Saturday, February 24, 2007

The 20 Most Underrated Movies of All-Time

Since I did the 30 Most Overrated Movies last week, it's only fair that I give the underrated ones equal time. Sadly, I could only come up with 20 instead of 30

1) Teachers (1984)  Nice ensemble cast here—I really liked Nick Nolte in this one, as well as Laura Dern, and even the usually-annoying Ralph Macchio and Crispin Glover weren’t bad.  A young Morgan Freeman also has a small role here.  However, it was the late Richard Mulligan (of "Soap" and "Empty Nest" fame) who really stole the show playing the mental hospital outpatient posing as a substitute teacher—he was more qualified to teach than any of the stiffs the Raytown School District ever hired!  Nolte also perfectly played one of those cool teachers you wanted to have in high school, and this was not a bad story either, with several good subplots.  The only true horror was the totally unnecessary trumped-up piece of symbolism of JoBeth Williams not being "afraid to walk naked down the halls".  I normally love seeing a woman take her clothes off in a movie, but in the words of the late Benny Hill, "If she hadn’t been blessed with those two warts on her chest, she would have no figure at all…"  Hell, I have bigger breasts than JoBeth Williams does!  She does have better legs than me, though…
2) The Hollywood Knights (1980)  This one’s a guilty pleasure for me—I loved watching it on Friday nights on Cinemax back in the ‘80s.  It’s sorta of a poor man’s American Graffiti crossed with a bit of Animal House, but it’s not a bad little movie, in spite of having Tony Danza in it.  Great ‘60s soundtrack too, and you’ll never hear the song "Volare" again without thinking of Newbomb Turk! Those of you who’ve seen it know precisely what I mean…
3) Awakenings (1990)  A highly-regarded film, yes, but not nearly high enough, in my opinion.  Where were the Oscars for this one?!?  DeNiro certainly should have gotten one—that had to be a challenge for him to pull off all the physical movements and still be convincing.  And Robin Williams was phenomenal in a very understated role—he’s become such a good dramatic actor that apart from Good Morning, Vietnam, World According To Garp and Mrs. Doubtfire, it’s strangely ironic how mediocre his comedy films are.  I also liked director Penny Marshall’s attention to detail in recreating the era the story took place in, even in the scenes where Williams and DeNiro are driving around town—it looked and felt like 1969, right down to Dr. Sayer’s Plymouth Valiant!  Penelope Ann Miller—a rather underrated redhead, even by my standards—was pretty good here too.
4) The Shawshank Redemption (1994)  Even though it’s highly-regarded, I still consider it underrated anyway—what a nifty freakin’ movie!  Great plot, with plenty of twists and turns, and Morgan Freeman was terrific in this one.  Tim Robbins was pretty good here too.  Sorry, all you conservatives out there…
5) Last American Virgin (1983)  This one was unfairly lumped in with all the other horny teen sex farce movies of the ‘80s (like Class, Private School, et al), but it’s worth another look if you passed on it the first time.  LAV has a good storyline and features the lovely Diane Franklin (Monique in Better Off Dead), plus a surprise ending that sets it apart from those other flicks of its genre.

