I'd rather laugh with the bloggers than cry with the saints...

The bloggers are much more fun(nier)…

EIGHT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH
I’m normally not a violent person, but I’ve just about reached the end of my tether with these impudent Jon & Kate people, to the point where I’m this close to hiring a hitman to off both of them!  I’m so sick of the way these two overexposed inconsequential nobodies continue to monopolize the headlines and for what—just because they fucked like rabbits and had eight kids?  Every time I walk by the waiting room in my workplace or when I flip on “Larry King Live”, there’s one of them on the TV pissing and moaning about the other one, and whenever I click on MSNBC’s webpage to get the latest news, there are no less than three headlines about these two nandofucks.  What makes them so special anyway?  It ain’t as if they’re the only couple who has a big family in this country and to me they’re the biggest something-made-out-of-nothing this side of the Blue Man Group.  What kills me now is how Jon has suddenly gotten religion, so to speak, and says that this whole thing has had an adverse effect on their children.  No shit, Sherlock!  Do us, yourselves, and your kids all a big favor, Jon & Kate—stop exploiting your children for money and TV ratings and fucking disappear already!

HE WHO LIVETH BY THE SWORD SHALL BE STUCKETH
Kinda hard to feel sorry for David Letterman these days, ain’t it?  Most everything I’ve ever heard about his off-camera personality is pretty unsavory anyway, so none of this current sex-with-“Late Show”-staffers hoop-de-doo comes as any great shock to me.  Between this and the Sarah Palin daughter joke flap a couple months back, it would appear Dave keeps stepping on his winkie while wearing spiked golf shoes.  What’s funny is about half of his repertoire—jokes aimed at fellow sex fiends like John Edwards, Hugh Grant, Elliot Spitzer and Gov. Sanford—now rings pretty hollow.  It’ll be interesting to see if and how he compensates for it in his future monologues.

MUCH A-POOH ABOUT NOTHING
Seems there’s a minor stink brewing about a new sequel to A.A. Milne’s classic Winnie-The-Pooh series called Return To The Hundred Acre Wood written by one David Benedictus.  Some people are reacting like Piglet (“Oh, d-d-d-d-dear-dear!”) because DB apparently had the audacity to introduce a new character, an otter named Lottie, into Pooh-dom.  And this is a problem, why?  No one seemed to give a rip when Disney Channel bastardized the Pooh franchise a few years back with an animated version that replaced Christopher Robin with a girl (who dressed an awful lot like him) and her little dog, neither of whom were original Milne characters, so why the fuss about now?  As Pooh himself was often known to say, “Oh bother…”  Or as Col. Potter on “M*A*S*H” once said to Maj. Winchester, “Oh, Pooh-Pooh-Pa-Doo…”

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…
Don’t mean to strip your gears, transitioning from childhood fantasy world to grown-up real-life nightmare theater, but I wanted to make mention of the passing of Manson family member Susan Atkins.  Yes, the infamous Sharon Tate stabber finally kicked the bucket in prison last week, dying of cancer after her recent final parole request failed.  She was too sick and bedridden anyway—what the hell was she gonna do if they let her out early, party like it’s 1969?  If the cancer didn’t kill her first, someone probably would’ve whacked her anyhow.  Every time I hear the name Susan Atkins, I think of a routine that comedian Gallagher did back in the ‘80s where he talked about some prison documentary that “followed her through her day…seems she’s studying secretarial skills now—as if somebody’s gonna GIVE HER A JOB!  ‘Hey, Susan, open the mail!’…‘You’re a male…’”  All I gotta say, Susan, is burn in hell, bitch!  Good riddance to human feces...

DON’T BAG THE BAGGIE JUST YET
Seems oddly ironic that the most reviled stadium in baseball history, the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis, got a stay of execution (as the Twins home venue, anyway), thanks to the flat-footed tie between the Twins and Detroit Tigers.  They’ll stage a one-game playoff tomorrow to decide who wins the division, thus the Kansas City Royals didn’t get to close out the Dome after all yesterday, as they did at the old Metropolitan Stadium in Bloomington in 1981.  Even weirder, the old Met is now the site of the Mall of America, which now has lent its corporate moniker to the Metrodome for Vikings games—Mall of America Field at H.H.H. Metrodome, or some such crappola.  Confused yet?  You won’t be when the Twins move to Target Field on the other side of downtown Minneapolis, which is almost finished already—the field is actually playable now, in fact—and based on the photos I’ve seen so far, TF is shaping up to be a dandy little ballpark that should serve the good people of Minnesota well for years to come.  Looking forward to a road trip there next summer…

SPEAKING OF THE METRODOME...
As I type, one can tune in the Vikings-Packers game/Brett Favre Lovefest currently taking place there on "Monday Night Football" and play my newly-patented "Brett Favre Drinking Game".  Similar to my recently-retired "John Madden Drinking Game", the Favre game is so simple a Geico advertising executive could do it.  Whenever the announcers profusely praise Favre's career achievements, take one drink.  Whenever ESPN cuts away to a reaction shot from Favre's wife in her private suite, take two drinks.  Whenever the announcers talk about how Brett wants to exact revenge on the Packers, take three drinks.  If done properly, you'll be royally-ripped by halftime!  You won't even be able to drive a golf ball, let alone a motor vehicle...

“THEY DIED OLD”, VOL. VIII—COBO ARENAIn a scene in the classic film The Big Chill, as C.C.R.’s classic “Bad Moon Rising” cranks out on the jeep radio, Kevin Kline turns to Tom Berenger and says, “Listen to those guys—God damn!  You remember the night we saw ‘em at Cobo?”  I thought about that line when I heard they were closing down Detroit’s Cobo Arena, and wondered how many other Detroiters (Detroit-ites? Detroit-ians?) have uttered similar sentiments about the many concerts that were staged at that legendary venue—everyone from Ted Nugent to The Who to Grand Funk Railroad and then some.

A pretty fair amount of Rock history took place at Cobo—Ann Arbor, MI native Bob Seger’s Live Bullet was recorded there in ‘75, as was most of Kiss’ breakthrough album Alive! the same year, and Cobo was immortalized on the back cover of the album in this pre-concert photo.  Kiss returned to the scene of the crime to tape their 1984 Animalize Live Uncensored concert video at Cobo Arena, which is often mistakenly referred to as Cobo Hall, the name of the adjacent convention center building.  And since Kiss and Cobo history were forever linked, it seemed only fitting that the Hottest Band In World played two sold-out shows last week to close the joint down before its inevitable date with the wrecking ball.  The plan, according to Gene Simmons, was to play the tracks from Alive! in sequence and make a DVD out of it, but based on the reviews I’ve seen so far, evidently they mixed the Alive! stuff with songs from their new album which is due out tomorrow, and closed (naturally) with “Detroit Rock City”.  I never got to see a concert at Cobo, but I did attend an indoor soccer game there in 1991 between the Detroit Rockers and Buffalo Blizzard.  With a capacity of around 12,000, it was surprisingly intimate and, by all appearances, Cobo must’ve been an awesome concert venue with its open-ended stage set-up and seating alignment.

Named after former Detroit mayor Albert E. Cobo, the Cobo Center complex opened in 1960 on Detroit’s riverfront, and in addition to concerts and indoor soccer, the arena portion of it served as the home of the vagabond Detroit Pistons of the NBA during the ‘60s and early ‘70s in between their tenures at Olympia Stadium and the Pontiac Silverdome, and it also housed those dreaded Michigan Stags of the old World Hockey Association for one season in 1974-75.  Unfortunately, Cobo was the scene of the infamous Nancy Kerrigan clubbing incident at the hands of Tonya Harding’s Neolithic dipshit hired thugs prior to the 1994 Winter Olympics when Cobo served as a practice figure skating rink.  Let’s hope that isn’t what Cobo Arena is best remembered for after it’s demolished to make room for expansion of the convention hall.

Jump, Blog & Wail

KISS MY (HOF) CLASS!
Get your affairs in order, ladies and gentlemen—it’s time to face your final destiny because the Apocalypse is surely nigh.  Kiss has finally been nominated for induction into the (C)Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame!  And so has ABBA!  First-timers Genesis and the Hollies even made the preliminary list.  I’m stunned that the Hall of Fame membership panelists and/or aging Rolling Stone hippies who think Leonard Cohen is a Rock star finally woke up and smelled the crappucino.  I’m still not holding my breath for The Hottest Band In The World to actually get voted in this year—these HOF buffoons will no doubt find a way to mangle things up, because their other nominees for the 2010 Class include LL Cool J, Donna Summer, Jimmy Cliff, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, the Chantels, Laura Nyro, Darlene Love and the Stooges.

Here’s my annual breakdown of the HOF candidates:  Y’all already know my feelings on Kiss and ABBA—they’re both no-brainers here.  Genesis and the Hollies are also on Top 25 list of acts who deserve to be in the Hall, so I hope they get voted this time, even if they do get in ahead of the Moody Blues, Deep Purple, Rush, Paul Revere & The Raiders, etc.  And if Kiss gets in, I think that will pave the way for many of those acts anyway.  As with R.E.M. a couple years ago, I think the Chili Peppers are a borderline choice, at best—they may well be Hall-worthy someday, just not quite yet, in my book.  But since we have to have five inductees, then I guess RHCP will have to do this time.

