"Your captain's at the helm...

…sail across the sea of lights"

LEONARD PITTS FOR PRESIDENT!
If Barack Obama turns out to be a bust as our Prez (and I don’t believe he will), I have the ideal replacement in mind for 2012:  columnist Leonard Pitts, Jr.  I’ve praised him many times on this blog already because this guy is so right-on about most subjects, and it’s refreshing in this day and age to see a columnist/pundit who uses his head for something besides a hat rack, and who also doesn’t seem to be pursuing any kind of personal political agenda. LP authored yet another brilliant column this week and did a mighty fine job of cutting the Rush Limbaugh cheese in the process.  A sample paragraph:  "To judge from the eagerness with which they [Republicans] prostrate themselves before Limbaugh, the answer is troublingly simple:  They fear losing the votes they have.  They are unable to disenthrall themselves from that culturally intolerant, intellectually incoherent, perpetually outraged and willfully ignorant cohort of the American demographic they call their base, i.e., extreme social conservatives."  Damn, I wish I’d written that!  Here’s the entire column.

While we’re on the subject, a letter-to-the-editor writer in today’s K.C. Star, one Bud Simpson, had this to say:  "Let me get this straight.  The Republican Party, the party that has sold itself for years as the only one that can keep us safe from foreign interests, terrorists and economic meltdown, is now the party that doesn’t have the guts to stand up to a radio personality?  That’s just pathetic."  Well said, Bud. Heeeee shoots and scores!

GOT MILK?
Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.  I was quite impressed with Sean Penn’s Oscar-winning performance in Milk—it’s everything the critics said it was, and you truly do lose track of Sean Penn and just see Harvey Milk throughout.  I had to keep reminding myself this guy was once best known as Jeff "Hey, bud—let’s party!" Spicoli from Fast Times At Ridgemont High!  Even though I knew Penn was playing a flamboyant, openly-gay man, I was still a bit startled when he hauled off and kissed another guy right smack on the lips.  In doing so, he sure showed some stones as an actor—I think if it were me, I would’ve insisted on a stunt double woman made-up to be the guy before I did any kissing that intense!  Josh Brolin—fresh off his role as Dubya in W—also turned in another pretty good performance here as unstable bad guy City Supervisor Dan White.  How this creep (White) got off with only manslaughter convictions after murdering two city officials (including the mayor) by way of blaming his actions on a chemical imbalance (the "Twinkie defense") is truly absurd.  Maybe I should go out and commit a major felony and use the ol’ "T-bone steak defense".

After having seen the movie—much of which was filmed on location in San Francisco—I regret not making it over to the city hall when I was out there last summer.  It would’ve been neat to see where so much of the drama took place.  Even though I’m not homosexual, I am sympathetic to their cause because of the way the religious right constantly shits on them, and I’ve always found Harvey Milk to be a rather fascinating figure.  If nothing else, the guy sure had balls to challenge the status quo and rankle the establishment, thus giving a voice to millions of disenfranchised people.  I loved how he took on phonies like Anita Bryant and right-wing so-called religious and political "leaders" head-on without blinking.  Btw, the documentary film The Times of Harvey Milk is quite good as well, if you’re wanting to learn more about the man.

I’ve never gotten all the hatred and hostility the religious right heaps on gay people, especially their raging paranoia about how gays are "destroying the American family".  How?  Why?  Just because they aren’t able (or don’t want) to have children?  So what?  Hell, I’m straight, and I can guaran-freakin’-tee that y’all ain’t getting any kids out of me, so what difference does it make who’s procreating and who isn’t?  As for gay people adopting, I’d much rather see a child being raised by two gay parents who actually give a shit about him or her, as opposed to two neglectful and/or abusive heterosexual parents, wouldn’t you?  Just relax, religious right folks—there are still plenty of straight people out there being fruitful (oops!) and multiplying, so there will be more than enough unwanted babies to go around.  And then there’s all that ignorant clap-trap about "them homo-sek-shuls are out to recruit your kids" or that watching a gay movie will "turn you gay".  It truly embarrasses me to be a member of the same species as the mongoloids who think that way.  Sorry, folks, but watching a movie about Harvey Milk doesn’t make me any less heterosexual or any less of a man—it just makes me more aware of a wider reality.

This is not to say that I embrace everything about gay culture or condone everything gays do or stand for.  I can do without the man-hating lesbians (and man-hating straight women, for that matter) as well as flamers like those you see on all these shallow-as-shit reality shows about fashion and gay guys who are so prissy that they’re afraid to get their hands dirty and do some honest-to-goodness hard work once in a while, like some former co-workers I’ve dealt with.  That ACT-UP bunch is another group I can do without.  And this is also not to say that I’m above describing something as "faggy" or making fun of famous gay people now and then (George Michael—TEN HUT!).  Still, having said all that, geez Louise, can’t we all just live and let live?  I seem to remember there’s something in the Bible about that, but I guess all the homophobic bigots out there just conveniently forget that part…

Sorry to turn a movie review into a rant, but I needed to take that garbage out of my system.  Anyway, I give the film Milk about an 8.5 (out of 10).  I think maybe I’ll mail a DVD copy to Rev. Fred Phelps in Topeka—I’m sure he’ll love it…

DUCK DELUXE
In what may well be the most bizarre double-feature ever executed, before I watched Milk the other night, I revisited that 1986 colossal bomb of a movie, Howard The Duck, which also debuted on DVD Tuesday.  Yes, I know, it was a stupid movie for the most part, but it did have its moments.  Actually, the first hour or so wasn’t all that bad—it was the whole "overlord of the universe" bit with Jeffrey Owens (the vice-principal guy from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) that killed it for me.  That, and the duck himself, who wasn’t terribly likeable.  Howard The Duck had a cult following in comic book circles prior to the movie, but like Garfield and Scooby-Doo, he simply didn’t transfer well to the silver screen.

However, HTD did have something that I liked when I first saw it.  Hmmm, let’s see, what the heck was it?  Gimme a minute, okay?  Oh wait, now I remember what initially drew me to it…

Ah yes, the lovely Lea Thompson was a real hottie in this one (to this horny 22-year-old in 1986, anyway) and she turned in the only decent performance in this disasterpiece.  To her credit, she doesn’t try to act like Howard never happened, and gladly participated in the DVD’s special features, unlike Tim "Shawshank" Robbins, who was nowhere to be found.  I was surprised to learn that Lea actually did her own vocals in the film (she played a singer), and wasn’t too shabby at it—quite serviceable, anyway, for the ‘80s.  LT still looks very attractive today, too—nice to see she’s taken care of herself and hasn’t become another Hollywood casualty.

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #10
Ain’t it amazing how apartment and/or office building rooftops in the movies and on TV are so neat and tidy?  Oftentimes these roofs are totally devoid of all that silly tar and gravel—let alone pigeon poop and trash—that one would normally find there.  A glaring example of this is the "Frasier" episode where Frasier and Martin arrange it so Daphne and Niles can have a secluded romantic dinner for two on the roof of Elliott Bay Tower, and the surface of that roof was almost clean enough to eat off of!  Also amazing is the incredibly easy access TV and movie characters have to these roofs without setting off any sort of security alarms.

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ 11
Speaking of double-features, here’s another cliché that I find particularly asinine:  pretending to be Jewish (or any other religious denomination) just to impress a potential mate you’re attracted to.  This plotline also happened on "Frasier", as well as "Caroline In The City" and no doubt countless other TV shows.  This should be pretty self-evident, but I’ll say it anyway—if you feel you have to change who you are to impress someone, they ain’t freakin’ worth it, anyway…

KLINGONS ON THE STARBOARD BOW, STARBOARD BOW!
I was surprised to discover this week that the first woman I ever lusted after in my life—the lovely Yvonne Craig, who played Batgirl on TV’s "Batman"—also played the green chick that Kirk tried to get it on with on "Star Trek".  Like Eddie Murphy once said, "You gotta be pretty hard-up to do it with a green bitch."

In a related issue, it took me years to finally notice that actor John Larroquette was one of the Klingons in Star Trek III—The Search For Spock in a pre-"Night Court"/Dan Fielding role.  He was the one who uttered, "I do not deserve to live," to which Kirk replied, "Then I’ll kill you later."

While I’m at it, wouldn’t Rob Zombie make a dandy Klingon?

