I'm Brian Holland and I approve this message

Why shouldn’t I? I’m writing the blasted thing!

POLITICS SCHMOLITICS
Why do the candidates have to utter that stupid phrase even on the commercials where they’re the one doing all the talking?  And John McCain using Paris Hilton in his campaign ads to slam Obama—aren’t we getting a tad desperate, Big John?

AND IF I AM ELECTED…
…my first official act will be to outlaw electioneering at the polls.  I get so sick of this every time I go to vote and wind up being hounded by these schmucks passing out their leaflets and flyers for their candidates and issues.  On Tuesday, I was accosted by this old redneck Shriner who practically hovered over my car until I got out just to tell me all about his Republican hero that I wasn’t about to vote for anyway.

WE FORSAKE YOU, GONNA RAPE YOU, LET’S FORGET YOU BETTER STILL…PHILL
There was one thing I was sure proud to see in Tuesday’s results—Johnson County district attorney Phill Kline getting whooped by the other Republican in the primary.  I don’t live in Johnson County, Kansas, but I work there, and I’m tickled to see this Neolithic dipshit lose. For the uninitiated, Mr. Phill (yes, that’s how he spells his first name) is the over-zealous anti-abortion activist who when he was Kansas Attorney General, violated patient privacy laws in his attempt to shut down numerous abortion clinics in the state to further his political agenda.  I thought Kline was well on his way to mangling up the much-publicized Kelsey Smith murder trial until the loser that killed her admitted his guilt.  I still find it very disingenuous that Mr. “Pro-Lifer” Kline was going to seek the death penalty on the creep if the trial had gone the distance.  Now Phill can go crawl back under his rock, but fat chance he will…

SKIP CARAY, 1939-2008
Sad news out of the baseball world over the weekend with the passing of Atlanta Braves announcer Skip Caray.  I was a huge fan of his dad Harry Caray during the ‘80s while watching the Cubs on WGN, but Skip became a favorite of mine as well.  I don’t really give a rip about the Braves, but I always enjoyed their telecasts, particularly when Skip was paired with either Ernie Johnson or Pete Van Wieren.  As much as I loved Harry and his “homer-ism” histrionics as the ultimate Cub Fan/Bud Man, I loved Skip’s relaxed low-key style just as much, as well as his sardonic sense of humor, like when he would read the promos for whatever upcoming TBS late movie followed the ballgame, and no one could utter the name “Chipper Jones” quite like him.  Skip wasn’t afraid to give an honest answer either, like the time in the ‘80s when Van Wieren asked him if he liked the San Diego Padres’ new uniforms.  “Not really,” was Skip’s reply.  None of that sugar-coating like you get from so many of today’s play-by-play guys, including Skip’s own son, Chip, who I used to really like when he was with the Cubs, but now that he’s the main voice of TBS’ Game of The Week coverage, not so much.  Sadly, Chip is morphing into Joe Buck, Jr., and that’s not good.  Anyway, rest in peace, Skip…

ON THE MEND
Evidently, actor Morgan Freeman is not an excellent driver, as he got banged-up pretty good the other day in a car accident near his home in Mississippi.  I’m very familiar with the highway he wrecked on, as it’s the same road where my uncle used to live near the town of Charleston.  I was unaware that Freeman lived in that area, and even more surprised to learn that he was driving a 1997 Toyota.  One would think that an Oscar-winning actor could afford a better ride than that, but then again, an 11-year-old rice-burner actually IS a luxury car in that neck of the woods!  And I suppose it’s easier for him to blend in driving a car like that than some Hummer that would stand out like that token white couple on the dance floor on “Soul Train”.  Hopefully, Freeman will be up and narrating again in no time at all.

UNCLEAR OF THE CONCEPT?
I passed a church on the way home last night with a big sign promoting its upcoming Oktoberfest celebration—scheduled for September 9-13!  What’s the hurry?  Does this mean Christmas will be held on Thanksgiving this year, too?

MARK MY WORDS
Brett Favre playing for the New York Jets is going to be shades of Johnny Unitas with the Chargers and Joe Namath with the Rams in the ‘70s—i.e., it’s going to be ugly, folks.  Meantime, I haven’t decided which is worse—the way Favre has dominated the preseason headlines on ESPN, or the way the Michael Vick thing did at this time last year.  In both cases, their omnipresence is suffocating.

I’D RATHER WALK!
I heard on the news last night that the venerable JetBlue airline will now start charging passengers $10 a head (literally) for pillows!  Why don’t the airlines just jack up the airfares instead of nickel-and-diming people over every little amenity in flight?  Meantime, an easy way to circumvent this silly charge is to just roll up a pair of sweatpants in your carry-on bag—they make great pillows in a pinch…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #92
“Happiness Is A Warm Gun”—THE BEATLES (1968)  “Mother Superior jumped the gun.”  It took me a few spins to figure out that Lennon wasn’t singing “Mothers who fear it jump the gun.”

BEST OF THE WORST
I read somewhere on the ‘Net the other day that the late George Carlin and the late Richard Pryor were both voted the greatest comedians of all-time.  No argument there in either case, but it got me to wondering who the worst comedians of all-time are.  Here’s my list:

10) Frank Caliendo (His John Madden impressions are impressive, but that’s about it)
9) Sinbad (This guy has yet to make me laugh)
8) Richard Belzer (Ditto)
7) Jimmie Walker (About as jive as you can get)
6) Martin Mull (Martin Dull is more accurate)
5) Father Guido Sarducci (He’s a great cure for insomnia)
4) Bob Saget (Laughing at one’s own jokes is never the sign of a good comedian)
3) Al Franken (This guy is just a snarky smart-ass to me, and his political leanings are totally irrelevant in my eyes)
2) Chevy Chase (Overrated as all get-out for that first season on “SNL”)
1) [tie] Carrot Top/Pauly Shore (Self-explanatory)