Big fat tires and everything...

OH, WHAT A TWIT!
Heaven forbid that Michelle Obama would even dare to look at Queen Elizabeth during her visit to merry ole England last week, let alone put her arm around her!  Don’t you just love it when the media gets a hold of something like this and runs amok with it?  Apparently, it goes against protocol for anyone to act human in the presence of Her Royal Haughtiness, so putting one’s arm around the bitch is strictly forbidden.  Never mind that HRH initiated the contact with Mrs. O.—what was Michelle ‘sposed to do, pull away from the Queen as if she had cooties or something?  No disrespect intended, but I have a news flash for all youse Brits out there—Her Royal Hiney’s shit stinks just like everyone else’s!  This whole monarchy crap is about as relevant today as a K-Tel Record, and should’ve been done away with decades ago…

THE HOUSE THAT A-ROID BUILT?
Even though it cost a king’s ransom to build, I have to say I’m fairly impressed with the new Yankee Stadium in Gotham City (click pic to enlarge), which had its shakedown cruise last Friday during an exhibition game between the Bronx Bummers and the Cubbies.  An egregious wrong has finally been righted with the return of the famed Yankee Stadium frieze ringing the roof of the ballpark, just like it did before the mid-’70s renovation, which relegated it to a cheesy plastic rendering above the outfield bleachers.  Another feature I like is the replica linescore board embedded in the outfield wall, similar to the ones used during the Mantle/Ford/Kubek/Skowron era.  The concourses look pretty impressive too, but then again, for eleventy-billion semolians, they oughtta be!

BLOW JOB! BLOW JOB! BLOW JOB!
A boot to the head to Royals reliever Kyle Farnsworth for serving up a grapefruit to the White Sox’ Jim Thome in the 8th inning on Opening Day, giving the ChiSox the 4-2 win, and wasting a fine outing by starting pitcher Gil Meche.  Farnsworth did the same crap with the Cubs, Tigers and Yankees, and I cursed the day the Royals signed this bonehead.  Yes, I know, one loss doth not a season make, but this is going to be a long year with him in our bullpen.

IOWA, WE HARDLY KNEW YE!
I was quite surprised (and pleased) to see the state of Iowa’s Supreme Court rule that their gay marriage ban was/is illegal.  Yes, we're talking God-fearing/conservative/corn-belt/Radar O'Reilly's Iowa!  But of course, all the right-wing religious pinheads out there are already declaring this as another blow to the institution of marriage.  Funny, but I don’t see where gay people have contributed to the divorce rate of 50% percent for first marriages, 67% for second marriages and 74% for third ones in this country, do you?  Seems to me this “institution” is imploding just fine on its own…

ARE WE UP-TO-CODE NOW?
Much hand-wringing has taken place in K.C. lately over the dress code adopted by the Power & Light entertainment district, which includes the new Sprint Center arena.  The code’s detractors claim it is racially motivated to exclude people of the Rap/Hip-Hop element.  What it’s actually saying to these people is “pull your freakin’ pants up, already, ya dweebs!”  The code also addresses skankily-attired females, but it sure didn’t prevent Britney Spears from performing at Sprint the other night…

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #14
When someone’s on the phone (pre-cellphone era) and their call gets disconnected, why do they always react by clicking the hang-up button and frantically uttering “Hello?” several times?  Like that’s going to bring the other caller back?  Pushing the button only guarantees you’ve been disconnected!

DA BLOOZ!
The end of the NHL’s regular season is fast approaching, and it’s been fun watching the St. Louis Blues launch a mad late-season dash to make the playoffs after a poor start to the season.  St. Lou was a regular fixture in the Stanley Cup playoffs for 25 years straight until hard times struck during this decade when the NHL labor stoppage all but killed the team.  Former NHL goalie and broadcaster John Davidson (not the hack nightclub singer of the same name) took over as team President a couple years ago and, unlike the NFL’s Matt Millen, has made the transition from the TV booth to the front office successfully.  JD has managed to round up a good core group of young players like Brad Boyes, Barrett Jackman, David Backes and Erik Johnson that could be the nucleus of a dominant team for years to come.  Best of all, it’s great to see the fans are responding by filling the seats again, just like in the glory days of the old St. Louis Arena on Oakland Avenue.  Now if only K.C. had a hockey team…

The (Love) Life of Brian--Part I

One topic I've rarely discussed on this blog is my love-life, mostly because there ain’t a whole lot to discuss.  I actually don’t mind being open about it, even though it’s a facet of my life that I’m not overly-proud of.  In my view, my history with the opposite sex is checkered at best, and rather pathetic at worst.  To give you an idea of exactly how pathetic, I’ll turn 45 in June, and to date, I’ve spent a cumulative total of a year-and-a-half in serious relationships with women.  That’s 18 months out of 45 years—barely 3% of my lifetime!  Now, I do realize there are lots of poor schlubs out there who’ve had even less experience than I have, but it still doesn’t sit well with me that this is all I have to hang my hat on.  I’ve only had three real relationships with women-folk in my life, each one lasting no more than six months, and each preceded and followed by lengthy dry spells without a significant other, including the current drought that’s approaching ten years, which just surpassed my previous personal record of nine.  And of those three relationships, the best one involved a beautiful woman who lived 1,800 miles and two time zones away from me, so even then I had to really go out of my way just to enjoy a brief spate of happiness with a female human being.

It’s certainly NOT that I don’t love women—I love women every bit as much as I love Rock ‘N’ Roll, T-bone steak, “Sanford And Son” reruns, beer and hockey—but I’ve either been too shy, too awkward, too short, too unattractive, too scared, too agnostic or too unlucky (or any combination of the above) to really get anywhere with a woman on a long-term basis.  I haven’t even been on a freakin’ date—let alone kissed a woman on the lips—in damn near ten years, so as you might imagine, I’m a tad rusty and I have a fairly big itch to scratch!  I also can’t help but wonder if all of the good women are already taken anyway and/or what the hell is wrong with me sometimes.  I don’t mean for this to be a pity-party here for yours truly—trust me, this series isn't all gloom-and-doom—but I really need to take this mental garbage out, so I appreciate your indulgence if you choose to read onward about what I think is a very unorthodox love-life…

I realize I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but it frustrates me no end when I see other people who seem to never want for a companion, like a good friend of mine who’s never been alone in the nearly 18 years I’ve known him—one relationship would end for him, and he’d find someone else seemingly without even missing a beat, kinda like those lizards that lose a leg and grow one back right away.  Am I jealous?  A little, but after years and years of dating services, personals ads, failed set-ups, complete whiffs on my part on secret admirer attempts, dashed hopes, numerous other dead-ends and disappointments and sheer indifference on the part of women I‘ve pursued, can you blame me?

Want a few examples?  At least twice, I pursued women whom I was unaware were lesbians...I once had a co-worker girl turn me down for a lunch date by saying, “I don’t really eat lunch.”...I was even desperate enough to pursue another co-worker chick who had hairier arms than I do, and still, I even struck out with her!...A cute girl in college once turned me down for a date because she was seeing a blind guy.  I repeat—a blind guy—D’oh!...I’ve also been blown off by women who deemed me too short (I’m 5’8”) and not cowboy enough for them.  Hey, I rode a horse once—Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!...And I couldn’t begin to tell you how many women I’ve had my eye on who were hell-bent on getting married and having kids (not my scene—read on, folks), and one personals ad respondent even specifically wanted me to impregnate her with no strings attached!  Peter Wolf and J. Geils Band really nailed it for my love-life:  “I’ve had the blues, the reds and the pinks…I’ve been through it all—love stinks!”  Damn straight!

What sucks most of all is at this stage in my life, I find the window of opportunity rapidly closing on me to find someone new.  I know, I know:  never say never—but the odds of finding the woman of my dreams (or even a reasonable facsimile) are really stacked against me as I move through middle age.  I absolutely do not want kids (mine or anyone else’s), and the majority of the unattached women in my age group are divorcees with children.  While I realize that not wanting kids greatly reduces the playing field for me, it’s something that I am absolutely adamant about.  I’m not very good with kids (regardless of their age) and I don’t care to be around them, let alone take on the responsibility of raising them.  Call me selfish if you want, but give me credit for knowing my limitations when it comes to an important issue like this.

I ain’t really looking for marriage, either, which also hinders my chances.  I’ve seen too many friends, family members and co-workers get married and wind up miserable and/or bitter, to the point where I have to question is it really worth it?  Shit, I've watched my own parents merely put up with each other for the last 40 years, so If it comes down to a choice between being trapped in a loveless marriage or being alone, I’d much rather be alone—I’m already used to that, anyway.  I suppose I miss out on the bonuses in life thinking this way, but I also miss out on the pain and heartache that can suck the life right out of you.  Anyway, I can count on one hand the married people I know who are truly happy (Rose, Tom, Phil, and…um, well I guess that‘s it).  Even the thought of living together with someone scares me a bit.  You see, I’ve always been your basic loner, and I would have a difficult time adjusting to sharing my abode with another person, even say, a male roommate, let alone a significant female other.  When I “played house” with my long-distance girlfriend for ten days about ten years ago, it felt weird having someone else around all the time.  Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely LOVED her being here, but not having my own place all to myself felt very odd to me.

