SLEEPING AT THE WHEEL?
Let me get this straight: the FBI and CIA have been watching this Fort Hood shooter tick-turd for quite some time now, and were well aware he’d been reaching out to Al-Queda? Then what the fuck was he still doing in the U.S. Army?!? Come on, folks, we need to mind our store a little better than this…
DING DONG—THE ASSHOLE’S GONE!—PART 1
It took them long enough, but the Chefs finally released impudent running back Larry Johnson on Monday. And predictably, Larry proceeded to blame the mean ol’ K.C. media for all his transgressions and fuck-ups. Sadly, L.J. will go down as a classic case of "what might have been"—he had all the talent in the world on the field, but pissed most of it away, alienated Kansas City fans and ultimately wore out his welcome here. Guess he’ll be throwing his drinks at his "bitches" in another NFL city real soon. This move also preserves the team’s all-time rushing record held by a much better citizen, "The Beast That Is The" Priest Holmes. It’s also given numerous K.C. retailers cause to offer Larry Johnson jerseys at 50% off. I have a better suggestion—I say we take those jerseys and convert them into diapers and donate them to a good charity in Dick Vermeil’s name. Good riddance to a bonehead…
DING DONG—THE ASSHOLE’S GONE!—PART 2
Nice to see them finally execute that D.C. sniper douche-bag last night. Don’t rest in peace, butt-munch—hope you were gravely disappointed when you realized there ain't no Allah after all. Good riddance to a mega-asshole…
REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE?
There was much hoop-de-doo in the media this week about tennis player Andre Agassi’s forthcoming autobiography where he says he actually hated tennis, but was forced to play against his will by his allegedly domineering father while growing up. And this is the guy that Canon cameras positioned as a "Rebel" in their TV ads back in the day? Doesn’t strike me as being terribly rebellious if he couldn’t even stand up to his old man. And cry me a freakin’ river for all those millions you made playing that game you so hated, Andre…
"MAKE SURE THEY GET YOUR GOOD SIDE, GOOD SIDE"—A. ANT
To all the conservatives who pissed and moaned last fall when Newsweek had the unmitigated temerity to put Sarah Palin’s un-retouched extreme close-up that revealed all her supposed "flaws" on their cover, I direct your attention to the latest issue of Time. There you’ll find more wrinkles on Hillary Clinton’s face than in an un-made bed—and this ain’t even a close-up! Miss Winky-Dink should be deliriously grateful to look as good as she does at her age anyway ($150,000 clothing and make-up budget notwithstanding), because the years haven’t been kind to our current Secretary of State, it appears…
‘TIS THE SEASON? I THINK NOT…
I think I already mentioned on here that Lowe’s hardware store had their outdoor Xmas decorations for sale back on September 18th. This past weekend, the bloody Salivatin’ Army bell ringers—a major bane of my existence—were already out in force at the new Walmart in Raytown, and when the clock struck midnight on Halloween, one of our local FM stations started playing wall-to-wall holiday music. At the risk of sounding like E. Scrooge, I think Ozzy Osbourne nailed it when he said, "I hate fucking Christmas!" Every year, this yuletide thing seems to start earlier and earlier, and it sucks the life right out of me. Whatever happened to waiting until Thanksgiving to start the holiday season? Before long, the damn stores will be putting out the inflatable snowmen and Santas on the 4th of July! I miss the days when Christmas was something fun to look forward to, rather than the obligation that it’s morphed into in recent years. It also doesn’t help that I’m not religious, so that aspect of the Christmas season doesn’t register with me, either. Cancel Christmas? Sounds ducky to me…
JANE! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!
Speaking of our new Walmart—which is a mere half-mile from Holland’s Comet headquarters—in its first three weeks of operation, I’ve witnessed no less than three individual acts of vehicular stupidity in and around our great new shopping Mecca. First, there was the Walmart shopper who thought the red light leading out of their parking lot was merely a "suggestion" and he proceeded to pull right out and cut me off as I barreled towards him on the highway at 45 mph. This new store actually straddles our widely-divided 350 highway in Raytown, and a few days later, I witnessed another Wallyworld shopper turn right into the eastbound lanes of 350—going westbound! And just this past Saturday, some Amazon woman managed to ram her vehicle into one of those yellow posts in the parking lot in a single-car incident. To make matters worse, the new Walmart’s location only serves to exacerbate what is already a fairly major clusterfuck during evening rush hour, so I’m kinda hoping they hurry up and invent that flying vehicle that George Jetson folds up into a briefcase to get home in.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #121
"Rock ‘N’ Roll Fantasy"—BAD COMPANY (1979) "Reachin’ for the sky, and tearin’ up the ground…" Don’t it sound kinda like Paul Rodgers sings "Chairman of the ground" there?
