'Tis The Season...

AUGUST IS OVAH!
And not a minute too soon, folks!  That can only mean one thing—finally some football games to watch on TV that actually count.  Granted, I've been a devotee of the National Football League since the Nixon Administration, but there are few things on this earth that are more pointless than NFL preseason games—they're every bit as worthless as a Zamboni on Guam—so after a month of this on-going banality, it's great to at least see the colleges hit the ground running this weekend on the ol' gridiron.  There's already been a fair amount of excitement too, as some school called Appalachian State (who?) went in to "The Big House" in Ann Arbor and upset the mighty Michigan Wolverines today 34-32—the college football equivalent of a triple-A minor league baseball team beating the St. Louis Cardinals at Busch Stadium.  My Mizzou Tigers won a rather wacky game 40-34 over Illinoise at the Ram Dome in St. Louie, and there was a feel-good scene in Blacksburg, VA today as Va. Tech hosted its first football game since the tragedy there in April—the Hokies won 17-7.  Rather cool to see smiling faces on that campus again...

And this day achieved A.G.D. status in my book (Automatic Good Day), as the Notre Dame Fighting Irish lost to the Wramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech.  For the unitiated out there, I happen to despise Notre Dame's football team more that anything else on this earth, with the possible exception of TV evangelists, diarrhea, Bill O'Reilly (same thing), TicketMaster, Fox News Channel, liver, canker sores, Geraldo Rivera, "reality" TV shows, the Dubya Administration and John Mellencamp, thus it's an Automatic Good Day in my life when Notre Dame loses.  I could be maimed in a car accident and lose a limb or two, but if the Irish loses that day, it's still a good one!  There are precious few things my old man and I see eye-to-eye on, but this is one of them—we both hate Notre Dame with a passion! Today was especially sweet because not only did Notre Dame lose, they got their asses whooped—in their own house, no less!  Happy Happy Joy Joy...

The pros get it cranked up for real next weekend, and I will post my annual fearless NFL prognostications before Thursday night's opener.  I have all the accuracy of your average TV meteorologist, but one of these days I'll get it right...

THE "BIG DIG" IS UNDERWAY...
I got started last night on the excavation of my front yard for to fix my collapsed sewer drain.  I lasted about an hour before running out of gas, and resumed work early this morning while it was still cool out, and I'm about a third of the way done so far.  The dirt's not so bad, but those damn tree roots are a bitch to work through!  I was planning to resume work again this evening, but my sinuses are freaking thanks to that annual Labor Day weekend ritual known as Ragweed Season, so I've suspended operations for the time-being...

DAMN NEAR PERFECT
I watched an outstanding performance last night by Minnesota Twins pitcher Scott Baker, as he took a perfect game into the 9th inning against the Royals, only to walk the leadoff hitter, then lose his no-hitter to the next batter.  I love a good no-no (even if it's by the opposing pitcher), so I was just as disappointed as young master Baker was when he lost it.  The closest I ever came to seeing Major League no-hitter in person was circa. 1985-86 when the Royals' Danny Jackson took a no-hitter into the 9th before losing it.  Talk about nerve-wracking...

What drives me nuts is when the play-by-play announcers during no-hitters actually mention that the pitcher has a no-hitter going.  I have two major superstitions in life, one being that I will only wear odd-numbered sports jerseys, and the other being not to point out there's a no-hitter in progress!  Instead of saying "So-and-so's got a no-hitter going...", I prefer to do like Billy Paul in "Me And Mrs. Jones" and say "He's got a thing going on..."  In fact, the Boston Red Sox' pitcher's "got a thing going on" even as I type this...

POETIC JUSTICE
Regular readers here might recall me mentioning my rather unsavory 30-year-old female co-worker/human train wreck with poor feminine hygiene habits who has three out-of-control kids (by three different fathers, none of whom she's ever married), the oldest of whom is 14 (do the math) who spends an inordinate amount of time yapping on her cell phone who was trying to mooch off the government by seeking to obtain Section 8 federal housing after her recent soap opera-esque break-up with her boyfriend?  Surely, you remember her!  Well, now that she's been with our company for over a year, she's learned how to milk/abuse the system quite well, as she's chronically late to work and even though she's used up all her sick time, she still frequently calls in sick anyway, saying she "has things to do."

