Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2008 Asshole(s) of The Year--Part 1

Time for my 2nd-annual review of those who offended yours truly during the past year.  One change I've made this time is eliminating the countdown format, since ranking assholes is rather pointless—sorta like comparing a toilet full of turdsthus I'm merely listing them in no particular order and splitting them up into two posts.  Those of you who are easily offended should exercise reader discretionI take no prisoners!

Jason Whitlock (K.C. Star sports columnist)  The Flatulent One makes the list again this year for numerous reasons, the most glaring one being his claim that he is not political and doesn’t exercise his hard-earned right to vote, therefore he calls himself "a nonvoting, casual observer."  Yet he constantly pisses and moans about all the injustice directed at young black people in this country.  Until you get off your fat ass and vote, Jason, you have no right to bitch about anything.

The Texas polygamists  Slavery, incest, child molestation and sodomy all in the name of religion.  What a country!

Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Barack Obama’s former pastor)  Ah yes, the man who claimed that the U.S. invented AIDS to wipe out black peoplenever mind all those gay white folks who die of it, right, Rev?  I thought men of the cloth were supposed to healers, not race-baiters.  As much as I like Obama, his connection to Wright is a constant reminder to me that he’s not above reproach.  Meantime, damn Wright’s ass to hell…

Billy Mays (annoying TV pitchman)  One thing that will get you nowhere when trying to sell me something is screaming and hollering at me.  Click!

Pat Boone (hack has-been entertainer)  Tried to draw a direct connection between the Mumbai terrorist attacks and California Proposition 8 protesters.  Typical conservative Christian pinhead behaviorblame the gays for everything evil.

John Edwards (former Democratic Presidential candidate)  While on his own campaign trail, this wuss got caught thinking with his dick and cheated on his wife, who is fighting breast cancer.  In the words of Daffy Duck, “You’re despicable!”

Eliot Spitzer (former New York governor)  “Client #9” is another politician who let the little head do the thinking.  What’s baffling about his situation is the prostitute he did the dirty deed with was light years uglier than his trophy wife babe.

Rod Blagojevich, (Illinois governor)  Mr. Jagovevich is like a political Mark Cuban who thinks he’s above the law, and he’s left behind a trail of shit that would stretch from sea to shining sea.

O.J. Simpson (unconvicted double murderer)  Another holdover from last year’s list.  Everyone sing along with me now, “You’re in the jail house now…”

Nancy Grace (objectionable CNN legal commentator)  CNN tries to paint this helmet-haired twit as being passionate about seeking justice, when in fact she’s nothing but a sensationalistic ratings whore.

Oil industry  Sure, gas prices are back to 2003 levels now, but that doesn’t excuse the exorbitant $4.00+ a gallon crap they were sticking it to us with just four months ago.  Cry me a freakin’ river when they go bankrupt.

Anyone on those annoying FreeCreditReport.com TV ads  As long as this bogus outfit keeps calling their service “free” when we know damn well it ain’t free, I will continue to rip on them.  That smiling bozo singing like Weird Al Yankovic on these dumbass commercials needs to have his nuts slammed in a car door.  Twice.

Amy Winehouse (overrated tattooed singer)  If this skank had even an ounce of talent, then she might be worth all the fuss she causes.  She’s the Janis Joplin of this generation, and will probably be dead within a year.

Kid Rock (no-talent bozo in a hat)  Apparently has issues with people in Waffle Houses now.  He’s nothing but white-trash noise to me.

Dr. Phil (hack TV psychologist)  I used to admire this man’s work, but Ol’ Doc Boy lost what little credibility he had left with me when he tried to intervene on Britney Spears’ behalf earlier this year, yet claimed that publicity (and inherent ancillary TV ratings) for him was not his motivation.  In Dr. Phil’s own words, “Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…”  How’s that workin’ for ya, Doc?

Brett Favre (New York Jets quarterback)  Up until he announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, I had the utmost respect for this future Hall of Famer, but he has soured his legacy in my eyes with his passive-aggressive Drama Queen act by un-retiring and joining the Jets.  While he exceeded my expectations on the field in New Yawk, I’ve grown real tired of his whiny “woe is me” attitude about how the media treats him.  You shoulda quit while you were ahead, Brett.

Tom Cruise (overpaid Scientology shill)  No particular reason why he made the list, really.  He made it just for being Tom Cruise.

Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson (Cincinnati Bengals wideout/media distraction)  The Bungholes should’ve traded this clown to Ringling Bros. and gotten a couple of bearded ladies in return—they’d have been more productive than Ocho Stinko was this season.  At least when Shannon Sharpe bragged about how great he was, he backed it up.

Jim Cramer (CNBC blowhard financial “expert”)  Speaking of clowns, here’s one who inexplicably escaped from the Ringling Bros. compound.  I’d sooner seek financial advice from Mr. Keebler.

Roger Clemens (steroid hop-head/former Major League pitcher)  Openly whined that Congress was mean to him during his steroid hearings, thus ruining his reputation.  He who liveth by the sword (or needle, in his case), shall be stucketh…

Larry Johnson (Kansas City Chiefs running back)  Spent more time in court than most judges this season and very little of it on the field for the Chefs because of his various off-field FUBARs.  Apparently has difficulty holding his liquor, seeing’s how he either spits it or throws it at various females in nightclubs.  Is now openly campaigning to be traded, and I’ll be delighted when the Chefs take him up on it.

Hank Steinbrenner (New York Yankees president)  “The Boss”’s son took over the family business and is even more infinitely annoying than his old man with all his bitching and whining about all the injustices the poor Bronx Bummers have had thrown at them, like having to play Interleague games and getting one of their pitchers hurt while running the bases.  Same pitcher could’ve just as easily suffered the same injury covering a routine double play at first base in a regular American League game.

Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska/former Vice-Presidential candidate)  My distaste for that wacky maverick Ms. Winky-Dink is well-documented over the past four months on this blog, so no need in re-hashing it.  $150,000 for clothes and make-up?  Yeah, that’s real conservative.  I still have visions of Sarah Palin appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” or co-hosting “The View” in 2009.

Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys wide receiver)  You knew it was just a matter of time before this jagoff reverted back to his old form of being a locker room cancer.  It couldn’t happen to a nicer team, either.

Manny Ramirez (former Boston Red Sox/L.A. Dodgers leftfielder)  Another clubhouse cancer, this whiny dreadlocked bitch simply quit on his team so he could take his toys and go play somewhere else.

Soulless corporate radio station executives everywhere  For letting this once-proud medium de-evolve into a bland one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter landscape.  True, listeners have more options than ever with satellite radio, iPods, Internet, et al, but that’s all the more reason for terrestrial radio stations to strive to be different instead of so staggeringly boring!

John Gibson (Fox News radio yakker)  This is the tick turd who made fun of actor Heath Ledger’s passing in January by constantly mimicking the line “I can’t quit you” from Brokeback Mountain.  No class.

More names to come soon in a future post...

No comments: