner demons and become a true guitar god again.  Let's hope Edward's rehab goes a bit more swimmingly than Britney's...

Incidentally, VH-1 is airing the RNRHOF thing live as it happens this year for a change.  May well be more drama here than the Oscars...

You may or may not have heard about hockey player Chris Simon of the New York Islanders being suspended indefinitely for whacking a guy in the face with his stick on Thursday night.  That term "suspended indefinitely" always bugs me.  I know it means for an undetermined length of time, but it sounds so wishy-washy to me.  Shouldn't be anything "indefinite" about it—the miscreant is most definitely suspended!

VH-1, in their seemingly never-ending quest to prolong the careers of has-beens/never-weres with their so-called "Celebreality" series, has managed to unearth the great douche-bag himself, Andrew "Dice" Clay for their latest "reality" borefest.  What, Bowser from Sha Na Na was unavailable?  Vanilla Ice wanted too much money?  William Hung not so well-hung?

Good golly, Miss Molly—must we dust off this no-talent jagoff and put him back on TV again?  I can honestly say that Clay's vulgarity never offended me at all—fuck, I've been a fan of the likes of R. Pryor, R. Foxx, G. Carlin , E. Murphy and the band W.A.S.P. for years!  My fundamental problem with A.D.C. is he just ain't funny!  What "Dice" never seems to understand is that dirty does NOT necessarily equal funny.  About the only noteworthy thing Clay ever did in my book was coining the phrase "cute bald chick".

"You’re The One That I Want"—JOHN TRAVOLTA/OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (1978) "I got chills—they’re multiplyin’." Or better known to my 8th grade ears as "I got shoes, they’re good for flyin’."  I told ya Travolta couldn't sing...

This may be poor timing on my part in the wake of Brad Delp's passing yesterday, but I'm reminded of a funny parody of Boston's "Rock 'N' Roll Band" by an Alternative band back in the early '90s.  I think they were called the Rug Burns (or something like that), and I heard them one night on KLZR out of Lawrence, KS.  Anyway, the song started off "We were just another band out of Duck-Snort..." and later they skewered the line about the man who "came to the stage one night" with "He drove a big cigar and smoked a Cadillac car..."

What Might Have Been... Vol. II

Some more interesting tidbits about movie and TV peeples...

John Belushi was originally slated to be in Ghostbusters before his untimely death.  I’ve heard conflicting reports that he would have either played Venkman (Bill Murray’s character) or Ernie Hudson’s character.

Speaking of Belushi, Animal House was initially slated to be filmed on the campus of the University of Missouri in Columbia, but school officials took one look at the script and got the heebie-jeebies, thus the plan was scuttled, so Otter, D-Day, Flounder, Bluto and the boys from Delta House wound up filming at the University of Oregon.

Actor Edward James Olmos lost out to Christopher Lloyd as Kruge the Klingon in Star Trek III-The Search For Spock because Lloyd was taller.  D’oh!

—Seven years before becoming Dr. Noah Drake on "General Hospital", Rick Springfield nearly replaced David Cassidy on "The Partridge Family" when Cassidy handed in his notice after the show’s fourth season.  Since no one seemed to notice when they replaced the original brown-haired Chris (Jeremy Gelbwaks) with a blond Chris (Brian Forster), the producers thought it might work with Rick taking David's place too.  However, cooler heads prevailed, and they wisely decided to call it a day since the series had run its course anyway, plus it was high time for Danny Bonaduce to get started on becoming the pathetic has-been he is today.

—Actor/producer Jeremy Lloyd was a regular on "Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In" in the early ‘70s, and later co-created the BBC sitcom "Are You Being Served?", and he can be very thankful for a bout of exhaustion that probably saved his life.  He was invited to spend the evening with Sharon Tate and friends on August 9, 1969 when the Manson family came a-calling.  Fortunately for Lloyd, he was so tired that he took a nap that afternoon which lasted well into the evening and he wound up not going out that night at all.

—Actress Moira Kelly was originally cast as Kit Keller in A League Of Their Own, but an ankle injury she sustained during the filming of her breakthrough movie The Cutting Edge (where she played a figure skater) put the kibosh on that.  Subsequently, Lori Petty got the role of Kit, for which she wore a wig because her real hair was much shorter than Kit's.

—Sharon Stone was passed over for lead roles in several big-time movies, including Fatal Attraction (Glenn Close), Batman (Kim Basinger) and Dick Tracy (Madonna).

Brad Delp--1951-2007

Sad and shocking news in the Rock 'N' Roll world as Boston lead singer Brad Delp was found dead yesterday at age 55 at his home in New Hampshire.  No word yet on the cause of death, but foul play is not suspected.  (That's him on the left in the photo.)

