Sunday, February 18, 2007

Shark Jumping 106

Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Seeing's how there appears to be no end in sight to the Anna Nicole Smith media orgasm, and seeing's how I was going to post this before she died anyway, here's a little taste of what folks thought of her wonderful little reality show on Jump Da Shark...

If we want to watch a babbling drug addict that we don’t care about, we can just go down to the local emergency room at 2:00AM on any given morning.

—You have to give E! a pat on the back for their generosity.  I mean, who else would give this huge, lumbering $2 ho a show of their own?

—This woman has to be the fattest, ugliest, most annoying “celebrity” on television (with the possible exception of Star Jones).

—Did you see the ass on her?  She could be Shelly Winters’ stand-in…And the whining--does it ever stop?  Joan of Arc did less whining at the stake.

She looks like a blonde Roseanne these days…

—Anna Nicole is a big fat caboose that somebody tipped over as it was sitting on the tracks.

—On Howard Stern…they got on the subject of September 11th, and she had no idea what happened on that day!  Is she that clueless?  And the absolutely asinine statement about the suicide bombers, “Wouldn’t that hurt?”  Yeah, Nicole, it sure does hurt…just like watching your show! CLICK!!

—I will have to predict that it will never jump the shark.  I don’t think there is a boat powerful enough to generate the speed necessary to get Anna Nicole through the air over any shark.

—…a perfect synthesis of the mean-spirited and shallow junk that passes for entertainment these days.

—Now she’s well, fat.  Not quite “Roseanne in the fifth season” fat, but more like “high school dietician” fat…one can’t help but wonder how long before she joins Foster Brooks, Charlie Callas and Raymond J. Johnson, Jr. in “Has-Been Heaven”.

—Watching her exist is like watching a quadraplegic eat rice with chopsticks—utterly depressing and yet strangely fascinating…

—Tune in next week, kids—Anna gets so trashed on horse tranquilizers that she loses control of her bowels!

—Anna Nicole is like the daddy’s little princess bitchy prom queen who’s all uptight and hates anyone even remotely normal.  The thing is, I thought women like that only existed in bad high school movies.  Guess I was wrong…

—Fat, drunk and hopped-up is no way to through life, son.

—I, for one, think she’s extremely intelligent…it’s her assistants which are goofy.  Anna is a good role model for today’s generation and I wish her the best for her upcoming season. [Evidently written in all seriousness!--B.H.]

—Anna Nicole looks like a sausage encased in really bad outfits…A lawyer who has nothing better to do than hang around with this twit—where did he get his degree?  Perhaps at Wal-Mart…

—The episode with Anna taking her driver’s test in California.  I felt like saying to the driving instructor, “Hey, do you have a yoke for that steer?”

—This is absolutely the best show featuring a fat, slobbering, gold-digging retard since Tom Arnold’s last masterpiece was cancelled.

—The Anna Nicole Show is one of the top ten reasons other countries hate us so badly.

—This gold-digging trailer-trash princess slurs worse than Keith Richards.

—Compared to this bottom-of-the-bill filler, "Pink Lady and Jeff" never jumped.

—Unfortunately, this show will never go off the air, because there is a trailer park somewhere with a satellite dish.

—People, this is a scary show because if this is allowed on the airwaves, we are soooo close to seeing more C-List “stars”, getting their own reality shows.  Something about the “Louie Anderson Show” just frightens me.

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