Friday, August 14, 2009

Three Days of Peace and Love (and Pure Dumb Luck)

"By the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong…”—J. Mitchell, 1970

Well, kids, we’ve reached the 40th anniversary of the iconic Woodstock Music And Art Fair, which took place over the long weekend of August 15-18, 1969.  I was only five years old when Woodstock happened, and I was oblivious to it, apart from the hit song “Woodstock”, which I interpreted something like this:

"We’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden…”J. Mitchell, 1970

"Madison Square Garden?”—B. Holland, 1971

It wasn’t until my late teens when I saw the documentary film back in the days when the old KY-102 used to sponsor Midnight movies at local theaters around K.C.  I remember watching it with my good friend Tom, who actually dozed off during Ten Years After’s marathon “I’m Goin’ Home”!  I was fascinated by the whole thing, though, and have absorbed as much as I could about the festival over the years.

This behemoth grows more and more mythical as time goes on, and those who claim to have attended Woodstock probably outnumber those who were actually there by about tenfold.  Furthermore, many of those “attendees” make the festival out to be some sort of idyllic paradise, which it clearly wasn’t.  I’m not trying to put it down here—Woodstock is unquestionably a landmark event in Rock (and pop culture) history—but I think its Utopian qualities have been grossly over-hyped over the years.  To wit, things weren’t nearly as groovy as the aging hippies want you to believe it was.  The people who put on the concert had to be the luckiest SOBs in the world, too.  They initially lost a shitload of money in their little venture, but managed to recoup quite bit of it with the subsequent documentary film and album(s) released later on.  And as well-intentioned as these guys were, they were also very naïve about what they were getting into, and their short-sightedness and poor planning left them flirting with disaster at nearly every turn—they were damn fortunate that Woodstock didn’t turn into a major tragedy instead.

The Woodstock Music and Art Festival started off innocently enough as a means to build a recording studio in the spring of ‘69, by some music business dudes in the town of Woodstock, NY, and before they knew it, the concert had taken on a life of its own.  They intended to put on a Rock show and art fair in Woodstock, proper, but met with resistance from the townsfolk who (rightfully so, based on results) feared a mass invasion of hippies into their quiet little hamlet.  Several other sites were considered, including nearby Wallkill and Saugerties, before one Max Yasgur offered up his dairy farm near the town of Bethel (about 120 miles WNW of New York City), which already had a natural bowl suitable for an amphitheater-type setting, for $50,000.  By the time they secured the site and proper permits and such, it was a race against time to put up the stage, ticket booths, concession stands, fencing, etc., and they lost the race.  They also didn’t take into account that they would need decent access for everyone (performers included) into and out of Yasgur’s farm.  What roads they had weren’t adequate enough for the 50,000 or so they were expecting, let alone the half-million people who did descend upon poor Bethel and vicinity, thus creating the world’s largest traffic clusterfuck in the history of mankind.  Most people just drove as far as they could and left their cars on or alongside the road and hoofed it the rest of the way to the festival, and most of the musical acts who were slated to play early on in the show struggled to get there.  The almighty helicopter eventually became the sole mode of transportation for the performers.

Chaos reigned almost from the get-go, as the ticket booths weren’t finished in time for the show, and it wasn’t long before folks figured out how to crash the party and get in without paying the whopping $8 ticket price.  Btw, eight bucks?!?  That won’t even buy you a freakin’ beer at a concert today, but I digress.  Another thing the promoters didn’t account for was providing adequate food, drinking water and sanitation for everyone, and it wasn’t long before the infrastructure was totally overwhelmed—squalor soon took over around the grossly (pun partially intended) overmatched Port-A-Potty area.

And then there was the little matter of a totally inadequate (and overworked) sound system, which caused almost as many delays as the monsoon rains that hit on the second day.  People at the top of the hill could hardly hear what was going on way down on the stage, and considering the limitations of 1969 technology, it probably didn’t sound all that great even down front.  There was also little or no lighting in the areas surrounding the venue, so I would imagine it was quite an adventure being in or near those woods after dark without a flashlight.  You also had to feel sorry for the locals in the surrounding area who suddenly found themselves dealing with thousands of strangers knocking on their doors asking for food and/or water or a place to crash for the night.  Hell, because of the traffic situation, these poor townspeople were basically trapped in their own homes for the weekend, and couldn’t even get out to pick up the bare necessities.  We’re talking FUBAR City, boys and girls!

One area where they were thinking ahead, however, was the “Freak-Out Tents” where those who got a hold of the “bad brown acid”, et al, were treated and talked down out of their bad trips.  The tents were manned by members of the “Hog Farm” commune, whose leader was counterculture hero Wavy Gravy, whom I’ve always viewed merely as a tree-hugging hippie clown, but apparently he and his people actually did do some good throughout the festival.  Early on in the proceedings, Indian guru Swami Satchadinanda spoke to the new “Woodstock Nation” and gave an invocation.  One Woodstock attendee was quoted as saying Mr. Swami “was extolling the concert as a holy gathering in his melodious Indian accent.  I listened to him and thought it was all bullshit.  This was going to be a huge drug party, pure and simple, and to masquerade it as a spiritual gathering seemed phony to me.”  While there was indeed a palpable spirit of brotherhood and sisterhood unprecedented for such a large mass of humanity, it appears this guy was pretty accurate with his assessment of the situation.  From the sounds of it, the drugs that were so readily available to everyone there somehow managed to mellow the crowd out just enough to discourage violence and keep them from killing each other when the food and water ran short.  We all saw what happens when people are deprived of food and water after x-amount of time in the wake of Hurricane Katrina four years ago, and things could’ve turned ugly real quick at Woodstock if not for the communal nature of the event.  Speaking of hurricanes, while all this was going on, Camille was busy mangling New Orleans and vicinity almost as badly as Katrina did.

Things at Woodstock could’ve also turned even uglier thanks to Mother Nature, which of course, the promoters had no control over.  One fool in the Woodstock film tried to claim the storms were a government conspiracy by which they seeded the clouds just so it would rain like hell on the concert—that’s right, the U.S. Government has time to worry about a Rock concert.  Then again, we’re talking about the Nixon administration, so who knows?  Anyway, the torrential rains turned the festival site into a major quagmire (and we ain’t talking Glen Quagmire), which provided some attendees with a natural Slip-‘N’-Slide to play around on, but had those precarious sound/spotlight towers or if the rinky-dink stage been toppled by high winds, there could’ve been major carnage.  Also because of the rain, some performers received minor shocks while grabbing microphones, playing guitar, etc.—someone could easily have been electrocuted on the stage.  Who knows now many people might’ve been killed instantly, or how numerous the casualties might’ve been because emergency personnel would’ve had great difficulty reaching the site.  Like I say, the guys who put Woodstock together were some lucky som-bitches in that there weren’t more deaths than just the handful that were reported at the festival.  For another dissenting opinion about how beautiful Woodstock was, I direct you to this fine Newsweek article.

