Wednesday, August 25, 2010

"Reelin' In The Years" - Vol. 1

While researching facts this week for my upcoming Comets blog manifesto, I’ve been perusing my old journal notes that I used to keep back about 20 years ago.  Not a diary, per se, but a collection of stuff that was going on in my personal life, as well as in the sports/news/entertainment world as well.  I’ve come across quite a few gems that I’d totally forgotten about, so I thought I’d share them here with my original comments in light blue

Mon. January 14, 1991:  “There is speculation that ABC may not broadcast this year’s Super Bowl should they do 24-hour-a-day coverage of the Persian Gulf thing [war].”
Riiiiiight, like THAT would ever happen!  There wasn’t enough news from that conflict to warrant wall-to-wall coverage anyway, and they sure as hell weren’t about to kiss off all that moolah they would make off the commercials.

Wed. January 23, 1991:  “Two guys combined to win $105,044.60 at the Woodlands on a Superfecta in the 4th race.  After taxes, they received $78,784.60.
Now that the place is closed, it’s easy to forget what a big deal The Woodlands doggie track was over on the Kansas side in the early ‘90s.  Before Wyandotte County snagged the Kansas Speedway, The Woodlands dog and horse tracks were their first major coup, and when pari-mutual betting was a new thing around these parts, people drove in droves out there to bet on the pups.  I remember you used to have to call ahead to reserve a table in the glassed-in area and they charged for parking too.  The Woodlands even used to have a local Saturday night TV show recapping the previous week’s races and winning jackpots and such.  They had no sooner established a foothold on the K.C. area when the riverboat casinos came along in Missouri in 1994 and just killed the dog track, especially when the Gaming Commission allowed slot machines at the boats.  By the end of the decade, The Woodlands was a virtual ghost town and was put to sleep two years ago this week.

Mon. January 28, 1991:  “(I) Took the Beta machine out to Blue Springs for estimate to repair eject mechanism.”
Remember the good ol’ days when you’d take video equipment in for repairs?  Now you just buy a new unit and move on without giving it a second thought!  And, yes, I was still using a Sony Betamax VCR in 1991.  I will defend Beta to my death over VHS—the picture quality was far superior on Beta…

Wed. March 6, 1991:  “In Los Angeles, overzealous policemen beat the crap out of a black man, one Rodney King, during a routine arrest.  What made this story big is that someone caught the entire incident on video.  Big stink coming…”
Man, did I call that one or what?  One of my more accurate prophecies, although I did underestimate how big of a stink it actually developed into...

Tue. March 12, 1991:  “David Letterman’s Top 10 List:  Top 10 Courses Take By UNLV Players
10.  Investing your illegal recruiting money wisely.
9.  NBA Team Mascots:  Are they really big animals?
8.  Naming the Presidents since Kennedy.
7.  The hydraulic principles of the keg.
6.  Your ass from a hole in the ground:  a comparative study.
5.  The college classroom:  a simulation.
4.  Nudie paintings from the olden days.
3.  Copying off the exam of the guy in front of you.
2.  How to spell Tarkanian.
1.  How to choose the best free car.

I don’t recall all the details, but this had to do with some sort of academics scandal at University of Nevada-Las Vegas that led to the downfall of head basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian.  I loved #s 8, 6 and 2 the most.  I'm not so certain Bo Jackson could've passed any of these...

