Up and running again...

BACK TO WHERE I ONCE BELONGED
Sorry I haven’t blogged a whole lot lately, but I’ve been tied up with other stuff around the homestead this week.  The weather finally cooled off enough to enable me to move the computer and big TV out of my air-conditioned “dorm room” (bedroom) that I’ve spent the last three weeks hiding in, thus I’ve spent most of the day rearranging furniture and such.

BLAME IT ON THE DRAIN…
…as the Weird Al parody of Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain” goes. I’ve also been in preparation for the “Big Dig” in my front yard next week to repair my collapsed sewer drain, which has rendered me literally without a pot to piss in.  Washing dishes is no problem—I have plastic sink tubs for that, as well as for sponge bathing in—and I never used my sewer drain for laundry anyway because the floor drain is so inefficient that it floods my laundry room, so I just shoot that water out my back door.  However, I’m most grateful to the person who invented the 5-gallon bucket, which serves as my temporary toilet and I’ve gotten to know the Conoco convenience store down the hill from me fairly well, which I use for #2 when the need arises.  Yes, I know—too much information…

WORK FOR A LIVING? WHATCHU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
Seems that disgraced Colorado minister Ted Haggard is having money problems.  Y‘all remember him, doncha?  He‘s the one who was outed for being gay, then later claimed he was cured and is now "100% heteroseks-shul" again following intensive counseling and rehab.  Well, seems that he and his wife are in the poor house and are asking their supporters for some financial assistance during this difficult time in their lives while they continue their Bible studies for the next two years or so.  I may be stating the blatantly obvious here, but I don’t suppose it ever occurred to this fucker or his little wifey to actually go out and get a real job, did it?  This is what kills me about these so-called religious “leaders”—their sense of entitlement, especially when it comes to money.  Fuck you, Rev.—get your sorry ass out and earn a living like the rest of us for once!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #47
“Superstition”--STEVIE WONDER (1973)  “Very superstitious--ladder’s ‘bout to fall.”  Dopey 8-year-old me thought he sang, “Lettuce ‘bout to fall."  I always thought he sang “Superstition IS the way” instead of “ain’t” too.  Even dopier 8-year-old me didn't know that Stevie was blind when I first saw him on TV in 1973, so I thought he was merely being arrogant by constantly tossing his head around like he's prone to do.  I suppose I could make a joke like "I hope Stevie doesn't read this," here, but I won't...

SHOULD WE HOPE THEY DIE BEFORE THEY GET OLD?
“I know I piss a lot of people off when I say this, but I don’t like old people on a Rock ‘N’ Roll stage...me included.”—Grace Slick, Jefferson Airplane/Starship on VH-1’s “Behind The Music”.

Have to admit that I was taken aback just a little the first time I heard Grace’s words on VH-1 a few years ago, but as time wears on, I’m beginning to see what she meant by that statement.  It really hit home with me last week at my hotel in Minnesota while watching some PBS show late at night featuring recent performances by mostly British Invasion acts, and it was downright sad how silly some of them looked singing these songs from 40 some-odd years ago like the elderly (original, I'm assuming) lead singer of The Troggs trying to groove to “Wild Thing” like he was still in his ‘20s.  Eric Burdon of The Animals now resembles little more to me than Paulie from the Rocky movies.  Ever look at the guys in Pink Floyd during recent concert videos?  No small wonder they rely so heavily on lazers and visual effects because they look like a bunch of old farts, especially David Gilmour.  True, there are still some bands that can still bring it even at their advanced ages, like the Stones, The Who (before Entwistle died, anyway) and Kiss (in whose case, the wigs and make-up can hide a multitude of sins), but it’s becoming painfully obvious that Rock ‘N’ Roll is not aging gracefully at all. For further proof, get a load of these two...

SPEAKING OF THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE…
Seems odd for a band like Van Halen who now wants to pretend it’s 1984 all over again, to be busy trying to erase former bassist Michael Anthony from everyone’s collective memories by removing his songwriting credits from the 1984 album in the ASCAP database, among other things.  Mikey, to his credit, is taking the high road in all this.  Read all about it here.

Roamin' The Dome

It's quite possibly the most reviled sports venue in the world this side of the dearly-departed Veterans Stadium in Philly or perhaps Olympic Stadium in Montreal, but ironically I've attended more Major League Baseball games at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis than any other ballpark except Kauffman Stadium and the recently-demolished Busch Stadium in St. Louis.  I paid yet another visit there Friday night as the Twins beat the Rangers 2-1 in 10 innings, and even though the place is unfit for baseball, I have a soft spot for it all the same, and I'm not sure why.  I think it might be the way the good people of Minnesota make the best of the situation there and make it as loud and unbearable for the opposing team as possible.  Still, I'll be so happy for those folks when they can once again go outside and watch baseball in the new Twins park in 2010—it's an absolute crime to be playing baseball indoors on such beautiful summer evenings like they have in the Upper Midwest.

About the only lucid thing the late Billy Martin ever uttered in his life was when he voiced his displeasure with the Metrodome, calling it a travesty to baseball, and adding, "It's too bad they named it after a great guy like Humphrey."  Strange irony that Martin's death was announced during a "Monday Night Football" broadcast of a Minnesota Vikings game that originated from the Metrodome on Christmas night, 1989.  Actually, the "Homerdome" isn't all that bad a football stadium, and as the Vikings continue to beg the state of Minnesota for money for a new stadium, I think they oughtta do like the group Parliament once advocated and "Tear The Roof Off The Sucker!"  Seems to me that after the Twins move to their new stadium, the Vikings could temporarily move in with the U. of Minnesota in 2009 when the Golden Gophers' new on-campus stadium is completed and just have the Metrodome de-roofed and retrofitted for outdoor football only, like in the Vikes' halcyon days at old Metropolitan Stadium.  Ain't never gonna happen, though...