I’ve also come to the sobering realization that now that I’m in my mid-‘40s, I probably don’t have any business dating anyone under 30 anymore, so that narrows my options even further.  I’d prefer to be with someone who at least, as Col. Potter on “MASH” once said, “remembers the same Presidents”, thus anyone born during or after the Reagan Administration is pretty much off my radar scope now.  Just as well—I find the majority of today’s under-30 tattooed, cell phone-obsessed, overly-pierced, skanky Paris Hilton wanna-be generation of females to be shallower than shit anyhow.  Even worse, I rarely even meet anyone nowadays who remotely interests me personality-wise or attracts me physically.  I’m to blame for a lot of that because I don’t get out as much as I should, but it’s been years since I’ve even met someone who I’d even want to have a drink with, let alone who honked my proverbial hooter and made me want to ask her out.  Dating services/websites are a joke, singles events are demeaning, bars are a dead-end to me (including even my friend Phil’s band gigs), dating a co-worker is almost always a no-win situation, and the Internet is full of phonies and playas.  Ironically, the only truly-satisfying relationship I ever had was a chance on-line encounter, but I consider that to be just pure dumb luck more than anything else.  Lightning doesn’t strike twice, you know…

Stay tuned for Part II, where I trace the origins of my social dysfunction and initial failures with girls during Bob Seger's "awkward teenage blues"...

Eyeing little blogs with bad intent...

SEVEN MORE YEARS OF 40 MINUTES OF HELL?  COOL!
I’d have bet my next paycheck that MU head basketball coach Mike Anderson would’ve bolted to Georgia or Memphis and the money they were about to throw at him.  Good thing I didn’t, because in a rare display of loyalty in college hoops, Anderson decided to remain in Columbia and signed a seven-year contract extension.  He could’ve gotten a lot more money from those other schools, too, but I bet he figured why start over somewhere else when I just spent three years rebuilding a program that is now poised to be a perennial Big 12 power?  Finally, some stability at MU, both in basketball and football, for a change…

LOU SABAN, 1922-2009
Colorful football coaching legend Lou Saban passed away over the weekend of congestive heart failure at age 87.  Lou—no relation to turncoat Alabama head coach Nick Saban—was the original head coach of the then-Boston Patriots in the old AFL, and later led the Buffalo Bills to back-to-back AFL titles in ’64 and ’65 and coached them again in the mid ‘70s (when double-murderer O.J. Simpson still legally ran amok) after a stint as Denver Broncos head coach from ’67 to ‘69.  During Saban’s tenure in Denver, NFL Films captured one of the funniest sideline coach sound bytes of all-time (included in this video remembrance) when Lou—exasperated by the play of his offense—uttered those immortal words, "They’re killin’ me, Whitey—they’re killin’ me!!"  Assistant coach Whitey Dovell was the target of Lou’s hissy-fit, and to this day, I often use "They’re killin’ me, Whitey…" during my own little fits of rage, although most people don’t have a clue what I’m talking about.  Saban had another famous sound byte before the cameras during a locker room pep talk in Buffalo in the ‘70s:  "You can get it done…what’s more, ya GOTTA get it done!"  Rest in peace, Lou…

THE NAME GAME, PART I
Speaking of the Patriots, I can actually remember when they were still called the "Boston" Patriots when I was little, and hearing that name always warms my heart.  "New England" Patriots always leaves me a little flat, for some reason, even though they play an hour away from Beantown now.  Same goes for "Florida" Marlins—it sounds too much like Florida Evans from "Good Times".  I hope they finally get their new stadium in Miami proper so they can finally be the Miami Marlins.  "Washington" Bullets is another lame example—Baltimore Bullets sounded so much cooler with the alliteration (plus they had the coolest uniforms in the NBA back in the day).  At least Washington Wizards sounds slightly hipper than Washington Bullets, and it’s a damn sight better than Washington Nationals—what a bland name for a team!

THE NAME GAME, PART II
Famed Kansas City-based architectural firm HOK Sport Venues, best known for their designs of major stadiums and arenas around the world, like the new Yankee Stadium and Citi Field in Gotham City, the new Twins stadium in Minneapolis, and the retrofitting of our own Truman Sports Complex, has changed its name to Populous.  That’s nice, but get a load of the bugle oil they’re spouting about their new name:  "Populous allows us to enthusiastically embrace the expertise we uniquely claim—drawing people together," according to senior partner Joe Spear.  What the hell does all that have to do with designing stadiums?  I hate it when these big corporations get all lofty and spin-doctor-y over some name change—why don’t you just admit that you bought yourselves out from your parent ownership group and shut the hell up already?

SPEAKING OF STADIUMS...
Ain't it amazing how the only time construction workers ever seem to go on strike is when they're doing a major project like a stadium or arena, a convention center, airport or high-rise hotel?  That's what's been happening here this week with a couple of the unions involved in remodeling Arrowhead and Kauffman Stadiums.  Funny how these union schlubs never get the urge to go on strike when they're building a Wal-Mart or a Starbucks or something.  Forgetting the stadiums for a moment, I think these som-bitches have one helluva nerve going on strike during this economic climate—I bet there's a few thousand unemployed construction workers out there who would gladly cross their picket lines and take their places.

TAKE OFF—YOU HOSERS!
Hate to keep beating a dead horse here, but I read another discussion about the Crock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame on msnbc.com this week about why classic groups like Rush and the Moody Blues are excluded from consideration for the Hall, yet "Rockers" like Run-DMC get voted in.  You can read the whole thing here, but here are a couple snippets:

—According to Joel Peresman, president and CEO of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Foundation, Inc., the initial selections are made by a committee of 30 to 35 music business people.

I think we’ve hit upon the operative word here—business!

—"It’s not really that this one [act] sold this many albums or this many tickets," explains Peresman.  "It’s really ‘What’s the significance of the artist? And why should they be inducted?’"

Duhhh!  That’s precisely the point I’ve been trying to make this whole time—what impact and/or influence has that artist had on Rock ‘N’ Roll music over time?  You can’t tell me that Rush or the Moody Blues or Kiss or the dozens of other HOF-worthy acts who are annually snubbed by this sham institution aren’t significant.  And I defy any of these committee people to explain the "significance" of Leonard Cohen to us.  I bet if you polled 100 average Rock fans, not a damn one of them could to tell you who Cohen is.  Hell, I’m a very above-average Rock fan, and even I can’t tell you who the hell he is without looking him up on the Internet!  Throw me a frickin’ bone here…

Come on Joel, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal—why don’t you just come out and admit that the selection process for the Hall is pure politics perpetrated by a bunch of elitist music journalist snobs who wouldn’t know Rock ‘N’ Roll if it bit them in the ass?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #111
"Get Over It"—THE EAGLES (1994)  "…wallow in the guilt, you wallow in the pain/You wave it like a flag, yeah, you wear it like a crown…"  I originally thought Don Henley sang "you wear it like a badge", as in red badge of courage, which would still fit right in with the Jerry Springer/Moron Povich crowd.  Easily my favorite Eagles song of all-time, too.

GOOD QUESTION/GOOD ANSWER
Brian Griffin:  "Shouldn’t there be an ‘o’ in ‘country’?"
Glen Quagmire:  "No"

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #13
Why is it TV and movie people who go on skiing weekends with their friends always have the ulterior motive of scoring hot chicks or hot guys?  I think I’d forego the skiing altogether and just stay home and shoot for getting laid instead—it’s safer!

AND THE BOSS DON’T MIND SOMETIMES IF YOU ACT A FOOL…
I re-watched one of my all-time favorite comedy flicks this week, the mighty Car Wash from the 1976.  For some reason, I have an affinity with movies that don’t really have a plot to speak of—like American Graffiti, The Big Chill, Hollywood Knights and Fast Times At Ridgemont High—and CW fits in that groove.  It featured a typical work day at a Los Angeles semi-automatic car wash emporium staffed by dysfunctional employees and frequented by even crazier customers (Pop Bottle Bomber, anyone?).  The movie was shot on location at an actual old-school car wash at 6th & Rampart in L.A. (long since demolished in the ‘80s), which made things seem all the more real, and many of the shenanigans that went on there were certainly very believable—made you almost want to work there!

The cameo appearances by the late Richard Pryor and George Carlin or even the Pointer Sisters and "Saturday Night Live"’s Garrett Morris in Car Wash weren’t even necessary—they were merely there to lend a little star power—and this film could’ve easily made it on its own with its ensemble cast of mostly unknowns, some of whom made names for themselves later.  You had a pre-Huggy Bear Antonio Fargas playing the ever-flaming Lindy…Darrow Igus, who played Floyd, later became a regular on ABC’s "Fridays"…future MTV VJ J.J. Jackson was the radio DJ voice over the closing credits…and a pre-"thirtysomething" Melanie Mayron looked infinitely cuter here playing busty cashier Marsha before she lost all that weight, IMO.  There were also a few other familiar names in the cast, like ex-Hogan Hero Ivan Dixon, comedian Franklin Ajaye (a Pryor wanna-be with the biggest afro this side of the late Billy Preston), and even Oakland Raiders defensive behemoth Otis Sistrunk, who played the cook at the diner across the street.  Danny DeVito was even in the original screen version of Car Wash, but this thing has been butchered up so many times for re-issue on VHS and DVD, and his scenes plus a few others have vanished over time for reasons unknown.

Oh, and did I mention the killer soundtrack?  It featured some great stuff from the dying days of old-school ‘70s Soul and R&B, right before Disco came along and finished it off...

1974 - The Year of the Weird

I was listening to one of my homemade ‘70s compilation CDs the other day ("Have A Nice Day-Deluxe", as I like to call my little creations) and while cruising the year 1974, I couldn’t help but note the number of odd recordings that wound up being hit records that year.  I mean, we had a singing nun, a little Ragtime, a Canadian defending America with a spoken-word 45, a tribute to James Dean (two, if you count the Eagles' "James Dean"), a hit song with a gorilla chant, an interracial duet about an aborted abortion, a hit single about a Civil War hero, another song with a fake live audience on it and a song about people running around nekkid, among others—all in the same calendar year!  Then again, this was the same year that our President resigned in infamy, Evel Knievel jumped the Snake River Canyon in a homemade rocket-cycle (well, tried to, anyway) and Philippe Petit high-wired between the World Trade Center towers, so what else should one have expected?  So, in that oddball spirit, here’s a little look back at that goofy year in music history.  To paraphrase one of the big hits thereof, “It was weird and it was wonderful…”

"The Joker"—STEVE MILLER BAND  This one was a carryover from late ‘73, with young master Miller posing as any number of aliases—the Gangster of Love, Maurice, the Pompatus of Love (whatever that is) and the Space Cowboy.  What we do know is that he was smoker and a Midnight toker…

"Seasons In The Sun"—TERRY JACKS  One of the all-time biggest sellers for Bell Records this side of the Partridge Family and Tony Orlando & Twilight, this dirge about a poor soul who was dying of some unnamed disease lit up the Billboard charts in early ’74.  We had joy, we had fun, indeed!

"Bennie And The Jets"—ELTON JOHN  “She’s got electric boobs, a Mohair suit…I read it in a magazine…”  Okay, I know the lyric was ‘boots’, b-b-b-b-but this was one of the biggest hits of the year, even with it’s faux live audience.  Late producer wunderkind Gus Dudgeon even admitted that the fake crowd noise was “out of time” with their collective clapping, as is par for the course with a British audience.  It still astounds me to this day that Elton himself thought he left France with a piece-of-crap album after recording Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.  Silly Elton…

"The Americans"—BYRON MacGREGOR  Quite possibly the most unlikely hit record in Top 40 history, this was a verbatim re-hash of an early, 1973 spoken-word commentary by legendary Canadian pundit Gordon Sinclair (accompanied by “America The Beautiful” in the background) about how Gordon/Byron was “damned tired of seeing America being kicked around” for all the good the U.S. did for the world at the time.  Even the late Tex Ritter (John’s pappy) took a shot at this little diatribe, but it was the late Mr. MacGregor’s version that went all the way to #4 on the Billboard charts.  “The Americans” was even revived in the wake of 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, albeit to a much hollower effect…

"Rock On"—DAVID ESSEX  This song has always come across as rather strange to me, for some reason—”See ‘um shake on the movie screen, uh, Jimmy Dean.”  Uhhh, the Sausage King?!?  Okay, dude, whatever, you say…

"I Love"—TOM T. HALL  Any song that pays tribute to little baby ducks scares the bejeezus outta little ol' me…

"Spiders And Snakes"—JIM STAFFORD  Another carryover from the tail-end of ‘73, and a big crossover Country song, to boot.  This song was wrote by David Bellamy of the Bellamy Bros., who was a roadie for Mr. Stafford back in the day before he became famous.

"Hooked On A Feeling"—BLUE SWEDE  I’m curious as to what think-tank came up the “Ooga-Chucka, Ooga-Chucka” chant that embellished this here 1969 B.J. Thomas hit remake.  Whomever it was, it worked, for reasons that remain unexplained to this day…

"The Lord’s Prayer"—SISTER JANET MEAD  Delivered in all earnestness, evidently—Sister Janet duplicated Mr. MacGregor’s success and took this thang all the way to #4 in the Spring of ‘74.  Amen, sistah!

"W.O.L.D."—HARRY CHAPIN/"T.S.O.P."—M.F.S.B.  A couple of hits known by their initials, the former being about an over-the-hill radio DJ (shades of Dr. Johnny Fever?) and the latter being the "Soul Train" theme, all about The Sound Of Philadelphia (performed by Mothers Fathers Sisters Brothers, as the acronym dictated).  The latter also featured the Three Degrees doing the "doot-doot-doodle-e-doos"…

"The Streak"—RAY STEVENS  Oh, yes, they called it great sensation that was sweeping the nation in ‘74—running around in the buff!  I was ten at the time and never witnessed this phenomenon in person, but heard plenty about it on the nightly news with Walter Cronkite, as well as from my older sister, who witnessed a streaker or two on campus at the University of Missouri-Kansas City, my future alma-mater.  Don't look, Ethel!

"Billy, Don’t Be A Hero"—BO DONALDSON & THE HEYWOODS  Here’s that Civil War paean I referred to earlier.  What exactly is a Heywood, anyway?

"The Night Chicago Died"—PAPER LACE  Originally recorded by those dreaded aforementioned Heywoods, “The Night Chicago Died” was the one and only hit for Paper Lace, going all the way to #1 in the summer of ‘74.  I always thought it was about the famed fire in Chicago, rather than about Al Capone and his famous vault…

"(You’re) Having My Baby"—PAUL ANKA & ODIA COATES  Man, did this song have all them conservatives shittin' bricks on not one, but two fronts here!  First, there was the whole abortion thing (or in this case, the averted variety), then you had an interracial couple singing all about it—shades of blasphemy in those days!

"Beach Baby"—FIRST CLASS  A bit of nostalgia pastiche in the American Graffiti/”Happy Days” era.  Only problem was that the ‘50s weren’t as fabulous as we‘re made to believe.  A little trivia for you, here, singer Tony Burrows also fronted The Pipkins ("Gimme Dat Ding"), The Brotherhood of Man ("United We Stand"), White Plains ("My Baby Loves Lovin'") and Edison Lighthouse ("Love Grows [Where My Rosemary Goes]'").

"Wild Thing"—FANCY  White Trash Rock ‘N’ Roll rears its ugly head on this insipid remake of the Troggs' classic.  As Jed Clampett was known to utter, “Pity-ful, pity-ful…”

"Sister Mary Elephant"/"Earache My Eye"—CHEECH & CHONG  A pair of Dr. Demento classics that hit the Top 40 in ‘74.  I could easily relate to “Elephant”, given the typical quality of substitute teachers in the Raytown School District.  Even my regular 4th-grade teacher thought this thing was a total hoot!  SHAAADUUUP!!!  “Earache” was the debut of Rock legend Alice Bowie, too…

"Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me)"—REUNION  A rapid-fire roll call of Rock ‘N’ Roll legends, both big and small, provided by former Ohio Express vocalist Joey Levine (no relation to the late Irving R. Levine).  Comedienne Tracey Ullman turned in a serviceable remake of this one in 1984.

"Kung Fu Fighting"—CARL DOUGLAS  This hit presaged Miss Piggy by at least two years with its inherent karate chops and “HI-YAAA”s.  It was disco before disco was ever cool.  Come to think of it, was Disco ever cool?!?

"Angie Baby"—HELEN REDDY  Weird song about a weird girl written by Alan O’Day (of “Undercover Angel” fame) that was cause of much conjecture in ‘74.  Did she kill the boy that came into her room?  Did she swallow him whole, or did the radio do it?  Sounded like “Search For Tomorrow” or "The Edge Of Night" territory to me…

"Mandy"—BARRY MANILOW  The first of a continuous steady stream of depressing dreary-weepies from Brother Barry, this sad-sack song checked in at numero uno at the tail-end of '74 and forever cemented Mr. Barry Allan Pinkus into the hearts and minds of American record-buyers.

"The Entertainer"—MARVIN HAMLISCH  Marvin had to reach back 72 years to snag Scott Joplin’s 1902 piano rag, which was part of the soundtrack to the hit film The Sting, starring the late Paul Newman, Robert Redford and the late Robert Shaw.  Our music teacher at Blue Ridge Elementary School was majorly impressed that I even knew who the hell Scott Joplin was way back then…

And little did 4th-grade yours truly know that all the while in 1974, some crazy-ass Rock ’N’ Roll band from New York that wore make-up and incorporated lots of pyro and fire into their live stage show was already in en route to conquering the world and would ultimately become my favorite band of all-time…

To go where no blog has gone before...

I'm still here, dear friends.  Just haven't had much time to post this week as I continue work on the new Great Wall of Raytown in my computer/stereo chamber here at the ol' homestead.  Full pictorial coverage coming soon to a blog near me as soon as I'm finished with it.

MIZZOU-RAH!
The Missouri Tigers went where no MU men’s basketball team has gone before last night by winning their 31st game of the season and upsetting the Memphis Tigers in their Sweet 16 game in the NCAA tournament.  My brackets are now totally trashed because I had Memphis winning the whole she-bang, but you won’t hear me complaining.  I have to admit, though, that when MU got up to that big 24-point lead and Memphis kept chipping away at it that I went into “Oh shit—here we go again…” mode, but for some reason, the other shoe didn’t drop this time.  The second half was interminable last night, but thankfully there was no Tyus Edney or fifth-down or illegal ball kick to ruin our evening.  Now if MU can beat them UConn cheaters (UCon?) tomorrow and Kansas wins their two games this weekend, this sets up a game for the ages as the Border War would be waged in the Final Four.  MU and KU both won on their home courts against each other this season, and I’m dying to see who’d win on a neutral floor.

DAN SEALS, 1948-2009
Singer Dan Seals died of lymphoma on Wednesday at age 61.  Although he was from Texas, he was half of “England” Dan & John Ford Coley, who had a nice little run in the “Soft Rock” genre in the late ‘70s with hits like “I’d Really Love To See You Tonight”, "We'll Never Have To Say Goodbye Again" and “Love Is The Answer”.  Seals re-invented himself in the ‘80s as an all-out Country singer and was fairly successful there as well, and once duetted with Marie Osmond on 1983’s “Meet Me In Montana”.  He was also the brother of singer Jim Seals of Seals & Crofts—no slouches in the Soft Rock genre themselves—and even toured with Jim as recently as last year under the name Seals & Seals.

THE JESTER STOLE OUR THORNY CROWN?!?
Workers finally hoisted the new crown to the top of the scoreboard at Kauffman Stadium last week, then took it back down damn near as fast as they put it up.  Seems that the new one didn’t “glitter enough” to satisfy Royals officials, so it was shipped piece-by-piece to a place downtown where workers applied some sort of overlay cladding that will enhance the sparkle effect.  Sounds good to me, so long as they don’t splash a Crown Royal logo (get it?) across the front of it, which you know has crossed their money-grubbing minds at least once or twice.  They still hope to have the crown re-installed by opening day, April 10th.

THOSE KNUCKLEHEADS ARE BEGINNING TO SCUFFLE…
Hollywood is once again showing its usual lack of originality as word has it that the dreaded Ferrelly Bros. are wanting to make a new Three Stooges movie, featuring Sean Penn as Larry and Jim Carrey as Curly.  This is not a biopic, mind you (we already have one of those), but a new Three Stooges story, and I think it’s a horrid idea.  This is like trying to remake The Godfather or The Wizard Of Oz or re-create Woodstock or something—it just ain’t done!  You cannot possibly improve upon or capture the spirit of the original, so why even bother?  Youse Farrellys are treading on sacred ground here.  Why, I oughtta…

WHAT’S IN A NAME?
Did ya see where AIG is thinking about changing its corporate name to something else to downplay the stigma of their unholy fuck-ups?  Too bad Dewey, Cheatem & Howe is already spoken for by the above-mentioned famous trio…

YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE?
I’ve gotten a chuckle or two out of this week’s media hoop-de-doo over conservative radio host Laura Ingraham (Rush Limbaugh with a uterus, from what I gather) and her derogatory comments about John McCain’s daughter Meghan’s posterior and the size of it.  I’ve not seen Ms. McCain’s derriere myself, but that’s neither here nor there anyway—what I find fascinating is how these conservative jaw-jackers are starting to attack members of their own team now.  Oh by the way, if Ingraham has such a problem with overweight people, then Limbaugh ought to be a big target of her verbal bazooka…

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #12
In TV-and-Movie Land, people nearly always answer the phone on the first ring, do they not?  And the average response time in Hollywood to a ringing doorbell is 3.2 seconds, which far exceeds that of us normal humans.

BY THE HAIR OF OUR CHINNY CHIN-HO!
My latest foray into classic old-school TV is the venerable "Hawaii Five-O", which I started watching on DVD this month.  I remember watching the show as a kid, just for that wicked opening title sequence with the exciting theme music by The Ventures—not to mention the hula girl shaking her ass right there on the screen! H5O had an unprecedented 12-year run on CBS from 1968-80, the longest of any crime drama series in TV history.  I just finished the first season on DVD and amazingly enough, the stories (even with Gavin McLeod playing a drug dealer) hold up quite well some 40 years later, as does the video quality—some episodes almost look as if they were filmed last week instead of in 1969.  It's easy to forget that even with the idyllic island paradise they have in our 50th state that they have slums, seedy neighborhoods and riff-raff in Honolulu just like they do in Chicago or Philadelphia.

I'd forgotten what a hard-ass cop Steve McGarrett was, and from what I hear, it wasn't necessarily an act, as the late Jack Lord was quite the taskmaster on the set as well, which rankled a few cast members at times.  I always liked Danno, too—I remember pretending to be him in my make-believe crime-fighting world when I was five or six.  What's really cool is even though I watched shows like "5-O", "Mod Squad" and "Streets Of San Francisco", et al, when I was young, I don't remember too many specific episodes, so when I watch them on DVD now, they're like brand new shows to me in a way.  So, you can keep your "Cold Case", "24", "Without A Trace", "CSI-Dubuque" and whatever—I'll take McGarrett, Chin-Ho, Kono and Danno over all them any day.

BIBLEMAN ON SKID ROW?
(WARNING:  Religious commentary ahead—reader discretion advised for those who are easily offended by mean old agnostics like yours truly…)

In a story that reeks of Bonaduce Syndrome, it seems that actor Willie Aames held a big yard sale at his soon-to-be-foreclosed-on home in nearby Olathe, KS yesterday (with reality TV cameras rolling) to help ward off his creditors as he’s supposedly just one step away from living under a bridge.  Aames has hit hard times lately which have included bankruptcy, a marriage gone south and even a suicide attempt over the holidays last year.  Don’t mean to pick on someone who’s down here—so long as they refrain from attempting to make the most of their losing streak—and I get a little indignant when some marginal down-and-out has-been celebrity exposes his pathetic situation just to star on another lame reality TV show and/or make a buck.  Evidently there is a market for memorabilia from Brother Willie’s illustrious career (some people were buying his stuff, anyway) that ran the gamut from TV fare like “Eight Is Enough” and “Charles In Charge” to a brief stint as a guitarist in Rock band to cheesy teen sex farce movies like Zapped! and even cheesier phony low-budget born-again Christian TV palaver like “Bibleman”, which Aames produced right here in K.C. in the ‘90s in conjunction with a Communist Christian organization known as “Youth For Christ”.  The moral of the story here is that even renouncing your past and becoming a born-again pinhead is no guarantee that your life won’t still suck anyway…

Of course, this isn’t the first time we’ve heard about an “Eight Is Enough” Bradford sibling making unsavory headlines or running amok.  Adam Rich, who played young Nicholas, is notorious for his various run-ins with the law over drug busts and burglaries and such.  Actress Lani O’Grady (sister of Don Grady of “My Three Sons” fame), who played oldest daughter Mary, had a drug problem too, and died penniless while living in an Arizona trailer park in 2001.  Susan Richardson, who played (cleverly enough) Susan, also battled drugs, a nervous breakdown and once claimed that she was abducted by aliens.  She now works in a nursing home in Pennsylvania.  The other four Bradford sibling actors seemingly have vanished without a trace like Chuck Cunningham on “Happy Days”.

1982 - The Other Year of The Album, Part 2

And now the conclusion of my look back at the music of the nether year 1982...

DEBUTS
STEVIE NICKS—Bella Donna  Stevie’s first solo effort was highly-anticipated and she didn’t disappoint.  She scored big hits with “Edge Of Seventeen” and her duets with Tom Petty (“Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around”) and Don Henley (“Leather And Lace”).  Another good track was “After The Glitter Fades”.

SCANDAL—Scandal  Scandal came from New Yawk and hit fairly big in the early MTV era with “Goodbye To You” on their debut EP (that’s Extended Play, for youse youngins).  It also yielded another single that’s now largely forgotten, “Love’s Got A Line On You”.  They soon changed their name to Scandal featuring Patty Smyth and broke out with “The Warrior” in 1984.

DON HENLEY—Can’t Stand Still  Dangerous Don’s first non-Eagles release featured the classic “Dirty Laundry”, with its brutal smackdown on the phoniness of the TV news industry.  Fox News Channel didn’t even exist yet, Anderson Cooper and Sean Hannity were still in puberty, CNN was in its infancy, Katie Couric was running for prom queen and Bill O’Reilly was probably bussing tables when this song first came out and it’s even more prescient today than it was 27 years ago.  Another track called “Johnny Can’t Read” offered up more social commentary about illiteracy.

ROBERT PLANT—Pictures At Eleven  Another solo debut from a well-established singer, Plant was doing everything he could to distance himself from his Led Zep past (although why I’m not sure).  PAE had some interesting songs, but in typical Robert Plant cryptic fashion, he gave them strange titles that had nothing to do with the lyrics therein like “Pledge Pin” (drop and give him 20?!?), “Burning Down One Side” and “Worse Than Detroit”.

MISSING PERSONS—Spring Session M  One of the first songs I ever remember listening to on a Sony Walkman was Missing Persons’ “Words” and I was quite impressed with it.  I was also strangely drawn to this Dale Bozzio woman with her multi-colored hair and creative use of electrical tape in her stage costumes, particularly around the breast area.  Spring Session M—an anagram for Missing Persons—also featured “Destination Unknown” and the underrated “Walking In L.A.”, “Windows” and “Mental Hopscotch”, all of which reside on my iPod today.

A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS—A Flock Of Seagulls  This was the greatest Techno-Pop album ever made.  These guys were surprisingly good in concert, too, and although they sounded robotic as all get-out, I liked them anyway, for some reason.  Go past the big hits “I Ran” and “Space-Age Love Song” and there’s still lots of great stuff here, like “Telecommunication”, “Modern Love Is Automatic”, “You Can Run”, “Messages”, “Standing In The Doorway” and the instrumental “D.N.A.”.  Sadly, groups like AFOS and Missing Persons had very short shelf-lives, but it was fun while it lasted, anyway.

MOTLEY CRUE—Too Fast For Love  While far from being the Crue’s greatest recorded achievement, Too Fast was at least a good start.  It featured “Take Me To The Top” (not the Loverboy song of the same name), “Piece Of Your Action” and “Live Wire”, and laid the groundwork for the next album, Shout At The Devil, which was their best, IMO.

BREAKOUTS
STRAY CATS—Built For Speed  Contrary to popular belief, this was not the Cats’ first album, per se, as they had already released two over in England from which this album was pieced together.  It certainly threw a big curve ball to the music scene that was almost overwrought by New Wave and Techno music by kicking it old-school. “Rock This Town” and “Stray Cat Strut” were great, but “Rumble In Brighton”, “Double Talkin’ Baby” and “Runaway Boys” were even better.