Strange irony that Brad's death comes just a few days after my little Boston rant—in which I meant NO disrespect to Brad or the band itself, just the disproportionate amount of airplay they get on the radio.  I loved them when they first came on the scene—hell, I played that first Boston album nearly as often as Kiss' Destroyer and Frampton Comes Alive in '76.  "Smokin'" and "Peace of Mind" are my two favorites of theirs, and "Something About You" is their most underrated track.  And like I've said before, that first album holds the rare distinction of having EVERY track from it played on a regular basis on Classic Rock stations (Led Zeppelin IV being the only other one I can think of).  You can't sneeze at that...

If I DO have a criticism of Boston, it's that they had the potential to be one of the biggest American bands of all-time—right up there with Aerosmith and Van Halen—but sadly, they got all tangled up in legal hassles and perfectionism and egos (mostly attributable to guitarist/leader Tom Scholz, I think), and they only made what, four albums in 20 years?  I'd like to think that band had a lot more to say, and Brad Delp certainly had one of the finest voices you'll ever hear in ANY genre of music.

Maudlin as it might sound, I feel like I've lost a chunk of my past here.  Thus, I am voluntarily cranking up the Boston tonight on my CD player...

Rest In Peace, Brad

Thursday, March 8, 2007


It's entirely possible Ann Coulter does indeed have a nut sack, after all!

Not bad, for someone who looks like a third-rate Aerosmith groupie...

Dude looks a lady, indeed!

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

That and this

I should probably have heeded my man Pete Townshend's words, but I'm a glutton for punishment, I guess, as I currently view Disc 2 of the Captain & Tennille DVD thing, and it's every bit as putrid as Disc 1 so far.  Opening number on the first episode features C&T doing the Three Dog Night classic "Celebrate" with El Capitan wearing this bizarre orange tuxedo/ostrich feather boa get-up that even Elton John wouldn't have touched, with Tennille wearing an equally gaudy pink gown get-up, while orange-clad dancers circled the stage.  What was this show's obsession with the color orange?

I rented Disc 2 mainly to see Heart's appearance, which apparently is on bloody Disc 3—oy!  Oh well, it's still kind of a hoot to see The Sylvers doing "Hot Line"—man, those were some big-ass afros!  Chaka Khan isn't too hard on the eyes on here, either.  "M*A*S*H" must not have been paying Loretta Swit worth a damn back then, because she made two different appearances on "C&T", and would you believe, even Muhammad Ali was on this show?  Right now as I type, Dick Clark is on there playing Clark Kent.  It's all like this surreal dream...

Regarding Scooter Libby’s conviction yesterday—yer outta there!  This is just the first domino to fall, too.  And that's all I have to say about that.  For now...

…on "Law & Order", playing a TV personality—wow, what a stretch!  I guess that's the best she can do—it would be too big of a stretch for that helmet-haired bee-yatch to portray a human being...

"Isn't She Lovely?"--STEVIE WONDER (1976) "Isn't she lovely, made from love?" I always thought Stevie's daughter was named "Mabel Love", and that's why he sang "Isn't she lovely, Mabel Love."  Oh dopey me...

Caught Jay Leno’s "headlines" bit last night, and he had a funny one involving a sale ad for Mrs. Paul’s "Dreaded" Fish Sticks!  Sometimes there IS truth in advertising…

Here's a couple more that came to mind...

"Elenore"—THE TURTLES (1968) "You’re my pride and joy, et cetera…"  The only Rock ‘N’ Roll song I know of that has "etc." in the lyrics!  Gee, you must be really enamored with this chick with talk like that!  Why not throw in a couple blah, blah, blahs and a yadda, yadda, yadda or two?  Ad infinitum…

"Smoke On The Water"--DEEP PURPLE (1972) "Some stupid with a flare gun burned the place to the ground."  Stupid is as stupid does—"Stupid" is an adjective, not a noun!  I can't believe Ian Gillan couldn't have come up with a stronger word here—dumbass, bonehead, idiot, weirdo, drunkard, jackass, nutbag, firebug—anything but stupid!

Tuesday, March 6, 2007


A few samples of the humor of Ace Frehley:
 "Why can an Irishman only fart 239 times?...cause one more would be too farty."

"I'm gonna name three people who were shot in the head: Abe Lincoln, J.F.K. and the guy who sat in front of Pee-Wee Herman in the porno theater!”

"What did Madonna's left leg say to her right leg? Nothing--they never met."