In an effort to impress the locals while pitching their festival idea to them, the promoters tried to make it sound like Woodstock was going to be an art fair with some music on the side, but they should’ve known better that the music would be the primary focus—even though it was rather unfocused at times.  The roster of acts that played Woodstock was a strange mish-mash of big-time contemporaries like The Who, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Janis Joplin, Jefferson Airplane, the Grateful Dead, Crosby Stills Nash & Young, Jimi Hendrix, etc., along with up-and-coming acts like Santana, Joe Cocker, Ten Years After, The Band and Richie Havens thrown together with several nobodies like Quill, Bert Sommer, Sweetwater and the Keef Hartley Band.  In the case of Quill and Sommer, the only reason they were on the bill at all is because they were managed by two of the guys in charge of the festival itself.  And what on earth was Sha Na Na doing there?!?  They were about as out-of-place at Woodstock as a “Family Guy” rerun would be ABC Family Channel (right after “The 700 Club”).  If anything, the talent lineup for Woodstock was a bit too ambitious, thus three days of peace and love morphed into damn near four days, thanks in large part to weather-related and technical delays, as well as the difficulties many acts had in reaching Yasgur’s Farm in the first place.

With that mish-mash of talent came a mixed bag in terms of the quality therein, and for all the truly great performances at Woodstock, there were just as many sucky ones.  While some acts like Santana, Cocker, Sly & The Family Stone and Ten Years After played breakthrough and/or career-defining sets, others like Janis Joplin, the Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane and Jimi Hendrix (except for his blistering version of “The Star-Spangled Banner”) turned in either mediocre or poor sets.  Joplin was drunk and high out of her gourd, by most accounts, and the Dead was, well, the Dead, but there was at least some excuse for the other two.  Airplane had been waiting up all night to headline after The Who, but didn’t hit the stage until around 7:00AM on Sunday, and at least managed to play a lukewarm set—not bad, under the circumstances.  Grace Slick could barely keep her eyes open while watching bandmate Jorma Kaukonen sing “Uncle Sam Blues”.  Kaukonen himself said he was amazed they were able to play at all.  Similarly, Hendrix didn’t hit the stage until it was daylight again on Monday morning (after Sha Na Na, no less) when 90% of the crowd had left and those who remained were running on (dope?) fumes.  Jimi looked really tired and bored himself—a mere shadow of that frenetic dude who set his guitar on fire at Monterrey just two years earlier.  Sadly, this marked the beginning of the end for Jimi Hendrix.  Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?

While I freely admit I’m totally biased because of my allegiance to this band, I’ll still declare that The Who was clearly the standout act at Woodstock.  By WHO standards, Woodstock was only a so-so gig for them, to the point where Pete Townshend has blocked attempts for years to have their entire Woodstock set released on CD—only “Pinball Wizard”, “Sparks”, “See Me, Feel Me” and “Summertime Blues” are available on CD or DVD thus far.  But if you remember the old axiom:  The Who on a bad night was still far superior to most other bands on their BEST nights, and the ‘Orrible ‘Oo blew everyone else on Yasgur’s Farm away with their performance of the brand new Tommy album, almost in its entirety.  By the way, if you look real closely in the film, you can see Roger Daltrey’s appendix scar!  The Who’s set actually could’ve been one for the ages had they played at their originally scheduled time before their drinks got spiked with acid and if they’d been paid on time.  As the story goes, the $12,500 fee for headlining artists was paid in cashier’s checks, locked away in a local bank.  The Who (along with The Grateful Dead) insisted on being paid up-front (probably wisely) before they went on stage, so the promoters had to wake up the poor bank president (I keep picturing Homer Bedlow!) in the middle of the night to get him to open the vault and get the cash to pay the bands before they went on—bet he was just thrilled beyond repair with that!

The Who themselves were not happy campers anyway at Woodstock, as Townshend attests:  “All those hippies wandering about thinking the world was going to be different from that day…As a cynical English arsehole I walked through it all and felt like spitting on the lot of them and shaking them and trying to make them realize that nothing had changed and nothing was going to change.  Not only that, what they thought was an alternative society was basically a field full of six-foot deep mud and laced with LSD.  If that was the world they wanted to live in, then fuck the lot of them.”  Daltrey added, “That was the worst gig we ever played…We waited in a field of mud for 14 hours, sitting on some boards, doing nothingand doing nothing is the most exhausting thing in the world.”  And when asked if he would be interested in playing at any sort of Woodstock anniversary concert during the ‘80s, the late John Entwistle said something to the effect of “They (the promoters) can go get stuffed!”

Apart from The Who, the truly standout performances were this new guy Santana’s “Soul Sacrifice”, Joe Cocker’s epileptic fit during “With A Little Help From My Friends”, Sly & The Family Stone’s roof-raising (if they had one) “I Want To Take You Higher”, Richie Havens’ “Freedom” (which he made up as he went along!) and Ten Years After’s ten-minute “I’m Goin’ Home”.  Ironically, TYA’s future 1971 hit single, “I’d Love To Change The World” would’ve slotted in perfectly at Woodstock, given the mission statement and general vibes of the event and all.  From what I’ve read, The Band and C.C.R. also turned in fine sets at Woodstock, but I’ve not heard or seen enough of either of them to comment.  Other unforgettable moments include Arlo Guthrie’s pronouncement, “The New York State Thruway’s closed!”, and what was probably the world’s first obscene public spelling lesson, courtesy of Country Joe McDonald:  “Gimme an ‘F’!...Gimme a ‘U’!...Gimme a ‘C’!...Gimme a ‘K’!...What’s that spell?!?...What’s that spell?!?...”  This undoubtedly had Mister Rogers, Captain Kangaroo and school teachers throughout the land reaching for their smelling salts when they heard about it…

It’s also interesting to factor in the major acts who didn’t play at Woodstock.  There’s no way the promoters could’ve afforded The Beatles, and I doubt if they would’ve appeared anyway, given the dissention within the Fab Four at that point.  Just as well—John woulda brought Yoko, anyway.  The Rolling Stones were also out of the promoters’ price range, plus they had concerns that Mick Jagger might incite a riot with their more radical new material like “Street Fighting Man” and “Sympathy For The Devil”.  Violence at a Stones concert?  Couldn’t possibly happ—oh, wait a minute…  Bob Dylan was planning to be there—he actually lived in the town of Woodstock—but his son (Jakob, I’m assuming) took ill that weekend, so he dropped out.  The Moody Blues were offered a spot on the bill, but had just returned to England after a U.S. tour, and it would’ve cost them a fair chunk of change to fly back to the States just for one show, so they figured it wasn’t worth it.  The promoters tried to get The Doors, too, but Jim Morrison was paranoid that someone would assassinate him on-stage, plus he was already in deep doo-doo for flashing his talleywhacker on-stage in Miami earlier in the year.  Iron Butterfly was originally on the bill, but kept making too many demands about transportation and such that they were unceremoniously dropped.  Upstarts Led Zeppelin might’ve gotten an even bigger bounce to begin their career in the States by playing Woodstock, but they passed on the gig too, for whatever reason.  Deep Purple hadn’t quite hit their stride yet in ‘69 (singer Ian Gillan had yet to join them) and Cream might’ve been an interesting Woodstock act, too, but they’d already broken up by then.  And putting aside my personal bias again, wouldn't Black Oak Arkansas have been a juicy addition to the Woodstock lineup, what with Jim Dandy's psuedo-religious Utopian between-song rants?  I have no doubt the mud-pie crowd would've ate those guys up, had they come along a couple years sooner...

