Good ol’ Larry Flynt used to have a monthly feature in Hustler magazine called “Asshole Of The Month”, and often the recipients of said accolade (mostly politicians and right-wing dickheads) were truly deserving, and I think it’s appropriate to revive this little tradition in year-end style, so please kick back, my dear friends, and enjoy yours truly’s salute to those who fucked up colossally in 2007:
30) Ted Nugent: An ex-idol of mine. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: I used to idolize you, ya big-mouth douche! And to paraphrase Dr. Sardonicus, after your diatribes on Hillary and Obama, I don’t want to hear no more about the Dixie Chicks, you friggin’ has-been...
29) Donald Trump/Rosie O’Donnell: These two publicity mongers deserve each other. I still say they should duke it out on “Celebrity Death Match”. My money’s on Rosie…
28) Steven A. Smith: At the risk of sounding racist here, I’ve grown real weary of this guy’s shuck-and-jive Angry Black Man routine on ESPN. Shaddup, already, you pompous ass!
27) O.J. Simpson: Forever on a personal quest to prove what a dickweed he is. Congrats, Juice—you’re headin’ for the big house, now!
26) John Mellencamp: Empty-headed hick Springsteen wanna-be whom I’ve loathed for lo, these many years, and he even sold his soul to GM with his "This Is Our Country" schlock, to boot. Will be inducted into the Crock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame next year. Oh, joy!
25) Katie Horner: Local over-zealous TV weather tart/alarmist who chronically disrupts CBS programming at every sighting of a dark cloud within 100 miles of Kansas City. She actually encouraged viewers to wear bicycle helmets whilst riding out a tornado in their storm cellars last Spring!
24) Al Gore: Actual President-elect of 2000 who now milks his newfound adulation as pre-eminent Global Warming pointer-outer to death (while cruising around in his gas-guzzling stretch limo, natch).
23) Kid Rock: I’m still trying to figure out why people pay good money to see this no-talent poser (in a hat) perform in concert—this clown is this generation’s Vanilla Ice! Has been involved in more fights this year than a NARC at a Hell's Angels rally.
22) Bill Belichick: Yes, this guy is a brilliant football coach. Sadly, he has all the people skills of Charles Manson…
21) Rev. Jerry Falwell: In his final year of eligibility I feel compelled to include Mr. “Give all your money to the church and solve your debt problems” once more for old time’s sake.
20) Nancy Grace: Sneering, helmet-haired self-appointed judge and jury be-yatch who holds court on CNN every night. She may well have been personally responsible for the suicide death of a woman she interrogated on her show earlier this year, but shows less remorse than C. Manson ever has...
19) David Beckham: The farce to end all farces! Major League Soccer prostituted itself around and sold its credibility right down the river by signing this overrated wanker to a mega-million $$ contract, just so he could play in five whole games for the Los Angeles Galaxy. True, the media circus that followed him around wasn’t all his fault, but I’m sorry—nobody’s that good!
18) Adam “Pacman” Jones: First-class moron NFL player known for his numerous run-ins with the law, the most infamous of which left a Las Vegas titty bar bouncer paralyzed following gunfire instigated by a member of Pacman’s entourage earlier this year.
17) Jason Whitlock: Ever-flatulent Kansas City Star sports columnist and self-appointed avatar of racial issues in the wake of the who Don Imus flap. A man who regularly uses the terms “hoes” and “pimp-slap” in his columns…
16) Clay Chastain: Those of you outside of Kansas City won’t know who he is, but he’s become a major nuisance to me. Chastain is a very vocal advocate for a light-rail mass transit system in K.C.—which I’m all for, actually. My problem with this guy is that he lives in Virginia, yet he thinks he has the right to tell our city what to do with its money! Move your sorry ass back here, Clay, and I’ll take you more seriously…
15) Rev. Pat Robertson: Looks like this dickhead will have to carry on without his tag-team partner Falwell now, but fear not, dear friends—I have no doubt ol’ Pat will continue to give religion a bad name until his dying day…
14) Britney Spears: Ain’t nothing worse than a tabloid-fodder celebrity who goes out of his/her way to draw attention to his/her flagging career. Do us all a big favor, Brit, and disappear quietly like Tiffany did about 20 years ago…
13) Don Imus: Happy Holidays, Don—as in “Hoe, Hoe, Hoe”! Just as I predicted, the asshole is back on the air already...
