Saturday, January 3, 2009

"Another year over...

...a new one's just begun."--J. Lennon

And not a minute too soon!  2008 was a rather sucky year, overall.  It wasn't so bad for me personally, but I know it was a rotten year for a lot of people, given the mass unemployment caused by the recession and economy and all, as well as for a few friends of mine.  I don't believe in New Year's resolutions per se, but I have begun chanting the mantra from the Edgar Winter Group classic "Free Ride":  "We (I) gotta do better...'cause nobody's winning at this kind of game."  My gut feeling is things are going to gradually turn around for lots of folks, and 2009 will be a much better year.

Here would be yours truly ringing in the new year the other night at the gig played by my good friend Phil Alvarez and his band, Headz Up, on NYE.  Either that, or I was doing my Oliver Hardy impression!  I've added the band's website link to the right here for those of you in the K.C. area who might be looking to get out and enjoy some loud, rhythmic music.  If you like variety, you'll find it with Headz Up—any band that can go from playing Prince, the Commodores and "Play That Funky Music" (white boyz!) in one set, to playing Johnny Cash, Black Sabbath and Z.Z. Top in another set can't be all bad!  I just wish they'd lay off the "Mustang Sally" thing already...

Anyway, on NYE the music was good and the music was loud, and a good time was had by all.  I also made one little observation about the folks I saw on the dance floor:  Eddie Murphy was absolutely right when he discussed white people and said, "Y'all can't dance!"  Me included...

Thanks to yours truly, the Kansas City Star had to print a correction Thursday for an error that I brought to their attention.  In their annual listing of famous people who passed away in 2008, they included musician Dave Clark dead at age 64, which of course is untrue.  The Star made the common mistake lots of folks do in assuming that DC was the lead singer of the Dave Clark Five, when in fact it was singer/keyboardist Mike Smith who died in February, just prior to the DC5's induction into the Crock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame.  Just to clarify, Dave Clark is the band's drummer, and he is indeed still among the living as far as I know...

The good folks at Lake Superior State U. released their 34th annual list this week of Words To Be Banished From the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness (or the WTBBFTQEFMOAGU, for short).  Among this year's dishonorees are 'green', 'maverick', 'first dude', 'bailout', 'Wall Street/Main Street', 'game changer', 'staycation' and 'desperate search'.  And if it's not already on their list, I hereby nominate 'breaking news'.  I was especially proud of the submission made by one Ed Hardiman of Bristow, VA, who said, "If I see one more corporation declare itself 'green', I'm going to start burning tires in my backyard."  I'll gladly join you, Brother Ed—Amen!

Today marks the 13th anniversary of the day I took possession of my humble abode.  It will be officially paid-for on January 3, 2016, by which time I might actually be finished remodeling it...

How 'bout dem Cowboys!  I wasn't sure if I was watching NFL football or a new sitcom on Fox last weekend, as Dallas bungled and fumbled away their game against the Philadelphia Iggles.  All I know is I have never laughed so hard during a sporting event.  I was also pleased to see the Patriots shut out of the playoffs (although their 11-5 record certainly warranted them being in) and Detroit completing their pursuit of perfection by going 0-16.  Speaking of pursuits of perfection, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ruined mine by losing to the Raiders on Sunday in the only game I incorrectly predicted last weekend.  I've been doing the picks every week for over 30 years now, and going 16-0 is the prediction equivalent to pitching a no-hitter.  Thanks for nothing, Suck-a-neers...

And then there were the Chefs looking just as pitiful in going 2-14 and securing the #3 pick in the '09 draft.  Someone please explain to me why the Chefs were still running TV ads after the Cincinnati game on Sunday encouraging people to call TicketBastard to order game tickets—there are no more games this year!!

Is it just me, or is it (without fail) that in nearly every movie or TV show since the '70s that's set in San Francisco, the main character either lives in an apartment or has an office with a great view of either the TransAmerica Building, Bay Bridge or Golden Gate Bridge?

Are the people who hail from Maine known as "Mainiacs"?

Shea Stadium is rapidly wasting away...

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Asshole(s) of The Year - Part 2

The rest of the worst.  Once again, reader discretion is advised for those who are easily offended...

Sean Avery (NHL agitator)  In hockey, agitators can be a good thing to have on one’s team, but there’s a fine line between being a productive goon and being an obnoxious boor, and this cocky dimwit constantly crosses it.  Avery makes the guys on the Charlestown Chiefs look like model citizens.  Kudos to the Dallas Stars for dropping him like a bad habit following his "sloppy seconds" comments.