As you might imagine, the collective gruntlement of the rest of the staff (including me) ain't doing too well these days, as management continues to turn a blind eye to all this.  I personally took it upon myself Thursday to exact a little vigilante justice on her.  In addition to all her other transgressions, she has the unmitigated gall to regularly park her car in one of our designated handicapped parking spaces.  Oh sure, she has a handicapped parking tag hanging from her mirror (that I'm sure doesn't belong to her), but there ain't a damn thing wrong with her physically (apart from vaginal odors), and one of my biggest pet peeves in this world is able-bodied people who park in handicapped spots.  As luck would have it, she arrived for work Thursday (on time, for once) at the same time I did, and left her lights on.  I noticed this as I walked by, but do you think I bothered to inform her of it?  Fuck, no!  I'm normally not that mean, but in this case, I believe the term "what goes around, comes around" more than applies.  When she had her car jump-started at the end of the day, I laughed...hard.

The World Accordion To Weird Al

Time to salute one of my favorite music people ever, one young Alfred Matthew Yankovic, the greatest song parody-er on earth in this hemisphere.  Some people tend to blow him off as just a novelty act, but this guy is a freakin’ genius in my book, and if you need a good laugh or two, just throw on one of his CDs—or better still, his video collection on DVD—and you’ll find it quite difficult to remain in a pissy mood for long.

Al first came to fame via the legendary “Dr. Demento” radio show with “My Bologna”, his parody of The Knack’s “My Sharona”, which featured just Al on the accordion and drummer John "Bermuda" Schwartz banging out the beat on an empty suitcase.  They later even snagged an appearance with the late Tom Snyder on his “Tomorrow Show”, and before long, Al’s parodies were popping up on “Dr. Demento” with alarming regularity, like “Another One Rides The Bus”, “Eat It”, et al.  Al’s first album, produced by Rocker Rick Derringer, came out in 1983, and it featured not only parodies, but original material as well that was quite funny.  And on his 1984 release In 3D, Al introduced a regular feature on each album—a medley of cover songs done Polka-style, the first being “Polkas On 45”, which is a veritable classic comprised of Classic Rock tunes like “Smoke On The Water”, “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” and “My Generation”, et al.

As time wore on, it became a true sign of success if Weird Al did a parody of your song, and most artists have been pretty good sports about being lampooned by Al, apart from that pretentious pussy Prince, who won’t allow Al to touch his precious songs.  I called Weird Al a “genius” in my opening paragraph because it’s harder than it looks to do what he does and be so brilliant.  Hell, anyone can make fun of a line or two in any given song.  During my burger-flipping days in the early ’80s, my co-workers and I laid waste to many a line from popular ‘80s songs—Foreigner‘s “Juke Box Hero” became “She’s a big...fat...zero”, Loverboy’s “Workin’ For The Weekend” became “Everybody’s jerkin’ off this weekend…”, Frida’s “I Know There’s Something Going On” morphed into “There’s something on my dong…”—sophomoric stuff like that.  Even Weird Al himself didn’t escape our efforts—we changed the “Ricky” lyric from “I want you too Lucy, too Lucy—let’s babaloo, Lucy” to “I want to screw Lucy, screw Lucy…”  A parody of a parody—what a concept!

That's nothing, however, compared with W.A. Yankovic's body of work.  To take an existing song and change its lyrics into something totally different, remaining within the parameters of the tune's arrangement, all the while maintaining a cohesive theme throughout is no mean feat, and Weird Al is the absolute master of this.  Prime examples are “Yoda” (borrowed from The Kinks’ “Lola”), Michael Jackson’s “Bad”, which became “Fat” and “Lump” by the Presidents of The United States of America, which became “Gump” (as in Forrest).  A few of his parodies did fall flat, like “Lasagna” (for “La Bamba”) and "Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch" ("Fun"), but for every clunker, there are numerous other gems like “Living With A Hernia” ("Living In America") and “I Want A New Duck” ("I Want A New Drug").  It just blows my mind how Al is able to consistently put these parodies together and make them work.  And as good as the parodies are, Al’s videos for them are often even funnier.  Check out “Gump” or “Bedrock Anthem” or “Amish Paradise”—I fucking dare you not to laugh!