As per my usual when I visit out-of-town stadiums, I didn't care about the game near as much as checking out the various nooks and crannies of the park itself, and the Metrodome has numerous features one won't find in any other stadium in the world.  Please enjoy my little pictorial tour...

This has to be the only baseball stadium in America with a roof that needs to be dry-cleaned!











"Great seats, eh, buddy?"—Part 1 [NOTE: I was actually sitting in the seat when I snapped this!]












In the words of B. Bunny:  "Watch out for that next step—it's a doozy!"

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

"Great seats, eh, buddy?"—Part 2. Can't even sit down, and that damn pole's in the way!

Don't look like no "Cinch-Sak" to me!  A side view of the infamous "Hefty Bag".

Now here's where they need a friggin' Hefty Bag!

I know those dudes!  Before or after a game at the Metrodome, a must-see is the unofficial gift shop just to the NE of the 'Dome, which doubles as a mini-museum of Twin Cities sports and music history.  It features some wonderful backstage photos of The Fab Four during their 1966 concert at old Metropolitan Stadium.  The store's owner also has numerous photos taken with practically every Country music artist known to man, including Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner, et al.

Back To The Ol' Grind (And Heat)

NO PLACE LIKE HOME
I returned home last night from the hinterlands of Minnesota (against my better judgment), only to find Kansas City just slightly cooler than when I left it on Thursday morning.  I struggled mightily with the decision yesterday on whether to stay in Minnesota one more day or not, but I gotta tell ya, folks, the trip was worth it just for the weather alone—I awoke to temps in the '50s and rain yesterday, and fucking loved it!!  I even spotted an attractive young lady working at Barnes & Noble in downtown Minneapolis wearing boots yesterday—impressive for August!  If it weren't for those dreadful winters up that way, I'd move to the Twin Cities in a heartbeat.  Photos to come later when I feel like fighting with Blogspot's publisher function thing...

A PLACE WE CALL THE ZOO...
I hit the mighty Mall of America in suburban Bloomington again yesterday.  On a normal August Saturday, the place is a clusterfuck, but on an August Saturday when it's raining and they're celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Minnesota Twins' 1987 World Champions, the place is a freakin' zoo!  Wall-to-wall people all over, and I had to do a fair amount of calisthenics to negotiate my way around, but the place is well worth a visit if you haven't been there before.

ALMOST FAMOUS...
While I was at MOA, I checked out Famous Dave's barbecue emporium for lunch, and was quite impressed with their meaty delights.  Dandy brisket, dandy ribs and dandy sides (corn on the cob, mashed taters, fries, etc.).  I'd put these folks right up there with local faves Gates and K.C. Masterpiece, and that's truly sayin' something, coming from a Kansas Citian.  Come to find out after getting back home that we have a Famous D's right here in the area out by the Kansas Speedway that I wasn't even aware of.  Must pay them a visit soon...

WHAT A CROC!
I once swore that I'd never buy a pair of these things, but I caved in during my road trip and picked up the Paylessshoesource knock-off version of Crocs, and I gotta admit, these damn things are very comfortable.  Ugly as Joan Rivers (and her ugly-ass daughter), but so very comfortable.  Great for wearing around the house, if nothing else...

GETTING REAMED
Meantime, back on the homefront, attempts by a professional plumber at unclogging my troublesome sewer drain pipe proved to be futile, and it appears I have a collapsed sewer drain pipe in my front yard, therefore, I literally don't have a pot to piss in at the moment.  The plumbers are wanting 2,500 semolians to excavate my front yard and replace said pipe, but yours truly is bull-headed enough that he's going to dig the bloody hole and fix the damn thing himself.  Yes, I'm that stubborn.  Who knows—maybe I'll find Jimmy Hoffa while I'm at it...

R.I.P., SCOOTER
I'm hardly a New York Yankees fan, but I do respect their history, and want to acknowledge the passing of Hall of Fame shortstop/announcer Phil Rizzuto last week.  Youse Rock 'N' Roll fans know of Rizzuto's work as well, as he did the "play-by-play" on Meat Loaf's classic "Paradise By The Dashboard Light", the double-entendre of which "Scooter" was apparently totally unaware of when he recorded it.  "Holy Cow!" was his signature call (as was Harry Caray's), and he was well-loved in Gotham City.

DUBBA-DUB-DUB...
I'm just a tad disappointed with the new Kissology, Volume II DVD set, as it appears that Paul Stanley hath overdubbed new vocals for a couple or three songs during the semi-legendary 1980 Sydney, Australia concert, especially on "Shandi" and "I Was Made For Lovin' You"—there ain't no fucking way he'd sound that polished live in concert!  During IWMFLY, when he sings "You were made for loving me...", you can clearly see that his mouth remains open on "me" well after his vocal stops.  I'm also chafed that they only included the first segment of the infamous Tom Snyder interview from Halloween, 1979.  Still, this fucker is worth it alone for the dreaded cinematic classic Kiss Meets The Phantom.  In the words of The Starchild:  "Easy, Catman--they are serious!"  Excellent tribute to the late Eric Carr as well (who was unable to re-dub his vocals for rather obvious reasons)...

Just as an aside, watch the "Shandi" video and note what happens at the :47 mark.  As Robin Williams said in Good Morning, Vietnam, "Flip them the bird!!"  Just as another aside, check out "She's So European" and note the following:  1) How Gene Simmons sounds like Billy Joel on the vocals;  2) How Ace's cape looks like a shower curtain when he turns his back to the camera; and 3) How Paul's guitar bears more than a strong resemblance to Bjorn Ulvaeus of ABBA's axe in the old "Waterloo" video!