SCORPIONS—Blackout  The Scorps had been around quite a while too, and 1980’s “The Zoo” was a major step forward for them.  Blackout finally put them on the map for keeps with the big hit radio hit “No One Like You”.  The rest of the album didn’t suck either, with scorchers like the title track, “Dynamite” and “Can’t Live Without You”.  These crazy Germans were still on the rise, too…

IRON MAIDEN—The Number Of The Beast  And here was another heavy metal band on the rise.  Bruce Dickinson’s Daltrey-like scream at the beginning of the title track ushered in the new Iron Maiden era, and they finally found the singer they were looking for to replace the one-dimensional Paul d’Anno.  Their fortunes improved exponentially on Beast, which featured the classic “Run To The Hills” and several others.

ADAM ANT—Friend Or Foe  I was highly-resistant to the whole New Wave thing in the early ‘80s and avoided acts like Duran Duran and Culture Club like the Plague, but resistance was futile when I heard Adam Ant’s “Goody Two Shoes” on the radio.  On a whim, I bought Friend Or Foe and it wound up being one of my surprise favorites that year.  I loved the freight train-like rhythm of “Goody Two Shoes”, and it also popped up in the title track and a couple other songs.  “Place In The Country”, “Desperate But Not Serious” and “Crackpot History” were standouts too.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITES FROM '82
RUSH—Signals  Rush was on a roll in the early ‘80s, and Signals is one of my all-time favorite Rush albums, the cassette copy of which I practically wore out driving to and from classes as a Freshman at UMKC, and I really began to embrace thinking-man’s Rock.  I instantly took a liking to “Subdivisions”—especially Geddy Lee’s trippy synthesizer solo therein.  You can also find some very underrated stuff here, like “The Analog Kid”, “Digital Man” and “Countdown”, the latter of which features actual radio transmissions from the early Space Shuttle launches that Rush was very privileged to be able to use—NASA doesn’t loan those out to just anyone.  Rush even cracked the Top 40 for the first and only time with “New World Man”.

OZZY OSBOURNE—Diary Of A Madman  According to legend, Diary was recorded during the same sessions as Blizzard Of Ozz, and the quality was certainly consistent with, if not even a little better than, its predecessor.  I resisted Ozzy initially because of the whole canary-biting thing, but was irrevocably hooked by Randy Rhoads’ chugga-chugga-chugga intro to “Over The Mountain”.  “Flying High Again” is a classic, of course, while “Little Dolls” and “Tonight” were great under-the-radar tracks, and Rhoads showed off his acoustic side on the anthemic “You Can’t Kill Rock ‘N’ Roll”.  Again, I have to say, what might have been, with young Master Rhoads.  Rest in peace, Randy—you rocked!

OZZY OSBOURNE—Speak Of The Devil  Ozzy owed Epic Records a live concert album, but balked at doing one covering his current solo work because (to his credit) he didn’t want to appear to be capitalizing on the tragic death of Randy Rhoads just six months earlier.  He waited until a more appropriate time and released Tribute in 1987, featuring Rhoads’ live work, circa. 1981.  In the meantime, His Royal Ozz-ness (or someone) came up with the ingenious idea of doing a live album comprised of nothing but Black Sabbath tunes, some of which he hadn’t performed in several years.  Devil was amazingly good considering how Ozzy’s band—drummer Tommy Aldridge, erstwhile Quiet Riot bassist Rudy Sarzo and guitarist Brad Gillis, who was on loan from Night Ranger—had to learn most of the material (almost literally) overnight for the two concerts this album was culled from.  They’d already been playing “Paranoid”, “Children Of The Grave” and “Iron Man” as part of Ozzy’s regular live act, but tunes like “Symptom Of The Universe”, “Never Say Die”, “Sweet Leaf”, “Fairies Wear Boots” and “The Wizard” were all new material for the band, and these guys were obviously quick-studies, because the result was phenomenal.  In the process, Ozzy killed two birds (canaries?) with one stone—he fulfilled his obligation to Epic and aced out his former band in the 1982 live album department by light years.

JEFFERSON STARSHIP—Winds Of Change  Guitarist Paul Kantner pissed and moaned on VH-1’s “Behind The Music” that the band had sold out during this period and that they were putting out crap.  Well, Bud, it was YOUR band and you were a co-founder of it, so why didn’t you do something about it?  Whiny bitch.  Anyway, I thought Winds Of Change was a dandy record, and Grace Slick being back full-time made it even better.  She sounded great on cuts like “Can’t Find Love”, the title track and the frenetic “Out Of Control”, Mickey Thomas was a standout on “Keep On Dreamin’”, and I really liked Craig Chaquico’s guitar work throughout.  This turned out to be the last really good record J. Starship ever made, as 1984’s Nuclear Furniture sputtered and then things went from bad (the insipid “We Built This City” schlock in ’85) to worse (the putrid “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” in ’87).  I still can’t believe Bernie Taupin co-wrote "We Built This City", either...

ASIA—Asia  The critics ripped this album as "corporate Rock at its worst", but since when do I ever listen to critics anyway?  True, "supergroups" like this comprised of major playas from other bands usually wind up producing roach droppings, but I thought this was a killer album.  Ex-Buggle keyboardist Geoff Downes, ex-Yes guitar man Steve Howe (not the baseball pitcher), ex-King Crimson bassist/singer John Wetton and ex-ELP drummer Carl Palmer put together a fine slab of vinyl on which nearly every track was outstanding, with the big radio hits "Heat Of The Moment" and "Only Time Will Tell" and "Your Wildest Dreams".  Even better were "Here Comes The Feeling" and my personal favorite, "Time Again", on which the band members individually flexed their musical muscles.

JUDAS PRIEST—Screaming For Vengeance  The Beast that is The Priest is another act I was reluctant to embrace at first, mostly because of their poor performance opening for Kiss in ’79, but to be fair, that was before “Breaking The Law” and “Living After Midnight” came out.  Priest put on a much better show on an MTV concert I saw in late, ‘82/early ’83 and it convinced me to buy Vengeance and I was quite impressed.  “You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’” is great, but it’s not even the best song on the record, IMO. “Bloodstone”, “Ridin’ On The Wind” and the opening segue “The Hellion/Electric Eye” are even better.  Definitely one of the better Heavy Metal albums of the early ‘80s.

DAVE EDMUNDS—D.E. 7th  This outstanding record made the summer of ’82 a lot more enjoyable as I played it to death on my car stereo.  From the Springsteen-penned lead-off track “From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come)” to the closing Chuck Berry cover, “Dear Dad”, Dave had it clicking on all cylinders.  He threw in a little of everything on this record: a little Cajun (“Bail You Out”), a little Bluegrass (“Warmed Over Kisses”), a little Country (“Louisiana Man”), a little Cowboy (“Deep In The Heart Of Texas”) and some good ol’ Rock ‘N’ Roll (“Generation Rumble”, “Other Guys’ Girls”, and a nifty cover of NRBQ’s “Me And The Boys”).  The Boss wrote “From Small Things” specifically for Edmunds, and it’s a funny tale about wedded-bliss gone south, while “Dear Dad” is one of the funniest Chuck Berry songs ever, and Dave’s version blows the original away.  I highly recommend this album if you’re looking to “kick it old school”.

BEST OF THE REST
PAT BENATAR—Get Nervous  PB continued her successful early ‘80s run with another very consistent record, which featured the hits “Shadows Of The Night”, “Lookin’ For A Stranger” and “Little Too Late”. “Anxiety (Get Nervous)” and “The Victim” were my personal favorites, and the straight-jacket/rubber room motif on the cover was a cool added touch.  Unfortunately, the rest of Pat’s career would be very hit-and-miss from this point onward…

PHIL COLLINS—Hello, I Must Be Going!  I liked PC’s second solo album even better than his first one, Face Value with "In The Air Tonight".  “I Don’t Care Anymore” and Phil’s Motown cover of “You Can’t Hurry Love” were all over the radio, but there were a couple other gems on here like “It Don’t Matter To Me”, “Like China” and “Do You Know, Do You Care?”.  Commercial as all get-out, to be sure, but still not a bad Pop/Rock album.

.38 SPECIAL—Special Forces  One of the better albums these guys ever made, featuring the radio hit “Caught Up In You”. Best song was the now somewhat-forgotten “Chain Lightning”, and it also contained "Rough-Housin'" and "You Keep Runnin' Away".

GEORGE THOROGOOD—Bad To The Bone  Lonesome George and the Delaware Destroyers broke through with his trademark song on this album, which also featured a dandy cover of the Human Beinz’ “Nobody But Me”, which is quite possibly the most negative song ever written, thanks to all its inherent “no, no’s”.  BTTB also featured a cool original called “Back To Wentzville”, which was inspired by some shenanigans that went on in the west suburbs of St. Louis.

BILLY JOEL—The Nylon Curtain  While not quite as good as its predecessor Glass Houses, Nylon Curtain had its moments like “Goodnight Saigon” and the big radio hits “Pressure” and “Allentown“.  Mr. Piano Man also did his best John Lennon impression on the track called "Laura".

NICK LOWE—Nick The Knife  Not the greatest album His Royal Lowe-ness ever made, but it contained two tracks that I loved, the silly “Ba-Doom” and one of the better “up yours” kiss-off songs of all-time, “Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine”.

JOAN JETT & THE BLACKHEARTS—I Love Rock ‘N’ Roll  I never did much care for the title track here—it plods along too slowly and it features the worst guitar solo this side of Spinal Tap.  But, I really liked Joan’s cover of Tommy James’ “Crimson And Clover” and there was also a song on the album called “Nag” that was a bit of a stitch.

