Beating The Dead Horse, Part II

And now the companion piece to my previous post about that hallowed institution, the (C)Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame.  This is the Crock section...

PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME WHO I THINK SHOULDN’T BE
(In order of un-deservedness)

1) LEONARD COHEN  Who the fuck is Leonard Cohen?  I actually had to look the som-bitch up on the Internet to figure out who he was, and there is nothing even remotely Rock about this Cohen character.  My therapist even said, “Ooooh, I can’t stand Leonard Cohen!” when I mentioned him, and added that if they ever create a lounge-lizard dirty-old-man Hall of Fame, Brother Leo’s a shoo-in for it.  I’d rather see Leonard Nimoy in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame than this goomer!  At least Spock tried singing a few Rock songs.
2) GRANDMASTER FLASH & THE FURIOUS FIVE  A fucking Rap group?!?  Seriously?
3) RUN-D.M.C.  See #2 above.  I don’t mean to sound racist here, but I can’t stand Rap “music”, sorry, Homeys.  It ain’t Rock ‘N’ Roll any more than Zamfir and his pan flute is…
4) THE BEASTIE BOYS  See #s 2 & 3 above.  Black rappers are annoying enough, but white guys doing rap is downright embarrassing…
5) JOHN MELLENCAMP  Successful career, yes, but I just don’t get what this third-rate Springsteen wanna-be hick’s true contribution to Rock music is.  His lyrics are empty-headed and lame, his music is ponderous and boring, and I’ve heard more than one radio industry person say he’s a real jagoff, too.
6) MILES DAVIS  A Jazz player?  Then how come Louis B. "Satchmo" Armstrong ain’t in the Hall?  Davis was arrogant enough that he would tell you himself that he doesn’t belong in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame.  Chuck Berry and Eric Clapton should be in the Jazz Hall of Fame, then…
7) THE SEX PISTOLS  They get in on the basis of ONE freakin’ overrated-as-all-get-out album?  What a joke…
8) PATTI SMITH  In the HOF for what? Being a stuck-up ugly skank with an attitude?  And her biggest hit was written by Springsteen.  Whatever…
9) ELVIS COSTELLO  I’ve tried and tried and tried to get into this guy’s music, and I have failed to do so.  Over-fucking-rated!  He also gets points off for once calling Ray Charles a “blind old nigger”.  No class…
10) THE LOVIN’ SPOONFUL  Very questionable credentials here.  John Sebastian seems like a decent enough duck, and the Spoonful had a nice little chart run in the mid-‘60s, but were they really all that special?  I still think they should have their membership in the HOF rescinded for that gawdawful performance at their induction ceremony—it pays to rehearse a little, fellas, if you haven’t played together in 30 years…
11) PERCY SLEDGE  “When A Man Loves A Woman” is a wonderful ‘60s R&B classic, and Percy had a great voice, but honestly, can someone name anything else this man did to earn induction?  By definition, one-hit wonders should NEVER make the HOF.  Not even Strawberry Alarm Clock, Edison Lighthouse or Steam.
12) THE CLASH  Like Elvis Costello, this is another act I’ve never “gotten”.  I like a few of their songs (namely “Train In Vain” and “London Calling”), but I never saw them as any sort of torch bearers to replace The Who in the ‘80s like they were puffed up to be.  Grossly overrated…
13) THE VELVET UNDERGROUND  Yeah, this arty-farty group really put out some toe-tappers.  Yanni is more Rock ‘N’ Roll than this avant-garde excrement.
14) THE STOOGES  If we were talking Curly, Moe and Larry (and even Shemp and Curly Joe), I’d say okay, but not Iggy and the boys.  Anyone who intentionally slices up his chest with razor blades on-stage is PSYCHOTIC, not a Hall of Famer!
15) VAN MORRISON  Another renowned singer/musician I just can’t get into.  “Domino” and “Brown-Eyed Girl” ain’t bad, but Morrison’s voice is every bit as bland as most of his material, which puts me to sleep.  Zzzzzzz…
16) MADONNA  Yes, the Material Girl turned the Pop world on its collective ear in the ‘80s, but I can’t help but wonder if her induction in the Hall had more to do with creating a buzz for that year’s ceremony than for her actual musical merits.  Wildly successful career, yes, but Hall-worthy?  I don’t think so, Madge.  Oh, and points off for all the lip-syncing during live performances—you ain’t on “American Bandstand” anymore…
17) LAURA NYRO  Semi-prolific songwriter (“Wedding Bell Blues”, “And When I Die”, "Eli's Coming", et al) and inoffensive, for the most part, but how does she rate induction in the HOF?  Not a terribly good singer, either…
18) GUNS ‘N’ ROSES  Debut album was a killer. Use Your Illusion I & II had their moments, but bordered on overkill and were indigestible overall.  G N R Lies?  Meh.  And really, that’s about it.  This band totally underachieved in my eyes—they could’ve/should’ve been the Led Zeppelin of the ‘90s, but imploded in a haze of drugs, inflated egos and arrogance.  No fuckin’ way do they deserve to be in the Hall, especially ahead of the likes of Motorhead and Deep Purple, who paved the way for them.
19) THE (SMALL) FACES  Nice band that had a handful of hits in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.  Does this mean Badfinger, the Buckinghams and the Classics IV make it too?
20) THE STAPLE SINGERS  Again, nice folks who did well on the R&B charts, but hardly in the same league with the Four Tops, Temptations and the Impressions.
21) THE GRATEFUL DEAD  As long as these guys were around, and they only produced about half a dozen memorable songs?  As they like to say on ESPN, come on, Man…
22) DARLENE LOVE  Another entrant from the “nice” category, but hardly Hall-worthy.
23) RITCHIE VALENS  Love Ritchie’s stuff—what precious little there was of it—but I really think his induction in the Hall had more to do with sentimentality and potential than his actual career achievements.  Questionable, at best, and his induction was only made worse by having that wanker Ricky Martin butchering RV’s stuff at the ceremony.
24) THE (YOUNG) RASCALS  Same dynamic as the Lovin’ Spoonful—respectable little chart run for a couple years in the mid-to-late ‘60s, but were they really all that influential or spectacular?  Not especially…
25) RICK NELSON  Overrated teen idol whose heart never really seemed to be in his musical career—even in the ‘70s as an adult.
26) BLONDIE  Over time, I’ve grown to embrace their stuff a little more than I initially did, but to me it was still spotty at best.  I like Debbie Harry a lot, but I think the band itself was overrated.
27) PRINCE  All his pretentiousness and aloofness aside, is “dat little faggot with the earring and the make-up” really Hall-worthy?  Purple Rain (the album) was brilliant and 1999 and a few others weren’t too shabby either, but that’s not enough for me.
28) R.E.M.  Good, but not great band that reigned on ‘80s/’90s college radio.  But the critics love them, hence why they’re in the Hall.
29) THE PRETENDERS  If anything, I think this band underachieved as well, but that’s due in part to the loss of two of its founding members (Pete Fardon and James Honeyman-Scott) within the space of a year.  Again, they were critical darlings, thus they went in the Hall the nanosecond they were eligible.
30) TOM PETTY & THE HEARTBREAKERS  I like Petty, but I don’t really see him as a Hall of Famer.  Nice career, and it didn’t hurt to work with the likes of George Harrison, Jeff Lynne and Bob Dylan, but I’m not completely sold on TP’s induction.