I’ve never gotten the whole Iggy Pop/Stooges thing—in fact, the whole Punk thing in general was all just mindless noise that never truly registered with me—but I’m not a bit surprised Iggy and the boys have been nominated.  Sorry, Iggy, but slicing up your chest with razor blades on-stage doesn’t impress me much, and frankly, I think Curly, Moe & Larry (and even Shemp) are more HOF worthy than your Stooges!  The Chantels were a black girl group that hit the Top 15 with 1958’s “Maybe” and had a couple other minor hits—nice try, but they were hardly the Supremes or even the Ronettes.  They weren’t even on a par with the Crystals, whom Darlene Love was the lead singer for on “He’s A Rebel”, and who was part of the trio Bob B. Soxx & The Blue Jeans—again nice, but nothing earth-shattering.  Laura Nyro was a fine songwriter who had a nice run in the late ‘60s composing hits like “Eli’s Coming” for Three Dog Night, “And When I Die” for Blood Sweat & Tears and “Stoney End” for Babs Streisand, as well as “Stoned Soul Picnic” and “Wedding Bell Blues” for the Fifth Dimension.  Nyro had a moderately successful solo singing career as well, so maybe—maybe—you could make a case for her being in the Hall, but if she gets in, then how is it an equally prolific songwriter and infinitely more successful performer like Neil Diamond still gets snubbed?  Come to think of it, if they think the Chantels are Hall-worthy, then why hasn’t the Fifth Dimension been nominated?  Fifth D certainly had a lot more impact on popular music than the Chantels ever could’ve dreamed of.  As for LL Cool J, Donna Summer and Jimmy Cliff—a Rapper, a Disco diva and a Reggae artist?—you gotta be kidding me!  Save them for the Rap, Disco and Reggae Halls of Fame, if they ever exist.

So, here’s who I think should get in this year:  Kiss, ABBA, Genesis, the Hollies, and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

And here’s who I think will actually get voted in this year:  The Stooges, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Genesis, Jimmy Cliff and Laura Nyro.

THE VOICE OF REASON—AGAIN!
My man, Leonard Pitts, Jr., once again gave voice to my feelings about all this criticism aimed at President Obama:  “The same folks who were complacent as President Bush spent surplus into deficit, wasted $600 billion and 4,000 American lives on the wrong war and watched an American city drown are morally outraged because the new guy wants to reform health care?”  This is what I’ve been trying to say all along—Obama may not have all the right answers, but geez Louise, let’s at least give him a little time to undo all this damage from the last eight years and beyond before declaring him the worst President ever.  He has a tough act to follow anyway…

SLEIGH BELLS RING—ARE YOU LISTENING?
During a visit to Lowe’s hardware emporium on Saturday, I was amazed (but not amused) that they already had their Christmas decorations up for sale.  On September 18th?!?  Shit, we might as well just make Xmas a year-round holiday anymore.  As Charlie Brown was known to utter:  “*SIGH*”.

MOM, WHAT’S THAT BLONDE LADY DOING?
While channel surfing on Saturday afternoon between college football games around 4:00, I stumbled across When Harry Met Sally—right smack dab in the middle of Meg Ryan’s infamous simulated orgasm scene—on ABC Family Channel.  I repeat, friggin’ ABC Family Channel!  No biggie, tho—I don’t guess there would be any impressionable young children tuned in at that hour, would there?  Nah, probably not…

HALEY COMMENT
After witnessing the sideline demeanor of Chefs head coach Todd Haley while ripping his players right and left for two games, I’ve noticed an uncanny resemblance between him and actor Ben Stiller when he guested on “Friends” as Rachel’s temperamental date who went Postal over little stuff.  I’m going to give Haley the same treatment I’m giving President Obama, since TH is still new on the job, but his ballistic sideline histrionics are already giving me cause for concern, not to mention the piss-poor play calling and even worse clock management that snatched victory away from the jaws of defeat against the train wreck that is Da Raidas on Sunday.  It may be a while before K.C. wins another football game now, in light of the murderer’s row coming up on their schedule—the Eagles, Giants, Cowboys, et al.

A WASHINGTON DIPLOMAT, HE AIN’T
One team the Chefs might have a chance against soon would be the Washington Redskins, who barely eked out a 9-7 win Sunday over the hapless St. Louis Rams, which gave ‘Skins fans rightful cause to lustily boo their own team.  This incensed one of the Washington players, rookie linebacker Robert Benson, who whipped out his Tweeter and labeled the fans a bunch of “dim-wits” who “probably work 9 to 5 at McDonald’s.”  Uhhh, Bobbo, the average McDonald’s employee can’t even afford a TV to watch the game on, let alone a ticket to one of your games, as the Redskins have one of the highest average ticket prices in the NFL.  What's really funny is those “dim-wit” McD’s employees contributed every bit as much to Sunday’s effort by the ‘Skins as Benson did—this goomer hasn’t even suited up for a game yet this season!  Best keep yer yap shut, buddy—a few more Tweets like that one, and you may well be churning out Big Macs and Egg McMuffins yourself real soon…

THE PUCK STOPPED HERE
Tuesday was Kansas City’s annual pre-season NHL game at Sprint Center, which attracted a somewhat disappointing crowd of 9,700 or so.  The low attendance probably doesn’t help K.C.’s chances of landing an NHL franchise, but then again, L.A. Kings vs. New York Islanders isn’t exactly a sexy match-up, and you have to factor the economy into the equation, not to mention the over-inflated ticket prices.  If the NHL ever actually does move a team here, I’d only be able to afford to attend one or two games a season, as would most other average hockey fans like me.  Hell, I wanted to attend Tuesday night’s game, but all they had left on TicketBastard the other day were $75 tickets, and I’m sorry, gang, I ain’t paying that kind of money for a game that don’t count.  I wouldn’t even pay that much for a game that does count, unless it was the Stanley Cup Finals.  Oh well, I already have a ticket in hand for a regular season Blackhawks game in Chicago next month during my upcoming road trip, so I’ll get my NHL fix then.  Meantime, I really wish the city would lower their expectations a skosh and try to land an American Hockey League franchise (think Triple-A level in baseball) for Sprint Center instead.  It would be a much better fit for a city of this size, and a lot more affordable for us fans, who would pack that place on the weekends like we used to do when the Blades played at Kemper Arena in the ‘90s.

ME AND JASON DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD
It didn’t take K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock (aka “The Flatulent One”) very long to resort to his typical schoolyard taunting gambit of assigning one of his childish nicknames to new Chefs General Manager Scott Pioli, the man whom JW avidly campaigned for the Chefs to hire, and whom JW now exclusively refers to as Scott Ego-li.  As I’ve stated before, it’s one thing to do a little name-calling on a blog like this—“Chefs”, “Flatulent One” or “Miss Winky-Dink” (Sarah Palin) for instance—that only a select few read.  But, it’s a whole different ballgame when commanding a six-figure salary at a major-market newspaper and representing one’s city as Whitlock does—to wit, try showing a little class for once, Jason!  In his most recent column, he wrote about Pioli’s ego:  “I’ve covered professional sports for 16 years, wrestled with ‘King’ Carl Peterson, stood toe-to-toe with drunken, delusional hostile millionaire athletes, battled Mike Lupica and irritated billionaire owners.  None of them can touch Scott Ego-li.”  Hmmm, the ever-humble and reticent Jason Whitlock taking exception to someone’s ego—that’s rich.  In the vernacular of the schoolyard, Jason, “It takes one to know one!” (And my dad can beat up your dad!)

“GET UP, AND GET JIMMY OUTTA HERE…”
Tell Gene Simmons never mind about getting Grandma outta here, because Jimmy’s workin’ TOO hard this year.  Anheuser-Busch needs to 86 this “Jimmy Football” bozo on the new Bud Light TV ads PDQ.  He’s nothing but a transparent rip-off of the late Billy Mays—the voice that launched a million mute buttons—and every bit as irritating, too.  Jimmy makes me miss the lizards and the ferret even more.  And in a bit of role reversal, this would be one of the rare times when Miller Beer actually trumps an A-B ad campaign—I love the current Miller High Life commercials with the black delivery dude and his accurate social commentary.  The best one is where he spots the hoity-toity women trackside at the horse race and exclaims, “Floppy hats at 10:00...closest to the track but farthest from reality!”  This is easily the best set of TV ads Miller has produced since the "Tastes Great/Less Filling" era.