6) Better Off Dead (1984)  John Cusack disses this movie now, claiming that it made him look foolish, but I beg to differ—this thing was damn funny in places.  The Japanese guy talking like Howard Cosell, and the animated hamburger imitating Eddie Van Halen, not to mention the running gag with the paper boy ("I want my TWO DOLLARS!")—that was funny stuff!  And what guy wouldn’t have loved to take those "language lessons" with Monique? Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?  Oui, oui!
7) World Trade Center (2006)  When I heard Oliver Stone was directing this, I was immediately skeptical, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t get one right for a change.  Remarkably restrained (especially for him), it told the story of two firefighters trapped in the rubble in a very uplifting way.  Even Nicolas Cage was good here.  Well worth a look, if you passed on it because you thought it would be too depressing.
8) Dead Poets Society (1989)  Even though it starred Robin Williams, the first time I saw this one, I got bored and gave up halfway through.  To use a term from the movie itself, I thought it was "excrement", but I checked it out again some years later, and found it to be a pretty good film after all.  Williams was once again very subdued here, but very believable too.  What I still find rather unbelievable is that horny teenage boys in the ‘50s would be all that interested in poetry as a hobby, but it was a good story anyway.  Carpe diem, captain, my captain!
9) A League Of Their Own (1992)  Another highly-regarded film, yes, but I include it here because I think Tom Hanks should have gotten an Oscar nomination for playing the loutish Jimmy Dugan.  Hanks usually plays the heroic good-guy character, and this was the first time he showed his range by playing a real horse’s ass, yet he made the guy lovable anyway.  I love it when he comes out and waves his cap to the crowd at the first game, all the while muttering, "That’s right—kiss my hairy ass!"  Oh yeah, the rest of the movie was pretty good too.  Even Rosie O’Donnell gets high marks from me—for the first and probably only time in a movie!  Madonna too, for that matter.  Penny Marshall has turned into a helluva director, too—she’s far better at directing than singing…
10) Mask (1984)  Now this is the film that Cher should have gotten an Oscar for instead of Moonstruck!  She was excellent playing the drug-addict mother to Eric Stoltz’s disfigured Rocky character.  Stoltz was brilliant too, as was the underrated Sam Elliott playing Gar the biker dude/father figure.  Loved Laura Dern as the blind girl also.  The scene where she says, "I’ve never understood colors" and Rocky hands her different items of varying temperatures to convey the various colors was really cool.  It never occurred to me before that how colors mean absolutely nothing to blind people.  See?  In spite of what most Replublicans will tell you, you CAN learn something from movies now and then!
11) Ed Wood (1994)  Probably the only movie I ever liked Johnny Depp in, it tells the story of infamous film director Ed Wood, the man who brought us Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen Or Glenda.  Eddie was a couple fries shy of a Happy Meal, and this movie is a real hoot.

12) Full Metal Jacket (1987)  Jesus H. Christ!  R. Lee Ermey’s drill sergeant bit in the boot camp portion of the movie is the stuff of legends.  You hated the som-bitch so much, but he was so fucking funny with the insults that you loved him at the same time.  Example: "How tall are you? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!"  The second half of the movie is a bit more mundane, but it’s worth watching for the first 45 minutes alone.
13) Light Sleeper (1992)  Ironically, I caught this film late one night on cable when I couldn’t sleep!  Great movie that flew under the radar, it starred Willem Dafoe (one of my favorite actors), as an insomniac drug courier with a conscience who wants to get out of the business run by drug dealer Susan Saran-Wrap—er uh, Sarandon.  Dana Delaney from "China Beach" (another favorite actress of mine) was excellent here too.  It reminded me a bit of Pulp Fiction only minus most of the gory violence, and it was very atmospheric in places.
14) Mississippi Burning (1988)  I let this one pass me by when it first came out, but it’s a damn good movie.  Willem Dafoe and Gene Hackman were great in this story about Civil Rights and racism in the ‘60s.  Even "Hee Haw" regular Gaylard Sartain made a convincing enough redneck bigot sheriff here.  And I loved seeing those Ford Galaxie 500s and other old-school cars of that era.
15) Young Doctors In Love (1982)  Great soap opera spoof that took advantage of the wave of popularity caused by the whole "General Hospital" Luke & Laura thing.  Totally silly plot, but very funny in places, and I’m sure many black people take great delight in watching the mob hit man played by Michael Richards doing himself in numerous times—shades of Wile E. Coyote!  And if the "Philadelphia Fucking Philharmonic" ever comes to town, check ‘em out!
16) Sixteen Candles (1984)  This one gets better and better every time I watch it.  The Long Duk Dong bits alone ("Donger need food!") are priceless, and who better to play a geek than a geek like Michael Anthony Hall?
17) What’s Up, Doc? (1971)  One of the few movies that I actually liked Barbra Streisand in!  The chase scene near the end of the movie is a total hoot.
18) That Thing You Do! (1996)  Since Tom Hanks directed as well as starred in it, he didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with the rest of the cast in this film about a fictitious ‘60s Rock group that makes the big-time.  This was one of Liv Tyler’s better performances too.
19) Men Don’t Leave (1990)  I didn’t like the main plot involving Jessica Lange in this one half as much as I loved the subplot involving Joan Cusack playing a young nurse who kinda sorta seduces Lange’s teenage son.  Not the prettiest girl in the world, but there have been times when Joan was an absolute babe to me, and this was one of them—she is a redhead, after all.  She was cute in Working Girl and Broadcast News too.  Regrettably, the older she gets, the goofier she gets, and I find it sad that she feels the need to resort to hawking cell phones on TV now.
20) Cheech & Chong's Nice Dreams (1981)  Probably the best of C&C's "Pedro & Man" movies, and the scene with Cheech scooting around on the floor in the straight jacket screaming, "Somebody PLEEEEASE scratch my balls!!!" just kills me!  I also liked it when that druggie chick thought Chong was Jerry Garcia, and Cheech chimed in with, "Hey, I’m Santana, man!"

