Wednesday, January 31, 2007

57 Channels And Nothin' On...

That’s one of my favorite song titles of all-time (thanks, Mistah Springsteen!), and it pretty well summed-up my channel-surfing exploits when I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep for some reason the other night.  Most times I can find an old favorite movie or at least a "M*A*S*H" rerun to occupy my brain, but there wasn’t squat on the tube that night.

On the infomercial front, I stumbled across my buddy Esteban (see previous post) on two different channels, as well as that faggy-looking guy hawking his "colon-cleanser" thing on three different channels, not to mention that obnoxious exercise bozo with the ponytail sticking out of his hat.  ESPN offered a choice of that phony Winter X-Games tripe (where they just kinda make up the events as they go along) or the "World Poker Lard-Butts Championships".  How many times do I gotta say this?  POKER IS NOT A SPORT!!!  Meantime, "Roseanne" and "Coach" reruns were on Nick At Nite, "Gunsmoke" was on TV Land, the sleazy faith healers were on BET and our old friend Rev. Jimmy Swaggart was on Spike TV begging for money as usual, so it was looking pretty bleak for me.

I got so desperate that I actually found myself watching the Home Shopping Network where these two gals were hawking hairpieces.  Hard to imagine anyone getting the urge to order up a wig at 3:30AM, but apparently some women do.  I also thought it rather odd that one of the hostesses was dressed like she should have been home scrubbing her toilet instead of being on TV, until I realized she was modeling the crap they were hawking in the next segment after the wigs!

I finally gave up altogether when I flipped back to ESPN and that damn Enzyte "natural male enhancement" commercial was on with that "Bob" geek smiling at me.  How can it be "natural" if you have to take drugs to get it up?  No thanks—I don’t need any drugs to get my Little General to work, AND if taking this stuff renders you looking like this cretin, I think I’d rather be impotent!

To avoid insomnia in future, I’m going to buy myself a copy of that Gwyneth Paltrow movie The Hours and keep it handy—I’ve heard that thing can put ANYONE to sleep!