Da Raidas! (extended dance remix)

As with my original Black Oak Arkansas tribute post, I was displeased with the drive-by quality (only two paragraphs?!?) of my initial salute to Paul Revere & The Raiders, which is literally where it all began for me musically, so I will elaborate some more on this wonderful and very unappreciated Rock ‘N’ Roll band.  This is kinda long, but well worth the trip, especially for all youse Raider aficionados out there…

Long before Ted Nugent, long before Gene Simmons, long before Elton John even, my original Rock idol was Mark Lindsay, lead singer of Paul Revere & The Raiders.  My earliest memories of being alive are of standing atop my toy box in our basement, rocking out to PR&TR with my plastic guitar (with the broken strings) at age 3 in 1967, and dreaming of being this cool-looking dude with the ponytail.  The Raiders were MY group almost from Day One, and always will be—they were certainly my first taste of Rock 'N' Roll, and don’t even get me started on why these guys aren’t in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame.  Paul Revere & The Raiders are the Rodney Dangerfields of Rock 'N' Roll, because they sure don't get no respect.  I'd put their stuff up against the Monkees’, Beach Boys’, the (Young) Rascals’, Dave Clark Five’s and Lovin' Spoonful's best stuff any day!

Oddly enough, I can partially thank my ultra-conservative old man's narrow-mindedness for my devotion to this wonderful band.  Dear ol’ Dad deemed The Beatles to be Communists because of Lennon's "We're bigger than Jesus" quote.  This coming from a man who rarely (if ever) attended church himself, yet constantly pissed and moaned about the people who ran our family’s church (shades of A. Bunker), but I digress.  Anyway, Dad deemed the Raiders patriotic (and tame) enough for their records to be allowed in our home when the Fab Four’s weren't.  I can also thank their constant TV exposure on Dick Clark’s “Where The Action Is” for PR&TR being popular at our house, as my older sister really dug their music, as did my older brother, to a lesser extent.  I discovered the magic of The Beatles in my own time as I grew older, so I didn’t miss a thing, and I’m so grateful for being raised on these crazy guys from the Great Northwest with the tri-cornered hats and tight white pants.

Originally known as the Downbeats, Paul Revere & The Raiders had an ever-changing lineup of musicians throughout their history, with Revere and Lindsay being the only two constants during the ‘60s and early ‘70s.  Even Paul had to bow out for a time when he got drafted and one young Leon Russell even subbed for him (Leon Russell & The Raiders?) on tour in 1961.  The Raiders were local favorites in and around the Portland, Oregon area in the early ‘60s and even scored a couple minor instrumental hits on the Gardena label, “Beatnik Sticks” and “Like, Long Hair”, both emphasizing featuring Revere’s piano playing.  The band got its big break when Columbia Records woke up (almost too late) and realized Rock ‘N’ Roll existed in the mid-‘60s and added the Raiders (as well as Bob Dylan and Simon & Garfunkel) to their stodgy roster of artists like Doris Day, Mitch Miller, Rosemary Clooney and Ray Conniff.  PR&TR’s first hit for Columbia was the classic “Louie, Louie”, which of course was an even bigger hit in 1963 for The Kingsmen (also from the Great Northwest) and recorded in the very same studio, no less.  If you listen closely to the Raiders’ version of “Louie x 2”, you can hear Mark Lindsay in the background during the guitar solo utter, “Does she fuck?”

The band’s other big break came when Dick Clark came along and put them on TV to basically serve as the house band on “Where The Action Is”, where they performed other people’s music in addition to their own, as well as zany comedy skits that presaged what the Monkees would later do.  They even appeared in an episode of “Batman”, among other shows, and if anything, the band may well have been a little overexposed on TV, which probably hurt them a bit in the long run.  And while their stage act was highly visual with their Revolutionary War outfits, sex appeal (front man Lindsay, in particular) and intricate dance steps, unlike today’s amateur-ish lip sync-ers, PR&TR actually played live in concert and they were all very capable musicians.

The Raiders’ halcyon days were between ’65 and ’67 with their classic lineup of Drake Levin on guitar (at right in this pic), Phil “Fang” Volk on bass (in the back) and Mike “Smitty” Smith on drums (lower left), in addition to Revere (lower right) on keyboards and Lindsay (upper left) on sax and lead vocals.  While Revere chafed a bit at what he deemed the “cheesy” Farfisa/Vox organ sound of the day (preferring his Fats Domino-inspired boogie-woogie piano sound from those early Gardena records), he couldn’t argue with success, as the Raiders gave even The Beatles a nice run for their money during this period, churning out hits like “Steppin’ Out”, “Just Like Me”, “Good Thing”, “Hungry”, “The Great Airplane Strike”, “Ups And Downs” and their classic anti-drug tune, “Kicks”, all produced by Doris Day’s son, the late Terry Melcher, who also co-wrote several songs with Lindsay.  Their early albums contained mostly cover tunes, but over time, the Raiders played more and more original material and developed their own trademark riffy careening guitar-driven Rock sound that was embraced by all those budding garage bands of the day, not to mention teen audiences on TV and in concert, and a little kid in Raytown, Missouri.

By this time, PR&TR were doing so many TV appearances that the band often couldn’t devote proper time to working in the recording studio, so they sometimes utilized session players on their records like guitarist Ry Cooder and veteran drummer Hal Blaine, whom I believe plays on “Him Or Me-What‘s It Gonna Be?”.  Following this peak period, numerous changes ensued.  Drake Levin left the group to join the National Guard just after to the release of Spirit of ‘67 (in 1966—confused yet?) and was replaced by guitarist Jim Valley, who kinda/sorta bore a resemblance to a certain Marx Brother, hence the nickname “Harpo”.  Less than a year later, Fang and Smitty—irked by the constant use of those session musicians—left the group to form The Brotherhood with Levin (after his Guard hitch ended) and did a couple albums for RCA.  Harpo left not long after that, so by late ’67, Lindsay and Revere overhauled the group by adding guitarist Freddy Weller, bassist Charlie Coe and drummer Joe Correro, Jr.  The first LP release under the re-tooled Raider lineup, Revolution!, was a solid effort with the hit singles “Him Or Me…” and “I Had A Dream”.

After Revolution!, the band began to lose focus.  First, there was the musical (and literal) detour Mark Lindsay took to Tennessee, where he cut a Stax-like R&B album under the band’s name called Goin’ To Memphis with producer Chips Moman in early ’68.  With ML ill-advisedly trying to do a junior James Brown impression, the album yielded just one minor hit, “Peace Of Mind” (not the Boston song), although it did contain a serviceable version of Sam & Dave’s “Soul Man”.  Also by this time, the band ditched the stage get-ups in favor of street clothes, and Paul Revere began a long slow fade to the background of the group.  Lindsay also ended his collaboration with Terry Melcher and more or less carried the group on his back from then on, writing and producing nearly all of the music himself.

By the summer of 1968, the musical landscape had changed vastly from just a year or two before when PR&TR were at the height of their popularity, and the Raiders found themselves at a creative crossroads as heavier bands like The Doors, The Who and Jimi Hendrix Experience now ruled the scene.  Their next release, Something Happening was a schizophrenic album that reflected the musical hodge-podge of the day.  It included a little of everything—a heavy, driving message song (“Too Much Talk”), a little psychedelia (“Get Out Of My Mind”, “Free”), some sugary Archies-like pop fluff (“It Happens Every Day”, “Don’t Take It So Hard”, “Love Makes The World Go ‘Round”), a touch of jazz/fusion (“Communication”) and (at the end of “Burn Like A Candle”) even a bass fart!  The album also included the theme song from the band’s latest TV series, “Happening ‘68”, which morphed into “It’s Happening” in ‘69.

Early ’69 brought the release of my personal favorite Raider album, the appropriately-titled Hard ‘n’ Heavy (with Marshmallow), which is pretty much what you got here.  This time the actual band members played on the entire record, including new bassist and former “Action” regular Keith Allison (cousin of drummer Jerry Allison of Buddy Holly's Crickets), who replaced the departed Charlie Coe.  Hard ‘n’ Heavy was a good mix of Pop pabulum (“Mr. Sun, Mr. Moon”, “Cinderella Sunshine”) and rockers (“Time After Time”, “Without You” and “Out On That Road”).  H 'n' H (w M) also sported what was easily the coolest Raider album cover ever.  Unfortunately, the band’s popularity was beginning to wane as their audience was rapidly outgrowing them.  In the summer of ’69, Paul Revere & The Raiders adopted the pseudonym “Pink Puzz” to test-market their new single “Let Me!” with radio stations and see what response it would render.  Top 40 radio programmers seemed to initially like the song a lot—until they realized they’d been duped and there was a bit of a backlash on the band.  Sounding like it was recorded at the Hard ‘n’ Heavy sessions, “Let Me!” was a killer song, but the rest of the Alias Pink Puzz album was pretty bland, especially compared with its predecessor.

In 1970, the band tried to re-invent itself even more by dropping ‘Paul Revere &’ from their name, thus pushing PR even further to the back of the bus, and creating a major (and understandable) resentment towards Mark Lindsay that I don’t think to this day has been fully resolved.  It also probably didn’t help that Lindsay was distracted by his newly-launched solo career, which yielded hits like “Arizona” , “Silver Bird” , “Miss America” (not the Styx song) and Neil Diamond’s vastly-underrated “And The Grass Won’t Pay No Mind”.  Guitarist Freddy Weller also pursued a solo career and had moderate success on the Country charts, including a successful cover of Joe South’s “Games People Play”.  Meanwhile, the next Raider album, 1970’s Collage, was critically well-received, but a commercial flop, and included the semi-lewd jailbait tune “Just Seventeen”, a track I really like called “Boys In The Band”, and a couple unnecessary remakes of tunes from the Revolution! album, “Tighter” and “Gone, Movin’ On”.  Uh, guys, the originals were better!  Drummer Joe Correro left the band in mid-’71 and original drummer Mike “Smitty” Smith returned, but by this time Paul Revere was practically a non-factor, and things were looking dire, indeed.  But, just when everyone was about to stick a fork in The Raiders, along came a thing called “Indian Reservation (The Lament of The Cherokee Nation)” in the summer of ’71 that became the band’s first and only #1 record.  The follow-up single, “Birds Of A Feather” charted a disappointing #23 and the rest of the Indian Reservation album was largely forgettable, as was their last full-length original LP for Columbia, 1972’s not-really-Country Country Wine.

From ’73 to ’75, the Raiders put out a few singles that stiffed out and Mark Lindsay finally had enough and left the group.  Paul Revere retrofitted the group with some new Raiders and reattached his name to it and has played the nostalgia circuit ever since, including their current semi-permanent gig in Branson, MO with Righteous Brother Bill Medley.  While it’s great that he keeps the group’s name alive, it's too bad Paul Revere himself doesn't revere the band's history more appropriately in Branson, as his act is more like a '60s music revue than a PR&TR show where you get just as much non-Raider fare like “Mony, Mony" and "Heard It Through The Grapevine" as you do “Kicks” and “Hungry”.

There have also been various brief Raider reunions over the years, including one in 1979 of the Levin/Volk/Smith lineup on a Dick Clark TV special, but nothing that truly amounted to anything.  Lindsay, meanwhile, has recorded and performed sporadically since he left the band, and I had the great pleasure of meeting my original idol backstage after a 2001 concert, and he was every bit as cool as I imagined him to be—very gracious and accommodating in signing otto-graphs for everyone in line, and quite a nice man to speak to.  Nearly everyone in that line reminisced about the 1971 Raiders show at Starlight Theater in K.C., which was my very first Rock ‘N’ Roll concert at age 7.  Mr. Lindsay quipped, “I must have been about nine, then…”  The man still looks every bit the youthful stud of a front man he was in the ‘60s in HIS ‘60s.

As often as Paul Revere & The Raiders appeared on television, you’d think there would be a wealth of ‘60s/’70s video offerings of the band on DVD, right?  Guess again. For reasons untold, Dick Clark apparently holds the marketing rights to most of the Raiders’ TV appearances, and to date hasn’t chosen to release any of it.  Come on, Dick, don't be a dick—put this stuff out, already!  Fortunately, a few things have snuck through the cracks and wound up on YouTube, which I’ve provided links to throughout this post for as many of their songs as I could find.

My All-Time Paul Revere & The Raiders Top 25:
Honorable mentions:
“Undecided Man” (1966)  This may well be the most blatant song rip-off in music history, loaded with cellos that sounded suspiciously like “Eleanor Rigby”, which The Beatles had just come out with.  And they thought George Harrison ripped off the Chiffons’ “He’s So Fine”…
“Steppin’ Out” (1965)/“Good Thing” (1966)  Just wanted to acknowledge these two big Raider hits in case anyone wonders why they aren’t in my Top 25.  It’s certainly no slam against these two great tracks—there are just so many other Raider songs that I like even better.
“Why? Why? Why? (Is It So Hard?)” (1966)  It took me many many years to discover what a dirty song title this was!  Cool song, all the same...

25) “I Had A Dream” (1967)  One of the better wet dream songs in Rock history!
24) “Just Like Me” (1966)  You youngin’s out there might be familiar with Pat Benatar’s cool 1981 remake of this one.  Killer guitar work from Drake Levin throughout.
23) “Leslie” (1967)  A little comic relief from Revere on lead vocal, all about a domestic servant and her kick-ass housekeeping prowess.  Paul rips off the Hollywood Argyles’ “Alley-Oop” with the line, “Ooooh, she sho’ is hip, ain’t she?”
22) “Kicks” (1966)  One of the greatest anti-drug anthems of all-time.  Gets its point across without going overboard or being too preachy.  The video here is a bit of an oddity—this is the Weller/Coe/Correro lineup performing a Levin/Volk/Smith-era song.
21) “Mo’reen” (1967)  Cool song off Revolution! that would make the Fuzz Guitar Hall of Fame (if there was one).
20) “Louie, Go Home” (1966)  The sequel to “Louie, Louie”, so to speak.  I have distinct memories of spinning around and making myself dizzy in time to the guitar breaks in this one when I was three or four.  This video is of a different version of the song than the one the Raiders did on record.  The Who also did a similar tune called "Lubie (Come Back Home)" in 1965.
19) “Get It On” (1966)  In a rare show of democracy for a Rock band, the Raiders spread the wealth and let nearly everyone do a lead vocal on each album, and here’s a dandy one from Phil “Fang” Volk.  Not to be confused with the 1971 hit by Chase of the same name.  If you want 30 minutes of pure '60s garage Rock, I highly recommend the Raiders' Midnight Ride CD.
18) “Tighter” (1967)  Short, sweet and trippy tune off Revolution!.  Why they saw fit to remake the song on 1970’s Collage is beyond me—this one was just fine.
17) “Boys In The Band” (1970)  This might’ve been a good hit single had it not been for the band’s flagging popularity at the time. I  love the verse about where each guy is from:  “Mississippi’s on the drums and the bass guitar is from Texas…”, etc.
16) “Ballad Of A Useless Man” (1966)  Not really a ballad, but a humorous ditty with Mark Lindsay posing as a down-and-out suicidal bum who sings, “I done lost my job, I done lost my girl—I'm a no good, useless man…”  Sadly, the song would fit right in during today’s hard economic times.
15) “Out On That Road” (1969)  Fun little romp about being on tour that managed to mix in lines from previous hits like “Kicks” and “Good Thing”.  Check out the suit Mark Lindsay wore in this video—must've borrowed it from the Riddler on "Batman"!
14) “I Hear A Voice” (1967)  This beautiful song off Revolution! was totally different than anything else the Raiders ever did.  It’s just Paul (I assume) on a very echo-y piano and Mark on vocals, all about receiving contact from a female from the beyond.  Reminds me so much of a friend who’s no longer with us.
13) “Too Much Talk” (1968)  This one has a wicked bass line in it during the choruses (by whoever played it).  With its theme about changing the world, it would’ve been perfect for the Obama campaign.  A still photo from the show this video came from adorns the back cover of the Something Happening album.
12) “Cinderella Sunshine” (1969)  Bubble-gum music at its finest!  This one could’ve almost been done by The Archies, but I love it, anyway.  Go with the album version off Hard ‘n’ Heavy instead of the choppy single version, which is featured in this video.
11) ”Get Out Of My Mind” (1968)  Psychedelic song about a guy taking a long drive along the PCH in California in his Ferrari to forget about a girl—sort of a trip within a trip.
10) “Louie, Louie” [Live] (1965)  Skip past the Raiders’ original studio version and go with the live cut from Here They Come!.  Drake Levin just cooks on his guitar solo here.
9) “Louise” (1966)  Hidden gem off Spirit of ‘67 that epitomizes mid-‘60s garage Rock to a tee.
8) “Indian Reservation” (1971)  It’s so strangely ironic that when this one shot up to #1, it was the beginning of the end for the Raidas.  That is indeed Mark Lindsay on lead vocals, not Freddy Weller, as urban legend once had it.
7) “(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone” (1966)  The Monkees had the big hit with this one, but the Raiders recorded it first and their punchier version is far superior.  It packs more of a wallop than the Pre-Fab Four’s cut, and Mark Lindsay’s macho growl blows away Mickey Dolenz’ rather wimpy vocal.
6) “Ups And Downs” (1966)  This virtually-forgotten hit came out as a single during the transitory period between the Levin/Volk/Smith and/or Valley lineup to the Weller/Coe/Correro one.  The Spanish horns during the choruses totally elevated this one into a (lost) classic.  This video is a rare TV appearance by Jim Valley with the Raiders.
5) "Him Or Me-What's It Gonna Be?" (1967)  A high-energy hit that featured some nifty guitar from Freddy Weller (I think) and Mr. Revere (I think) on the rather prevalent piano.  This video from the "Ed Sullivan Show" features the odd combo of Weller/Volk/Smith as the power trio.
4) "Let Me!" (1969)  The only stellar track off Alias Pink Puzz—this one would also make the Fuzz Guitar Hall of Fame (if there was one).
3) "Hungry" (1966)  One of their biggest hits, and one of the last with Drake Levin playing on it. Boyce & Hart practically stole the ending from it on their only hit “I Wonder What She’s Doing Tonight”.  Not sure why Revere has a puppet that looks an awful lot like Kermit The Frog in this video...
2) "The Great Airplane Strike" (1966)  Hilarious song about a poor musician’s travel travails at LAX featuring one of the coolest descending guitar figures you’ll ever hear, played by session musician Jerry Cole.  Ironically, it sounds even better in mono with the actual airplane sound effect on it.  The stereo version has something taking off that sounds like aircraft that NASA would be concerned with instead of the FAA.  Even better, go with what I call the "extended dance remix" version on their excellent Essential Ride 1963-67 CD collection, complete with the airplane and extended jam after the original fade-out.  I made sure to play this one on my iPod as I wandered around that L.A. flyway back in August—but I didn't build myself a fire in the bathroom, as the lyric suggested!
1) "Time After Time" (1969)  Long-forgotten song (except by yours truly) from Hard 'n' Heavy about two times in a row with a killer opening riff, and another entry for the Fuzz Guitar Hall of Fame (if there was one).  The backing track from “Time After Time” was also used in a Pontiac GTO TV ad featuring the band.  That was one bad-ass car, too...

And I command thee to kneel before the...

...Blog of Thunder! (And Rock 'N' Roll...)

Sorry for the lack of new material lately on this blog (hence the wealth of archival stuff lately), but I’ve been tied up with moving furniture out of my computer/stereo chamber for to remodel it.  My temporary PC command post now resides in my living room for the next month or so. I swear, I’ve had my computer in every room of my house at one time or another over the years except the bathroom and the laundry room...

REVOLUTION IN THEIR MINDS, THE CHILDREN START TO MARCH…
My day was made when I read about the kids at Shawnee Mission East High School over on the Kansas side who had the collective balls Thursday to organize en masse and execute a peaceful counter-protest to the Rev. Fred Phelps and his merry band of Neolithic dipshits who were nearby doing their tired old anti-Gay hate-monger shtick.  Even more impressive, the SME students’ parents and school administrators fully supported their counter demonstration, and all the while, the kids raised money for AIDS research “with a goal of raising $250 for every minute the Phelps group stood across the street.”  They apparently succeeded, too.

I’ve long been guilty over the years of labeling the affluent Shawnee Mission school district of being just a bunch of pampered Johnson County snobs, but methinks I should re-evaluate that attitude in light of this overwhelming gesture on their part.  Even if you loathe homosexuality with all your heart (which I don’t), I don’t see how any right-minded American can condone what this human colostomy bag (Phelps) and his sicko "church" promotes, so I salute and applaud these young people for their initiative and their guts.  Maybe there’s some hope for our future leaders, after all—nice going, kids!

YOU VETTER, YOU VETTER, YOU VET!
Just to show I’m not an Obama sycophant (as my good friend John no doubt believes), I’m going to rip on him a little for his poor choices for cabinet posts, namely Tom "Puff Daddy" Daschle and Timothy "Taxman" Geithner.  Just as John McCain did a poor job of vetting Sarah Palin, President O apparently didn’t do his homework on these two tax-evading palookas before nominating them.  What’s worse, Geithner is in charge of all our money now!

However, I do give Obama points for saying, “I screwed up” a mere two weeks into his administration, instead of waiting until two weeks before his term ends to do so like his predecessor did…

ONE TOKE OVER THE LINE?
I’d dearly love to have back the five minutes of my life I wasted today listening to the debate that ensued on ESPN’s “Mike & Mike In the Morning” wherein guest hosts Eric Ca-Silly-Ass (Kuselias) and Mark Schlereth worried and fretted over the fate of swimmer Michael Phelps (no relation whatsoever to the above-mentioned subhuman Phelpses) and his commercial endorsements in light of this photo which came out this week of him smoking a bong.  Who really gives a rat’s sacrum about this?  Is what Phelps did really so dad-blamed terrible?  Yes, I know, marijuana is illegal, but come on—you can get exceedingly more wasted on tequila or bourbon (which are perfectly legal in this country) than you can on pot.  I don’t partake of grass myself, but I don’t see why they don’t just legalize marijuana and tax the shit out of it like they do alcohol.

Then again, nobody forced Phelps to smoke that bong, let alone have his photo taken while doing it.  What he basically did here was shit in his own nest by smoking (dare I say it?) shit!  So, Mikey, if you lose your endorsements and all the moolah that goes with them, all I gotta say is [I can’t resist!], shit happens!

HALEY COMMENTS
As expected, the Kansas City Chefs hired Arizona offensive coordinator Todd Haley as the team’s new skipper, and I’m fairly pleased.  True, he’s unproven as a head coach, but I think he’s got the smarts and the fire down below to be kind of a cross between Mike Shanahan and Bill Cowher.  I don’t expect miracles overnight, but with the right free agent acquisitions and another well-executed draft, I can envision a nice one-season turnaround just like what happened with the Atlanta Falcons this year.  Oh, and send Larry Johnson on a one-way trip to anywhere, too—let him go someplace else where he can’t hold his liquor…

HIRE THE CABLE GUY?
While I’m on NFL coaches, the Oakland Raiders re-introduced interim coach Tom Cable as their head coach this week.  Evidently, no one else wanted the gig, so Cable got the job of dealing with senile owner Al Davis by default.  Bet he doesn’t even last through training camp…

NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE!
For a while now, I’ve been a tad baffled by some of the dismissal decisions made by the Kansas City Star during the economic crunch in terms of featured writers and columnists.  While I pleased to see a hack like gossip guru (or “wonk”, to use his terminology) Hearne Christopher, Jr. get the heave, I was particularly dismayed that they let go of longtime sportswriter Jeff Flanagan—a very good guy, indeed—but kept lifestyle columnist Jenee Osterheldt, whose frivolous commentaries (in what I like to call the “You Go, Girl!” column) are a vapid waste of perfectly good newsprint.  Her flighty columns amount to fluff like how a $200 pair of stilettos can perk up one’s spirits (like any sensible woman could afford them now, anyway), and I wondered how on earth she kept her gig when so many other more credible longtime staffers got axed.

Then I read this week where longtime Star political pundit Rhonda Chriss Lokeman was recently busted for DUI.  Lokeman, a liberal Black woman, had a regular commentary in the Sunday paper for many years (some of which I actually enjoyed), and just so happened to be married to the Star's Mark Zieman, which created a conflict of interest when he was appointed publisher last April, so Lokeman left the Star’s official employ and became a syndicated columnist instead, but her column still appeared in the paper every Sunday, giving the outward appearance that she was still a K.C. Star writer until her December 28th column when she “retired” from the syndicate, three whole days before her DUI arrest.  Now I see why the Star keeps “You Go, Girl!” Osterheldt on the payroll—she’s their only black female columnist remaining!

Meantime, Lokeman claims she only had one glass of wine (yeah, right) when she was pulled over and refused a breathalyzer test, but is suing the state to keep them from taking her driver’s license away.  Her lawyer/spin doctor tried to downplay it by saying “Ms. Lokeman retired from public life some time ago.” [one whole month?!?] “This is a private matter…”  You can bet if Limbaugh or Hannity got busted for DUI, she’d have been all over them like white on rice for it in her column, if she still had one.  Cry me a freakin’ river, Rhonda.  And of course, this reflects really well on Mr. Zieman (an über spin doctor in his own right) in his leadership position at the paper when his wife gets ripped and goes out for a drive.  In the words of Tim Conway's Mr. Tudball, "This is-a almost a-comical..."

CLASSIC MUSICAL TRIVIA TIDBIT #2
“Louie, Louie”—THE KINGSMEN (1963)  There’s a goof in this one right after the guitar solo where the singer comes in too early and sings "Say...", but they left it in anyway.  He pauses, then resumes the next verse shortly afterward.  Even in the video for it, he lip-syncs to the goof! [At the 1:51 mark]

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #7
Ever notice how on TV and movie disc jockeys rarely wear headphones while they’re talking on the air, even while music is playing?  Even “WKRP In Cincinnati” was often guilty of this faux pas.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, there is no way you can open a mic with music still playing over the studio speakers or you’ll have feedback ricocheting everywhere and give yourself and your listeners severe brain damage.  Well, not really brain damage, but you get the idea!

Another lame cliché is the fallacy of radio jocks having sexual relations in the studio (like in the film FM) while on the air.  I can say from personal experience that this is pure science fiction—it sure never happened to me, anyway!  Most (but not necessarily all) DJs are fairly unattractive individuals, hence why they’re on the radio where looks are immaterial, ergo, they are hardly babe magnets!  Then again, DJs do excel with knobs…

A WORKPLACE DILEMMA
Don’t you hate being asked to sign one of those group birthday cards for a co-worker you don’t particularly like?  This has happened a couple times recently at my job, and although I feel like a total ass, I’ve politely declined the request.  If I like the person, I’ll gladly scribble my name and say something cute to brighten their day with, but I think it’s pretty phony to endorse the birthday of someone I dislike or barely even know.  Even phonier, there’s this two-faced woman I work with who often originates these birthday cards for the staff to sign and even brings snack foods for people whom it’s well-known that she can’t stand!  How insincere can you be?

Birthdays are kind of a sore subject with me anyway, since the “what goes around comes around” concept doesn’t seem to apply to me.  I used to be really gung-ho about recognizing friends and co-workers on their birthdays with a card and/or at least a verbal greeting, but over time the favor was rarely returned and my birthday has de-evolved into a routine non-event on a par with mass Sprint layoffs and David Crosby drug busts, so I just kinda stopped going to the extra effort.  Guess that makes me an asshole…

GIVING YOU THE BUSINESS(ES)
Speaking of workplaces, I was thinking the other day about my employment history and the various places I’ve worked since I was 16.  Instead of the actual positions I held, I found it rather interesting to think about it in terms of the actual places I’ve been employed at.  Since 1980, I’ve worked either full- or part-time at the following eclectic mix: a car wash, a family restaurant, a record store, two radio stations, a bank, a newspaper, a loan service company, a hospital, and two medical imaging centers.  Talk about a mixed-bag—as Johnny Cash sang, “I’ve been everywhere, man…”

It was 50 years ago today...

...the "Day The Music Died".  This photo was taken during my first pilgrimage to the crash site near Clear Lake back in 2002—get a load of that George Wendt hair I had!  Anyway, the Des Moines Register did a fine job summing up the whole story better than I ever could.

Rave On, Buddy, J.P. and Ritchie...

Stomp and shout and blog it on out...

THEY GOT THE D.T.'s—FINALLY!
Better late than never, the Pro Football Hall of Fame got it right and will be inducting the late Derrick Thomas this year after five straight years of snubbing him.  He was about as dominant as you get at linebacker in the '90s, and was absolutely one of the most popular sports figures in Kansas City sports history, period.  While I do still have issues with D.T.'s off-field shenanigans—fathering seven children with five different women—I think his induction into the Hall was long overdue.

Even longer overdue was legendary speedster/wideout Bob "World's Fastest Human" Hayes getting voted in, but they finally got it right.  Did I say that about a Dallas Cowboy?!?  Da hell you say...

"Bullet" Bob's induction gives us a ray of hope that my man Otis Taylor might still get his due and make the HOF.  Their career numbers are very comparable:  Hayes had 371 catches for 7,414 yards and 71 TDs, while Taylor had 410 receptions for 7,306 yards and 57 TDs.  If O.T. had played for a higher-profile team (like the Cowboys, for instance), he'd probably already be in the Hall...

BILLY POWELL, 1952-2009
In what is seemingly becoming an annual event anymore, we've lost yet another member of Lynyrd Skynyrd, keyboardist Billy Powell, who died of an apparent heart attack this week.  I think my favorite BP performances would be "Call Me The Breeze" and the live version of "Free Bird" where the late Ronnie Van Zant urged him to "Play it pretty for Atlanta," and he did.  This leaves Gary Rossington (and technically Ricky Medlocke) as the only original members of Skynyrd still with the band.  Original guitarist Ed King (formerly with Strawberry Alarm Clock) and original drummer Bob Burns are still alive as well, but left the group back in the '70s.  Another Free Bird flies on...

THE POWER OF PRAYER?
I've passed several churches in the area here this week with message signs urging people to "Pray for our new President".  Did these same folks pray for the old one?  Fat load of good that did, eh?

SPEAKING OF THE PREZ...
I was most impressed that Mr. Obama actually endorsed the Pittsburgh Steelers to win the big game mañana instead of doing the usual political song-and-dance of not taking sides for fear of offending the other team's fans.  Just coincidental, of course, that John McCain's home state is Arizona...

