On with the countdown...
20) Hot In The Shade (1989) I really liked this album when it first came out, but it hasn’t aged very well over the last 20 years as I’ve noted the throw-away quality of some tracks, particularly Gene’s offerings. This coincides with the continuation of Simmons’ late ‘80s “Gone Hollywood” period, when he was off acting in movies and TV shows (to varying degrees of success), managing/producing other bands (Giuffria, EZO, Keel, et al) and schmoozing with all type of celebrity vermin, with his participation in the band he co-founded being more of a hobby to the Demon rather than a serious pursuit. Thus, Paul Stanley was carrying the band on his back, and he was understandably pissed at Gene, and finally let him know it not long after the Hot In The Shade tour ended in 1990. Accordingly, the Demon gave us several forgettable tracks like “Prisoner Of Love”, “Boomerang”, "Love's A Slap In The Face", “Somewhere Between Heaven And Hell” and “The Street Giveth And The Street Taketh Away”, with only “Betrayed” and maybe “Cadillac Dreams” being truly worth writing home about. Stanley’s tunes were the strongest, as usual, especially “Rise To It”, “Read My Body” and “Silver Spoon”, along with the album’s two big hits, “Forever” (co-written by that Michael Bolton scalawag) and “Hide Your Heart”. The latter tune, co- written by Stanley, Desmond Child and Holly Knight, was a cautionary tale about the emerging street gang culture, featuring Dino, who was “king of the streets”. Funny, I always thought Dino was Fred Flintstone’s pet, but I digress. Anyway, 1989 was a banner year for “Hide Your Heart”, as no less than three versions of the song came out that summer/fall—one by Kiss, one by Southern Rockers Molly Hatchet (on the last really good album they ever made), and another by some dude named Ace Frehley. Of the three, the Kiss version was probably the best. HITS was also noteworthy for being drummer Eric Carr’s unexpected swan song. Thankfully, before he left us, he was finally able to sing one of his own compositions on a Kiss record, “Little Caesar”, which was re-worked from a tune originally called “Ain’t That Peculiar” and re-titled as Eric’s nickname. Would love to have heard this little dude sing some more—he sounded great doing Gene’s “Young And Wasted” and singing Peter Criss’ part from “Black Diamond” in concert, as well. This was also the longest Kiss studio album, to date—15 tracks and nearly an hour’s worth of music—but as I often declare, bigger ain’t necessarily better.
My grade: C
19) MTV Unplugged (1996) I’m on record as hating the whole “Unplugged” phenomenon on MTV. I thought it was gimmicky then, and I still feel that way. To me, acoustic guitar is the equivalent of black-and-white TV, whereas electric guitar equals color TV to me. True, there are some classic moments in Rock when acoustic guitar never sounded sweeter—the intro to George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord”, The Who’s “Pinball Wizard” and the Moody Blues’ “Question”, just to name three—but in general, as John Hiatt once sang, “…I wanna hear a Telecaster through a Vibrolux turned up to ten.” All that being said, I actually did rather enjoy the Kiss installment of MTV Unplugged for two reasons: 1) it was kinda fun to hear how some of the old classics evolved from their acoustic beginnings, and most importantly, 2) it led to the Kiss reunion that put a screeching halt to the nightmarish grunge detour Kiss took on Carnival Of Souls. The highlights for me on Unplugged weren’t so much the big hits like “Rock And Roll All Nite” as were the more obscure classics they dusted off and played like “Comin’ Home” from Hotter Than Hell and "Plaster Caster" from Love Gun and even more recent stuff like “Domino” from Revenge. I do have issues with them changing the line “She’s got me by the balls” from the latter to “She’s got to have it all” just to protect the virgin ears of any precocious MTV viewers who might have tuned in. Then again, MTV are the same people who banned Van Halen’s “Pretty Woman” video because it featured a guy in drag, yet it was perfectly okey-dokey to air Boy George/ Culture Club videos ad nauseam, but I digress. Anyway, it was also refreshing to finally hear Peter Criss sing “Beth” with live musical accompaniment instead of a taped backing track, and the combined forces of Criss/Frehley/Stanley/Simmons with Eric Singer and Bruce Kulick performing “Nothin’ To Lose” and “Rock And Roll All Nite” made for a nice finale. Not unlike Kiss Symphony, Unplugged isn't something I’d want to listen to all the time, but it’s fun to give it an occasional spin.
My grade: C
18) Alive II (1977) Since Alive! was such a monumental live recording, when I learned that Kiss was making a sequel late in the summer of ’77, I couldn’t wait for Alive II to come out, to the point where it was the first Kiss album I bought the day it hit store shelves. Make that the nanosecond it hit those shelves. I anxiously camped out after school in front of the old No Records store in Raytown on a cold and grey November afternoon (in the ghetto?) until the hippie chick clerk arrived with their shipment of new records. Not sure why I was that antsy about getting it—I’d already listened to Alive II in its entirety a few days before when I stayed up late (on a school night) to hear it on the “Midnight Album Hour” on the old KY-102, back in the days when spinning albums from start-to-finish on Album Rock stations was routine instead of heresy like it is today. Oh well, by this time, I was well within the clutches of KissMania and I just HAD to have Alive II ASAP. And it sure hit the spot—for a while anyway. I loved it as much as Alive! at first, but as time wore on, I began to realize it wasn’t nearly as good as its predecessor. When I listened to it more objectively over time, I noticed how Alive II didn’t really “take you there” the same way the first live record did (regardless of how much it was touched-up). The crowd noise was way over-amped and sounded really fake in places, too—Kiss audiences are loud, yes, but not shrieky like BeatleMania crowds. And the musicianship is pretty mediocre throughout, as well. Knowing now what I didn’t know then, I personally think Kiss should’ve used the audio from the April 2, 1977 Tokyo Budokan concert that’s featured on the Kissology DVDs instead—the band was much tighter and the sound was far superior than the L.A. Forum shows from which Alive II was culled. However, Alive II did have a major saving grace—Side 4—comprised of five all-new studio cuts, all of which were quite good, especially Paul Stanley’s “All-American Man”, Gene Simmons’ “Larger Than Life” and Ace Frehley’s “Rocket Ride”, and their remake of the Dave Clark 5’s “Any Way You Want It” was a hoot. In some more revisionist hindsight, I still opine that Kiss might’ve been better served to add another live side to Alive II with tracks that didn’t make the original cut (like “Take Me” and “Do You Love Me”) and even re-visit a few songs from Alive! (like “Strutter” or “Firehouse”), then record another four or five new songs to combine with the five from Side 4 and put out a full-fledged Kiss studio album that would have nicely filled the interim between Alive II and the solo albums in ’78.
My grade: C overall, with a straight B for Side 4
17) Alive III (1993) In spite of the passing of drummer Eric Carr in 1991, Kiss rebounded nicely with their strongest album in years in 1992 with Revenge, and the ensuing tour in support of it with Eric Singer on the skins was shaping up to be a great one until it was truncated about halfway through by poor ticket sales. Alive III decently documents where the band was at during this time, as their set list included a nice mix of old (“Deuce”, “Detroit Rock City”), newer (“Creatures Of The Night”, “I Still Love You”, “Lick It Up”) and newest (“I Just Wanna”, “Domino”, “Unholy”). It was also fun to hear 1992 Kiss doing 1974’s “Watchin’ You” and sounding great on it. In fact, if you can find a copy of the bootleg Unchained & Unmasked with the entire Jersey Meadowlands concert from September of ’92, although the sound’s a bit muddy in places, it’s well worth a listen for other old classics like “Parasite”, “I Want You” and “Hotter Than Hell”. Getting back to Alive III, on this tour, Kiss (for some strange reason) chose to perform the Rock ‘N’ Roll national anthem, “Rock And Roll All Nite” in the middle of the show rather than in its customary closer spot, but in its place, they played a brief rendition of the real national anthem, “The Star-Spangled Banner”, instead. Not the greatest live album in the world, but not a bad one, and an upgrade over the second one.
My grade: C+
16) Dressed To Kill (1975) Dressed To Kill was a bit of a rush-job, since the only way Kiss could make any money during this period was by playing the concerts which they were now headlining, so they ducked into the studio briefly to whip this one out between gigs in the winter of ’75. Casablanca Records president Neil Bogart produced this one himself, which may partly explain why DTK had far better sound than the first two Kiss albums. Of the original three LPs, it probably had the weakest material, overall, as the band had exhausted their stash of good songs on the first two albums and didn’t have proper time to come up with new stuff before heading into the studio. There were still a few gems, though, namely “Room Service”, “C’Mon And Love Me” (which was a minor radio hit), “She” and “Love Her All I Can”, the latter two of which Gene and Paul resurrected from their pre-Kiss Wicked Lester days. One of Kiss’ more underrated cuts and a big favorite of mine, the original “Love Her All I Can” sounded almost Jethro Tull-like with a flute solo (perish the thought of Ian Anderson in Kiss makeup!), while the Kiss version is stronger and punchier. Dressed also included “Rock Bottom”, featuring Ace’s 12-string acoustic intro, which is one of the prettier pieces of music you’ll hear on a Kiss record—too bad the rest of the song doesn’t really go anywhere. And of course, DTK contains the original studio version of Rock’s national anthem, “Rock And Roll All Nite”. A landmark song, and a defining moment in Kisstory, to be sure, but to be honest, I much prefer its infinitely superior live version on Alive!. Overall, Dressed To Kill most certainly would’ve been better if they’d had more time to put it together, but under the circumstances, they did the best they could.
My grade: C+
15) Animalize (1984) Animalize was certainly one of Kiss’ most successful LPs during the non-make-up years, but I disagree with the popular view amongst Kiss fans who regard it as one of the best things they put out in the ‘80s. I’ve always thought that album was overrated because it’s only half-good—Paul Stanley’s half, that is. Gene Simmons basically phoned in his half while he was off in La-La Land terrorizing Tom Selleck and knifing Kirstie Alley in the back while playing the bad guy in the film Runaway. In fact, Animalize could almost pass for a Paul Stanley solo album sprinkled with a few guest appearances by Simmons, as the Starchild pretty much ran the whole show himself by producing the album and even playing bass on some tracks in Gene’s place (as did Jean Beauvoir, the black dude with the mohawk from the band King’s X). Nonetheless, PS had some killer cuts on this record, namely the sizzling “I’ve Had Enough (Into The Fire)”, “Under The Gun” and “Get All You Can Take”, along with the two MTV hits, “Heaven’s On Fire” and the Bon Jovi-ish “Thrills In The Night”. Gene’s tracks, on the other hand, were all pretty much forgettable, especially “Lonely Is The Hunter”, “Murder In High Heels” and “While The City Sleeps”. Only “Burn Bitch Burn” was halfway decent, (saved only by its strong riff) with silly lyrics that sure didn’t cut the cheese—lame lines like “the heels are stacked against you” and “I’m gonna put my log in your fireplace”, etc. The Demon’s ship had clearly run aground by this time—it was clear that his competing agendas were a major detriment to Kiss—and since he was so distracted, this would’ve been a golden opportunity to let “Little Caesar” (Eric Carr) sing on a track or two, but noooooooo! Animalize was also late guitarist Mark St. John’s proverbial “cup of coffee” with the band, and even though he was sidelined later by his bout with Reiter’s Syndrome, he may not have lasted long with Kiss anyway. He clashed musically with Stanley and Simmons almost from the get-go, and was even supplanted by his eventual permanent replacement, Bruce Kulick, on two of the tracks here. Lame cover jacket too (both front and back), but thankfully, Paul Stanley came through and saved this album from being a total reversal of the momentum created by Creatures Of The Night and Lick It Up.
My grade: C+
14) Sonic Boom (2009) Following the band’s longest stretch between studio albums ever (11 years), I was quite skeptical that Kiss could still bring it in 2009, but damned if they didn’t on Sonic Boom. The jury’s still out as to the overall impact of Sonic Boom on the Kiss catalogue, but I was pleasantly surprised at how rejuvenated the band sounds and quite pleased with the quality of songwriting here, which was a major upgrade over 1998’s Psycho Circus. I also like how Simmons and Stanley are collaborating on some songs again, and how this album sounds a lot more like a cohesive group effort, the likes of which we haven’t heard from Kiss since 1992’s Revenge. The best tracks include “Never Enough”, “Hot And Cold”, “Stand” and “All For The Glory”, the latter of which features drummer Eric Singer on lead vocals. Democracy reigns on Sonic Boom, as even guitarist Tommy Thayer gets to sing lead on “When Lightning Strikes”. All that’s really lacking are really good opening and closing tracks, as “Modern Day Delilah” and “Say Yeah” are rather mediocre, respectively, in those roles. But, what’s in between is pretty good stuff—let’s hope we don’t have to wait 11 more years for the next one…
My grade: B-minus
13) Crazy Nights (1987) In spite of the title, a lot of Kiss fans weren’t crazy about Crazy Nights and even I didn’t much care for it—at first. But as time wore on, this record really grew on me, and there’s some pretty good stuff here, if you can get past the somewhat watered-down ’80s sheen applied to it by producer Ron Nevison. In fact, I rather liked the slickness and bigness of Crazy Nights, which sounded similar to Nevison’s previous high-profile projects, like Jefferson Starship's early '80s output, Ozzy Osbourne’s The Ultimate Sin in ‘86 and the self-titled major comeback album by Heart in ‘85. Oddly enough, some of Paul Stanley’s tunes fell flat this time, like “Crazy Crazy Nights”, “Bang Bang You” and “When Your Walls Come Down”, but he made up for those with some outstanding vocals on “I’ll Fight Hell To Hold You”, “Turn On The Night”, “Reason To Live” and “My Way” (no, not the Sinatra/Elvis song). Da boy musta been wearing tight pants in the studio, because I’d never heard him sing that high before—or since! Gene Simmons contributed a couple of underrated tracks as well, “Hell Or High Water”, “Good Girl Gone Bad” and the musical romp, “No, No, No”, the latter of which finally gave Bruce Kulick a chance to show off a little on lead guitar. Unfortunately, as good as the album was, the accompanying tour was quite possibly the worst in Kisstory, with the band playing short 75-minute sets as if they were double-parked outside the arena every night. Still, I like Crazy Nights, and every time I hear this album, it takes me back to the late ‘80s when I was 23 and working in radio and life was good—“for a limited time” (as the Rush song goes)…
My grade: B-minus
12) Hotter Than Hell (1974) It’s just a cryin’ shame that the first two Kiss albums sounded so amateurish because the hacks producing them (Kenny Kerner and Richie Wise) wouldn’t know good sound if it bit them in the ass. Like the first album, HTH had great songs on it, but I would like this album so much better if it didn’t sound like it was recorded in a mop bucket! Some people even go as far to say that HTH was the world’s first Grunge album, but I think they’re reaching a little. True, it did have a heavier sound than the first record, but that had more to do with the way Kerner and Wise slowed the pitch down on some songs (like the title track and “Parasite”) to the point where they just plod along instead of sounding bright and snappy like they do on Alive!. And I’d really like to know whose bright idea it was to chop “Let Me Go, Rock ‘N’ Roll” in half! The original demo for the song (found on the Kiss box set) contains the sloppy, yet spirited extended jam (which is the best part of the song, IMHO) just as they play it live in concert, but the Hotter Than Hell version got castrated into a two-minute single instead before the jam even starts—Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! A couple of songs on Hotter never really have registered with me—namely “Got To Choose” and “Goin’ Blind”—but Ace’s “Parasite” is one of my all-time Kiss faves, as is the title track, and I also really liked the under-the-radar stuff like “Comin’ Home”, “All The Way” and “Watchin’ You”. Good album that might have been a classic if it only had been recorded properly. It coulda been a contender...