ALL IN THE FAMILY?
Have you seen the appalling claims that actress/drug fiend MacKenzie Phillips is making about her late father, “Papa” John Phillips in her new book High On Arrival, about him having an incestuous relationship with her in the ‘70s?  Ewww!  Ewww!  Ewww!  She even claims they did the (really) dirty deed on the night before she got married in 1979.  You gotta either be totally twisted or pretty damn desperate to sell books to publish crap like this.  Up until MP’s most recent drug bust last year, I was fairly sympathetic to her plight with substance abuse, but it’s becoming pretty obvious that she’s just a colossal dumbass.  While it’s well-documented that Papa John was no angel and had a monumental drug problem himself, I find this all to be pure science fiction, and even if it is true, why go public with it now?  What good can come from this, other than a few paychecks from your publisher?  It speaks volumes that John’s ex-wife Michelle Phillips (MacKenzie’s stepmother) has quickly come out to defend him in the media.  Michelle wasn’t even on speaking terms with John for many many years before he died, yet she maintains that this is all a load of buffalo bagels, and that “MacKenzie has a lot of mental illness.  She’s had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years.  She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently.  She did ‘Celebrity Rehab’ and now she writes a book.  The whole thing is timed.”  Then again, sister Chynna Phillips believes MacKenzie is telling the truth, so who the hell knows?  Would it at least be fair to say that the Phillips clan is every bit as fucked up as the Ryan O’Neal family?

A DECADE IN WHICH I’VE DECAYED?
It was exactly ten years ago last night that I was on board a plane bound for Las Vegas en route to a six-day rendezvous with a beautiful woman of the female sex—a week that was one of the major highlights of my 45 years so far on this planet, and far and away the high point of my love life/sex life.  Wonderful memories, to be sure, which I’ve played over and over in my head a zillion times—thank you again, Stacy, for taking me places I’d never been before (or since).  Without you, I’d probably be suicidal by now.

What haunts me, however, is the complete dearth of activity in my love life since late 1999—nary even a freakin’ date with a woman (other than lunch/dinner dates with female friends), let alone any glimmers of hope of finding a new significant other, and I now find myself rustier than the Titanic.  I already covered this subject thoroughly earlier this year in my “The (Love) Life of Brian” series, so no need to re-hash here, but this current dry spell is the longest of all for me, and probably the most discouraging, because the older I get, the dimmer my prospects are for finding the woman of my dreams.  I do realize the lack of relationships and prospects is mostly my fault—I don’t get out near as much as I should, my social life is stagnant-at-best, and I’ve let myself go quite a bit, physique-wise, but still, you’d think somewhere along the line in ten years, I’d have stumbled across someone in my travels (both Internet and terrestrial) whom I might hit it off with and want to “have relations” with, but there has been no one.  Hell, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn now and then!  What precious few women that have caught my eye over that time were either co-workers, already spoken-for, had kids or were way too young for me (or any combination thereof).  What’s worse, women rarely seem to even notice me, and I almost find the indifference I usually encounter from women to be more hurtful than the sting of out-and-out rejection.  Never say never, of course, but the future sure looks bleak to me these days…

Mercy sakes alive, looks like we got ourselves a blog post!

HENRY GIBSON, 1935-2009
Sad day for “Laugh-In” fans with the passing of Henry Gibson, who died yesterday of cancer at age 73.  His real name was James Bateman, and I never knew until today that his stage name was sort of a parody of poet laureate Henrik Ibsen, hence the way HG pronounced his own name when delivering his crackpot poetry on “Laugh-In”.  Based on what I read about him in the “Laugh-In” book I recently read, as well as Judy Carne’s autobiography, Henry was a super-nice guy off-screen.  He also co-starred in the off-beat film Nashville in 1976, and was the voice of Wilbur the pig in the 1973 animated version of Charlotte’s Web.  More recently, he had recurring roles (playing judges) on both “Sabrina The Teenage Witch” and “Boston Legal”.  I was going to say that Henry was a real hoot, but that would make him “Hoot” Gibson, wouldn't it?  (Sorry, that was bad)  So long, Henry…

MARY TRAVERS, 1936-2009
The Reaper’s been busy again this week, as we also lost Mary of Peter, Paul & Mary yesterday at age 72, also of cancer (leukemia, to be precise), which she’d been struggling with for several years.  I’m not a terribly big fan of the Folk music genre, but PP&M certainly had their moments in the ‘60s, and always seem to be a staple of PBS pledge drives.  I swear, every other weekend when I tune in Channel 19 here in K.C., there’s PP&M singing “Blowin’ In The Wind”, followed by someone begging me to become a subscriber.  So long, Mary…

METHINKS JIMMY’S ON TO SOMETHING…
Former Prez Jimmy Carter was quoted this week as saying much of the criticism recently directed at current Prez Barack Obama (in particular, his health care reform proposals) is racially motivated.  I have no doubt Rush's ditto-heads and all the O’Reilly/Hannity sycophants out there have already set their phasers for stun on this issue, but I think there’s some substance to this.  I find it interesting how all this “I want my country back” vitriol has suddenly cropped up since Obama took office, yet all the stuff these people are railing against—corruption in government, apathetic (or just plain pathetic) Congressional leaders, lack of fiscal responsibility, abuses of power, immoral behavior, erosion of Constitutional rights, etc.—has been going on for decades.  Where was “I want my country back” when Cheney and Dubya were using the Constitution to line their birdcage?  Or even when Clinton or the first Bush were in office?  What has changed about our government since that time, other than the President’s skin color?

My best friend Tom, a staunch conservative, is trying to turn me on to some campaign douche-bag Glenn Beck has going called the "9-12 Project", a movement that is ostensibly “a place for you and other like-minded Americans looking for direction in taking back the control of our country.”  You can read all about it here, if you like.  One of the nine principles of this thing reads, “It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion.”  Funny, but that’s not what they were saying in the aftermath of 9/11 whenever anyone dared to question the Bush Administration on any issue—remember the mantra “You’re either with us, or against us”?  Ain’t it amazing how the Right’s values change when there’s a new sheriff in town?  These goomers all need to knock off this “I’m scared of Obama” drama queen act, too.  If Dick and Doofus didn’t already scare the hell of you for the last eight years, nothing should.

SAVE MORE, LIVE BETTER…LAUGH HARDER
A co-worker brought a dandy website to my attention the other day.  If you disdain the majority of Wal-Mart’s clientele as much as I do, you will get lots of mileage out of this site.  Be sure to read the captions for maximum effect—some are even funnier than the photos themselves.  This site leaves no doubt that there are definitely some strange rangers out there!  Let’s just hope the corporate suits at Wally-World don’t get pissy and make these guys take the site down.

MAYBE THERE IS A GOD, AFTER ALL…
While channel surfing the other night around 11:00, I noted a “South Park” rerun running in place of the “Bob & Tom” show on Chicago’s WGN.  A test pattern could draw more viewers than this reeky turd, and WGN apparently came to their senses and dropped B&T like a bad habit after just one year.  I said it before and I’ll say it again—ain’t nothing worse than listening to a couple aging hippies constantly laughing at their own lame shtick.  There’s something really warped about watching a radio show on TV, anyway…

ALL YOU NEED IS COUNTDOWNS…
While we’re still thinking about the Fab Four and just for shits and hoots, here are my Top 10 Beatle solo hits from after they broke up…

GEORGE HARRISON1) What Is Life?
2) My Sweet Lord
3) End Of The Line (Traveling Wilburys)
4) Devils Radio
5) Wah-Wah
6) You
7) Crackerbox Palace
8) This Song
9) When We Was Fab
10) Blow Away

JOHN LENNON
1) Instant Karma!
2) Imagine
3) God
4) #9 Dream
5) Whatever Gets You Through The Night
6) Watching The Wheels
7) Give Peace A Chance
8) Woman
9) Mind Games
10) Cleanup Time

PAUL McCARTNEY
1) Live And Let Die
2) Jet
3) Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey
4) Hi Hi Hi
5) Junior’s Farm
6) Give Ireland Back To The Irish
7) Helen Wheels
8) Listen To What The Man Said
9) Take It Away
10) [tie] Let Me Roll It/Nineteen-Hundred Eighty-Five

RINGO STARR
1) It Don’t Come Easy
2) Photograph
3) Oh My My
4) You’re Sixteen
5) (It’s All Down To) Goodnight Vienna
6) Snookeroo
7) Back Off Boogaloo
8) No No Song
9) I’m The Greatest
10) Only You (And You Alone)

IT’S HARD TO BE HUMBLE
And for Cincinnati Bungholes receiver Chad “Ochocinco”, it’s damn near impossible.  Seems that Ocho-Stinko is talking trash this week about taking a “Lambeau Leap” this Sunday in Green Bay if he happens to score a TD—and that’s a BIG if these days.  I can only hope the Cheeseheads knock his freakin’ fat head off if he does.  Hey Chad, I have a better idea—why don’t you take a flying leap instead…

BA-DE-AH-DE-AH-DE-AH, DANCIN’ IN SEPTEMBER…
The Kansas City Royals suddenly have this penchant for playing well in September.  After sucking eggs for most of last season, they went 18-8 in the ninth month of ‘08.  This season has yielded similar results and so far this month, they’re 9-6.  Meanwhile, the Chefs haven’t won in September for a couple years, so I suggest a new strategy—let the Royals play from September to January while the Chefs play during spring and summer.  K.C. will be Titletown, USA in no time flat…

RIGHTEOUS BUCKS
I find it highly laughable that the University of Mizzou has the nerve to charge $29.95 to watch their non-conference football games against Bowling Green and Furman on Pay-Per-View TV.  Hell, for another ten bucks, you can get in your car and go watch the games in person!  Even better, you can save your money and watch the rerun for free on Fox Sports Net like I did last night.  I could see ten bucks, maybe, if you really wanted to watch the game live on the tube, but 30 smackers is a joke.