"WHAT THEY NEED'S A DAMN GOOD WHACKING!"
And it sounds like the folks at CNBC, especially raving lunatic financial guru Jim Cramer, got one on Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" that was taped today.  It airs in about an hour, and I look very much forward to seeing these schlubs taken to task for all their crappy financial advice...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #110
"Kicks"—PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS (1966)  "Before you find out it’s too late, girl, you better get straight."  Or to my three-year-old ears when I first heard it, "…girl, you better get stretched."

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
This would've been a really bad celebrity product endorsement:  "Hello, Vincent Van Gogh here for Miracle Ear…"

FROM THE "SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE" DEPT.:
This recession has produced a new cottage industry you might have noticed lately—these "Cash For Gold" TV ads, or "Dinero Por Oro" for youse Univision viewers.  You gotta be a real piece of spackle to send off your valuable jewelry in the mail and actually expect any kind of decent reimbursement in return.  Just go to a pawn shop, dummy!

Another cottage industry that popped up before the recession is all this identity theft prevention hysteria crap.  I’m not saying ID theft doesn’t happen now and then, but I find it hard to believe it’s as prevalent as these sensationalistic fear-mongering advertisers make it out to be.  Hell, if someone wants to steal my ID, they can fucking have it—it’s not like I’m scoring any hot chicks with my current one, and I’ll gladly let the sucker pay my credit cards off instead!

1981 - Year of the Album, Part II

And now the conclusion of my look back at the nether year 1981, which was one of my favorites ever for Rock 'N' Roll longplayer releases.  Here are some more of the great albums that came out that year, plus a few that weren't so great (again, in no particular order)...

Z.Z. TOP—El Loco  I already liked Z.Z. Top a lot, but El Loco forever cemented me as a fan of that Little Ol’ Band From Tejas right from the get-go with the irresistible “Tube Snake Boogie”.  True, their next album, Eliminator, was Z.Z.’s career apex in terms of global success—thanks in large part to those classic videos with the babes and the '32 Ford—but I’ve always preferred Loco, which is somewhat forgotten now, for some reason.  I have fond memories of wearing out the 8-track tape I had of it in my car during the summer of ’81, grooving to the likes of “Don’t Tease Me”, “Party On The Patio”, “Ten Foot Pole” and the underrated classic “Pearl Necklace”.  Pure as the driven slush, indeed…

MOODY BLUES—Long Distance Voyager  Most everyone had given this band up for dead (me included) when they came back from out of nowhere with Long Distance Voyager.  Original keyboardist Mike Pinder was long gone and was replaced by synthesizer maven Patrick Moraz, who was omnipresent on the first big hit from LDV, “Gemini Dream”.  “The Voice”, “Talking Out Of Turn” and “Veteran Cosmic Rocker” sounded a bit more like the classic Moodies stuff, but all in all, I much prefer their original seven albums over anything that came after.

FOREIGNER—4  Like Styx and Speedwagon before them, Foreigner broke out in a major way in ’81 with a record that featured one of my all-time favorite album covers.  “Night Life”, “Urgent”, “Juke Box Hero”, "Break It Up" and “Waiting For A Girl Like You” dominated the radio over the second half of the year as Foreigner (or as they pronounce it in Arkansas, 'Furner') was at the height of their popularity.

JOURNEY—Escape  Journey was already on the rise in the late ‘70s/ early ‘80s, and even the departure of longtime keyboardist Gregg Rolie—following 1980’s Departure, ironically—didn’t slow them down one bit.  Rolie was replaced by former Baby Jonathan Cain (come to think of it, aren’t most of us former babies?) and he stepped right in and Journey did just like one of their new songs advocated:  “Keep On Running”.  Although Escape was chuck-full of big hits (“Don’t Stop Believin'”, “Stone In Love”, “Who’s Crying Now?” and “Open Arms”, etc.), the “B-stuff” from it didn’t suck either, like “Keep On Running”, “Lay It Down” and the title track.  Scarily enough, Journey had yet to peak, either…

LOVERBOY—Get Lucky  Loverboy deftly avoided the sophomore jinx and built on the momentum generated from their first album from the year before on Get Lucky with biggies like “Working For The Weekend”, “Lucky Ones” and “Take Me To The Top”.  Under-the-radar songs like “Jump” (not the icky Van Halen song) and “It’s Your Life” were just as good as the front-line stuff, too.

DEF LEPPARD—High ‘n’ Dry  No sophomore jinx here either, and Def Lep actually improved exponentially upon their 1980 debut release On Through The Night as they began working with producer Mutt Lange, who embellished their sound with more elaborate arrangements and vocal layers.  “Let It Go” was a great leadoff track, and “Bringin’ On The Heartbreak/Switch 625” was the centerpiece of the record.  As the lyric to one of their future songs went, “the best was yet to come” for these guys.  And some of the worst, too…

THE POLICE—Ghost In The Machine  Easily my favorite Police platter, this was another one I pretty much wore out in the ol’ automobile tape deck in ’81.  Loved “Demolition Man”, “Spirits In The Material World” and “Invisible Sun” and the horns on “One World (Not Three)” and “Rehumanize Yourself” were a nice added touch.  Great concert tour the following year, too.

THE CARS—Shake It Up  The Cars responded to the inconsistent Panorama from ’80 with a record that is quintessential ‘80s in Shake It Up.  There wasn’t a bad track on this one, and it was a fun album from start-to-finish.  “Since You’re Gone”, the title track and “Cruiser” were standouts on side one, and the trippy “A Dream Away” was a great lead-off to side two (remember when albums had sides, kids?).  The late Ben Orr’s “Think It Over” should’ve been a hit single, too, IMHO.

THE GO-GO’S—Beauty And The Beat  Oh, what a breath of fresh air this was in the fall of ’81!  As good as the music was that year, I was tired of seeing nerdy guys in skinny neckties (no offense, Ric Ocasek!), thus an all-chick band in mini-skirts was just the ticket, especially an all-chick band in mini-skirts that could write and perform their own music.  The hits “Our Lips Are Sealed” and “We Got The Beat” were dandy, but even better were tracks like “This Town”, “Lust To Love”, “Can’t Stop The World” and the witty “Skidmarks On My Heart”.  I lusted after Belinda Carlisle and Jane Wiedlin mightily during this time.  Still do, sometimes...

ROLLING STONES—Tattoo You  Mick and Keef and the boys rebounded rather nicely from the almost stillborn Emotional Rescue from the year before with the album that contained their classic “Start Me Up” as well as “Hang Fire” and the underrated “Waiting On A Friend”.  Love the sax solo by Bobby Keys on the latter song.  This would be the last time (pun partially intended) that the Stones would release new studio albums in successive years.

ROD STEWART—Tonight I’m Yours  Rod the Mod was coming off a bad 1980 album too (the one with the faggy-looking polka-dotted cover—I forget the title) and fared much better with this one, which yielded the big hit “Young Turks”.  The title track was fun romp, as was “Tora! Tora! Tora! (Out With The Boys)”, and I really liked Rod’s touching tribute to late cancer victim/advocate Terry Fox on “Never Give Up On A Dream”.

JOHN ENTWISTLE—Too Late The Hero  The Ox’s much-anticipated fifth solo album was a commercial flop, but it was certainly far superior to The Who's 1981 release (see below).  Guitarist Joe Walsh guest-starred on Hero and stood out on tracks like “I’m Comin’ Back” and “Love Is A Heart Attack” (an eerie omen for Enwistle himself, as it turned out), and Big Johnnie Twinkle’s bass rumbled throughout, especially on the album’s best track, “Talk Dirty”.

GENESIS—Abacab  Probably my favorite Genesis record, I remember when it came out how my friend Tom and I tried to divine the meaning of “Abacab”, trying things like matching musical notes up to the individual letters and such.  Sometimes things don’t mean anything!  Anyway, beyond the title track, I really liked “Like It Or Not” and I remember “Man On The Corner” being one of the first videos I ever saw on this new thing called MTV.

============
THE BOMBS
This is not to say that everything that came out in 1981 was like the popular TV show of the day "Solid Gold"—there were a few clunkers from some of my favorite groups as well…

KISS—Music From The Elder  Ah yes, the final installment of what I like to call the “Lost Weekend Years” for Kiss, in which they tried to impress all the critics with how smart they were by making a concept album whose story the band members themselves didn’t even understand.  Guitarist Ace Frehley was so disgusted with the record that he soon left the band, and when it came out, most of us die-hard fans were like “What the fuck is this?” upon hearing Paul Stanley singing lines like "a child in a sun dress," etc.  The critics naturally liked Elder, of course, and like most Kiss fans, even I have a soft spot in my heart for it, and there are a couple pretty cool tracks that sound great on my iPod—namely “The Oath”, “Escape From the Island” and "I"—but overall, the album was just plain weird.  Not-so-long ago, the Kiss tribute band Kiss attempted to resurrect “I” in concert.  Funny how Gene Simmons can’t remember how the song goes, even though he co-wrote the bloody thing!