And then there was the infamous (Sh)Abbie Hoffman incident at Woodstock.  This clown was nothing but a counterculture trouble-maker and self-promoter who I frankly think exploited a lot of drugged-out kids for his own cause (as did “Dr.” Timothy Leary).  He thought he’d just stroll up on stage right smack dab in the middle of The Who’s set and say a few words on behalf of his buddy John Sinclair, who was in prison for smoking a joint.  Real brilliant idea, Abigail!  To paraphrase the late Jim Croce, you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, you don’t spit into the wind, you don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger, and you don’t interrupt ANY band while they’re on-stage, let alone THE WHO!  Hoffman barely got one sentence out before Chairman Townshend sidled over and exclaimed, “(Get the) Fuck off my fucking stage!” and bopped Abbie with his guitar and sent him stumbling off the stage.  This exchange can be clearly heard on The Who’s Maximum R&B box set, but sadly, the camera guys whiffed and it wasn’t caught on film for posterity—too bad camera phones didn’t exist back then! Townshend then proceeded to declare, “Next person who tries that gets killed—I mean it!”  Pete later admitted he acted badly by giving Hoffman the heave-ho, saying, “What Abbie was saying was politically correct in many ways…The people at Woodstock really were a bunch of hypocrites claiming a cosmic revolution simply because they took over a field, broke down some fences, imbibed bad acid and then tried to run out without paying the band.  All while John Sinclair rotted in jail over a trumped-up drug bust.”  Personally, I still think Hoffman was a fool, and people like him and Leary and their ilk were total losers.  I say again, drugs are bad—mmm-kay?  Oh, by the way, Timothy Leary’s dead, ya know…

As I re-watched my Woodstock DVD again last night and looked at all those young people in the crowd and the performers on stage, it made me kinda sad to think that everyone there is now exactly 40 years older—assuming they didn’t O.D.—and even worse, many of them are dead now.  Those who endured the entire festival and stayed until the bitter end deserved some sort of medal of honor (or a Section 8, I’m not sure which) and I admire their stamina.  Two days, I could probably have withstood, but after that, I’d have been miserable.

I’m glad to see that no one is trying to stage a 40th anniversary Woodstock in light of the debacles that were Woodstock ’94 (which featured more mudslinging than the GOP and Democratic conventions combined) and Woodstock ’99 (which featured various acts of vandalism, pillaging, arson and rape).  So much for all that “peace and love” crap, huh?  Nothing wrong with celebrating the anniversary of the original festival, but neither of those concerts came anywhere close to recapturing the spirit or vibes of 1969, and it’s useless to try, anyway—you can’t catch lightning in a bottle.  Personally, I think all those hippies in 1969 were pretty naïve to think they were going to change the world just because 400,000 people got along swimmingly at a Rock concert over one weekend.  As we all know, their bubble would burst three months later at Altamont, but Woodstock is still a fascinating phenomenon, warts and all.

And its legacy lives on in this little guy...

My Top 10 Woodstock moments:
1) The Who’s set

2) “Gimme an F! Gimme a U!…What’s that spell? What’s that spell?”--Country Joe McDonald
3) The Abbie Hoffman incident
4) “The Star-Spangled Banner”--Jimi Hendrix
5) “The New York State Thruway’s closed!”--Arlo Guthrie
6) “I don't know how to speak to 20 people at one time, let alone a crowd like this…and I God Bless you for it!”—Max Yasgur
7) “What we have in mind is breakfast in bed for 400,000!”—Wavy Gravy
8) Joe Cocker’s epileptic fit during “With A Little Help From My Friends”
9) "This is the second time we've ever played in front of people, man. We're scared shitless!”—Stephen Stills
10) “Let Me Take You Higher”—Sly & The Family Stone

Friday, August 7, 2009

And the blog played on...

Been a while since I did a current events post, so it's back the ol' grind...

JOHN HUGHES, 1950-2009
Hard to imagine what the ‘80s would’ve been like without this man’s body of work.  Filmmaker John Hughes, who died yesterday of a heart attack, quietly put together a fairly prolific career as writer/director/producer of such ‘80s teen fare as The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Weird Science and Pretty In Pink, as well as John Candy vehicles Trains, Planes And Automobiles (vehicles—get it?) and Uncle Buck, along with Mr. Mom, Christmas Vacation and the 1990 blockbuster Home AloneSixteen Candles is oft-quoted around our office—"Oh, Dong…grandpa is talking to you!", "Automobile?!?", "She’s gotten her boobies," and "Donger need food!" etc.  Another favorite of mine was "Can you describe the ruckus?" from Breakfast Club.  Oddly enough, we hadn’t heard much from Hughes after Home Alone, with his last directing credit being the 1991 clunker, Curly Sue.  JH generally shunned the limelight, and was a bit of a mysterious individual, rarely being interviewed or photographed.  I’m sure everyone else is using this line in their blog tributes to Hughes, too, but as the line in Ferris Bueller goes, he was a "righteous dude".

A MOMENT OF SILENCE, PLEASE…
…for my #2 favorite local BBQ emporium, K.C. Masterpiece, which closed down last week.  Located just a few blocks from my workplace, KCM had even better brisket than my #1 local favorite, Gates BBQ, but their ribs weren’t quite as good.  Another menu item that was a big favorite around our office was the "Fall Off The Bone" salad that had shredded pork mixed in with the greenery, and I gladly made many a lunch run for my co-workers.  Masterpiece was bought out by some other company a couple years ago, and we noticed the quality of the food gradually diminish in the process.  I knew something wasn’t right when they closed their location at the Country Club Plaza (which you often had to wait in line for) and it turns out this company owed Uncle Sam a boatload of back taxes, hence the closure of the Overland Park location.  According to the paper, these boobs claim they want to re-open in suburban Blue Springs later this year with a "new concept", but it all sounds like spin-doctoring to me.  All that that remains is the famous K.C. Masterpiece line of BBQ sauces, which you can still buy at the grocery store.

ONE MORE MOMENT OF SILENCE, PLEASE…
…for the Arena Football League, which suspended operations apparently for good, this week.  We’ll keep it a brief moment of silence, though, since I don’t think I’ll miss it all that much.  The sport was too gimmicky and playing tackle football on half a field is like playing hockey in a phone booth—too claustrophobic for me…

IT WAS A VERY BAD YEAR…
Bryan Adams overlooked a few things in his hit song "Summer of ‘69", because the 40th anniversaries are hitting us hot and heavy these days, and we’re on the eve of yet another—it was 40 years ago tomorrow that the Manson Family scared the hell out of California (and the nation) with their brutal slayings of actress Sharon Tate and her friends on August 8, 1969, followed by more mayhem the next night at the LaBianca house in L.A.  It’s amazing to think you had the Manson murders, Woodstock and Hurricane Camille all occurring within about ten days of each other—quite an eventful period.  And just for perspective, yours truly even started kindergarten a couple weeks after that, too.  The second half of 1969 was full of landmark events (both good and bad), what with the Apollo 11 moon landing in July, the "Miracle Mets" winning the World Series in October and the infamous Rolling Stones Altamont concert in early December.  It was also quite a memorable time here in K.C. as 1969 saw the advent of the expansion Royals, and more importantly, the Chiefs’ Super Season when they won it all.  Not only that, but Apollo 13, the breakup of The Beatles and the Kent State tragedy were just around the corner in 1970, too.  Forty freakin’ years, already?  Hard to believe…

OH, WILL YOU LET IT GO, ALREADY!!
When are the conservatives/Republicans going to knock off this witch hunt over Obama’s citizenship?  Naturally, Rush Limbaugh is one of the fools leading the charge to convince everyone that B.O. is an undesirable alien—this coming from a man who once changed his legal name (and bringing shame to the good name of Brian in the process).  This is just more sour grapes because their guy lost the election in November.  I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating—we put up with their village idiot in the White House for eight years and look what it got us.  Let’s give the new guy a shot and see what happens.

