Don't bury the Hatchet!

It be time to salute my 2nd-favorite Southern Rock band of all-time whilst I track through them on the ol' CD player, Molly Hatchet.  Not unlike with Lynyrd Skynyrd, I was initially put-off by the band's macho biker-bar brawler image, but this band grew on me rather quickly during my freshman year in High School when their first two albums received heavy airplay on the mighty KY-102 circa 1979-80.

I have to admit I actually hated Hatchet's first hit song, "Dreams I'll Never See" initially (a complete overhaul of the Allman Bros.' song "Dreams"), but boy do I feel stupid now—this song is fucking great!  The rest of that first MH album rules too, with tracks like "Gator Country", "Bounty Hunter" and "The Price You Pay", and the second album was even better.  Flirtin' With Disaster was one of the finer sophomore efforts of any band, and Hatchet secured their place in history with tunes like the title track, "Whiskey Man" (not to be confused with The Who's song of the same name), "Jukin' City", "It's All Over Now" (also done by the Stones in 1964) and the "Free Bird"-like "Boogie No More", which nearly put Lynyrd Skynyrd's triple-lead guitar attack to shame.

Hatchet did indeed feature three pretty damn good guitarists—Dave Hlubek, Duane Roland and Steve Holland (no relation to me)—as well as lead singer Danny Joe Brown, whose distinctive growl was the band's trademark.  After Flirtin', Brown had issues with the band's management—"There were too many hands in the till," he once remarked—so he left Hatchet (who transparently blamed DJB's departure on his bout with diabetes) and was replaced by singer Jimmy Farrar for their next two albums, Beatin' The Odds and Take No Prisoners.  Nice guy and a decent singer—he would have fit in perfectly with say, Marshall Tucker Band—but Farrar was rather bland compared with his predecessor, although he did sing on one really cool song, 1981's "Bloody Reunion".  MH wisely brought Danny Joe back into the fold for 1983's No Guts...No Glory, which is my personal favorite Hatchet album.  I literally wore out the cassette copy I had of that one driving back-and-forth to college during the Fall of '83, and just loved tracks like "What's It Gonna Take?", "What Does It Matter?", "Ain't Even Close" and yet another "Free Bird" clone, "Fall Of The Peacemakers", which solemnly reflected on the deaths of John Lennon and John F. Kennedy, and featured splendid lead guitar work throughout.

Molly Hatchet even landed on MTV during this time with videos lifted from No Guts, as well as from the follow-up album, 1984's The Deed Is Done, which featured hits like "Satisfied Man" and "Stone In Your Heart".  A live album followed in 1985—Hatchet's final recording for Epic Records—and the band later resurfaced in 1989 on Capitol Records with the excellent, but sadly-overlooked Lightning Strikes Twice, featuring the humorous opening track "Take Miss Lucy Home" and a rather touching closing song called "Heart Of My Soul".  This was more or less the last hurrah for this band, even though they've recorded off and on since then, having endured numerous personnel changes over the years.  The current touring outfit that goes by the name Molly Hatchet contains no original members of the band, and seems more like a tribute band than anything else.  Singer Danny Joe Brown died in 2005 and guitarist Duane Roland passed away just shy of a year ago.  Rest in peace, gentlemen...

My All-Time Molly Hatchet Top 10:

1) "Boogie No More" (1979)

2) "Fall Of The Peacemakers" (1983)

3) "Flirtin' With Disaster" (1979)

4) "Bloody Reunion" (1981)

5) "What's It Gonna Take? (1983)

6) "Bounty Hunter" (1978)

7) "Heart Of My Soul" (1989)

8) "Jukin' City" (1979)

9) "Ain't Even Close" (1983)

10) "Dreams I'll Never See" (1978)

And while I'm at it,

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE SOUTHERN ROCK BANDS:

1) Black Oak Arkansas

2) Molly Hatchet

3) Lynyrd Skynyrd

4) The Allman Brothers

5) .38 Special

6) Charlie Daniels Band

7) The Outlaws

8) Marshall Tucker Band

9) Ozark Mountain Daredevils

10) Blackfoot

Friday Night (Hi)Lights

DERF RULES!
I just love this guy's comic strips, and there ain't a damn thing I can say to top this one!  You have done well, Young Grasshopper...

TAKE YOUR TIME, FELLAS...
I saw an ad in the paper today about a band called 90 Minutes—"A tribute to the '90s".  I doubt they'll even need that much time to cover that which was good music during the wretched decade that gave us the likes of Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Dishwalla.  30 Minutes should easily suffice...