THE WHO—Face Dances  Expectations were higher than your average Grateful Dead fan for The Who’s first studio album since the death of drummer Keith Moon, to the point where Circus magazine dubbed Face Dances as “The Fiery Return of The Who,” in one article.  Uhhh, put the hoses away, fellas, you coulda blown this fire out with your own breath.  By this time, Pete Townshend was hoarding his best songs for his solo albums, so the material was pretty bland here, especially as watered-down by erstwhile Eagles producer Bill Szymcyzk (where the hell was Glyn Johns?!?).  Kenney Jones’ rather pedestrian drumming style (which Roger Daltrey often criticized) didn’t exactly help, and only John Entwistle’s tracks—the anything-but-quiet “Quiet One” and “You”—truly rocked out here.  Of Townshend’s tunes, “You Better You Bet” hasn’t aged well with me at all, "Cache Cache", "Don't Let Go The Coat" and "Did You Steal My Money?" were pure caca and only "Daily Records" and “Another Tricky Day” were really worth writing home about.  Easily one of the most disappointing Rock albums of all-time.

TED NUGENT—Intensities In 10 Cities  Given the outstanding quality of Nugent’s 1978 live opus, Double Live Gonzo!, I was very excited when it was announced that Ted was making yet another live record in ’81.  I incorrectly assumed Intensities would be Nugent’s Kiss Alive II, so to speak, and feature live versions of his post-Gonzo! stuff off Weekend Warriors, State Of Shock and Scream Dream, and what a colossal flop this thing turned out to be!  Alas, the Rev. Theodosius Atrocious let his Alpha-male ego get the best of him and he put out a bunch of lame new songs, many with macho-man titles like “The Flying Lip-Lock” and “My Love Is Like A Tire Iron”, along with an absurd cover of Wilson Pickett’s “Land of 1,000 Dances”.  About the only acceptable tracks were “Heads Will Roll” and the instrumental “TNT Overture”.  True, Intensities was merely contractual-obligation stuff that Nugent owed Epic Records, but he could’ve made a better effort than this steaming pile of yak excrement, and his career never has fully recovered from it.  He'd have been much better served to just release the 1979 "King Biscuit Flower Hour" show from Hammersmith Odeon that eventually came out on CD about ten years ago.

MOLLY HATCHET—Take No Prisoners  Molly Hatchet came roaring out of the chute with two excellent albums in 1978 and 1979, and they appeared to be the heir-apparent to Lynyrd Skynyrd as the big-cheese Southern Rock band until late lead singer Danny Joe Brown jumped ship in 1980.  Their first release without him, Beatin’ The Odds, wasn’t all that terrible, but new singer Jimmy Farrar didn't quite experience the same smooth transition enjoyed by Brian Johnson when he replaced the late Bon Scott in AC/DC the same year.  Farrar had a decent voice, but sounded so radically different than Brown, and the vibe just wasn’t the same.  Take No Prisoners was a step further backwards for Hatchet, and it was just a really bland record except for one really good track, “Bloody Reunion”, which sounded every bit as good with DJB singing it in concert upon his return.  MH’s next album, 1983’s vastly overlooked No Guts…No Glory (with Danny Joe back in the fold) was a major improvement.

ABBA—The Visitors  The bored looks on the faces of ABBA on the album cover of The Visitors should’ve been a red flag to record buyers that they were just playing out the string by this time.  There were no more new worlds left to conquer for Sweden's greatest export since Volvo, and it showed in the dull material here, plus the vocals were beginning to sound awfully robotic in places.  A creative rest might’ve suited Björn and Benny a little better…

BLACK SABBATH—The Mob Rules  The surprising success of post-Ozzy Black Sabbath on 1980’s classic Heaven And Hell, plus the excellent title track here promised great things, but sadly, the rest of Mob Rules was fairly forgettable.  From this point onward, Ozzy would have the last laugh as his career soared and Sabbath began its lead singer carousel period—Ian Gillan, David Donato, Glenn Hughes, Tony Martin, Ronnie James Dio (again), Rob Halford, Tony Martin (again), ad nauseam...

1981 - Year of the Album, Part I

Back during my junior and senior years in high school, there was a plethora of good new music to be had on vinyl, and the year 1981 was a particularly stellar one in Rock.  More than any other year, 1981 seemed to have more major comebacks, breakout releases by bands on the rise, albums that were consistently great from start-to-finish, and numerous releases that wound up being my favorite albums by my all-time favorite bands.  It was certainly a very formative year for my musical collection, and with that in mind, here’s a look back at some dandy record albums from that magical year (in no particular order):

R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON—HI inFIdelity  A carryover from late ‘80, Speedwagon dominated the radio with this monster for most of 1981.  R.E.O.'s classic power ballad "Keep On Lovin’ You" undoubtedly brought more than a few bodies closer together over the winter of ’80-’81, and the album also yielded a boatload of hits, including "Tough Guys", "Take It On The Run", "Don’t Let Him Go" and "In Your Letter".  "Out of Season" was a great track too, and "Shakin’ It Loose" wound up being pretty good audience-participation number in concert.  R.E.O. went on to have more success in the ‘80s, but Hi inFI was clearly the pinnacle of their career.

STYX—Paradise Theater Styx rebounded nicely from their mediocre 1979 release, Cornerstone, and 1981 saw them duplicate the breakout success of their friendly Illinois rivals Speedwagon with their outstanding Paradise Theater album and its accompanying triumphant concert tour, one of the best Rock shows I ever attended.  Even though they were already squabbling internally, the members of Styx still managed to string together some standout songs like "Rockin’ The Paradise", "Too Much Time On My Hands", "Snow Blind" and "The Best Of Times".  If only Styx had quit while they were ahead…

OZZY OSBOURNE—Blizzard of Ozz  Another carryover from ’80, no one expected a thing out of Ozzy (least of all, Ozzy himself) after being booted from Black Sabbath, so what a pleasant surprise this killer record was with its Heavy Metal classics like "Crazy Train", "Suicide Solution" and "I Don’t Know".  If the late Randy Rhoads hadn’t come into the Osbournes’ lives, Ozzy and Sharon might well be on skid row today.  RR was the Stevie Ray Vaughan of Heavy Metal, and one can only wonder what he might’ve gone on to do—one of the biggest (and most senseless) tragedies in Rock history.

JEFFERSON STARSHIP—Modern Times  Starship continued to ride the momentum from their successful rebound on 1979’s Freedom At Point Zero with another solid effort here and reunited with an old friend in the process.  Erstwhile singer Grace Slick returned from some much-needed time on the wagon to duet with Mickey Thomas on the hit "Stranger" and she can also be heard backing the underrated "Save Your Love" as well as on the penultimate "Fuck You" song, "Stairway To Cleveland".  While the album did have a couple horrors like "Mary" ("I don’t want to marry Mary"—P.U.!) and "Alien", it did yield the radio-friendly hit "Find Your Way Back".

VAN HALEN—Fair Warning  Clearly, Van Halen’s self-titled debut album from 1978 was their finest, but Fair Warning has always been my favorite.  Cousin Eddie was just shredding licks all over this record from the get-go on opening track "Mean Streets" and he never let up throughout.  This album was loaded with underrated classics like "Sinner’s Swing!", "Hear About It Later", "Dirty Movies" and "So This Is Love", and this was the period during which VH was white-hot in concert (as "Unchained" easily attests) before David Lee Roth’s burgeoning ego blew everything to hell.  My only problem was the album was way too short, barely clocking in at 30 minutes, but you could say that about nearly every VH album during the DLR era.

RUSH—Moving Pictures  Finally, Geddy Lee learned how to sing after shrieking like a banshee all those years.  And finally, a consistent long-player from the boys from the Great White North.  "Tom Sawyer" was about all you heard on FM Rock radio in the spring of ’81, and the rest of the album weren’t too shabby either, with cuts like "Red Barchetta", "Limelight" and the underrated "Vital Signs".  The 10-minute-plus "The Camera Eye" is pretty cool too, with its various tempo changes and moods.  From what I understand, Rush dusted that one off and played it on tour last summer.  MP was the first in a very consistent string of albums during what was my favorite Rush era, up to and including 1987’s Hold Your Fire.