I LIKE BEER…
…but not when it’s used for a photo-op/publicity stunt/damage control like Obama did last week in his contrived "Beer Summit" with this Professor Gates character and the cop who busted him for trying to break into his own house. [Hope you’re paying attention, Tom and John—I’m bashing Obama here!]  Beer Summit sounds like something Dubya would've come up with, doesn't it?  That whole thing got totally blown out of proportion anyway, and if Gates had merely produced some ID, he probably wouldn’t have been handcuffed.  As for the neighbor who called 911, I can’t believe she didn’t even recognize the man who lives nextdoor to her.  I’m not real crazy about my current nextdoor neighbors, but I at least know what they look like!  Btw, I’m surprised the media didn’t automatically refer to this thing as "Gates-gate".

"YOU WON’T FIND ME IN AN OLD FOLKS HOME…"
But you might find the Old Folks Home at the Kansas City Chefs training camp, as they’ve continued their tradition of signing elderly players, and this time it’s former N.Y. Giants wideout Amami Toomer, who joins the almost equally-old Bobby Engram on the squad.  Why is it we always get these Pro Bowl-caliber players at the END of their careers, like Joe Montana, Marcus Allen, Patrick Surtain, Pete Stoyanovich, Ty Law, Morten Andersen, et al, instead of finding guys like them in the draft?  Dare I say it?  This is getting really OLD!

CLASSIC MISHEARD FAMOUS NAME #1
Gore Vidal—When I was a kid watching Johnny Carson, I always thought he was talking about someone named "Gorvy Dahl".

CLASSIC MISHEARD FAMOUS NAME #2
Franco Harris—When Franco first came to fame with the Pittsburgh Steelers, I first thought his name was "Frank O’Harris"!  That was, until I saw his name on his jersey and realized he was Italian instead of Irish…

REALLY BAD TELEVISION
Just for shits and hoots, I recently borrowed a VHS copy of the "Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts" from the library.  I used to think these shows were the cat’s ass back when I was a kid in the ‘70s, but viewing them now with 45-year-old eyes, they are positively putrid.  The lame skits, hackneyed one-liners and forced laughter amongst those on the dais were bad enough, but what I found amazing was how the person being roasted—the late Carroll O’Connor and Redd Foxx, on this tape—looked as if they would much rather be somewhere else!  And those shows all seemed to have the same set of panelists every time out—Nipsey Russell, Milton Berle, Phyllis Diller, Marty Allen, Don Rickles, Jimmie Walker, Foster Brooks, Joey Bishop, et al—and amongst all of them, only Rickles managed to make me laugh out loud.  The celebrity roast genre has been revived on cable here over the last couple years, but sadly, it’s every bit as cheesy now as it was then.  The Gene Simmons roast featuring such "funny" men as Andrew Dice Clay, Danny Bonaduce and Carrot Top made me want to throw up in my mouth.

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #22
Are there any TV sitcoms out there that haven’t used the lame old gambit where two or more characters find themselves locked inside a cellar/storeroom/vault (or trapped in an elevator or on a rooftop) for an extended period of time?  I can think of at least ten without even trying:  "Happy Days", "Friends", "The Nanny", "All In The Family", "The Munsters", "Frasier", "MASH", "WKRP In Cincinnati", "The Jeffersons" and "The Love Boat" are just a few examples.  Not terribly creative, that’s for sure…

IN YOUR FACE(BOOK)
Against my better judgment, I created a Facebook account recently, but I’m still not completely sold on it yet.  The thing I dislike most about it is how it’s sort of replaced blogging in general.  I’ve noticed a major decline in activity on the blogs that I read regularly, and I think a lot of it has to do with Facebook and the whole Twitter thing, which appeal to the short attention span crowd more.  I’m much more at home here on the blog where I can write whatever and however much I want, whereas you’re very limited and have to censor yourself on Facebook a lot more.  I also don’t like how it’s taken the place of personal e-mails too, as some of my good friends tend to blow mine off without responding to them, which pisses me off sometimes.  And based on some of the stuff my longtime friends post on Facebook, it’s almost like they’re strangers to me sometimes.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Travelblog, St. Louis - Part III

And for my final installment about my weekend trip, here’s a look at the (fairly) new home of the St. Louis Cardinals, Busch Stadium II.  Just to clarify, I refer to the current ballpark as "II" and its predecessor as Busch Stadium I, even though some fans like to think of old Sportsman’s Park as the first Busch Stadium, because it also went by that name toward the end of its tenure.

"YOU GOT TO TELL HIM, HE’S STILL THE MAN!"
No visit to a Cardinals game is complete without passing by the Stan Musial statue on the third base side.  I personally think they should’ve had him facing toward the ballpark instead of away from it, but no matter, he’s still the greatest Cardinal of them all.  I heartily agree with those who say that Stan The Man is grossly underrated and is often overlooked when the ESPN talking heads reel off their all-time greats lists.  Same goes for Frank Robinson, come to think of it.  Only because Musial played in the Midwest instead of for the Yankees, Dodgers or Red Sox does he not get more acclaim.  I’d gladly have taken him on my team over Joe DiMaggio and Mickey Mantle, whom I think are a bit overrated.  Hell, Stan was such a badass, he gets TWO statues at Busch II!

I SEE RED PEOPLE!
St. Louis Cardinals games are the most fun to attend in the Major Leagues because the atmosphere is so electric.  Even back when the Royals were a good team, the ambience at Kauffman Stadium seemed more battery-powered than electric compared with the festive air in and around Busch Stadium on game day.  If you hate the color red, then I wouldn’t recommend attending a Cards game, since nearly everyone in attendance is wearing it.  Of course, St. Louis has quite a history to be proud of—ten World Series titles and a flotilla of Hall of Famers—and the fans should be justifiably proud of their team.  Since divisional play began in 1969, the Cardinals have only finished in last place one time (1990).  Pretty impressive.

THE MISSING LINK?
The current fad in stadium design that’s all the rage is where a significant chunk of the grandstand is omitted for no particular reason like at the top right of this shot (taken from my seat).  The new parks in Detroit and Cincinnati have this feature too, as does the New England Patriots’ Gillette Stadium, and I believe the new Twins stadium in Minneapolis will be likewise.  They even gouged two hunks out of the upper deck at Kauffman Stadium during the recent renovations too, and I don’t really get the point of it—it looks really hokey to me.  Seems to me you could put more seats in those gaps and attract more fans to the stadium, but I keep forgetting that it’s all about the hoity-toity luxury suites and not the Joe Fan seating area anymore.