What Might Have Been... Vol. I

I’ve been compiling a listing of actors who were considered for and/or turned down certain movie and TV roles, which I’ll feature from time to time as I unearth them.  It’s fascinating to see how popular history would have been altered in unfathomable ways if certain critical choices hadn’t been made by casting directors and/or the actors themselves.

For starters, could you possibly imagine Gene Hackman as Mike Brady on "The Brady Bunch"?  It almost happened, but they chose Robert Reed over Gene, a move that I’m sure the Hack Man is eternally grateful for!  If Hackman was Mike Brady, chances are he wouldn’t have done French Connection in ’71, and so on down the line, his career path would have been different.  Just as well anyway, since Robert Reed was apparently far more comfortable with being "busy with three boys of his own."  Sorry, I’m SO bad…

—Carroll O’Connor was nearly cast as The Skipper on "Gilligan’s Island".  While I can kinda-sorta picture him in that role, I’m glad he didn’t get it because 1) Alan Hale made the perfect Skipper, and 2) I doubt seriously if O’Connor would ever have been Archie Bunker after doing "Gilligan"—no one else from that show ever got any serious roles again.  I can’t even begin to imagine anyone besides Carroll O’Connor playing A. Bunker, can you?

Before Harrison Ford got the part of Han Solo in Star Wars, Burt Reynolds turned it down.  Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte were also considered for it, but were turned down.  Singer Terri Nunn of the band Berlin also auditioned for Princess Leia before being aced out by Carrie Fisher, and William Katt of "Greatest American Hero" fame was up for Luke Skywalker at one point.  I think George Lucas made the right choices, there…

Nolte was also considered for Clark Kent/Superman before Christopher Reeve got the signature role of his career.  Just as well—there was no place for Nolte to stash his flask in those blue tights!

—It’s entirely possible we might have had Crosby, Somebody Else and Nash.  Singer Stephen Stills auditioned for "The Monkees" and was rejected.  He was good buds at the time with one Peter Tork, and told him about the audition, and Pete went down and gave it a shot, and the rest is history.

John Travolta has made as many bad career moves as he has good ones.  He turned down the leads in American Gigolo and An Officer & A Gentleman—roles that both went to Richard Gere, and he turned down the lead in Splash that went to Tom Hanks.  Travolta’s a lucky bastard, tho—he keeps resurfacing just when you think his career is toast.

Phoebe Cates was rejected for a role, but gained a husband in the process.  She read for the role of Chloe in The Big Chill that went to Meg Tilly, but met her future husband Kevin Kline during her audition, much to the chagrin of my good friend Tom, who was fairly obsessed with Miss Cates back in the day!  Can’t say I blame him, either.  Sadly, her career never did recover from that Drop Dead Fred excrement.