My grade: B-minus for the material, D+ for the sound quality
11) Love Gun (1977) This one kinda snuck up on me—I wasn’t even aware it was due out when I saw it on display at the mall during the Major League Baseball All-Star Break in ’77. Love Gun basically was extra innings from where Rock And Roll Over left off in late ’76, and almost sounds in places like it might’ve been recorded during the same sessions. Sticking with the baseball motif, Paul Stanley—easily the finest lead-off hitter in the Kiss line-up—opened Side 1 with a solid line drive triple into the gap with “I Stole Your Love” and Side 2 with a grand slam on the title track. Meanwhile, first baseman Gene Simmons batted clean-up and drove in a few runs with a couple underrated classics of his own, namely “Got Love For Sale” (which even features the line “'cross your home plate”) and “Plaster Caster”, and he even scored a bloop-hit Top 40 single with “Christine Sixteen”. Designated hitter Ace Frehley nailed his third home run as a member of Kiss—“Parasite” and “Cold Gin” being the first two—by singing lead for the first time on “Shock Me”, while Catman shortstop Peter Criss tripped over his own tail rounding first base and got picked off on the rather lame “Hooligan”. “I got a ’35 Chevy on a ’55 frame…”—what the hell does that mean? Definitely not a vehicle I’d care to ride in! For those of you scoring at home, the rest of Love Gun included an infield single (“Almost Human”), one error (“Tomorrow And Tonight”) and only one strikeout (“Then She Kissed Me”) en route to the Kiss victory. Little did we know then that this would be the last time the original foursome were cooperating in the dugout/recording studio. Too bad Kiss never covered “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”, huh?
My grade: B
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
My Life In The Kiss Cult, Part C, Section 1
PART C: THE ALBUMS
A couple years ago, I ranked my 20 favorite Kiss songs of all-time, and now it’s high time I rank their albums. For the purposes of this countdown, I am ranking all Kiss studio albums (including the four solo albums from 1978), live albums and compilations that featured new material. Technically, 1978’s Double Platinum included new recordings like “Strutter ‘78”, but I discount it because the new recordings were just remakes of their older songs. And I should point out with the exception of #31, I don’t totally dislike any of the albums on this list—other than #31, they all have something to offer, even if it’s only one or two good tracks.
Cue Casey Kasem: “On with the countdown…”
31) Carnival of Souls (1997) In the words of the Wayans Bros.' “Men on Film”: “HATED it!” Of everything Kiss has ever released, Carnival of Souls is far and away the one album I had the most negative reaction to, and is the only one I have ever truly wanted my money back for. I heard the taster track “Jungle” on the radio in advance, and was hardly impressed with it, but I gave my favorite band of all-time the benefit of the doubt and later bought COS anyway. Alarm bells should’ve gone off in my head when the gnarly dude at Streetside Records proclaimed to me, “Oh, dude, they sound like Soundgarden now!” COS was basically Gene Simmons’ brainchild, and Paul Stanley was actually opposed to doing this type of album to begin with, later admitting in retrospect, “It was a labored attempt at something that I think was a big misstep,” giving it “Two stars.” I wouldn’t even give Souls a two-bit moon rock! You’d think Simmons and Stanley would’ve learned from the folly that was Music From The Elder 13 years before that trying to impress the critics is always an exercise in futility, and as with Elder, they had no business making this record. Kiss is a good-time Rock ‘N’ Roll band, not some dark, depressing, aimless moody group of disenfranchised slackers bedecked in flannel shirts and tuques. If this was the permanent direction this band was headed in during the mid-‘90s, then the reunion with Peter Criss and Ace Frehley didn’t come a minute too soon. Worst…Kiss…album…ever!
My grade: F-minus. Hell, I give this pile of iguana excrement a G!
30) Smashes Thrashes And Hits (1988) With a lame title like that, this thing was doomed from the start. I have never understood how if Kiss (or any other band, for that matter) is so proud of their previous musical output, then why do they feel the need to re-record/re-mix/re-dub some of their songs on a greatest hits package. I hated the way they butchered up “Love Gun” on here (the original track is a killer, so why screw with it?), not to mention the way they stabbed Peter Criss in the back by having the late Eric Carr lay down his own vocal on PC’s signature song, “Beth”. I don’t fault young master Carr here at all—he was desperate to get a lead vocal on a Kiss record, and even he had misgivings about doing “Beth”—but Gene and Paul totally crossed the line on this one and this is when I finally took notice of how petty these two can sometimes be. Of the two new tracks on Smashes, “Let’s Put The X In Sex” was pretty weak, although it got a lot of spins on MTV, but I did kinda like “(You Make Me) Rock Hard”. Unless you just have to have everything Kiss ever made, STAH is expendable.
My grade: D-minus, both for the content and the title.
29) You Wanted The Best, You've Got The Best!! (1996) I hesitated on whether to include this one or not, because it’s kind of a rip-off in a way, released as a stop-gap to capitalize on the momentum brought on by the 1996 Reunion Tour, since Kiss had no new material to put out. Comprised of actual cuts from and unreleased tracks that were recorded for Alive! and Alive II, YWTBYGTB holds my interest if only for the tracks that failed to make the cut on the first two live albums, namely “Let Me Know”, “Two Timer”, “Take Me” and “Room Service”, even though it’s pretty obvious the vocals were re-dubbed on those songs and the crowd noise was excessively amped-up. There’s also a ten-minute band interview with Jay Leno that almost sounded sincere at the time, but given all the rancor that’s occurred in Kiss the camp since then, it sounds like a load of spin-doctor hooey today.
My grade: D-minus
28) Peter Criss (1978) It’s no big secret that George Peter John Criscoula was never totally into the style of music that Kiss played. You might say the Catman sold out musically by joining the band (in exchange for fame and fortune), as he was more into soul and R&B and Sinatra and such. Pete also saw himself as more a crooner instead of a Rock singer on his solo album, which lagged way behind all three of his bandmates in terms of records sales and wasn’t well-received by Kiss fans in general. I think the biggest reason for this is pretty simple—it didn’t rock out enough! The material on it wasn’t all that wretched, but Peter kept trying to duplicate the phenomenal yet fluky success of “Beth” with way too many ballads. What few upbeat songs he did on here came across sounding like a poor man’s Eddie Money record, with the best tracks being “Hooked On Rock ‘N’ Roll” and a remake of Bobby Lewis “Tossin’ And Turnin”. Criss staunchly defends his Kiss solo album to this day, but I only found it mildly entertaining, at best. I get the impression that once he got that album out, he thought he’d morph into Rod Stewart and have a great solo career. Didn’t quite work that way...
My grade: D-minus.
27) Killers (1982) The early ‘80s were a confusing time for Kiss and their fans. Criss was replaced by Carr, then Ace Frehley left, but didn’t really leave right away, as he still appeared in videos and on album covers, and any number of lead guitarists made ghost appearances in his place on early ‘80s Kiss releases. Following the Elder debacle, Gene and Paul wisely decided that Kiss needed to return to what they do best—straight-ahead hard Rock—even though the group was in a state of flux at the time. Instead of a full-fledged new album, they took baby steps and recorded four new songs with Bob Kulick (Bruce’s bro) on lead guitar (even though Frehley appears on the cover again) as part of another best-of record, which initially was only available in Europe. My CD copy even has the German Kiss logo on it with the “SS” altered so as not to remind folks of the Holocaust. While the new tunes (“I’m A Legend Tonight”, “Down On Your Knees”, “Nowhere To Run” and “Partners In Crime”)—all sung by Stanley—were hardly earth-shattering, they were certainly a step in the right direction. Of the four, only “Partners” truly fell flat with me here. The best-of portion of the album was fairly predictable and not terribly concise.
My grade: D for the overall album, C-minus for the new songs.
26) Dynasty (1979) Dynasty was a victim of high-expectations, coming two years after the last full-length Kiss longplayer (when was the last time you heard or used that term?), Love Gun. Though not outwardly-apparent to fans, the band was coming apart at the seams by then, to the point where Peter Criss had to be replaced by future David Letterman band drummer Anton Fig for the sessions. Ace Frehley, whose confidence and stature were greatly bolstered by the unexpected success of his solo record, also felt like he was on a leash during this time, and was no doubt frustrated that he couldn’t flex his muscles more. Even though some of the material on Dynasty was quite good, this album just didn’t feel like a group effort to me. In a similar dynamic to the Beatles’ White Album, it was more like each band member acted as a session player for the others. Ace turned in a nice cover of the Rolling Stones’ “2000 Man” and his closing track, “Save Your Love” was probably the edgiest tune here, while Paul’s “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” and “Sure Know Something” have both aged remarkably well in the last 30 years. Simmons was strangely subdued on Dynasty and didn’t even sing on Side 1 (back when albums had sides, remember kids?) and only contributed two fairly average songs overall (“Charisma” and “X-Ray Eyes”). They also threw the Cat a bone by doing Peter’s “Dirty Livin’”, which might well be the lamest song Criss ever recorded on a Kiss album. It also didn’t help that they brought in Vini Poncia to produce. Vincenzo did a nice job working with Ringo Starr, et al, and managed to somehow salvage Peter’s solo album, but his Pop music leanings didn’t serve Kiss all that well. Even the cover photo seemed unimaginative, considering the killer album jackets that preceded it, namely Destroyer, Love Gun and Rock And Roll Over, et al.
My grade: D-plus.
25) Gene Simmons (1978) Our favorite Demon will never get it through his thick skull that bigger isn’t necessarily better, and he proved that on his solo record, which was easily the most unfocused of the four. Gene decided to show off his star power by bringing in as many guest musicians as he could—Bob Seger, Joe Perry of Aerosmith, Janis Ian (?!?), Skunk Baxter from the Doobie Bros., Donna Summer (?!?), Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick, among others, and of course Cher (?!?), whom he was dating at the time. Hell, for all we know, Simmons might’ve brought in the Kingston Trio, Liberace and Dr. Johnny Fever’s fictitious Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir, if he had the chance! The result was a strange, inconsistent mish-mash of an album that left most Kiss fans scratching their heads, especially over the closing track where Gene warbles Jiminy Cricket’s “When You Wish Upon A Star”. My initial reaction was something like, “This was the same guy who wrote ‘I’m 93, you’re 16’ and ‘Get up, and get your grandma outta here!’?!?” To be fair, Simmons actually wrote some pretty decent songs here, like “Man of 1,000 Faces”, “See You Tonite” and “Radioactive”, and he even showed us an impressive vocal range we’d not heard from him before. However, as with Peter’s album, the big stumbling block was that Gene didn’t rock out enough and I think if he’d just added a bit more edge to those three songs and the rest of the record, it would’ve been better received. Instead he waited until the next-to-last track, “See You In Your Dreams” (with Nielsen on lead guitar) to finally put the hammer down, and even that was a remake of a two-year-old Kiss song, the original of which I much prefer over Gene's version.
My grade: D-plus.
24) Unmasked (1980) Considered by many to be the wimpiest Kiss album of all-time, I hold Unmasked in slightly higher regard than that. The songs herein aren’t bad at all, in reality—it was just the execution of them that was lacking. Even though he appears on the album jacket, Peter Criss was all but out of the band by this time, replaced again by Anton Fig in the studio. And once again, Vini Poncia produced, and given his Pop tendencies that I mentioned earlier, he rendered Kiss to be very watered-down on Unmasked, to the point where they sounded more like Toto or an edgy Pablo Cruise. Paul’s ballad “Shandi” wound up being the Starchild’s “Beth”, so to speak, yielding a huge fluke hit (overseas, anyway), and “What Makes The World Go ‘Round” had single written all over it too. Ace Frehley contributed three decent (if not spectacular) tracks, “Two Sides Of The Coin”, “Talk To Me” and the goofy “Torpedo Girl”, but they paled in comparison to the material on his solo album. And like on Dynasty, Simmons was fairly subdued again, sounding almost Billy Joel-like on “She’s So European”, but I rather liked “Naked City” and his closing track “You’re All That I Want”. All in all, Unmasked was a really good album. It just wasn’t a really good Kiss album…
My grade: C-minus.
23) Psycho Circus (1998) As was the case with Dynasty, this was hardly a group effort at all, contrary to what we were led to believe at the time. This was an original-foursome Kiss album in name only, and what could’ve been one of the greatest comeback albums of all-time wound up being a disappointing and (at times) half-baked effort from what used to be the Hottest Band In The World. Apart from Frehley’s “Into The Void”, Paul Stanley’s tunes were the only ones worthy of mention, especially the title track, “Raise Your Glasses” and “I Pledge Allegiance To The State Of Rock ‘N’ Roll.” In a half-hearted attempt to create a “group” feel, the song “You Wanted The Best” featured all four band members trading vocal lines, but it came off seeming hollow and contrived. Gene Simmons’ cuts on Psycho Circus were the most disappointing of all, with a couple of them seeming like they weren’t totally fleshed-out, especially the closing track, “Journey of 1,000 Years” that intoned “Can you feel it coming?” and sounded like it was building up to something climactic, only to peter out in midstream. Overall, Circus was truly a case of what might have been…
My grade: C-minus
22) Music From The Elder (1981) Late 1981 was certainly a different world from the days of “Parasite”, “Black Diamond” and “C’Mon And Love Me”, as Kiss set about to win music critics over with a concept album whose concept even the band themselves didn’t fully understand—shades of Pete Townshend’s ever-elusive Lifehouse project with The Who. Originally conceived by Simmons and further proliferated by producer Bob Ezrin, The Elder was ostensibly going to be the soundtrack to a Lord Of The Rings/Harry Potter-ish movie that was never made. Newly-initiated drummer Eric Carr (rest his soul) must’ve wondered what on earth he’d gotten himself into what with this weird album in the works and Ace Frehley quickly fading to the background in Kiss. Space Ace was so disenchanted with the project that he pretty much phoned his parts in, and only contributed one song to the album, the so-so “Dark Light”. Even Carr was excused for one track, “I”, in favor of a session drummer because he struggled with the time signature on it, yet Eric was able to play it perfectly fine live on ABC’s “Fridays” show some months later. They did the same thing with Peter Criss on Dynasty—he was deemed unfit to play on the record, yet he could tour and play the same songs live with no problem—I’ve never understood all that. Anyway, in spite of Paul Stanley singing about a “child in a sun dress” and other fantasy-world frou-frou, I have a soft spot in my heart for Elder because Kiss was showing signs of breaking out of their wimpy malaise with harder-hitting tracks like “The Oath”, “Escape From The Island” and “I”, and at the end of the latter song, Gene even proclaims “I wanna Rock and Roll all night…”—a good omen for the future. Music From The Elder nearly killed this band and was probably its worst failure, but it was a brilliant failure, all the same. And naturally, the critics liked it. Of course they would…
My grade: C-minus
21) Kiss Symphony-Alive IV (2003) Kiss took an odd little side trip (both musically and geographically) in early ’03 when they headed to the Land of Foster’s, and rounded up the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra for a night of high-brow Kiss music. Alive IV marked the recorded debut of Tommy Thayer in place of the Space Ace, and the ever-so-brief return and (as it turned out) the final appearance of Peter Criss as a member of Kiss. The first segment of the show was just the band itself rocking out, followed by an “unplugged” set, of sorts, augmented by the Melbourne Symphony Ensemble, during which Criss crooned “Beth” with real string accompaniment instead of the usual studio backing track. Paul Stanley performed “Sure Know Something” and “Shandi”, the latter of which was a huge hit in Oz back in 1980, and Gene even dug up “Goin’ Blind” for the brief middle set. Then they finished off the show with the full-blown Melbourne Symphony Orchestra (all wearing Kiss make-up) and while I usually prefer my Kiss music straight, it was a nifty little diversion to hear horns and strings and such backing up tunes like “Detroit Rock City” and “I Was Made For Lovin’ You”. The DVD is even more fun because you can watch these Classically-trained musicians having fun playing Rock ‘N’ Roll, all the while sporting Kiss make-up. I was personally rather smitten by the Concertmaster violinist chick just to Peter Criss’ right who actually managed to look cute in Gene’s make-up! As is the case with Halloween, though, Symphony was great fun for one night, but I’m glad Kiss didn’t try to do like the Moody Blues and tote an entire philharmonic around on tour with them.
My grade: C
Twenty more Kiss LPs still to come—keep your feet on the ground and keep reachin' for cigars...
