I Am A WORSER American!

Unless you’re an Internet newbie or have been in a cave since the Clinton administration, you’ve no doubt received or seen that e-mail attachment entitled “Yes, I’m A Bad American”, which no less than three of my good (and well-meaning) friends have sent to me over the last couple years. You know, the one that’s been circulating around the Internet for several years that some chest-thumping scrotum-scratching Alpha-male wrote extolling patriotic American virtues and social mores under the veil of macho bravado bullshit.  I did a little snooping (Snoping?) on the Snopes.com site and it seems this thing first surfaced around the Bush-Gore election in 2000 in the FreeRepublic.com forum board.

There are numerous different versions of "Bad American" because it’s been added to and altered more often than Michael Jackson’s face was, plus somewhere along the line, someone tried to claim it was written by the late George Carlin.  GC quickly disavowed himself of it on his website long before he died, correctly pointing out that it doesn’t even sound like anything he would’ve written or said.  The piece has also been credited to the likes of Ted Nugent, “comedian” Denis Leary (whom I personally find about as funny as crib death) and Rush Limbaugh.  After reading it again, I could actually picture Nugent writing something like this much moreso than Carlin, and it’s blatantly obvious that if George had indeed written it, it’d have been a helluva lot funnier and a lot less pompous, but some folks are thoroughly convinced that Brother George was the author anyway.  By the way, if you ever look anything up on Snopes, beware of their website—it produces more pop-ups than the Kansas City Royals’ anemic offense...

Anyway, another good friend of mine (again, very well-meaning) e-mailed “Bad American” to me this week, thinking it was fresh and new, and every time I read it, I get riled up.  While I don’t necessarily disagree with everything it says, I’m so very tired of this phony right-wing Toby Keith-style rah-rah wrap-yourself-up-in-the-flag rhetoric crap and being told I’m not patriotic and/or not a man because I don’t do this or that.  So after reading this stupid thing for the umpteenth time, it was time for Sir Rant-A-Lot to get on the case and play hypocrisy pointer-outer.  I put together a composite of the various versions of “Bad American” and went line-by-line here, with my comments in orange (sorry if that’s not a patriotic enough color for you).  This is NOT aimed at decent genuine and sincere patriotic Americans, so please don’t take my words personally—it’s aimed at whoever wrote this piece of crap in the first place and those who think it‘s the Gospel truth…

“I am the liberal progressives’ worst nightmare.  I am a BAD American.”
Yes, you’re bad and you’re nationwide—and a pain in the backside to a radical moderate like yours truly.  Worst nightmare, you say?  You ain’t even close—for me, that would be the inevitable “Roseanne” marathon on Nick At Nite.

“I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.”
Nah, you don’t need trivial crap like roads, bridges, the military, schools, police protection, etc., do ya?  You're doin' just fine right there in the ol' Man Cave, eh?

“I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!”
I normally don’t like to steal other people’s material, but I’ll make an exception this one time with something I read on a similar blog post to this one:  “I’m glad you’re in touch with yourself.  That’s important.  It makes you seem a little more sensitive when your feelings happen to be a giant middle finger to anyone who differs from your opinion.”

“I ride Harley-Davidson motorcycles and I believe in American products.”
Yeah?  Well, I don’t see Honda or Toyota needing a bailout, do you?  I currently drive a Chevy, but one of the most dependable cars I’ve ever driven was a Honda.  Virtually all of my audio/video equipment is made by Sony and Foster’s is one of my favorite beers.  Anheuser-Busch is an American corporation (with a German name) that’s been co-opted by Belguim.  Am I to assume you won’t drink Budweiser anymore?  Good—you just keep right on drinking your Coors and Miller Light, then—that way there’s more Michelob Ultra for me!  As for riding Harleys, I prefer having four wheels underneath me when I’m doing 70 mph instead of two—sorry if I’m not manly enough for you.  At least I don’t need to wear a helmet to drive to work.

“And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my drivers’ license.  I think it’s good…and I’m proud that “GOD” is written on my money.”
Just so long as you don’t have to show your face at the weekly KKK rallies—right, Jethro?  Not sure what the God/money thing has to do with your drivers’ license, but since money is the root of all evil, does this mean He is endorsing evil?