IS IT JUST ME…
…or do all of Jennifer Aniston’s movies seem the same?  She has yet another romantic comedy due out this week called Love Happens, and based on the previews, it’s a safe bet that Jen ain’t breaking any new ground here.  Love her to death, but couldn’t she at least try playing something else besides some pretty boy’s and/or gay guy's love interest in her films?  It ain’t like she can’t afford to take a chance—she’s well-paid—and it would be fun to see her play, for instance, a total bitch or a psycho or something.  Kate Winslet, Renee Zellweger and even the grossly-overrated Julia Roberts manage to take on a variety of characters in their movies, so why can’t JA?  Another observation I recently made on Jen:  During the “Friends” days, didn’t she seem just a tad over-tanned for someone living in New York City in the dead of winter?

DÉJÀ VU ALL OVER AGAIN
Is it just me, or do all of Michael Moore’s movies seem the same?  He has yet another documentary flick due out soon called Capitalism:  A Love Story, and based on the previews, it’s a safe bet that Mikey ain’t breaking any new ground here.  I used to like him a lot, but all his rabble-rousing just for the sake of rabble-rousing is starting to wear a little thin on me, and I find myself questioning his credibility and substance a lot now.  He tends to twist the facts in much the same way that right-wing shills like the Faux News Channel crowd do to justify his claims.  I think Moore means well, but his act is getting very stale.

Sometimes I feel like I'm tied to the blogging post

Fortunately, I don’t feel like I’m dying!

PATRICK SWAYZE, 1952-2009
While waiting at the checkstand at the grocery store last night, I found myself glaring at a sleazy tabloid rag that read ‘Patrick Swayze goes home to die’ and thought to myself, “Well, he must be doing better if that’s the lie they’re publishing.”  Guess the sleazoids finally got one right, after all.  While I wouldn’t quite rank Swayze up there with screen legends like Tom Hanks or Clint Eastwood, he definitely had his moments—good actor, decent personality, and was willing to take risks, like playing a drag queen in To Wong Foo….  Dare I say it?  THAT took some balls!  Dirty Dancing was his pinnacle of success, of course, or maybe it was Ghost, although I have to admit I’ve never watched that one all the way through.  Swayze was much older than I realized, too—he was already 35 when he did Dirty Dancing (playing a guy in his mid-‘20s), and up until he got sick recently, he looked at lot closer to my age (45) than 57.  Strange irony, too, that in a guest appearance on "M*A*S*H" in the early ‘80s, Swayze played a soldier who was diagnosed with terminal leukemia.  Done way too soon.

SPEAKING OF PEOPLE WHO DIED (DIED)…
Psuedo-Punk singer Jim Carroll, who wrote and sang the infamous “People Who Died” in 1980 qualified for his own song over the weekend.  I seem to remember that song got a lot of airplay on the old KY-102 here in K.C. right up until John Lennon was killed, then suddenly it wasn’t quite so funny anymore—not that it ever really was all that funny, anyway.  Later, Jim…

THE FAB 25(S)
While we’re still on this Beatles kick and since I ranked their LPs last week, it seems only fitting to rank their Top 25 songs.  Only thing is, since their musical style changed so radically over the eight years or so they were active, I find it kinda weird comparing “I Am The Walrus” and “She Loves You”, so I prefer to do two sets of rankings, one for the early straight-ahead Rock ‘N’ Roll period (aka Beatlemania) and their later more experimental studio years.  And it's no indictment on certain songs if they didn't make my lists (like "Twist And Shout", "Ticket To Ride", "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" or "While My Guitar Gently Weeps")—it just means there's so many more songs that I like even better.  So without further ado, I give you my favorite Beatle tunes:

The Mop-Top Years
1) I Feel Fine
2) I Saw Her Standing There
3) She Loves You
4) Matchbox
5) Paperback Writer
6) Eight Days A Week
7) Can’t Buy Me Love
8) Please Please Me
9) You Can’t Do That
10) A Hard Day’s Night
11) Day Tripper
12) She’s A Woman
13) Rock And Roll Music
14) I Want To Hold Your Hand
15) (tie) Kansas City/Long Tall Sally
16) Help!
17) Tell Me Why
18) Roll Over Beethoven
19) If I Fell
20) The Night Before
21) I Should Have Known Better
22) Boys
23) It Won't Be Long
24) All My Loving
25) This Boy

The Moustache Years
1) Magical Mystery Tour
2) Hey Jude
3) A Day In The Life
4) Helter Skelter
5) If I Needed Someone
6) Get Back (Let It Be album version)
7) Back In The U.S.S.R.
8) I Am The Walrus
9) Lovely Rita
10) Dr. Robert
11) Sgt. Pepper/With A Little Help From My Friends
12) Birthday
13) Lady Madonna
14) Abbey Road segue ("Because" through "The End")
15) Revolution (single version)
16) All You Need Is Love
17) Tomorrow Never Knows
18) Hello Goodbye
19) Taxman
20) She Said She Said
21) Something
22) Here Comes The Sun
23) The Ballad Of John & Yoko
24) Nowhere Man
25) Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds

And while I’m at it…
The Bottom 10
1) Long Long Long
2) Wild Honey Pie
3) Good Morning, Good Morning
4) Savoy Truffle
5) Piggies
6) Maggie Mae
7) Revolution 9
8) Love You To
9) Within You, Without You
10) Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

And I must make a revision on my Beatles album list—I now place Abbey Road at #1 and Revolver at #2.  I’d forgotten that Revolver got points off for George Harrison’s sitar song, “For You To”.  Sorry, kids, but sitars grate on me the same way accordions and bagpipes grate on other listeners.  However, Revolver still ranks #1 one for best Beatles album cover, followed by Abbey Road, With The Beatles, Sgt. Pepper and Rubber Soul, in that order.  Honorable mention goes to the 1976 Rock ‘N’ Roll Music compilation album as well.

THIS COULD BE HEAVEN OR THIS COULD BE HELL
I just finished reading the autobiography of former Eagles guitarist Don Felder, Heaven And Hell, and found it most enlightening.  Beforehand, I knew very little about the early days of the band—in particular original guitarist/banjo player Bernie Leadon and bassist Randy Meisner—let alone Felder himself, whom his friend Leadon recruited into the band during the On The Border sessions in 1974.  Now that I know more about the role he played in the band, it’s apparent that Don Felder is a much better guitarist than I ever gave him credit for being.  He’s the one who masterminded the Eagles’ most famous song, “Hotel California”, and is more prominent on most of their big hits from 1976 onward than I realized—I always assumed the ever-enigmatic Joe Walsh was their main man on guitar during that time.

The Eagles started off as an equal partnership, but as time wore on, money, fame and drugs (not necessarily in that order) corrupted co-founders Glenn Frey and Don Henley, and they essentially lorded over the band—they were “The Gods” as Felder often refers to them in the book.  One-by-one, DH and GF basically kicked Leadon, Meisner and Felder to the curb over the years when those three ceased kissing their butts.  While I respect Mr. Henley as a songwriter and absolutely love some of his stuff (“Dirty Laundry”, “Get Over It”, “Man With A Mission”, “The Heart Of The Matter”, “New York Minute”, et al), I’ve long suspected he was an arrogant dick, which Felder confirms in his book.  However, I was mildly surprised to learn that Mr. Frey is an even bigger douche than Henley, based on Felder’s words.  By most outward appearances, Frey always seemed like an alright guy to me, but then again, I never followed the Eagles all that closely back in the day.  Hell, Frey and Henley can barely stand each other, which goes a long way in explaining why the only thing that seems to motivate them to tour or make a new record these days is a huge payday.  It’s amazing such a dysfunctional band could put out any music at all, much less such top-shelf stuff like the Eagles did in the ‘70s.  They definitely did not take their own advice and “Take It Easy”.

IF YOU LIKE IT, THEN YOU BETTER PUT A SOCK IN IT
What a classy act that Kanye West is, huh?  Okay, I don’t even know who this Taylor Swift is, nor did I see what took place at the MTV Video Music Awards the other night, but I already know enough about this clown to know it’s been blatantly obvious for years now this race-baiter needs to be taken out and spanked repeatedly.  And good moogily-woogily, President Obama (accurately) called Kanye a “jackass” today off-the-record, and quickly felt the need to apologize for his remark.  Why?!?  Just another example of the Continuing Pussification of America—you can’t even call out a jackass anymore when they deserve it in our Politically Correct society.