DUMB QUESTION, BUT...
...why are the two big video boards placed practically side-by-side here?  Can you say "redundant"?  Meanwhile, from my nosebleed seat in the upper deck in right field, I could only see the top half of the video board with the birds and clock on it, and from my vantage point (even when the old drunk fuck in front of me was actually seated), I couldn’t get any out-of-town scores or even the linescore of the Cardinal game, not even on the auxiliary ribbon board on the third base side.  Seems to me they could’ve placed one of the big boards over in left field where there’s nothing going on so everyone in the stadium can see at least one of them in full.  I expect better planning than this in a state-of-the-art stadium.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE?  WHERE DID THEY TAKE THE VILLAGE?!?
Okay, so where’s the mythical "Ballpark Village" that was supposed to replace Busch Stadium I after its demise?  All I see here is a big void with a half-assed parking lot and a big mud puddle, so far.  From what I’ve heard, the grandiose plans they once had for this thing were all shot down because they ran out of money while building the stadium.  In the process, St. Louis lost the National Bowling Hall of Fame, which was originally located next to Busch I, and was slated to be part of the Ballpark Village complex, but they got a better offer and moved to Arlington, Texas (with its rich bowling tradition, naturally), and the Cardinals Hall of Fame is in a state of limbo as well.  What I wish they had done was leave the remaining superstructure of Busch Stadium I standing and develop it into a mixed-use complex with condos, shops, bars, restaurants, etc., with the Cardinals Hall of Fame right smack dab over where the infield was, with the pitcher’s mound and home plate as its centerpiece.  Could’ve been really cool, but noooooooo!  Better be careful St. Lou, or Arlington will outbid you for the Cardinals Hall of Fame too...



As for Busch I, I miss that place a lot.  I saw more Major League games outside of Kansas City at Busch I than any other park, and of all the so-called "cookie-cutter" dual-purpose stadiums built in the ‘60s and ‘70s, it was far and away the best.  I loved the scalloped roof that mimicked the Gateway Arch all the way around.  The Cardinals did a nice job of retrofitting it in the late ‘90s after it ceased doubling as a football stadium by installing real grass and giving it more of a "ballpark" feel.  It still looked nice on the outside in its final years, but the stadium’s infrastructure (plumbing, electrical, etc.) had serious issues and the team was running out of duct tape and band-aids.  Before going ahead with Busch II, though, they even gave serious consideration to doing a total overhaul (a la Kauffman Stadium here) in lieu of replacing it, but it proved to be unfeasible.  I still say they could’ve at least left part of the grandstand intact.  I trust the good people of St. Louis will someday erect a historical marker when they finally do fill the void left behind.

SUBTLE, YET CREATIVE
One feature I really liked were these bay window-like extensions of the exit portals along the upper deck façade.  They allow a bit more space for people to walk without ruining the look of the place.  Brilliant idea…







"GO CRAZY, FOLKS, GO CRAZY!"
If you like statues, Busch Stadium II’s got ‘em.  This would be venerable St. Louis play-by-play man Jack Buck, whose likeness is mounted into the wall outside the park behind left-center field.  I hear some horse’s patoots keep making off with his microphone—no class!  All of the other Cardinals Hall of Famers are honored in bronze just up the block at the corner of 7th and Clark at the left field entrance, including Ozzie Smith, Dizzy Dean, Enos Slaughter, Red Schoendienst, Bob Gibson, Lou Brock and many more.  Tony LaRussa and Albert Pujols will no doubt be joining them one of these days.  Too bad Mark McGwire probably won’t be…

MY BUSCH STADIUM II REPORT CARD
Having watched numerous games on TV from Busch II and seen it in person from the outside already, it always seemed to me that the place was missing something, but I could never quite pinpoint what it was.  I do like the place a lot better after actually attending a game in it, but I still can’t quite put my finger on what it’s lacking.  They righted a wrong by aiming home plate toward the Gateway Arch, and the view of the surrounding skyscrapers is spectacular, but there’s just nothing real distinctive about Busch Stadium II.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice ballpark, no question, but it kinda looks like all the other new stadiums out there.  Overall, I would give the place an A-, but I have to take points off for the scoreboard setup I detailed above, so Busch II gets a B+.

WARNING:  Religious commentary ahead—if you’re easily offended, then skip the rest of this post.

SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!
Hate to end on a bad note, but I have to get this out my system.  My ballpark visit was partially tainted by some tag-team street corner messiahs squawking on a bullhorn and waving signs outside the stadium, all the while quoting scripture and telling people they are going to hell if they aren’t "born again".  I don’t mean to offend youse believers out there, but it really grinds my gears when these impudent self-appointed jackasses force-feed their unsolicited religious dogma upon innocent baseball fans.  I’d fully expect this kind of crap outside of a heavy metal concert or Gay Pride festival or something, but not at a freakin’ ballgame!  And, yes, I tried to ignore them, but this bullhorn blowhard was so bloody loud, even my iPod cranked up at full blast couldn’t drown him out—you could clearly hear every word he said from a block away!  People on their cellphones couldn’t even carry on their conversations amongst all the cacophony, and I could still even hear this Neolitihic dipshit clear as day once I got into the stadium itself (from the upper deck, no less).  It’s unfortunate that some fools choose to spoil everyone else’s good time, and unfortunately, the Cardinals couldn’t do a thing about this public nuisance because these goomers weren’t on the stadium property itself.

Ironically, as I viewed this farcical spectacle with my iPod in shuffle mode, almost right on cue the song "I’m Alive" by heavy metal band W.A.S.P. popped up, which is all about phony "men of God" and features the line "Damn you, holy man, alive."  Couldn’t have said it better myself.  Another line goes, "Tell me, what’s in it for you?", which is what I always wonder about these arrogant boobs—I mean, do they truly think they’re actually making a difference, anyway?  If so, they’re legends in their own minds.  Holy Rollers like this are a big reason why I’m a non-believer—if there really is a God, I find it impossible to believe that He would send small-time bozos like them to spread His word—come on, Mr. G, surely you can do better than that!  As for all this "born again" business, I subscribe to Dennis Miller’s take on it:  "Pardon me for getting it right the first time."  Organized religion is a very thorny issue with me, and I have no doubt my good friends who are church-goers look down on me because of my agnostic attitude, and in some ways, I also feel I've been kicked to the curb by them because of it.  I am what I am, and I make no apologies for it, and I just don’t get the whole God/Jesus thing, nor do I really want to.  At least give me credit for being honest and true to myself.

End of sermon.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Travelblog, St. Louis - Part II

Here’s a rundown of my non-baseball encounters and observations during my weekend trip, which I’ll categorize as The Good, The Bad and The Quirky…

THE GOOD
=======
"LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN, MY FRIEND…"
It’s been nearly 40 years since I laid eyes on the Gateway Arch for the first time, and it’s still a thrill seeing it whenever I get back to town.  Coolest man-made thing on this planet, bar none.  "And that’s all I have to say about that…"—F. Gump












WHERE STAN THE MAN AND DIZZY ROAMED
And this would be the old factory just across the street, which gives you a general idea of the wretchedness of the neighborhood the ballpark resided in.  The area was already in decline 43 years ago when the stadium closed and both sets (decks?) of Cards fled to downtown, and sadly, the ‘hood has yet to recover—it now makes the 22nd & Brooklyn area here in K.C. where old Municipal Stadium once stood seem like Beverly Hills by comparison.  By all indications, Sportsman’s was a neat old ballpark, and if Doc Brown ever gets that damn flux capacitor thing working, I plan to time-travel to attend a game there, drink Budweiser till I bust and listen to Harry Caray and Jack Buck call the Cards’ game on the radio.

WELL, THE FOX IS A-ROCKIN’—DON’T BOTHER KNOCKIN’
Unlike Kansas City sometimes, St. Louis reveres its history, and grand old theaters like the fabulous Fox Theater still thrive there today.  Like so many of its Depression-era brethren, the Fox experienced death (closed in 1978) and re-birth (renovated and revived in 1982) and it hosted Chuck Berry’s 60th birthday concert in 1986, which was featured in Taylor Hackford’s fine documentary film Hail! Hail! Rock ‘N’ Roll!.  George Thorogood’s Live in ‘99 CD was recorded there, as well.  I’d love to see the inside of the Fox, and one of these fine days, I’m gonna get my hiney down to this beautiful old place and catch a concert.

SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN!
I’ve been trying to get a good photo of this rascal for years, but it’s very difficult to access it from ground level because of its location, so this shot on the fly from the highway will have to do.  It looks even prettier when it’s all lit up at night—they just don’t make ‘em like this anymore!  I love seeing old-school signage like this (the big Citgo sign across from Fenway Park in Boston being another good example) still surviving in this age of fancy hi-def electronic advertising boards.  Sadly, the upkeep costs must be very exorbitant, and I fear these behemoths will soon go the way of the dinosaur and the 8-track tape.

I HEAR THAT TRAIN A-COMIN’…
Back in the ‘80s, the good people of St. Louis concocted the brilliant idea of converting its aging and obsolete train depot into a shopping center and tourist attraction, and Union Station is one of my regular stops when I’m in town.  Kansas City struggled for years trying to figure out what to do with its own Union Station, but duplicating St. Lou’s shopping center idea proved to be redundant with Crown Center already right across the street, so we’re stuck with the underwhelming Science City attraction here.  Too bad, because our US could’ve been every bit as fun as St. Lou’s.  Sadly, like most shopping malls across the land, the StL Station has lost a few tenants since the last time I was there, like the British-themed shop that specialized in Beatles memorabilia, as well as Hooters and several other stores, but there’s a Hard Rock Café there and numerous other unique shops—well worth the visit, if you’re in town.

I DON’T NEED NO DOCTOR…
…but if I did, I don’t think I’d mind being sick in this handsome structure, the new St. Louis University Hospital, which has materialized since my last visit.  Looks pretty snazzy to me.





THE BAD
=======
SOME USED-TO-BE’S DON’T COUNT ANYMORE, APPARENTLY

Okay, St. Louis doesn't always revere it's history after all.  This is what now occupies the former site of the mighty St. Louis Arena on Oakland Avenue, where the Blues used to play.  Time marches on, and it’s great that the land isn’t going to waste, as it now houses a hotel and office complex (which includes a radio station conglomerate, I believe), but given how St. Louis honors its past, I’m very disappointed there’s no historical marker on the site some ten years after the Arena was demolished.  The "Old Barn" was beloved by many St. Louisans (St. Louisites?), and it was my favorite old school hockey arena ever (see my tribute post), and is totally worthy of some sort of commemorative marker.  Come on, folks—get on the ball!  Or should I say get on the puck?

LAST TRAIN TO CLARKSVILLE?
I was having a dandy time imbibing down at Laclede’s Landing after the Cardinals game Saturday night, and had every intention of being (as the Who song goes) "out of my brain on the train" on the way back to my hotel out by the airport.  Unbeknownst to me, the MetroLink trains turn into pumpkins at Midnight and I missed the last one by ten bleepin’ minutes, thus resulting in an unexpected $25 cab ride—D’OH!  Okay, my bad for not checking the train skeds in advance, but you’d think on weekend nights they’d run them at least until after the bars close down to keep some of the drunks off the streets.

A PIECE OF ADVICE, FOR YOU TRAVELERS
Avoid the Motel 6 by Lambert Airport in St. Louis.  I generally have pretty good luck at Tom Bodett's favorite chain, but this location left a lot to be desired—poor upkeep, unsavory clientele, assholes begging for change in the parking lot, etc.

THE QUIRKY
===========
COOL ARKY-TECTURE
This is one of the more unique office buildings I’ve seen in a while.  Better hope that one leg doesn’t collapse, tho!












FUSCHI QUE APESTA?!?

Pardon my Spanish, but I got a kick out this BBQ place downtown, which was closed at the time I snapped the photo.  The sign still rang true, though, as one of those horse-drawn romantic love carriages happened by and the horsie-doody was quite odoriferous!






DON’T BUG ME!
This caught my eye just down the street from Sportsman’s Park.  I’m so pleased to see this—those private Pest Control clubs are so damn hard to get into these days, unless you know another member! 


Meantime, just up the block, the cops were executing search and seizure on a vehicle while a handcuffed young white couple watched helplessly on the curb.  I didn’t see a "COPS" camera crew anywhere around, tho…


This is the view from centerfield straight to where home plate used to be at old Sportsman’s Park, north of downtown on Grand Blvd., where Stan Musial, Dizzy Dean and the rest of the great St. Louis Cardinal players—as well as the decrepit St. Louis Browns—did their thing. I believe The Beatles played at Sportsman’s in ’64 and/or ’65 as well, when the park was known as Busch Stadium. The property is now site of the Boys & Girls Club of America, and ironically, its football field is in pretty close alignment with where they laid out the gridiron for the St. Louis football Cardinals in the early ‘60s.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Travelblog, St. Louis--Part 1

It’s amazing how a brief little road trip can re-kindle my creative Mojo, and I can now declare my writing slump officially ovah!  I had a reasonably good time over the weekend at my “home away from home”, St. Louis.  I plan to provide photographic coverage tomorrow or Wed. of my encounters as well as the new Busch Stadium, but for now, just a few misc. items.

WHY I LOVE THE GATEWAY CITY
Kansas City is home for me and I love it (warts and all) because, well, it’s home, but St. Louis is far and away my favorite city on earth in this hemisphere.  I was six going on seven the first time we went to St. Louis as a family, and I’ll never forget when we rounded I-70 on the NE side of town and I caught my first glimpse of the Gateway Arch, how I was totally mesmerized by this beautiful and striking behemoth.  Then we rode up to the top of it and I saw the former Busch Stadium from above and I was totally blown away.  I’ve loved St. Louis ever since.

Even without the mighty Arch, there is so much to do and see in St. Lou and the place just has so much more soul and character than K.C. does, and everything seems so much hipper there.  Even the street names are cooler in St. Louis—Natural Bridge Road, Jennings Station Road, Vandeventer Ave., Gravois Ave., Kingshighway (which I first thought was pronounced “King-shig-way” when I was a little kid!), Tesson Ferry Road, Pestalozzi St., and my personal favorite, St. Charles ROCK Road.  Some are even hilarious, like Fee Fee Street!  Anyway, while it has a big-city feel to it, St. Louis isn’t as unwieldy or overwhelming as say, Chicago, Boston or New York, and even though I’ve been there dozens of times, I never grow tired of visiting.  I’ve even toyed with the idea of relocating there a time or two.  To me, St. Louis is like a favorite pair of old shoes—so very comfortable and reassuring.

MEET ME IN ST. LOUIE?  D’OH!
My apologies to the good Dr. Sardonicus for not being able to hook up at the Cardinals game Saturday night.  I didn’t check my e-mail until very late Friday night, so I didn’t get Jenn’s note until it was too late to react.  Like I say, this trip was an impulse decision on my part, and I didn’t even know I was going to St. Louis until Thursday afternoon.  I also apologize if you tried to find me in my assigned seat based on the coordinates I relayed to Jenn.  I only lasted there until the 4th inning because of the old drunk fuck in front of me who kept standing up and blocking my view, not to mention all the short-attention-span idiots in my row who kept getting up and leaving every half inning (I got stuck with an aisle seat), thus causing me to miss most of the action on the field.  It’s also usually my practice when visiting a stadium for the first time to roam the entire premises and see the park from all angles—the game isn’t all that important to me.  Maybe we can do a Blues game sometime this Fall, instead.

