Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Clichés! Get yer clichés here!

Haven’t done any of these in a while, so I thought I’d catch up voluminously with a few more that leapt to mind today…

Here’s one that was particularly common to ‘70s and ‘80s TV sitcoms:  the fertile male who doesn't want any more children, but who’s paranoid about getting a vasectomy.  I have a little news flash for all you guys out there—it’s not that bad!  I had it done about ten years ago so I could forego using condoms with my girl Stacy during our rendezvous in Las Vegas, and never regretted it.  Wished I’d done it sooner, actually, but the timing was perfect—thanks to my medical benefits at the time, it didn’t cost me a damn thing!  I have no desire to have children, and it was a load off our minds knowing I wouldn’t get Stacy pregnant (or at least was highly unlikely to), thus making the sex that much more enjoyable.  Yes, there was some discomfort for about a day-and-a-half or so—it felt like someone jabbed a ball bat in my crotch about a dozen times—but the L’il General was fully-operational and rarin’ to go a couple days afterward.  And all that crap about your voice getting higher is pure hooey!  I would, however, suggest that if you have this procedure done, drive home in a smooth-riding vehicle.  Even the slightest bump in the road was an adventure in pain on the way home in my old Honda Prelude, which had all the ground clearance of a cockroach!

A little poetry, courtesy of the late Redd Foxx:
Paternal suits don't bother me
To the doctor, I owe my thanks
Because since my operation
I'm only shooting blanks!

In the movie and TV universe from the late ‘60s onward, women are rarely seen wearing pantyhose or tights under their skirts.  Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the woman will undress (or be involuntarily undressed/de-skirted) and be wearing thigh-high stockings and a garter belt, even if said attire is totally inappropriate for the character or the situation.  For instance, how many high school girls (slutty cheerleaders included) wear stockings and garter belts to school?  Or your typical office secretary/receptionist?  And apart from "The Benny Hill Show", how practical would it be for a hospital nurse or a police woman or a waitress in a diner to wear them?  Yes, exposed thighs and/or crotches are generally considered far sexier than pantyhose to most lecherous men "eyeing little girls with bad intent", but realism takes a holiday more often than not in movie land.  A good example would be the Elvira-Mistress of The Dark movie where the divine Miss E is shown disrobing out of her trademark costume just like in this pic, which, as you can see, had a slit up one leg practically all the way up to her pelvis, with which she always wore sheer black pantyhose.  However, as she’s removing her sexy dress in the film, we’re supposed to believe that the sheer black pantyhose were actually sheer black garter stockings the whole time she was in her costume, or that they quickly morphed into stockings as she undressed.

In the movies and on nearly every TV cop drama show, prostitutes who walk the streets are always attractive statuesque babes wearing curly (usually red) wigs, more make-up than Mimi on "Drew Carey Show", tight leopard-print or zebra-striped mini-skirts, fishnets and thigh-high boots with 4" heels.  While I’m no expert on prostitution, nor do I partake of this activity, I’m pretty sure it ain’t quite as glamorous as movies portray those who are "Out on the streets for a living," as the Kiss song goes.  The hookers I've always seen roaming Main St. and Independence Ave. here in K.C. bear more of a resemblance to Joe Torre in drag than to Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places

Funny story:  A white guy I used to work with was out with some friends one night on the Avenue and was accosted at a traffic light by an unattractive black prostitute who said, "You want a date?"  To which he replied, "Hell, no!"  "Why not?" she asked, "Are you prejudiced?"  To which he responded, "No, you're ugly!"  Hey, give him credit for being honest, I say!

Another cliché I’ve never understood usually happens in a bar or at a high school dance or loud party or any large gathering of people when a fight or some sort of disturbance breaks out or even when someone makes a loud embarrassing remark—"But I’m not wearing any panties!" or "But, I'm not GAY!" for example.  It always amazes me how the music abruptly stops (or the band quits playing), the room suddenly gets as silent as that dumb chubby white kid on "The Cosby Show" who never said anything, and then the entire hushed crowd immediately turns to stare at the ensuing scuffle and/or offending party/parties.

The one constant found in nearly every cop drama is the temperamental blowhard Police Sergeant who incessantly berates his men, never mind that they’re the best cops on the force and put their asses on the line all the time, not to mention nab the bad guys every time out.  Examples of this stereotypical character would be Capt. Doby on "Starsky & Hutch", Nick Nolte’s superior in 48 Hrs., Lt. Ryker on "The Rookies" and Eddie Murphy’s boss in the Beverly Hills Cop flicks.  It always gets me how these guys always seem to be at odds with their men, yet most of these donut-eating chumps couldn’t run down some purse-snatching thug or rapist with a 50-yard head start!  Okay, the donut thing is a cliché within a cliché, but you get the idea.  In a similar vein was that annoying cover-my-ass hospital administrator Dr. Astin that Jack Klugman was always embroiled with on "Quincy, M.E.".

Ain’t it amazing how in Westerns, that the horses never shit?  Just once in all those episodes of "Bonanza" or "Gunsmoke", don’t you think there’d be some horsie doody on Main St. in front of the saloon?  I always wondered who did all the poop-scoopin' in these shows?  Hell, even in parade scenes in non-Westerns, there’s never any caca in the streets!  Come to think of it, even in PG- or R-rated cowboy movies, I don’t think I’ve ever seen any piles of excrement anywhere.  Just once, I'd enjoy seeing Trigger or Seabiscuit rare back and take a dump on camera, for realism's sake!

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