Mon. March 25, 1991:  “Prior to tonight’s Blades-Admirals hockey game at Kemper, Miss USA from Kansas, Kelli McCarty, made an appearance to drop the puck.  They brought her onto the ice in a Mustang convertible, which had as much traction as a greased pig on a water slide.  After two precarious laps around the ice, they tried to drive off after the puck drop, but couldn’t get the car turned around toward the south tunnel, so several of the Blades and Admirals players were kind enough to lend a hand and get the car pointed in the right direction.  None of this seemed to faze Miss McCarty, who just continued waving to the crowd.”
From the “just when you think you’ve seen it all” department.  Miss McCarty reminded me of a Stepford Wife the way she continued to mindlessly wave to the crowd as if nothing was amiss.  My friend Tom, meanwhile, missed the entire 2nd period of the game waiting in line just to get her autograph...dummy!  I didn't think she was all that hot, myself…

Wed. April 3, 1991:  “Bo Jackson signed a guaranteed $1 million contract with the Chicago White Sox, despite the fact that he’s supposed to be hurt.  Either the Sox know something the Royals don’t, or they’re the biggest suckers since the people who fell for Herbalife.  Bo’s motivation to sign with Chicago was so he could come back and haunt the Royals.  I quote:  ‘By them releasing me, it’s given me an opportunity to play for a winner.’  He also said something to the effect that he only played at ‘half-speed’ for the Royals, and that he was better than most players at full-speed.”
He later claimed that late Royals owner Ewing Kauffman had some sort of “personal vendetta” to get him out of Kansas City, hence his release by the Royals.  Sure, Bo, whatever you say.  This coming from a guy who could barely stagger down to first base running out ground balls at that point because of the hip injury he sustained playing for the L.A. Raiders in 1990.  Ewing Kauffman was never known to have a grudge with anyone, including an egomaniac like Bo.  And oh by the way, the Royals were the better team than the White Sox in the early ‘90s.  The whole Bo Jackson sideshow is an era in Royals history most of us would like to forget.  Dumbass should’ve stuck with baseball in the first place—he’d have had a longer career.  What a maroon…

Mon. April 15, 1991:  “The Sac-Of-Shit [Sacramento] Kings set a new all-time NBA record last night for consecutive road losses with their 35th against the mighty Minnesota Timberwolves at the Target Center.”
I took great delight in reveling in the former Kansas City and/or Omaha Kings’ utter futility back then.  That streak ultimately reached 43 games in November of '91.  We weren’t missing a damn thing since they left town…

Wed. April 25, 1991:  “A day after he got whooped, Bjorn Borg’s wife Loredana Berte tried to commit suicide.  C’mon, he didn’t play THAT bad.”
I know that wasn’t funny, but I couldn’t resist.

Mon. April 29, 1991:  “The National Stuttering Project is now on Porky Pig’s case, claiming that he makes fun of people that stutter.”
Reminds me of the animal rights wing-nuts who protested the AFLAC duck circa. 2002, concerned about the violence inflicted upon it.  Uhhhh, folks—it’s not a real duck!  Speaking of animal rights wing-nuts, keep reading a couple items down…

Mon. April 29, 1991:  “The great actor Jeff Conaway, formerly Bobby Wheeler on ‘Taxi’ has been sentenced to house arrest and ordered to attend alcoholism classes for three years for hitting a bicyclist while driving drunk.  Conaway was ordered not to leave his home for 60 days. Hope he stocked the fridge first."
I’d forgotten how far back this dweeb's substance abuse issues went.  Guy couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag anyway, and it seemed only fitting that he was a cab driver on TVConaway was a hack playing a hack…

Wed. May 1, 1991:  [En route to Cleveland on a road trip] “Between Columbus and Cleveland, I stumbled across the Rush Limbaugh program on the radio.  He did one of his Animal Rights Updates that just cracked me up.  It seems as though some animal rights crusader was found dead in some farmyard where they kept a bunch of bulls and cows.  Apparently, the woman was trampled to death.  Later, authorities discovered that the bulls and cows were all wearing condoms.  Evidently, the woman was trying to implement birth control amongst these bovines to prevent more of them from being born and later slaughtered.  It didn’t work…”
While I’m loathe to admit I ever even listened to the Big Fat Idiot in the first place, I have to admit that some of the stuff he did back in the early days of his show was pretty funny before he revealed his true colors as a bigoted moose twit.

More classics to come in future posts, so stay tuned, boys and girls!

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