“I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.”
Owning a gun doesn’t alter your intelligence level one bit, nor does it prove your manhood.  All it proves to me is you either like to shoot things or you have a tiny penis and feel you have to compensate for it in other ways.  Suck on that one, Fred Nugent!

“I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.”
Fine, whatever.  By the way, your sentence structure is almost as bad as Master Yoda’s, it is.

“I believe if you’re selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.”
Only if this also applies to those McDonald’s employees who might “axe” me when my “burfday” is and "where I be stayin' at."

“I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.”
Uhhh, they are, in many municipalities, so I’m sure you can find lots of places to stick that Roman candle up your anus and light it.

“I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster.  In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through four years plus, of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.”
Does this go for those pansy ass “student-athletes” that get free-ride scholarships so they can have other people take their exams for them while they play football, Mr. Crimson Tide/Fighting Irish fan?

“I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.”
What’s the bet this doesn’t apply with you when the Muslim chick (who doesn’t speak English) selling you your Big Mac is allowed 15-minute prayer breaks on the job, while the Christians and agnostics have to keep right on working.

“My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.”
Jerry’s still on the air, dumbass.  You were a panelist on his show once, weren’t you?  I remember now—you were the one wearing the Depends diaper (on the outside). 

Based on this remark, do y'all HONESTLY still believe G. Carlin wrote this whole diatribe?  I think not.

“I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.”
I pity the fool who originated this thing.  Mr. T. probably does too.

“I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.”
But I bet you still waste your time watching that mindless crap, doncha?

“I think global warming is a big lie.  Where are all those experts now, when I’m freezing my ass off during these long winters?”
Don't be stealing my material, butt-munch!

“I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt.  I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you!  So shut the hell up already.”
You’re just a do-nothing sort of guy, ain't ya?

“I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.  Can I get an AMEN on that one?”
Jesse’s a douche, no question, but in my view, you could say that about virtually ALL big-name religious figures and/or mega-churches.  The bigger they are, the less I trust them.

“I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them.”
There’s that obsession about shooting things again.

“I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.”
Yes, you don't see enough colored people’s law-breaking donkeys being pulled over these days.

“I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.”
That goes double for those who don’t know how to COUNT ballots—can I get an Amen on THAT, Florida and Minnesota?

“I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making “donations” to their cause.  These people should be targets.”
I actually agree with this one, only I would add that if you’re ignorant enough to buy candy from a total stranger on a street corner, you deserve to get sick from whatever the seller poisoned it with.  Meantime, get your parents to pay for your friggin’ football uniforms and quit holding up traffic at rush hour!

“I believe the President of the United States should put his hand over his heart and say the Pledge of Allegiance and should have no reservations about wearing American flag pins on his lapel.”
You can do anything, but don’t step on my blue suede shoes!  And he can wear a carnation that squirts water on his freakin’ lapel, for all I care—I’m so sick of all this superficial symbolism!

“I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.”
But those two parents can’t be gay, even if they actually LOVE the child, right?  Naw, it’s always better with (take your pick) alcoholic/drug addict/incestuous/deadbeat heterosexual parents instead, especially when there’s TWO, right?

“I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA!”
I missed that memo—when did our country switch to ALL CAPS?  Yeah, all those infernal state and local flags are just blasphemous.  I guess those checkered flags at NASCAR races will have to go, also.  Those little flags you affix to your vehicle to show devotion to your favorite NFL or college football team?  Fuck ‘em!  And take your damn Confederate flag with you too.  Srry, all you Rebs—you lost.  Get over it!

“If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American…We want our country back!
Uhhh, what’s up with all the paranoia?  You never lost your country in the first place—it’s still here, warts and all, and last time I checked, we’re still free.  So put your red white and blue Depends undies back on and go to bed already…

“We need God back in our country!”
But I thought God was everywhere—ain't that what your Bible sez?  Everywhere includes America, last I checked.

By the way, this line alone is all the proof you need that Carlin didn’t write this, considering his attitude about “these fucking church people!”

END OF SERMON

And lawdy Miss Clawdy, just today, another Worser American like me posted something on this very topic.  Click here for yet another viewpoint.  Oh, and to my good friends, I kindly launch this appeal:  PLEASE!  I’M BEGGING YOU!  DON’T SEND ME THIS FUCKING THING ANYMORE!!!