By the way, since when did eMpTV start caring about videos again, anyway?  What kills me about this whole dust-up is the video West so fervently campaigned for, Beyonce’s “Singles Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” is gawdawful.  Beyonce is a good-looking woman, no question, but the way she and her posse of hoochie-mama pals shimmy and shake throughout the video makes them look like a bunch of skanks.  There’s a big difference between classy-sexy and slutty-sexy.  Shania Twain is classy-sexy in her videos, and apart from the regrettable “Love Is A Battlefield”, Pat Benatar was classy-sexy in hers too.  For the most part, Pink and Britney Spears are slutty-sexy, as are Beyonce and her friends, big-time, in “Put A Ring On It”.  Stupid song, too—“if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it”?!?  How ‘bout I test-drive it, first, mmm-kay?

SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO ME…
What’s the deal with the dates on magazines?  Yesterday (September 14), I was leafing through the September 14, 2009 issue of Newsweek, which hit newsstands and mailboxes on like September 8th.  Why doesn’t the issue date ever match the date the thing actually comes out?  I never have understood that…

“WOO-WOO-WOOOOOOOO—MR. BREES!”
I’m off to fast starts both in my weekly pigskin prognostications (I went 14-2 in Week One of the NFL) and with my fantasy team, the Sweet Bippies, who trounced my worthy opponent by almost 80 points, thanks to the efforts of the Saints’ Drew Brees (6 friggin’ TD passes!), Minnesota’s Adrian Peterson and Thomas Jones of the Jets.  Feels good to have football season in full swing again, both the colleges and the pros.  Naturally, I was quite pleased to see Notre Dame lose to Michigan, and that the Chefs actually showed up in Baltimore on Sunday (and even led the game at one point in the second half), but a bit concerned that Missouri had to come from behind to beat Bowling Green on Saturday.  I was also tickled to watch Jay Cutler lay an egg for the Bears on Sunday night, after all the hype in Chicago about him this off-season.  Be careful what you wish for, Bears fans—I thought he was overrated at Denver, and you guys may be in for a big letdown this season.

Oh, one more thing, youse “Maize and Blue” Michigan people—why can’t you just admit that your team wears YELLOW and blue?

BEAM ME UP, SCOTTY—I’VE SEEN THEM ALL
I guess I now qualify as an official Trekkie, having made it through each and every episode of the original “Star Trek” TV series on DVD as of last weekend.  In the process, I noticed a goof.  In the film Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan when good ol’ Khan encounters Chekov, he calls him by name—and it sounds like he says, “Jackoff”!  Just one problem, Mr. Chekov didn’t appear in the original Khan episode, “Space Seed”, so how could our man Mr. Roarke have known who he was?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #120
“You Got Me Floatin’”—Jimi Hendrix Experience (1968)  “Your daddy’s cool, and your mama’s no fool…”  The first few times I heard this one, I thought Jimi thought mama was “no good”.  One of the more underrated Hendrix tunes, all the same…

DON’T BOTHER ROCKIN’…PLEASE!
Another arcane phrase that needs to be banished from our culture is this “Rockin’ the-this” and “Rockin’ the-that” stuff that refers to wearing, using or enjoying something, as in “He’s Rockin’ the shades” or “She’s Rockin’ the Birkenstocks” (ewww), “He’s Rockin’ the lawn mower”, or “She’s Rockin’ the latte”, etc.  Nothing wrong with “Rockin’ the house”, “Rockin’ the boat” or even “Rockin the Paradise”, but this shit makes Theo Huxtable’s “Jammin' on the one” actually sound cool by comparison.

Shaddup, baby, I'm tryin' to blog!

NOW, WAS THAT SO TERRIBLE?
Hate to tell all youse righties I told ya so, but I read the transcript of President O’s school kid speech yesterday, and there was nothing even remotely political, subversive or Socialist about it, contrary to all the asinine fear-mongering perpetrated by the very wrong Right last week.  Obama delivered the speech pretty much as advertised—he urged kids to focus on excelling in school, getting good grades and just being good citizens in general—and even Über-Righty Newt Gingrich praised it as a fine address to America’s young people.  Still, I’m sure this won’t stop the dreaded paranoids from claiming shit like, “But if you play the speech backwards, that damn Obama says stuff like ‘Kill your parents’ or that if you take out every other word, he’s really promoting his Communist agenda...” or some such nonsense.

When I posted my remarks on Facebook yesterday, my conservative best friend of 31 years still countered with some crap from 1991 where the Democrats were dogging on Pappy Bush for giving a similar speech directed at school kids.  Okay, fine, both parties are guilty of playing dirty since the dawn of time, but does that justify the demonizing of Obama and all the ignorant recent statements by conservative politicians like “This is something you’d expect to see in North Korea or Saddam Hussein’s Iraq.”?  I think not.  This whole episode is precisely why I cannot take the Republican Party (in its current state) seriously—they came off here appearing far more petty and childish than most of the kids this friggin’ speech was aimed at in the first place.  If I were a Republican, I’d be embarrassed as hell right about now...

REELIN’ IN THE YEARS?
According to Kansas City Star sportswriter Randy Covitz in today’s edition: “It was 50 years ago tonight—Sept. 9, 1960—when…the American Football League kicked off its first season.”  Wait a minute, Chester!  If I'm not mistaken, 2009 minus 1960 = 49.  Either that, or it's Sept. 9, 2010 and I’m now 46 years old—my my, where has the time gone?!?  Seriously, while I think it’s great that the NFL is celebrating the dawn of the AFL, I think they’re jumping the gun a bit here. I mean, you wouldn’t celebrate your 45th birthday when you were still 44, would you?

I’ve never understood why these round-number anniversaries are always celebrated a year too early.  For instance, the Kiss “10th Anniversary Tour” happened in 1983, even though their touring history began (for all intents and purposes) after their debut album was released in early, 1974.  The Kansas City Chiefs celebrated the 40th anniversary of the franchise in 1999, even though it began in 1960 (in Dallas, no less), and they didn’t arrive in K.C. until ‘63.  Maybe I’m splitting hairs here, but it seems to me the 40th anniversary Chiefs thing should’ve actually been in 2003.  At least the Royals got it right by commemorating their 40th anniversary this season.  And next year, they get to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the last time they were relevant…

THE ROYAL SCAM
Speaking of our local Major League entry, I don’t know how accurate this is, but I heard one of the local radio sports yakkers yesterday say that the Kansas City Royals’ current Major League payroll (including September call-ups from the minors) actually exceeds the St. Louis Cardinals’ payroll by $2 million!  And guess which team’s going to the playoffs and guess who’s feeding the worms.  Something ain’t right here in K.C., that’s for sure.  Look at Tampa Bay—while they’re probably going to miss the playoffs this year coming off their World Series appearance in ‘08, they’ll still most likely have another winning season, proving that last year was no fluke and that it’s possible for bottom-feeders like the Royals to improve their lot in life.  So at this point, I don’t want to hear about all that “small market” disadvantage crap anymore.  At least the Royals have wisely decided not to raise ticket prices for next season.

You also have to tip your hat to the Redbirds’ front office people—they always field a winner (only one last-place finish in the last 40 years) and they know where to find the right talent.  Hell, the Cardinals won it all in 2006, but three years later, there are only four players who were on that roster (Albert Pujols, Cris Carpenter, Adam Wainwright and Yadier Molina), yet here they are again poised to make another run at a title with virtually a whole new team.  What’s scarier is the 2009 Cardinals are far superior to that World Champion 2006 squad.  Meantime, all we do here in K.C. is “rebuild” while St. Louis merely reloads!  Come on Royals, get your shit together in the off-season, for once…

I THINK THEY PASSED THE AUDITION ALREADY…
I've always thought these Entertainment Weekly people were full of shit, now I'm convinced.  Witness their ranking of The Beatles studio LPs:

1) Revolver
2) Rubber Soul
3) White Album
4) Abbey Road
5) A Hard Day's Night
6) Beatles For Sale7) Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
8) Help!
9) With The Beatles
10) Past Masters
11) Let It Be
12) Please Please Me
13) Magical Mystery Tour
14) Yellow Submarine

Okay, I have no quarrel with Revolver at #1—it's one of my favorites—but the White Album ahead of Abbey Road?!?  Beatles for Sale in front of Sgt. Pepper? Whatchutalkinbout, Willis?!?  Entertainment Weakly contradicts themselves in their little write-up anyway, saying that the White Album is admittedly loaded with filler tracks, while deeming Abbey Road to be "near perfection", yet it finished behind the White Album on their list—makes no sense.  And how can Sgt Pepper not be in the top three, let alone behind Beatles For Sale, which might have been the most uninspired Beatle album ever, apart from Let It Be?  One look at their faces on the album jacket of For Sale shows how exhausted they were by Beatlemania and in need of a long break.  With The Beatles should've been higher up on the list as well—it was easily the best of their early albums.

Only about half of the White Album was worth releasing, and it would've been sooo much better if they'd just put out a single album comprised of the best tracks, instead of the double-LP we all know.  As good as it was, there was a lot of crap on the White Album that wouldn't have made the cut on a Beatles single-LP, and I could've done without the obvious throwaway tracks like "Long, Long, Long", "Savoy Truffle", "Why Don‘t We Do It In The Road", "Cry Baby Cry", "Wild Honey Pie", "Revolution #9", etc.