APRIL WINE—Nature Of The Beast  Another album from a group of Canucks who finally hit their stride in 1981, Beast turned out to be one of my favorite records of the year.  April Wine’s prior two albums yielded decent-sized radio hits with "Roller", "I Like To Rock" and "Say Hello", but NOTB blew away all of their previous efforts with rockers like "Future Tense", "Big City Girls", "Caught In The Crossfire", "One More Time" and my personal fave, the short-but-sweet attitude piece "Wanna Rock".  "Just Between You And Me" and "All Over Town" were big hits on the radio too, and AW seemed to be well on their way to becoming the next Foreigner or Loverboy, but it appears they shot their wad on Beast because none of their subsequent output even came close to equaling it.

BLUE ÖYSTER CULT—Fire Of Unknown Origin  This was the last really good studio record BOC ever made, in my opinion.  "Burnin’ For You" was the big radio hit, but Fire yielded some classic BOC thinking-man’s fare like "Veteran Of The Psychic Wars", the title track and the irrepressible "Joan Crawford".

THE TUBES—Completion Backward Principle  After years of being a campy (and borderline porn) stage act, Fee Waybill and the boys tried to get everyone to take them seriously as musicians, and whaddya know—it worked!  Great stuff here like "Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman", "Sushi Girl" and the big radio hit "Talk To Ya Later".  Even better was the underrated power ballad "Don’t Want To Wait Anymore", which is one of my all-time favorites of that genre.

GIRLSCHOOL—Hit And Run  I was introduced to this all-chick band from England during the summer of ’82 and was totally blown away by this wicked slab of Heavy Metal that easily rivals anything Judas Priest or Iron Maiden ever did.  They played hard, fast and lean throughout this album on tracks like "Kick It Down", "C’Mon, Let’s Go", "Future Flash", "Yeah Right!" and their killer remake of "Race With The Devil".  Not bad for a bunch of girls, eh?

AC/DC—For Those About To Rock…We Salute You  No way in hell were Angus and the boys going to top Back In Black, so anything they put out would’ve been a comedown, anyway.  Still, this one had its moments, like "Let’s Get It Up", the underrated "Put The Finger On You" and of course, the cannon-fodder laden title track.

NAZARETH—‘Snaz  Before double-live albums totally went out of style like rotary-dial phones, platform shoes and Pong games, Nazareth snuck this one out, and it featured wicked live versions of classics like "Expect No Mercy" and "Hair Of The Dog", as well as a cool cover of the Yardbirds classic "Shapes of Things" (aka, "Come Tomorrow") for an encore.  They also tacked on a nice studio cover of Tim Rose's "Morning Dew".  I categorize Nazareth as a good-but-not-great band, and ’Snaz was a nice document of their career to that point.

J. GEILS BAND—Freeze-Frame  Any group that has a Magic Dick in it can’t be all bad!  After years of toiling in obscurity and having only a cult following, the critically-acclaimed J. Geils Band finally hit pay dirt with this album, which was aided and abetted by heavy rotation on the then-fledgling MTV thing.  "Centerfold" was all over the radio, as was the title track, and "Flamethrower" even made the R&B charts as I recall.  My favorite track is the intrepid closer, "Piss On The Wall".  Unfortunately, success went to singer Peter Wolf’s big fat head, though, and he left the band for a solo career in 1983, and they were never the same.

SAMMY HAGAR—Standing Hampton  This was quite possibly Sammy’s finest hour as a solo act before joining Van Halen, with the radio-friendly hit "I’ll Fall In Love Again" and his trademark "There's Only One Way To Rock".  The album title, btw, is a British euphemism for hard-on, as "Hampton" refers to one’s manhood.  ‘Tis better to be Standing Hampton than Little Hampton…

DIRE STRAITS—Making Movies  As much as I like Straits, nothing from their first two albums really blew me away, apart from "Sultans Of Swing", and it wasn’t until album number three came along that I really found something to chew on.  "Tunnel Of Love" and "Romeo & Juliet" have grown on me a lot over the years, and "Solid Rock" should’ve been a bigger radio hit than it was.  The closing track, "Les Boys", was a fun little piece of pastiche by Mark Knopfler too.

PAT BENATAR—Precious Time  Pat’s third album was every bit as good as her first two with cuts like "Promises In The Dark", "Fire And Ice" and the title track, not to mention a nice cover of Paul Revere & The Raiders’ "Just Like Me".  However, she went to the cover well once too often with her unnecessary remake of The Beatles’ "Helter Skelter"—somehow a sexy babe singer in a leotard and tights singing a song about death and mayhem just doesn’t quite register!  Then again, Motley Crue and U2 wasted their time covering this one too, even though there’s no need to improve on the original.

BILLY SQUIER—Don’t Say No  Young master Squier had it clicking on all cylinders here and scored no less than four pretty good-sized radio hits with "The Stroke", "My Kinda Lover", "Lonely Is The Night" and "In The Dark".  My personal favorite is the frenetic "Whaddya Want From Me?" and "Too Daze Gone" didn't suck either.  Billy’s next album, Emotions In Motion was even more successful in terms of sales, but I think DSN was the better of the two.  Then it all went downhill a couple years later when Squier more or less outed himself in the disastrous "Rock Me Tonite" video.  Too bad—this guy had the chops on guitar and wasn’t too shabby a songwriter either.

More to follow in Part II, coming soon...

Me and you and a blog named Boo

PAUL HARVEY, 1918-2009
Legendary broadcaster Paul Harvey turned his last page over the weekend.  True, he was a conservative, but at least he was a fair one, and I enjoyed his work, esp. "The Rest Of The Story", which I usually only got to hear on road trips since AM reception at my workplace is non-existent because of our MR magnet, plus his show was dropped in K.C. years ago anyway.  I always loved his oddball delivery style, and I’ll even admit to imitating Harvey (poorly) in a couple junior high "radio shows" in speech class.  I even had the honor of running the board for "Paul Harvey News And Comment" on a rare weekday shift I worked at KKJO in St. Joseph back in the day.  He was one of the last throwbacks to a better vanished time in radio, and it’s pretty amazing that he was able to continue working and doing what he enjoyed right up until almost the end of his life.  A legend, indeed…good day!

AND NOW, THE WORST OF THE STORY…
"I am an average citizen…I have a microphone."—Rush Limbaugh

Oh really, Rush?  Well, I’m an average citizen and I have a microphone too, but I sure’s hell don’t get paid $38 million a year to use it, you pompous prick!

As for radio personalities I dearly wish we could throw back, the Big Fat Idiot has now been deemed the de facto leader of the Republican Party.  Does anyone besides me find it just a tad disconcerting that even Republican politicians find themselves apologizing for criticizing Limbaugh because the BFI now holds so much sway?  Makes me almost feel pity for the GOP.  As for Limbaugh, why doesn’t he get off his fat posterior and run for President himself, if he’s such an all-knowing, all-seeing political badass?  Why, because he’s got it too good as it is, that’s why.  It seems I’ve been low-balling Limbaugh on his salary in my previous posts at a mere $10 million a year.  $38 million a year?!?  Just to talk on the fucking radio?!?  Nobody’s that good at any profession to rate that kind of salary!  Is it any wonder this gasbag opposes increased taxes for the wealthy?  I sure don’t see him volunteering to take a pay cut anytime soon in this economic climate.

LET ME UP, I’VE HAD ENOUGH!
I’m getting to the point where I almost can’t bear to watch all the talking heads on the TV news outlets yapping about the economy anymore.  One "expert" says the stimulus package will work, while another shoots it down in flames, and no one can seem to agree on anything that will get us out of this mess.  And Ben Stein and Donald Trump as financial experts?  Puh-leeze!  What’s worse, neither this Federal Reserve guy Bernanke nor Treasury Secretary Geithner seem to have a freakin’ clue what to do, either.  Oh, and another thing:  Fuck AIG!