TENTH AVENUE THIEF-OUT?!?
I was listening to the latest Springsteen CD the other day, Working On A Dream, and found the melody on the Dylan-esque opening track, "Outlaw Pete" to be awfully familiar. It took a few minutes to register with me that it sounded mighty close to the "doo-doo-doo-do-doo-doo-doo" intro to "I Was Made For Lovin’ You" by Kiss! Better watch out, Brucie—Gene and Paul might sue yer ass…
GUARANTEED TO BLOW YOUR HEAD APART?!? MEH...
I borrowed some Emerson Lake & Palmer CDs from the library recently (hence the above title references) and have really tried to warm up to the body of their work, but I’m finding it most difficult. My older sister used to think these guys were the cat’s ass back in the ‘70s, and there’s no question that Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are all top-flight musicians, but I find most of their music to be cold as a dead fish. ‘70s Prog Rock is like that to me in general, anyway, so I guess I’m a bit biased. While I do like some of the big radio hits like "Lucky Man", "Karn Evil 9" and "Fanfare For The Common Man", and even how ELP would occasionally loosen up and do something off-the-wall like "Hoedown" or B. Bumble & the Stingers’ "Nutrocker", the majority of their stuff comes across to me as pompous, overblown and boring with very little warmth in their music at all. I think they might’ve benefitted greatly from adding some guitar to their stuff, too—organ, bass and drums makes for a weird combo in Rock. Like the April Wine song "Wanna Rock" states, "If it don’t Rock me, then it ain’t gonna please me…"
FEELING THE NOIZE
Another band I’ve been checking out via the library is Slade, who were sort of the British version of Cheap Trick. Lead singer Noddy Holder sounded a bit like CT’s Robin Zander at times, and they were kinda goofy-looking for a Rock band, not unlike the Tricksters. I’m discovering there was a lot more to this band than just the songs Quiet Riot covered in the ‘80s, "Cum On Feel The Noize" and "Mama, Weer All Crazee Now". Slade could alternately rock out with songs like "We’ll Bring The House Down" or bring a crowd together with a touching sing-along like "My Oh My", and Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley both cite Slade as an early influence for the Kiss sound and live act. Slade was huge over across the big pond back in the ‘70s, but for reasons unknown, they just never really caught on over here, even though their sound surely appeals to American Rock audiences. When I first got my MTV in 1984, I remember "Run Runaway" getting pretty heavy rotation and between that and the QR covers, Slade enjoyed a nice resurgence in popularity during that time. Pity it didn’t last—they’re a very underappreciated band.
"LET’S GIVE IT TO ‘EM RIGHT NOW!"
Here’s my all-time best version of "Louie, Louie" countdown:
5) Paul Revere & The Raiders (original studio version-1963)
4) The Kingsmen (1963)
3) John Belushi/Cast of Animal House (1978)
2) Motorhead (1980)
1) Paul Revere & The Raiders (live version on Here They Come! album-1965)
Ironically, the only version on which you can clearly understand the lyrics is Motorhead’s, believe it or not! And a little trivia for you—both the Kingsmen and Raiders versions were recorded in the same studio in the Great Northwest. Much to Da Raidas’ chagrin at the time, the Kingsmen aced them out with it on the charts, but PR&TR went on to have the far more successful career, thankfully.
"MEMORIES, LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND…"
While watching my favorite new TV show, "Squidbillies" last night, my man Early Cuyler (pictured here) reminded me of a blast from the past. When was the last time you were concerned with a piece of car audio equipment that featured "auto-reverse" and/or a "detachable face"? For me, it’s easily a decade, at least…A NEW PLAYPEN
Last Saturday, I paid a visit to the new Independence Events Center, home of our new minor-league hockey team, the Missouri Mavericks, during its open house. Nice little building that holds about 5,000 puckheads, and considering how low-slung as the place is, it appears that the seats higher-up actually provide the better views. I thought the video boards and scoreboards seemed rather cheesy for this modern era, but overall, for a small suburban sports venue, it should serve us well. The IEC’s shakedown cruise is Friday night when the Mavs take on the Wichita Blunder, er uh, Thunder.
