BUILD IT AND THEY WILL COME?
It was announced yesterday that Southern Methodist University in Dallas will provide land for the Dubya Prezdenshul Libury (that's George W. Bush Presidential Library in English). What, they couldn't find an abandoned 7-Eleven suitable enough to house it in? I can see it now: Free admission with every Slurpee! Better yet, here's my suggestion for the proper place to store Dubya's enduring legacy, courtesy of FEMA:
REAL MENSA CANDIDATE, HERE
Some goomer on Faux News Channel made the following prognostication about Hillary Clinton's chances in the upcoming Texas Primary: "If she gets more delegates, I think she'll win." Duhhh, gee Gomer, ya think?
Part of the NFL draft order was determined by a coin flip between the Atlanta Falcons and Oakland Raiders yesterday because of a three-way tie between them and the Kansas City Chefs. Atlanta won, and will now choose 3rd, the Raiders 4th, and the Chefs 5th. I missed the coverage on ESPN yesterday, but I imagine the analysis thereof went something like this:
Sean Salisbury: "Now if that coin had risen another five inches in the air and rotated a bit more, the Falcons might have wanted to choose tails".
Ron Jaworski (excitedly): "But, if they had used a 50-cent piece instead of a quarter and tossed it at a 45-degree angle, then heads would've been the better call to make!"
Chris Berman: "In that scenario, Jaws, then maybe the coin flip should have been presided over by 50 Cent...or maybe Eddie Money...or Roseanne Cash...or..." [Guffaws ensue]
HIS AIM IS TRUE!
I read in the paper yesterday that one of our own from right here in Raytown, Petty Officer 2nd Class Andrew Jackson, is the one who lined up the coordinates for the missile launch that took down the wayward old spy satellite that was hurtling back to earth on Thursday. Nothing petty about his accuracy—nice shootin', kid!
TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS FOR ME TO BE INVOLVED IN...
Earlier this week I rented that cinematic classic Planet Of The Apes, which I'd never actually seen before. Even after putting aside my bias about charmin' Chuck Heston, I was still unimpressed. Okay, these astronauts are shot into space and frozen in time (á la "Lost In Space") and wake up 2,000 years later on a planet that looks a lot like Earth with air fit for humans that is inhabited by apes who speak perfect English—some even with British accents! Sorry, but I can only suspend my disbelief so much...
WHAT A MAROON!
The University of Indiana rid itself of head men's basketball coach Kelvin Sampson yesterday by buying out his contract after he was accused of doing the same misdeeds that got him in hot water at Oklahoma. Very disappointing too, because I really thought this guy was on his way to being another coaching legend like Dean Smith or Roy Williams, but apparently he's just another cheater. Dumbass...
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #72
"Color In Your Life"—MISSING PERSONS (1986) "'Cause you make love electrical—welcome to the festival..." Even though this was the last gasp from this band, I thought it was a very cool song. Still, I was a tad confused about the lyric during its chorus, because it sounded like Dale Bozzio sang, "Welcome to the vegetable" instead of "festival". I love that line "You make love electrical," and I'd love to have a woman of the female persuasion sing it to me sometime...
Here's something that just boggled my mind as I was scanning upcoming DVD release dates the other day: "Punky Brewster"-Season 4. Think about it for a second—that stupid show actually lasted that long?!? The phrase '"Punky Brewster"-Season 4' is a contradiction in terms along the same lines as "Military Intelligence", "Starring David Spade" and "Beloved character Jar Jar Binks".