A couple years ago, I ranked my 20 favorite Kiss songs of all-time, and now it’s high time I rank their albums. For the purposes of this countdown, I am ranking all Kiss studio albums (including the four solo albums from 1978), live albums and compilations that featured new material. Technically, 1978’s Double Platinum included new recordings like “Strutter ‘78”, but I discount it because the new recordings were just remakes of their older songs. And I should point out with the exception of #31, I don’t totally dislike any of the albums on this list—other than #31, they all have something to offer, even if it’s only one or two good tracks.
Cue Casey Kasem: “On with the countdown…”
31) Carnival of Souls (1997) In the words of the Wayans Bros.' “Men on Film”: “HATED it!” Of everything Kiss has ever released, Carnival of Souls is far and away the one album I had the most negative reaction to, and is the only one I have ever truly wanted my money back for. I heard the taster track “Jungle” on the radio in advance, and was hardly impressed with it, but I gave my favorite band of all-time the benefit of the doubt and later bought COS anyway. Alarm bells should’ve gone off in my head when the gnarly dude at Streetside Records proclaimed to me, “Oh, dude, they sound like Soundgarden now!” COS was basically Gene Simmons’ brainchild, and Paul Stanley was actually opposed to doing this type of album to begin with, later admitting in retrospect, “It was a labored attempt at something that I think was a big misstep,” giving it “Two stars.” I wouldn’t even give Souls a two-bit moon rock! You’d think Simmons and Stanley would’ve learned from the folly that was Music From The Elder 13 years before that trying to impress the critics is always an exercise in futility, and as with Elder, they had no business making this record. Kiss is a good-time Rock ‘N’ Roll band, not some dark, depressing, aimless moody group of disenfranchised slackers bedecked in flannel shirts and tuques. If this was the permanent direction this band was headed in during the mid-‘90s, then the reunion with Peter Criss and Ace Frehley didn’t come a minute too soon. Worst…Kiss…album…ever!
My grade: F-minus. Hell, I give this pile of iguana excrement a G!
30) Smashes Thrashes And Hits (1988) With a lame title like that, this thing was doomed from the start. I have never understood how if Kiss (or any other band, for that matter) is so proud of their previous musical output, then why do they feel the need to re-record/re-mix/re-dub some of their songs on a greatest hits package. I hated the way they butchered up “Love Gun” on here (the original track is a killer, so why screw with it?), not to mention the way they stabbed Peter Criss in the back by having the late Eric Carr lay down his own vocal on PC’s signature song, “Beth”. I don’t fault young master Carr here at all—he was desperate to get a lead vocal on a Kiss record, and even he had misgivings about doing “Beth”—but Gene and Paul totally crossed the line on this one and this is when I finally took notice of how petty these two can sometimes be. Of the two new tracks on Smashes, “Let’s Put The X In Sex” was pretty weak, although it got a lot of spins on MTV, but I did kinda like “(You Make Me) Rock Hard”. Unless you just have to have everything Kiss ever made, STAH is expendable.
My grade: D-minus, both for the content and the title.
29) You Wanted The Best, You've Got The Best!! (1996) I hesitated on whether to include this one or not, because it’s kind of a rip-off in a way, released as a stop-gap to capitalize on the momentum brought on by the 1996 Reunion Tour, since Kiss had no new material to put out. Comprised of actual cuts from and unreleased tracks that were recorded for Alive! and Alive II, YWTBYGTB holds my interest if only for the tracks that failed to make the cut on the first two live albums, namely “Let Me Know”, “Two Timer”, “Take Me” and “Room Service”, even though it’s pretty obvious the vocals were re-dubbed on those songs and the crowd noise was excessively amped-up. There’s also a ten-minute band interview with Jay Leno that almost sounded sincere at the time, but given all the rancor that’s occurred in Kiss the camp since then, it sounds like a load of spin-doctor hooey today.
My grade: D-minus
28) Peter Criss (1978) It’s no big secret that George Peter John Criscoula was never totally into the style of music that Kiss played. You might say the Catman sold out musically by joining the band (in exchange for fame and fortune), as he was more into soul and R&B and Sinatra and such. Pete also saw himself as more a crooner instead of a Rock singer on his solo album, which lagged way behind all three of his bandmates in terms of records sales and wasn’t well-received by Kiss fans in general. I think the biggest reason for this is pretty simple—it didn’t rock out enough! The material on it wasn’t all that wretched, but Peter kept trying to duplicate the phenomenal yet fluky success of “Beth” with way too many ballads. What few upbeat songs he did on here came across sounding like a poor man’s Eddie Money record, with the best tracks being “Hooked On Rock ‘N’ Roll” and a remake of Bobby Lewis “Tossin’ And Turnin”. Criss staunchly defends his Kiss solo album to this day, but I only found it mildly entertaining, at best. I get the impression that once he got that album out, he thought he’d morph into Rod Stewart and have a great solo career. Didn’t quite work that way...
My grade: D-minus.
27) Killers (1982) The early ‘80s were a confusing time for Kiss and their fans. Criss was replaced by Carr, then Ace Frehley left, but didn’t really leave right away, as he still appeared in videos and on album covers, and any number of lead guitarists made ghost appearances in his place on early ‘80s Kiss releases. Following the Elder debacle, Gene and Paul wisely decided that Kiss needed to return to what they do best—straight-ahead hard Rock—even though the group was in a state of flux at the time. Instead of a full-fledged new album, they took baby steps and recorded four new songs with Bob Kulick (Bruce’s bro) on lead guitar (even though Frehley appears on the cover again) as part of another best-of record, which initially was only available in Europe. My CD copy even has the German Kiss logo on it with the “SS” altered so as not to remind folks of the Holocaust. While the new tunes (“I’m A Legend Tonight”, “Down On Your Knees”, “Nowhere To Run” and “Partners In Crime”)—all sung by Stanley—were hardly earth-shattering, they were certainly a step in the right direction. Of the four, only “Partners” truly fell flat with me here. The best-of portion of the album was fairly predictable and not terribly concise.
My grade: D for the overall album, C-minus for the new songs.
26) Dynasty (1979) Dynasty was a victim of high-expectations, coming two years after the last full-length Kiss longplayer (when was the last time you heard or used that term?), Love Gun. Though not outwardly-apparent to fans, the band was coming apart at the seams by then, to the point where Peter Criss had to be replaced by future David Letterman band drummer Anton Fig for the sessions. Ace Frehley, whose confidence and stature were greatly bolstered by the unexpected success of his solo record, also felt like he was on a leash during this time, and was no doubt frustrated that he couldn’t flex his muscles more. Even though some of the material on Dynasty was quite good, this album just didn’t feel like a group effort to me. In a similar dynamic to the Beatles’ White Album, it was more like each band member acted as a session player for the others. Ace turned in a nice cover of the Rolling Stones’ “2000 Man” and his closing track, “Save Your Love” was probably the edgiest tune here, while Paul’s “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” and “Sure Know Something” have both aged remarkably well in the last 30 years. Simmons was strangely subdued on Dynasty and didn’t even sing on Side 1 (back when albums had sides, remember kids?) and only contributed two fairly average songs overall (“Charisma” and “X-Ray Eyes”). They also threw the Cat a bone by doing Peter’s “Dirty Livin’”, which might well be the lamest song Criss ever recorded on a Kiss album. It also didn’t help that they brought in Vini Poncia to produce. Vincenzo did a nice job working with Ringo Starr, et al, and managed to somehow salvage Peter’s solo album, but his Pop music leanings didn’t serve Kiss all that well. Even the cover photo seemed unimaginative, considering the killer album jackets that preceded it, namely Destroyer, Love Gun and Rock And Roll Over, et al.
My grade: D-plus.
25) Gene Simmons (1978) Our favorite Demon will never get it through his thick skull that bigger isn’t necessarily better, and he proved that on his solo record, which was easily the most unfocused of the four. Gene decided to show off his star power by bringing in as many guest musicians as he could—Bob Seger, Joe Perry of Aerosmith, Janis Ian (?!?), Skunk Baxter from the Doobie Bros., Donna Summer (?!?), Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick, among others, and of course Cher (?!?), whom he was dating at the time. Hell, for all we know, Simmons might’ve brought in the Kingston Trio, Liberace and Dr. Johnny Fever’s fictitious Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir, if he had the chance! The result was a strange, inconsistent mish-mash of an album that left most Kiss fans scratching their heads, especially over the closing track where Gene warbles Jiminy Cricket’s “When You Wish Upon A Star”. My initial reaction was something like, “This was the same guy who wrote ‘I’m 93, you’re 16’ and ‘Get up, and get your grandma outta here!’?!?” To be fair, Simmons actually wrote some pretty decent songs here, like “Man of 1,000 Faces”, “See You Tonite” and “Radioactive”, and he even showed us an impressive vocal range we’d not heard from him before. However, as with Peter’s album, the big stumbling block was that Gene didn’t rock out enough and I think if he’d just added a bit more edge to those three songs and the rest of the record, it would’ve been better received. Instead he waited until the next-to-last track, “See You In Your Dreams” (with Nielsen on lead guitar) to finally put the hammer down, and even that was a remake of a two-year-old Kiss song, the original of which I much prefer over Gene's version.
My grade: D-plus.
24) Unmasked (1980) Considered by many to be the wimpiest Kiss album of all-time, I hold Unmasked in slightly higher regard than that. The songs herein aren’t bad at all, in reality—it was just the execution of them that was lacking. Even though he appears on the album jacket, Peter Criss was all but out of the band by this time, replaced again by Anton Fig in the studio. And once again, Vini Poncia produced, and given his Pop tendencies that I mentioned earlier, he rendered Kiss to be very watered-down on Unmasked, to the point where they sounded more like Toto or an edgy Pablo Cruise. Paul’s ballad “Shandi” wound up being the Starchild’s “Beth”, so to speak, yielding a huge fluke hit (overseas, anyway), and “What Makes The World Go ‘Round” had single written all over it too. Ace Frehley contributed three decent (if not spectacular) tracks, “Two Sides Of The Coin”, “Talk To Me” and the goofy “Torpedo Girl”, but they paled in comparison to the material on his solo album. And like on Dynasty, Simmons was fairly subdued again, sounding almost Billy Joel-like on “She’s So European”, but I rather liked “Naked City” and his closing track “You’re All That I Want”. All in all, Unmasked was a really good album. It just wasn’t a really good Kiss album…
My grade: C-minus.
23) Psycho Circus (1998) As was the case with Dynasty, this was hardly a group effort at all, contrary to what we were led to believe at the time. This was an original-foursome Kiss album in name only, and what could’ve been one of the greatest comeback albums of all-time wound up being a disappointing and (at times) half-baked effort from what used to be the Hottest Band In The World. Apart from Frehley’s “Into The Void”, Paul Stanley’s tunes were the only ones worthy of mention, especially the title track, “Raise Your Glasses” and “I Pledge Allegiance To The State Of Rock ‘N’ Roll.” In a half-hearted attempt to create a “group” feel, the song “You Wanted The Best” featured all four band members trading vocal lines, but it came off seeming hollow and contrived. Gene Simmons’ cuts on Psycho Circus were the most disappointing of all, with a couple of them seeming like they weren’t totally fleshed-out, especially the closing track, “Journey of 1,000 Years” that intoned “Can you feel it coming?” and sounded like it was building up to something climactic, only to peter out in midstream. Overall, Circus was truly a case of what might have been…
My grade: C-minus
22) Music From The Elder (1981) Late 1981 was certainly a different world from the days of “Parasite”, “Black Diamond” and “C’Mon And Love Me”, as Kiss set about to win music critics over with a concept album whose concept even the band themselves didn’t fully understand—shades of Pete Townshend’s ever-elusive Lifehouse project with The Who. Originally conceived by Simmons and further proliferated by producer Bob Ezrin, The Elder was ostensibly going to be the soundtrack to a Lord Of The Rings/Harry Potter-ish movie that was never made. Newly-initiated drummer Eric Carr (rest his soul) must’ve wondered what on earth he’d gotten himself into what with this weird album in the works and Ace Frehley quickly fading to the background in Kiss. Space Ace was so disenchanted with the project that he pretty much phoned his parts in, and only contributed one song to the album, the so-so “Dark Light”. Even Carr was excused for one track, “I”, in favor of a session drummer because he struggled with the time signature on it, yet Eric was able to play it perfectly fine live on ABC’s “Fridays” show some months later. They did the same thing with Peter Criss on Dynasty—he was deemed unfit to play on the record, yet he could tour and play the same songs live with no problem—I’ve never understood all that. Anyway, in spite of Paul Stanley singing about a “child in a sun dress” and other fantasy-world frou-frou, I have a soft spot in my heart for Elder because Kiss was showing signs of breaking out of their wimpy malaise with harder-hitting tracks like “The Oath”, “Escape From The Island” and “I”, and at the end of the latter song, Gene even proclaims “I wanna Rock and Roll all night…”—a good omen for the future. Music From The Elder nearly killed this band and was probably its worst failure, but it was a brilliant failure, all the same. And naturally, the critics liked it. Of course they would…
My grade: C-minus
21) Kiss Symphony-Alive IV (2003) Kiss took an odd little side trip (both musically and geographically) in early ’03 when they headed to the Land of Foster’s, and rounded up the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra for a night of high-brow Kiss music. Alive IV marked the recorded debut of Tommy Thayer in place of the Space Ace, and the ever-so-brief return and (as it turned out) the final appearance of Peter Criss as a member of Kiss. The first segment of the show was just the band itself rocking out, followed by an “unplugged” set, of sorts, augmented by the Melbourne Symphony Ensemble, during which Criss crooned “Beth” with real string accompaniment instead of the usual studio backing track. Paul Stanley performed “Sure Know Something” and “Shandi”, the latter of which was a huge hit in Oz back in 1980, and Gene even dug up “Goin’ Blind” for the brief middle set. Then they finished off the show with the full-blown Melbourne Symphony Orchestra (all wearing Kiss make-up) and while I usually prefer my Kiss music straight, it was a nifty little diversion to hear horns and strings and such backing up tunes like “Detroit Rock City” and “I Was Made For Lovin’ You”. The DVD is even more fun because you can watch these Classically-trained musicians having fun playing Rock ‘N’ Roll, all the while sporting Kiss make-up. I was personally rather smitten by the Concertmaster violinist chick just to Peter Criss’ right who actually managed to look cute in Gene’s make-up! As is the case with Halloween, though, Symphony was great fun for one night, but I’m glad Kiss didn’t try to do like the Moody Blues and tote an entire philharmonic around on tour with them.
My grade: C
Twenty more Kiss LPs still to come—keep your feet on the ground and keep reachin' for cigars...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Meaty, Beaty, Big & Bloggy
IT’S HER PITY-PARTY, AND SHE’LL WHINE IF SHE WANTS TO…
In one of her more underrated songs, Pat Benatar once sang “You’ve got a burning desire to be the victim…” and that pretty much sums up Sarah Palin these days, because she’s milking her woe-is-me card for all it’s worth as she makes the rounds on the talk-show circuit plugging her new book. In it, Miss Winky-Dink predictably pisses and moans that Katie Couric was a big meanie to her in that infamous interview last fall, and that the so-called “liberal media” in general is out to get her. And now she’s bitching that the cover featuring her on the current issue of Newsweek is “sexist”—as if someone forced her at gunpoint to pose in those running shorts smiling from ear-to-ear. Sweetheart, if you really wanna be President, you need to knock off the drama queen histrionics and develop a thicker skin than this. She’s a politician, and by definition, a politician has critics, enemies and others looking to tear him/her down—it comes with the territory. What kind of a leader can she be when all she’s worried about is how the media treats her? In the eloquent words of Stewie Griffin, “Go suck on a railroad spike!”