Al Davis (managing partner, Oakland Raiders)  The man gets more and more senile as time goes on and his "Commitment to Excellence" mantra is only half-right—the man needs to be committed, that’s for sure.  His handling of head coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal this season was downright bizarre.  Just retire, baby—please!

Niecy Nash (host of Style Channel’s "Clean House")  I swear, every time I tune in this network while channel surfing, there’s this airhead with the fake flower in her wig and enough collagen in her lips to fill up a 747 doing her "you go, girl" shtick with a bunch of idiots who are too stupid to organize their own belongings.  A pox on all of them!

Walmart Black Friday stampeders  I have no respect for over-zealous Neanderthal shoppers who value sweet deals on X-Boxes and such way more more than a man’s life.  Fucking barbarians…

Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame induction committee  These are the people who think John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen (who?!?) and Madonna are HOF material, while Deep Purple, the Moody Blues and Stevie Ray Vaughan are not.  What a sham.  What a shame, too.

Hearne Christopher (former K.C. Star gossip columnist)  See my previous post on why he’s here.  There’s about as much call for being a gossip columnist in Kansas City as there is for being a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model at The Vatican.

Deion Sanders (NFL Network color analyst)  For questioning the manhood of Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson for not toughing it out and playing through a severe foot injury in the playoffs against the Patriots.  This from a guy who dresses like a pimp and couldn’t even tackle Miley Cyrus.

Heather Mills (ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney)  For trying to put Sir Paul in the poor house by staking a claim to most of his fortune during their contentious divorce proceedings.  Uhhh, I don’t remember her writing any of those Beatles songs, do you?  I hope she winds up marrying some schlub like Joey Tribbiani and he throws her wooden leg in the fireplace!

Revs. Al Sharpton/Pat Robertson/Jesse "cut his nuts off" Jackson, et al  I have very little use for religious "leaders" like these.  If that’s your best, your best won’t do.

Fox News Channel  I’ll give them this much—at least they’re consistently slanted to the Right.  I was rather disappointed they didn’t try to claim that Barack Obama "looks French" during the campaign.

Michelle Malkin/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Jonah Goldberg/Geraldo Rivera/Dr. Laura/Sean Hannity/Dennis Miller, et al  I’m taking the easy way out again this year and lumping all these right-wing columnists/pundits/antagonists into one entry because it would take me until the end of next year to denote all their transgressions!  Sqwaukin’ Malkin probably deserves Idiot of The Year honors for trying to get people to believe that vapid daytime hostess Rachel Ray’s scarf in a Dunkin’ Donuts TV ad was some sort of Islamic Jihad symbol.  Coulter, Hannity, Limbaugh and O’Reilly are also in the running for Asshole of the Decade honors.

George W. Bush/Dick Cheney  Also in the hunt for Asshole of The Decade, both earned their place on this list by default.  These two have brought this country’s collective psyche to its knees, and it's going to take years to fully recover from it.  Even if Obama is an abject failure as President (and I don’t think he will be), he’s got to be better than what we’ve been through these last eight years.  Good riddance to both of them!

Sasquatch  This is the code name I use for the foul-smelling former female co-worker that we had to deal with at my job until they finally fired her ass in April.  This woman thought nothing of parking her car all day in designated handicapped spaces (even though there’s nothing wrong with her, apart from her poor vaginal hygiene), was constantly late to work, spent hours on end yapping on her cell phone (during work time) and often had to take time off to deal with her incorrigible out-of-control children and/or go to court for her various vehicular accidents.  From what we’ve heard, Stinky-Poo landed a job elsewhere and is now fouling up someone else’s medical facility.  Better them than us!

Mark Funkhouser/Gloria Squitiro (Mayor of Kansas City and his idiot wife)  Speaking of Funks, this Lurch from "Addams Family" look-alike has been nothing but a joke since taking office two years ago, and his meddling wife with the Yoko Ono complex has been an absolute embarrassment to the city with her racial slurs ("Mammy" being the most infamous) and interference in official city business.  These two recently took their story to ABC and had a pity-party on "Good Morning, America" for the whole nation to see.  It’s gotten to the point now where folks are calling for a recall election to oust this boob.  I’d vote his ass out of office in a heartbeat if I actually lived in K.C. proper.

Ozzie Guillen (Chicago White Sox manager)  This poor sport’s act has gotten really stale over the last couple years after being a media darling for the likes of ESPN, et al.  Can’t seem to get over his raging paranoia about the crosstown Cubbies being infinitely more popular than his South Side squad, in spite of winning the World Series in 2005.  Could it possibly be that the Cubs conduct themselves with a little class, win or lose?

