Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 Asshole(s) of The Year - Part 2

The rest of the worst.  Once again, reader discretion is advised for those who are easily offended...

Sean Avery (NHL agitator)  In hockey, agitators can be a good thing to have on one’s team, but there’s a fine line between being a productive goon and being an obnoxious boor, and this cocky dimwit constantly crosses it.  Avery makes the guys on the Charlestown Chiefs look like model citizens.  Kudos to the Dallas Stars for dropping him like a bad habit following his "sloppy seconds" comments.

Al Davis (managing partner, Oakland Raiders)  The man gets more and more senile as time goes on and his "Commitment to Excellence" mantra is only half-right—the man needs to be committed, that’s for sure.  His handling of head coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal this season was downright bizarre.  Just retire, baby—please!

Niecy Nash (host of Style Channel’s "Clean House")  I swear, every time I tune in this network while channel surfing, there’s this airhead with the fake flower in her wig and enough collagen in her lips to fill up a 747 doing her "you go, girl" shtick with a bunch of idiots who are too stupid to organize their own belongings.  A pox on all of them!

Walmart Black Friday stampeders  I have no respect for over-zealous Neanderthal shoppers who value sweet deals on X-Boxes and such way more more than a man’s life.  Fucking barbarians…

Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame induction committee  These are the people who think John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen (who?!?) and Madonna are HOF material, while Deep Purple, the Moody Blues and Stevie Ray Vaughan are not.  What a sham.  What a shame, too.

Hearne Christopher (former K.C. Star gossip columnist)  See my previous post on why he’s here.  There’s about as much call for being a gossip columnist in Kansas City as there is for being a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model at The Vatican.

Deion Sanders (NFL Network color analyst)  For questioning the manhood of Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson for not toughing it out and playing through a severe foot injury in the playoffs against the Patriots.  This from a guy who dresses like a pimp and couldn’t even tackle Miley Cyrus.

Heather Mills (ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney)  For trying to put Sir Paul in the poor house by staking a claim to most of his fortune during their contentious divorce proceedings.  Uhhh, I don’t remember her writing any of those Beatles songs, do you?  I hope she winds up marrying some schlub like Joey Tribbiani and he throws her wooden leg in the fireplace!

Revs. Al Sharpton/Pat Robertson/Jesse "cut his nuts off" Jackson, et al  I have very little use for religious "leaders" like these.  If that’s your best, your best won’t do.

Fox News Channel  I’ll give them this much—at least they’re consistently slanted to the Right.  I was rather disappointed they didn’t try to claim that Barack Obama "looks French" during the campaign.

Michelle Malkin/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Jonah Goldberg/Geraldo Rivera/Dr. Laura/Sean Hannity/Dennis Miller, et al  I’m taking the easy way out again this year and lumping all these right-wing columnists/pundits/antagonists into one entry because it would take me until the end of next year to denote all their transgressions!  Sqwaukin’ Malkin probably deserves Idiot of The Year honors for trying to get people to believe that vapid daytime hostess Rachel Ray’s scarf in a Dunkin’ Donuts TV ad was some sort of Islamic Jihad symbol.  Coulter, Hannity, Limbaugh and O’Reilly are also in the running for Asshole of the Decade honors.

George W. Bush/Dick Cheney  Also in the hunt for Asshole of The Decade, both earned their place on this list by default.  These two have brought this country’s collective psyche to its knees, and it's going to take years to fully recover from it.  Even if Obama is an abject failure as President (and I don’t think he will be), he’s got to be better than what we’ve been through these last eight years.  Good riddance to both of them!

Sasquatch  This is the code name I use for the foul-smelling former female co-worker that we had to deal with at my job until they finally fired her ass in April.  This woman thought nothing of parking her car all day in designated handicapped spaces (even though there’s nothing wrong with her, apart from her poor vaginal hygiene), was constantly late to work, spent hours on end yapping on her cell phone (during work time) and often had to take time off to deal with her incorrigible out-of-control children and/or go to court for her various vehicular accidents.  From what we’ve heard, Stinky-Poo landed a job elsewhere and is now fouling up someone else’s medical facility.  Better them than us!

Mark Funkhouser/Gloria Squitiro (Mayor of Kansas City and his idiot wife)  Speaking of Funks, this Lurch from "Addams Family" look-alike has been nothing but a joke since taking office two years ago, and his meddling wife with the Yoko Ono complex has been an absolute embarrassment to the city with her racial slurs ("Mammy" being the most infamous) and interference in official city business.  These two recently took their story to ABC and had a pity-party on "Good Morning, America" for the whole nation to see.  It’s gotten to the point now where folks are calling for a recall election to oust this boob.  I’d vote his ass out of office in a heartbeat if I actually lived in K.C. proper.

Ozzie Guillen (Chicago White Sox manager)  This poor sport’s act has gotten really stale over the last couple years after being a media darling for the likes of ESPN, et al.  Can’t seem to get over his raging paranoia about the crosstown Cubbies being infinitely more popular than his South Side squad, in spite of winning the World Series in 2005.  Could it possibly be that the Cubs conduct themselves with a little class, win or lose?

Jose Guillen (Kansas City Royals right fielder)  No relation to Ozzie, but every bit as irritating, this guy has done nothing but whimper and whine since his arrival here, whether it be about the fans, the coaching staff, the media, the front office, the bat boys, the weather, whatever.  He’s supposed to be our ace slugger, but he only hit .264 with 20 home runs—not exactly scintillating numbers for a power hitter.  His defenders all keep saying what a "great teammate" Guillen is, but seeing’s how he’s worn out his welcome with nine other teams in his career prior to the Royals, I find that hard to believe.