Sorry if that paragraph wasn’t well-thought-out and didn't live up to my usual standards—it was pure stream-of-consciousness and I just had to vent…

ALMOST HEAVEN, WEST VIRGINIA?
Gee, kids, let’s all move to West Virginia because apparently all their major crises have been solved, being’s how one of their state representatives has time to introduce a bill to ban Barbie.  You heard that right, folks, Barbie, as in the plastic doll beloved by gazillions of little girls the world over.  They must not have any more economic strife in the Appalachians if all they’re concerned about is how Barbie’s image impacts the prepubescent girls of that region, hence the attempted ban.  Here’s the story if you want to waste your valuable time with it.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to repeatedly smack politicians like this clown over the head with a rubber hose...

JIM DANDY NEEDED A RESCUE?
Here’s a rare nugget I unearthed the other night on YouTube that I wasn’t even aware existed.  It features the overhauled Black Oak Arkansas lineup—known as just plain Black Oak at that point—performing "Race With The Devil" on "Midnight Special" in early 1978.  Killer song, but sadly, Black Oak’s time had already come and gone, and being mired in the heart of the Disco era didn’t help their cause at all.  Only singer Jim "Dandy" Mangrum and guitarist Jimmy Henderson (far left in the video) remained from the original BOA lineup, as they tried to shed their Southern-fried boogie-band image and prove to the critics what great musicians they were by playing more mainstream hard Rock.  Didn’t work, and it was really strange to see Dandy without his trademark washboard and wearing a shirt, no less!  Black Oak made one more album after Race With The Devil before hanging it up a year later.

FRIGGIN’ BRILLIANT!
Also while YouTubing the other night, I came upon this hidden gem from my man John Hiatt that I had never heard before called "Since His Penis Came Between Us", which he performed on PBS many moons ago, but has never actually recorded (to my knowledge, anyway).  Nothing pornographic here or anything, just a damn funny song…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #109
"Thank God I’m A Country Boy”—JOHN DENVER (1975)  “My days are all filled with an easy Country charm...”  I somehow managed to mangle this line up as something like "an easy cut of chaw," as in tobacco.  I'm pretty certain JD holds the all-time record for the repeated use of the word "fiddle" in one song here.

BLURRING THE LINES
While I'm on the subject of Oldies music, what used to be our main Oldies station in KC, 94.9 FM, is gradually moprhing into a Classic Rock station.  They still play a fair amount of ‘60s and ‘70s stuff like Dusty Springfield, Chicago, The Beatles and Elton John, but anymore, 94.9 sounds more like Classic Rock with the likes of Don Henley, Bob Seger and John Mellencamp dominating their playlist.  Hell, they even play Boston now!  That’s all fine, but now K.C. is totally devoid of a true old-school Oldies radio station, which I think kinda sucks.  Even when 9.49 was a true Oldies format, they played a tad too much Four Seasons, Beach Boys and Motown for my liking, while ignoring classics from Little Richard, Fats Domino and Buddy Holly, et al.  Methinks there might be room on the AM dial for a good '50s/'60s Rock 'N' Roll heritage station.

In a related topic, if radio stations are in such dire financial shape, then why on earth do they air meaningless baseball exhibition games on weekday afternoons when no one’s listening anyway?  About as pointless as selling snow blowers on Maui...

IF A HOCKEY GAME IS PLAYED IN THE WOODS, DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?
Okay, I realize the National Hockey League is still trying to regain its status on the sporting ladder in the wake of the 2004-05 labor stoppage and all, but you’d think they rate slightly better TV coverage on Versus than they get.  Versus only airs NHL games on Mondays and Tuesdays during the regular season, which makes very little sense, as the NHL doesn’t gain much by going up against "Monday Night Football" in the fall and ESPN’s "Big Monday" college bassit-ball in the winter and spring.  Not to mention that Mondays are typically light nights, schedule-wise, for the NHL, thus the only choice they had this past Monday was the Colorado/New York Islanders game, featuring two teams already hopelessly out of the playoff race.  Last night’s Pittsburgh/Tampa Bay broadcast wasn’t a much better match-up, even though they could’ve aired Boston/Philadelphia, a game loaded with playoff implications.  It’s not like Vs. has a lot of riveting programming the rest of the week that would be pre-empted, so if nothing else, how about pirating the CBC’s "Hockey Night In Canada" on Saturday nights instead?

I'm bloggin' here! I'm bloggin' here!

Yes, I’ve been watching Midnight Cowboy again…

NORM VAN LIER, 1947-2009/JOHNNY "RED" KERR, 1932-2009
Former NBA All-Star Norm Van Lier was found dead Thursday in Chicago.  Along with Jerry Sloan, Chet Walker and Bob Love, Van Lier was part of the nucleus of those Bulls teams of the early/mid-‘70s that were perennial playoff contenders but couldn’t quite get over the hump.  I remember having an intense dislike for “Stormin’ Norman” whenever he played against our dreaded Kansas City-Omaha Kings because of his hard-nosed style of play—your basic Dennis Rodman without the piercings, tattoos and day-glo hair—and he always seemed to be starting shit with one of our players or lipping off to one of the refs.  He was a fan favorite at the old Chicago Stadium, though, and I learned to respect him a lot more as an NBA analyst via his appearances on ESPN’s “Mike & Mike In The Morning” radio show.

My brother from another mother, Randy Raley, posted a very interesting quote from NVL that sheds even more light about his on-court modus operandi:  “I primarily play defense, and to me, that means that if keep my player from catching the ball and scoring, I have done my job.  If my player scores an average of 16 points a game and he only gets 3 on me, that means I've scored 13 points that you will never see in the box score.  I not only don't want my guy to score, I'll work my hardest to make sure he doesn't touch the ball."   Guess he wasn’t such a dastardly villain after all—just a smart and dedicated player.  Oddly enough, Van Lier could easily have been a KC-O King, as he began his career with the Cincinnati Royals, but was traded to the Bulls the year before the Royals moved here (and Omaha).

Thursday was a bad one all-around for Bulls fans, as their longtime TV color analyst (and the franchise’s first head coach) Johnny “Red” Kerr also passed away later in the day, although not unexpectedly, as he’d been suffering from pancreatic cancer for quite some time.  Kerr had a pretty good NBA career as a center-forward, mostly with the Syracuse Nationals/Philadelphia 76ers in the early and mid-’60s.  I don’t know all that much about Red’s announcing style, but I gather he was the Bulls’ equivalent of Harry Caray—part announcer/part cheerleader.  Sad day in Chi-town, indeed.

WENDY RICHARD, 1943-2009
The Grim Reaper was a busy bastard Thursday, as he also claimed actress Wendy Richard at age 65.  Regular PBS viewers should know Wendy from the ‘70s BBC 'Britcom' “Are You Being Served?” as the junior saleswoman at Grace Bros. department store with the dynamite legs, the voluptuous Miss Shirley Brahms.  I always loved her exaggerated working-class dialect on the show, which presaged Daphne Moon's on “Frasier” by 20 years, and Wendy was quite the hottie back in the day.  She went on to spend 22 years on the BBC nighttime soap opera “EastEnders” before her character was killed off in 2006.  WR's off-screen life wasn’t always peachy-keen, though—she was married four times and endured three bouts with breast cancer, the last of which she succumbed to Thursday, bless her heart.  Rest in peace, Wendy—you were a real cutie…

OUR NEW CASTLE'S GOT A CASSEL!
Enough bad news—in conjunction with the renovations at Arrowhead Stadium, general manager Scott Pioli has begun to make over the K.C. Chefs into the K.C. Patriots by trading for upstart quarterback Matt Cassel and veteran linebacker Mike Vrabel for the mere pittance of a second-round pick in this year’s NFL draft.  What a strange twist of fate it is that in the first quarter of the first game of the 2008 season, a Chief (Bernard Pollard) inadvertently ended Tom Brady’s season with the P-Men, subsequently giving the untested Cassel a chance to prove himself a worthy NFL quarterback, and now he’s the field general of the Chefs.  Considering what K.C. gave up for these two, this deal is a steal, especially if Vrabel still has some gas left in his tank.  Plus, it frees K.C. up to address other needs with their #3 pick in this year’s draft, especially on defense, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Pioli trades down for more draft choices, as per their usual in Foxboro over these past few years.  More wheeling and dealing to come, no doubt…

HE’S BAAAAACK!
I was very pleased to see my man Martin Brodeur, goaltender for my beloved New Jersey Devils, come back in style Thursday night by skunking the Colorado Avalanches 4-0 after spending most of the season on the DL with an elbow injury.  MB was also back between the pipes this afternoon as my boys in red and black whooped Florida 7-2.  Oddly enough, the Devils have done mighty fine without Monsieur Brodeur this year, as they now lead their division, and with Marty back in the fold, they look loaded for bear to make another run at Lord Stanley’s Cup.  Brodeur’s shutout was #99 in his sure-shot first-ballot Hall of Fame career, and he’s now just five away from breaking the late Terry Sawchuk’s record for most all-time in NHL history, which to me is in the same realm as baseball’s home run record.  And unlike America’s pastime, they don't need no stinking asterisks in Canada’s pastime’s record books!  To wit (to what?), there ain't no steroid problem in hockey, thank you very much...