I caught Weird Al live in concert with some friends a few years back, and his show is a total hoot.  He was just in town last night, in fact, but I didn’t have the cash (or anyone else) to attend the show with, but I’m sure it was good stuff.  He’s had the good fortune to work with an outstanding back-up band—guitarist Jim West, the aforementioned drummer John Schwartz and bassist Steve Jay—and these guys can literally play any style of music, from Hard Rock to Hip-Hop to Techno-Pop, and play it well.  In addition to the live music, Al augments his concerts with these hilarious video clips, many of which are those old instructional films from the 1950s “duck and cover” genre, and they are hysterical!  Sadly, due to licensing restrictions, Al isn’t able to include those in his concert video releases, but he also throws in his own little segments that are quite funny too.. While those clips play during the concert, the band retreats backstage to change into a different set of outfits that replicate Al’s music videos, like the Devo suits for “Dare To Be Stupid” or the Star Wars regalia for “The Saga Begins” or the flannels for “Smells Like Nirvana”, which was a high-point of the show I attended—anything that pokes fun at Kurt Cobain is okey-dokey in my book!

My All-Time Weird Al Yankovic Top 20:
20) “This Song’s Just Six Words Long” (1988)  Good-natured parody of George Harrison’s “I Got My Mind Set On You” (which George didn’t write).  “Couldn’t think of any lyrics/No, I didn’t write no lyrics/So, I’ll just sing any ol’ lyrics…”
19) “Headline News” (1994)  Parody of “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by the Crash Test Dummies (whoever they are/were).  The video for this one skewers the whole Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan thing, as well as the Lorena Babbitt “thing”, and some serious caning issues too.
18) “Buckingham Blues” (1983)  One of Al’s first originals, all about Prince Charles and Princess Diana.  It was a helluva lot funnier before she died, though—ten years ago this week, as we’re about to be reminded on TV.  Love the line about how they never had to have “a meal made by Chef Boy-Ar-Dee!”
17) “Hot Rocks Polka” (1989)  One of Al’s many polka compilations, this one takes on Mick and Keith and the boys quite succinctly.
16) “The Brady Bunch” (1984)  Dandy parody of Men Without Hats’ “Safety Dance” that begs one not to tune in to that vapid show about that man named Brady…
15) “Mr. Popeil” (1984)  Dead-on rip-off of The B-52’s (musically) that just makes you want to dial that toll-free number and order that damned Garden Weasel!
14) “Yoda” (1985)  There hadn’t been a Star Wars flick release for a couple years, but it didn’t seem to matter when Al dusted off The Kinks‘ classic "Lola" and re-tooled it to suit Dagobah's favorite 900-year-old, three-foot-nothing, sentence structure butchering citizen to a fucking tee!  A classic, it is...
13) “I Want A New Duck” (1985)  Huey Lewis never sounded better!  Al took this tune and showed the world how to “get down” (get it?).
12) “Another One Rides The Bus” (1981)  Queen classic re-tooled to even include the politically-incorrect line, “I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see The Who…”
11) “Smells Like Nirvana” (1992)  Everything from the album cover to the video here just slays that little ol’ band from Seattle (rhymes with “cattle”).  Kurt Cobain was the so-called “spokesman for a generation”, but he didn’t have a damn thing to say, and I love how Weird Al cut him down to size here.
10) “Amish Paradise” (1994)  Parody of Coolio‘s “Gangsta’s Paradise”, which was (in its own warped way) a parody of Stevie Wonder’s 1976 tune “Pastime Paradise”, during which we “party like it‘s 1699.”  The video of “Amish” features a cameo appearance by Florence Henderson of “The Brady Bunch”, and as Al implores, “don’t be vain, and don’t be whiney—or I might have to get medieval on your hiney!”
9) “Living With A Hernia” (1986)  Video for which Al does James Brown even better than James Brown ever did!  It also includes a valuable anatomy lesson on the various types of hernias one can suffer.
8) “Eat It” (1984)  Rather ironic how Al recites all these rich foods one should eat when he’s a real-life Vegan.  This was Mr. Yankovic’s 2nd-best Michael Jackson parody….
7) “Fat” (1988)  A here’s his numero uno Jacko parody!  One must view the video for this to really get the “full Monty” of Al’s lampoonery.
6) “Bedrock Anthem” (1993)  “Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-DOO-now!”  F. Flintstone woulda loved this...
5) “I Lost On Jeopardy!” (1984)  Art Fleming, Don Pardo, Dr. Demento and Greg Kihn all participated in this classic video that parodied a classic game show and a pretty decent G. Kihn song to boot.
4) “Christmas At Ground Zero” (1986)  Quite possibly the funniest yuletide song ever.  I love the line “the radio just let us know that this is NOT a test…”
3) “Gump” (1994)  Not unlike with “Smells Like Nirvana”, Al takes a piece o' crap Alternative Rock song and makes it sound good!  The video for this one is just priceless (even though Tom Hanks didn’t participate in it).  Still, Gump's a household name...
2) “Polkas on 45” (1984)  Oh, mercy—Devo, Deep Purple, The Who and Jimi Hendrix all on the accordion in one classic song?  Only in America, folks…
1) “Dare To Be Stupid” (1985)  "Put down that chainsaw and listen to me..." kicks off this totally reverent tribute to Devo.  This is Weird Al’s finest original tune, featuring the classic line “You gotta squeeze all the Charmin you can, while Mr. Whipple’s not around.” Words I desperately try to live by…

