Odds and ends (mostly Odds!)

Just some random miscellany for your perusal today...

GIRLS GONE WILD
Why do guys buy those lame-ass “Girls Gone Wild” videos?  As a heterosexual male, the commercials for these damn things embarrass the shit out of me!  Why throw your money away just to see a bunch of drunken skanky co-ed college whores flashing their breasts and asses?  I’d sooner watch a “Riverdance” video—at least the chicks on those are cute!  What happened--did Cinemax stop airing those soft-core porn flicks (Emmanuelle Does Duluth, et al) on Friday nights?  Come on, America, you can do better than this!

THE FAMILY TREE
You’ve no doubt heard of the Young brothers—Angus and Malcolm—of the band AC/DC.  Some people aren’t aware that their older brother George was a guitarist in the ‘60s band The Easybeats who did “Friday On My Mind” and the original “I’ll Make You Happy” (later re-done by Divinyls).  Well, as fate would have it, George is the oldest of the Young siblings, and Angus is the youngest, which naturally leaves Malcolm in the middle!  (Place rim shot here!)

YOUR SCHOOL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
You know how car dealers often place big placards under the open hoods of cars in their lots that spell out the word “S-A-L-E”?  I’m not making this up--about a year ago, I passed a used car lot that had the cars arranged to spell “S-A-E-L”!

LOOK OUT BELOW!
Totally useless information here, but below are two body parts that are formed out of the word “below”:

ELBOW
BOWEL

Confused yet? You won’t be after the next episode of “Soap”!

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE...
Actor Dick Van Dyke gets some sort of royalty from the DVD industry for the use of his initials, does he?

FUSCHI QUE APESTA?
Pardon my Spanish, but does anyone know if there is a proper form of etiquette to convey to a co-worker that they are wearing way too much perfume/cologne?  If so, please give me a hint!  There’s this guy I work with whom we call the “Hai-Karate Kid”, and I can literally smell him from ten yards away!  Nothing wrong at all with trying to smell good for the general public, but why do some guys put on enough (usually cheap) cologne sufficient enough to bring down a large elk?  One of the radiologists I work with gets plenty of mileage out of his Hai-Karate too, but we call him “Smelly Cat” because when he talks he sounds like that old cartoon character Snaggletooth (evennnnnnn…).  One day last week, both “Hai-Karate Kid” and “Smelly Cat” were in the same room together, and I thought for a while we were going to have to evacuate the building!  In the words of the late Jim Morrison, "Grown men were weeping…"

On the opposite end of the olfactory spectrum is a new female co-worker we’ve been dealing with lately who—how shall I put this?—doesn’t always excel at feminine hygiene, let’s say.  “Madame Funkenstein” (or "Sasquatch", as I prefer to call her) also has this habit of grossing everyone out the lunch table with her atrocious table manners--chewing with her mouth open, etc.  Anyway, she tries to cover up her odors with the cheap-ass perfume she wears (Eau de Black Flag, or Eau de D-Con, one or the other), but still as the day wears on, the funk starts a-risin’ around her desk area and we’re desperate for a tactful way of telling her she smells like a Port-A-Potty!  Any suggestions would be most welcome by our nasal passages…