VH UPDATE
I gathered some new info in regards to my query on the blog the other day in my Van Halen post about why bassist Michael Anthony is no longer with the band.  I stumbled across a brand new book at Barnes & Noble yesterday on the Van Halen saga, most-appropriately titled The Van Halen Saga (damn, why didn't I think of that?).  Seems that Mikey's departure has to do with Eddie's disgruntlement with his participation in tours with Sammy Hagar and other outside projects—in spite of the veritable dearth of activity in the Van Halen camp since 1995 or so.  Downright petty on EVH's part, I dare say.  I only thumbed through the book, but it appeared to be a good read.  I ain't paying $26 for the hard-cover version, tho...

Can you say "Flip-Flop"?, Part Deux

Okay, I lied—I've decided to spend part of my week's vacation actually on vacation after all.  I'm sick of this Amazon jungle heat here in K.C., so I'm getting away for a couple days to a climate that'll be about 30-35 degrees cooler by the time I get there—Minnesota!  Maybe I'll drop by and see Mary, Lou, Murray, Ted and the rest of the WJM gang while I visit the Land of 10,000 Lakes.  Full report pending upon my return...

More (D)Ann Coulter

Watch these videos and tell me this bitch doesn't have an Adam's Apple! Once again, I pose the question, if this "woman" is so damn conservative, then why does "she" dress so slutty?

Can you say "Flip-Flop"?

Pretty self-explanatory, straight from the horse's (patoot's) mouth.  Many thanks to my dear friend Stacy for bringing this to my attention.

The Original VH-1

When Kiss started falling out of favor a bit in the late '70s, their void was filled for me by a band that one Gene Simmons ironically had a hand in discovering—Van Halen.  I saw these guys in concert four times during the David Lee Roth era, and three more with Sammy Hagar, and these were some of my all-time favorite concerts.  The DLR era in particular featured some of the most high-energy shows I've ever attended, and at their peak (circa. 1981-82) VH was white-hot on stage, even when Roth was too drunk or too stoned to remember some of the lyrics!

 So why is it I'm so queasy about today's announcement of a Van Halen reunion tour with Roth?  I guess maybe because I know that deep down inside, the Van Halens and Roth really still can't stand each other, but they can put up with each other long enough to snag a few paychecks.  And you just know that this tour is going to end badly (if it ever gets off the ground in the first place), and it will have more to do with Roth's arrogant tendencies than with Eddie Van Halen's well-documented substance abuse problems.  I also have issues with bassist Michael Anthony being sacked in favor of Eddie's 17-year-old son Wolfgang.  I don't understand what Eddie's (and/or Alex's) beef is with Mikey—he's certainly put up with all of their problems all these years and never complained.  For all we know, young Wolfie might well be a competent bassist, but can he also duplicate Anthony's high harmony backing vocals that are an integral part of the VH sound?  To me, this is not a true reunion tour if Anthony isn't part of it.  As I said the first time they announced this tour earlier this year, I have a baaaad feeling about this...

But let's not forget why I came to love this band in the first place—they fucking rocked!  Great guitar pyrotechnics from Eddie, Roth's testosterony lyrics, and some great live shows.  My favorite VH album was 1981's Fair Warning, the 8-track tape (remember those, kids?) of which I nearly wore out during my junior year in high school.  All four of the VH shows I saw with Roth were great, but my personal favorite was the Diver Down tour in 1982.  My friend Tom and I had great seats at Kemper Arena on the lower lever near Eddie's side of the stage, and I distinctly remember how pumped-up the crowd was before the show began.  One of my all-time favorite concert memories occured during the opening act, After The Fire (of "Der Kommisar" fame), when some guy in the front row stood up right in front of ATF's lead singer with his right arm and middle finger extended!  Crude gesture, to be sure, but deadly accurate—these guys sucked, and that's how anxious that crowd was to see Van Halen!  Then again, crappy opening acts were a VH staple—whereas Kiss always brought along great opening acts like Judas Priest, Molly Hatchet, Queensryche and W.A.S.P., Van Halen gave us big names like The Katz, G-Force, After The Fire and The Velcros!

The Van Hagar era was less satisfying on many levels, although I really do like Sammy Hagar.  Early on, the shows were still high-energy, and by far, 1988's OU812 was the high-water mark of Sammy's tenure, but after that, it felt like Van Halen really lost their edge, and by 1995's Balance album, they were downright boring!  Then the whole big soap opera began when Hagar was fired and VH briefly reunited with Roth for two lame songs on a best-of CD, then Extreme vocalist Gary Cherone came in for that still-born Van Halen 3 flop in 1998, and then they reunited with Hagar again for another greatest hits album and a very ragged concert tour.  Sadly, this once-mighty band has basically been irrelevant for the last 15 years.

Do me a favor, please, and wake me up when or if they become relevant again...

My All-Time Van Halen Top 10 (Hagar era):
10) "Top Of The World" (1991)
9) "Dreams" (1986)
8) "Humans Being" (1995)
7) "Good Enough" (1986)
6) "Mine All Mine" (1988)
5) "Runaround" (1991)
4) "When It's Love" (1988)
3) "Source Of Infection" (1988)
2) "A.F.U. (Naturally Wired) (1988)
1) "Get Up" (1986)

My All-Time Van Halen Top 15 (Diamond Dave era):
15) "Jamie's Cryin'" (1978)
14) "Hot For Teacher" (1984)
13) "Everybody Wants Some!!" (1980)
12) "Panama" (1984)
11) "Ice Cream Man" (1978)
10) "D.O.A." (1979)
9) "Pretty Woman" (1982)
8) "Somebody Get Me A Doctor!" (1979)
7) "Eruption"/"You Really Got Me" (1978)
6) "Fools" (1980)
5) "Sinner's Swing!" (1981)
4) "Hear About It Later" (1981)
3) "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (1978)
2) "I'm The One" (1978)
1) "Unchained" (1981)

Stadiums That Didn't Happen (For Better Or Worse)

THE SHEA DOME?
Long before they designed the not-so-distant-future new home of the New York Mets, Citi Field, there was talk of slapping a roof on Chez Shea.  Sometimes ideas—even those with the best of intentions—should just remain ideas...