I’ve always thought Rubber Soul was a skosh overrated too, but that’s just me.  Here are my rankings:

1) Revolver
2) Abbey Road
3) Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
4) With The Beatles
5) A Hard Days Night
6) Rubber Soul
7) Help!
8) Please Please Me
9) The White Album
10) Magical Mystery Tour
11) Let It Be
12) Beatles For Sale
13) Yellow Submarine

[NOTE: Past Masters doesn’t make my list because compilations and greatest hits packages don’t count in my book!]

As for the newly-released re-mastered CDs, what’s the point?  There’s nothing wrong with what’s already been released, IMHO.  Just another excuse to get people to buy Beatles music all over again, I guess.  And how come they never saw fit to release The Beatles At The Hollywood Bowl on CD with all the other ones?  That album came out on vinyl in 1977 and while not the greatest record in the world, it was still an interesting documentary of the height of Beatlemania, if nothing else.  I’m also mildly surprised they didn’t cut a deal with Wal-Mart for exclusive rights to sell the new Beatles CD, just like the Eagles, AC/DC and Kiss have.  Have I ever mentioned that I loathe Wal-Mart? Wal-Mart, to me, is like the Fox News Channel of retail stores (whereas Target is, say, CNN), and I avoid it like the Plague.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Is it just me, or does it seem really crass that State Farm Insurance is currently using Michael Jackson’s vocal track from “I’ll Be There” in their TV ads?  Seems to me that this ain’t the appropriate time to be using the “King Of Pop” for any sort of advertising, but State Fart—er uh—Farm apparently has no shame.

PICKS THAT CLICK
My pigskin prognostications for 2009 are in!

AFC Division winners:  San Diego, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New England
AFC Wildcards:  Baltimore, Tennessee
AFC Champ:  Pittsburgh
NFC Division winners:  Arizona, Green Bay, New Orleans, Philadelphia
NFC Wildcards:  Carolina, N.Y. Giants;
NFC Champ:  Philadelphia
Super Bowl XLIV:  Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia
Champion:  Pittsburgh—one for the other pinkie!

Remember, folks, ya heard it here first!

HE’S A PICKIN’…AND HE’S A-GRINNIN’!
I was listening to U2 at work today and was reminded of a story involving a good friend of mine who used to do maintenance at one of the major hotels in K.C. back in the late ‘80s around the time U2 was headlining at Arrowhead Stadium.  My friend John boarded the hotel elevator one fine day and encountered Bono carrying a guitar in a case.  Now, John—a major Country music fan—didn’t know Bono from Bozo, but upon seeing his guitar, his natural reflex was to say, “Gonna do some pickin’?”  “Yeah, probably,” Bono replied politely.  Imagine John’s surprise the next morning when he saw Bono’s mug all over the front page of the newspaper…

JUST ANOTHER TEQUILA SNOW JOB…
Not that I give a rat’s scrotum or anything about this tattooed reality show skank who San Diego Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman is now accused of strangling, but I’d dearly love to know how you can go around calling yourself Tila Tequila and yet claim you’re “allergic to alcohol”…

SEPARATED AT BIRTH?
Just coincidence of course, but these two “Giant A” Anheuser-Busch signs do look mighty similar.  The one in color is located alongside U.S. 40/I-64 west of downtown St. Louis near St. Louis University.











The other once sat atop the main scoreboard at old Sportsman’s Park in St. Louis.  The presence of Kansas City and Brooklyn in the out-of-town scores tells us this pic (click to enlarge) had to have been taken between 1955 and 1957, the only three years when both cities were in the Major Leagues simultaneously.  These Buds are for you!

Keep on bloggin' in the free world...

WELCOME TO SILLYVILLE!
Now all the righties have their collective panties in a wad over the upcoming speech President O. plans to deliver next week to school kids.  Apparently, Obama plans to encourage kids to focus on their education, get good grades and stay in school—what an ass he is!  Sample a bit of the bilge water, if you dare:

—"As far as I am concerned, this is not civics education—it gives the appearance of creating a cult of personality," said Oklahoma state Sen. Steve Russell.  "This is something you'd expect to see in North Korea or in Saddam Hussein's Iraq.”
You’re reaching a bit, there, ain’t ya, Comrade Steve?

—PTA council president Cara Mendelsohn said Obama is "cutting out the parent" by speaking to kids during school hours.  "Why can't a parent be watching this with their kid in the evening?" Mendelsohn said.  "Because that's what makes a powerful statement, when a parent is sitting there saying, 'This is what I dream for you.  This is what I want you to achieve.'"
Yeah, right, like the average American parent is actually going to sit down with their kid and listen to the President speak when they can be Twittering or watching “American Idol” or “Jon & Kate”—what parallel universe are you living in?  Meantime, what's wrong with the teachers giving some guidance about what the Pres. sez?  After all, that's what we taxpayers are paying them to do.

—"Nobody seems to know what he's going to be talking about," Texas Governor Rick Perry said.  "Why didn't he spend more time talking to the local districts and superintendents, at least give them a heads-up about it?"
Uhhh, I believe the plan has been pretty much laid out.  He’s supposed to talk about the importance of education, mmm-kay?

—In Florida, GOP chairman Jim Greer released a statement that he was "absolutely appalled that taxpayer dollars are being used to spread President Obama's socialist ideology.”
Yes, when taxpayer dollars could better be wasted on voting machines that actually count the freakin’ votes, eh, Jim?

Okay, I know I sound like an Obama sycophant here, but let me assure you I’m not.  I’m not saying he has all the answers—hell, he may not even have any of the answers, but good gravy, the guy’s been in office all of seven months and change—he needs more time than that to undo eight years worth of the Village Idiot’s FUBARs!  If nothing else, couldn’t y’all at least hold off until AFTER Obama delivers this blasted speech before criticizing it?

This is just more sour grapes because their guy lost in November—get over it, people!  It’s merely more typical right-wing “let’s distort the facts and just make up a bunch of shit” paranoia being spread to deflect attention away from the real story—to wit, this is this week’s version of Sarah Palin’s “death panels”.  Relax, folks, there will be no need to de-program your kids after the speech—Obama’s not going to turn your precious offspring into Stepford wives or Manson followers, or even Democrats!  It’s like these righty wing-nuts only hear what they want to hear, and you can bet your 1,000 Points of Light that if either of the Bushes gave a speech like this to students, there’d be no controversy, would there?  And, heaven forbid you’d want your kids to listen to the President of the United States, by God, when there are far more influential voices for them to listen to such as Hannah Montana, Jon & Kate, Pink, Jay-Z, Octomom, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Brad & Angelina and the Jonas Brothers, et al, right?

JUST TO REMAIN “FAIR AND BALANCED”…
Lest ye righties think I’m too much of a lefty (which I’m not), might I also say it’s time to let Ted Kennedy finally rest.  Don’t mean to sound disrespectful here, but there have been more than enough glowing tributes and remembrances in the past week, and I’m just about all Kennedied-out.  Same goes for Michael Jackson, who is now finally six feet under, a good two months after his untimely demise.  Time to let go, folks—life goes on…

Then again, Teddy only had one state funeral, unlike the three or four they held for Reagan—on the taxpayer’s dime, of course (right, GOP Chairman Greer from Florida?).  Just thought I’d throw that out…

BUDDY BLATTNER, 1920-2009
Legendary baseball announcer Robert Garnett “Buddy” Blattner passed away yesterday of lung cancer in suburban St. Louis at the age of 89.  He was best known for pairing with Hall of Famer Dizzy Dean on St. Louis Browns broadcasts and Mutual Radio in the ‘50s.  Buddy was also the original #1 announcer in Royals history, teaming with Denny Matthews from 1969-75, and in turn, he was the first play-by-play man I ever listened to when I was a kid.  It’s been a long time since I’ve heard his voice, but I remember he was a really good guy.  He retired at a relatively early age for baseball announcers, 55, mostly because he was burned-out on all the travel involved, and it sounds like he had a pretty nice retirement.  Rest in peace, Buddy…

I’VE GOT A REALLY BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS…
Just like last year, the Kansas City Chefs have shown me absolutely nothing in the preseason to give any hope of a winning season.  I don’t necessarily care if they win any of these sham exhibition games—they didn’t—but I’d like to at least see some progress on offense, and so far, it almost appears they’ve regressed instead.  And while I was initially excited when the team hired head coach Todd Haley, now I’m wondering if it was the correct move.  I’m trying to give TH the benefit of the doubt, but there’s a big difference between being an in-your-face disciplinarian coach and being arrogant, and so far, Haley comes across as the latter, especially after firing offensive coordinator Chan Gailey last week.  Just as well, though, I couldn’t see those two big egos peacefully co-existing for long, anyway.  Meantime, based on their schedule, this team will be lucky to scratch out three wins this season.  I actually kinda miss Herm Edwards, all of a sudden…

SPEAKING OF HERM…
I find his participation in the latest round of these lame Coors Light “post-game press conference” TV ads a bit disingenuous—I thought alcohol was a big no-no with Super Christians like Herm.  I’m not saying Christians can’t have beer now and then, but we’re talking about the same guy for whom Fox Sports’ “Best Damn Sports Show…” had to briefly change it name to “Best Darn…” for him to appear on it because Herm abhors cursing of any kind.  Sheeeeit, I don’t guess Herm would enjoy reading my blog much, huh?  And Coors Light?!?  Herm, baby, if you’re gonna do a beer commercial, at least raise your standards a little.  Coors Light is the basic equivalent of rhino piss on tap!  Don’t ask me how I know that…

SPEAKING OF WIZ…
A memo to the Kansas City Wizards:  Ya can’t win if ya don’t score!  Our not-so-mighty Major League Soccer entry has been shut out in its last four matches—to wit, they’re scoring every bit as often as I have in the last ten years!  This scoreless streak also coincides with the firing of head coach Curt Onalfo, which tells us that their poor showing this season wasn’t necessarily his fault.  And by the way, whatever happened to the mythical new Wizards soccer stadium?  Every day on the way to work, I drive by the site where it’s supposed be going up, and I still see nothing but Bannister Mall rubble.  Let’s get it up, fellas, both on and off the field!