12) Rev. Al Sharpton/Rev. Jesse Jackson: Don’t you just wish these two publicity hounds would both be run over by a bus? Black people don’t even take them seriously as religious or civil rights leaders anymore…
11) Mike Nifong: Opportunistic D.A. who was bound and determined to send three innocent Duke lacrosse players to the pokey for his own political gain. Nice try, dumbass, but as Fred Sanford once said, “He who liveth by the sword shall be stucketh.” Still and all, I maintain that lacrosse is a faggot college activity!
10) Bud Selig: Commissioner Howdy Doody proved once again what a spineless leader he is by showing up to watch Bonds hit "#756", standing there with his hands in his pockets looking like a total Melvin. Should’ve been fired years ago…
9) Roger Clemens: This jagoff finally decided he wanted to pitch for the Yankees after the season was a third of the way over, which led to this utterly ridiculous moment of over-zealous hype. He signed a beyond-belief $28 zillion contract to merely go 6-6 with a 4.47 ERA. Truly earth-shattering! The Mitchell Report sez he did steroids, too—the Dickens you say!
8) Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho): This phony Republican fuckwad is on record voting for anti-Gay legislation at every turn, yet who was that foot-tapper in the john at the Minneapolis aeroport trolling for fudge packers earlier this year, hmmm? It certainly couldn’t have been this honorable Senator from the Spud State who uttered the phrase “I’m not gay!” more often than Mr. Garrison on “South Park”. Or could it? Oh, what a twit...
7) Michael Vick: No explanation needed here. Hope he enjoys his time in the pokey with his bitches (pun intended).
6) Michelle Malkin/Sean Hannity/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Geraldo Rivera/Jonah Goldberg/Dennis Miller: I know I’m being rather lazy here, but I’m lumping all these ultra-conservative Republican Party cheerleaders/pinhead pundits into one entry. Regular readers of this blog already know why...
5) Barry Bonds: Do I even need to elaborate? Arrogant steroid-taking horse’s ass with shriveled-up nads who now claims to be baseball’s Home Run King. Sorry, ass-wipe—Henry Louis Aaron is still the man, and you’re not one, and unlike you, my dick still works just fine...
4) The entire Oil Industry: These greedy fuckwads continue to reap record profits for two simple reasons: A) because they can, and B) no one’s trying to stop them.
3) George W. Bush/Dick Cheney: Pretty self-explanatory. They’re joined at the hip, therefore I count them as one entry.
2) Seung-Hui Cho (Virginia Tech gunman): This loser, combined with the Siamese twins in the #3 spot, are probably personally responsible for more death and mayhem than anyone else this year. I do understand how it feels to be disenfranchised and I do realize this Cho bastard was screwed-up to begin with and was picked on constantly during his youth, but that’s no excuse for being such a cold-blooded miscreant, and it‘s impossible for me to have any empathy for this fucker. Burn in hell, ass-wipe…
1) Rev. Fred Phelps/Westboro Baptist Church, Topeka, KS: Most assholes don’t actually mean to be assholes—they just are. But then again, there are sub-humans like Rev. Fred and his inbred band of psychos (half of whom are lawyers) who go out of their way to be assholes by picketing/protesting the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers who died while indirectly defending these tick-turds’ collective Constitutional right to do so. I now pose the question once asked by Blackie Lawless of W.A.S.P. in their 1985 song "I‘m Alive": “Tell me, what’s in it for you?…Damn you, Holy Man, alive…”
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