The Heat Wave Is Ovah!

THANK YOU, MOTHER NATURE!
Finally, some tolerable weather in K.C. to enjoy!  A lovely cold front came through here last night and dropped the temp. and humidity to more humane levels after we’ve spent almost exactly one month in the mid-‘90s or higher virtually every day.  They’re even predicting lows later this week around 60.  In the words of Airman Adrian Cronauer, "Me without my muff!"

MEET THE NEW BLOG…
In my recent surfing travels, I came across the blog of one Dr. Sardonicus, and found it quite entertaining.  He and I seem to be kindred spirits musically, so I added him to my required reading list.  Hell, anyone who advocates listening to Motorhead can’t be all bad…

NICE TRY
To the palooka who attempted to con me into posting his for-profit website url under the guise of a "comment" on my blog—I ain’t fallin’ for it, buddy!  For this very reason, I highly recommend that those of you with blogs of your own moderate all incoming comments.  I’m pretty benevolent about accepting whatever comments come to me, whether I agree with them or not, and this is the first one I’ve actually rejected in nine months of blogging.  As Maj. Frank Burns once said, "Go peddle your petunias!"

THANKS FOR THE WARNING…My K.C. friends who read the paper regularly will understand where I’m coming from here.  This douche’s "gossip" columns are the epitome of vapidity.  One of these fine days, I’m going to do a complete blog entry on this grown man who uses such sophomoric phrases as "schmooze", "weather wonk", "beggar extraordinaire", "kiddie bopper" and "homeless dude" in his daily columns.





A ROYAL SCAM
Regular K.C. Star readers who are as tired as I am of seeing Hearne’s ugly mug all the time are also likely just as weary of seeing this ugly little fucker in the paper every day.  This "charity" sounds like a regal ripoff to me to begin with, but can’t they at least feature a slightly less hideous child in their ad? Screw the cancer thing—get this poor urchin an orthodontist already!  As Foghat sang in "Boogie Motel", this kid "has a smile like a beat-up piano."

FUNNY MAN RAY
I caught a portion of one of NBC’s numerous "Saturday Night Live" retrospective shows last night, during which they aired a clip of the late Ray Charles performing Johnny Nash’s "I Can See Clearly Now."  A good 30-40 seconds elapsed before I finally caught the irony there! I’m getting a little slow in my old age…

PUT THE MOUSE BACK IN THE HOUSE, BUDDY!
Seems this Senator Larry Craig from Idaho got busted for offering his Mr. Happy to an undercover cop in an airport toilet.  The guy now sounds like Mr. Garrison on "South Park" with all his "I’m not gay!" denials.  Apparently, he didn’t learn a thing from singer George Michael’s similar scandal a few years back.  That's right, Mr. Garrison!

BACK UP THOSE THREATS, ALREADY!
Once again, we’re being barraged by these law enforcement commercials about drunk driving, telling us that if we’re caught doing so, we’re going to jail.  I don’t disagree with their cause, but instead of lecturing us with these silly TV and radio spots, how about making an example of these celebrity twits like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, Nicole Richie, et al, who keep getting busted for this?  Their message (the authorities', that is) would carry a helluva lot more weight if they could make a few of these convictions actually stick and force these spoiled celebrities and athletes to do real time in the pokey instead of letting them skate on it all the time.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #48
"Mother And Child Reunion"—PAUL SIMON (1972)  "The mother and child reunion is only a moment away."  I mistook "moment" for "motion".  Some 35 years later, I still don’t understand what this song is about, but I like it anyway.