Jose Guillen (Kansas City Royals right fielder)  No relation to Ozzie, but every bit as irritating, this guy has done nothing but whimper and whine since his arrival here, whether it be about the fans, the coaching staff, the media, the front office, the bat boys, the weather, whatever.  He’s supposed to be our ace slugger, but he only hit .264 with 20 home runs—not exactly scintillating numbers for a power hitter.  His defenders all keep saying what a "great teammate" Guillen is, but seeing’s how he’s worn out his welcome with nine other teams in his career prior to the Royals, I find that hard to believe.

Josef Fritzi (Austrian sicko)  What a sweet Dad this booger was!  Imprisoned his own daughter in his basement and fathered children with her, among other disgusting things.  And yet he claimed that it was the mean old media that portrayed him as some sort of monster.  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

Allstate Insurance  For overcharging me on my homeowner’s and automobile insurance for the last several years.  Thanks to my new alliance with Farmers Insurance Group, I’ll be paying less than half of what Allstate’s been sticking me for on property insurance, even though I’ve never ever filed a claim on my humble abode in the 13 years I’ve lived in it.  My new car insurance deal is about 2/3 of my old premiums too.  That’s my stand, Allstate—what’s yours?

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania)  The economy was going down the toilet, millions of people were losing their jobs, the war in Iraq raged on, et al.  Yet, all Specter had to worry about in September were the allegations that the New England Patriots may have spied on his Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl four years ago, so he pitched a fit about it and tried to enact a government probe into the matter.  It figures that he's a Republican.  Get over it, Senator…

Tony Kornheiser (arrogant condescending ESPN commentator)  This hack is such a hypocrite, as he can dish it out to players and coaches, but goes ballistic if anyone dares to even slightly criticize his work (like ESPN’s mild-mannered Mike Golic once did).  The Great Kornholio will rip on some player or coach left and right—right up until he interviews that player or coach on "Pardon The Interruption" and then he totally kisses their ass.  Kornheiser’s constant hockey-bashing doesn’t endear me to him either, and he adds absolutely nothing to ESPN’s "Monday Night Football" broadcasts.  He makes one almost long for the halcyon days of Dennis Miller or (gulp!) O.J. Simpson calling MNF games.  Hell, one of Howard Cosell’s old toupees would enhance their telecasts more than this guy does.

Milton Bradley (psycho Texas Rangers outfielder)  This clown tried to hunt down benign Royals TV announcer Ryan Lefebvre following a game at Kauffman Stadium after being enraged by comments Lefebvre made in regards to Bradley’s numerous behavioral issues.  Lefebvre astutely noted how Milty would do well to follow the example of how teammate Josh Hamilton resurrected his life and career after years of being a first class fool.  What’s more, the game Bradley was watching on TV was one he was still playing in!  Way to keep focus, pal…

Kathy Griffin (annoying Joan Rivers wanna-be comedian)  Oh, how she irritates me—let me count the ways!  What a waste of perfectly good red hair…

Dick Vitale (omnipresent ESPN college basketball analyst)  Mute buttons don’t stand a chance against this loud-mouthed rube and even throat surgery couldn’t shut him up.  This joker takes over every game broadcast he’s on and makes them all about him.  Put a sock in it, bay-bee!!!

Billy Packer (former CBS college basketball analyst)  Thankfully, 2008 will be Packer’s final Final Four, as CBS finally had the good sense to part ways with this biased pro-ACC/pro-Big East moron.  As a Missouri fan, I was more than pleased to see a Big 12 team—even arch-rival Kansas—show Packer up and win the big show.

Bernard Madoff (Ponzi scheme scumbag)  I don’t even fully understand all the shit this palooka pulled off yet, but any guy who bilks innocent people (and even corporations) out of tons of money should be strung up by his nutsack.  Sit on it, Ponzi!

Super 8 Motels  For neglecting to mention when I made my on-line reservation with them this summer for downtown San Francisco that there was no free off-street parking for that particular location, and that I would have to pay an additional $20 a night for valet service.  The hotel they depicted on the website didn’t match the one I stayed in, either.  As tacky as they might be, at least Motel 6 has never screwed me over like this.

Phill Kline (God-playing overzealous pro-life Johnson County, KS District Attorney)  This horses’ ass oversteps his authority time and time again in his attempts to close down abortion clinics in Kansas, yet he wasn’t opposed to the option of seeking the death penalty in the murder trial of the punk who raped and killed teenager Kelsey Smith.  Even though I live in Missouri, I’m glad that his term is ending soon, but something tells me he won’t go away quietly.