DROWNING IN THE PREJEAN POOL
Anyone else out there as tired as I am already of this prissy Carrie Prejean Miss California prima donna? She got all huffy at Larry King last week as he hurled his usual softball questions at her, which she deemed “inappropriate” and walked off the set in mid-show. Meanwhile, it seems that not one, but eight some-odd videos have surfaced from her past of Prejean masturbating on camera, which naturally prompts little ol’ me to ask who the hell is Miss Homophobe to judge anyone’s else’s sexuality? And like Sarah Palin, she just loves to play the victim card too, saying the media has screwed her over. Uhhh, sounds to me more like she pretty much screwed herself, just like in her videos! Don’t go away mad, Carrie, just go away…
CIVILITY, THE LOST ART
I wish I’d written the following letter I read in the Op-Ed page of the K.C. Star this week authored by one Phil Kline of Gladstone, MO about the decline of constructive debate in our society:
“I decided to try an experiment. My idea was to watch CNN, MSNBC, and Fox between the hours of 5PM and 8PM. I would change channels when any of our highly revered public servants or the analysts who try to help us make sense of governance, got to shouting in brazen interruption of each other. Result: The battery for my remote is now dead, the logo is rubbed off the channel button, and I’ve made an appointment for my carpel tunnel surgery…Honestly, my pit bull displays more civility and social grace than do our leaders. Once Americans could listen, consider and converse. It appears now that we have descended into the pit of automatic contentiousness and programmed vilification.”
Nicely put, Mr. Kline. Unfortunately, all the rancor, shouting and bitch-slapping on political talk shows makes for great theater (albeit of the absurd), thus translating into high Nielsen ratings, hence why the networks encourage it and why it ain’t going away any time soon.
MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE (AGAIN!)
The ever-Flatulent One, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock, has struck once again. In today’s column, he claims the reason why the Kansas University football team is having a bad season (they’ve dropped five straight games after starting 5-0) is because their head coach, Mark Mangino, is too fat. This coming from a guy who would need to remove all the padding to (barely) fit into the McDonald’s Grimace costume! While it’s true that Mangino is a massive myocardial infarction just waiting to happen—he easily weighs 400 pounds—and I do agree that he needs to take a little better care of himself (like I’m one to talk), this may well be Whitlock’s most bizarre claim in his 15 years at the paper.
According to Whitlock: “The weight and the stress (of coaching) form a perfect recipe for depression. They can put your mind in a very negative place. They can make you moody and volatile…Mangino coaches from an angry place.” Hmmm, that didn’t seem to be a problem for anyone a couple years back when KU won the Orange Bowl over Virginia Tech, or when they hammered Nebraska for the first time since I was a small child. Whitlock went on to add, “If he spent two years away from football addressing his weight problem, applied for a job at 270 pounds, he would be a can’t miss BCS candidate. Heck, he would be a terrific choice to coach in the NFL. Every problem he experienced at Kansas could be blamed on his weight.” So, based on Jason’s twisted logic, if he himself would drop about 125 pounds, then his daily columns might be infinitely more insightful and thought-provoking than this heaping pile of yak droppings.
DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
… why does the media constantly report what Oprah Tweets, and why does Oprah even need to be on Twitter in the first place? She’s already the most powerful woman in America with a media empire that includes the most-watched daily talk show in the free world and a magazine named after herself—it ain’t as if she doesn’t already have a big enough forum/platform/outlet to make herself be heard…
KEN OBER, 1957-2009
Ken Ober, the host of MTV’s game show parody “Remote Control”, was an unexpected casualty this week from undisclosed causes. RC was one of the first non-music video programs that MTV ran in the late ‘80s, and it was pretty funny for the first year or so, but as usual with MTV from the late ‘80s onward, everything they touched turned to shit, and “Remote” was eventually neutered and rendered unwatchable by the end of its run. Rest in peace, Ken.
MOVIE REVIEW: MY SISTER’S KEEPER
I watched this one last night and found it mildly interesting. It’s the story of a young girl whom her parents gave birth to in order to have potential bone marrow donor for her older sister who was stricken with leukemia. When the younger girl gets old enough to realize she’s being used as a human pin cushion to save her sister, she rebels and attempts to emancipate herself from further invasive procedures on her own body by taking legal action against her parents, in particular, her obsessive be-yotch mother, played by the grossly-overrated Cameron Diaz. A rather convoluted, but apparently true, story—the movie had some good plot twists here and there, but the negative undertone throughout really bogged it down for me, as did how the film kept skipping back-and-forth in time with too many confusing flashbacks.
I do especially give kudos to young actress Sofia Vassilieva (from NBC's “Medium”) for daring to have her head (and eyebrows) shaved for the role of the cancer girl. Dakota Fanning was originally slated for the part, but bailed when they wouldn’t let her fake it with a bald-cap. Just as well—Fanning can’t act her way out of a paper bag anyway, as her only discernable talent is screaming hysterically, but I digress. Miss Sofia, who resembles a young Molly Ringwald with no hair in the movie, stepped up to the plate and made a brave sacrifice—pretty gutsy for a teenage girl. On the other hand, Diaz—a highly-paid grown woman—apparently didn’t have the balls to do the same, so she took the wussy way out by wearing a bald-cap when her character shaved her own head out of sympathy for her daughter. Unlike Sofia, Diaz’s “baldness” looked so phony—the bald cap made her head look twice as big, sorta like the humanoids on that “Alien Nation” show, minus the leopard spots. And even then, Diaz only appears “bald” in one brief scene as apparently her hair miraculously grew back overnight—so much for continuity—while young Sofia bares her head throughout practically the entire film. You go, girl!
As for the film itself, I give it about a 5.
GLAD I DIDN’T BET THE FARM…
…that they’d give the AL Cy Young Award to C.C. Sabathia, like I thought they would instead of the Royals’ Zack Greinke. It’s refreshing to see the East Coast Bias take a holiday for a change…
ANY PORT IN THE STORM?
It didn’t take long for former Chef Larry Johnson to get snapped up this week by the Cincinnati Bungholes, aka Rap Sheets ‘R Us, a team LJ should fit right in with. Since his last name is Johnson, #27 will no doubt go the Chad Ocho-Stinko route and legally change his name to Dos-Siete.
WORLD’S DUMBEST SONG LYRICS
“I Knew You Were Waiting For Me”—ARETHA FRANKLIN/GEORGE MICHAEL (1987) Haven’t done one of these in a while, but I heard this one again the other day: “Like a warrior that fights…” As opposed to a warrior that doesn’t fight? I believe that’s what they call a pacifist…
In one of her more underrated songs, Pat Benatar once sang “You’ve got a burning desire to be the victim…” and that pretty much sums up Sarah Palin these days, because she’s milking her woe-is-me card for all it’s worth as she makes the rounds on the talk-show circuit plugging her new book. In it, Miss Winky-Dink predictably pisses and moans that Katie Couric was a big meanie to her in that infamous interview last fall, and that the so-called “liberal media” in general is out to get her. And now she’s bitching that the cover featuring her on the current issue of Newsweek is “sexist”—as if someone forced her at gunpoint to pose in those running shorts smiling from ear-to-ear. Sweetheart, if you really wanna be President, you need to knock off the drama queen histrionics and develop a thicker skin than this. She’s a politician, and by definition, a politician has critics, enemies and others looking to tear him/her down—it comes with the territory. What kind of a leader can she be when all she’s worried about is how the media treats her? In the eloquent words of Stewie Griffin, “Go suck on a railroad spike!”
DROWNING IN THE PREJEAN POOL
Anyone else out there as tired as I am already of this prissy Carrie Prejean Miss California prima donna? She got all huffy at Larry King last week as he hurled his usual softball questions at her, which she deemed “inappropriate” and walked off the set in mid-show. Meanwhile, it seems that not one, but eight some-odd videos have surfaced from her past of Prejean masturbating on camera, which naturally prompts little ol’ me to ask who the hell is Miss Homophobe to judge anyone’s else’s sexuality? And like Sarah Palin, she just loves to play the victim card too, saying the media has screwed her over. Uhhh, sounds to me more like she pretty much screwed herself, just like in her videos! Don’t go away mad, Carrie, just go away…
CIVILITY, THE LOST ART
I wish I’d written the following letter I read in the Op-Ed page of the K.C. Star this week authored by one Phil Kline of Gladstone, MO about the decline of constructive debate in our society:
“I decided to try an experiment. My idea was to watch CNN, MSNBC, and Fox between the hours of 5PM and 8PM. I would change channels when any of our highly revered public servants or the analysts who try to help us make sense of governance, got to shouting in brazen interruption of each other. Result: The battery for my remote is now dead, the logo is rubbed off the channel button, and I’ve made an appointment for my carpel tunnel surgery…Honestly, my pit bull displays more civility and social grace than do our leaders. Once Americans could listen, consider and converse. It appears now that we have descended into the pit of automatic contentiousness and programmed vilification.”
Nicely put, Mr. Kline. Unfortunately, all the rancor, shouting and bitch-slapping on political talk shows makes for great theater (albeit of the absurd), thus translating into high Nielsen ratings, hence why the networks encourage it and why it ain’t going away any time soon.
MR. POT, MEET MR. KETTLE (AGAIN!)
The ever-Flatulent One, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock, has struck once again. In today’s column, he claims the reason why the Kansas University football team is having a bad season (they’ve dropped five straight games after starting 5-0) is because their head coach, Mark Mangino, is too fat. This coming from a guy who would need to remove all the padding to (barely) fit into the McDonald’s Grimace costume! While it’s true that Mangino is a massive myocardial infarction just waiting to happen—he easily weighs 400 pounds—and I do agree that he needs to take a little better care of himself (like I’m one to talk), this may well be Whitlock’s most bizarre claim in his 15 years at the paper.According to Whitlock: “The weight and the stress (of coaching) form a perfect recipe for depression. They can put your mind in a very negative place. They can make you moody and volatile…Mangino coaches from an angry place.” Hmmm, that didn’t seem to be a problem for anyone a couple years back when KU won the Orange Bowl over Virginia Tech, or when they hammered Nebraska for the first time since I was a small child. Whitlock went on to add, “If he spent two years away from football addressing his weight problem, applied for a job at 270 pounds, he would be a can’t miss BCS candidate. Heck, he would be a terrific choice to coach in the NFL. Every problem he experienced at Kansas could be blamed on his weight.” So, based on Jason’s twisted logic, if he himself would drop about 125 pounds, then his daily columns might be infinitely more insightful and thought-provoking than this heaping pile of yak droppings.
DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
… why does the media constantly report what Oprah Tweets, and why does Oprah even need to be on Twitter in the first place? She’s already the most powerful woman in America with a media empire that includes the most-watched daily talk show in the free world and a magazine named after herself—it ain’t as if she doesn’t already have a big enough forum/platform/outlet to make herself be heard…
KEN OBER, 1957-2009
Ken Ober, the host of MTV’s game show parody “Remote Control”, was an unexpected casualty this week from undisclosed causes. RC was one of the first non-music video programs that MTV ran in the late ‘80s, and it was pretty funny for the first year or so, but as usual with MTV from the late ‘80s onward, everything they touched turned to shit, and “Remote” was eventually neutered and rendered unwatchable by the end of its run. Rest in peace, Ken.
MOVIE REVIEW: MY SISTER’S KEEPER
I watched this one last night and found it mildly interesting. It’s the story of a young girl whom her parents gave birth to in order to have potential bone marrow donor for her older sister who was stricken with leukemia. When the younger girl gets old enough to realize she’s being used as a human pin cushion to save her sister, she rebels and attempts to emancipate herself from further invasive procedures on her own body by taking legal action against her parents, in particular, her obsessive be-yotch mother, played by the grossly-overrated Cameron Diaz. A rather convoluted, but apparently true, story—the movie had some good plot twists here and there, but the negative undertone throughout really bogged it down for me, as did how the film kept skipping back-and-forth in time with too many confusing flashbacks.
I do especially give kudos to young actress Sofia Vassilieva (from NBC's “Medium”) for daring to have her head (and eyebrows) shaved for the role of the cancer girl. Dakota Fanning was originally slated for the part, but bailed when they wouldn’t let her fake it with a bald-cap. Just as well—Fanning can’t act her way out of a paper bag anyway, as her only discernable talent is screaming hysterically, but I digress. Miss Sofia, who resembles a young Molly Ringwald with no hair in the movie, stepped up to the plate and made a brave sacrifice—pretty gutsy for a teenage girl. On the other hand, Diaz—a highly-paid grown woman—apparently didn’t have the balls to do the same, so she took the wussy way out by wearing a bald-cap when her character shaved her own head out of sympathy for her daughter. Unlike Sofia, Diaz’s “baldness” looked so phony—the bald cap made her head look twice as big, sorta like the humanoids on that “Alien Nation” show, minus the leopard spots. And even then, Diaz only appears “bald” in one brief scene as apparently her hair miraculously grew back overnight—so much for continuity—while young Sofia bares her head throughout practically the entire film. You go, girl!
As for the film itself, I give it about a 5.
GLAD I DIDN’T BET THE FARM…
…that they’d give the AL Cy Young Award to C.C. Sabathia, like I thought they would instead of the Royals’ Zack Greinke. It’s refreshing to see the East Coast Bias take a holiday for a change…
ANY PORT IN THE STORM?
It didn’t take long for former Chef Larry Johnson to get snapped up this week by the Cincinnati Bungholes, aka Rap Sheets ‘R Us, a team LJ should fit right in with. Since his last name is Johnson, #27 will no doubt go the Chad Ocho-Stinko route and legally change his name to Dos-Siete.
WORLD’S DUMBEST SONG LYRICS
“I Knew You Were Waiting For Me”—ARETHA FRANKLIN/GEORGE MICHAEL (1987) Haven’t done one of these in a while, but I heard this one again the other day: “Like a warrior that fights…” As opposed to a warrior that doesn’t fight? I believe that’s what they call a pacifist…
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Welcome back, my friends, to the blog that never ends...
…come inside, come inside!
SLEEPING AT THE WHEEL?
Let me get this straight: the FBI and CIA have been watching this Fort Hood shooter tick-turd for quite some time now, and were well aware he’d been reaching out to Al-Queda? Then what the fuck was he still doing in the U.S. Army?!? Come on, folks, we need to mind our store a little better than this…
DING DONG—THE ASSHOLE’S GONE!—PART 1
It took them long enough, but the Chefs finally released impudent running back Larry Johnson on Monday. And predictably, Larry proceeded to blame the mean ol’ K.C. media for all his transgressions and fuck-ups. Sadly, L.J. will go down as a classic case of "what might have been"—he had all the talent in the world on the field, but pissed most of it away, alienated Kansas City fans and ultimately wore out his welcome here. Guess he’ll be throwing his drinks at his "bitches" in another NFL city real soon. This move also preserves the team’s all-time rushing record held by a much better citizen, "The Beast That Is The" Priest Holmes. It’s also given numerous K.C. retailers cause to offer Larry Johnson jerseys at 50% off. I have a better suggestion—I say we take those jerseys and convert them into diapers and donate them to a good charity in Dick Vermeil’s name. Good riddance to a bonehead…
DING DONG—THE ASSHOLE’S GONE!—PART 2
Nice to see them finally execute that D.C. sniper douche-bag last night. Don’t rest in peace, butt-munch—hope you were gravely disappointed when you realized there ain't no Allah after all. Good riddance to a mega-asshole…
REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE?
There was much hoop-de-doo in the media this week about tennis player Andre Agassi’s forthcoming autobiography where he says he actually hated tennis, but was forced to play against his will by his allegedly domineering father while growing up. And this is the guy that Canon cameras positioned as a "Rebel" in their TV ads back in the day? Doesn’t strike me as being terribly rebellious if he couldn’t even stand up to his old man. And cry me a freakin’ river for all those millions you made playing that game you so hated, Andre…
"MAKE SURE THEY GET YOUR GOOD SIDE, GOOD SIDE"—A. ANT
To all the conservatives who pissed and moaned last fall when Newsweek had the unmitigated temerity to put Sarah Palin’s un-retouched extreme close-up that revealed all her supposed "flaws" on their cover, I direct your attention to the latest issue of Time. There you’ll find more wrinkles on Hillary Clinton’s face than in an un-made bed—and this ain’t even a close-up! Miss Winky-Dink should be deliriously grateful to look as good as she does at her age anyway ($150,000 clothing and make-up budget notwithstanding), because the years haven’t been kind to our current Secretary of State, it appears…
‘TIS THE SEASON? I THINK NOT…
I think I already mentioned on here that Lowe’s hardware store had their outdoor Xmas decorations for sale back on September 18th. This past weekend, the bloody Salivatin’ Army bell ringers—a major bane of my existence—were already out in force at the new Walmart in Raytown, and when the clock struck midnight on Halloween, one of our local FM stations started playing wall-to-wall holiday music. At the risk of sounding like E. Scrooge, I think Ozzy Osbourne nailed it when he said, "I hate fucking Christmas!" Every year, this yuletide thing seems to start earlier and earlier, and it sucks the life right out of me. Whatever happened to waiting until Thanksgiving to start the holiday season? Before long, the damn stores will be putting out the inflatable snowmen and Santas on the 4th of July! I miss the days when Christmas was something fun to look forward to, rather than the obligation that it’s morphed into in recent years. It also doesn’t help that I’m not religious, so that aspect of the Christmas season doesn’t register with me, either. Cancel Christmas? Sounds ducky to me…
JANE! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!