AY, CARRUMBA!
Fox TV says it’s renewing “The Simpsons” for two more seasons, which will surpass the record held by “Gunsmoke” for being the longest-running prime-time tee-vee series on earth in this hemisphere (22 seasons).  Have to admit, I don’t tune in to my good friend Homer J. Simpson all that much anymore, as “Family Guy” has more or less supplanted “The Simpsons” as my favorite animated prime-time show, but I guess the show is still relevant, although there seems to be a difference of opinion amongst longtime fans as to whether the show has overstayed its welcome or not.  By the time it’s all said and done, there should be at least 493 “Simpsons” episodes, which would rank them #3 all-time.  By my count, if you ran every episode of “The Simpsons” back-to-back 24/7, it would take well over 10 days to get through all of them—there could almost conceivably be a Simpsons cable channel somewhere down the road.  Anyway, a round of Duffs on me in celebration...

Here are the current standings of most episodes of a prime-time series:

1) "Gunsmoke" (1955-75)—633
2) "Lassie" (1954-73)—588 [includes all of her/its various incarnations]
3) "The Simpsons" (1989-Present)—493 [projected through 2012]
4) "Ozzie And Harriet" (1952-66)—435
5) "Bonanza" (1959-72)—430
6) "My Three Sons" (1960-72)—369
7) "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" (1955-65)—361
8) "Dallas" (1978-91)—357
9) "Knots Landing" (1979-93)—344
10) "Make Room For Daddy" (1953-64)—336

Technically, the original ABC run on “Monday Night Football” (1970-2005) could be considered the all-time prime-time champ at 36 seasons and 557 episodes (and not one single rerun!).

NEVER SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN’S JOB
The Republican Party has skidmarks in its collective pants/panties in the wake of the disastrous rebuttal speech by Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal to Pres. Obama’s speech to Congress the other night.  To me, this guy had all the charisma of Mark the ticket-taker from Fast Times At Ridgemont High as he rambled on for 15 minutes, although he did make one or two lucid comments (see below) while prematurely ending his 2012 Presidential bid.  And personally, I think he looks kinda French, too…

“MOSTLY SAY ‘HOORAY FOR OUR SIDE‘…”—REDUX
“The people on our side are making a real mistake if they go after Bobby Jindal.  We cannot shun politicians who speak for our beliefs just because we don’t like the way he says it.”—Rush Limbaugh

Meantime, the BFI (Big Fat Idiot) was shitting bricks because some Republicans had the unmitigated gall to criticize that which young master Jindal uttered in his speech.  Uhhh, Rush, buddy, if you’d listened at all to what your boy Jindal was saying, he actually advocated what B. Obama’s been promoting all along about both sides working together to find solutions to this economic crisis—ergo, you need to knock off all this "people on our side" jingoism, as well as all this blame-game crap.  Even though I’m left-leaning, if someone from the conservative wing can concoct a way out of this mess, I might just kiss the son-of-a-bitch on the lips, but I sure don’t see a whole lot of bright ideas coming from the right these days.  As my man Bob Walkenhorst of The Rainmakers once brilliantly wrote:  “The generation that would change the world is still looking for its car keys.”

By the way, Rush Limbaugh is once again a big fat idiot, literally.  The one thing I often did praise him for was when he lost all that weight a few years back and kept it off for quite some time, but he’s reverted back to his previous Jabba T. Hut size.  I guess making $10 mil a year will do that to a person…

HOW’S THAT WORKIN’ FOR YA, DOC?
Since the whole potential Britney Spears residual TV ratings bonanza tempted him last year, you knew it was only a matter of time before Dr. Fool—er uh—Dr. Phil got involved in this whole whacko octuplet chick hoop-de-doo.  He claims this gross ignoramus (that‘s 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus) actually called him—as if an unemployed mother of 14 on food stamps just happens to have his number on her speed-dial—to intervene on her behalf.  Seems that hospital officials are balking at releasing her flotilla of newborns to her because of concerns about the living quarters they’d be residing in, which is on the verge of foreclosure because her mother owes $23,000 in mortgage payments.  Hell, if Octuplet Mama likes, I have some empty shoe boxes she can have to use as cribs.

Meanwhile, do you really think Dr. Fool is just doing all this out of the goodness of his pea-pickin’ heart?  Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…

THIS MIGHT BE BLATANTLY OBVIOUS, BUT…
…if so many of these people on TV Land’s “High School Reunion” show are such connivers, drama queens and assholes, why would anyone even want to see them again, anyway?

PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE DOOBIE?
As I‘ve previously discussed here, .38 Special played a concert last night at a retirement community here in the K.C. area, which was weird enough.  Now I hear that next Friday, Kansas City’s own ‘70s duo Brewer & Shipley (of “One Toke Over The Line” fame) is scheduled to play at the Community Christian Church on the Country Club Plaza.  Strange venue indeed for an act whose greatest hit (pun only partially intended) is a tune about smoking pot.  Then again, they do sing “sweet Jesus” several times in that song, so I guess there’s a Biblical connection there somewhere…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #108
“The Boys of Summer”—DON HENLEY (1984)  “I can see you, your brown skin shining in the sun…”  Or as my feeble brain originally interpreted it, “Your broad’s skin shining in the sun…”

“DA RAIDAS!” UPDATE
A few more nuggets from the Paul Revere & The Raiders video treasure trove have been unearthed by some wonderful soul on YouTube.  First off, here’s a little sampling of the PR&TR version of “(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone” that wasn’t available on YouTube a couple weeks ago when I did my Raiders tribute post.  This rascal blows the Monkees’ version away, IMHO. And just for shits and hoots, here's an optimisic Raider ditty from the same 1966 LP as "Steppin' Stone" that didn't even make my Top 25 called "There's Always Tomorrow", sung by late Raider drummer Mike "Smitty" Smith.  And for good measure, here's the long-lost Mark Lindsay 1970 minor solo hit, "Miss America", which I believe was aired on the 1971 TV special "Make Your Own Kind Of Music", which also featured The Carpenters, among other '70s luminaries.  Memories, light the corners of my mind...

HERE’S ONE FOR JAY LENO
Small headline I saw in the paper the other day read:  “Zoo loses elephant”.  As in ‘misplaced’?  Now, that would be a piece of work!

Nothin' matters but the Oscars...

...from a Tuesday point of view!

OSCAR POST-MORTEM
Since it's the only remaining award show with any substance, I'll once again give my annual review of the Oscar presentation.  I was fairly pleased overall with the Academy Awards ceremony Sunday night, both in terms of presentation as well as who won.  I have to confess to pure ignorance by saying I didn’t even know who Huge Jackass—er uh—Hugh Jackman was before Sunday, but I didn’t think he was so terrible as the emcee, in spite of the mixed reviews he seems to be getting in the media.  I at least found him more entertaining than Jon Stewart was last year or Ellen DeGenerate was the year before.  I thought the show was well-paced and liked how they kept the montages and ancillary stuff to a minimum this time.  Good thing I didn’t bet the over/unders on the show’s length, because it clocked in at just under 3.5 hours, and I'd have bet anything it would’ve exceeded that.  This year’s show was an added treat for me, after having actually seen the Kodak Theater (on the outside, anyway) and the whole Hollywood Blvd. scene in person last year, thus giving me a better "lay of the land", so to speak, during all the red carpet pre-game show folderol.  I do have one question, however:  what the filth-flarn-filth does Miley Cyrus have to do with the Oscars and why was she there?  She was clearly out of her league...come back when you grow up and can compete with the big girls, okay sweetheart?

