The one after 9/09

Only a hardcore Beatles fan would come up with that obscure reference…

D’OH!
Well, I got to enjoy having Tom Brady on my fantasy football team for all of seven minutes before his season came to a crashing halt in Sunday’s game with the Chefs.  Even if TB had a mediocre day, my team would’ve won easily instead of losing by six lousy points.  To me, this was the equivalent of finally getting that dream car I always wanted—then totaling it two blocks from my house.

As for the play in which Brady was injured, it was clearly a legal hit by K.C.’s Bernard Pollard, but that didn’t prevent Super Whiner Randy Moss from claiming it was a cheap shot and calling Pollard a dirty player.  Uhhh, how would you know, Randy?  You were way down at the other end of the field when it happened, fumbling the pass that you had just caught, so just loosen up your cornrows and shut the fuck up, mmm-kay?

DID I MISS A MEMO?
Since when did we start spelling Hawaii "Hawai’i"?  All of sudden here lately during sporting events, our 50th state has this misbegotten apostrophe in it for some reason, even though all through school and "Hawaii Five-O" reruns, I grew up on it minus the apostrophe.  Is this some Polynesian heritage deal that got overlooked or just some trendy new thing?  If it’s the latter, I do hope this means my beloved home state won’t morph into "Missour’i"…

OFF THE RAILS ON THE CRAZY TRAIN
Following a movie discussion at work the other day, I decided to rent the camp film Pink Flamingos, starring the late gender-bender Divine and directed by chronic flamer John Waters, best known for 1988’s Hairspray.  Waters has always come off as a strange ranger to me, but he topped himself in this one.  Between this couple fornicating with (and suffocating) live chickens in one scene and Divine literally eating dog shit in another, this thing made Borat look positively mainstream.  I don’t mean to be overly-analytical, and I do enjoy an off-the-wall movie now and then, but exactly what point was Waters trying to make here?

ONE DULL OF A TIME
In honor of actress MacKenzie Phillips’ recent drug bust, I decided to rent Season 1 of "One Day At A Time" this week since it’d been in my Netflix cue for quite a while.  I watched that show sparingly back in the day, mostly after Valerie Bertinelli began to "blossom", you might say, but beyond that, I never much cared for it, especially Bonnie Franklin’s kill-joy mother character.  After watching a few episodes again, I was reminded of how screechy Franklin and Phillips could get at times—like fingernails on a blackboard.  It also got me to wondering which dinner theater in America Pat Harrington has an engagement at these days.  I don’t think I’ll bother with Season 2…

A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT
The Oakland A’s released former Royal Mike Sweeney yesterday, following yet another injury-truncated season.  Sweeney claims he still wants to play another year, but why?  If I were him, I’d take all that unearned money he’s made over the last five years and run.  Or in his case, take the money and limp…

CALL ME A HERETIC...
...but what exactly is wrong with putting ketchup on a hot dog?  I've read in more that one place where mustard is the only officially recognized liquid condiment allowed on frankfurters.  One of those legendary drive-ins in Chicago profiled on the Food Network that specializes in hot dogs won't even serve ketchup on your hot dog.  My profoundest apologies if I go against protocol, but I hate mustard, so get over it, you weenies!  Get it?  Weenies!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #94
"Hold Your Head Up"—ARGENT (1972)  When I was a little kid, I first thought they were singing "Blow your head up!"  Not the most scintillating Rock song you’ll ever hear, but a classic, all the same.

JUNEAU WHAT?  I THINK THIS SARAH PALIN’S KINDA WEIRD…
Have ya gotten a load of her children’s names yet—Piper?  Trig?  Bristol?  Do they not have baby name books up in Alaska?  Why would you name your child after a difficult mathematics course?  Or the hometown of ESPN?  And this woman could be a heartbeat away from the Presidency?  Given McCain’s age, it’s a distinct possibility.  Be vewy vewy caweful…