 
FENWAY PARK II?
There was talk for a while about replacing venerable Fenway Park with a neo-modern replica just behind the original (complete with faux Green Monster and all), but that fell by the wayside in favor of just plain renovating Fenway I.  Good thing, or Bostonians might've wound up with this monstrosity instead.










WELCOME TO THE DODGER DOME...
Long before The Astrodome was ever conceived, this is what 'Dem Bums could've played in if Brooklyn Dodgers owner Walter O'Malley had his way in the late '50s before bolting for Californy.  Revolting, ain't it?  No offense to the good people of Brooklyn, but if this was the only alternative, it's just as well the Dodgers landed in L.A.

HOW MANY RIVERS DO YOU NEED?
Here be a mock-up of what eventually became the penultimate cookie-cutter stadium, Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh.  Looks kinda like a cross between R.F.K. Stadium in D.C. and Kauffman Stadium here in K.C., don't it?...




WRIGLEY FIELD WEST?
Here's an interesting tidbit—the original home of the Los Angeles/California/Anaheim/Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (by way of El Segundo) Angels, not to mention the original home of TV's "Home Run Derby" show, Wrigley Field in Los Angeles, had serious consideration for renovation at one point during the '60s.  The Major League Angels only played one season there before jumping ship to Dodger Stadium for a few years until Anaheim Stadium was finished in 1966, but this proposed renovation looked an awful lot like Chicago's Comiskey Park I crossed with the late '70s renovation of Anaheim Stadium to accomodate the L.A. Rams foosball team.

TOTALLY SICK!
Long before the dreaded Kingdome was envisioned, the expansion of Seattle's Sick's Stadium was considered to keep those dreaded expansion Pilots from jumping ship in 1970 to Milwaukee.  Sadly, too many of the new seats were located in the outfield, and the Pilots flew the coop.  Just as well, the team sucked anyway...

Fan Appreciation Day

I'M MELTING!!!
Well, not quite, but damn near!  It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut (thank you, Robin Williams) here in good ol' K.C., and it ain't gonna cool down anytime soon, evidently.  Against my better judgment, I mowed my yard this morning before it got too hot, and I nearly drowned in my own perspiration.  Since then I've been hanging out in my little 9' x 12' air-conditioned cocoon (my bedroom), and I'm ever so thankful to the dude (or dudette) who discovered freon!  Today is also Day One of a week's vacation for me, but I'm not leaving town this time.  I chose this week originally because I was planning a big trip to New York, but I pushed that back to next year, and since I already had the time off anyway, I decided to keep it.  I might just do the Al Bundy-style vacation instead and spend a couple days camped out in my living room...

METHINKS I DOTH SMELLETH A RAT...
Tickets to the Elton John concert at our new Sprint Center sold out in 90 minutes on Monday.  Nothing wrong with that, except that I don't seem to remember there being that high a demand for EJ tickets the last couple times he came to town.  Even factoring in that it's opening night for our new arena and all, I can't help but wonder how many of those tickets got snagged up by these ticket broker outfits on the Kansas side for resale (scalping is legal in the Land of Oz) instead of by the average fan with a credit card who logged on to TicketBastard.  As Col. Potter on "M*A*S*H" would say, "Beaver biscuits!!"

JOE GARAGIOLA WAS RIGHT...
...when he said "Baseball is a VERY funny game."  Take for instance the story of St. Louis Cardinals player Rick Ankiel, who used to pitch for the Redbirds at one time until he struggled with his control to the point where he couldn't find home plate with a Rand McNally road atlas and a decent compass.  He threw more wild pitches than strikes, so they sent him to the minors and converted him into an outfielder, and it turns out the boy can hit better than he once pitched.  After feasting on Minor League pitching, the Cards called him up this week, and he proceeded to hit a 3-run homer in his first Big League game as an outfielder.  He had two more dingers today, too.  That's what I love most about baseball—the sheer quirkiness of it sometimes.

THE COOKIE CRUMBLED
While I'm on baseball, tonight is Cookie Rojas Bobblehead Night at Kauffman Stadium.  Since the Royals have no current superstar players to promote with bobblehead dolls, they have to reach back to their distant past to find worthy players, and Rojas was the Royals' 2nd baseman near the end of his career in the early '70s before being supplanted by Frank White.  Great player, but my memory of Rojas was soured forever by the time my mom took me to get his autograph at a Sears store appearance he made when I was about nine.  He was sitting at a table and talking to some guy standing behind him, and when I got to the head of the line, I worked up the nerve to actually speak to him, wishing him good luck in that night's game, etc.  He just went on jabbering away with that guy and didn't even acknowledge my existence while he scribbled his name (poorly) on his 8 x 10 photo.  I wasn't scarred for life by this or anything, but it feels good all the same to say the following some 34 years later:  Fuck you, Cookie—you're a dick!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #46
"The Sounds Of Silence"—SIMON & GARFUNKEL (1966)  "And my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light..."  I thought it was "scared" instead of "stabbed".  Hey, it was AM radio and I was only four the first time I heard it...

TURN OFF THE HYPE MACHINE, ALREADY!
This obsession the sports media (especially ESPN) has with soccer icon David Beckham is bordering on the absurd now.  I watched the game on Thursday where Beckham actually managed to suit up for his first MLS game (mostly because nothing else was on worth watching), and you'd swear it was the Second Coming or something.  Wow, he played a whole 21 minutes!  And to think some idiots actually played the whole damn game—what were they thinking?  Don't get me wrong—I'm a soccer fan, and would love to see the MLS succeed, but they're mortgaging their whole future on one overrated superstar, and I'm telling you they're going to regret this more than they know...