As for the winners, those favored to win pretty much did so in all the major categories, particularly Slumdog Millionaire, Wall-E and Heath Ledger for Dark Knight, and about the only disappointment for me was my girl Marisa Tomei not winning for The Wrestler.  I was tickled to death that my other girl Kate Winslet finally got her first Oscar, even though I have yet to see The Reader—she should’ve already won for at least one of her previous nominations anyway, so this was a make-good win for her, if nothing else.  I’d also like to point out something about Ms. Winslet—she looked quite classy and elegant the other night, unlike her tattooed fellow nominee, the overrated Angelina Jolie.  I’m already on record here for taking a very dim view of tattoos on women, so call me biased all you want, but at least Kate doesn’t go around with what appears to be a grocery shopping list scrawled on her bicep.  Skank City, here we come…

I’m also very much looking forward to seeing Sean Penn’s Oscar-winning performance in Milk when it comes out on DVD.  I have sort of an oddball connection to the whole Harvey Milk thing due to my very vivid memories of that terrible night in 1978 when he and San Francisco Mayor George Moscone were assassinated as it just happened to be when I got a brand new color TV for my bedroom, and that story was all over the news when I first turned on my set.  By extension, my first "Monday Night Football" game on the new TV that evening was slated for—where else—Candlestick Park in San Francisco, between the 49ers and Steelers, thus quite a pall was cast over the proceedings.  There was actually talk of postponing the game, but it would’ve been a logistical nightmare for the NFL to reschedule it, so they played on.  Didn’t matter much anyway, because this was the pre-Joe Montana/Bill Walsh/Ronnie Lott 49ers who totally sucked at the time, and the Steelers easily won, 24-7.

WHILE I’M ON MOVIES…
…a couple of quick reviews.  I recently viewed Oliver Stone’s W just for shits and hoots and was pretty underwhelmed by it.  Josh Brolin does a fairly impressive Dubya imitation (better than hack comedian Frank Caliendo even), but the film itself didn’t reveal anything earth-shattering to me that I didn’t already know about #43, and it was a tad too long for my liking.  I also struggled through Dark Knight last week.  I say struggled because the DVD I rented was so scratched and scuffed-up that it kept skipping around and I finally gave up about midway-through.  I saw enough to get why Heath Ledger deserved his posthumous Oscar, but I found the story rather boring.  Then again, I was spoiled by the TV version of Batman, so anything else pales in comparison to my Caped Crusaders.

JUMPING THE GUN A BIT, AIN’T WE, OBAMA BASHERS?
President Obama’s administration has just surpassed that of William Henry Harrison in terms of duration, which was the shortest of all-time (32 days), but that hasn't prevented all the pundits and letter-to-the-editor writers from already declaring Barack Obama to be the worst U.S. President ever.  Uhhh, he’s only been President a freakin’ month!  Although he’s had a few missteps so far, Obama hasn’t even come close to rivaling the ineptitude we witnessed over the past eight years.  Put your poison pens away until the man actually does fuck up big-time, mmm-kay?

JOLLY GOOD SHOW, YOU BRITS!
Gold star to the British government for declaring that the Rev. Fred Phelps and his merry band of roach droppings ain’t welcome in Merry Olde England and will not be allowed into their country under any circumstances to protest at some poor Brit’s funeral.  What I still want to know is where the hell do they get the money in the first place to be able to not only criss-cross our own country like a Rock band on tour, but to also travel abroad to demonstrate at people’s funerals whom they don’t even know.  Too bad we can’t just permanently eject these tick turds on some space pod, eh?

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #9
This one mostly applies to TV, the frequently-used bit of two or more cast members doing a weekend getaway at a remote cabin in the woods where some calamity usually takes place—being stranded with no food and/or heat, getting snowed in after arriving, or having a big pissing match erupt between lovers or friends, etc. It’s amazing how TV people always happen to know someone who has a cabin in the woods, let alone who is willing to allow access to said cabin to these city-dwellers who wouldn’t even last five minutes in the great outdoors.  "Happy Days", "Cheers", "Mork & Mindy", "Frasier", "Benson", "The Partridge Family", "Sanford & Son" (minus the cabin, anyway), "All In The Family" and countless other shows are guilty of using this predictably lame gambit.

And in a related cliché, there’s the equally-implausible scenario where a show’s entire cast goes on vacation somewhere en masse, like on "Happy Days" (the infamous dude ranch and shark-jumping episodes), "Friends" (when they all went to Las Vegas) or "Saved By The Bell".  Or even wackier, how about when a show’s entire cast relocates to another city en masse, á la "Laverne & Shirley"?  Only in Hollywood…

ANOTHER NOTCH ON MY GUN BELT
Thanks to the miracle that is TV shows on DVD, I can now add the "Partridge Family" to my ever-growing list of old-school TV shows that I’ve seen each and every episode of.  Season Four of TPF was a bit grueling, too, as we innocent viewers were subjected to the shrieky moppet neighbor kid with the Moe Howard haircut, Little Ricky Seagall, who entertained the Partridges at the end of each episode he was in by warbling some dopey little song while everyone stood around with equally-dopey looks on their faces doting on the little shit.  In one particular Ricky bit, Danny Bonaduce showed great prowess at faux-guitar playing by continuing to strum away on his acoustic even when the music momentarily stopped.  Midway through that fourth and final season, the show’s producers wised up (too little, too late) and phased Little Ricky out and sent him into oblivion.  According to this tribute page, he was a Christian minister, at last report.

Anyway, here is a fairly comprehensive list of TV show that (to the best of my knowledge) I have seen every episode ever made of:

"All In The Family"
"Are You Being Served?"
"Cheers"
"Frasier"
"Gomer Pyle, USMC"
"Good Times"
"MASH"
"The Munsters"
"The Odd Couple"
"The Partridge Family"
"Pink Lady and Jeff" (all six episodes!)
"Sanford And Son"
"Square Pegs"
"Starsky And Hutch"

Do you recognize this man?

You've seen him in your lifetime, especially if you're a sports fan at all...

He evidently couldn't decide on a color on this day, so he wore all of 'em! Kinda reminds one of actor Billy Crystal, for some reason...














And here we see him (at left) in his Junior Samples tribute period.











I'll divulge the identity of this fashion plate in a future post...

Plenty of good seats still available...

Time for an ersatz tribute to the old American Basketball Association...

This gentleman had plenty of room to stretch out whilst enjoying the game.

And here's a whopping throng enjoying a Houston Mavericks game at the old Sam Houston Coliseum. The players and officials actually outnumbered the crowd!

Don't look at me--I didn't name them!

A little tribute to those poor unfortunate athletes of the past whose parents had a sense of humor (or didn't, depending on one's point of view).

I'll start you off with a few oddballs:

• Blenda Gay:  Former NFL defensive back, mostly with Washington and Philadelphia.  His first name was pronounced "Blen-DAY".  Don't ask me why...
• Boobie Clark:  Former Cincinnati Bengals running back.  Not sure if he was a "Bubble-headed" Boobie or not.
• Icky Woods:  Another former Cincinnati Bengals running back, who temporarily created a national sensation with his "Icky Shuffle" touchdown celebration dance a few years ago, and may well have been the inspiration for the Genesis song "I Can't Dance".
• Parris Duffus:  Well-traveled minor-league hockey goalie, whose last name we tended to rhyme with "Rufus"...
• Bombo Rivera:  Former Major League journeyman player, mostly with Montreal and Minnesota, but had a brief stint with our Royals in 1982.  No relation to Geraldo...
• Dit Clapper:  Hall of Fame Boston Bruins' hockey defenseman born Aubrey Victor Clapper.  I have no clue where the "Dit" came from...

Then we have a small concubine faction:

• Fair Hooker:  Former Cleveland Browns defensive back. Why anyone would name their child after a mediocre prostitute is beyond me!
• Levern Tart:  Journeyman basketball player who played in the old ABA.  His nickname was "Jelly", naturally.

And let's not forget the female anatomy division:

• Rusty Kuntz:  Former Major Leaguer/current K.C. Royals first base coach.  Yes, I know his last name is pronounced "COONCE", but somehow, us adolescents just can't resist making it rhyme with "runts'.
• I.M. Hipp:  Former Nebraska University star running back, who had a brief career in the NFL.  I never have heard what the "I.M." stood for, but he sho was Hipp, wasn't he?
• Marion Butts:  Former San Diego Chargers running back who often kicked butt.
• Homer Bush:   Journeyman Major Leaguer.  No relation to Dubya or Jed, but you'd think he might've been with a name like that.

