News and notes

RAZZING THE RAZZIES
As disappointed as I was with this year's Oscar nominations, the usually-dependable Razzies let me down too.  This year's nominees have a glaring omission—how could they possibly leave out Snakes On A Plane?  That piece of cinematic caca makes Anaconda look like Jaws...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #2
"Signs"—FIVE-MAN ELECTRICAL BAND (1971) "Now hey you, Mister, can’t you read?" Again, on the AM radio when I was a kid, songs sounded less clear to me then:  "Now hey you, Mr. Tangerine!"

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST
Just as I predicted, head-butt butt-head Zinedine Zidane is being courted by Major League Soccer's Chicago Fire.  I'm not one to brag, but did I call it or did I call it?

IT'S A BLOODY REUNION...
Too bad I'm not referring to one of my favorite Molly Hatchet songs here, but sadly, I'm referring to the impending Van Halen reunion tour as reported by Billboard.com, featuring the three Van Halens (Alex, Eddie and Wolfman—er uh, Wolfgang) and Diamond Dave.  As someone said in each and every Star Wars flick, "I have a bad feeling about this..."  In a similar maneuver, a Canadian radio station (C3PO, or some such thing) is reporting that The Police are rehearsing for a 40-date reunion tour this summer.  This can only mean that Sting has finally given up on his wimpy solo career.  At least he and Andy and Stewart are still halfway civil to each other to begin with, so this tour might actually be worthwhile.  Could that Led Zeppelin reunion tour (with Jason Bonham on drums) be far off?

HE WAS A HOUSEHOLD NAME
I'm rather bummed to report the death of Hall of Fame hockey goaltender Lorne John "Gump" Worsley of a heart attack at age 77.  The only man I know of to "out-Gump" Forrest Gump, he played his entire career in goal minus a mask except for his final season in the mid-'70s.  In the words of Weird Al Yankovic, "He's Gump, He's Gump, but he's alright..."  And that's all I have to say about that...

WE DISTORT, THEN DERIDE--STARDATE 012407.FNC
http://hotlineblog.nationaljournal.com/archives/2007/01/obama_versus_fo.html

I wasn't quite ready to board the Barack Obama bandwagon just yet, but seeing's how Faux News Channel is bashing him already, then I might well be swayed...

A little advice, Mr. Murdoch:  Your little news channel would carry a helluva lot more credibility with yours truly and millions of other free-thinking individuals across the country if you actually reported the news instead of MAKING SHIT UP!  To wit:  John Kerry does NOT look French—the late Herve Villachaize didn't even "look" French, and yet he was!  BTW, your boy Steve Doocy has to be the biggest dork this side of Jack Osbourne and Bob Saget...

One other thing while I'm here, Rupert, ol' buddy ol' pal:  Tell your blonde morning news tart (the one who sits between Doocy and that other dork) to either wear pants or put some pantyhose on—it's fucking January, not June, for Chrissakes!  I've seen prettier legs on fricken' Dalmatians...