'Gone With The Wind'--The Sequel (Almost)

WHERE HAVE YOU GONE, JOE DiBLOGGIO?
Still here, folks—I’ve just been busy with remodeling concerns and yardwork and haven’t had much blogging time.  I was actually planning to post last night, but we here in the Kansas City area were rudely interrupted by Mother Nature and her insipid thunderstorm/tornado outbreak which caused me to unplug the computer and batten down the hatches here at the homestead around 7:45.  For once, Channel 5 weather maven Katie Horner’s wall-to-wall coverage—"Stormgasms", as they’re known around here—was warranted, because there was quite a bit of storm damage all over town, particularly north of the Missouri River.  Just to give you an idea of nature’s fury, I passed a metal freeway sign on the way to work this morning that was literally folded over in half.  I lost a pretty sizeable tree limb in my front yard in last night’s folderol, but ho harm, no foul.  As usual, my crawl space was a lake, but thanks to my handy submersible pump, "Li’l Herk" as I call him (as in Hercules), I’m literally able to keep my house (and head) above water.  Hercules!  Hercules!  Hercules!

I GOT A QUESTION FOR…
…any readers who subscribe to DirectTV. If so, are they any good?  I’m quite anxious to dump Compost, er uh, Comcast cable in favor of a better (and cheaper) alternative, so I’m trying to find out what I can about DirectTV, as I’ve received a couple of rather enticing offers from them lately.  Inquiring mind wants to know if they’re the real deal or if they’re just blowing smoke up my ass.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.

PUT A SOCK IN IT, ASSHOLE!
Is anyone else besides me and Barack Obama getting real tired of this Rev. Wright douche-bag, yet?  I was proud to see Obama finally denounce this jagoff, although it may be too little, too late to save his campaign.  Religious "leaders" like Wright are a major reason why I am a non-believer.  It’s like every one of them—be it Pat Robertson, Al Sharpton, Fred Phelps, those polygamist sect creep-azoids, whoever—has their own version of God and the Bible to suit their own personal agendas, and until they all at least get on the same page, I’m not buying any of it.  As for Rev. Wrong, to go around claiming that the U.S. government invented AIDS just to wipe out black people in America is beyond ignorant.  Never mind that people of other races die of AIDS too, huh Rev.?  And to paraphrase the late John Lennon, "…if you go carryin’ pictures of Rev. Farrakhan, you ain’t gonna make it with anyone, anyhow…"  Ignorant bigots…

STRAIGHT UP, NOW TELL ME…
…y’all didn’t actually think there was any credibility on "American Idol" before Paula Abdul’s little FUBAR this week, did you?  Surely you jest…

VOUS EST STUPIDE!
I know this is a bit belated, and pardon my fractured French here, but that’s my opinion of the Montreal Canadiens fans who rioted in the streets a couple weeks back following a playoff win.  The Habs are the New York Yankees of hockey with their 24 Stanley Cup championships, but that didn’t stop some miscreants from vandalizing shops and overturning cop cars and burning them in best Detroit-style following their win in Game 7 against Boston.  All this carnage over a first-round series victory?!?  And against the Bruins, a team they routinely defeat in the playoffs, anyway?!?  This is akin to Yankee fans going loco after beating Tampa Bay.  I don’t mean to rip on the good people of Montreal here, but I say to those dunderhead Canadiens fans who caused all the damage, "act like you’ve been there before—because you have!"

THE EMPIRE IS CRUMBLING…
I knew it was just a matter of time before Miley Cyrus would step on her winkie and do something stupid to tarnish her image by posing semi-nude for overrated arty-farty photographer Annie Leibowitz, thus causing the parents of Miley/Hannah Montana fans to get their collective panties in a twist (understandably).  Just as well, as Miley is a victim of overexposure anyway—in more ways than one, now—and she needs to quietly go away…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #79
"Nobody Told Me"—JOHN LENNON (1984)  "There’s Nazis in the bathroom, just below the stairs…"  Recorded obviously before his tragic demise in 1980, but not released until ’84, I thought John sang, "There’s nasties in the bathroom…"  That’s actually true in my house from time to time—good thing my toilet works!  I know…T.M.I., T.M.I….

ROGER WON’T-CO
I’m normally not one to enjoy the whole celebrity gossip milieu, but I’m rather enjoying watching Roger Clemens being dragged through the mud now.  I thought he was a total dickhead long before this steroid scandal hit, so it couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.  Since he filed a defamation of character lawsuit against this Brian McNamee character, McNamee and his lawyers decided to play dirty and dig up all sorts of dirt on The Rocket, including illicit affairs with alleged country singer Mindy McCready (who?!?) and golfer John Daly’s ex-wife.  Hell, he probably dated the mother from "That ‘70s Show", Pamela Anderson’s manicurist and half the Rockettes, for all we know.  The moral of this story is, to paraphrase Fred Sanford, "He who liveth by the needle shall be stucketh!"

As for McCready, who is supposedly in the process of making a comeback album, I believe you have to actually have a career first before you can stage a comeback!  As the late Billy Preston sang, "Nothin' from nothin' is nothin'."

ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED
In recent months, every now and then I kept hearing this mysterious loud noise in my house that sounded like a jackhammer.  It seemed to be coming from my crawl space, where my furnace is housed, and at first I thought the damn thing was about to blow up.  Well, last week while doing yardwork outside, I heard the same noise but this time I saw where it was coming from—it was a deranged woodpecker hammering away on the aluminum hood that covers my furnace exhaust pipe that runs through my roof!  I say again, a freakin' woodpecker hammering away on aluminum!  This is one of the rare times I wish I did have a gun, because I'd have blown Woody back to the Stone Age...