HERM'S GOT A NEW GIG
Former Chefs head coach Herm Edwards didn't walk the unemployment line for long—he has a new job already, and it's perfect for him.  After all, we're talking about a man who possesses the innate ability to talk your ears off and basically say nothing, so where else should he wind up, but ESPN!

NOW IT CAN BE TOLD...
Check out the very last name on that list—Gene Simmons and I have something in common!  Hate to say it, though, but Diana was a lousy lay...

FUNNY (AND TRUE) STORY
I was reminded of this the other day:  Once upon a time during one of my sojourns at our local flea market to peddle my wares, across the way there was a palm-reader lady (whom I'll call "Miss Cleo").  I watched bemused-ly as a few suckers paid five bucks a shot to have their future predicted.  It was a breezy 55º day, making it a bit chilly at times.  Around Noon time, Miss Cleo wanders over to my table and inquires about that which I was selling (baseball cards, CDs, DVDs, et al).  Then—dressed in a fairly thin leopard-print dress—she proceeds to moan and groan about the chilliness of the day.  I don't mind telling you that I had to bite a damn hole in my lip to keep from saying to her, "Well, didn't you see it coming?!?"

DUMB QUESTION...
...but why does Guy Fieri wear his sunglasses on the back of his head?  In what parallel dork universe has this been deemed to be cool?

GOOD JOKE
A female police officer pulls a man over and arrests him for drunk driving. "Sir," she says, "you have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be held against you."  The drunk replies, "Boobs."

I just can't let this go!

I know once upon a time on this blog, I stated that I wasn’t going to bitch anymore about who’s in and who’s not in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame.  But, just like a crack addict, I just can’t kick the habit, so I’m back in my pulpit to preach the gospel of the truly deserving, and this time, I’m citing precedents to illustrate my points.  These are in no particular order…

Paul Revere & The Raiders  I’ve said it on here many times, this is easily the most underrated Rock band on earth from any era.  The Academy (or whatever you call the panel of "experts" that runs this sham) needs to look past the campy stage act and omnipresence the Raiders enjoyed on TV in the ‘60s and check out their musical output a little more closely.  PR&TR had more sustained chart success than the Lovin’ Spoonful, were every bit as good as—if not better than—the (Young) Rascals and could blow the Beach Boys and Dave Clark Five off any stage, yet those acts are all in the Hall.

Kiss  I think they deserve to get in for their music alone, but in lieu of that, you can’t tell me Madonna got in the Hall solely for her music.  Her induction had just as much to do with her overall impact on popular culture as her musical contributions—some of which are quite good, don’t get me wrong.  Therefore, Kiss should get in because they certainly left their mark on the cultural landscape, and beyond that, there’s no denying Kiss’ influence on the way concerts and sporting events are staged today—watch this weekend’s Super Bowl pre-game show and see if you don’t see a bit of the Kiss influence with the pyro and such.

Three Dog Night  As Randy Raley noted on his blog recently, the big knock against these guys is that they didn’t write their own songs.  So?  The Temptations didn’t write their own stuff, did they?  Nor did the Four Tops.  Dusty Springfield, either.  Yet, they’re all in the HOF, as will be Little Anthony & The Imperials this year.  All great acts, indeed, and if they are allowed in without doing original material, then that argument against Three Dog Night doesn’t wash.  Other than The Carpenters, there wasn’t a more dominant Pop vocal group during the early ‘70s than 3DN.

Neil Diamond  Okay, forget the sparkly shirts he wears in concert and the cheesy palaver he started putting out in the late ‘70s—let’s remember what a truly great songwriter ND is, not to mention that he could rock out as well in his younger days on hits like "Cherry, Cherry" and "Thank The Lord For The Night Time".  Neil was right up there with the likes of Goffin-King in writing Pop classics like "I’m A Believer" and "A Little Bit You, A Little Bit Me" for The Monkees, and his early ‘70s output stacks up with the likes of Paul Simon, and he’s in the Hall as a solo artist.

Deep Purple/Motorhead  The former practically invented Heavy Metal, and the latter made it even faster, so how is it Black Sabbath, AC/DC, Van Halen and Metallica all got in ahead of these two influential bands?  In spite of their numerous personnel changes and incarnations, DP put out some killer stuff over the years, and Metallica themselves have acknowledged that they would never have existed if it weren’t for Brother Lemmy and Motorhead.

Doobie Brothers/Moody Blues/Rush/Chicago  In terms of chart success, popularity and overall impact, the Doobies, Moodies, Rush and Chicago are on a par with the likes of Bob Seger, Tom Petty, Aerosmith, the Eagles and Lynyrd Skynyrd, all of whom are already in the Hall.  Each band had its own unique style or niche, not to mention consistency and longevity—all are still popular concert attractions to this day.

Nick Lowe  This man is renowned in music circles for producing and/or championing numerous Punk/New Wave acts in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s (including one Elvis Costello, who’s already in the Hall) as well as his acclaimed work with Rockpile and as a solo artist.  Critics love this guy, so what gives?

Heart  You can certainly make a case for Ann and Nancy Wilson to make the Hall for their music alone, but also for forming the first major Rock band where women more or less ran the show.  Not since Grace Slick in Jefferson Airplane had a female been considered a peer of the men within the framework of a Rock band.

Pat Benatar/The Go-Go’s  And while we’re making a case for the ladies, what about the two most dominant female acts of the ‘80s?  Pat was/is a strong and independent woman and the The Go-Go’s wrote and performed their own music, which is more than one can say for (as great as they were) The Supremes or Martha & The Vandellas or The Ronettes.

Jim Croce/Stevie Ray Vaughan  Jim and SRV both had careers tragically truncated by aircraft accidents.  So did Ritchie Valens, whose career lasted basically all of eight months, which is about a quarter of the length of Croce’s time in the limelight and a mere fraction of Stevie Ray’s.  No doubt, Ritchie had plenty more up his sleeve, thus I think his induction in the HOF was based mostly on potential, whereas with Croce and Vaughan the results are quite clear:  Croce was a great songwriter filled with gentle good humor, and SRV was a killer guitar player and bluesman, and both are totally Hall-worthy.

There are plenty more deserving folks I could argue for like Dave Edmunds, John Hiatt, Grand Funk Railroad, Yes, the Hollies, et al, but you get the idea.  I just can’t fathom how the aforementioned greats are being snubbed for the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame in favor of Rap groups (Grandmaster Flash, Run-DMC), nobodies (Leonard Cohen, Patti Smith) and marginal-at-best acts (the Ventures, the Dells).

57 Channels and Nothin' On?

Here's another classic I unearthed from the archives. It's a little dated and most decidedly politically incorrect, but it's still funny...

Al Jazeera TV Guide
All Shows brought to you by Texaco..."You can trust your Suburban to the man who wears the turban!"

SUNDAY:
0800 - My 33 Sons
0830 - Osama Knows Best
0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:
0800 - Husseinfeld
0900 - Mad About Everything
0930 - Monday Night Stoning
1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
1030 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:
0800 - Wheel of Terror
0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
0900 - Children are Forbidden from Saying the DarndestThings
0930 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY:
0800 - Tales from the Koran
0830 - When Kurds Attack
0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
1000 - Veilwatch
1100 - This Old Cave

THURSDAY:
0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses and Veils
0930 - Married with 139 Children
1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
0800 - Spongebob Squareturban
0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
0900 - Teletalibans
1000 - Camel 54, Where Are You?
1100 - My Favorite Kalashnikov
1200 - Beat The Press

SATURDAY:
0800 - Judge Jihad
0830 - Suddenly Sanctions
0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
0930 - Cave and Garden Television
1000 - No-Witness News

Brother Leo strikes again!