Molly Ringwald passed on lead roles in both Ghost and Pretty Woman.  I truly wish she’d have taken the latter one—the world may have been spared from the totally underwhelming talents of Julia Roberts!

And of course, there’s the legendary tale of how Buddy Ebsen lost out on being the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz because he was allergic to the silver face make-up.  He thought his career was totally screwed, but fate intervened in 1961 and he moved in next to Mr. Drysdale and became forever-known as Jed Clampett.

—Singer Gordon Lightfoot once dated the infamous Cathy Smith, the woman who later shot up actor John Belushi with that lethal dose of cocaine and heroin in 1982.  Luckily, Gord came to his senses and dropped the bitch like a bad habit.  Eerie coincidence--Lightfoot shared the same stage with Belushi on "Saturday Night Live" in 1976.

—Actor Carl Weathers once played briefly for the Oakland Raiders in the late '60s.  Had his football career been more successful, he might never have been Apollo Creed in the Rocky flicks...

—Here's a couple that aren't really "what-might-have-beens", but are kinda interesting, anyway.  Even though the movie was a bomb, was there not a more brilliant piece of Hollywood film casting than Shelly Duvall as Olive Oyl in Popeye?  You’ll rarely find such a dead ringer for a cartoon character than her!...By the way, Shelly Duvall and Robert Duvall are NOT related—I always assumed they were father and daughter...Also, Carol Channing and Stockard Channing aren’t related either, as I once assumed—the latter took her last name from her first marriage, and Stockard is actually her maiden name. Be my guest—impress your friends with some trivia!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

NO outs to go!

Those are the words of K.C. Royals play-by-play man Denny Matthews calling the final out of the 1985 World Series.  Well, Mr. Matthews was today awarded the 2007 Ford C. Frick Award, and will be inducted into the announcer's wing at the Baseball Hall of Fame in July.  I am quite pleased with this development, because no matter how sucky the Royals have been at times, Denny is the voice of everyone's summers around here, and he's so very deserving of this honor.  It's refreshing to see a Hall of Fame get one right for a change, too!

Denny has been with the Royals since Day One in 1969, and he's a good as they come as a baseball play-by-play man, although he's not well-known outside of the Midwest.  I'm really surprised that the Hall didn't pass Denny over again this year—there were several other worthy finalists, including Seattle screamer Dave Niehaus, the White Sox' Hawk "He Gone" Harrelson and the late Dizzy Dean (who really WAS dizzy at times!).

Even though the Royals suck like a Hoover now, I always make it a point at least a couple times each summer to grab my radio and camp out under the stars on my patio with a few beers and listen to Denny do a Royals broadcast.  He's like your favorite pair of shoes—so very comfortable!  Some Royals fans have criticized Matthews for being too low-key, but I think that's a bunch of hooey.  Yes, Denny is much more low-key (think Jack Buck) than the high-energy Niehaus (think Harry Caray), but there's nothing wrong with either style, really.  Denny's not only a fine play-by-play man, but he can also make a rain delay enjoyable with the stories he tells.  And fear not, Stacy, my friend—your boy Niehaus will get in the Hall soon too!

A hearty Royal Blue salute from yours truly to a Kansas City sports legend—this honor is long-overdue and well-deserved!  Bravo, Dennis, bravo!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I read the news today, oh boy...

Your VP Dick Cheney sez that the Democrats' attempt to thwart Dubya's Iraq troop surge plan "validates the Al-Quida strategy", yet it's okay for the Brits to withdraw 1,600 of their troops because he views that as a positive step.  "I look at it and see it is actually an affirmation that there are parts of Iraq where things are going pretty well," Dickie C. said.  That's actually true—the insurgency in Iraq is booking along pretty nicely, ain't it?

You can question my patriotism all you want when I say this, but how the fuck did we get stuck with such incompetent boobs—not to mention out-and-out war mongers—running our country?  Hate to say it, but we were sleeping at the wheel about seven years ago (myself included) when these horse's patoots took power, and even though I make jokes about this stuff, I don't mind telling you, I'm scared shitless sometimes about our future here, and this (literally) bloody administration can't end soon enough for me!