WHAT MIGHT'VE BEEN...
I watched a half-decent flick last night on DVD, the film Bobby from last year, directed by Emilio Estevez, all about the day leading up to the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy in 1968.  The movie was a bit slow to develop at first, but it was surprisingly good, overall.  Now, I'm hardly a fan of the Kennedys—I like them just about as much as I like those nice Clintons—but one wonders what American history would have been like if RFK had lived.  Most assuredly, he would've blown Nixon's doors off in the '68 election, and probably would've been re-elected in '72, thus sparing us from having The Big Dick in the White House.  Food for thought, anyway...

The Day After

A MOST APPROPRIATE REACTION
Regular readers are already aware that I was in a quandary about how I would react to Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron's career home run record.  I had narrowed my choices down to yawning, farting or scratching my balls (or any combination of the three), but I inadvertently came up with an even more ingenious response last night—I slept right through it all!  And slept well, I might add.  Just an observation here, but ain't it amazing how whenever Bonds hits a home run, the Giants usually lose the game?

Okey fine—Barely Bonds is now officially the home run king, but I still say Hank Aaron is the real home run king.  I even had the honor of seeing him hit one of his 755 home runs in person.  It was on June 11, 1976 (easy to remember--my 12th birthday) at Royals Stadium during Aaron's final season with the Milwaukee Brewers, and "The Hammer" jacked one into the left field corner seats.

JUST TELL ME WHAT TIME THE GAME STARTS, OK?
The NFL announced that my hero John Mellencamp will perform during the pre-game show at Opening Night next month in Indianapolis, along with Kelly Clarkson and Faith Hill.  Yes, I know there's the Indiana connection there and all, but jeez Louise, couldn't they come up with someone better than this simple-minded hillbilly?  I'd sooner listen to the vocal stylings of David Letterman.  Even Bobby Knight crooning "It's Hard To Be Humble" would be a step in the right direction...

EDITOR'S NOTEIf you're looking for the "Tony's Kansas City" blog link formerly featured on this here blog, I deleted it.  I used to think this guy was just a harmless crackpot with far too much time on his hands, but his insulting remarks about Elton John fans (I'm a lifelong fan—if you have problem with that, fuck you, Tony!) and gay people (I'm not one of them, but I have no quarrel with them) revealed him to be just another ignorant bigot, and I refuse to associate my blog with that crap.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #45
"Miss America"--STYX (1977)  Not a lyric here, but it took me about 20 years to catch on that Dennis DeYoung was "borrowing" the "There she is..." bit on the synthesizer throughout the song.  I'm a little slow, sometimes...

THIS IS REFRESHING...Not just the photo, but the fact that the girl in it has actually made something of her life after being a child star and hasn't wound up dead, on skid row or reality TV (same thing), or worse—tabloid fodder like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, et al.  Seems that our little Winnie "Super" Cooper from "The Wonder Years" has grown up with her head on straight, and just as I predicted when I first laid eyes on her on that show back in the late '80s, Danica McKellar is an absolute hottie now.  Pretty AND smart—what a concept!  At the risk of sounding like Tyra Banks—you go, girl!!

Crossing The T's--Part II

LATHER, RINSE, RE-PETE
Pete Townshend’s solo career has been a tad frustrating to me—seems like he‘s always out to try and top Quadrophenia and Tommy with these half-baked Rock operas like The Iron Man and Psychoderelict (and The Who‘s Endless Wire), and they always wind up being big disappointments.  I wish Pete would just do an album of songs now and then about whatever’s on his mind at the time—I’m tired of all this lofty artsy-fartsy stuff.  I much prefer more topical songs from Pete like the title track from Empty Glass (“I stand with my guitar—all I need’s a mirror, and I’m a star…”), “A Little Is Enough"  (“Common sense would tell me not to try and continue…“), “Jools And Jim” (“They don’t give a shit Keith Moon is dead—is that exactly what I thought I read?...Morality ain’t measured in a room he wrecked…”) and “Slit Skirts" (“No one respects the flame quite like the fool who’s badly burned…/Have to be so drunk to try a new dance…/Can’t pretend that growing older never hurts…”).

My All-Time Pete Townshend solo Top 10:
1) “Gonna Get Ya” (1980)
2) “Slit Skirts” (1982)
3) “White City Fighting” (1985)
4) “Jools And Jim” (1980)
5) “Empty Glass” (1980)
6) “Rough Boys” (1980)
7) “Face The Face” (1985)
8) “A Little Is Enough” (1980)
9) “Give Blood” (1985)
10) “Heart To Hang On To” (1977-w/Ronnie Lane)

OH, THOSE PESKY WILBURYS!
It’s a damn shame they only made two albums, because this was some fun stuff!  Jeff Lynne, George Harrison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan and Roy Orbison secretly put out the wonderful Vol. 1 in 1988, and just as Roy’s career was experiencing a major upturn, he died of a heart attack.  There was no replacement for Roy on 1991’s Vol. 3 (Vol. 2 doesn't exist), but wouldn’t Carl Perkins have made a great Wilbury?  Or maybe Dave Edmunds?  I heard they’ve recently repackaged the two Wilbury CDs, adding some bonus tracks and a new DVD of their videos and such.  Sounds dandy to me.


My All-Time Traveling Wilburys Top 10:
1) “The Wilbury Twist” (1991)
2) “Poor House” (1991)
3) “Handle With Care” (1988)
4) “End Of The Line” (1988)
5) “Cool Dry Place” (1991)
6) “Dirty World” (1988)
7) “She’s My Baby” (1991)
8) “The Devil’s Been Busy” (1991)
9) “Heading For The Light” (1988)
10) “Rattled” (1988)

TRULY TRIUMPHANT?
Canada’s Triumph got off on the wrong foot with me in the late ‘70s, and it took them a while to finally win me over.  These Rush wanna-be’s had the audacity to pretty much rip off Kiss’ stage show—apart from the fire-breathing, make-up and blood-spitting, anyway.  Their breakout hit “Hold On” was about all you heard on Rock radio in the summer of ’79—along with Billy Thorpe’s “Children Of The Sun” and fellow-Canuck Pat Travers‘ “Boom Boom (Out Go The Lights)”—and it wore thin on me real quick.  As time wore on, I learned to tolerate them a bit, as the song “Magic Power” caught my attention, as well as “I Live For The Weekend”.  Like .38 Special, they were a good-but-not-great band, and ironically I saw both those bands as opening acts at the same concert at Arrowhead in ‘81, on the bill with Loverboy and Foreigner.


My All-Time Triumph Top Five:
1) “I Live For The Weekend” (1980)
2) “Magic Power” (1981)
3) “A World of Fantasy” (1983)
4) “Lay It On The Line” (1979)
5) “Spellbound” (1984)

TOTALLY TUBULAR, DUDES!
The Tubes were notorious for their borderline-porn live stage act in the ‘70s, during which lead singer Fee Waybill (born John Waldo) would become his alter-ego “Quay Lewd”, sort of a poor man’s Ziggy Stardust, if there is such a thing!  The band toned things down for 1981’s Completion Backward Principle album, and people started taking them seriously. “Talk To Ya Later” was a great track, and “Don’t Wanna Wait Anymore” is one of my favorite power ballads of all-time.  They had an even bigger hit with 1983’s “She’s A Beauty”, but in 1986 the album Love Bomb lived up to its title (in spite of a great single “Piece By Piece”), and The Tubes went down their own name. [Sorry, bad puns...]

My All-Time Tubes Top 5:
1) “Piece By Piece” (1986)
2) “Don’t Wanna Wait Anymore” (1981)
3) “Talk To Ya Later” (1981)
4) “Sushi Girl” (1981)
5) “She’s A Beauty” (1983)

WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!?
What is that?  A Twisted Sister CD?  In my CD player?  Damn right, Mr. Niedermeyer!  I have a soft spot for these guys, even though they were more cartoonish and campy than a serious Rock band.  Dee Snider is a charismatic dude (even if he didn’t always dress like a dude at times!), and TS made some of the funniest music videos ever.  And I must be the only person in the world who loved their final album, 1987’s Love Is For Suckers.  Bloody hell—that thing couldn’t possibly be 20 years old already, could it?!?

My All-Time Twisted Sister Top 10:
1) “Love Is For Suckers” (1987)
2) “Wake Up (The Sleeping Giant)” (1987)
3) “We’re Not Gonna Take It” (1984)
4) “Tonight” (1987)
5) “Out On The Streets” (1985)
6) “I Wanna Rock” (1984)
7) “You Can’t Stop Rock ‘N’ Roll” (1983)
8) “Shoot ‘Em Down” (1981)
9) “Stay Hungry” (1984)
10) “The Fire Still Burns” (1985)

Crossing The T's--Part I

SAME AS IT EVER WAS…It took the Talking Heads years to really grow on me, and I still think they are way overrated overall, but they did have their moments now and then.  David Byrne is a rather strange duck, as evidenced by his videos, but at least he doesn’t take himself too seriously.  I’m not convinced that this band deserves to be in the Rock And Roll Hall of Fame, though.

My All-Time Talking Heads Top 5:
1) “Life During Wartime” (Live-1984)
2) “Love For Sale” (1986)
3) “Take Me To The River” (1979)
4) “Once In A Lifetime” (1980)
5) “Road To Nowhere” (1985)

WELL, ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?.38 Special is one of those good-but-not-great bands that was always an opening act but not a headliner (a la Loverboy, Ratt, Warrant, etc.).  These guys weren’t bad live, but I’ve always questioned why they needed Donnie Van Zant in the band, apart from his surname.  Guitarist Don Barnes sang the lead vocals on all their big hits while Donnie jacked-off on-stage pretending to play third guitar (watch their live videos—it‘s pretty obvious he’s faking it).  Jeff Carlisi wasn’t too shabby a lead guitarist, though.

My All-Time .38 Special Top 5
1) “Chain Lightning” (1982)
2) “Rockin’ Into The Night” (1980)
3) “Teacher Teacher” (1984)
4) “Fantasy Girl” (1981)
5) “Back To Paradise” (1987)

LONESOME GEORGE DOES UNNASTAND!Sometimes one wants filet mignon for dinner, and sometimes one wants a big greasy sloppy cheeseburger.  Well, if Led Zeppelin is Rock ‘N’ Roll filet mignon, then George Thorogood & The (Delaware) Destroyers are a Town Topic double cheeseburger!  I was instantly hooked when I first heard “Move It On Over” in 1978—a welcome respite from all the disco being played at the time—and George’s takes on other people’s songs (especially Chuck Berry’s) are always wonderfully raw and once in a while he comes up with good original stuff too, like “Bad To The Bone” and “Get A Haircut”.  His longtime drummer Jeff Simon is a very underrated timekeeper too.  Quite possibly the best bar band ever, Lonesome George and the boys are like a runaway freight train when they kick it into gear live.  Sometimes raw and sloppy is (Thoro) good!


