It occurred to me yesterday that hardly a day goes by where I’m not reminded of one of George Carlin’s witticisms during everyday activities. Like anytime someone says “Have a nice day!”, my brain automatically clicks on “Yeah, yeah—will you gimme my fucking change, please?” or whenever I leave my car radio cranked up when I turn off the motor at night, then start it up the next day and “the goddamned radio is THIS LOUD!!!” or when someone says they’re going to take a piss or shit—“you don’t take ‘em, you leave ‘em!” Every time I read about anti-abortion zealots, I’m reminded of “You ever notice how most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t wanna fuck in the first place?...There’s such balance in nature…” And every time I see a lacrosse match on TV, I chuckle when I think of George’s declaration that lacrosse is “a faggot college activity”. The man was more prevalent than I ever gave him credit for. So long, George, and thanks for the laughs, my man…
IT’S HARD TO BE HUMBLE…
…and for Gene Simmons, it’s damn near impossible. As if his “Family Jewels” show doesn’t inflate his insatiable ego enough, A&E viewers were subjected to the “Gene Simmons Roast” last night. In best Dean Martin style, his royal Gene-ness held court sitting on his throne (wearing his gargoyle Kiss platforms, no less) and was fêted by such luminaries as Carrot Top, Danny Bonaduce and Andrew “Dice” Clay—is that a nightmare panel, or what? Tell me again—how is it I once came to idolize this man…
Speaking of the Dean Martin roasts, have you seen the infomercials for the DVDs of those old crapfests featuring Tim Conway? I remember watching them when I was a kid, and they seemed kinda cool at the time, but watching them now makes me cringe when I see the forced laughter from people like Jimmie Walker and Phyllis Diller and hear the hackneyed jokes these people told, all of which was obviously fueled by copious amounts of alky-hol. As for Conway’s infomercials, I’ll say it again: if you need 30 minutes to convince me to buy something, I probably don’t want it…
FROM THE DEPT. OF REDUNDANCY DEPT.
You’ve no doubt seen these ads on TV featuring some elderly woman sitting by a swimming pool informing us that as of February, 2009, TVs that aren’t digital won’t be able to receive broadcast signals of over-the-air TV stations. “TVs that are hooked up to cable will be just fine…” she says. Dumb question, but why are these commercials running on cable networks?!? People who already have cable need not be concerned with this—it’s those folks who haven’t joined the 21st century and gotten cable or satellite (like my old man, for instance) who they should be talking to here.
I coulda swore that cloning was still illegal, but I was reading in the paper today about the just-announced Journey concert here in K.C. in September, and it appears Neal Schon and the boys have unearthed yet another Steve Perry clone, one Arnel Pineda, to replace their first SP clone, Steve Augeri. I have yet to hear Pineda, but they say he sounds just like Perry. Augeri sounded uncomfortably close to Perry too, and even looked a lot like him—“Steve Perry with a perm”, as someone deemed him.
As for the real Steve Perry, every time I see that awful “Oh, Sherrie” video, I cringe a little. That was his actual girlfriend Sherrie in the video, and I’ve often wondered if that video led to their break-up. Or maybe she decided not to marry him to spare herself from being known as Sherrie Perry…
WORLD’S DUMBEST TV COMMERCIAL(S)
Or at least one of them. For no particular reason, I was reminded the other day of these really lame Levi’s Dockers commercials from the early ‘90s that featured a bunch of yuppie cocksuckers (all from the waist down) carrying on some inane group conversation about nothing and ending with the catchphrase, “Relax, you’re among friends…” What the filth-flarn-filth does this have to do with cheap-ass un-durable friggin’ casual dress pants? I wore those things to work and they lasted about as long as Chevy Chase’s talk show before the crotches wore out.
THANKS, BUT I WANTED A BUD LIGHT…
Not an InBev Light! I don’t get this whole hostile takeover stuff, like where this Belgian brewer InBev that wants to buy Anheuser-Busch out from under itself. Does Busch want to be bought? Doesn’t sound like it to me. Take your waffles and go back to Belgium, you yutzes!
CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL STORE CHAIN #3
Remember these guys? U-Totem was more or less the poor man’s 7-Eleven or QuikTrip back in the ‘70s. We had just a handful of them around here, but I liked them more because they sold Topps hockey cards and 7-Eleven didn’t!
ANOTHER 10-IN-A-ROW MUSIC SWEEP…
…on KOMT, Holland’s Comet Radio—All B-Stuff All The Time! Here’s a sample hour from my iPod’s playlist yesterday:
—“One World (Not Three)”—THE POLICE (1981)
—“My Gang”—CHEAP TRICK (1994)
—“Cool Dry Place”—TRAVELING WILBURYS (1991)
—“I’m The One”—VAN HALEN (1978)
—“Space Truckin’”—DEEP PURPLE (1972)
—“Boys In The Band”—THE RAIDERS (1970)
—“Hooked On A Feeling”—BLUE SWEDE (1974)
—“Here Comes The Feeling”—ASIA (1982)
—“Avenging Annie”—ROGER DALTREY (1977)
“B-Stuff” doesn’t refer to the quality of the music—most of these are A’s in my book—but rather it refers to songs I love but rarely (if ever) hear anywhere unless I play them myself. Best of all, it’s all commercial-free and no deejays, either. Just as well, most of today’s radio jocks can’t count to ten anyway. I have over 700 songs loaded and my iPod is almost packed to the gills now. Go figure: six months ago, I didn’t even want an iPod, and now I want a bigger one!
LOST CLASSIC #3
“One Fine Morning”—LIGHTHOUSE (1971) Oldies stations and classic Rock stations stopped playing this record song decades ago, and that’s a shame—it’s a cool song! Some people even confused Canada's Lighthouse for Chicago, with its ever-present horn section, while other people confused them with Edison Lighthouse of “Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)” fame. I always thought late lead singer Bob McBride sounded a lot like fellow Canuck Burton Cummings of the Guess Who. You can find “One Fine Morning” on Rhino’s ‘Have a Nice Day’, Vol. 6 compilation.
LOST CLASSIC #4
“That Hypnotizin’ Boogie”—DAVID WILCOX (1985) This one’s a little more obscure. Also from the Great White North, Mr. Wilcox is not to be confused with an American folk singer of the same name. I first heard "Boogie" on the radio during my visit to Toronto in 1994 and instantly fell in love with the song. I can best describe it as Warren Zevon meets George Thorogood with a little bit of Stevie Ray Vaughan thrown in. Wilcox sounds very Zevon-ish vocally, and very much like Lonesome George and S.R.V. on the raw and wonderfully sloppy slide guitar, and has some of Rick Nielsen's mannerisms on-stage. This live performance is pretty good, but the original studio recording is even better. As the song itself says, “everybody got to have a hypnotizin’ boogie kind of sound…” Wish I could tell you where to get it, but I'm not sure now. I pirated it—er uh, borrowed it off the 'Net before the Great MP3 Embargo five years ago. Good stuff, Maynard...
THAT’S JUST DANDY!
Best band name I’ve heard of in a while: The Dandy Warhols.