Josef Fritzi (Austrian sicko)  What a sweet Dad this booger was!  Imprisoned his own daughter in his basement and fathered children with her, among other disgusting things.  And yet he claimed that it was the mean old media that portrayed him as some sort of monster.  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

Allstate Insurance  For overcharging me on my homeowner’s and automobile insurance for the last several years.  Thanks to my new alliance with Farmers Insurance Group, I’ll be paying less than half of what Allstate’s been sticking me for on property insurance, even though I’ve never ever filed a claim on my humble abode in the 13 years I’ve lived in it.  My new car insurance deal is about 2/3 of my old premiums too.  That’s my stand, Allstate—what’s yours?

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania)  The economy was going down the toilet, millions of people were losing their jobs, the war in Iraq raged on, et al.  Yet, all Specter had to worry about in September were the allegations that the New England Patriots may have spied on his Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl four years ago, so he pitched a fit about it and tried to enact a government probe into the matter.  It figures that he's a Republican.  Get over it, Senator…

Tony Kornheiser (arrogant condescending ESPN commentator)  This hack is such a hypocrite, as he can dish it out to players and coaches, but goes ballistic if anyone dares to even slightly criticize his work (like ESPN’s mild-mannered Mike Golic once did).  The Great Kornholio will rip on some player or coach left and right—right up until he interviews that player or coach on "Pardon The Interruption" and then he totally kisses their ass.  Kornheiser’s constant hockey-bashing doesn’t endear me to him either, and he adds absolutely nothing to ESPN’s "Monday Night Football" broadcasts.  He makes one almost long for the halcyon days of Dennis Miller or (gulp!) O.J. Simpson calling MNF games.  Hell, one of Howard Cosell’s old toupees would enhance their telecasts more than this guy does.

Milton Bradley (psycho Texas Rangers outfielder)  This clown tried to hunt down benign Royals TV announcer Ryan Lefebvre following a game at Kauffman Stadium after being enraged by comments Lefebvre made in regards to Bradley’s numerous behavioral issues.  Lefebvre astutely noted how Milty would do well to follow the example of how teammate Josh Hamilton resurrected his life and career after years of being a first class fool.  What’s more, the game Bradley was watching on TV was one he was still playing in!  Way to keep focus, pal…

Kathy Griffin (annoying Joan Rivers wanna-be comedian)  Oh, how she irritates me—let me count the ways!  What a waste of perfectly good red hair…

Dick Vitale (omnipresent ESPN college basketball analyst)  Mute buttons don’t stand a chance against this loud-mouthed rube and even throat surgery couldn’t shut him up.  This joker takes over every game broadcast he’s on and makes them all about him.  Put a sock in it, bay-bee!!!

Billy Packer (former CBS college basketball analyst)  Thankfully, 2008 will be Packer’s final Final Four, as CBS finally had the good sense to part ways with this biased pro-ACC/pro-Big East moron.  As a Missouri fan, I was more than pleased to see a Big 12 team—even arch-rival Kansas—show Packer up and win the big show.

Bernard Madoff (Ponzi scheme scumbag)  I don’t even fully understand all the shit this palooka pulled off yet, but any guy who bilks innocent people (and even corporations) out of tons of money should be strung up by his nutsack.  Sit on it, Ponzi!

Super 8 Motels  For neglecting to mention when I made my on-line reservation with them this summer for downtown San Francisco that there was no free off-street parking for that particular location, and that I would have to pay an additional $20 a night for valet service.  The hotel they depicted on the website didn’t match the one I stayed in, either.  As tacky as they might be, at least Motel 6 has never screwed me over like this.

Phill Kline (God-playing overzealous pro-life Johnson County, KS District Attorney)  This horses’ ass oversteps his authority time and time again in his attempts to close down abortion clinics in Kansas, yet he wasn’t opposed to the option of seeking the death penalty in the murder trial of the punk who raped and killed teenager Kelsey Smith.  Even though I live in Missouri, I’m glad that his term is ending soon, but something tells me he won’t go away quietly.

Esther  Another nuisance co-worker who has been a thorn in my side and bane of my existence for well over six years.  We referred to her as "Esther" because of her resemblance to Grandma Walton, and she single-handedly turned ineptitude into an art form in her medical records position, which she thankfully resigned from in June—a belated birthday gift for yours truly!  On top of everything else, Esther is a God-fearing, born-again super Christian, and upon her departure, she had the unmitigated gall to send me (and only me) one of those church pamphlets quoting scripture accompanied with a typewritten personal note telling me that she prays for me and said I needed to find Jesus to straighten my life out.  Sanctimonious sacks of shit like her are a big reason why I'm a non-believer in the first place!  I got the last laugh, though, when I showed the literature Esther sent me—which is considered a form of harrassment in the workplace—to my manager, who placed it in Esther's permanent file, thus meaning she has zero chance of ever being rehired by my employer if she ever tries to return.  I felt like Sgt. Carter finally being rid of Gomer on the day she left our employ!

A boot to the head to one and all who made my 2008 Asshole(s) of The Year review!  Let's hope there won't be so many candidates for the 2009 list...


dr sardonicus said...

Happy New Year. There's enough manure in these last two posts to fertilize the state of Texas.

Twenty years ago, I thought Axl Rose would be dead in a year - oh, wait...

Brian Holland said...

Did ya think I was too negative? :-)~