And lastly, the male anatomy division:

• Dick Trickle:  Former NASCAR driver whom ESPN's Dan Patrick always took great pains to inform his audience where D.T. finished each week.
• Dick Lines:  Former Major League pitcher, mostly with the Red Sox in the '60s. No comment needed here.
• Dick Pole:  Former Major League pitcher with a career record of 25-37, with one save in the Major Leagues, but somehow, that qualifies him to now be a pitching coach—go figure!  Meantime, he bears the one name in sports which is GUARANTEED to elicit a chuckle from me each and every time I hear it uttered!
• Pete LaCock:  Former Major League 1st baseman, mostly with the Cubs and Royals, and son of one Pierre LaCock, Sr., better known to the world as original "Hollywood Squares" host Peter Marshall.
• Peter Ing:  Professional hockey player, last seen with the Toronto Maple Leafs (Leaves?).  I prefer to pronounce his name all as one—"Petering"!

I'm your Omblogsman

HAPPY V-D (VALENTINE’S DAY)!
As per my usual, I’m pretty nonplussed by today’s Hallmark “holiday”, and even if I did have a loved-one to participate in it with, I probably wouldn’t bother.  Just as well—I haven’t been with anyone in almost ten years, and I’m beginning to wonder if my window of opportunity has already closed to find that special someone.  I rarely meet anyone of the female persuasion that even remotely honks my hooter anymore, but you can’t accuse me of being too picky, either, at least in terms of looks.  I have no use for scrawny supermodels, and I don’t mind a woman with a little meat on her bones.  Hell, Renee Zellweger looks much better to me in Bridget Jones mode, than all emaciated like she usually is on the red carpets.  I think Mott The Hoople’s Ian Hunter once put my situation best: “All of The Good Ones Are Taken”, and what few available ones that are left out there always seem to either have more facial hair than I do, or look like Joe Torre in drag, so I’m pretty well screwed…

KISS MY ASTERISK!
“What Alex (Rodriguez) did was wrong and he will have to live with the damage he has done…there is no valid excuse for using such substances, and those who use them have shamed the game.”—MLB Commissioner Bud Selig

You tell ‘em, Bud, you righteous dude!  Yes, folks, that’s the George W. Bush of baseball commissioners denouncing a situation that took place entirely during his watch, yet he’s the one who stood around with his hands in his pockets (literally) and turned a blind eye to it all when McGwire and Sosa and Bonds and A-Rod were assailing home run records and filling stadium seats, all for the “good of the game”.  You can’t tell me this crap-weasel wasn’t aware how rampant steroid use was in the late ‘90s and early ‘00s.  Now Bud’s even waffling about the possibility of restoring Hank Aaron as the true home run king—which we already know he is, anyway.  Could someone please explain to me why Selig—who is the equivalent of a one-legged Riverdancer—is still in office?

As for the revelation that Mr. $25 mil a year (A-Rod) did steroids, does this come as a shock to anyone besides the great and powerful Bud?  I will say this, though—it’s a little warped that only A-Rod’s name came out in this latest FUBAR—what about the other 104 names that are on this list?  Seems to me that they should be revealed as well.  What’s more stunning is throughout this whole performance-enhancing drug era, attendance at Major League games continues to increase, and people (me included) are still watching the game on TV as much as they ever did.  As Don Henley sang, “They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast.”

“I REMEMBER WHEN ROCK WAS YOUNG” REVISITED
A couple months back, I did a bit about the Steve Miller Band concert that was scheduled for New Year’s Eve at the Pavilion at John Knox Village, a major retirement village in nearby Lee’s Summit, and noted the irony of a Rock concert at an old folks home.  My good friend John—who once worked at the Pavilion many years ago—was quick to chastise me about what I wrote, saying how narrow-minded and uninformed I was because they hold concerts there all the time.  I wasn’t putting it down or anything—I just thought it was an odd place for a Rock concert.  Evidently the Steve Miller show never happened, but flash ahead to the piece in Friday’s K.C. Star by columnist Mike Hendricks about the upcoming .38 Special show scheduled in two weeks at JKV in which he posed the very same question I did, “…this is taking geezer rock too far, don’t you think?  Rock concerts at nursing homes?”

According to the article, this is John Knox’s first stab at a Rock show featuring a nationally-known act, therefore to my friend John, I say I was correct (as usual) in the first place!  Even the JKV people admit that .38 isn’t exactly their residents’ demographic, but hey, if they can make a buck, more power to ‘em, I guess.  The true irony of all this is how .38 Special’s Donnie Van Zant’s late brother Ronnie of Lynyrd Skynyrd once sang (as the good Dr. Sardonicus accurately pointed out to me at the time) the line, “You won’t find me in an old folks home…”

Speaking of Brother Donnie, I love the spin-doctoring the .38 Special website puts on about how he “races across the stage ‘like a tornado’, incites audiences ‘into mass hysteria’ and makes every show ‘a heart-pounding experience.”  Uhhhh, back up the truck a minute—we ain’t exactly talking about Elvis here!  Okay, .38 is a good live band, if not a great one (I’ve seen them twice), but Donnie Van Zant doesn’t even do the bulk of the singing for this outfit—guitarist Don Barnes is the one you hear singing on nearly all of their big radio hits like “Hold On Loosely”, “Rockin’ Into The Night” and “Caught Up In You”.  DVZ is more like the Shemp Howard of Rock ‘N’ Roll singers, in a way.

EIGHT IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!
I’m sure I’m preaching to the choir here, but there’s something very warped about this octuplet-bearing chick that already had six kids (two of whom are disabled) who is hellbent on starting her own country, it appears.  This twit—who apparently donated her brain to science before she was done with it—is unwed, owes 50 grand in student loans and lives off food stamps, yet apparently plans to mooch off the government for even more financial aid to raise her flotilla of kidlets.  And whoever this doctor is that fertilized her in the first place should be strung up by his stethoscope!  And then comes word today that her publicists are leaving her because of death threats.  What the hell does she need with a publicist in the first place?  What a country…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #107
“Keep The Fire Burnin’”—R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON (1982)  “We can help one another be strong…”  Kevin Cronin sang that line so fast, I thought it was “We can help one and never be strong…” which makes absolutely no sense at all, of course.  Talk about an album (Good Trouble) that was a victim of overly-high expectations in the wake of their breakout Hi inFIdelity.  Of course, anything would’ve been a comedown after an album like that.  I always liked the title track, though.

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #8
Whenever a woman removes a wig on screen, there’s this amazing phenomenon wherein her real hair always comes tumbling out from underneath into a perfect hairstyle—never mind all the caps, hairnets, pins, staples, corkscrews and whatever other under-armor is usually a prerequisite for wearing a wig, particularly for long-haired gals.  Nah, in this parallel universe, in a just matter of seconds, these women seemingly always look like they just stepped out of the beauty salon when they take off their hairpieces.

And in a semi-related cliché scenario, it’s amazing how people in movies who are made up to be bald with rubber skullcaps almost always seem to only wear turtlenecks.

DISEASE OF THE WEEK/WEAK
Ever heard of anal glaucoma?  It’s this common affliction that causes an employee to call in sick (especially on Fridays) and inform his/her supervisor, “I just can’t see my ass coming into work today.”

Another classic from the archives...

I didn't write this, but I wish I had.  Enjoy the new rules...

1. New Rule:  Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com!  There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly like them!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
2. New Rule:  Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it cost less than a dollar.  What did you expect it to contain?  Trout?  Luckily, it was only a finger!  If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
3. New Rule:  Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged.  I have a better description for these kids:  lucky bastards.
4. New Rule:  If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay.  When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.  When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
5. New Rule:  Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.  Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:  do you have two of them?  Okay, we're done.
6. New Rule:  There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.
7. New Rule:  Stop fucking with old people.  Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, and with a bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.  And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his old ass will be in the morgue.  Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
8. New Rule:  The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're such a huge asshole.
9. New Rule:  I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.  Paper, plastic?  I don't have time for that.  I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
10. New Rule:  Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.  It's right above the crack of your ass.  And it translates to "beef with broccoli."  The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not spiritual.  You're just high.
11. New Rule:  Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's one of the seven deadly sins.  ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.  What's next, competitive farting?  Oh wait.  They're already doing that.  It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
12. New Rule:  I don't need a bigger mega M&M.  If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go wild and eat two.
13. New Rule:  No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
14. New Rule, and this one is long overdue:  No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.  I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.  I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.  I just want to wash my hands.
15. New Rule:  When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.  "27 Months."  "He's two," will do just fine.  He's not a cheese.
16. New Rule:  If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.