Republican Prez. candidate John McCain originally said when Donald Rumsfeld stepped down as Sec. Of Defense that he deserved America’s undying respect.  This week, he sez that Rummy truly was a dummy—the worst Sec. Of Defense ever, no less.  You don't say?  I seem to remember a term certain Republicans/conservatives used to bandy about regarding this little phenomenon.  Ohhhh, what the hell was it?  Gimme a sec.—it’ll come to me…  Oh yeah, I remember now—I believe it was "FLIP-FLOP!"  Yeah, that was it—"Flip-flop."  Funny, but I thought that was considered to be strictly a Democratic malady...

Meantime, McCain was about the only Republican I’d even remotely consider voting for in ’08 (sorry, Rudy G., I'll pass), but he’s losing me real quick by continuing to support Bush and his urge to surge.  Talking out of both sides of his mouth ain’t helping his cause with me either…

Ain't no way in hell I'm voting for Sen. Sam Brown-nose—er uh, Brownback from nextdoor in Kansas.  This fucker will have the teaching of evolution stricken from public schools the nanosecond he gets elected, and then he'll party like it's 1899...

And Mitt Romney?!? Sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to vote for anyone named after catching equipment…

"Baby this town rips the bones from your back…"  I swear, I thought he said, "It’s the balls on your back!"  Whatever floats your boat, Brucie...

I've been refraining from weighing in on this whole Britney Spears thing so far because I was hoping the dust would settle, but just like with Anna Nicole, there's apparently no end in sight.  However, I DO have a theory about her motivation for shaving her head:  She was watching "Deal Or No Deal" and perhaps she noted how the Mr. Clean look revived Howie Mandel’s flagging career...

My question is why was/is she wearing that gawdawful blonde wig? She can afford any wig in the world, so why go with that $9.95 blue-light-special number that even Carol Channing wouldn’t go near?  Sadly, it would appear that the proverbial cheese has indeed slipped off Britney's cracker.  I kinda expected this sort of behavior out of Kelly Osbourne a couple years ago, but that hasn't materialized (yet)...

Once again, what a veritable ratings bonanza this month has been for the news media people!

Viewer Discretion is STRONGLY Advised...

"I don’t believe what I just saw!"  The late Jack Buck’s famous words were never truer following my recent viewing of the Captain & Tennille’s old TV variety show DVD.  While I do remember watching it a few times in first-run circa. 1976-77, I sure don’t remember this thing being so utterly wretched!  To be fair, this was back in the day when everybody and their mother had a TV variety show that copied the tried-and-true Flip Wilson/Sonny & Cher/Donny & Marie formula.  Even the Starland Vocal Band had their own show that lasted all of a month, based solely on the strength of their insipid hit "Afternoon Delight", but C&T’s ignominious show was like watching Sonny & Cher on Prozac.  Not unlike Rachel on "Friends" after watching one of Joey’s plays, I "feel violated"!

I barely got through the first four episodes on DVD, and I couldn’t take any more.  I cringed numerous times throughout and was actually embarrassed for not only C&T (esp. Tennille), but their guest stars, as well.  I mean, Redd Foxx and Leonard Nimoy looked so out-of-place doing this show.  And did Jackie Gleason need a paycheck badly enough to appear on TV in a tacky pink (I shit you not—PINK!) leisure suit and waving his cigarette around like a queer?  [By the way, Jackie, any chance you coulda put your smokes out long enough to spend a few minutes on camera, bud?]  There was also plenty of shameless self-promotion on ABC’s part, as the majority of C&T’s other guest stars were from network shows like "Happy Days", "What’s Happening!", and the entire cast of "Welcome Back, Kotter" except Epstein and Mr. Woodman.  And Penny Marshall singing?  Loved her to death as Laverne, and she’s a dandy film director today, but her caterwauling made Edith Bunker sound like Gloria Estefan!