Speaking of our new Walmart—which is a mere half-mile from Holland’s Comet headquarters—in its first three weeks of operation, I’ve witnessed no less than three individual acts of vehicular stupidity in and around our great new shopping Mecca. First, there was the Walmart shopper who thought the red light leading out of their parking lot was merely a "suggestion" and he proceeded to pull right out and cut me off as I barreled towards him on the highway at 45 mph. This new store actually straddles our widely-divided 350 highway in Raytown, and a few days later, I witnessed another Wallyworld shopper turn right into the eastbound lanes of 350—going westbound! And just this past Saturday, some Amazon woman managed to ram her vehicle into one of those yellow posts in the parking lot in a single-car incident. To make matters worse, the new Walmart’s location only serves to exacerbate what is already a fairly major clusterfuck during evening rush hour, so I’m kinda hoping they hurry up and invent that flying vehicle that George Jetson folds up into a briefcase to get home in.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #121
"Rock ‘N’ Roll Fantasy"—BAD COMPANY (1979) "Reachin’ for the sky, and tearin’ up the ground…" Don’t it sound kinda like Paul Rodgers sings "Chairman of the ground" there?
TENTH AVENUE THIEF-OUT?!?
I was listening to the latest Springsteen CD the other day, Working On A Dream, and found the melody on the Dylan-esque opening track, "Outlaw Pete" to be awfully familiar. It took a few minutes to register with me that it sounded mighty close to the "doo-doo-doo-do-doo-doo-doo" intro to "I Was Made For Lovin’ You" by Kiss! Better watch out, Brucie—Gene and Paul might sue yer ass…
GUARANTEED TO BLOW YOUR HEAD APART?!? MEH...
I borrowed some Emerson Lake & Palmer CDs from the library recently (hence the above title references) and have really tried to warm up to the body of their work, but I’m finding it most difficult. My older sister used to think these guys were the cat’s ass back in the ‘70s, and there’s no question that Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are all top-flight musicians, but I find most of their music to be cold as a dead fish. ‘70s Prog Rock is like that to me in general, anyway, so I guess I’m a bit biased. While I do like some of the big radio hits like "Lucky Man", "Karn Evil 9" and "Fanfare For The Common Man", and even how ELP would occasionally loosen up and do something off-the-wall like "Hoedown" or B. Bumble & the Stingers’ "Nutrocker", the majority of their stuff comes across to me as pompous, overblown and boring with very little warmth in their music at all. I think they might’ve benefitted greatly from adding some guitar to their stuff, too—organ, bass and drums makes for a weird combo in Rock. Like the April Wine song "Wanna Rock" states, "If it don’t Rock me, then it ain’t gonna please me…"
FEELING THE NOIZE
Another band I’ve been checking out via the library is Slade, who were sort of the British version of Cheap Trick. Lead singer Noddy Holder sounded a bit like CT’s Robin Zander at times, and they were kinda goofy-looking for a Rock band, not unlike the Tricksters. I’m discovering there was a lot more to this band than just the songs Quiet Riot covered in the ‘80s, "Cum On Feel The Noize" and "Mama, Weer All Crazee Now". Slade could alternately rock out with songs like "We’ll Bring The House Down" or bring a crowd together with a touching sing-along like "My Oh My", and Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley both cite Slade as an early influence for the Kiss sound and live act. Slade was huge over across the big pond back in the ‘70s, but for reasons unknown, they just never really caught on over here, even though their sound surely appeals to American Rock audiences. When I first got my MTV in 1984, I remember "Run Runaway" getting pretty heavy rotation and between that and the QR covers, Slade enjoyed a nice resurgence in popularity during that time. Pity it didn’t last—they’re a very underappreciated band.
"LET’S GIVE IT TO ‘EM RIGHT NOW!"
Here’s my all-time best version of "Louie, Louie" countdown:
5) Paul Revere & The Raiders (original studio version-1963)
4) The Kingsmen (1963)
3) John Belushi/Cast of Animal House (1978)
2) Motorhead (1980)
1) Paul Revere & The Raiders (live version on Here They Come! album-1965)
Ironically, the only version on which you can clearly understand the lyrics is Motorhead’s, believe it or not! And a little trivia for you—both the Kingsmen and Raiders versions were recorded in the same studio in the Great Northwest. Much to Da Raidas’ chagrin at the time, the Kingsmen aced them out with it on the charts, but PR&TR went on to have the far more successful career, thankfully.
"MEMORIES, LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND…"
While watching my favorite new TV show, "Squidbillies" last night, my man Early Cuyler (pictured here) reminded me of a blast from the past. When was the last time you were concerned with a piece of car audio equipment that featured "auto-reverse" and/or a "detachable face"? For me, it’s easily a decade, at least…
A NEW PLAYPEN
Last Saturday, I paid a visit to the new Independence Events Center, home of our new minor-league hockey team, the Missouri Mavericks, during its open house. Nice little building that holds about 5,000 puckheads, and considering how low-slung as the place is, it appears that the seats higher-up actually provide the better views. I thought the video boards and scoreboards seemed rather cheesy for this modern era, but overall, for a small suburban sports venue, it should serve us well. The IEC’s shakedown cruise is Friday night when the Mavs take on the Wichita Blunder, er uh, Thunder.
SLEEPING AT THE WHEEL?
Let me get this straight: the FBI and CIA have been watching this Fort Hood shooter tick-turd for quite some time now, and were well aware he’d been reaching out to Al-Queda? Then what the fuck was he still doing in the U.S. Army?!? Come on, folks, we need to mind our store a little better than this…
DING DONG—THE ASSHOLE’S GONE!—PART 1
It took them long enough, but the Chefs finally released impudent running back Larry Johnson on Monday. And predictably, Larry proceeded to blame the mean ol’ K.C. media for all his transgressions and fuck-ups. Sadly, L.J. will go down as a classic case of "what might have been"—he had all the talent in the world on the field, but pissed most of it away, alienated Kansas City fans and ultimately wore out his welcome here. Guess he’ll be throwing his drinks at his "bitches" in another NFL city real soon. This move also preserves the team’s all-time rushing record held by a much better citizen, "The Beast That Is The" Priest Holmes. It’s also given numerous K.C. retailers cause to offer Larry Johnson jerseys at 50% off. I have a better suggestion—I say we take those jerseys and convert them into diapers and donate them to a good charity in Dick Vermeil’s name. Good riddance to a bonehead…
DING DONG—THE ASSHOLE’S GONE!—PART 2
Nice to see them finally execute that D.C. sniper douche-bag last night. Don’t rest in peace, butt-munch—hope you were gravely disappointed when you realized there ain't no Allah after all. Good riddance to a mega-asshole…
REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE?
There was much hoop-de-doo in the media this week about tennis player Andre Agassi’s forthcoming autobiography where he says he actually hated tennis, but was forced to play against his will by his allegedly domineering father while growing up. And this is the guy that Canon cameras positioned as a "Rebel" in their TV ads back in the day? Doesn’t strike me as being terribly rebellious if he couldn’t even stand up to his old man. And cry me a freakin’ river for all those millions you made playing that game you so hated, Andre…
"MAKE SURE THEY GET YOUR GOOD SIDE, GOOD SIDE"—A. ANT
To all the conservatives who pissed and moaned last fall when Newsweek had the unmitigated temerity to put Sarah Palin’s un-retouched extreme close-up that revealed all her supposed "flaws" on their cover, I direct your attention to the latest issue of Time. There you’ll find more wrinkles on Hillary Clinton’s face than in an un-made bed—and this ain’t even a close-up! Miss Winky-Dink should be deliriously grateful to look as good as she does at her age anyway ($150,000 clothing and make-up budget notwithstanding), because the years haven’t been kind to our current Secretary of State, it appears…
‘TIS THE SEASON? I THINK NOT…
I think I already mentioned on here that Lowe’s hardware store had their outdoor Xmas decorations for sale back on September 18th. This past weekend, the bloody Salivatin’ Army bell ringers—a major bane of my existence—were already out in force at the new Walmart in Raytown, and when the clock struck midnight on Halloween, one of our local FM stations started playing wall-to-wall holiday music. At the risk of sounding like E. Scrooge, I think Ozzy Osbourne nailed it when he said, "I hate fucking Christmas!" Every year, this yuletide thing seems to start earlier and earlier, and it sucks the life right out of me. Whatever happened to waiting until Thanksgiving to start the holiday season? Before long, the damn stores will be putting out the inflatable snowmen and Santas on the 4th of July! I miss the days when Christmas was something fun to look forward to, rather than the obligation that it’s morphed into in recent years. It also doesn’t help that I’m not religious, so that aspect of the Christmas season doesn’t register with me, either. Cancel Christmas? Sounds ducky to me…
JANE! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!
Speaking of our new Walmart—which is a mere half-mile from Holland’s Comet headquarters—in its first three weeks of operation, I’ve witnessed no less than three individual acts of vehicular stupidity in and around our great new shopping Mecca. First, there was the Walmart shopper who thought the red light leading out of their parking lot was merely a "suggestion" and he proceeded to pull right out and cut me off as I barreled towards him on the highway at 45 mph. This new store actually straddles our widely-divided 350 highway in Raytown, and a few days later, I witnessed another Wallyworld shopper turn right into the eastbound lanes of 350—going westbound! And just this past Saturday, some Amazon woman managed to ram her vehicle into one of those yellow posts in the parking lot in a single-car incident. To make matters worse, the new Walmart’s location only serves to exacerbate what is already a fairly major clusterfuck during evening rush hour, so I’m kinda hoping they hurry up and invent that flying vehicle that George Jetson folds up into a briefcase to get home in.
CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #121
"Rock ‘N’ Roll Fantasy"—BAD COMPANY (1979) "Reachin’ for the sky, and tearin’ up the ground…" Don’t it sound kinda like Paul Rodgers sings "Chairman of the ground" there?
TENTH AVENUE THIEF-OUT?!?
I was listening to the latest Springsteen CD the other day, Working On A Dream, and found the melody on the Dylan-esque opening track, "Outlaw Pete" to be awfully familiar. It took a few minutes to register with me that it sounded mighty close to the "doo-doo-doo-do-doo-doo-doo" intro to "I Was Made For Lovin’ You" by Kiss! Better watch out, Brucie—Gene and Paul might sue yer ass…
GUARANTEED TO BLOW YOUR HEAD APART?!? MEH...
I borrowed some Emerson Lake & Palmer CDs from the library recently (hence the above title references) and have really tried to warm up to the body of their work, but I’m finding it most difficult. My older sister used to think these guys were the cat’s ass back in the ‘70s, and there’s no question that Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are all top-flight musicians, but I find most of their music to be cold as a dead fish. ‘70s Prog Rock is like that to me in general, anyway, so I guess I’m a bit biased. While I do like some of the big radio hits like "Lucky Man", "Karn Evil 9" and "Fanfare For The Common Man", and even how ELP would occasionally loosen up and do something off-the-wall like "Hoedown" or B. Bumble & the Stingers’ "Nutrocker", the majority of their stuff comes across to me as pompous, overblown and boring with very little warmth in their music at all. I think they might’ve benefitted greatly from adding some guitar to their stuff, too—organ, bass and drums makes for a weird combo in Rock. Like the April Wine song "Wanna Rock" states, "If it don’t Rock me, then it ain’t gonna please me…"
FEELING THE NOIZE
Another band I’ve been checking out via the library is Slade, who were sort of the British version of Cheap Trick. Lead singer Noddy Holder sounded a bit like CT’s Robin Zander at times, and they were kinda goofy-looking for a Rock band, not unlike the Tricksters. I’m discovering there was a lot more to this band than just the songs Quiet Riot covered in the ‘80s, "Cum On Feel The Noize" and "Mama, Weer All Crazee Now". Slade could alternately rock out with songs like "We’ll Bring The House Down" or bring a crowd together with a touching sing-along like "My Oh My", and Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley both cite Slade as an early influence for the Kiss sound and live act. Slade was huge over across the big pond back in the ‘70s, but for reasons unknown, they just never really caught on over here, even though their sound surely appeals to American Rock audiences. When I first got my MTV in 1984, I remember "Run Runaway" getting pretty heavy rotation and between that and the QR covers, Slade enjoyed a nice resurgence in popularity during that time. Pity it didn’t last—they’re a very underappreciated band.
"LET’S GIVE IT TO ‘EM RIGHT NOW!"
Here’s my all-time best version of "Louie, Louie" countdown:
5) Paul Revere & The Raiders (original studio version-1963)
4) The Kingsmen (1963)
3) John Belushi/Cast of Animal House (1978)
2) Motorhead (1980)
1) Paul Revere & The Raiders (live version on Here They Come! album-1965)
Ironically, the only version on which you can clearly understand the lyrics is Motorhead’s, believe it or not! And a little trivia for you—both the Kingsmen and Raiders versions were recorded in the same studio in the Great Northwest. Much to Da Raidas’ chagrin at the time, the Kingsmen aced them out with it on the charts, but PR&TR went on to have the far more successful career, thankfully.
"MEMORIES, LIGHT THE CORNERS OF MY MIND…"
While watching my favorite new TV show, "Squidbillies" last night, my man Early Cuyler (pictured here) reminded me of a blast from the past. When was the last time you were concerned with a piece of car audio equipment that featured "auto-reverse" and/or a "detachable face"? For me, it’s easily a decade, at least…A NEW PLAYPEN
Last Saturday, I paid a visit to the new Independence Events Center, home of our new minor-league hockey team, the Missouri Mavericks, during its open house. Nice little building that holds about 5,000 puckheads, and considering how low-slung as the place is, it appears that the seats higher-up actually provide the better views. I thought the video boards and scoreboards seemed rather cheesy for this modern era, but overall, for a small suburban sports venue, it should serve us well. The IEC’s shakedown cruise is Friday night when the Mavs take on the Wichita Blunder, er uh, Thunder.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
My Life In The Kiss Cult - Part B
PART B: DROWNING IN THE GENE POOL
Continuing on in my occasional series about my favorite Rock ‘N’ Roll band of all-time, this chapter deals with Gene Simmons’ 2001 autobiography, Kiss And Make-Up, which I recently read. I swore up and down that I would not spend one thin dime on this book, and I’ve lived up to my word. I never said I wouldn’t borrow it from the library and read it, though, did I? Anyway, can you say “hatchet job”? While I do believe most of the stuff Simmons wrote about his mom and his upbringing in Israel, as well as his family life with Shannon, Nick and Sophie, I had a lot of trouble buying the crap he wrote about Ace Frehley and Peter Criss throughout the book. I have no doubt If you asked each member of Kiss to tell the story of the band, you’d get four different versions of what truly happened anyway, but Ace and Peter don’t deserve the hammering they received here. Neither of them are saints, by any means, but I thought Gene’s poison-pen skewering of them was uncalled-for.
