On to new business...

Enough celebrating, it's time to rant again!

HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN, REVISITED
Nine dead in an Omaha shopping mall, thanks to some 19-year-old high school dropout loser with an assault rifle.  Okay, explain this to me one more time like I'm a four-year-old:  what the fuck does any ordinary citizen need with an assault rifle?  And don't give me all that NRA mantra about the right to protect one's family, either!  Hell, these NRA fuckers care more about their damn guns than they do about their own familes anyway.

THEY NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?—PART I
Per his usual, Dubya still insists on stirring up some shit with Iran, even after reports came out this week that new intelligence info indicates that Iran abandoned its nuclear program four years ago.  Just once, can't this misguided moron admit he's wrong about something?

THEY NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?—PART II
The religious right are once again getting their collective panties in a wad over yet another movie, The Golden Compass, claiming that it promotes atheism.  Okay, I'm going to play my it's-just-a-movie card one more time, here.  Just as they did with Da Vinci Code, Last Temptation of Christ and Passion of The Christ, the God Squadders are drawing tons of undue attention and publicity to a movie that could just as easily fade away without a trace if they'd just keep their yaps shut...

YOU CALL THIS NEWS?
It snowed in Baltimore last night!  Three whole inches!!  That was one of the big stories on CNN this morning, complete with footage of a snow plow clearing an airport runway.  Why is this even considered newsworthy?  Now, if it snows in Baltimore on the 4th of July, that's worth mentioning!  If it snows in Miami or Honolulu, then fine, tell us all about it, but I don't wanna hear about minor snowfall anywhere north of North Carolina on network TV news...

SPEAKING OF SNOW...
We got about an inch or so of it today (not newsworthy).  And naturally, as part of the on-going pussification of American school kids, several school districts closed early today, never mind that there wasn't even enough snow to cover the grass and some of it was actually melting off the roads by late afternoon...

THE PIANO MAN COMETH
Billy Joel should be taking the stage as I type this as the Sprint Center.  I've always wanted to see him in concert, and thought about going tonight, but I just couldn't stomach forking over 60 bucks just to sit behind the stage.  Oh well, there are plenty of other good concerts coming to Kansas City soon, like Kid Rock, Wayne Newton and Air Supply.  I think I'm going to cry...

GREAT BAND NAME
VHS Or Beta—I read about them in the paper today.  I'm sure there's a band out there called Paper or Plastic too.  By the way, I will defend the Beta videotape format to my death vs. the overrated VHS...

MORE GREAT BAND NAMES
Top 5 names of tribute bands for '80s group The Outfield:
1) The Infield
2) Third Base Line
3) On-Deck Circle
4) Dugout
5) Pitcher's Rubber

MAN OR MACHINE?
I heard the 1986 song "Human" by The Human League the other day, and it reminded me of a funny story from my radio days.  The Transtar satellite folks (who provided us with the bulk of our programming day) often played these "drop-ins" between songs to promote the station ("your home for the greatest hits", for example).  One of them included a snippet from "Human", but for some reason the tape was really slow on that one, thus making the vocals sound most decidedly un-human during the "I'm only human" chrous!  "Iiiiii'mmmmm oooonnnllyy huuuuuuumannnnnnn..."

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #62
"School's Out"--ALICE COOPER (1972) "School's been blown to pieces"  Not me this time, but rather the band Krokus in their totally unnecessary 1986 cover version of Big Al's classic when they sang "School is closed for recess."

GREAT GIFT IDEA
And one of the greatest improvements to an existing product ever—it's the Dr. Laura Dartboard!  Hurry, though—supplies are limited...