Esther  Another nuisance co-worker who has been a thorn in my side and bane of my existence for well over six years.  We referred to her as "Esther" because of her resemblance to Grandma Walton, and she single-handedly turned ineptitude into an art form in her medical records position, which she thankfully resigned from in June—a belated birthday gift for yours truly!  On top of everything else, Esther is a God-fearing, born-again super Christian, and upon her departure, she had the unmitigated gall to send me (and only me) one of those church pamphlets quoting scripture accompanied with a typewritten personal note telling me that she prays for me and said I needed to find Jesus to straighten my life out.  Sanctimonious sacks of shit like her are a big reason why I'm a non-believer in the first place!  I got the last laugh, though, when I showed the literature Esther sent me—which is considered a form of harrassment in the workplace—to my manager, who placed it in Esther's permanent file, thus meaning she has zero chance of ever being rehired by my employer if she ever tries to return.  I felt like Sgt. Carter finally being rid of Gomer on the day she left our employ!

A boot to the head to one and all who made my 2008 Asshole(s) of The Year review!  Let's hope there won't be so many candidates for the 2009 list...

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008 Asshole(s) of The Year--Part 1

Time for my 2nd-annual review of those who offended yours truly during the past year.  One change I've made this time is eliminating the countdown format, since ranking assholes is rather pointless—sorta like comparing a toilet full of turdsthus I'm merely listing them in no particular order and splitting them up into two posts.  Those of you who are easily offended should exercise reader discretionI take no prisoners!

Jason Whitlock (K.C. Star sports columnist)  The Flatulent One makes the list again this year for numerous reasons, the most glaring one being his claim that he is not political and doesn’t exercise his hard-earned right to vote, therefore he calls himself "a nonvoting, casual observer."  Yet he constantly pisses and moans about all the injustice directed at young black people in this country.  Until you get off your fat ass and vote, Jason, you have no right to bitch about anything.

The Texas polygamists  Slavery, incest, child molestation and sodomy all in the name of religion.  What a country!

Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Barack Obama’s former pastor)  Ah yes, the man who claimed that the U.S. invented AIDS to wipe out black peoplenever mind all those gay white folks who die of it, right, Rev?  I thought men of the cloth were supposed to healers, not race-baiters.  As much as I like Obama, his connection to Wright is a constant reminder to me that he’s not above reproach.  Meantime, damn Wright’s ass to hell…

Billy Mays (annoying TV pitchman)  One thing that will get you nowhere when trying to sell me something is screaming and hollering at me.  Click!

Pat Boone (hack has-been entertainer)  Tried to draw a direct connection between the Mumbai terrorist attacks and California Proposition 8 protesters.  Typical conservative Christian pinhead behaviorblame the gays for everything evil.

John Edwards (former Democratic Presidential candidate)  While on his own campaign trail, this wuss got caught thinking with his dick and cheated on his wife, who is fighting breast cancer.  In the words of Daffy Duck, “You’re despicable!”

Eliot Spitzer (former New York governor)  “Client #9” is another politician who let the little head do the thinking.  What’s baffling about his situation is the prostitute he did the dirty deed with was light years uglier than his trophy wife babe.

Rod Blagojevich, (Illinois governor)  Mr. Jagovevich is like a political Mark Cuban who thinks he’s above the law, and he’s left behind a trail of shit that would stretch from sea to shining sea.

O.J. Simpson (unconvicted double murderer)  Another holdover from last year’s list.  Everyone sing along with me now, “You’re in the jail house now…”

Nancy Grace (objectionable CNN legal commentator)  CNN tries to paint this helmet-haired twit as being passionate about seeking justice, when in fact she’s nothing but a sensationalistic ratings whore.

Oil industry  Sure, gas prices are back to 2003 levels now, but that doesn’t excuse the exorbitant $4.00+ a gallon crap they were sticking it to us with just four months ago.  Cry me a freakin’ river when they go bankrupt.

Anyone on those annoying TV ads  As long as this bogus outfit keeps calling their service “free” when we know damn well it ain’t free, I will continue to rip on them.  That smiling bozo singing like Weird Al Yankovic on these dumbass commercials needs to have his nuts slammed in a car door.  Twice.

Amy Winehouse (overrated tattooed singer)  If this skank had even an ounce of talent, then she might be worth all the fuss she causes.  She’s the Janis Joplin of this generation, and will probably be dead within a year.