SAVING SOMETHING FOR A RAINY DAY…
Speaking of classic Top 40 hits, I was listening to an all-time favorite of mine on the radio today, "Tears Of A Clown" by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles.  A lot of people don’t know that this song was actually recorded in 1967, but in what may well be the ultimate act of self-restraint in music history, Motown didn’t release the record until over three years later, and it eventually hit #1 around Christmastime, 1970.  If I ever meet Smokey, or even Motown founder Berry Gordy, Jr., I’d love to ask how on earth they could sit on a song that incredible for so long without putting it out?  As good as "Tears" was, it would surely have hit #1 just as easily in ’67 as it did in late, '70.

Join Together at the Who-tenanny!

I mention them often on this blog, but haven’t yet fully paid tribute to that nice little group from Shepherd’s Bush—The Who.  Although Kiss is my favorite Rock band of all-time, I consider The Who to be the greatest band of all-time.  Their music is so much more intense than most bands, to the point where you rarely hear cover versions of Who songs because their originals are so damn good!  Pete Townshend’s lyrics often have great personal meaning to me as well, and there is no denying the outstanding musicianship this band displayed.

I’ll spare you the history and minutiae of the band—it’s pretty self-evident anyway—and focus on why I love them so much.  You can actually thank Sir Elton John for making me a Who fan.  Growing up, I was unimpressed with The Who as my older sister nearly wore out her LP copy of the London Symphony Orchestra version of Tommy (on which The Who participated), and all that “Tommy, can you hear me?” stuff drove me bonkers!  BUT, when the Tommy movie came out in 1974, The Who were suddenly relevant to me merely because Sir Elton played the Pinball Wizard in the film.  Time has shown what a weird flick Tommy was, but to a 10-year-old like me, it was a real eye-opener.  Elton was splendid, of course (and I still prefer his rendition of “Pinball Wizard” over The Who’s to this day), but I was also drawn to Roger Daltrey in the lead role—is there not a better front man in Rock history?  I was also initially drawn to that crazy drummer, whom someone once accurately described as “a cross between Buddy Rich and Animal from the ‘Muppet Show’”.  Those other two guys didn’t really register with me at the time, but as the Wicked Witch of the West once said, “All in good time…”

“Squeeze Box” endeared me to The Who a little more in ‘75, and when “Who Are You?” came out just as school started in ‘78, I loved it.  Then came the news that Keith Moon had died of an accidental overdose, and I was very bummed by his passing.  This persuaded me to purchase my first Who LP in October, Who Are You, and that’s when I began to notice that funny-looking guitar player with the big nose who wrote most of their songs.  I took notice of him even more about a year later when my sister took me to see the outstanding biographical film The Kids Are Alright, especially the way he flailed his right arm around like a windmill while he played on stage and smashed up guitars and such—pretty boffo stuff.  The film also introduced me to this little song called “My Generation” that’s really cool, and another little song called “Baba O’Riley” (better known as “Teenage Wasteland” to some folks), as well as some little ditty about meeting some new boss who's just like the old one…

Kids was also my indoctrination on my all-time favorite member of The Who, one John Alec Entwistle.  I was instantly intrigued by this mysterious-looking dude with the spider webs on his bass who pretty much stood still the whole time in concert, yet looked so freakin’ cool playing the damn thing, all the same.  “The Ox” was impressive to watch as his fingers seemed to move as if totally separate from the rest of his body.  John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin—another outstanding bassist, to be sure—used to stand perfectly still in concert too, but he looked like a bland librarian compared with the mighty “Thunderfingers”.

“Big Johnnie Twinkle” intrigued me even more when I first heard his Who classic “My Wife” on the Kids soundtrack album, and I discovered the man’s wry sense of humor.  Entwistle excelled at providing a little comic relief to offset Pete Townshend’s more serious lyrics on Who albums—John wrote “Cousin Kevin” and “Fiddle About” for Tommy, “Success Story” (not to mention drawing the brilliant cover) for The Who By Numbers and three of his songs made the cut on Who Are You (“905”, “Had Enough” and “Trick Of The Light”).  On the albums the band made after Moon’s death, it was Entwistle’s tunes that were the strongest, like “The Quiet One” and “You” from Face Dances in 1981 and “Dangerous”, “It’s Your Turn” and “One At A Time” from It’s Hard in ’82.  And oh yeah, The Ox was also the horniest member of The Who, as he provided virtually all of the brass heard on Who albums.

And then there were JE’s solo albums, the first two of which (Smash Your Head Against The Wall from 1971 and 1972's Whistle Rymes) were quite good, and brought his “black humor” to the fore in tunes like “The Window Shopper” (all about a peeping Tom), “Pick Me Up (Big Chicken)” (all about a night at the pub having a few too many) and “I Wonder” (all about what life would be like if sharks could fly and if the moon went out, etc.).  The man was funny, no doubt about it.