MOTORHEAD—Iron Fist  The final Motorhead album with Fast Eddie Clarke on guitar, and they still packed a wallop on the title track, which bore more than slight resemblance to their signature tune, “Ace of Spades”.  Great lyrics from Uncle Lemmy on “(Don’t Need) Religion”, “Go To Hell”, “Sex And Outrage” and “I’m The Doctor”.

SAMMY HAGAR—Three Lock Box  Sammy was still crankin’ out some great tunes here, including the title track and “Baby’s On Fire”, “Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy”, “Remember The Heroes” and “I Don’t Need Love”.

THE WHO—It’s Hard  While it was hardly another Who’s Next or Who Are You, It’s Hard was a major improvement over the flaccid Face Dances from ’81.  As was the case with Dances, John Entwistle’s contributions (“It’s Your Turn”, “Dangerous” and “One At A Time”) were better than Pete Townshend’s, but this time PT put forth a little more effort which resulted in two classics, “Eminence Front” and “Cry If You Want”.  The title track and “Cook’s County” weren’t bad either.  Still, it wasn’t quite the way one would like to have seen this mighty band go out as a recording unit…

Just another Wednesday

HE’S BAD, HE’S NATIONWIDE
I was shocked that ESPN actually interrupted all their incessant Bracket-ology folderol and obsessing over Manny Ramirez on "SportsCenter" to recognize that a major sports record was broken last night.  Congrats to New Jersey Devils goaltender Martin Brodeur for breaking the all-time NHL record for career victories (552), surpassing Patrick Roy with a 3-2 win over Chicago.  This guy doesn’t get near enough recognition (even though he plays in the New York area) for what he does—he’s as dependable as the day is long in goal, he doesn’t whine and complain about anything, he doesn’t do steroids or get DUIs or beat on his wife or shit like that, he’s won three Stanley Cups (and is working on a fourth one now), and has played his entire career with the same team, no less.  He’s only four shutouts away from breaking the late Terry Sawchuk’s all-time record, too, and what’s even scarier is Brodeur still has plenty of gas left in the tank, thus (barring injury), he might well win 700 games before he’s done.

UTTER MADNESS
Here’s my fearless Final Four prognostication:  Louisville, Memphis, Pittsburgh and Arizona St., with Memphis winning the whole shooting match.  There’s really no clear-cut dominant team in the field this year, and since Memphis came so close last year against Kansas, I have a good feeling about them this time.  I envision quite a few upsets in the first couple rounds this year (watch out for Cleveland State, Stephen F. Austin and Western Kentucky!), and I have Kansas falling to Boston College in round three because KU just can’t handle schools that start with ‘B’ (Bucknell, Bradley, Baylor, etc.).  My Mizzou Tigers will also fall in the third round to the other Tigers of Memphis.  Then again, for about the fifth straight year, I incorrectly predicted the winner of the "play-in" game (thanks a lot, Morehead State!), so take my picks with a grain of salt.  Hey, at least I’m consistent…

And won’t it be simply grand to not have to listen to Billy Packer calling the games on CBS this year?  Between that and Dickey-Dick-Brain Vitale being relegated to NIT duty on ESPN, it’s gonna be awesome, bay-bee!

GAME, SET AND MATCH, MR. STEWART
I absolutely loved watching CNBC’s financial "expert" Jim Cramer squeal like an eel and squirm like a worm (as Louie DePalma would say) on Jon Stewart’s "Daily Show" last week on Comedy Central.  Stewart made Cramer look like some miscreant school kid sitting in the principal’s office as he reamed Jimbo like Roto-Rooter for all the crackpot B.S. he’s been dishing out during the recession (and even prior to it).  A gold star to Mr. Stewart for putting this doofus in his place—you have done well, young grasshopper.  Here’s the whole unedited video, in case you missed it.  Then again, anyone ignorant enough to listen to this Cramer boob is every bit as culpable as he is for losing their hard-earned money.  His "Mad Money" show looks like something MTV would produce anyway—I’d sooner seek financial advice from one of the Teletubbies…

THE FIRST DOMINO TO FALL…
Sad to hear that the Seattle Post-Intelligencer has ceased being a print newspaper and is now totally an on-line going concern as of yesterday.  This will surely be the first of many such conversions by major papers in the U.S., as advertising revenues plummet and the Internet becomes more pervasive as a news source.  I have mixed feelings about it all myself, because I still subscribe to the K.C. Star and enjoy reading it front-to-back every day at work, but I do tend to get more and more of my news off the Internet as time goes by.  Local TV news is a joke anymore and radio is turning into a dinosaur as well, so the paper is certainly a better resource for local news, and I hate to see it go away altogether.

MATH FOR AGNOSTICS
My man Leonard Pitts, Jr. is on a roll these days, and he wrote yet another fine column this week about a new survey that showed how fewer and fewer people are religious these days.  Although Pitts himself is indeed a church-goer, he did a more brilliant job than I ever could have of summing up why I’m not one with the following:

"And people of faith should ask themselves:  What is the cumulative effect upon outside observers of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker living like lords on the largesse of the poor, multiplied by Jimmy Swaggart’s pornography addiction [not to mention his taste for $10 whores!—BH], plus Eric Rudolph bombing Olympians and gay people in the name of God, plus Muslims hijacking airplanes in the name of God, multiplied by the church that kicked out some members because they voted Democrat, divided by people caterwauling on courthouse steps as a rock bearing the Ten Commandments was removed, multiplied by the square root of Catholic priests preying on little boys while the church looked on and did nothing, multiplied by Muslims rioting over cartoons, plus the continuing demonization of gay men and lesbians, divided by all those "traditional values" coalitions and "family values" councils that try to bully public schools into becoming worship houses, with morning prayers and science lessons from the book of Genesis?  Then subtract selflessness, service, sacrifice, holiness and hope."

He went on to say, "Who can be surprised if the sheer absurdity, fundamentalist cruelty and ungodly hypocrisy that have characterized so much "religion" in the last 30 years have driven people away?"

All I gotta say to all that is, "Amen, brother!"

LENNY THE COOL?
Local station KMBC Channel 9 made a big whoop the other night about sportscaster Len Dawson cutting back on his duties now that he’s in his ‘70s.  Leonard isn’t retiring, per se, but will no longer anchor the nightly sportscasts as he’s done since he was a player back in the ‘60s, and will remain at the station to cover and analyze the Chiefs and NFL during the Fall.  All of this was accompanied by a 5-minute retrospective of Len’s broadcasting career—oy!  Don’t get me wrong—I loved Lenny to death as a player during the Chiefs’ glory years, and I think he does a fine job as color analyst on Chiefs radio broadcasts and he wasn’t bad on HBO’s "Inside The NFL".  He’s a class act, no doubt, but I won’t miss all the mispronounced player names, pregnant pauses and mangled sports copy that rendered Dawson to be the Les Nessman of local sports anchors.  There isn’t a Tele-Prompt-Er on earth with big enough letters for him to read clearly!  Dawson knows football inside and out, but his knowledge of baseball and basketball is iffy at best, and hockey, NASCAR and soccer might as well be nuclear physics to him because he doesn’t have a clue about them.

1982--The Other Year of the Album, Part 1

I enjoyed reliving the great year in music that was 1981 so much, that I decided to do a similar review of the following year, 1982, which I remember well because it was the year I graduated high school and started college and it was another pretty good one for album releases.  This was also the year I made the jump from 8-track to cassette player in my car, which naturally offered me more versatility in my listening choices, plus options that 8-tracks didn’t have: namely fast-forward and rewind!  Some of those albums on cassette were instrumental in getting me through that first semester in college at UMKC as I drove to and from class.

Slightly different format this time, as I’ve grouped the albums in different categories according to their overall impact and status in the careers of the artists.  This chapter will cover the comebacks, disappointments and clunkers, while Part II will feature the debuts, breakouts and the better overall albums of ’82.  Enjoy the ride…

THE COMEBACKS
TED NUGENT—Nugent  It looked for a while like the Nuge might actually survive his near-fatal career mistake from the year before—the disastrous Intensities In 10 Cities fiasco—with Nugent, his first album on his new label, Atlantic Records.  He at least partially atoned for the substandard quality of Intensities with some decent songs and the return of longtime singer and rhythm guitarist Derek St. Holmes.  Journeyman drummer Carmine Appice also joined Nugent’s band and sounded pretty good on tracks like "Good And Ready", "Fightin’ Words" and the album’s centerpiece, "Bound And Gagged", Nugent’s response to the 1980-81 Iran hostage crisis.  That song sounded great back then, but Nugent’s pseudo-patriotic chest-thumping and right-wing ranting rings very hollow and shallow today.  Anyway, while Nugent was hardly Cat Scratch Fever or even Free-For-All, it was definitely a step in the right direction for Ted. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t make another decent album again until 1995, when Derek St. Holmes returned to the band once again.  You’d think Nugent would catch on sooner or later and keep this guy around longer…

ELTON JOHN—Jump Up  EJ's gradual comeback from his late ‘70s musical purgatory commenced with 1981’s semi-decent The Fox album and continued here.  Not-so-coincidentally, the quality of his music improved exponentially as he reunited here with longtime lyricist Bernie Taupin, as well as his backing band from his ‘70s heyday, Nigel Olsson, Davey Johnstone and the late Dee Murray.  While not really chuck-full of major hits, there was good stuff to be had on Jump Up, namely "Dear John", "Where Have All The Good Times Gone?" (not the Kinks song of the same name that Van Halen covered in ‘82), "Blue Eyes" and "Ball And Chain", which featured a guest appearance by The Who’s Pete Townshend.  The best track, by far, was "Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny)", which is easily the best of the John Lennon tribute songs that flooded the market in the early ‘80s.  EJ and the boys also hit the road during the summer and played what turned out to be the greatest concert I’ve ever attended.  To paraphrase a tagline from a movie that was very popular at that time, "He’s baaaaaack!"