My All-Time George Thorogood Top 10:
1) “It Wasn’t Me” (1978)
2) “Move It On Over” (1978)
3) “(Let’s) Go Go Go” (1985)
4) “Long Gone” (1985)
5) “Bad To The Bone” (1982)
6) “You Talk Too Much” (1988)
7) “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer” (1977)
8) “I Really Like Girls” (1988)
9) “Cocaine Blues” (1978)
10) “Get A Haircut” (1993)

HARD TO BE EASYThree Dog Night had one helluva chart run in the early ‘70s, and there was about a three-year stretch from 1970-72 where everything they touched turned to gold, and I clearly remember how “Joy To The World“ was just about all you heard on AM radio for three solid months in the summer of ‘71.  TDN did very little original material of their own, but they were one of those groups who were lucky enough to have great material written for them by the likes of Paul Williams (aka Little Enos Burdett), Randy Newman, B.W. Stevenson, and even John Hiatt, among others.  Too bad singer Chuck Negron pissed most of the group’s success away with his heroin addiction—by the Bicentennial they were already has-beens.

My All-Time Three Dog Night Top 10:
1) “An Old-Fashioned Love Song” (1971)
2) “Liar” (1971)
3) “Celebrate” (1970)
4) “One” (1969)
5) “Out In The Country” (1970)
6) “Shambala” (1973)
7) “Never Been To Spain” (1972)
8) “One Man Band” (1970)
9) “Family Of Man” (1972)
10) “Mama Told Me (Not To Come)” (1970)

ON SUNDAY, MAYBE MONDAY OR ‘TIL TUESDAY—ANY OL’ DAY WILL DO!Singer Aimee Mann must have had a thing for days of the week, judging by her song titles and band name.  ‘Til Tuesday is one of those bands comprised of three guys and a girl, and guess who everyone focused on!  Actually, one of the guys did look like a girl, but it was obvious from the start that Aimee Mann was the focal point, and she became a solo artist after three albums with the band.  Mann’s recent solo albums have been critically acclaimed (which probably means they suck), and she’s quick to diss the ‘Til Tuesday material now, which is a shame because that first album and about half of the second one were pretty good stuff.  The girl still has very sexy eyes, too.

My all-time ‘Til Tuesday Top 10
1) “On Sunday” (1986)
2) “No More Crying” (1985)
3) “Maybe Monday” (1985)
4) “Winning The War” (1985)
5) “Coming Up Close” (1986)
6) “Voices Carry” (1985)
7) “(Believed You Were) Lucky” (1989)
8) “What About Love” (1986)
9) “Love In A Vacuum” (1985)
10) “The Other End Of The Telescope” (1989)

"Cool is the rule, but sometimes bad is bad..."

OH YEAH, HE'S WORTH ALL THAT MONEY, ALRIGHT...
Let's hear it for Roger Clemens and his stellar performance today for the Yankees:  the fucker didn't even get out of the second inning (against the lowly White Sox, no less), giving up nine hits and eight runs in 1.2 innings.  Okay, only three of those eight runs were earned, but still, this douchebag is supposed to be George Steinbrenner and the Yankees' personal savior.

IN MY ROOM
After a cooler-than-normal July here in K.C. (attention, all you global warming crazies!), August has started off muckin' fuggy here.  Therefore, I decided to take a proactive stance instead of suffering in the beastly heat by moving my computer and big TV into my 9' x 12' bedroom to take advantage of the meat locker-like conditions provided by my mighty little window unit air conditioner, since my central air is just about worthless when it gets above 85 degrees.  It's a little cramped in here, but I'll manage. I always do...

EVERY MOTORIST'S WORST NIGHTMARE...
Unbelievable scenes from the Twin Cities last night.  Here's actual footage of the bridge collapsing taken from a security camera. Oddly enough, I've never driven on that bridge, even though I've visited the Twin Cities three times in the last five years. What's really scary is there are probably lots of other older bridges just waiting to do the same thing.  Considering the time of day it happened, I'm amazed that the carnage wasn't worse than it was. Sad, very sad...

SOULSVILLE REDUX
Nice documentary last night on PBS on the rise and fall of Stax Records.  Their story is even more interesting than that of Motown Records, and probably would make for a great mini-series on TV, if they ever decide to make one.  Again, I highly recommend a visit to 926 E. McLemore Avenue in Memphis to the Stax museum, if you're ever down that way—it's quite fascinating.  To paraphrase Mick Jagger:  don't mind the maggots (on your way there)...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #44
"All Along The Watchtower"--JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE (1968) "Businessman drink my wine/Plowmen dig my earth..."  I thought Jimi was inviting us to "Come and dig my earth."

DEM BONES, DEM BONES...
I took my mom out to watch our mighty Kansas City T-Bones minor league beisbol team play on Tuesday night over on the Kansas side out by the Kansas Speedway.  We're talking minor minor league baseball, but it's surprisingly entertaining anyway, in spite of the fact that some of the players are in worse physical shape than yours truly.  Sadly, with minor league players, you also get minor league umpires, and the bozo who worked home plate must have worked for FEMA at some point, based on the bizarre calls he made.  Luckily, the T-Bones prevailed despite of this yahoo's efforts, and the game was most enjoyable thanks in large part to the guy on the right in this here photo.  Talk about your dream jobs—I sure wouldn't mind travelling the country from ballpark to ballpark and spending a couple hours jacking off in a chicken suit (at $10,000 a show—right!), and yet no one would know what I looked like and no one would bother me in real life, kinda like how a certain band that wore make-up operated in the '70s...

Monday evening comin' down

TOM SNYDER, 1936-2007
Sad news today with the passing legendary late-night talk show host Tom Snyder at age 71 of leukemia.  Yes, he was skewered by Dan Aykroyd's mimicry of him on "Saturday Night Live", and yes, he was a tad pompous at times, but Tom was positively humble compared with today's self-important ratings whores like Bill O'Reilly.  More importantly, Tom's shows were ultra-cool and most enjoyable.