If all that weren’t bad enough, then there was C&T themselves.  Toni Tennille is a great singer and a decent performer and wasn't too hard on the eyes, but the not-so-good Captain was a total dullard!  Excellent musician, yes—he used to tour with the Beach Boys, in fact—but Daryl Dragon had all the personality of a coat hanger, and his totally insufferable hat "jokes" made Bob Saget seem like Robin Williams.  Thus, Tennille was forced to pretty much carry the show herself and the results were pretty damn sad.  She sounded so silly doing songs like Jim Croce’s "You Don’t Mess Around With Jim" and Elton John’s "Honky Cat" without even changing the gender in lines like, "Living in the city, boy, is gonna break your heart", all the while doing hokey choreography with a bunch of male dancers dressed in tacky orange jumpsuits, etc.

The one saving grace for the show was when they featured musical guests that you rarely got to see on TV in the pre-MTV days like Heart or Rufus with Chaka Khan.  But honestly, Captain & Tennille should have stuck to making records—this show actually made "Pink Lady & Jeff" and the "Brady Bunch" variety show look brilliant by comparison, which is no mean feat!
I have been slimed…

Monday, February 19, 2007

Blah, Blah, Blah

101 The Fox, one of our local classic Rock stations, did us all a big favor last week and sacked the syndicated "Bob & Tom" morning show after less than a year of hyping the hell out of it as being a laugh riot.  I said it before here, and I’ll say it again: ain’t nothing more irritating than unfunny morning radio people laughing at their own jokes!  If I want to hear someone laughing at their own jokes, I can watch Bob Saget on "America’s Funniest Home Videos."  As for the station, this makes at least half a dozen morning show teams they’ve trotted out over the last ten years, and none of them have lasted more than a year and a half, and all of them sucked except my man Randy Raley’s show, and they fired him for no good reason.  So much for having any continuity during your morning drive slot, eh?

I couldn’t help but chuckle while watching the press conference thing on VH-1 Classic for the upcoming Police reunion tour when they said the ticket prices would average around $100!  Not top out at, but average $100 a pop, and the sycophants in attendance at the press conference actually applauded this!  No thanks, fellas—I think I’ll pass.  I saw you guys twice back in the day when it was real and the ticket prices averaged $10 a pop, so I’ll just watch an old Synchronicity video instead.  Doesn’t it seem like a lifetime ago when we were all outraged that The Jacksons were charging $30 a ticket for the Victory tour in 1984?  Now you can’t even get a nosebleed seat at a comedy concert for under 40 bucks…

I didn’t catch this at the time because I don’t waste my time watching the Grammy Awards, but I read today that Al Gore was the presenter for the Best Rock Album award, won by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  Although the band’s name is somewhat fitting for a guy who’s all hyped-up about global warming, it’s pretty hypocritical of him to honor the RHCPs, who were a frequent target of Gore’s warning-label-happy wife Tipper and the dreaded P.M.R.C. back in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s.

I may lean to the left, but that don’t stop me from bashing selected liberals too—I think Al Gore’s almost as big a moron as Dubya is.  So is Al Franken.  Now how’s that for being fair and balanced?

Went out with some friends Saturday night to see local Kiss tribute band Almost Kiss, and it was (Almost) enjoyable.  Almost Gene is a guy who's worked on my air conditioner a time or two, and this was my first time to (Almost) see the band.  Almost Paul looked and sounded like the real thing, and Almost Ace was pretty good—his costume was the (Al)most authentic, too.  From where we sat, we could hardly see Almost Peter, but he sounded good, anyway.  Oddly enough, the authentic Kiss classic "Almost Human" wasn't on their set list.  However, the stupid drunk fuck sitting behind us slurring the lyrics to the other songs was Almost as entertaining as the band, too!  Almost...