"I'm gonna have to wear rubber gloves when Anthrax takes the stage!" (November, 2001)

News and (my) Views

Moronic big-mouth conservative pundit Ann Coulter made headlines again this week by calling Democratic Pres. candidate John Edwards a "faggot", then back-pedaled and claimed it was all a joke.  Riiiiight.  I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other about Edwards yet—this isn’t about him—but for someone who claims to be a conservative and/or a Christian, Ann Coulter sure doesn’t act like one!  She doesn't look like one, either—she dresses like a slut most of the time.  I’ve figured out why she does this shit, though—it’s a desperate way to keep her name in the papers because she has nothing else relevant or profound to say, all the while chanting the conservative mantra of "We’re right/we’re always right/we’ll always be right."  I won’t waste my time or yours rehashing Coulter’s other outlandish ramblings, but suffice it to say that most of the crap this woman says and writes amounts to little more than runny post-KFC stool.  Still, I think she should have been strung up by her nut sack (if she had one) for her remarks about the 9/11 widows—hell, even douche-bag O’Reilly tried to distance himself from that burst of bilge water—and if I were a conservative, I sure wouldn’t want this wing-nut on my team.

"Good Times Roll"—THE CARS (1978) "If the illusion is real, let them give you a ride…" Or as I once interpreted it:  "If Ted Nugent is real…"  Well, he used to be, anyway...

I neglected to update last week’s K.C. mayoral election, where our hero Stan Glazer, aka "Mr. Observation Wheel", finished 10th out of 12 candidates.  I repeat: 10th out of 12!  And one of two people he finished ahead of is facing criminal charges for her alleged misdoings, too!  Stan "Not-The-Man" garnered a whopping 1.7% of the vote—that’s only 1.7% more than I got, and I didn’t even run...

By the way, a boo/hiss to the people of Kansas City:  I find it pathetic in a city of half a million people that less than 58,000 even bothered to vote in a mayoral election.  That’s barely 10% of the population deciding who’s running the show.  And don’t blame the weather for the poor turnout at the polls, either—it was a decent day out last Tuesday.  I bet if they gave out free BBQ ribs at the polls, people woulda showed up to vote—if you ever want to get Kansas Citians to collectively do something, have a barbecue!  Hell, just ACT like you’re having a barbecue, and they’ll come-a runnin’ like Forrest Gump…

You can add The Exorcist to my 30 Most Overrated Movies of All-Time list.  I just watched it for the first time in its entirety over the weekend, and I was largely unimpressed.  I guess it was a bit more of a sensation in 1973 when that genre of movie was still in its infancy, but I found it pretty boring.  I will say this, though—Ellen Burstyn excelled at playing fuddy-duddy matronly characters, as does Diane Keaton.

Something I forgot to mention in my tribute to Hall of Fame-elect Royals broadcaster Denny Matthews:  For many years, a local snack food company called Guy’s has been a regular sponsor on Royals radio broadcasts.  Guy’s is famous for potato chips, cheese puffs, pretzels and such, and urban legend has it that one night during a game, Denny was reading a commercial bit for the company, and it went something like this:  "…So be sure and run out and grab some Guy’s Nuts today…"

One thing I love about the Internet is how average Joe’s like me can start a grass-roots campaign at rabble-rousing.  Seems a local guy has started a website called, a nice little razz at local K.C. TV weather tart/sensationalist drama queen Katie Horner, whose alarmist severe storm alert break-ins have become the bane of many innocent TV viewers’ existence.  I have no problem with keeping people informed when severe weather threatens, but it’s another thing entirely to take over the airwaves and keep everyone on edge at every sighting of a dark cloud.  "Oh, don’t worry—I’m not going to leave you," Katie often says, as she wipes out an entire evening’s network programming to give people up-to-the minute coverage of the pea-sized hail falling 100 miles from downtown K.C.  It’s not even Spring here yet, and she’s already in mid-season form.

Jeez, I hate local TV news and weather…

Monday, March 5, 2007

A Tribute to Brother Bluto

Hard to believe it was 25 years ago today that we lost John Belushi.  I just finished viewing the entire first season of "Saturday Night Live" on DVD, and Belushi was just getting started in year one, but he had his moments, like the classic "Samurai" skits and his spot-on Joe Cocker impersonation, not to mention the "killer bees" bits.  Chevy Chase’s departure after that first year was the best thing that could have happened to that show anyway because it opened the door for Belushi to shine and be the show’s focal point instead of the smarmy Chase.  I’ve read in more than one account that Belushi couldn’t stand Chevy (who can?), and I look forward for Season Two to come out on DVD, because that’s when John (and Dan Aykroyd) really took off.