KANSAS CITY STAR—THAT’S WHAT I ARE
K.C. has a new bassit-ball team, for whatever it’s worth, the new Kansas City Stars of the American Basketball Association.  I don’t know why this rinky-dink league—which shares nothing with the old ABA of the ‘70s apart from its name and red-white-and-blue game ball—keeps trying to exist by fielding teams comprised of nothing but has-beens, Washington Generals rejects and out-of-shape Shaq and Kobe wanna-bes.  We had a team here previously called the Knights that did fairly well earlier in the decade, but the rest of the new ABA had franchises coming and going on a weekly basis, many of them playing their home games in high school gyms, YMCAs, Wal-Mart parking lots, old folks homes—basically any place that would have them.  I’ve never understood why they can never seem to organize minor league basketball the way baseball and hockey does their minor leagues.  Seems to me we could have a really first-rate farm system for the NBA that could play in markets that don’t have NBA franchises, like K.C., St. Louis, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Birmingham, Omaha, etc., and really make a go of it if they’d market the thing properly.

GO WITH THE FLO
I recently read a biography of late Supremes singer Florence Ballard, whose story was the loose basis for the musical and film Dreamgirls.  Unlike Dreamgirls, there was no happy ending for Flo, who got screwed big-time at pretty much every turn after she was fired from the Supremes, especially by Motown founder Berry Gordy, Jr., who had a perpetual hard-on for Diana Ross and totally ignored Ms. Ballard’s talent.  Gordy is an important figure in music history, no question, but there’s a lot of dirt under his rug and he basically fucked a lot of people over along the way.  Not to diminish what Diana Ross did in her career, but let’s be honest, she’s a bit of a whack job and her voice has all the depth of a thimble.  Of the three original Supremes, Flo Ballard was far and away the best singer and had the most soulful voice, but rarely ever got to sing lead.  I’ve only heard her a couple of times myself, but I was impressed with what I did hear, like “Ain’t That Good News”. In fact, Flo sounded a bit like Ross’ replacement in the Supremes, Jean Terrell, who sang on early ‘70s hits like “Up The Ladder To The Roof” and “Stoned Love”.

By 1967, Flo was tired of being overshadowed by "Miss Ross" and let it be known, and Gordy basically kicked her to the curb and got her to sign a bad severance deal and things unraveled from that point on in her life, including an attempt at a solo career in the ‘70s on ABC Records.  Lawsuit after lawsuit wore Flo down over time, and she started drinking heavily, and she eventually wound up on welfare with three kids to support.  She died of a heart attack in February, 1976 at age 32—done way too soon.  She deserved a whole lot better, too…

"THEY DIED YOUNG"—VOL. IV
Another fairly young sports venue is biting the dust this summer, Reunion Arena in Dallas.  Prior to Reunion’s opening in 1980, Big D never really had a full-size indoor sports facility, instead relying on smaller venues like Moody Coliseum and Memorial Auditorium and Fort Worth’s Tarrant County Convention Center Arena for hockey, basketball and concerts.  Located right next door to Reunion Tower, the arena saw the debut of the NBA’s expansion Dallas Mavericks in ’80 and the NHL’s Minnesota North Stars moved there in 1992 to become the just plain “Stars”.  Indoor soccer was a hit there as well, with Tatu and the Dallas Sidekicks holding court at Reunion during the late ‘80s/early ‘90s.  In June of 2000, my boys the New Jersey Devils won their second Stanley Cup there in Game 6 over the Stars on Jason Arnott’s game-winning goal in OT.  Ironically, Arnott later went on to play for Dallas.  A couple months after that, I saw The Who play an outstanding show at Reunion on a hot August night, in what turned out to be the last time I got to see the late John Entwistle perform live in concert.  I was very impressed with the building that night as well—very clean concourses, great sight lines and comfortable seats.

Alas, Reunion Arena suffered from that common malady shared by other ’80s arenas before it like the already-demolished Charlotte Coliseum and Miami Arena—lack of luxury suites for the corporate fat cats to feed their faces in.  Although it did host concerts and rodeos and serve as the home of the Big 12 Women’s basketball tournaments in recent years, RA’s days became numbered when the fancy American Airlines Arena with all its bells and whistles (and Mark Cuban) took over as the major indoor sports venue in Dallas.  They took a rather unique approach in demolishing Reunion by tearing everything out but the roof, saving it for last.  Brilliant strategy, when you think about it—the wrecking crew no doubt needed as much shade from the searing Texas sun as they could get.  And given the “Everything’s bigger in Texas” credo, I say leave the roof up and create the world’s largest carport!

I got my answer--sadly...

While I still have mixed opinions about Facebook and whether or not I'm staying on it for the long haul, one very cool thing about it is I've been able to re-connect with a couple of my old radio buddies from 20 years ago.  Over the weekend, I asked one of them if he had heard from my man "Easy" Earl Harris, whom I'd lost track of about ten years ago.  Well, out of the clear blue sky, today I received a note from one of Earl's daughters in response to the blog post I did about Earl a couple years ago.  It actually helps to read Great Moments In Radio, Vol. V first before continuing on here.

Anyway, she wrote: "Mr. Holland, I wanted to respond to your Great Moments in Radio, Vol. V.  My name is Tija Jackson and I am the oldest daughter of Earl Harris.  I moved my father here with me in Kentucky several years ago to pursue his radio career.  He was very successful here on the Gospel, R&B and Hip Hop stations as Easy Earl and Brother Earl.  About 3 years ago my father had a stroke and it caused him to lose most of his memory as well as his Barry White voice.  In fact he had to learn how to speak all over again.  Although he has retained some memory and his voice, he has (in his words), "Lost my music".  It is so sad because music was his motivation and now he is just going through the motions, pretty much giving up on everything.  So when I read your article to my father he remembered the Prince of Darkness and I actually saw some light in his eyes.  He made me print a copy of this article so he can have it, he doesn't comprehend what he reads so he has me read to him.  This may be his bedtime story for some time now.  So Thank You, for Remembering my father."

Wow, what can I say?  It sickens me to hear what Earl has been through.  He got his nickname for a reason—he's one of the most easy-going people you'll ever meet, and even when life would knock him down, he'd dust himself off, get back up smiling and get back in the race.  It certainly blows my mind that my words somehow might be giving him a lift now.  I've often questioned (and been questioned) why I spend/waste so much time doing this blog.  I confess total self-indulgence on my part, but if it's helping an old friend even one iota in his time of need, then it's been totally worth it.

Thanks so much, Tija, for your note, and I appreciate your taking the time to write and give me an update on your father.  Earl, my friend, I miss you and hope there are better days ahead in your life—you're too good a man to be down for long.  Whenever I hear the word "patio" I think of you and your mighty "KKJO Patio".  I still have the Captain Comet ballcap you had made for me back in the day too.  Hang in there, my man, and keep getting better.  Long live the Prince of Darkness and the KKJO Patio!

Your friend,
Captain Comet

And Morgul as the friendly blog...

TED KENNEDY, 1932-2009
Sen. Ted Kennedy is one of those public figures that people either really love or really hate, but I honestly don’t have that big of an opinion on him one way or the other, apart from being really weary of the whole “Kennedy mystique” thing and wondering how on earth Teddy skated on the Chappaquiddick scandal—if that happened today, he’d be out of office faster than you can say Blagojevich.  Whenever I hear TK's name, I often think of the Styx song that James “J.Y.” Young wrote in 1979 called “Eddie”, where JY tried to discourage him from running for President in ’80 against Jimmy Carter for fear he’d be cut down in his prime just as his brothers were.  Kennedy ran anyway, but gave up when he realized he wouldn’t beat Carter for the nomination, and even if he had, I doubt if he’d have beaten Reagan anyhow.  Strange irony too, that Kennedy died within just a couple weeks of the other famous Ted Kennedy, the NHL Hall of Famer known as “Teeder”, who died on August 14th.