As the Demon himself once said, it’s okay if long-time fans don’t always agree with the things he and Paul Stanley say and do—at least it shows that we care. If fans like me didn’t care, we’d not say anything at all. Therefore, I have a few nits to pick with the Artist Formerly Known as Chaim Witz, which I’ve itemized below…
In regard to the Kiss solo albums released in 1978, Gene writes:
“After twenty plus years of sales figures, I’m at the top, slightly ahead of Ace, who is slightly ahead of Paul. Peter’s sold the least well of the four. None of the albums really yielded hits. The song that got the farthest was Ace’s ’New York Groove’, which went to number 14. Peter didn’t chart. 'Radioactive', my single, stopped in the twenties, and Paul’s 'Hold Me, Touch Me' was a little lower that.”
Uhhh, at the top of what, Gene? In the twenties of where? That ain’t the way I remember it—Ace’s album (which was generally considered the best of the four) sold the most, followed closely by Paul’s (which sounded the closest to a regular Kiss album). Gene’s album (which was downright weird) and Peter’s album (which was like a poor man's Eddie Money record) both lagged way behind. Neither Gene (#47) nor Paul (#46) even sniffed the top 40 with those songs Gene mentions, so I don’t know what chart(s) he’s referring to.
Regarding the possibility of reuniting with Ace and Peter at the time of the Kiss Conventions in 1993-94:
“Ace and Peter had become so crippled by their emotional problems and by various substances—they had become so diminished as human beings and as musicians—that they would have been an embarrassment.”
Sorry, Gene, I ain’t buying this bullshit, either. I don’t know about Peter so much during that time, but I saw Ace play live here in K.C. in ‘94, and he put on a damn good show that night. The Spaceman sure didn’t resemble no cripple, that’s for sure.
On the 2000 “Farewell” tour:
“People were crying in the audience, but maybe it wasn’t because they were never going to see us again—maybe it was because Ace and Peter were playing so badly. As the tour went on, it became clear to me that the decision to make this tour the last one was not only smart but maybe inevitable. Musically, it was the worst we had ever been.”
Okay, this stuff pisses me off the most, I think, coming from Mr. “Buffalo-fart” bass solo man and from the man who screamed “Let me hear ya, Kansas City!”—in St. Louis! First off, I caught no less than four shows on the “Farewell” Tour, and they were all first-rate. I’ve also watched videos from that tour numerous times since then and at no point do I consider Frehley’s and Criss’ musicianship to be subpar, and if I did find their performances to be as poor as Gene claims, I would say so. I will say this, though—it’s no secret that neither Ace’s nor Peter’s heart was in the Kiss thing by that time (can you blame them?), but they still played like professionals to the end. And if Peter was such a terrible drummer, then why, Gene, did you bring him back for the Alive IV Kiss Symphony thing in 2003? Makes no sense…
Gene talked about Ace and Peter during the band’s early days:
“Ace did nothing.”
Gene used this same line numerous times talking about how Frehley allegedly didn’t help load equipment, didn’t write songs, didn’t participate in band meetings, didn’t play in any reindeer games, whatever, when the band first started to tour. If he was such a lazy-ass, then why didn’t you find a suitable replacement? After all, you almost went with Bob Kulick before Ace aced him out at your auditions.
“Ace had a fascination with Nazi memorabilia, and in his drunken stupors he and his best friend would make videotapes of themselves dressed up as Nazis…Ace showed me a piece of tape where he and his best friend were making verbal threats against ‘the Jew in New York‘ (Mayor Ed Koch), saying ‘We’ll cook him up.’ Of course, he was drunk out of his mind. Paul (Stanley) and I weren’t thrilled about that. But Ace laughed at how funny he was when he saw the tape.”
I find this one hard to believe. If I were Jewish and my mother had survived the concentration camp horror like Gene’s mom did and some palooka came along and pulled that kind of crap in front of me, I woulda decked his sorry ass and he’d no longer be my friend and bandmate. Ace Frehley doesn’t strike me as being a malicious dude—he’s no angel, and he is indeed of German descent—but I just can’t fathom that he’d be that cruel and insensitive, especially to his closest cohorts, regardless of how drunk he got.
“We were in the back of a station wagon, four of us…Peter and Ace would strip off their pants and stick their dicks against the window of the station wagon we were touring in.”
And during Gene’s and Paul’s first encounter with their future drummer:
“Peter walked up and said, ‘Hi, I’m Peter Criscoula and I’ve got a nine-inch dick.’”
Not buying either one of these stories, either. Again, Peter and Ace are hardly model citizens, but I’m having trouble envisioning these incidents being true. Even if they are true, why bring them up now? What good comes from it other than soothing your own vindictive ego, Gene? And if Ace and Peter so loathsome, then why didn’t you kick them out of the band when you had the chance before you hit the big-time? Why did you put up with them so long, if they were such douche-bags?
Regarding original Kiss manager Bill Aucoin:
“I didn’t realize it immediately, but Bill was gay.”
I do hope, for Mr. Aucoin’s sake, that his homosexuality wasn’t a well-kept secret before Gene’s book came out. If Aucoin is indeed gay and proud of it, then no harm/no foul, I guess (on Gene, I mean), but I thought it was totally unnecessary for Simmons to out him when Bill’s sexual preference really had nothing at all to do with Gene’s personal life, much less the history of the band.
Regarding the 1974 remake of Bobby Rydell’s 1959 hit “Kissin’ Time”:
“We also extracted a promise from (Casablanca Records boss man) Neil (Bogart) that the cover version of the song would never appear on any actual Kiss albums, that it would be a one-shot deal to promote the (kissing) contest. Of course, it didn’t work out that way—the song later found its way onto some albums and re-releases.”
Huh? SOME albums? Uhhh, “Kissin’ Time” appears on every copy I’ve ever had of the first Kiss album—Side 2, Track 1—and I have yet to ever see it on any re-releases. It is true, however, the song didn’t appear on initial pressings of the first album when it was released, and if you happen to possess a vinyl copy of Kiss that doesn’t contain “Kissin’ Time”, it’s probably worth a goodly sum of money. I know I’m being anal here, but I don’t get that “some albums” bit.
As for the rest of the Kiss and Make-Up, I could’ve done without Gene’s incessant Alpha-male boasting about fucking all those groupies over the years. There’s a big difference between quantity and quality, and sticking your dick in every female you stumble across that has a pulse don’t really impress me much. I also grew quite weary of constantly being reminded of how Gene had never been drunk. Fine, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou, me and Ace and Peter aren’t worthy of your blessing, evidently, but I still want to know what the fuck you were doing on that Miller Lite beer TV ad about five years ago.
Ace Frehley had a pretty good comeback on Gene in 2002: “Gene Simmons is a good musician and a good songwriter, but in the year 2002 Gene uses the bass as a vehicle to be a businessman, promote Kiss merchandise, get laid, and do a hundred other things.”
There were a couple things in Gene’s book that did actually jibe with me, however...
On the laid-back southern California lifestyle he encountered while dating Cher in the late ‘70s:
“California was also awash in est, and in meditation, and in Eastern mysticism. I didn’t have much use for any of them. Even when the Beatles were going through their Maharishi phase, I felt betrayed. You idiots, I thought. While India may be a spiritually brilliant country, spirituality meant nothing to me. Children are dying there every day of starvation. I’d rather be unspiritual and fed than spiritual and starving. Sorry. This was always my philosophy—pragmatism.”
As crude as Gene sounds, he does bring up a legitimate point here—if India is such an enlightened country, then why is there so much poverty there? I’ve tried reading books about the whole meditation thing and “living in the moment” and just accepting things as they happen in life, and it’s all a load of bullshit to me. My brain just ain’t wired that way, sorry kids.
On hob-nobbing with celebrities while dating Cher:
“To me it was chit-chat. I’ve always been about the facts—give me the information. And then it’s off to the pleasure zones.”
Maybe there’s a little Gene Simmons in me after all, because I totally agree with him here. I’m a horrible schmoozer at parties or in other social situations in large part because idle chit-chat bores the shit out of me. Like Gene, I’m more of a cut-to-the-chase kind of person. Don’t get me wrong—get me on a topic of discussion I’m interested in, and I’ll talk your ears off, but just chewing the fat about mundane banalities is incredibly dull to me.
Gene also wrote that he once worked for something called the Puerto Rican Interagency Council in New York. With an acronym like that—P.R.I.C.—it seems like a perfect fit for Gene!
Meanwhile, Paul Stanley had some more disparaging comments about Ace and Peter in the paper recently…
Regarding the reunion years:
“I think we had people who were delusional about their songwriting abilities and musical abilities. There was an unfortunate carryover of bad habits that people had sworn they would never do again. It’s strange when people come back to a band nothing but grateful, with promises they’ve learned from their mistakes, and as soon as they have money in their pocket, quickly develop amnesia.”
“Are you still glad you did the reunion?”
“Totally. Totally. It was magical at the beginning. But ultimately, the only magic I wanted was to make certain people disappear. And that was a shame. It had the potential to be much more than just a reunion tour. But it quickly became clear that it couldn’t progress. It was an opportunity for people to hone their skills and take the band to another level. But I guess that was left for Tommy, Eric, Gene and me.”
It kills me how Paul always sounds like he’s reading off a script when he talks about the past in his undying effort to stay “on message”. Love him to death, but I long ago grew weary of him chanting the “there are four stars” mantra when it comes to Kiss. It’s always been him and Gene and whoever wants to kiss their butts the most in this band. The only time you can associate the term “four stars” with Kiss is the hotels they stay in.
Continuing on in my occasional series about my favorite Rock ‘N’ Roll band of all-time, this chapter deals with Gene Simmons’ 2001 autobiography, Kiss And Make-Up, which I recently read. I swore up and down that I would not spend one thin dime on this book, and I’ve lived up to my word. I never said I wouldn’t borrow it from the library and read it, though, did I? Anyway, can you say “hatchet job”? While I do believe most of the stuff Simmons wrote about his mom and his upbringing in Israel, as well as his family life with Shannon, Nick and Sophie, I had a lot of trouble buying the crap he wrote about Ace Frehley and Peter Criss throughout the book. I have no doubt If you asked each member of Kiss to tell the story of the band, you’d get four different versions of what truly happened anyway, but Ace and Peter don’t deserve the hammering they received here. Neither of them are saints, by any means, but I thought Gene’s poison-pen skewering of them was uncalled-for.
As the Demon himself once said, it’s okay if long-time fans don’t always agree with the things he and Paul Stanley say and do—at least it shows that we care. If fans like me didn’t care, we’d not say anything at all. Therefore, I have a few nits to pick with the Artist Formerly Known as Chaim Witz, which I’ve itemized below…
In regard to the Kiss solo albums released in 1978, Gene writes:
“After twenty plus years of sales figures, I’m at the top, slightly ahead of Ace, who is slightly ahead of Paul. Peter’s sold the least well of the four. None of the albums really yielded hits. The song that got the farthest was Ace’s ’New York Groove’, which went to number 14. Peter didn’t chart. 'Radioactive', my single, stopped in the twenties, and Paul’s 'Hold Me, Touch Me' was a little lower that.”
Uhhh, at the top of what, Gene? In the twenties of where? That ain’t the way I remember it—Ace’s album (which was generally considered the best of the four) sold the most, followed closely by Paul’s (which sounded the closest to a regular Kiss album). Gene’s album (which was downright weird) and Peter’s album (which was like a poor man's Eddie Money record) both lagged way behind. Neither Gene (#47) nor Paul (#46) even sniffed the top 40 with those songs Gene mentions, so I don’t know what chart(s) he’s referring to.
Regarding the possibility of reuniting with Ace and Peter at the time of the Kiss Conventions in 1993-94:
“Ace and Peter had become so crippled by their emotional problems and by various substances—they had become so diminished as human beings and as musicians—that they would have been an embarrassment.”
Sorry, Gene, I ain’t buying this bullshit, either. I don’t know about Peter so much during that time, but I saw Ace play live here in K.C. in ‘94, and he put on a damn good show that night. The Spaceman sure didn’t resemble no cripple, that’s for sure.
On the 2000 “Farewell” tour:
“People were crying in the audience, but maybe it wasn’t because they were never going to see us again—maybe it was because Ace and Peter were playing so badly. As the tour went on, it became clear to me that the decision to make this tour the last one was not only smart but maybe inevitable. Musically, it was the worst we had ever been.”
Okay, this stuff pisses me off the most, I think, coming from Mr. “Buffalo-fart” bass solo man and from the man who screamed “Let me hear ya, Kansas City!”—in St. Louis! First off, I caught no less than four shows on the “Farewell” Tour, and they were all first-rate. I’ve also watched videos from that tour numerous times since then and at no point do I consider Frehley’s and Criss’ musicianship to be subpar, and if I did find their performances to be as poor as Gene claims, I would say so. I will say this, though—it’s no secret that neither Ace’s nor Peter’s heart was in the Kiss thing by that time (can you blame them?), but they still played like professionals to the end. And if Peter was such a terrible drummer, then why, Gene, did you bring him back for the Alive IV Kiss Symphony thing in 2003? Makes no sense…
Gene talked about Ace and Peter during the band’s early days:
“Ace did nothing.”
Gene used this same line numerous times talking about how Frehley allegedly didn’t help load equipment, didn’t write songs, didn’t participate in band meetings, didn’t play in any reindeer games, whatever, when the band first started to tour. If he was such a lazy-ass, then why didn’t you find a suitable replacement? After all, you almost went with Bob Kulick before Ace aced him out at your auditions.
“Ace had a fascination with Nazi memorabilia, and in his drunken stupors he and his best friend would make videotapes of themselves dressed up as Nazis…Ace showed me a piece of tape where he and his best friend were making verbal threats against ‘the Jew in New York‘ (Mayor Ed Koch), saying ‘We’ll cook him up.’ Of course, he was drunk out of his mind. Paul (Stanley) and I weren’t thrilled about that. But Ace laughed at how funny he was when he saw the tape.”
I find this one hard to believe. If I were Jewish and my mother had survived the concentration camp horror like Gene’s mom did and some palooka came along and pulled that kind of crap in front of me, I woulda decked his sorry ass and he’d no longer be my friend and bandmate. Ace Frehley doesn’t strike me as being a malicious dude—he’s no angel, and he is indeed of German descent—but I just can’t fathom that he’d be that cruel and insensitive, especially to his closest cohorts, regardless of how drunk he got.
“We were in the back of a station wagon, four of us…Peter and Ace would strip off their pants and stick their dicks against the window of the station wagon we were touring in.”
And during Gene’s and Paul’s first encounter with their future drummer:
“Peter walked up and said, ‘Hi, I’m Peter Criscoula and I’ve got a nine-inch dick.’”
Not buying either one of these stories, either. Again, Peter and Ace are hardly model citizens, but I’m having trouble envisioning these incidents being true. Even if they are true, why bring them up now? What good comes from it other than soothing your own vindictive ego, Gene? And if Ace and Peter so loathsome, then why didn’t you kick them out of the band when you had the chance before you hit the big-time? Why did you put up with them so long, if they were such douche-bags?
Regarding original Kiss manager Bill Aucoin:
“I didn’t realize it immediately, but Bill was gay.”
I do hope, for Mr. Aucoin’s sake, that his homosexuality wasn’t a well-kept secret before Gene’s book came out. If Aucoin is indeed gay and proud of it, then no harm/no foul, I guess (on Gene, I mean), but I thought it was totally unnecessary for Simmons to out him when Bill’s sexual preference really had nothing at all to do with Gene’s personal life, much less the history of the band.
Regarding the 1974 remake of Bobby Rydell’s 1959 hit “Kissin’ Time”:
“We also extracted a promise from (Casablanca Records boss man) Neil (Bogart) that the cover version of the song would never appear on any actual Kiss albums, that it would be a one-shot deal to promote the (kissing) contest. Of course, it didn’t work out that way—the song later found its way onto some albums and re-releases.”
Huh? SOME albums? Uhhh, “Kissin’ Time” appears on every copy I’ve ever had of the first Kiss album—Side 2, Track 1—and I have yet to ever see it on any re-releases. It is true, however, the song didn’t appear on initial pressings of the first album when it was released, and if you happen to possess a vinyl copy of Kiss that doesn’t contain “Kissin’ Time”, it’s probably worth a goodly sum of money. I know I’m being anal here, but I don’t get that “some albums” bit.
