Wednesday, March 14, 2007

You call these "Stars"?

Normally, I try to avoid the subject of "reality" TV, but I got a chuckle out of the ad in ‘Entertainment Weakly’ for ABC’s "Dancing With The Has-Beens", and its line-up of "stars":

Apolo Anton Ohno:  He’s that Olympic fast-track speed-skater dude, so falling on his ass will be nothing new to him—it’s the norm rather than the exception in that sport.
Billy Ray Cyrus:  Ol’ Mullet Head?  Delicious irony here—during a live version of his hit "Memphis In The Meantime", my man John Hiatt once sang, "I don’t think Billy Ray Cyrus is gonna ever record this song…" in place of his original Ronnie Milsap lyric, and also facetiously tacked on, "But, oh how that man could dance!"
Heather Mills:  One-legged gold-digger who wants to put Paul McCartney in the poor house?  If this bitch can suddenly dance, then what the hell does she need handicapped tags on her car for?  She’s officially listed as "Activist" in the print ad.  Ralph Nader’s an activist too, but that doesn’t make him a "star" (or a dancer).
Ian Ziering:  Blondie from "90210"?  Ten years ago, one might have considered him to be a star of at least minor magnitude, but pretty much all the of the "90210" gang are has-beens now…
Joey Fatone:  Who?  Is that pronounced "Fa-tony" or "Fat-One"?  Isn't he one of the "Sopranos"?  Oh wait—he was with N'Snyc.  Same thing...
John Ratzenberger:  Loved him as Cliffy, but "Cheers" went off the air 15 years ago.  Apart from his voice-over work in the Toy Story flicks, he hasn't done squat since...
Laila Ali:  The chick boxer?  Well, her old man was a pretty good dancer…
Leeza Gibbons:  Former "Entertainment Tonight" part-timer and cheesy talk show hostess?  Yep, she’s a hoofer, alright…
Paulina Porizkova:  Scrawny supermodel most famous for being married to equally-

scrawny Ric Ocasek of The Cars?  Hardly an A-lister...

Who they gonna trot out for next season, the "Dude, you're getting a Dell!" guy?  Come to think of it, it's not a stretch to imagine a lineup that includes the likes of:

Adrian Zmed
Jared from Subway
Rickie Lee Jones
Jeff Conaway from "Taxi"
Gunther from "Friends"
The bee girl from the Blind Melon video
Abe Vigoda
The two dorks in the mini-van on the Sonic commercials
Dee from "What's Happening?"
Susie Chapstick
The guy who played Chuck on "Happy Days"

These, and many many more!

In the words of Lemmy from Motorhead:  "Don't try to dance to this--you'll fuck your legs up...

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