Read a cool feature in the paper last week about the night the Royals finally beat the Yankees in the 1980 ALCS.  Turns out that same night, Elton John was in concert at Kemper Arena, and according to a fan who was conflicted about whether to attend the concert or watch the ballgame on TV, Elton came back out during his encore with a note and read, "George Brett has just hit a three-run home run in the 7th inning—Royals 4, Yankees 2," and the place went nuts.  Very cool of Elton to keep everyone updated, even though he probably didn’t have a clue what or who he was talking about!  Not sure why, but I was totally unaware that the concert even took place that night, or we might have attended ourselves.  Meantime, about the time the concert was winding down, my best friend Tom and I were a couple miles away at Crown Center, amongst hundreds of revelers gleefully chanting, "YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!" and "COSELL SUCKS! COSELL SUCKS!" in front of the TV cameras.  Ah, the stuff of memories…

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Shark Jumping 106

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Seeing's how there appears to be no end in sight to the Anna Nicole Smith media orgasm, and seeing's how I was going to post this before she died anyway, here's a little taste of what folks thought of her wonderful little reality show on Jump Da Shark...

If we want to watch a babbling drug addict that we don’t care about, we can just go down to the local emergency room at 2:00AM on any given morning.

—You have to give E! a pat on the back for their generosity.  I mean, who else would give this huge, lumbering $2 ho a show of their own?

—This woman has to be the fattest, ugliest, most annoying “celebrity” on television (with the possible exception of Star Jones).

—Did you see the ass on her?  She could be Shelly Winters’ stand-in…And the whining--does it ever stop?  Joan of Arc did less whining at the stake.

She looks like a blonde Roseanne these days…

—Anna Nicole is a big fat caboose that somebody tipped over as it was sitting on the tracks.

—On Howard Stern…they got on the subject of September 11th, and she had no idea what happened on that day!  Is she that clueless?  And the absolutely asinine statement about the suicide bombers, “Wouldn’t that hurt?”  Yeah, Nicole, it sure does hurt…just like watching your show! CLICK!!

—I will have to predict that it will never jump the shark.  I don’t think there is a boat powerful enough to generate the speed necessary to get Anna Nicole through the air over any shark.

—…a perfect synthesis of the mean-spirited and shallow junk that passes for entertainment these days.

—Now she’s well, fat.  Not quite “Roseanne in the fifth season” fat, but more like “high school dietician” fat…one can’t help but wonder how long before she joins Foster Brooks, Charlie Callas and Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. in “Has-Been Heaven”.

—Watching her exist is like watching a quadraplegic eat rice with chopsticks—utterly depressing and yet strangely fascinating…

—Tune in next week, kids—Anna gets so trashed on horse tranquilizers that she loses control of her bowels!

—Anna Nicole is like the daddy’s little princess bitchy prom queen who’s all uptight and hates anyone even remotely normal.  The thing is, I thought women like that only existed in bad high school movies.  Guess I was wrong…

—Fat, drunk and hopped-up is no way to through life, son.

—I, for one, think she’s extremely intelligent…it’s her assistants which are goofy.  Anna is a good role model for today’s generation and I wish her the best for her upcoming season. [Evidently written in all seriousness!--B.H.]

—Anna Nicole looks like a sausage encased in really bad outfits…A lawyer who has nothing better to do than hang around with this twit—where did he get his degree?  Perhaps at Wal-Mart…

—The episode with Anna taking her driver’s test in California.  I felt like saying to the driving instructor, “Hey, do you have a yoke for that steer?”

—This is absolutely the best show featuring a fat, slobbering, gold-digging retard since Tom Arnold’s last masterpiece was cancelled.

—The Anna Nicole Show is one of the top ten reasons other countries hate us so badly.

—This gold-digging trailer-trash princess slurs worse than Keith Richards.

—Compared to this bottom-of-the-bill filler, "Pink Lady and Jeff" never jumped.

—Unfortunately, this show will never go off the air, because there is a trailer park somewhere with a satellite dish.

—People, this is a scary show because if this is allowed on the airwaves, we are soooo close to seeing more C-List “stars”, getting their own reality shows.  Something about the “Louie Anderson Show” just frightens me.