ST. LOUIS DOES KNOW JACK
In addition to having cooler street names than K.C., St. Louis also has a far superior selection of fast food places to choose from, including the venerable Jack-In-The-Box chain.  I just love their burgers, and they also have an excellent breakfast menu, which they serve 24/7, unlike McDonald’s, Burger King and Wendy’s, et al.  We had JITB in the K.C area briefly in the late ‘70s/early ‘80s, but they gave up on us and closed them all.  Now would be a dandy time for a comeback, and with the wide variety on their menu, I would think Jack would do a little better around these parts this time.

SIMPLY DE-VINYL
Another of my favorite haunts in St. Lou was/is a place called Music Exchange, a huge used record and CD store on Hampton Avenue on the south side.  Seems they’ve gotten huge-er since my last visit, having outgrown their old store and moved up the street to a bigger location.  I no longer buy vinyl records these days, but visiting the Exchange is sorta like going to the library, and it’s so much fun just to flip through the zillions of albums and check out the cover art and old labels from a bygone era.  I was most impressed that they had at least one copy of every original Paul Revere & The Raiders album that was released on Columbia Records in the ‘60s and ‘70s.  You true audiophiles who are really into vinyl will lose your minds in this place, which is almost like a musical museum, in a way—if they ain’t got it, chances are it doesn’t exist!  And although they emphasize vinyl from every genre of music there, ME also sells CDs, cassettes, video games and DVDs, along with tons of other music memorabilia.  Allow at least two hours if you plan to visit…

REAL ROCK RADIO STILL LIVES!
As per my usual on St. Louis road trips, I tuned in K-SHE 95’s Sunday morning classics show on the radio, and it didn’t disappoint.  When was the last time you heard stuff like Tony Carey’s “I Won’t Be Home Tonight”, Chris DeBurgh’s “Don’t Pay The Ferryman” or Queen’s “I’m In Love With My Car” on the radio?  They also dug up Sammy Hagar’s version of Otis Redding’s “Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay”, which was my radio introduction to Hagar in 1979, and I don’t think I’d heard it in over 20 years until yesterday.  Gold Star, too, for the inclusion of Roger Daltrey’s “Free Me” from McVicar in 1980, and especially “Saved By The Music” by Moody Blues mainstays Justin Hayward and John Lodge on their 1975 sideline project Blue Jays—a song I really liked off the MB box set, but had never heard on the radio until yesterday.  Why the filth-flarn-filth can’t any Kansas City radio stations even do anything remotely comparable to a show like this?  Ohhh, that’s right, we have the suckiest major-market radio station lineup in the country...

I was a bit disheartened, though, to learn that K-SHE now airs that “Bob & Tom” bilge water in the mornings instead of local on-air talent.  Sad, sad, sad…

HIGHWAY TO HELL?  NOT FOR MUCH LONGER
I know it’s been a real bitch for St. Louis motorists to have a big chunk of Hiway 40/I-64 closed over the last year or so for an overhaul, but it looks like it’ll be worth the inconvenience in the long run, based on what I could see of the construction progress.  40/64 is a main East-West artery that extends out of downtown straight through the heart of the city, but it’s needed retrofitting for decades in the area adjacent to Forest Park.  The three lanes in each direction were harrowingly narrow and the Depression-era overpasses weren’t high enough to accommodate large trucks, plus they were crumbling like the K.C. Royals bullpen does every 8th inning.  Some of the curves could be quite an adventure at high speeds with lots of traffic around, too, so I’ll be interested to see what the finished product will be like.  The closed area of 40/64 is also where late drunken Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock offed himself two years ago, but that wasn’t the highway’s fault, although his father probably tried to claim it was.  Anyway, the sign said the project should be completed by year’s end.

More photographic trip coverage coming soon to this here blog…

Thursday, July 30, 2009

One more round for the road

I'm still in a writing slump (owing to a lack of free time as well as lack of inspiration), plus I'm taking an impromptu vacation to St. Louis this weekend, so I'll leave you with one more batch of visual funnies in the meantime...






























































Friday, July 24, 2009

Another word or two from our sponsors...

I'm in a bit of a writing slump, plus I'm kinda busy anyway, so I'll take the easy way out again and post some more funnines to tide y'all over. Enjoy...






















Monday, July 20, 2009

And that's the way it was...

WALTER CRONKITE, 1916-2009
We’re losing some mighty big names this year, and yet another icon has left the building, this time the penultimate newscaster of all-time, Walter Cronkite.  It wasn’t unexpected, since Walter had been in ill-health for quite some time, and he passed away Friday at age 92.  "Big Mouth" Cronkite (as A. Bunker called him) was ALL we ever watched in our house for evening news when I was a kid—hell, I didn’t know David Brinkley, John Chancellor and Frank Reynolds even existed until probably around the ’76 political conventions. The "Most Trusted Man In America" was the one we always turned to for the big news stories and events, and he was there for a huge chunk of American history during his tenure at CBS—the Kennedy and M.L. King assassinations, the moon shot (see below), Apollo 13, Watergate/Nixon’s resignation, the deaths of Elvis and John Lennon, and was even part of American history by literally changing the course of the Vietnam war with his commentary about it being un-winnable.

His delivery style was authoritative yet reassuring (oh, how I wish he’d still been broadcasting when 9/11 happened), and without a trace of all the smarm and hype-and-tease phoniness that pass for TV news now—the man actually gave us the freakin’ news.  Of course, this was long before this current age of ratings-driven bilge (nightly Anna Nicole Smith/Michael Jackson post-death updates, "where’s Caylee/Natalee?", Bill O’Reilly, Keith Olbermann, et al) in which these jaded TMZ hacks are now considered credible "news journalists".  All of which makes Cronkite’s passing even sadder to me, when you realize how long ago he retired, which even prompted the Jefferson Starship to pose the burning question, "Whatcha gonna do about Walter Cronkite?" in the infamous "Stairway To Cleveland".  This is not to say it’s been all downhill since 1981—Tom Brokaw and the late Peter Jennings were splendid nightly news anchors in their own right for many years—but TV news has de-evolved into such a sleazy tabloid medium over the last 25 years or so, to the point where it’s practically unwatchable now.  And that’s the way it is, regrettably…

Walter was also an extremely intelligent man—I think he would’ve made one helluva President if he ever chose to run.  In fact, Independent candidate John Anderson actually contemplated tabbing Cronkite as his running mate in 1980.  WC was also very well-rounded, and he could fluently discuss foreign policy, the space program, or the stock market just as easily as he could talk about football.  One area he did need to brush up on a bit was Rock ‘N’ Roll, considering the following he uttered on October 21, 1977:  "Three members of the Rock group Lin-yerd Skin-yerd were killed yesterday…"  Walter’s is one celebrity voice I’m able to mimic fairly well, too, with my personal favorite bit being from a Public Service Announcement he did back in my radio days about how the thought of your kids doing drugs "ought ta scare ya to death!"  A little trivia for you:  Walter Cronkite’s first broadcasting gig was right here in Kansas City at KCMO radio in 1936, where he basically was the entire news and sports department.  He also met his wife via that same gig.  He may well also be St. Joseph, Missouri’s most famous citizen this side of Jesse James and Joseph Robidoux (whom the town was named after).