As for the rest of the Kiss and Make-Up, I could’ve done without Gene’s incessant Alpha-male boasting about fucking all those groupies over the years. There’s a big difference between quantity and quality, and sticking your dick in every female you stumble across that has a pulse don’t really impress me much. I also grew quite weary of constantly being reminded of how Gene had never been drunk. Fine, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou, me and Ace and Peter aren’t worthy of your blessing, evidently, but I still want to know what the fuck you were doing on that Miller Lite beer TV ad about five years ago.
Ace Frehley had a pretty good comeback on Gene in 2002: “Gene Simmons is a good musician and a good songwriter, but in the year 2002 Gene uses the bass as a vehicle to be a businessman, promote Kiss merchandise, get laid, and do a hundred other things.”
There were a couple things in Gene’s book that did actually jibe with me, however...
On the laid-back southern California lifestyle he encountered while dating Cher in the late ‘70s:
“California was also awash in est, and in meditation, and in Eastern mysticism. I didn’t have much use for any of them. Even when the Beatles were going through their Maharishi phase, I felt betrayed. You idiots, I thought. While India may be a spiritually brilliant country, spirituality meant nothing to me. Children are dying there every day of starvation. I’d rather be unspiritual and fed than spiritual and starving. Sorry. This was always my philosophy—pragmatism.”
As crude as Gene sounds, he does bring up a legitimate point here—if India is such an enlightened country, then why is there so much poverty there? I’ve tried reading books about the whole meditation thing and “living in the moment” and just accepting things as they happen in life, and it’s all a load of bullshit to me. My brain just ain’t wired that way, sorry kids.
On hob-nobbing with celebrities while dating Cher:
“To me it was chit-chat. I’ve always been about the facts—give me the information. And then it’s off to the pleasure zones.”
Maybe there’s a little Gene Simmons in me after all, because I totally agree with him here. I’m a horrible schmoozer at parties or in other social situations in large part because idle chit-chat bores the shit out of me. Like Gene, I’m more of a cut-to-the-chase kind of person. Don’t get me wrong—get me on a topic of discussion I’m interested in, and I’ll talk your ears off, but just chewing the fat about mundane banalities is incredibly dull to me.
Gene also wrote that he once worked for something called the Puerto Rican Interagency Council in New York. With an acronym like that—P.R.I.C.—it seems like a perfect fit for Gene!
Meanwhile, Paul Stanley had some more disparaging comments about Ace and Peter in the paper recently…
Regarding the reunion years:
“I think we had people who were delusional about their songwriting abilities and musical abilities. There was an unfortunate carryover of bad habits that people had sworn they would never do again. It’s strange when people come back to a band nothing but grateful, with promises they’ve learned from their mistakes, and as soon as they have money in their pocket, quickly develop amnesia.”
“Are you still glad you did the reunion?”
“Totally. Totally. It was magical at the beginning. But ultimately, the only magic I wanted was to make certain people disappear. And that was a shame. It had the potential to be much more than just a reunion tour. But it quickly became clear that it couldn’t progress. It was an opportunity for people to hone their skills and take the band to another level. But I guess that was left for Tommy, Eric, Gene and me.”
It kills me how Paul always sounds like he’s reading off a script when he talks about the past in his undying effort to stay “on message”. Love him to death, but I long ago grew weary of him chanting the “there are four stars” mantra when it comes to Kiss. It’s always been him and Gene and whoever wants to kiss their butts the most in this band. The only time you can associate the term “four stars” with Kiss is the hotels they stay in.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I still remember it was autumn and the blog was shinin'...
...'cuz you look just like a Commie and you might just be a member, baby!
IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S…OH, SHIT—WE’VE BEEN PUNKED!
I know this is a bit belated, but I can’t help but congratulate myself for seeing right through the whole "Balloon Boy" thing right from the start two weeks ago. How hard up for attention do ya gotta be to throw your own six-year-old son under the bus to land a potential reality show and/or big payday? Me, personally, I think these Heene idiots should have those kids taken away from them immediately, or if nothing else, the kids should be kept away from this douche-bag father of theirs. Among other things, this goomer claims to believe the world will end in 2012 just like in that new movie coming out. Well, if that’s the case, then why bring three kids into the world just so they can die young? There are some strange rangers out there, that’s for sure…
JUST GIVE US DIRTY LAUNDRY…
Since they already play the "Breaking News" card far too often, CNN now has a new moniker to keep viewers on the edges of their seats: "URGENT Breaking News"! What’s next—"Double-Secret Breaking News"? Whoever runs the on-screen graphics at CNN needs to lay off the caffeine, too. I was watching Larry King interview Michael Moore the other night, and was subjected to this constant stream of factoids every ten seconds below Moore’s name like "Opposes more troops in Afghanistan", "Plans new documentary", "Thinks Bush was an idiot", etc. Talk about information overload/overkill…
Oh, and I saw that noted transsexual (D)Ann Coulter making the rounds on the Faux Noise Channel squawk show circuit last week. Must have another book coming out…
DON'T GO AWAY MAD, LARRY, JUST GO AWAY...
Chefs running back Larry Johnson’s latest FUBAR might hopefully be his last as a Chef. They should’ve chucked his (in his own words) "faggot ass" a long time ago—he’s been worthless on the field this season and a locker room cancer off of it, and this latest dust-up involving his use of gay slurs and pissing/moaning about head coach "Big Head" Todd Haley is just another example of his incurable immaturity. And no one—least of all yours truly—is buying Johnson’s predictable media apology, which had all the sincerity of Jerry Springer’s post-show commentaries. And at age 30, LJ’s warranty has just about expired anyway. Cut your losses and move on, Chefs…
DEATH WARMED OVER?
Am I the only one who finds it totally crass that DirecTV is using the late Chris Farley’s Tommy Boy bit in their current TV ads? I’m already on record here as not being a big CF fan—I think he was overrated as all get-out—but this seems just a skosh disrespectful to his memory, especially considering how his "friend" David Spade also appears in these lame commercials. Just keep those checks rollin’ in, huh Dave? In a related deal, the remaining Billy Mays spots need to be 86’ed as well—something about a dead person hawking products just creeps me out, big-time.
AND WHILE I’M AT IT…
Another ad campaign that should’ve been deep-sixed long ago is the contrived Coors Light bits with football coaches Mike Ditka, Brian Billick, Romeo Crennel and Herm Edwards. First off, the ads are so contrived and simple-minded, and secondly, none of these guys are even currently coaching in the NFL! Then again, I have to say that Coors is, if nothing else, consistent—their TV ads are just as crappy as their beer is…
NOW THAT'S FUNNY!
I saw by the paper the other day that "comedian" Bob Saget is scheduled to appear at K.C.'s Midland Theater next month. Tickets run from 30-50 bucks. The Midland holds about 3,000 people, but given those monetary parameters, methinks BS and his appropriate initials will have great difficulty filling that venue. Perhaps something a skosh smaller might work out better for him, like my living room! On second thought, never mind—I don't want that no-talent hack in my house...
MY NEW FAVORITE SONG
I mentioned this in my last post about my Chicago trip, but it’s so rare that I get to praise recent (or fairly recent) music, so I wanted to laud the Fratellis again for their 2006 hit "Chelsea Dagger", which is also the Chicago Blackhawks goal celebration tune. I first noticed this goofy little song being played last spring during the Stanley Cup playoffs, and thought it was a hoot how the entire crowd chanted in unison along with the "dut-duh-duh-dut" parts, and discovered firsthand last week that it’s even funnier in person. Initially, I figured the song was something done exclusively for the ‘Hawks, but a Blackhawks fan I spoke with clued me in on the Fratellis, a Scottish trio who in best Ramones-style all claim Fratelli as their surnames, even though they aren’t at all related. I borrowed their CD with "Chelsea" on it from my local library and now the song resides in my iPod, and there were a couple other tracks I liked as well. Maybe there’s some hope for this generation’s music after all…
TEACHER NEEDS TO SEE ME AFTER SCHOOL...
A little useless trivia for you that I learned yesterday. You know who the "Phys. Ed." teacher in the famed Van Halen "Hot For Teacher" video is? That would be none other than Janet Jones, better known as Mrs. Wayne Gretzky. Sit down, Waldo!
FEELING FACELESS ON FACEBOOKAfter about four months or so, I’m still not completely sold on the phenomenon known as Facebook. Between regular e-mails, this blog and FB, I’m probably as well-connected with my good friends (both old and new) as I’ve ever been, yet I still feel very isolated and alone. Facebook tends to encourage pithy little hit-and-run posts with precious little substance to them, and since the advent of Facebook, I’ve noticed a huge drop in personal e-mails to me from a couple of friends. It’s almost as if keeping in touch with little dribs and drabs on FB is an excuse to avoid getting too in-depth and personal with your close friends in other venues. The indifference I experience from longtime friends to the stuff I post on there bothers me too. I don’t expect everyone to react or respond to every little thing I post, but they could at least give me the time of day now and then.
My feelings of isolation extend beyond the cyber-world too. Virtually all of my close friends are married, which seriously precludes socializing, going out drinking, doing concerts or ballgames together and or just hanging out, thus leaving me basically with table scraps when it comes to hooking up with friends—i.e., I have to take whatever I can get these days. It also finally occurred to me here lately that most of my longtime friends are more politically conservative than I ever realized, and being’s that I ain’t conservative, this is beginning to cause some friction in many cases. It also doesn't help that I'm a non-church-going heretic in many of their eyes. Not saying we have to agree on everything, but I can’t help but feel like an outsider in my own circle of friends nowadays. Well kids, I yam what I yam, and I make no apologies for that...
IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S…OH, SHIT—WE’VE BEEN PUNKED!
I know this is a bit belated, but I can’t help but congratulate myself for seeing right through the whole "Balloon Boy" thing right from the start two weeks ago. How hard up for attention do ya gotta be to throw your own six-year-old son under the bus to land a potential reality show and/or big payday? Me, personally, I think these Heene idiots should have those kids taken away from them immediately, or if nothing else, the kids should be kept away from this douche-bag father of theirs. Among other things, this goomer claims to believe the world will end in 2012 just like in that new movie coming out. Well, if that’s the case, then why bring three kids into the world just so they can die young? There are some strange rangers out there, that’s for sure…
JUST GIVE US DIRTY LAUNDRY…
Since they already play the "Breaking News" card far too often, CNN now has a new moniker to keep viewers on the edges of their seats: "URGENT Breaking News"! What’s next—"Double-Secret Breaking News"? Whoever runs the on-screen graphics at CNN needs to lay off the caffeine, too. I was watching Larry King interview Michael Moore the other night, and was subjected to this constant stream of factoids every ten seconds below Moore’s name like "Opposes more troops in Afghanistan", "Plans new documentary", "Thinks Bush was an idiot", etc. Talk about information overload/overkill…
Oh, and I saw that noted transsexual (D)Ann Coulter making the rounds on the Faux Noise Channel squawk show circuit last week. Must have another book coming out…
DON'T GO AWAY MAD, LARRY, JUST GO AWAY...
Chefs running back Larry Johnson’s latest FUBAR might hopefully be his last as a Chef. They should’ve chucked his (in his own words) "faggot ass" a long time ago—he’s been worthless on the field this season and a locker room cancer off of it, and this latest dust-up involving his use of gay slurs and pissing/moaning about head coach "Big Head" Todd Haley is just another example of his incurable immaturity. And no one—least of all yours truly—is buying Johnson’s predictable media apology, which had all the sincerity of Jerry Springer’s post-show commentaries. And at age 30, LJ’s warranty has just about expired anyway. Cut your losses and move on, Chefs…
DEATH WARMED OVER?
Am I the only one who finds it totally crass that DirecTV is using the late Chris Farley’s Tommy Boy bit in their current TV ads? I’m already on record here as not being a big CF fan—I think he was overrated as all get-out—but this seems just a skosh disrespectful to his memory, especially considering how his "friend" David Spade also appears in these lame commercials. Just keep those checks rollin’ in, huh Dave? In a related deal, the remaining Billy Mays spots need to be 86’ed as well—something about a dead person hawking products just creeps me out, big-time.
AND WHILE I’M AT IT…
Another ad campaign that should’ve been deep-sixed long ago is the contrived Coors Light bits with football coaches Mike Ditka, Brian Billick, Romeo Crennel and Herm Edwards. First off, the ads are so contrived and simple-minded, and secondly, none of these guys are even currently coaching in the NFL! Then again, I have to say that Coors is, if nothing else, consistent—their TV ads are just as crappy as their beer is…
NOW THAT'S FUNNY!
I saw by the paper the other day that "comedian" Bob Saget is scheduled to appear at K.C.'s Midland Theater next month. Tickets run from 30-50 bucks. The Midland holds about 3,000 people, but given those monetary parameters, methinks BS and his appropriate initials will have great difficulty filling that venue. Perhaps something a skosh smaller might work out better for him, like my living room! On second thought, never mind—I don't want that no-talent hack in my house...
MY NEW FAVORITE SONG
I mentioned this in my last post about my Chicago trip, but it’s so rare that I get to praise recent (or fairly recent) music, so I wanted to laud the Fratellis again for their 2006 hit "Chelsea Dagger", which is also the Chicago Blackhawks goal celebration tune. I first noticed this goofy little song being played last spring during the Stanley Cup playoffs, and thought it was a hoot how the entire crowd chanted in unison along with the "dut-duh-duh-dut" parts, and discovered firsthand last week that it’s even funnier in person. Initially, I figured the song was something done exclusively for the ‘Hawks, but a Blackhawks fan I spoke with clued me in on the Fratellis, a Scottish trio who in best Ramones-style all claim Fratelli as their surnames, even though they aren’t at all related. I borrowed their CD with "Chelsea" on it from my local library and now the song resides in my iPod, and there were a couple other tracks I liked as well. Maybe there’s some hope for this generation’s music after all…
TEACHER NEEDS TO SEE ME AFTER SCHOOL...
A little useless trivia for you that I learned yesterday. You know who the "Phys. Ed." teacher in the famed Van Halen "Hot For Teacher" video is? That would be none other than Janet Jones, better known as Mrs. Wayne Gretzky. Sit down, Waldo!FEELING FACELESS ON FACEBOOKAfter about four months or so, I’m still not completely sold on the phenomenon known as Facebook. Between regular e-mails, this blog and FB, I’m probably as well-connected with my good friends (both old and new) as I’ve ever been, yet I still feel very isolated and alone. Facebook tends to encourage pithy little hit-and-run posts with precious little substance to them, and since the advent of Facebook, I’ve noticed a huge drop in personal e-mails to me from a couple of friends. It’s almost as if keeping in touch with little dribs and drabs on FB is an excuse to avoid getting too in-depth and personal with your close friends in other venues. The indifference I experience from longtime friends to the stuff I post on there bothers me too. I don’t expect everyone to react or respond to every little thing I post, but they could at least give me the time of day now and then.
My feelings of isolation extend beyond the cyber-world too. Virtually all of my close friends are married, which seriously precludes socializing, going out drinking, doing concerts or ballgames together and or just hanging out, thus leaving me basically with table scraps when it comes to hooking up with friends—i.e., I have to take whatever I can get these days. It also finally occurred to me here lately that most of my longtime friends are more politically conservative than I ever realized, and being’s that I ain’t conservative, this is beginning to cause some friction in many cases. It also doesn't help that I'm a non-church-going heretic in many of their eyes. Not saying we have to agree on everything, but I can’t help but feel like an outsider in my own circle of friends nowadays. Well kids, I yam what I yam, and I make no apologies for that...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Travelblog--Chicago
Sorry for the delay in getting back on the blog here, but my trip to Chicago was a bit of a letdown, thanks to several things beyond my control—not the least of which was the weather, which was vile during most of my stay. I got really lucky with the rental car and lodging, but poor timing, a ton of rain, frustrating traffic and under-budgeting all led me to actually cut the trip a day short and bag Milwaukee altogether—much to the chagrin of the Fonz and Mr. & Mrs. C. Therefore, I haven't been all that motivated to write, plus I've had some other issues to deal with on homefront here. It wasn't all that bad a trip, really, but a big disappointment after months of plotting and planning and high expectations on my part. Anyway, as promised, here's my pictorial tour...