When I first heard the news that he had died, I immediately thought of the SNL film sketch that featured Belushi playing himself as an old man 50 years in the future.  He’s walking around a snowy graveyard reminiscing about how all the other SNL cast members had preceded him in death and I thought how sadly ironic it was that he was actually the FIRST to go.  Then it also hit me that this would be the end of the Blues Brothers too, which bummed me out—I loved the way Belushi did "I Don’t Know" ("Well what did I say to piss you off this time, BAAAAAAYYYY-BAYYY?").  Sadly, the act was on the decline a bit, since they started doing old pop songs like "Gimme Some Lovin’" and "Expressway To Your Heart" instead of hardcore Blues songs like on their first album, but it was still such a huge loss.

His film career was pretty uneven, but who can forget Belushi as Bluto in Animal House?  Although he didn’t really have that many lines in the movie, John made the most of the scenes he was in and had some classic moments like, "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily…" and "They took the bar!!! The whole FUCKING BAR!!!" and his bit on the ladder spying on the sorority girls is quintessential Belushi.

He was kind of a "Joe Schmoe", but Belushi made the most of his talents and when he was on top of his game, he was as funny as anyone.  It’s a shame the drugs got a hold of him at such a young age.  Rumor has it that Robin Williams was hanging around with him earlier that fateful day in 1982—it's possible we might have lost two comic legends in almost (literally) one shot of heroin.  Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?

Long live Senator Blutarsky and Joliet Jake!

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Shark Jumping 107

I'll be there for you with a few selected "Friends" Jump The Shark moments.  Keep in mind once again that I didn't write these, nor do I necessarily agree with them (although most times I do)--I just cut and paste them!

—Chandler and Monica…It isn’t so much that they are dating.  It’s the trying to hide it from the other characters for an entire season.

—And to those of you who whine about the lack of racial integration on this show, get real; how many of us can really say our closest circle of friends is racially diverse? [Good point!--B.H.]

—“Friends” jumped the shark when Monica and Rachel started competing on who could lose weight the fastest.  Both now look like they just walked out of a concentration camp.

—And yeah, it’s unrealistic, but that is why we call this fiction, boys and girls.  If you don’t like it, stop watching it. “I watch it for the hot chicks” is a crappy excuse—get a Playboy.

—The theme song sounds like a bad Monkees tune.

—Rachel, Marcia Brady called--she wants her hair back!—I can’t believe Courteney Cox married that goofy Arquette guy. Huh?  Why that “1-800-CALL-ATT” moron?  Was Carrot Top unavailable?—This is a Jenny Craig nightmare show.  Cox and Aniston look like two skeletons.  Cox’s face has the lines of a chain smoker.

—…they then turned Courteney Cox (consistently voted one of the world’s most beautiful women) into something that looked like Pippi Longstockings on a heroin bender.

—Ross Gellar—If I was his first wife, I would be a lesbian too.

—Please take a hint from “90210”:  When all the characters have run out of friends within the group to sleep with, it is time to pull the plug.

—This season (where Rachel is pregnant) is going to suck.  It will be about morning sickness, no coffee and swollen ankles.  Then next season will be about no sleep.  Then the next season, Rachel’s kid will be about six years old.  Game Over.

—How white-trash can you get:  Getting artificially inseminated with your brother’s sperm?  Is this the Jerry Springer Show?

—Enough already with blond bombshells and cute coeds chasing after Ross!  Is David Schwimmer competing with Woody Allen for most too-young, too-hot-for-him babes bagged by a schlub?

—“Friends” JTS when Monica decided eating was a hobby.  And all that accomplished was that she looked like a 45-year-old chain-smoking booze hound.  Someone give her a sandwich!!

—Monica is the worst--long straight hair that looks like a pair of black curtains framing her scrawny face.

—Rachel…thank god she got a haircut—she was looking like those Afghan dogs.

—Also REAL friends would tell Phoebe she sucks at guitar, tell Joey he sucks at acting, settle the Ross-Rachel thing once and for all, and tell Monica to stop being so damn annoying!

My Top 20 Kiss Songs of All-Time

You wanted the best, so here goes! My all-time Kiss Top 20, which you might be shocked to find does NOT include "Rock And Roll All Nite", "I Love It Loud" or "Calling Dr. Love"...