PAUL McCARTNEY—Tug Of War  Big Macca also came out with his best album in years in 1982 with Tug Of War, and it too featured a John Lennon tribute, the long-anticipated "Here Today".  While not nearly as poignant as Elton’s "Empty Garden", it was certainly a far superior response to JL’s death than "It’s a drag, innit?"  TOW also had some fun tracks like "Take It Away", "Ballroom Dancing" and "Get It", a duet with the late Carl Perkins.  I had to take points off, however, for the insipid duet with Stevie Wonder, "Ebony And Ivory". Another popular phrase from that time sums up my feelings on it:  "Gag me with a spoon!"

KISS—Creatures Of The Night  Ahhhh, finally the Kiss we all knew and loved was back!  Well, not quite the Kiss we all knew and loved, but a reasonable facsimile, anyway.  Ace Frehley and Peter Criss were gone (although Ace’s mug graced the original COTN album jacket anyway), and Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley decided to quit trying to please the critics and/or cater to Top 40 audiences and got back to the down-and-dirty heavy metal sound they were originally known for.  Although he sounded a bit too military-marchy in places, late drummer Eric Carr stood out on Creatures, and it’s anyone’s guess who played lead guitar on this record (Bob Kulick, Vinnie Vincent, the Man from Glad, who knows?), but this was easily the most consistent Kiss album since the Bicentennial.  "War Machine", "Killer" and the title track were my personal favorites, and Stanley’s almost-mournful "I Still Love You" surprisingly became a Kiss concert staple in the ‘80s.

STEVE MILLER BAND—Abracadabra  We were only four years or so removed from the Space Cowboy’s Fly Like An Eagle/Book of Dreams heyday, but the Gangster of Love slipped badly and put out a flop of an album in ’81, the one containing "Heart Like A Wheel" on which Steve was nearly yodeling.  Good ol’ Maurice rebounded nicely with this little hunk of magic, and the title track hit #1 in the summer of ’82.  The follow-up single, "Keeps Me Wondering Why", wasn’t too shabby either.  Haven’t heard much from the Pompatus of Love since, though…

CHICAGO—Chicago 16  Chicago is another act that was just a few years past their '70s halcyon days, but following the tragic 1978 death of guitarist Terry Kath, they lost their way a bit.  They found it again in the summer of ’82 with big hits "Hard To Say I’m Sorry/Get Away" and "Love Me Tomorrow".  Their next album in ’84 would be even better…

THE DISAPPOINTMENTS
SUPERTRAMP—Famous Last Words…  Well, not really their last words, but FLW was indeed their final album with singer/keyboardist Roger Hodgson.  As was the case with AC/DC in the wake of the monster that was Back In Black, Supertramp had the no-win chore of topping their magnum opus, 1979’s Breakfast In America, so most anything they came out with would’ve been disappointing in comparison.  The opening track, "Crazy" (not the Patsy Cline number) wasn’t bad and the hit single "It’s Raining Again" was just okay, but it was the album’s closer that was easily the best song, Hodgson’s melodramatic plea, "Don’t Leave Me Now".  The rest of the band members should’ve serenaded him with it, because one can easily see what RH brought to the Supertramp table by listening to their post-Hodgson output in the ‘80s, which was pretty flaccid.

R.E.O. SPEEDWAGON—Good Trouble  Same scenario as Supertramp above, trying to follow up a killer album.  Trouble wasn’t a bad record, really, but it was no match for its predecessor HI inFIdelity, and accordingly, didn’t sell nearly as well.  "Keep The Fire Burnin’" was the only hit single from it, but "Stillness Of The Night" was a good song, and I really liked the album’s closing title track.  Like Famous Last Words…, AC/DC’s For Those About To Rock, and Elton John’s Caribou before it, Good Trouble was destined to disappoint, irregardless of its true merits.

APRIL WINE—Power Play  As I stated in my recap of AW’s Nature Of The Beast, it appears they shot their creative wad on that album, because this was a really bland follow-up to it.  The single "Enough Is Enough" wasn’t all that bad, but the rest was just plain plain.  The only other thing that came close to a standout track was the contrively-titled "If You See Kay", and they also included a remake of The Beatles’ "Tell Me Why", which they slowed to a crawl.  Please tell me why they did that, will ya?

VAN HALEN—Diver Down  Yes, this one sold pretty well and did have a couple really good tracks on it, but it should’ve been so much better!  With no less than four cover songs (five, if you count the silly one-minute a capella closer "Happy Trails"), three short instrumentals and a running time of 31-and-a-half minutes, Diver Down came across as a rather half-assed effort.  Of the original songs here, "Hang ‘Em High", "Little Guitars" and "The Full Bug" were quite tasty, and of all the cover songs, "Pretty Woman" was a killer, but the rest were so-so, at best.  Eddie, Michael and Alex didn’t even want "Dancing In The Street" on the album, but Diamond Dave got his way, and it wound up being a big radio hit.  Successful, yes, but Diver Down was a big letdown for me coming on the heels of the outstanding Fair Warning.  The next one, 1984, wasn’t much better, either…

PETE TOWNSHEND—All The Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes  Given the stellar quality of 1980’s Empty Glass, I expected big things from Chairman Townshend on Chinese Eyes, but was left a bit wanting.  To his credit, Pete got clean and sober during this time, but his music was almost as unfocused as the increasingly bad haircuts he was sporting then.  This is not to say that Chinese Eyes sucked altogether—it did have some standout songs like "Stop Hurting People" (the horns on which sounded like they were lifted from a Barry White record), the rapid-fire "Communication" and "The Sea Refuses No River".  The closing track, "Slit Skirts" is one of my favorite Pete songs ever, with lines like "No one respects the flame quite like the fool who’s badly burned", "Have to be so drunk to try a new dance", and "Can’t pretend that growing older never hurts".  In retrospect, even "Face Dances (Part 2)" was a lot better than the Who album it was named after, and Chinese Eyes does sound better to me now than it did in 1982, but it still feels like Townshend was underachieving here.

THE GO-GO’S—Vacation  By all accounts, this album was a rush-job, as the Go-Go’s pulled out of a tour opening for The Police to re-enter the studio to cash in on the unexpected success of their first album, Beauty And The Beat.  Not much good new material here, except for the title track, and much of the album was made up of songs that were already staples of their live act like "Beatnik Beach", "He’s So Strange" and their cover version of the Capitols’ "Cool Jerk".  Classic case of too much, too soon, unfortunately.

BILLY SQUIER—Emotions In Motion  Another victim of high expectations, although EIM out-sold its predecessor, the far-superior Don’t Say No.  "Everybody Wants You" is an Album Rock standard, the title track was pretty good, and I loved "Keep Me Satisfied", but the rest of this one left me really flat.  Sad to say that things would only get worse for young master Squier next time out—"out" being the operative word…

CHEAP TRICK—One On One  After breaking out in a major way in 1978-79 with Heaven Tonight, At Budokan and Dream Police, Cheap Trick stumbled into the early ‘80s and had trouble rediscovering their winning formula.  Bassist Tom Petersson got bored and left the band and was replaced by Jon Brant, but CT needed a more potent jump-start than he could provide.  One On One yielded the bland minor hit "If You Want My Love (You Got It)" and one killer track, the classic "She’s Tight", but the remainder was rather forgettable.

THE CLUNKERS
QUEEN—Hot Space  Talk about your letdowns!  Queen had the world by the balls in 1980 with what I thought was their best album ever, The Game, and while it would’ve been difficult to top that one, they didn’t even bother to try!  Instead, they added horns to several tracks and put out a bunch of pseudo-R&B stuff that just left the fans scratching their heads.  True, Hot Space contained "Under Pressure" with David Bowie, but it had already been a hit single long before the album came out, and the only other acceptable track was "Life Is Real (Song For Lennon)", which I’d rank second behind Elton’s "Empty Garden" for best Lennon tribute song.  It would be a while before Queen regained their core audience.

HEART—Private Audition  Even Ann and Nancy Wilson themselves rate this one a clunker.  The lead-off track, "City’s Burning", wasn’t bad, and I remember a song called "The Situation" that was okay, but the rest of it pretty much sucked.  The band was in disarray by that time, and the rhythm section of Steve Fossen and Mike Derosier would soon be jettisoned in favor of ex-Spirit/Firefall bassist Mark Andes and ex-Montrose drummer Denny Carmassi, setting the stage for Heart’s successful mid-‘80s comeback.

BLACK SABBATH—Live Evil  Whatever good karma Ronnie James Dio and Black Sabbath had during the Heaven And Hell era had long evaporated in the wake of the disastrous Mob Rules album and accompanying 1981 concert tour, which resulted in this putrid "live" album.  I put live in quotation marks because this album sounded highly touched-up to me, and according to the good Dr. Sardonicus, Dio did indeed tinker with some of his vocals for it.  Plus, Dio doing Ozzy’s old songs like "Paranoid" and "Children of The Grave" bordered on sacrilege.  Live Vile might’ve been a more suitable title, here, and Ozzy had the last laugh with his own 1982 double-live Sabbath opus, Speak Of The Devil, which I will profile in Part 2.

"Your captain's at the helm...