And Holy Shit, Batman—what a fucking great musician this man was!  I would’ve paid damn good money to just watch him play bass all night.  I had the good fortune of catching JE on his 1998 solo tour in Olathe, KS on the night of his 54th birthday (when the clock struck Midnight anyway), and after the show, I stood in line and had him autograph my Who By Numbers CD insert.  To this date, John Entwistle is the only member of The Who that I’ve ever met, thus making him the greatest brush with greatness I’ve ever experienced, with the possible exception of swipe-tagging Ace Frehley of Kiss on his left arm following his solo show at The Lone Star in Westport in 1994.

It was a dark day for me on June 27, 2002 as I checked my e-mail and heard from my two closest friends in the world, Tom and Stacy—the latter of whom was kind enough to ask if I was okay upon learning of John‘s passing, knowing how much I idolized the guy.  It sucked even more to find out later that John went to his final reward thanks to a cocaine habit that exacerbated his pre-existing heart condition.  Very disappointing for a man who I always considered to be extremely intelligent, especially while staring at the concert ticket I’d already purchased for The Who’s show in Indianapolis in August that I was really looking forward to seeing him at…

And let’s not forget that “Nose on a Stick” as R. Daltrey affectionately refers to him.  Peter Dennis Blandford Townshend is quite possibly the most brilliant Rock ‘N’ Roll songwriter of all-time.  PT is one of the few people who’s been able to accurately tap into my anger and rage at life’s bullshit and unfairness. Quadrophenia alone is a towering manifesto about awkward teenage rage and angst.  I could go on and on about that, but I’ll save it for another time.

What I wouldn’t give to have seen The Who in concert in their prime during the ’70s with Keith Moon.  I first saw them live at Kemper Arena in 1980 with the good-but-not-great Kenney Jones on the drums, and was quite impressed.  The 1989 show at Arrowhead Stadium with the very capable Simon Phillips on drums was good also, in spite of the touring band being way too big.  The 1997 Quadrophenia show at Riverport in the burbs of St. Louis was so-so, despite young Zac Starkey "Starr"-ing on the drums, but my favorite was the August, 2000 Who show I caught at Reunion Arena in Dallas.  On that night, I saw Pete Townshend play with a passion I hadn’t seen before live in person (even at his advanced age) and I saw John Entwistle nearly bring the house down with his bass solo during “5:15”.  For you folks in Dallas, I was the fool in the back row of the upper deck in front of the hockey press box windmilling along with “Baba O’Riley” (and nearly breaking my left hand in the process by banging it on the wall) while the rest of you wine-and-cheese-party denizens sat on your hands all night, but I digress...

That 2002 show I reluctantly attended in Indy was also decent, with Pino Palladino replacing Entwistle on bass, but not even coming close to replicating his sound, and the show felt terribly empty to me minus “The Ox”.  Sadly since then, The Who (or as I prefer to call them “Who’s Left”) seems more like a lounge act to me, as Pete and Roger try to carry on as a duo with sidemen, and their 2006 release Endless Wire absolutely did not honk my hooter at all—even the dreadful Face Dances blows it away.  Even so, I never ever tire of hearing the music of this band...