Kid Rock (no-talent bozo in a hat)  Apparently has issues with people in Waffle Houses now.  He’s nothing but white-trash noise to me.

Dr. Phil (hack TV psychologist)  I used to admire this man’s work, but Ol’ Doc Boy lost what little credibility he had left with me when he tried to intervene on Britney Spears’ behalf earlier this year, yet claimed that publicity (and inherent ancillary TV ratings) for him was not his motivation.  In Dr. Phil’s own words, “Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…”  How’s that workin’ for ya, Doc?

Brett Favre (New York Jets quarterback)  Up until he announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, I had the utmost respect for this future Hall of Famer, but he has soured his legacy in my eyes with his passive-aggressive Drama Queen act by un-retiring and joining the Jets.  While he exceeded my expectations on the field in New Yawk, I’ve grown real tired of his whiny “woe is me” attitude about how the media treats him.  You shoulda quit while you were ahead, Brett.

Tom Cruise (overpaid Scientology shill)  No particular reason why he made the list, really.  He made it just for being Tom Cruise.

Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson (Cincinnati Bengals wideout/media distraction)  The Bungholes should’ve traded this clown to Ringling Bros. and gotten a couple of bearded ladies in return—they’d have been more productive than Ocho Stinko was this season.  At least when Shannon Sharpe bragged about how great he was, he backed it up.

Jim Cramer (CNBC blowhard financial “expert”)  Speaking of clowns, here’s one who inexplicably escaped from the Ringling Bros. compound.  I’d sooner seek financial advice from Mr. Keebler.

Roger Clemens (steroid hop-head/former Major League pitcher)  Openly whined that Congress was mean to him during his steroid hearings, thus ruining his reputation.  He who liveth by the sword (or needle, in his case), shall be stucketh…

Larry Johnson (Kansas City Chiefs running back)  Spent more time in court than most judges this season and very little of it on the field for the Chefs because of his various off-field FUBARs.  Apparently has difficulty holding his liquor, seeing’s how he either spits it or throws it at various females in nightclubs.  Is now openly campaigning to be traded, and I’ll be delighted when the Chefs take him up on it.

Hank Steinbrenner (New York Yankees president)  “The Boss”’s son took over the family business and is even more infinitely annoying than his old man with all his bitching and whining about all the injustices the poor Bronx Bummers have had thrown at them, like having to play Interleague games and getting one of their pitchers hurt while running the bases.  Same pitcher could’ve just as easily suffered the same injury covering a routine double play at first base in a regular American League game.

Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska/former Vice-Presidential candidate)  My distaste for that wacky maverick Ms. Winky-Dink is well-documented over the past four months on this blog, so no need in re-hashing it.  $150,000 for clothes and make-up?  Yeah, that’s real conservative.  I still have visions of Sarah Palin appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” or co-hosting “The View” in 2009.

Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys wide receiver)  You knew it was just a matter of time before this jagoff reverted back to his old form of being a locker room cancer.  It couldn’t happen to a nicer team, either.

Manny Ramirez (former Boston Red Sox/L.A. Dodgers leftfielder)  Another clubhouse cancer, this whiny dreadlocked bitch simply quit on his team so he could take his toys and go play somewhere else.

Soulless corporate radio station executives everywhere  For letting this once-proud medium de-evolve into a bland one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter landscape.  True, listeners have more options than ever with satellite radio, iPods, Internet, et al, but that’s all the more reason for terrestrial radio stations to strive to be different instead of so staggeringly boring!

John Gibson (Fox News radio yakker)  This is the tick turd who made fun of actor Heath Ledger’s passing in January by constantly mimicking the line “I can’t quit you” from Brokeback Mountain.  No class.

More names to come soon in a future post...

Monday, December 29, 2008

Someday soon we'll stop to ponder...

...more deep thoughts like these that I fished out of the archives that were previously sent to me:

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • For Sale:  Parachute.  Only used once, never opened…small stain
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Corduroy pillows:  They’re making headlines!
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into engines
  • Boycott shampoo!  Demand REAL poo!
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  • If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
  • Support bacteriathey’re the only culture some people have
  • Televangelists:  The Pro Wrestlers of religion
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
  • 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
  • Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
  • Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
  • Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise a hand
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
  • If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
  • I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  • If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • And whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn’t it scary that doctors call what the do "practice"?
  • Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  • What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
  • Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they worried someone will clean them?
  • Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If a mime is arrested to they tell him has the right to talk?
  • Why do they put Braille on drive-thru ATMs?
  • Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?