CHARLIE PARKER LIVES?
Five hours out of K.C., my first stop was this oddball little quonset hut known as Charlie Parker's Diner in Springfield, IL, home of their trademark "Horseshoe" meals. CP's has been featured on Food Network's "Drive-Ins, Diners and Dives" and I'm quickly discovering that even when the featured food looks really good on TV, it doesn't always live up to expectations in person. I had the ham-and-egg horseshoe, which is a piece of toast with the ham and eggs on top of it, smothered by a plateful of hash browns topped off by gooey cheese sauce. Dandy tasting, up to a point, but the cheese kinda overwhelms the whole thing after eating about half of it, and I found it slightly underwhelming overall. Still, it's not bad at all for the price ($5.95), and I give the place extra points for the numerous '50s/'60s/'70s record albums (and jackets) that adorn the walls therein, especially the Dave Edmunds albums. Kinda hard to find the place, but it's worth a stop if you're ever in the Springfield area.
LIVIN' IN THE LAP OF LUXURY
Or at least the belly-button of it, anyway. Check out the room I stayed in, complete with wall-mounted flat screen Philips TV, spacious bathroom and two double-beds. Think I stayed at a semi-upscale hotel chain? Guess again—it was a Motel 6, of all things! I stayed at this same location in Arlington Heights near O'Hare Airport about seven years ago, and it was pretty nice then, but they've since remodeled and it's now easily the nicest Motel 6 I've ever lodged at. Even better, my room normally rents for 90 bucks a night, but I got it for the low, low price of $32.95 a night, thanks to my Internet rate and the hotel industry's current desperation to fill rooms.
REALLY GETTING MY GOAT
As planned, I paid a visit to the infamous Billy Goat tavern in the heart of Chicago's downtown underworld on lower Wacker drive, just a few blocks from the John Hancock building and Marina City. The Goat is the original home of the late John Belushi's legendary "Cheezeborger! Cheezeborger! Cheezeborger!" skits on "Saturday Night Live", and while the layout was a bit different than the one on SNL, the feeling was pretty much the same. That's my double cheezeborger and cheeps, and unlike on SNL, you can get a Diet Coke instead of Pepsi, if you dare. The cheezeborger was nothing terribly spectacular, but it hit the spot and I can now say I've been to Da Goat. The walls of the place are also adorned with numerous old newspaper articles about the guy who owned it and put the "Curse of The Goat" on the beloved Cubbies.
"OUT OF MY BRAIN ON THE TRAIN..."
I've been to Chicago at least four other times in the last 25 years, but this trip was my first experience with riding the El trains, and I was greatly impressed with how easy it is to get from one side of town to the other and back. I've ridden St. Louis' MetroLink trains many times and enjoyed them, but the El is a totally different animal. The ride into town from the O'Hare area was especially fun, and I was amazed at the way the train went screaming past numerous two-story houses and coming literally within five feet of people's bedrooms, 
which we can only hope are occupied by the deaf. I wasn't even sure where I was when I got off the train underground inside The Loop, so my attitude was like "surprise me", and when I reached daylight again, I was right smack dab in front of the famed Chicago Theater, not far from Marina City and the Chicago Riverwalk. It took me a while to decipher all the color-coded train lines, but once I did, I had no trouble getting from downtown to Comiskey Park then back to downtown and up to Wrigley Field and ultimately over to United Center for the Blackhawks game. The train rides were also a fun and unique opportunity to do a little people-watching during evening rush hour. There was even a guitar player in the bowels of the subway (Johnny, I presume) "down in the tunnel tryin' to make it pay", as the Dire Straits song goes. I found the entire El system to be totally fascinating in its scope, and I marvel at how efficiently it gets all those millions of people from place to place—Chicago would be a total clusterfuck without it.
VERTIGO IN REVERSE?
It's been a while since I've been around buildings this tall in person, and I was taken aback when I looked up at this over-sized Thermos bottle.
These two rascals are pretty imposing from ground level, too...
DISCO DEMOLITION, ANYBODY?
And here's the site of the infamous "Disco Sucks" riot thirty years ago this summer, better known as old Comiskey Park on the South Side. The White Sox paved paradise and put up this parking lot, but at least had the good sense to mark where home plate was (relatively speaking anyway—home plate at Comiskey got moved around a lot over the years from season to season). I still, for the life of me, can't understand why they didn't point the new stadium (U.S. Cellblock Field nextdoor) toward downtown instead of toward the projects where J.J., Thelma and the Militant Midget lived.
"WELL, THERE WAS ONE THING I WAS SURE PROUD TO SEE..."
...there wasn't a soul up in Section La-Dee-Dah—the skyboxes at the United Center—during the Blackhawks game I attended. One fan I spoke to told me that's not uncommon during both 'Hawks and Bulls games at the UC, which otherwise is usually packed to the gills every night. As for United Center overall, it's big, it's pretty, it's functional—and about as soulless as a Pat Boone record when compared with its predecessor, the mighty Chicago Stadium, which used to sit right across Madison Street. Even with 21,000 people screaming as loud as they can during the singing of the "Star-Spangled Banner", "The Roar" wasn't nearly as ear-splitting as it once was across the street. Still fun, though, and a great way to get pumped-up for a game. Another new wrinkle at Blackhawks game that I love is the celebratory tune played after each 'Hawks goal, "Chesea Dagger" by a group called the Fratellis, which has become an instant favorite of mine. Goofy little song, but it sounds great with an arena full of people chanting the "Dut-duh-duh-dut" parts. Another thing I was pleased to see was how well they've cleaned up the area surrounding the venue, which was once a major ghetto and shooting gallery, and I felt perfectly safe walking to and from the El three blocks away. Meantime, the 'Hawks were leading those evil Vancouver Canucks 2-1 when I left about midway through the third period, but Vancouver scored two late goals and won 3-2. I knew I shouldn't have left them alone...
HI, BOB!
And this would be Bob and Emily Hartley's deee-luxe apartment building in the sky. Doesn't look like it's changed much in 35 some-odd years. If you're looking for it yourself while visiting Chi-Town, it's located at 5901 N. Sheridan Road, which morphs into Lake Shore Drive not far from Wrigley Field.
NOT PICTURED, BUT WORTH MENTIONING...
—I was quite pleased with my rented Ford Focus from Enterprise, which not only got damn good gas mileage (32 mpg on the highway), but was fully-loaded with a six-disc CD changer and Sirius XM satellite radio. This was my first extended taste of non-terrestrial radio, and I got spoiled with it real quick. I loved the '60s, '70s and '80s channels, as well as the numerous different Rock genre channels. But I have to draw the line at the Springsteen Channel—you can track through his entire catalog in less than 24 hours, I would think. And the Grateful Dead Channel? Obee-kaybee. There's even a Martha Stewart Channel. Oy!
—Another pleasant surprise was the eye-candy I encountered on the streets of downtown Chicago—attractive women in skirts! Working in the medical field, all I see anymore are chicks in scrubs, so I felt like I was on parole when I saw numerous fashionably-dressed cuties of various ages roaming the streets of the Windy City, many of them in boots, to boot. Haven't seen that many girls in boots in the same place since Nancy Sinatra's video! Naturally, when I got back to town here, I decided to pay a visit to our downtown in hopes of seeing more of the same, but evidently the Great Skirt Embargo is still in force here, as all I saw were gals in pants, even during the heart of the lunch hour. We are so lame here. D'oh!
—There is a Denny's eatery within walking distance of the hotel I stayed at, so I hoofed it over there for dinner one evening around 7:45, and I shit you not—I was the only customer in the whole place! If it were 4:00 in the blessed A.M., this might not shock me, but it seemed pretty odd just after the dinner rush.
—On the way out of town, I endeavored to find Michael Jackson's boyhood home in Gary, Indiana, but was unable to (based on the incorrect info I had) even after Mapquesting the place. Meantime, I got a firsthand visual on why Gary has such a poor reputation—what a depressing shithole of a city! Slummy houses, crappy streets, dead animals everywhere—no wonder Joe Jackson whored out his talented kids to escape the clutches of such a moribund town. Downright fugly...
CHARLIE PARKER LIVES?
Five hours out of K.C., my first stop was this oddball little quonset hut known as Charlie Parker's Diner in Springfield, IL, home of their trademark "Horseshoe" meals. CP's has been featured on Food Network's "Drive-Ins, Diners and Dives" and I'm quickly discovering that even when the featured food looks really good on TV, it doesn't always live up to expectations in person. I had the ham-and-egg horseshoe, which is a piece of toast with the ham and eggs on top of it, smothered by a plateful of hash browns topped off by gooey cheese sauce. Dandy tasting, up to a point, but the cheese kinda overwhelms the whole thing after eating about half of it, and I found it slightly underwhelming overall. Still, it's not bad at all for the price ($5.95), and I give the place extra points for the numerous '50s/'60s/'70s record albums (and jackets) that adorn the walls therein, especially the Dave Edmunds albums. Kinda hard to find the place, but it's worth a stop if you're ever in the Springfield area.LIVIN' IN THE LAP OF LUXURY
Or at least the belly-button of it, anyway. Check out the room I stayed in, complete with wall-mounted flat screen Philips TV, spacious bathroom and two double-beds. Think I stayed at a semi-upscale hotel chain? Guess again—it was a Motel 6, of all things! I stayed at this same location in Arlington Heights near O'Hare Airport about seven years ago, and it was pretty nice then, but they've since remodeled and it's now easily the nicest Motel 6 I've ever lodged at. Even better, my room normally rents for 90 bucks a night, but I got it for the low, low price of $32.95 a night, thanks to my Internet rate and the hotel industry's current desperation to fill rooms.REALLY GETTING MY GOAT
As planned, I paid a visit to the infamous Billy Goat tavern in the heart of Chicago's downtown underworld on lower Wacker drive, just a few blocks from the John Hancock building and Marina City. The Goat is the original home of the late John Belushi's legendary "Cheezeborger! Cheezeborger! Cheezeborger!" skits on "Saturday Night Live", and while the layout was a bit different than the one on SNL, the feeling was pretty much the same. That's my double cheezeborger and cheeps, and unlike on SNL, you can get a Diet Coke instead of Pepsi, if you dare. The cheezeborger was nothing terribly spectacular, but it hit the spot and I can now say I've been to Da Goat. The walls of the place are also adorned with numerous old newspaper articles about the guy who owned it and put the "Curse of The Goat" on the beloved Cubbies."OUT OF MY BRAIN ON THE TRAIN..."
I've been to Chicago at least four other times in the last 25 years, but this trip was my first experience with riding the El trains, and I was greatly impressed with how easy it is to get from one side of town to the other and back. I've ridden St. Louis' MetroLink trains many times and enjoyed them, but the El is a totally different animal. The ride into town from the O'Hare area was especially fun, and I was amazed at the way the train went screaming past numerous two-story houses and coming literally within five feet of people's bedrooms, 
which we can only hope are occupied by the deaf. I wasn't even sure where I was when I got off the train underground inside The Loop, so my attitude was like "surprise me", and when I reached daylight again, I was right smack dab in front of the famed Chicago Theater, not far from Marina City and the Chicago Riverwalk. It took me a while to decipher all the color-coded train lines, but once I did, I had no trouble getting from downtown to Comiskey Park then back to downtown and up to Wrigley Field and ultimately over to United Center for the Blackhawks game. The train rides were also a fun and unique opportunity to do a little people-watching during evening rush hour. There was even a guitar player in the bowels of the subway (Johnny, I presume) "down in the tunnel tryin' to make it pay", as the Dire Straits song goes. I found the entire El system to be totally fascinating in its scope, and I marvel at how efficiently it gets all those millions of people from place to place—Chicago would be a total clusterfuck without it.VERTIGO IN REVERSE?
It's been a while since I've been around buildings this tall in person, and I was taken aback when I looked up at this over-sized Thermos bottle. These two rascals are pretty imposing from ground level, too...
DISCO DEMOLITION, ANYBODY?
And here's the site of the infamous "Disco Sucks" riot thirty years ago this summer, better known as old Comiskey Park on the South Side. The White Sox paved paradise and put up this parking lot, but at least had the good sense to mark where home plate was (relatively speaking anyway—home plate at Comiskey got moved around a lot over the years from season to season). I still, for the life of me, can't understand why they didn't point the new stadium (U.S. Cellblock Field nextdoor) toward downtown instead of toward the projects where J.J., Thelma and the Militant Midget lived."WELL, THERE WAS ONE THING I WAS SURE PROUD TO SEE..."
...there wasn't a soul up in Section La-Dee-Dah—the skyboxes at the United Center—during the Blackhawks game I attended. One fan I spoke to told me that's not uncommon during both 'Hawks and Bulls games at the UC, which otherwise is usually packed to the gills every night. As for United Center overall, it's big, it's pretty, it's functional—and about as soulless as a Pat Boone record when compared with its predecessor, the mighty Chicago Stadium, which used to sit right across Madison Street. Even with 21,000 people screaming as loud as they can during the singing of the "Star-Spangled Banner", "The Roar" wasn't nearly as ear-splitting as it once was across the street. Still fun, though, and a great way to get pumped-up for a game. Another new wrinkle at Blackhawks game that I love is the celebratory tune played after each 'Hawks goal, "Chesea Dagger" by a group called the Fratellis, which has become an instant favorite of mine. Goofy little song, but it sounds great with an arena full of people chanting the "Dut-duh-duh-dut" parts. Another thing I was pleased to see was how well they've cleaned up the area surrounding the venue, which was once a major ghetto and shooting gallery, and I felt perfectly safe walking to and from the El three blocks away. Meantime, the 'Hawks were leading those evil Vancouver Canucks 2-1 when I left about midway through the third period, but Vancouver scored two late goals and won 3-2. I knew I shouldn't have left them alone...HI, BOB!
And this would be Bob and Emily Hartley's deee-luxe apartment building in the sky. Doesn't look like it's changed much in 35 some-odd years. If you're looking for it yourself while visiting Chi-Town, it's located at 5901 N. Sheridan Road, which morphs into Lake Shore Drive not far from Wrigley Field.NOT PICTURED, BUT WORTH MENTIONING...
—I was quite pleased with my rented Ford Focus from Enterprise, which not only got damn good gas mileage (32 mpg on the highway), but was fully-loaded with a six-disc CD changer and Sirius XM satellite radio. This was my first extended taste of non-terrestrial radio, and I got spoiled with it real quick. I loved the '60s, '70s and '80s channels, as well as the numerous different Rock genre channels. But I have to draw the line at the Springsteen Channel—you can track through his entire catalog in less than 24 hours, I would think. And the Grateful Dead Channel? Obee-kaybee. There's even a Martha Stewart Channel. Oy!
—Another pleasant surprise was the eye-candy I encountered on the streets of downtown Chicago—attractive women in skirts! Working in the medical field, all I see anymore are chicks in scrubs, so I felt like I was on parole when I saw numerous fashionably-dressed cuties of various ages roaming the streets of the Windy City, many of them in boots, to boot. Haven't seen that many girls in boots in the same place since Nancy Sinatra's video! Naturally, when I got back to town here, I decided to pay a visit to our downtown in hopes of seeing more of the same, but evidently the Great Skirt Embargo is still in force here, as all I saw were gals in pants, even during the heart of the lunch hour. We are so lame here. D'oh!
—There is a Denny's eatery within walking distance of the hotel I stayed at, so I hoofed it over there for dinner one evening around 7:45, and I shit you not—I was the only customer in the whole place! If it were 4:00 in the blessed A.M., this might not shock me, but it seemed pretty odd just after the dinner rush.
—On the way out of town, I endeavored to find Michael Jackson's boyhood home in Gary, Indiana, but was unable to (based on the incorrect info I had) even after Mapquesting the place. Meantime, I got a firsthand visual on why Gary has such a poor reputation—what a depressing shithole of a city! Slummy houses, crappy streets, dead animals everywhere—no wonder Joe Jackson whored out his talented kids to escape the clutches of such a moribund town. Downright fugly...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