LARRY KNECHTEL, 1940-2009
You probably don’t know the name, but if you listened to Pop music at all during the late ‘60s and early ‘70s, you know of his work.  Larry Knechtel was the bass player for Bread and he passed away last week of an apparent heart attack.  Knechtel was also a prolific session musician—that’s his piano you hear on Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water”—and he played with practically everybody and their mother:  namely Neil Diamond, Randy Newman, Elvis Costello, Chet Atkins, Joan Baez, The Dixie Chicks, The Beach Boys, Stephen Bishop, The Spencer Davis Group, John Denver, Duane Eddy, The Doors, The Everly Brothers, The 5th Dimension, Jerry Garcia, The Grass Roots, Jan & Dean, Thelma Houston, Billy Joel, Al Kooper, The Mamas & Papas, Barry McGuire, The Monkees, Harry Nilsson, Dolly Parton, Tina Turner, Elvis Presley, Johnny Rivers, Diana Ross and Nancy Sinatra.  He was also a member of the Rip Chords (of “Hey Little Cobra” fame) and now the truth can be told—Larry Knechtel was the real keyboardist for The Partridge Family, NOT Susan Dey.  I’m sure some of you might be shocked by that revelation, but it’s true.  Rest in peace, Larry—ya done pretty good.

ELLIE GREENWICH, 1940-2009
The Reaper’s been busy again, as legendary songwriter Ellie Greenwich died today in New York of a heart attack.  She, along with her former husband/songwriting partner Jeff Barry, co-wrote a plethora of classics, like "Hanky Panky", "River Deep, Mountain High", "Da Doo Ron Ron", "Then He Kissed Me", "Be My Baby" "Baby, I Love You", "Leader Of The Pack", "Chapel Of Love" and "Do Wah Diddy Diddy", the latter of which was recorded the very day yours truly was born, June 11, 1964.  With an impressive resumé like that, you’d think Ellie and Jeff would be in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, right?  Well, they ain’t, but that renowned Rocker Leonard Cohen damn sure is!  Rest in peace, Ellie—ya done pretty good, too, in spite of what the (c)Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame might think.

Okay, enough death for one day…

NOW I’M STARTING TO CATCH ON…“And change, almost by definition, always comes too fast, always brings a sense of stark dislocation. As in the woman who cried to a reporter, ‘I want “my country” back!’. Probably the country she meant still had Beaver Cleaver on TV and Doris Day on “Your Hit Parade”.—Leonard Pitts, Jr.

So this is what all this right-wing “I want my country back” stuff in regard to health care reform is all about—the fact that we ain’t in Mayberry anymore?  Or Hooterville?  Or even Crabapple Cove?  Where the hell have these people been the last 50 years?  I suppose I could apply the “I want my country back” shtick to the fact that I can’t buy the new Kiss CD anywhere but Wal-Mart or because there are no decent Rock radio stations anymore or that network TV is nothing but a “Reality” show morass, but I’m learning to adapt.  Now before I’m accused of “drinking the Obama Kool-Aid” again, I’m not saying his proposals are necessarily all that great, but folks, this current health care system is fucked-up!  It’s been fucked-up for a long time.  So long, in fact, that we can’t even blame Dubya for it.  Something needs to change, and while change can have its trapdoors and such, what the hell are y’all so scared of?  I’m tired of hearing all this U.S.S. of A. malarkey.  Calm down, Amerika!  (Oops…)

“A POINTLESS THING, DEVOID OF GRACE…”—PART 1That’s a Kiss lyric, believe it or not, and it more than applies to something I saw on ESPN the other day.  No, it wasn’t their endless Brett Favre lovefest, but rather the latest Mel Kiper, Jr. “mock draft” running on the crawl at the bottom of the screen for the 2010 NFL Draft!  WTF?  While I realize this Kiper doofus takes himself far too seriously, how can you possibly know who the best college players for 2010 are going to be before the 2009 season even starts?  Come on, “Worldwide Leader”, turn off the damn hype machine, already…

“A POINTLESS THING, DEVOID OF GRACE…”—PART 2
Please explain to me why new Chefs head coach Todd Haley insists on removing the players’ Arrowhead helmet stickers during practice—what the hell difference does it make?  Other coaches have used this motivational tactic as well, saying the players have to “earn their stripes”, so to speak, but I think it’s friggin’ stupid.  And, oh by the way, how come Haley gets to keep the Arrowhead on his hat, hmmm? If it works, more power to him, I suppose, but I think it’s asinine…

ARENA FOOTBALL REBORN!
For those of you mourning the demise of the Arena Football League, there’s a ray of hope for you thanks to Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, whose multi-zillion dollar stadium hosted its first football game the other night in Arlington, TX.  All I’ve heard about this place for the last two years is how it’s going to have the biggest Hi-Def TV screens in the world, to the point where they’re visible on satellite images and will have their own ZIP codes.  Just one teensy little problem—these oversized monuments to excess hover directly over the football field, right smack dab in the path of airborne punted footballs!  It just astounds me that no one took this into account when they designed this place, even though everything apparently was in line with NFL specifications.  It’s now up to the NFL’s competition committee to decide what the ground rules are for punts that strike the scoreboard in Dallas, since there’s apparently no way to raise or lower these behemoths. And as much as I'd love to see dem Cowboys get flattened, they also better hope these suckers don’t come crashing back to earth—from what I hear, the damn things weigh several hundred tons.

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK CANDIDATE #1
Rick Pitino, Louisville head basketball coach.  Slick Rick pissed and moaned at a press conference today that this sex scandal he was involved in has been “hell” for his family since the media put the story out.  Well, Rick baby, whose fault is that?  Classic example of what happens when you let the little head do the thinking.  Cry me a freakin’ river…

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK CANDIDATE #2
Milton Bradley, Chicago Cubs right fielder.  Uncle Milty pissed and moaned yesterday that the fans at Wrigley Field are being mean to him and he faces daily hatred there, according to the Sports Illustrated website. "It's hard to be comfortable when you don't get a hit and get booed every time," he said.  "When I go home and look in the mirror, I like what I see.”  Well, gee, Milt, can I make a suggestion?  Try playing better!!!  .259 average, 10 home runs and 32 RBIs?  That might lead the Royals, but it’s not acceptable on a team expected to contend.  Is this guy a head case, or what?

DOUCHE OF THE WEEK CANDIDATE #3
Kate Gosselin, overexposed “reality” TV personality.  Right now, MSNBC’s website has no less than three different headlines on their Entertainment page about this woman, who had a pity-party on “Larry King Live” last night and pissed and moaned, "I'm lonely, but I'm very busy."  Come on, America, it’s time to put these sorry-ass people out of their misery and stop watching their TV show!  It would be the biggest favor you can do them—they can't seem to handle being famous anyway, and it‘ll stop Jon and Kate from exploiting their children just for ratings.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #119
“Amos Moses”—JERRY REED (1971) “Well, I wonder where the Louisiana sheriff went to…” sounded to my 7-year-old ears more like “Well, I wonder where Louisiana itself went to…”  Like I say, I was a weird little kid...

HELLO, YELLOW BRICK ROAD
Can you believe it was 70 years ago yesterday that The Wizard Of Oz was released?  I remember how WOO was an annual rite of passage on CBS when I was a kid, and it always aired on a Sunday night, usually in the Spring—right in the heart of tornado season, naturally.  I also remember how the newscaster on our local CBS affiliate always reminded viewers that the first part of the movie was in black-and-white, thus there was no need to adjust your TV set!  It’s amazing how many pop culture catchphrases are found in that film—“I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore…I’ll get you, my pretty!...Follow the yellow brick road…If I only had a brain (Dubya’s theme!)…Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain (Cheney’s theme)…And your little dog, too!” and many many more.  Lions and tigers and 70th anniversaries, oh my!

THE BUCK STOPPED THERE
I’m currently reading a book about baseball parks that I borrowed from the library, and under the Kansas City entry, it talks about how the legendary Kansas City Monarchs played at old Municipal Stadium and sometimes the team would take their show on the road and play in St. Joseph, MO, some 50 miles to the north at venerable Phil Welch Stadium.  When I worked at KKJO radio in “Joetown” in 1988, the K-JO staff played a charity softball game against the local TV station, KQ-2 (or IQ-2, as we called them) at Phil Welch (I went 2-for-2, thank you very much) and little did I know until today that I once played ball on the very same field the legendary Buck O’Neil played on!  I’m totally not worthy…

I had a chance to meet Buck about five or six years ago at a baseball card show and whiffed on it.  He came in the room and several people flocked over to meet him.  I figured, “eh, he’s probably tired of being hounded,” and I passed on going over to say hello.  Stupid!  Stupid!  Stupid!  Everything I’ve ever heard about Mr. O’Neil is he was just about the most gracious man on the planet, and I should’ve leapt at the chance to meet the man.  Too late now…

SAY HELLO TO OUR GOOD FRIEND PAUL SHAFFER...
Kudos to Dave Letterman’s trusty sidekick for acknowledging the passing of former Paul Revere & The Raiders guitarist Drake Levin by playing “Just Like Me” on the “Late Show” last month.  Hmmm—Paul Shaffer & The Raiders?  Verry interesting!  Former Raiders bassist Phil “Fang” Volk, also paid tribute at a memorial event for Drake, as did the ring leader, Paul Revere himself.  Nice going, Paul, Phil and Paul—you did “The Kid” proud!