…sail across the sea of lights"

LEONARD PITTS FOR PRESIDENT!
If Barack Obama turns out to be a bust as our Prez (and I don’t believe he will), I have the ideal replacement in mind for 2012:  columnist Leonard Pitts, Jr.  I’ve praised him many times on this blog already because this guy is so right-on about most subjects, and it’s refreshing in this day and age to see a columnist/pundit who uses his head for something besides a hat rack, and who also doesn’t seem to be pursuing any kind of personal political agenda. LP authored yet another brilliant column this week and did a mighty fine job of cutting the Rush Limbaugh cheese in the process.  A sample paragraph:  "To judge from the eagerness with which they [Republicans] prostrate themselves before Limbaugh, the answer is troublingly simple:  They fear losing the votes they have.  They are unable to disenthrall themselves from that culturally intolerant, intellectually incoherent, perpetually outraged and willfully ignorant cohort of the American demographic they call their base, i.e., extreme social conservatives."  Damn, I wish I’d written that!  Here’s the entire column.

While we’re on the subject, a letter-to-the-editor writer in today’s K.C. Star, one Bud Simpson, had this to say:  "Let me get this straight.  The Republican Party, the party that has sold itself for years as the only one that can keep us safe from foreign interests, terrorists and economic meltdown, is now the party that doesn’t have the guts to stand up to a radio personality?  That’s just pathetic."  Well said, Bud. Heeeee shoots and scores!

GOT MILK?
Sorry, couldn’t resist the pun.  I was quite impressed with Sean Penn’s Oscar-winning performance in Milk—it’s everything the critics said it was, and you truly do lose track of Sean Penn and just see Harvey Milk throughout.  I had to keep reminding myself this guy was once best known as Jeff "Hey, bud—let’s party!" Spicoli from Fast Times At Ridgemont High!  Even though I knew Penn was playing a flamboyant, openly-gay man, I was still a bit startled when he hauled off and kissed another guy right smack on the lips.  In doing so, he sure showed some stones as an actor—I think if it were me, I would’ve insisted on a stunt double woman made-up to be the guy before I did any kissing that intense!  Josh Brolin—fresh off his role as Dubya in W—also turned in another pretty good performance here as unstable bad guy City Supervisor Dan White.  How this creep (White) got off with only manslaughter convictions after murdering two city officials (including the mayor) by way of blaming his actions on a chemical imbalance (the "Twinkie defense") is truly absurd.  Maybe I should go out and commit a major felony and use the ol’ "T-bone steak defense".

After having seen the movie—much of which was filmed on location in San Francisco—I regret not making it over to the city hall when I was out there last summer.  It would’ve been neat to see where so much of the drama took place.  Even though I’m not homosexual, I am sympathetic to their cause because of the way the religious right constantly shits on them, and I’ve always found Harvey Milk to be a rather fascinating figure.  If nothing else, the guy sure had balls to challenge the status quo and rankle the establishment, thus giving a voice to millions of disenfranchised people.  I loved how he took on phonies like Anita Bryant and right-wing so-called religious and political "leaders" head-on without blinking.  Btw, the documentary film The Times of Harvey Milk is quite good as well, if you’re wanting to learn more about the man.

I’ve never gotten all the hatred and hostility the religious right heaps on gay people, especially their raging paranoia about how gays are "destroying the American family".  How?  Why?  Just because they aren’t able (or don’t want) to have children?  So what?  Hell, I’m straight, and I can guaran-freakin’-tee that y’all ain’t getting any kids out of me, so what difference does it make who’s procreating and who isn’t?  As for gay people adopting, I’d much rather see a child being raised by two gay parents who actually give a shit about him or her, as opposed to two neglectful and/or abusive heterosexual parents, wouldn’t you?  Just relax, religious right folks—there are still plenty of straight people out there being fruitful (oops!) and multiplying, so there will be more than enough unwanted babies to go around.  And then there’s all that ignorant clap-trap about "them homo-sek-shuls are out to recruit your kids" or that watching a gay movie will "turn you gay".  It truly embarrasses me to be a member of the same species as the mongoloids who think that way.  Sorry, folks, but watching a movie about Harvey Milk doesn’t make me any less heterosexual or any less of a man—it just makes me more aware of a wider reality.

This is not to say that I embrace everything about gay culture or condone everything gays do or stand for.  I can do without the man-hating lesbians (and man-hating straight women, for that matter) as well as flamers like those you see on all these shallow-as-shit reality shows about fashion and gay guys who are so prissy that they’re afraid to get their hands dirty and do some honest-to-goodness hard work once in a while, like some former co-workers I’ve dealt with.  That ACT-UP bunch is another group I can do without.  And this is also not to say that I’m above describing something as "faggy" or making fun of famous gay people now and then (George Michael—TEN HUT!).  Still, having said all that, geez Louise, can’t we all just live and let live?  I seem to remember there’s something in the Bible about that, but I guess all the homophobic bigots out there just conveniently forget that part…

Sorry to turn a movie review into a rant, but I needed to take that garbage out of my system.  Anyway, I give the film Milk about an 8.5 (out of 10).  I think maybe I’ll mail a DVD copy to Rev. Fred Phelps in Topeka—I’m sure he’ll love it…

DUCK DELUXE
In what may well be the most bizarre double-feature ever executed, before I watched Milk the other night, I revisited that 1986 colossal bomb of a movie, Howard The Duck, which also debuted on DVD Tuesday.  Yes, I know, it was a stupid movie for the most part, but it did have its moments.  Actually, the first hour or so wasn’t all that bad—it was the whole "overlord of the universe" bit with Jeffrey Owens (the vice-principal guy from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) that killed it for me.  That, and the duck himself, who wasn’t terribly likeable.  Howard The Duck had a cult following in comic book circles prior to the movie, but like Garfield and Scooby-Doo, he simply didn’t transfer well to the silver screen.

However, HTD did have something that I liked when I first saw it.  Hmmm, let’s see, what the heck was it?  Gimme a minute, okay?  Oh wait, now I remember what initially drew me to it…

Ah yes, the lovely Lea Thompson was a real hottie in this one (to this horny 22-year-old in 1986, anyway) and she turned in the only decent performance in this disasterpiece.  To her credit, she doesn’t try to act like Howard never happened, and gladly participated in the DVD’s special features, unlike Tim "Shawshank" Robbins, who was nowhere to be found.  I was surprised to learn that Lea actually did her own vocals in the film (she played a singer), and wasn’t too shabby at it—quite serviceable, anyway, for the ‘80s.  LT still looks very attractive today, too—nice to see she’s taken care of herself and hasn’t become another Hollywood casualty.

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #10
Ain’t it amazing how apartment and/or office building rooftops in the movies and on TV are so neat and tidy?  Oftentimes these roofs are totally devoid of all that silly tar and gravel—let alone pigeon poop and trash—that one would normally find there.  A glaring example of this is the "Frasier" episode where Frasier and Martin arrange it so Daphne and Niles can have a secluded romantic dinner for two on the roof of Elliott Bay Tower, and the surface of that roof was almost clean enough to eat off of!  Also amazing is the incredibly easy access TV and movie characters have to these roofs without setting off any sort of security alarms.

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ 11
Speaking of double-features, here’s another cliché that I find particularly asinine:  pretending to be Jewish (or any other religious denomination) just to impress a potential mate you’re attracted to.  This plotline also happened on "Frasier", as well as "Caroline In The City" and no doubt countless other TV shows.  This should be pretty self-evident, but I’ll say it anyway—if you feel you have to change who you are to impress someone, they ain’t freakin’ worth it, anyway…

KLINGONS ON THE STARBOARD BOW, STARBOARD BOW!
I was surprised to discover this week that the first woman I ever lusted after in my life—the lovely Yvonne Craig, who played Batgirl on TV’s "Batman"—also played the green chick that Kirk tried to get it on with on "Star Trek".  Like Eddie Murphy once said, "You gotta be pretty hard-up to do it with a green bitch."

In a related issue, it took me years to finally notice that actor John Larroquette was one of the Klingons in Star Trek III—The Search For Spock in a pre-"Night Court"/Dan Fielding role.  He was the one who uttered, "I do not deserve to live," to which Kirk replied, "Then I’ll kill you later."

While I’m at it, wouldn’t Rob Zombie make a dandy Klingon?

"WHAT THEY NEED'S A DAMN GOOD WHACKING!"
And it sounds like the folks at CNBC, especially raving lunatic financial guru Jim Cramer, got one on Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" that was taped today.  It airs in about an hour, and I look very much forward to seeing these schlubs taken to task for all their crappy financial advice...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #110
"Kicks"—PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS (1966)  "Before you find out it’s too late, girl, you better get straight."  Or to my three-year-old ears when I first heard it, "…girl, you better get stretched."

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
This would've been a really bad celebrity product endorsement:  "Hello, Vincent Van Gogh here for Miracle Ear…"

FROM THE "SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE" DEPT.:
This recession has produced a new cottage industry you might have noticed lately—these "Cash For Gold" TV ads, or "Dinero Por Oro" for youse Univision viewers.  You gotta be a real piece of spackle to send off your valuable jewelry in the mail and actually expect any kind of decent reimbursement in return.  Just go to a pawn shop, dummy!

Another cottage industry that popped up before the recession is all this identity theft prevention hysteria crap.  I’m not saying ID theft doesn’t happen now and then, but I find it hard to believe it’s as prevalent as these sensationalistic fear-mongering advertisers make it out to be.  Hell, if someone wants to steal my ID, they can fucking have it—it’s not like I’m scoring any hot chicks with my current one, and I’ll gladly let the sucker pay my credit cards off instead!