My favorite columnist and fellow radical moderate, Leonard Pitts, Jr., has once again authored a dandy column.  I’ll hit the highlights from it below, and you can read all of it here.

"I hope he fails." —Rush Limbaugh

"Do you ever say that about your President if you are an American who loves your country?  Would you say it about George W. Bush, who was disastrous, about Bill Clinton, who was slimy, about Jimmy Carter, who was inept, about Richard Nixon, who was crooked?  You may think he’s going to fail, yes.  You may warn us he’s going to fail, yes. But do you ever ‘hope’ he fails? Knowing his failure is the country’s failure? Isn’t that, well…disloyal?

The irony is that Limbaugh and the other clowns would have you believe the are bedrock defenders of this country, that they love it more than the rest of us, more than anything. That’s a lie.  Limbaugh just told us so, emphatically.  It’s not the country they love, It’s the attention.  Their perversion of conservatism is but a means toward that end. The country doesn’t matter.  The "side" does.  And Limbaugh’s side seems angry.  It’s as if anger is all they really have.

If he (Obama) is successful, Limbaugh and the other clowns will face tough sledding in a radically different world.  Small wonder he is so eager to strangle this presidency in its infancy.  And need it even be said?

I hope he (Limbaugh) fails."

As far as ol’ Rush is concerned, failure is definitely an option, and I hope he accomplishes it.  Ain’t nothing worse that some smug ass-hat who makes $10 million a year spouting sour grapes over a lost election.  A good friend of mine once tried to downplay Limbaugh’s rhetoric by saying, "Oh, it’s just entertainment."  If entertainment were all it amounted to, then fine, but the problem is too many people out there take this walking/talking bowel movement’s words as the Gospel Truth, and therein lies the danger.  Too many people out there base their political opinions solely on the bilge that this windbag spews forth (and whatever Fox News Channel tells them to believe) without checking out other points of view first.  I don’t even think Limbaugh truly believes half of the crap he says on his show—which basically amounts to runny post-KFC stool most of the time.  He basically lives to stir up shit and draw attention to himself, no matter how outrageous he has to get.

As for all the sour grapes regarding Obama from all you conservatives, we put up with your guy for the last eight years and look what it got us—at least give the new guy a chance to succeed first before you start ripping on him.

More movie clichés

I was cleaning out some old e-mails on the computer this weekend, and came across a couple things I'd sent out a long time ago featuring stuff I'd found on the 'net about the movies, which fits right in with my current Overused TV/Movie clichés feature.  I didn't write any of this, but it's quite humorous...

15 Things We Wouldn't Know If It Weren't For The Movies
1) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.
4) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5) If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their sexiest underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long
7) If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8) Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:  Enter Password Now.
9) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.  And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13) If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other!

And it seems there's plenty more where those first 15 came from...

• When a car runs into another and there's a front end collision, they both explode!  How many cars have you seen explode from this?  Or when a car goes over a cliff, it will ALWAYS explode...
• When a baby is born, it's soooooooo obvious that it's not a newborn, but at least a two-year-old.
• Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building they're going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.
• Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.
• When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.
• A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.
• Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, "There's no time to explain," and then explains anyway.
• If you're watching TV and "flip" onto any movie made pre-1940, you don't have more than a five minute wait before hearing the line, "Say, what's the big idea?!?"  [Or "Let's get outta here!"]
• The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.
• A candle or table lamp can light a whole room.
• At nighttime, it is blue.
• If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controlling any vehicle you need, like landing a plane, for example.
• Everybody when needing a computer can type super-fast and never need to hit the space bar!
• Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.
• They have super-duper graphics programs which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super-clear!
• The world is full of startlingly good-looking people.
• In space, it turns out people can hear you scream, ships explode, planets combust, etc...
• The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.
• The moonlight will light up any room as though it were a 70-watt light bulb, and no one seems to own curtains/blinds or at least don't close them when they go to bed.
• Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.
• Computer mice don't seem to exist.  People just type and all the windows they need appear and disappear and they manage to find plans of buildings and top secret things in a heartbeat.
• When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.
• Scientists always wear 70s clothes, and when called upon in meetings, stand up and say some stupid complicated explanation that no one understands, followed by the chief who paraphrases them by a pithy cliché, "So what you're saying is we're screwed?"  "Um, yes..."
• Cats always make a noise.  If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it ALWAYS has to meow before running off.
• At a beach, nightclub or party scene, the record or band that's playing is rarely anything you've ever heard in the charts. In the sixties, people apparently only ever listened to twangy instrumentals from tiny transistor radios (which were still powerful enough for a dozen people to dance around to).
• Every gang of young people has to contain (a) a fat kid and (b) a geeky, bespectacled kid.  The fat kid would grow up to play the "Fat Friend" usually portrayed by Jack Black or Chris Farley.  These provide comic relief only, never having a girlfriend themselves.  They exist only to make the hero look good.
• Americans always bring their "groceries" (shopping) back from the "market" (supermarket) in a brown paper bag with a baguette and stalk of celery sticking out of the top.
• Every necklace in the movies is a breakaway, so you can just yank once it comes off the person's neck.
• A woman being chased by a murderer will ALWAYS fall over—either because she's running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.
• Serial killers never just die...they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them...at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.
• It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, whilst either in conversation or looking at a map.
• People brush their teeth BEFORE eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.
• Aussie accents in American films always sound like a mix of Cockney, South African and New Zealander.  And they say things like "Streuth!" and "Blimey!"
• The bad guy's sexy girl will try to seduce the good guy, then when that fails will beat him up using martial arts, whilst wearing skintight leather, lycra and stilettos.
• Women can never find their car keys whilst being pursued by a killer.  Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.
• Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots...which somehow the good guy manages to untie.
• A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don't work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a torch.  At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.
• Dogs always bark at ghosts.
• Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.
• Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.
• If a baddie is trapped in a cage with a gorilla towards the end of a light-hearted romp, the gorilla will take a sexual interest in the baddie.
• A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with its horns.
• Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics—usually to the sound of a trombone being played.
• When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly preserved and intact.
• If there is a telephone in the background or close by, it is GOING to be ringing.  The person calling will usually be a bad guy, and now THEY KNOW YOU'RE THERE...or something else bad will happen because of that phone call.
• Any time a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they'll sigh in relief when it's just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window.  But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their "silliness," they're going to be attacked by the bad guy that really WAS there after all.
• In movies, when someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep.  It's amazing…
• All high school students look like people in their mid-twenties, and can dance professionally.
• In the movies everyone seems to have L-shaped sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waist.
• Why if they have just spent the night together do they need to take a complete quilt and rap it round themselves before getting out of bed?
• Does anyone eat a meal?  Food is set in front of someone, a conversation is had with others at the table and the food is cleared away or left without a bite being taken…
• I need the manufacturer of the make-up and hair products that can get me up in a morning looking like I did when I went to bed…
• Guns don't need to be cocked.  But you do have to cock them after someone says a witty one-liner or when it sounds completely badass.
• Cars explode instantly from handgun fire.
• Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.
• Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.
• All police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.
• You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.
• It's very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.
• It's very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he's looking for in less than a minute.
• If you're a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can't wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot-tying badge in the boy scouts.

I'm Donn Hairball--damn glad to know ya!

(That‘s an anagram for Brian Holland)

WELL, ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Don’t you just love this story about ousted Merrill-Lynch CEO John Thain and his corporate spending spree that took place all the while as M-L begged for a government bailout?  $1,200 for a trash can?  Billions of dollars in bonuses to other executives?  I think it’s high-time for our government to get a grip on these corporate cocksuckers and regulate them.  I’m not saying these guys should take vows of poverty, but Wall Street blood suckers like Thain are totally out of control.  Is it any wonder our economy is so utterly fucked?