S’long, Uncle Walter—ya done good…

"REMEMBER WHEN WE DID THE MOON SHOT, AND PONY TREKKER LED THE WAY?"
Well, that ain’t quite the way things went down 40 years ago today, but you get the idea.  I had just turned five when the "Eagle" landed on the moon, and I have very vague memories of that day, as my family was at my older brother’s Boy Scout camp near Osceola, Missouri when Neil Armstrong took his one small step for man.  We didn’t get to see it happen live on TV, but I do remember everyone around the Scout camp just buzzing about it.  It would’ve been interesting to experience that excitement if I’d been a few years older when I could’ve understood what a monumental feat this truly was.  I also remember wondering why you couldn’t see the spacecraft orbiting the moon while looking through binoculars!  More trivia to impress your friends with:  Our boys at Tranquility Base even managed to discover a mineral there which was later named after Neal Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins—Armalcolite—I even got that one right while watching "Jeopardy!" once…

LOOK THIS UP IN YOUR FUNK & WAGNALL…
The timing of this little nostalgia trip back to the Age of Aquarius is perfect, since I’m currently reading From Beautiful Downtown Burbank-A Critical History of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In, 1968-73 by Hal Erickson.  When I was a kid, there was a major power struggle in our household over control of the living room TV on Monday nights, as my older sister Renee (a liberal) always wanted to watch "Laugh-In", while my conservative parents (particularly my father) were more partial to "Gunsmoke" and/or "The Lucy Show", so guess who usually won that battle.  Me, I really didn’t care—I couldn’t wait for "Monday Night Football" to come on after all those network offerings.  I was too young to get what was going on with "Laugh-In" anyway when it originally aired, and it wasn’t until the summer of 1984 that I re-discovered the show via late-night reruns on Chicago’s WGN and fell in love with it.  "Laugh-In" was purely a late ‘60s/early ‘70s phenomenon, and couldn’t possibly be pulled off today, nor would you want to.

Some of the jokes and gags they did on the show were as old as the hills, yet were still so very funny, and the show introduced a slew of pop culture phrases into the American lexicon, like the Funk & Wagnall thing, "you bet your sweet bippy", "sock it to me", "flying fickle finger of fate" and "very interrrrresting", among many others, not to mention a slew of unforgettable characters like Arte Johnson’s Tyrone F. Horneigh (that’s pronounced horn-EYE) and Wolfgang the Nazi, Ruth Buzzi’s Gladys Ormphby and Lily Tomlin’s Edith Ann and Ernestine the phone operator.  The show also made stars out of the likes of Goldie Hawn, JoAnne Worley, Alan Sues, Henry Gibson, Gary Owens, Judy Carne as well as Dan Rowan and Dick Martin themselves, who had flown under the radar as a nightclub act before "Laugh-In" became a hit.  The pacing of the show was so rapid-fire that it required concentrated viewing to absorb the whole enchilada, which no doubt influenced that which followed it, like MTV and even "Family Guy" today.  And contrary to popular belief, "Laugh-In" did not have a so-called "liberal agenda"—just like the "Family Guy" crew, Rowan & Martin & Co. were equal-opportunity bashers who thought nothing of lampooning the Kennedys or LBJ just as easily as Dickie Nixon.  Hell, they even managed to get conservatives like John Wayne (and the Big Dick himself) to appear on the show.  And if that ain't enough, where else could you have seen the late Dinah Shore sporting fetish gear?  Not making this up, kids—watch the February 8, 1971 episode if you don't believe me!

There are only two DVD sets with original "Laugh-In" episodes on the market so far, each containing six episodes from various seasons of the show’s run (Dinah Shore's on Vol. 2, btw), and I wish to hell they’d get around to doing season-by-season DVD releases of this veritable time capsule of American pop culture, especially during this current wave of ‘60s nostalgia.

And get ready for the 40th anniversary of Woodstock next month, too…

MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH!
Regular readers to my blog know that I’m not much of a fan of golf on TV, but every once in a while, I’ll find myself interested in a televised golf tournament, and such was the case yesterday, as K.C.’s own Tom Watson came literally within 12 inches of winning the British Open at age 59, which would’ve been a record for advanced age in a PGA major tournament.  No doubt, most folks were expecting to see another TW in contention for the title, but Tiger Woods didn’t even make the cut (which was a big story in and of itself) and sadly, this will instead go down as one of the bigger choke jobs in sports history.  Watson only needed to make a four-foot put that even yours has sunk many times in those pressure-packed moments on the links at the Cool Crest mini-golf course—and he didn’t even have a moving windmill in his way like I did!  Anyway, I found myself rooting for Watson all the same, even though he’s not the nicest person in the world when the TV cameras are off—he was rather surly and rude to our front desk people at my former workplace about ten years ago when he came to pick up some x-ray films on two different occasions.  Watson did set a record, anyway, by jumping some 1,300 places in the current world golfer rankings back up to 105th place.

BOO IT LIKE BECKHAM!
And, no, they weren’t saying "Looooouuuu!"  Was tickled to death to read how L.A. Galaxy fans have turned on their imported "hero" David Beckham upon his return to their team over the weekend.  So nice of him to drop by, right in the middle of their season, and I loved the sign that one fan held up which read, "Go home, fraud!"  He’s not really a fraud—no doubt he’s a world-class athlete, but the way Major League Soccer has prostituted itself around to land him just to sell tickets is a joke, and he hasn’t even come close to upgrading outdoor soccer’s stature or prominence the way Pele did in the ‘70s—it’s still a "niche" sport in America, and probably always will be.  Not that I feel sorry for Becks or anything, but he’s actually better off playing in Europe where the caliber of play is so much better.  Beckham playing in MLS is akin to Albert Pujols playing on some AA minor league club.

"WHEN ELECTRICITY CAME FROM ARKANSAS"—UPDATE
I was finally able to add the Black Oak Arkansas Raunch ‘N’ Roll Live re-issue double-CD set to my collection, and I’m quite pleased with it.  The original album released on Atco Records in early 1973 only contained seven tracks (all quite "dandy", you might say) and this 2007 Rhino collection fleshes things out considerably, as it features both December, 1972 concerts from Portland and Seattle in their entirety from which the original LP was culled.  The new CD is totally worth it just for Jim "Dandy" Mangrum’s meandering-but-lovable between-song raps alone, but it also makes me wonder why so many of these tracks didn’t make the cut on the original LP, especially "Fever In My Mind" and "Uncle Lijiah".  We also get Tommy Aldridge’s maniacal drum solo during "Up" in its entirety, having been whittled down from eight minutes to five on the original album.  Drum solos are normally an exercise in the interminable, but TA’s usually manage to hold one’s interest throughout. True, there are a few flubs and feedback and some of the vocals are lost in the mix here and there on some of the tracks they didn’t use in ’73, but there was enough good stuff here to make a double-live album if they wanted to.  "Hot And Nasty", indeed!

GLOBAL WARMING?  PHLBBBBBT!!!
I hope that’s how you spell a Bronx cheer, anyway!  The weather in K.C. these past few days has been nothing short of phe-fucking-nominal!  I’m talking highs in the upper ‘70s and lows in the ‘50s when it’s normally 95 and miserable this time of year.  The rest of this week appears to be unseasonably cool as well.  Tell me again how this Global Warming thing works…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #117
"Owner Of A Lonely Heart"—YES (1984)  "You’ve got to want to succeed."  It always sounds to me like Jon Anderson sings "You’ve got to work to succeed," which also fits.


THE DATING GAME, REVISITED
Total silliness here, but wouldn’t the Barefoot Contessa an "Shoeless" Joe Jackson have made a lovely couple?