My all-time Top 30 Who songs on earth in this hemisphere:
30) “Whiskey Man” (1966)  One of John Entwistle’s first recorded compositions which also features his underrated prowess on the French horn.
29) “I Can’t Explain” (1965)  Perennial concert opener and first true hit single for the band.  Some dude named Jimmy Page plays second guitar on the original…
28) “Success Story” (1975)  The “happy song” from Who By Numbers as Entwistle once called it (although “Squeeze Box” is fairly chipper as well).  Gotta love the line, “Back in the studio to make our latest #1/Take 276—you know this used to be fun…”
27) “Behind Blue Eyes” (1971)  A little drama from Pete, and since I have blue eyes and a fair amount of pent-up anger to boot, this song more than applies to my life.
26) “Substitute” (1966)  Another Who concert staple.  Nearly every time I do my laundry, I try to recite the line “At least I’ll get my washing done…”
25) “You” (1981)  Killer bass figure from The Ox on this one.  One of the two best songs from the disappointing Face Dances fiasco.
24) “Overture” (1969)  I swear, every time I hear this opener from Tommy and the horns kick in during the intro, the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up!
23) “I Don’t Even Know Myself” (1970)  Rather obscure Who tune that was originally intended for what eventually became Who’s Next.  When I find myself in a pinch, I try to think of the line “The doors aren't shut as tight as they might seem…” and sometimes it actually works!
22) “Eminence Front” (1982)  This one was even a hit on R&B stations back in the day.  Great riff from Townshend and great bass from Big Johnnie Twinkle, which kinda goes without saying.
21) “Cry If You Want” (1982)  Even better song from It’s Hard than #22—I love songs with rapid-fire lyrics, especially songs that vent frustration like this one does.
20) [tie] “Our Love Was, Is”/"I Can’t Reach You” (1967)  Nearly identical twin tracks from the brilliant The Who Sell Out album that reflect Pete Townshend’s softer side and Pop tendencies.  Why neither of these weren’t hit singles during the so-called “Summer of Love” mystifies me.
19) “Join Together” (1972)  Underrated classic that taps into a bit of a communal Utopian attitude—a rarity for a Who record—that would‘ve fit in great at Woodstock.  Love the line “Do you really think I care, what you read or what you wear?”
18) “Had Enough” (1978)  Great JE track from Who Are You that I intentionally played during the waning moments of 1999, just in case the closing line “Here comes the end of the world…” came true with all the Y2K hoop-de-doo.  Not to be confused with PT's “I’ve Had Enough" from Quadrophenia [Also see #4].
17) “Song Is Over” (1971)  Another underrated tune from Who’s Next that features some beautiful piano and one of Roger Daltrey's dandiest vocal performances ever.
16) “New Song” (1978)  Stinging lead-off track from Who Are You.  Would like to think this was the direction the band would’ve taken if Keith Moon hadn’t died…
15) “Bell Boy” (1973)  Speaking of “Moon the Loon”, this was clearly his finest vocal performance ever.  I re-titled the song “Bus Boy” during my early working days at Waid’s Restaurant in the early ’80s since I was “Always running at someone’s bleedin’ heel…”
14) “A Legal Matter” (1965)  Early Who song that displayed Townshend’s sense of humor quite well.  “Just wanna keep on doing all the diddlin’ things I do/Not work in an office all day just to bring my money back to you—sorry, Baby!”
13) “Trick Of The Light” (1978)  Entwistle classic all about a poor sap who visits a lady of the evening to see if he’s still got it.  After a long personal dry spell of my own, I actually had the unmitigated gall to quote The Ox in bed (with someone very special whom I didn't have to pay for) after doing the dirty deed and stole his line, “So, was I alright?”  The answer was in the affirmative, thankfully.
12) “5:15” (1973)  Another highlight of the Quadrophenia album, and even bigger high point of The Who’s live act with Entwistle’s three-and-a-half-minute solo that could blow the balls off elks, stoats, goats, manatees, whatever—basically any critters that have balls...
11) “The Quiet One” (1981)  Hardest-rocking song off the wimpy Face Dances album, and the line “I ain’t quiet--everybody else is too loud,” could’ve easily been written about me.10) “I Can See For Miles” (1967)  The Who’s biggest hit single in America, and a damn good one.  Power chord heaven, too…
9) “My Wife” (1971)  John Entwistle’s signature song with The Who, and a damn funny one.  Yet another perennial concert staple, too.
8) “How Many Friends” (1975)  Very introspective tune from Townshend, and one that I relate to profusely.  “How many friends have I really got?/You can count ‘em on one hand…”
7) “See Me, Feel Me” (1969)  Tommy closer that’s about the closest thing I ever get to actually reciting a prayer.
6) “Baba O’Riley” (1971)  Power chord heaven, revisited.  The live version from The Kids Are Alright is absolutely killer stuff.
5) “Who Are You” (1978)  Better known to some folks as the “CSI” theme, this is the song that forever cemented my devotion to this band.  I think it might’ve had something to do with the repeated use of the word “fuck” during the song when I was 14…
4) “I’ve Had Enough” (1973)  “You were under the impression/That when you were walking forward/That you’d end up further onward/But things ain’t quite that simple!”  That line has always resonated with me, and this is one of my favorite “angry” songs of all-time.
3) “Shakin’ All Over” (1970)  Incredible live rendition of the Johnny Kidd & The Pirates classic that just rips the original to shreds.  Townshend was just on fire the night they recorded Live At Leeds on Valentine’s Day, 1970.
2) “My Generation” (1965)  Does this song not just want to make you raise your middle finger to anyone or anything who crosses you?  I know it has that affect on me.  It also features the world’s first Rock ‘N’ Roll bass solo.
1) “Won’t Get Fooled Again” (1971)  Listen to the live version off The Kids Are Alright soundtrack when Daltrey screams at the end.  It's guaranteed to curl your hair—even if you don’t have any!  Yet another middle-finger-raising song…

It's a dirty blog, but somebody's gotta do it...