HI IN-FIDEL-ITY?
The Big Cuban, Fidel Castro, says he fears he won’t be lucid in four years.  I wasn’t aware that he ever was…

HERM’S TERM HAS ENDED
Well, the inevitable occurred yesterday and the Chefs finally fired coach Herm Edwards.  It was really about the only thing they could do at this point.  Herm’s a great guy, but I think he’s much better off as a defensive coordinator for some other team instead of as a head coach.  Rumors are flying like bodies in a mosh pit that former Denver head coach Mike Shanahan will become the next Chefs head coach, but I’m having trouble envisioning that, for some reason.  ESPN keeps playing it up like Shanahan wants to join the Chiefs so he can exact revenge on the Broncos, just like when he joined the Broncos to show up Al Davis for firing him from the Raiders a few years ago.  Just one problem with that theory—the Broncos treated Shanahan well, for the most part.  It’s time ESPN stuck to reporting the news instead of making it up.

Meanwhile, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock continues to contradict himself with his own words.  Earlier this week, the Flatulent One went to great lengths to criticize new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli and his methodical and deliberate handling of the coaching situation:  “The secrecy surrounding the Chiefs’ next head football coach is beginning to look arrogant, juvenile, unfair and stupid.  Short of Scott Pioli landing his father-in-law, Bill Parcells, I cannot see the upside in Pioli’s handling of his first week on the job”  Now, flash ahead to today’s headline in his column that read, “For Pioli, taking it slow was the way to go in dismissing Edwards.”  Oh, and JW has already bestowed one of his cute little nicknames on Pioli, “Slo-Po.”  I still can’t believe the Star pays this hypocritical jackass over $200,000 a year to write such drivel…

USELESS TRIVIA TIDBIT
Ever wonder why the Pittsburgh Steelers only have logos on the right side of their helmets?  Someone posed that question the other day, and I just happened to know the answer.  According to the Steelers website, “…this was a temporary measure because the Steelers weren't sure they would like the look of the logo on an all-gold helmet.  They wanted to test them before going all-out.  Equipment manager Jack Hart was instructed to put the logo only on one side of the helmet—the right side.  The 1962 Steelers finished 9-5 and became the winningest team in franchise history to date.  The team finished second in the Eastern Conference and qualified for the Playoff Bowl.  They wanted to do something special for their first postseason game, so they changed the color of their helmets from gold to black, which helped to highlight the new logo.  Because of the interest generated by having the logo on only one side of their helmets and because of their team's new success, the Steelers decided to leave it that way permanently.  Today's helmet reflects the way the logo was originally applied and it has never been changed.”

And oh yes, those diamond thingies in their logo are officially called hypocycloids.  I seem to remember drawing those on my Super Spirograph when I was a kid…

USELESS INFORMATION TRIVIA QUESTION #2
What do Johnny Cash, Donny Osmond, J.J. Cale and Lonnie Mack all have in common?  [Scroll down for answer]

HOW COME…
...the following words don't exist in the English language?

"Sheveled"
"Chalant"
"Sequitur"
"Kempt”
“Continence"

After all, we have disheveled, nonchalant, non-sequitur, unkempt and incontinence...

CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL FAST FOOD PLACE #5
I was reminded the other day of a chain called Mr. Quick that I really liked, even though I only got to experience them once.  During a road trip when I was a kid, we stopped in to their location in Blytheville, AR—just a stone’s throw east of Jim Dandy’s hometown of Black Oak, and just a way’s north of Memphis on I-55 near the Missouri boot heel.  This was back in the day when even at fast food places, you still had to wait a spell to get your food, so I was amazed at how Mr. Quick lived up to its name by whipping out our order in no time flat.  I also remember the vanilla shake I had was to die for.  Mr. Q had locations scattered about in the south and upper Midwest, but never made it to Kansas City.  I understand there are a handful of Mr. Quick’s still operating in Michigan, according to this tribute site.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #106
“Power Of Love”—HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS (1985)  “Change a hawk into a little white dove...”  Not me, this time, but whoever it was that did the subtitles for the Back To The Future DVD who thought Brother Huey sang, “Change a heart into a little white dove.”

TRIVIA ANSWER
Johnny Cash, Donny Osmond, J.J. Cale and Lonnie Mack are all mentioned by name in the 1974 novelty hit “Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me)” by Reunion, which featured Ohio Express lead singer Joey Levine.  The song also mentions everyone from Z.Z. Top to B. Bumble & The Stingers.

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #6
Almost without fail, in anything produced by Hollywood-types, people wait until December 24th to put up and decorate their Christmas tree.  And it always—ALWAYS—snows on Christmas Day.  Even if the story’s set in Guadalajara, it always snows on Christmas.  Hell, in my 44.5-plus years on this planet, we’ve only had like two white Christmases here in K.C., and the last one was over 30 years ago.

BUMBLIN', FUMBLIN', STUMBLIN'!
I was reminded of this humorous TV gaffe the other day, courtesy of ESPN’s Steve Levy.  It’s reminiscent of the time on local radio legend Dick Wilson’s morning show on Oldies 95 that Katey McGuckin read the sports and reported that the Royals’ Mike Sweeney “missed last night’s game with a stiff back. And, Dick…” [Not making that up, it really happened!]

And Jerry Mathers as the Blogger...

I’D LIKE TO THANK (AND PRAISE) THE ACADEMY…
The Oscar nominations came out today, and for the first time ever, all five flicks up for Best Picture are films that I actually wouldn’t mind seeing.  Milk and Frost/Nixon are already lined up in my Netflix queue for when they come out on DVD, and you know I’ll watch anything Kate Winslet’s in (The Reader).  ...Benjamin Button has also piqued my curiosity (even though Brad Pitt’s in it) and even this Slumdog Millionaire thing looks halfway interesting.  As expected, the late Heath Ledger is up for Best Supporting Actor for Dark Knight, and as usual Meryl Streep is nominated for something—I swear, that woman could play a damn speed bump in a movie and be nominated for an Oscar.  Also predictably, Angelina Jolie is up for Best Actress—I hope my girl Kate kicks her scrawny little overrated ass in the voting in that category!

I was also pleased to see my other girl, Marisa Tomei, was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for The Wrestler.  I’m a bit miffed, though, that Terrell Owens wasn’t nominated for his enthralling performance in his remake of The Crying Game.

MOVIE REVIEW
While I’m on movies, I watched Mamma Mia last night, and was quite underwhelmed.  I thought the story was pretty hokey, and being a big ABBA fan, I had great difficulty in digesting Razzie Award nominee Pierce Brosnan warbling one of my all-time favorite ABBA songs ("S.O.S."), as well as that older gal vamping to "Take A Chance On Me".  Much to my surprise, Meryl Streep can actually sing, but still our real ABBA girls Agnetha and Frida have nothing to fear from her.  One thing I did like was how the musicians re-created the songs—I initially thought they were just using the backing tracks from the original ABBA records with new vocals overdubbed, until I listened a little more closely for the subtle differences.  They also made a few alterations to the lyrics to fit the storyline, but I’m surprised they didn’t eliminate that silly cringe-inducing bon mot "you’re a doggone beast" from "Honey, Honey".  I imagine the Broadway musical version of MM is probably a lot more entertaining and would hold my interest a lot longer than this movie did.  I gave it about a 5.5 out of ten.

