The good Dr. Sardonicus sent me a heartfelt and much-appreciated response to my recent series of posts regarding my love-life and I want to expand a bit more on it because he raised some excellent points.
I admire that you had the guts to bare your soul like this.
It seems to me that you have met a couple of women who could have given you the relationship you desire, but for one stumbling block-they wanted children, and you didn't. Again, it was admirable that you were up-front with Rose when so many other men would have led her on and gotten some poon for a few months before breaking the news they didn't want kids. The reason jerks get laid is that they're willing to say anything to get what they want, and they don't care who gets hurt in the long term. I'm afraid that children are going to remain the main obstacle for you in finding a long-term relationship. Most of the women you meet within your age range from here on out will have children from previous relationships, though by now many of them will be grown. Not saying you won't meet a woman in the 35-45 age range who neither has children nor wants any, but you're narrowing your choices considerably. Also, you've lived alone for so long now that sharing your home would be a major adjustment for you. At the same time, you've been able to travel and have other experiences that would not necessarily been possible had you fallen in love and married. You get to do pretty much anything you want when you're single. I'd say enjoy life, and take things as they come, and you just might yet find who you're looking for.
Like I say, there hasn’t even been anyone to come along in years that’s even remotely interested me, kids or no kids, and I find that troubling. If I were merely looking to get laid, I’d have taken care of that years ago. I'm sure I could've found someone who was an "easy lay" or frequented an escort service, but that's just not my style. I guess I’m a bit old-fashioned in this regard, because to me, sex is something you earn. As my underwhelming experience with Lisa #1 taught me, sex is pretty empty unless you have strong feelings for the other person, therefore I don’t go around sticking my Li'l General in just anyone. Besides, having mutual strong feelings for each other heightens the sexual experience exponentially.
As for not wanting kids, I do realize it severely limits my prospects, but I know my own limitations, and I just don’t function well around children, much less have any desire to help raise them. And I know this sounds incredibly selfish on my part, but if and when I do find a new significant other, I want her all to myself, without all the distractions. After 25 some-odd years of virtual starvation in terms of relationships, can you blame me? You’re right—being single, I’ve been very lucky and have done a lot of cool things in my life in terms of travel, attending concerts, sporting events and so forth, but I’d gladly trade a few of those experiences for some genuine love and affection from someone. Hell, traveling with a female co-pilot would be even more fun for me. Also, part of my motivation for remodeling my house is to make it a little more aesthetically-pleasing with an eye toward having female company again someday.
Maybe I have been too picky sometimes in looking for a partner, but I think that’s born out of wanting to avoid falling into the same trap my parents and my brother (and to a lesser extent, my sister) did by settling for the first one that came along and gave them the time of day. Mom and Dad, and my brother and his wife basically painted themselves into their own corners and now just put up with each other in miserable marriages instead of having the balls to end them. Having witnessed this for all these years, I’d rather be alone than settle for just a warm body. Relationships are so foreign to me that I sometimes wonder if it’s worth the bother, yet I still have a strong desire to connect with a woman again, and I find the window of opportunity rapidly closing on me. I know I’m only 44 (going on 45) and hopefully still have plenty of good years ahead of me, but I want have a relationship again before I get too old to fully enjoy it physically.
It just snuck up on me recently that nearly ten years has elapsed since that special time I spent with Stacy, and I find that very depressing—a lot of good years gone to waste. Maybe it’ll be worth the wait, but I can't help but wonder why I've been on the shelf so long. I’ve tried to figure out how much of this inactivity is my own fault and how much is just purely bad luck. I know I need to get out of the house a little more and find some new activities that lend themselves to socializing—something besides band gigs at bars and bowling—but I’m not sure where to turn. I know I also need to work on my physical appearance, i.e., drop some friggin’ weight and dress a little better, to help attract someone. While I’m not the most approachable person in the world and—as this blog attests—I can be a tad opinionated now and then, once you get to know me, I don’t think I’m a bad guy, really. I bathe regularly, I’m a gentleman with the ladies, and I’m not a violent person, but it's like there's this force-field around me that prevents potential partners from getting through.
When it comes to relationships, I feel just like Robert DeNiro in Awakenings—I only get to awaken intermittently. Like Springsteen sang in "Human Touch", "I know I ain’t nobody’s bargain…" but I'd like to think I can still make someone happy.