Good gravy!  So much to talk about an it's only Monday...

VICK'S A DICK—OFFICIALLY
Time will tell if Michael Vick's apology today will ring true (although I do give him credit for actually ad-libbing it instead of reading a prepared statement like some illiterate and tongue-tied idiot), but he lost me when he played the Jesus card and said that he "axed Him for forgiveness".  Now, to all you Michael Vick sychophants, apologists, race card players and NAACP grandstanders:  Shut the fuck up—he admitted his guilt!  Stop claiming that he's being railroaded or mistreated just because he's Black (as if Black people never commit crimes).  I'd feel the same way about him if he was White, plaid, Hispanic, Asian, Vulcan, Koozbanian, whatever—do you think Peyton Manning, Tom Brady or Brett Favre would skate on something like this?  I don't think so!  And to all you PETA people and animal rights activists:  Shut the fuck up—you're getting what you wanted...

While I'm at it, why is it at press conferences there's always this phalanx of photographers snapping away in the background?  It's not as if we don't know what Vick looks like, and it's not as if his appearance changed from the beginning of the proceedings to the end—that constant cacophony of camera noises is quite annoying...

THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES
Wow, first Rumsfeld, then Rove, and now A.G. Alberto Gonzales is bailing on Dubya by resigning.  If one didn't know any better, one would swear there was something rather fucked-up about this current Presidential administration...

Speaking of Dubya, commuters around K.C. are still up in arms about his visit here last week during which his motorcade tied up traffic all over the city just so he could make a speech no one will ever believe, have a biscuit for breakfast and waste perfectly good taxpayer money all in one morning.  There hasn't been this much discord about traffic being diverted from downtown since U2 commandeered the city to make a video a few years back.  Dumb question, but why couldn't they have done that on a weekend, or any evening after 6:00 when downtown K.C. is a virtual ghost town anyway?  But I digress...

I'VE GOT GAS
I alertly filled up my gas tank on the way home today for $2.65 a gallon when I noticed another station had jacked up their gas to $2.79.  Let me guess—another potential hurricane is going to wipe out the Gulf of Mexico (and the oil wells thereof) just like Hurricane Dean did(n't) last week.  I don't suppose the price increase has anything to do with Labor Day weekend looming on the horizon, would it?  Naw, couldn't be...

NOT THAT I NEEDED ANY FURTHER PROOF...
...that my ex-idol Ted Nugent is a total fucking moron but here's some more, along with (unnecessary) further proof that Sean Hannity and the rest of those at Faux News Channel are nothing but shills and cheerleaders for the Republican Party.  As I've previously stated on this blog, when I was 14, I truly wanted to BE Ted Nugent.  Sadly, since the time I was 14, I've actually matured and grown as a person, which is more than I can say for Nugent.  I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I once idolized this putz...

SPEAKING OF FAUX NEWS CHANNEL...
...while killing time before work this morning, I tuned in FNC's vapid "Fox And Friends" program, featuring the staggeringly doofy Steve Doocy, who led in to the story about Hulk Hogan's son being injured in a car accident by saying, "If you have a TV, you may know about the reality show featuring Hulk Hogan..."  Duhhhh, Steve, if I didn't have a TV, I couldn't even watch you say, "If you have a TV," now could I?  This fucker is dumber than a box of rocks (and/or your average Sonic commercial)...

SPEAKING OF FAUX NEWS...
Check out some really bad news bloopers. And some more. And yet even more.

WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED?
Just finished watching Season 2 of "The Muppet Show" on DVD.  Great stuff indeed, but I'm at a loss as to how on some shows Jim Henson and crew would land "big fish" guest stars like Elton John, Bob Hope, Steve Martin and Gilda Radner, while on others, they'd have to settle for has-beens and never-weres like Jaye P. Morgan, Louise Lasser, Teresa Brewer and Zero Mostel.  Oh well, any time the Swedish Chef was on the show was cool with yours truly—Bork! x 3.