CARDINALS RULE?
Damn, I wish I’d plunked down a few bucks on the Arizona Cardinals to make it to the Stupor Bowl before the season started—I’d be poopin’ in tall cotton right about now.  Is there any doubt now that Kurt Warner has had the oddest successful career in NFL history?  Let’s review:  While laboring in obscurity as an Arena League QB, he gets pulled out of his moonlighting grocery store job and winds up leading the St. Louis Rams to two Super Bowls (winning one of them), then his career goes into decline with the Rams and he’s replaced by Mark Bulger.  He then spends a year in purgatory looking like a total has-been with the Giants while tutoring young Eli Manning.  He ultimately lands in Phoenix, and just as I was about to write him off altogether, he winds up leading the team that used to be in St. Louis to its first Super Bowl!  Certainly a most circuitous route for a potential future Hall of Famer to take, and since Warner is nearing retirement age, what a storybook ending this would be if he goes out on top by knocking off Pittsburgh next weekend.  Nothing personal against the Steelers, but having grown up watching the St. Louis football Cardinals on TV every Sunday back in the ‘70s, I’d love to see the Redbirds win this one for the likes of Jim Hart, Dan Dierdorf, Jim Bakken, Conrad Dobler, Mel Gray, Roger Wehrli and the late J.V. Cain.  Go Big Red!

USELESS INFORMATION TRIVIA QUESTION #1
What do Michael Jackson, Ichiro Suzuki, Michael Moore, Timothy Leary, Bobby Brown and Ricky Nelson all have in common?  [Scroll down for the answer]

BOB MAY, 1932-2009
The man inside the robot on TV’s "Lost In Space", actor Bob May, died earlier this week.  May did the Robot’s twisting-torso movements and arm-flailing during all those "Danger! No, Will Robinson!" moments, but not the Robot’s voice—that was provided by the show’s narrator, Dick Tufeld.  The all-time classic for me was the time when the Robot played acoustic guitar with his hooks!  Because it was so difficult getting in and out of the costume’s shell, during breaks in the shooting schedule, May would often remain inside the Robot and smoke cigarettes, which kept the cast and crew entertained with the smoke seeping through the openings.  Must have been quite a sight.  Danger!  Danger!

MOST ILLOGICAL
While I’m on ‘60s TV Sci-Fi shows, I read a trivial tidbit the other day that I’m having trouble believing.  Seems that George "Goober" Lindsey was actually considered for the role of Mr. Spock on "Star Trek".  I know he always wore that dorky pointed Jughead hat, but I just can’t picture him with pointy ears!  I can picture Goober on "Star Trek" about as readily as I can picture Leonard Nimoy on "Mayberry, RFD".  As our aforementioned friend the Robot might say, "That does not compute!"

And in a related piece of Trekkie trivia, I also read that the late Jack Lord of "Hawaii Five-O" fame was in contention for the role of Captain Kirk.  Now that I can kinda see:  "Book ‘em, Scotty!"

YER 15 MINUTES ARE UP
It’s time they dispose of the annoyingly perky Progressive Insurance chick on their TV ads.  She was kinda semi-cute to me at first, but now these commercials have become grating and stupid, so it’s time for her to join the "Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dell" geek, Joe Isuzu, Suzie Chapstick, the Domino’s Pizza ‘Noid, et al, in the irritating commercial spokesperson/character retirement home.  Same goes for that "Smilin’ Bob" goomer on those dumbass erectile dysfunction ads, the Geico gecko (and cavemen), the "Can you hear me now?" Verizon Wireless geek and the two dorks in the mini-van on the Sonic commercials.

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #5
Ever notice when they show people driving a car or truck on TV or in movies, 90% of the time the rear view mirror on the windshield is missing?  It’s also amazing in the parallel universe that is Hollywood how at night the dashboard lights in these vehicles are usually bright enough to perform surgery by.

THERE ARE SOME REAL ASSHOLES OUT THERE
Don’t believe me?  Then click here!

TRIVIA ANSWER
Michael Jackson, Ichiro Suzuki, Michael Moore, Timothy Leary, Bobby Brown and Ricky Nelson are each on the all-time roster of the Seattle Mariners.  MJ only used one batting glove, naturally...

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU KRAMER VS. KRAMER…
It’s Cougars vs. Cougars!

There's a new sheriff in town...

WHY OBAMA?
Can someone explain to me why all of a sudden this Barack Obama guy is considered a potential candidate for President in ’08? Don’t get me wrong—I am certainly ALL FOR some fresh faces and new ideas in Washington, but why is this guy suddenly everyone's sexy choice to be Prez? I realize the Democraps are desperate for someone—ANYONE—to trot out there and lead them, but this guy with the terrible initials has only been in Congress a short while, so what’s so special about him? Surely, it’s not just on the strength of the big speech he gave at the Dem. Convention in ’04 alone, is it? The fact that he’s black doesn’t bother me at all (hell, I’ll take a PLAID President at this point, if he’s worth a damn!), but I just don’t get how someone can just suddenly come along out of nowhere and get everyone’s tongues wagging over him when he hasn’t really done anything.—B. Holland, January, 18, 2007

I guess we’re about to find out, huh?  It was almost two years ago today that I posted the above remarks, and we’ve come a long way since then.  While I’m still not completely sold on whether Obama can cut the proverbial cheese as our Commander-In-Chief, I can’t believe he could possibly be any worse than the Village Idiot he’s replacing.  Even if Obama is a mediocre President, that’s still a step in the right direction.  One issue I have already, though:  I saw where today’s inauguration cost us taxpayers anywhere from 150-170 million semolians to execute.  I’m sure if McCain had been elected, it would’ve been just as exorbitant, but given today’s economic climate, it seems to me that it would’ve been more appropriate to do a slightly more frugal swearing-in ceremony…

Anyway, I was in a fairly celebratory mood at work today around the 11:00 hour, not so much because #44 was sworn in, but because I was finally able to literally utter the phrase “Former President Bush”.  The news media this week kept reporting about a “wistful” George W. Bush in his final days in office—an oxymoron on a par with “wistful” Charles Manson, "wistful" O.J. Simpson and “wistful” Jeffrey Dahmer.  Many of the news stories I’ve read this week are about the Bush apologists saying that history will vindicate Dubya in the long run as it did Harry Truman, but I ain’t buyin’ it.  Neither are some historians quoted at History News Network, who feel that #43 will finish 43rd in the Best President of All-Time standings.

Like this one:  “No individual president can compare to the second Bush…Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every henhouse, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world’s goodwill.  In short, no other president’s faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large.”

And this one:  “With his unprovoked and disastrous war of aggression in Iraq and his monstrous deficits, Bush has set this country on a course that will take decades to correct…When future historians look back to identify the moment at which the United States began to lose its position of world leadership, they will point—rightly—to the Bush presidency.  Thanks to his policies, it is now easy to see America losing out to its competitors in any number of area:  China is rapidly becoming the manufacturing powerhouse of the next century, India the high tech and services leader, and Europe the region with the best quality of life.”

And this one:  “George Bush has combined mediocrity with malevolent policies and has thus seriously damaged the welfare and standing of the United States…Bush does only two things well—He knows how to make the very rich very much richer, and he has an amazing talent for fucking up everything else he even approaches.  His administration has been the most reckless, dangerous, irresponsible, mendacious, arrogant, self-righteous, incompetent, and deeply corrupt one in all of American history.”

Another historian indicated that his reason for rating Bush as worst is that the current president combines traits of some of his failed predecessors:  “the paranoia of Nixon, the ethics of Harding and the good sense of Herbert Hoover. . . . . God willing, this will go down as the nadir of American politics.”  Yet another remarked that Bush’s “denial of any personal responsibility can only be described as silly.”  Still another (and my personal favorite) classified Bush as “an ideologue who got the nation into a totally unnecessary war, and has broken the Constitution more often than even Nixon. He is not a conservative, nor a Christian, just an immoral man . . . .”  I can’t possibly top any of that, nor do I need to try—the man's work speaks for itself.  All I know is we can all exhale now...

As for Barack Obama, in the words of Elton John lyricist Bernie Taupin:  "From here on, sonny, sonny, sonny—it's a long and lonely climb..."