Monday, January 29, 2007

Shark Jumping 102

Another installment, this time featuring the ONLY "reality" show that's ever been worth watching, "COPS", or as I affectionately call it (in my best Alistair Cooke voice), "White Trash Theater"...

Definitely the “uncut” COPS video (not seen on TV), where basically every case involves a naked 65-year-old poor lady…

—There’s nothing funnier than seeing a shirtless, toothless, multi-tattooed bumpkin getting rolled by the cops!!!

—It never jumped…Watching some Gomer run from the coppers and then get the beatdown he so richly deserves will NEVER go out of style.

—Watching cops beat up drunk, naked hillbillies that deserve a beating will NEVER get boring!  I’m a SCREAMING lefty and I LOVE this show!  And yes, MOST of the losers on this show are White Trash.

—Do you ever notice that when every criminal is arrested, they all wear no shirt and sweatpants, and one sock on.  And that is so true about how nobody in the house is ever surprised to see police or a camera crew.

—You always see the same scenario in those house they bust into: Drunk guy, no shirt, Dolphin shorts, one sock, one flip-flop, cigarette, TV on, baby crying, etc., etc…

—Will never JTS as long as me and my buddies play The Cops Drinking Game.  See a guy without a shirt?  Take one shot of Vodka;  See a 90-pound crackhead tackled by a 200-pound cop?  Take two shots;  Spot a mullet?  Take three shots;  Old redneck lady with feathered hair and no bra who refuses to remove the cigarette from her mouth while telling the cops to “kiss her ass”?  Take four shots.  The fun never ends.

—You have to love it when they are arresting a loser still in his Orange Julius uniform who got beat up by his female neighbor.

—This is absolutely one of the greatest shows ever produced—despite the fact that there are essentially only four episodes.  All episodes start with the “de rigeur” scene where the cop is telling the camera how he grew up in the area and is now “making a difference” and/or “doing some good.”  1) Cops show up at trailer park in Florida, go to door where morbidly obese White-Trash skank with busted lip and home perm greets them.  Cops are conducted into trailer abode, where White-Trash dude (who is either grossly overweight or underweight), wearing tank top sits morosely in front of TV with beer in hand.  Dude acts as if there is nothing whatsoever going on despite presence of police with camera crew in his trailer.  2) Also in Florida, also at a trailer park, but this time the trailer serves as a METH LAB.  Same characters as above, but absent the busted lip on the fat chick.  3) Traffic stop in which idiot passengers in 1980 Olds Cutlass have a brick of weed the size of a cinder block in plain view on the floor.  As other posters have noted, this often occurs in Albuquerque.  Watch the hilarity ensue as idiots all disclaim knowledge/ownership of said weed.  It is as if the weed miraculously appeared between their feet by some sort of “underclass” version of the Immaculate Conception.  4) Same car, same idiots, but this time they RUN from the cops and attempt to throw the cinder block of weed out of the window one gram at a time.  Uh, wait, that’s really only TWO episodes with subtle variations.  But I guess I should also have included my all-time favorite—the PROSTITUTION STING!  Nothing better than some toothless 70-year-old homeless dude coming up to the female undercover and asking for a “date”.  Hell yeah, what a great show.  Back in college, my buddies and I would watch COPS every Saturday night while getting hammered and ready to go out.  Good to see that the show still is going strong!