I remember staying up late on many a summer (i.e., non-school) night from about age 12 onward and watching the "Tomorrow Show" after Johnny Carson called it a night, and I thought it made me more "grown-up" by watching Tom's show.  I didn't know who half his guests were sometimes—I had never heard of actor David Niven, for instance, before seeing him on "Tomorrow", but came away thinking how smooth and debonair the man was—and I found Tom's relaxed demeanor and easy banter with those guests very appealing.  Then again, there was one particular "Tomorrow Show" I missed in its first run, but I damn sure knew who the guests were, as Tom conducted the infamous Halloween, 1979 Kiss interview where Ace "I'm a plumber" Frehley was totally crocked, thus pissing Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley off no end, but Tom seemed to love it.  The Kiss interview will also be featured on the new Kissology-Volume II DVD due out August 14th.  Tom also had the balls to interview John Lennon, Elvis Costello and Johnny Rotten (for whatever that was worth).

Tom later hosted his own radio show in the late '80s, which I occasionally got to run the board for during my brief stint at KKJO in St. Joseph, MO circa 1988-89.  Unlike his direct competition at the time, Larry King, T.S. was actually friendly to his callers (none of that "Alexandria, Virginia--HELLO!!" crap), and I always prayed for the St. Louis Cardinals games to run long so I could run the entire Snyder show on tape-delay during the first part of my Midnight-6AM airshift just so I could listen to the whole broadcast.  I also remember Tom had this nutbag who would call the show and when he got on the air would start playing his harmonica instead of talking.  T.S. finally caught on to his pattern of using fake names like "Tony from Orlando", "John from Denver", "Jack from London" and "Christopher from Columbus", etc., and once actually predicted it was him calling based on the name he gave before he answered.  Funny stuff.

So long, Tom--it was good to know ya (in a roundabout way)...

BILL WALSH, 1931-2007
More sad news today with the passing of former San Francisco 49ers head coach Bill Walsh, ironically also following a battle with leukemia.  Walsh led the Niners to three Super Bowl titles in the '80s, and is credited as the innovator of the "West Coast Offense".  Walsh is one of those coaches who was a brilliant tactician (not unlike current coaches like Denver's Mike Shanahan and New England's Bill Belichick) who often used strategy to outwit his opponent.  Of course, it didn't hurt to have the likes of Joe Montana, Jerry Rice and Ronnie Lott, et al, on his squads too.  R.I.P., Bill...

THERE GOES MR. EISEN'S PERFECT ATTENDANCE RECORD...
For the first time ever in Kisstory, guitarist Paul Stanley was unable to answer the bell for a Kiss concert and did not perform at the band's show in San Jacinto, CA on Friday night.  Paul apparently fell ill the night before at a sound check, and his heart rate leapt to 190 BPM—not a good thing!  So, at his insistence, and apparently with the approval of the assembled fans at the venue, Kiss played a full concert as a three-piece for the first time, as Gene Simmons, Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer played a set loaded with songs featuring Gene and/or Eric on vocals.  What's ironic about all this is that the Starchild is the one who generally takes the best care of himself.  Sounds like the boy is doing better now, and all is well again, thankfully.

This was not, however, the first time Kiss performed as a trio.  Back in 1982, Paul, Gene and late drummer Eric Carr did a rather bizarre one-song lip-synch gig (at the dying Studio 54 in New York, no less) for the song "I" from Music From The Elder when Ace was about to leave the band anyway, and he basically said, "Fuck it—I'm not coming!"  They also substituted "guts" for "balls" in the lyrics.  It was a strange time for the band, indeed...

I once attended a Kiss concert where—for all intents and purposes—Paul Stanley also wasn't there.  It was at Civic Arena in St. Joseph on November 10, 1992 on the Revenge tour, as Stanley was suffering from the flu, and almost from the get-go, I could tell there was something wrong with him.  He lethargically sang the opening number "Creatures Of The Night", in a very low register, and hardly even moved around at all, as per his usual.  Then they reeled off about four or five Gene Simmons songs in a row, and when it came time to do "Heaven's On Fire", Paul announced that he wasn't feeling well and that Gene would sing it.  It was rather humorous to hear Mr. Demon bullshit his way through the lyrics, until he finally threw up his hands and said, "Hell, I don't know the words to this one!"  It was an admirable effort, and I give Stanley credit for playing hurt that night, but it was like watching Dale, Jr. driving on three wheels at Daytona, and I would've had more respect for Kiss if they had postponed the show and returned when Paul was better.  As it was, they wound up cancelling the next two shows on that abbreviated tour after St. Joseph.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #43
"Feel Like A Number"—BOB SEGER & THE SILVER BULLET BAND (1976)  "I feel just like another spoke in a great big wheel..." I always thought he said, "Smokin' a great big weed."  As I've said before, Mr. Seger:  confounded, man—enunciate!

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND...
I was rather pleased to read today that the lowlife who murdered "My Sister Sam" actress Rebecca Schaffer in 1989 was himself attacked by a fellow prison inmate and stabbed numerous times.  If you've ever seen this scumbag's taped confession of how he killed her, you'll agree that he deserves to be attacked a lot more often...

THE URBAN LEGEND IS TRUE!
Was also tickled to hear newly-inducted Baseball Hall of Fame Royals announcer Denny Matthews confirm during his speech yesterday that the Guy's Foods promo he read on the air during a game in 1970 did indeed go, "Fans, while you're in the store, be sure to grab Guy's nuts."  Young Dennis thought his career was toast at that moment, but little did he know it was just the beginning, and 37 years later, the man is still going strong.  Congrats again, Denny!

SANITY REIGNS, AFTER ALL...
Evidently fallen St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock's father has had a change of heart and has decided not to wage a legal battle against Mike Shannon's Steakhouse restaurant for serving Josh the alky-hol that he so fervently requested on the night he went out driving drunk off his ass and killed himself.  Nice to see that the elder Mr. Hancock came to his senses, especially in light of the fact that Mr. Shannon is now grieving the loss of his wife of 48 years, Judy Shannon, to brain cancer.