20) "Creatures Of The Night" (1982)  This song hailed the great Kiss comeback in the '80s, back to the down-and-dirty sound after spending about five years in musical wilderness.  It quickly made everyone forget about that Music From The Elder catastrophe...
19) "Nothin' To Lose" (1974)  Great call-and-response bit between Peter Criss and Gene and Paul. Old favorite in concert, too.
18) "I Just Wanna" (1992)  As Frank Burns on "M*A*S*H" once said--It's got that word in it!
17) "Hotter Than Hell" (1974)  I can't understand why they stopped playing this one live so long ago--it's a killer!
16) "She" (1975)  Go with the live version on Alive! where Ace gets to really stretch out and jam.
15) "Tears Are Falling" (1985)  Asylum was a very overlooked album, and it always pisses me off how Gene and Paul always try to act like the '80s never happened whenever they rehash the band's history--Kiss put out some damn good stuff after they took off the make-up.
14) "War Machine" (1982)  A lot of folks don't know that Bryan Adams co-wrote this one. Strike down the one who leads you...
13) "UH! All Night" (1985)  I'll give you three guesses what "UH!" means...
12) "Parasite" (1974)  Underrated Kiss classic off the poorly-recorded Hotter Than Hell album. Dandy riff from Mr. Frehley, and an even dandier solo...
11) "Makin' Love" (1976)  Smokin' little number courtesy of Mr. Stanley. Never sounded very good live, though, minus the echo effect during the chorus.
10) "Fits Like A Glove" (1983)  Great riff from Gene and a downright dirty song: "'Cus when I go through her, it's just like a hot knife through butter..."
9) "Firehouse" (1974)  Gotta love this one, always a highlight of a Kiss show.
8) "Let Me Go, Rock 'N' Roll" (1974)  Don't bother with the truncated studio version on Hotter Than Hell--go with the live version on Alive! or the demo version on the Kiss box set where they stretch this thing out and jam a little.
7) "Young And Wasted" (1983)  Gene sang this nasty little song on Lick It Up, but it sounded even better live with the late Eric Carr on vocals.  Even Vinnie Vincent sounded good here...
6) "Love Gun" (1977)  Another concert staple with a great riff, and one of Paul Stanley's better vocal performances.  It took me a few years to notice what a great bass line Gene Simmons put on this one too, and Ace's solo on here just cooks!
5) "Cold Gin" (1974)  You know it'll always win! If that first Kiss album had been recorded worth a damn at all, this song would be an FM radio staple right up there with "Highway To Hell" and "Smoke On The Water".  A major missed opportunity...
4) "Black Diamond" (1974)  I don't really relate to songs about prostitutes, but this one rocks anyway.  Always a concert highlight that closed the shows with lots of bombs and pyro.
3) "Shout It Out Loud" (1976)  Kiss meets the Wall of Sound and it works. Screw "Rock And Roll All Nite"--this is the definitive Kiss anthem.  A lot of Kiss fans were turned off by the slickness of this one (and the Destroyer album in general), but I fucking loved it.  I also love call-and-answer lyrics, and this song is a beautiful two-minute, 46-second masterpiece.
2) "Deuce" (1974)  Can't come up with a more appropos title for #2 than this one, can ya? This is the song Kiss most often opens their shows with (or plays in the #2 hole), and this one makes it on attitude alone. It has to, with lyrics like "Get up and get your grandma outta here!" Love the little bit of choreography that Gene, Paul and Ace always did at the end of the song in concert, too.
1) "Detroit Rock City" (1976)  If they ever make a movie about my life, I want this song to play during the opening credits.  From the opening riff through the verses and the chorus, this was abso-tively The Hottest Band In The World's finest hour in the studio.  You most definitely gotta lose your mind in Detroit, too.  I actually have done so, a couple times...

First and ten, do it again...

For those of you who don't know what I look like, here is photographic evidence.  I would put a photo of myself in my blog profile, but they want me to download something for that, so this is the next best thing.  Just for the record, I am not a Minnesota Vikings fan--I got the Daunte Culpepper jersey on sale cheap at the Mall of America, 11 is my favorite number, the Vikings mini-helmet belongs to my good friend Phil (aka "Cheez"), and fuck it, I look good in purple!

Here's another shot taken that same day with me modeling the latest in Union Jack headwear with Phil's cousins Steve and Lee from Merry Ole England.  At least I have cuter knees than that blonde morning news tart on Faux News Channel...

And while I'm at it, here's my humble abode for the past 11 years, 2 months, and 8 days, along with my former vehicle, Homer The Cavalier, so-named after H. Simpson's similar-looking conveyance vehicle. Please note the fallen rust particles near his tailpipe...

And here is my current conveyance vehicle, the mighty Sparky The Cavalier, for which I owe five more year's worth of payments.  He's about 10 years younger than Homer, and lots more reliable, too. Oddly enough, being a 2-door machine, Sparky has more payload space than Homer did, plus he has a fine CD player that I can avoid morning FM radio shows with too...