BOO—RED STRIPE BEER ADS!
Have you seen any of these dreadful commercials?  Do they make you want to run out and buy their beer?  Not me...

I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS...
Can you believe it was 30 years ago today that the original Star Wars was unleashed to the masses?  30 bloody years, already?  Somehow, I can't help but feel just a tad old now.  A little trivia for you, btw—the above phrase in bold was uttered by a different character in all six of the Star Wars flicks.  With us, The Force has been, says Master Yoda...

TRULY HONORABLE?
Anyone catch the 2nd-annual "VH-1 Rock Honors" show last night?  If not, relax—it'll air again on VH-1 Classic about as often as Rosie O'Donnell, Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin says something stupid, so don't worry.  Great concept, actually—it's sort of a slap in the face to the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame in that they mostly salute great bands who've been snubbed by said institution so far—last year's honorees included Def Leppard, Judas Priest, Kiss and Queen (although Queen's already in the HOF)—and this time they had a rather eclectic mix:  Heart, Genesis, Ozzy Osbourne and ZZ Top (also already in the HOF).  The show featured live performances by each band, but in best "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve" tradition, the event was taped a few weeks back at the Mandalay Bay casino arena in Vegas, along with "tribute" performances by bands like Alice In Chains and other current nobodies, plus introductions by Hollywood types like Billy Bob Thornton, Cameron Diaz and Robin Williams, et al.

Don't mean to bitch too much, but I'd much rather see more live performances from the groups being honored, and less of all this ancillary crap VH-1 insists on airing.  And couldn't they at least find a more credible emcee for the damn thing?  This year's event was hosted by one Bam Margera, that venerable skateboard personality famous for appearing in Jackass-The Movie—a guy who isn't even old enough (born 1979) to remember when Ozzy bit the head off the canary, let alone remember when Ann Wilson was thin.  Last year's hostess, Jaime Pressly, wasn't much better—she ain't even old enough to remember when Kiss took off the make-up or when Def Leppard's Rick Allen still had two arms.  Hell, they had Mark Goodman from the old MTV days doing backstage interviews throughout—he'd make a more appropriate host than those other 20-something twits.  Nice try, VH-1, but methinks you can do better...

Whole lotta bloggin' goin' on...

JUST CHILL, HERM!I’m beginning to wonder if Chiefs head coach Herman Edwards truly is the right man for the job.  When the team first hired him, I was excited by his track record of getting a mediocre franchise like the Jets to the playoffs more than once, but after just one season here in K.C., I’m a bit dismayed at how easily he gets riled up by our local media.  He caused a fairly big stink yesterday during the team’s O.T.A.’s by accusing a local radio sports talk host of calling him a liar (based on what another player told him) regarding the whole Trent Green situation, even though Edwards himself hadn’t even listened to the tape of the show, during which the host in question did NOT call Edwards a liar, or anything of the sort.  Then in the same conversation, Herm went on to say, “This (the Trent Green saga) is not a distraction in any stretch of the imagination.”  Uhhh, Herm, it obviously IS a distraction, if you’re getting your panties all in a wad over it!  And frankly, he and Pres/GM Carl Peterson are fair game to be questioned for the way they’ve handled this Trent Green thing, too.

He also said, “Are you kidding me?  It’s the offseason.”  Precisely the point, Herm—we’re still over two months away from training camp, and you’re letting the Kansas City sports media get to you before Memorial Day?  Hell, he’s already coached in the biggest media hotbed in the world (New York) and he played in what has to be the roughest sports market in terms of abuse heaped on someone by both the media and fans alike (Philadelphia)—you’d think our little Midwestern metropolis would be a breeze for him to handle, and I find it troubling that he’s so thinned-skinned over petty stuff like this.

This isn’t an isolated incident, either—Herm has this annoying habit when he’s in front of the media of getting all defensive over little stuff, then he starts pontificating about himself and what he believes in, and I honestly believe he just likes to hear himself talk smack.  You get a lot of this “I’m a man,” (yes, we can see that, Herm) and “I was hired to coach,” (yes, we know, Herm) and “I’m here to coach players,” (right—we get that, Herm), and it just turns into a big mumble-jumble of jive-ass double-talk to me.  Don’t get me wrong:  I think he means well, and Herman Edwards has the potential to be a really great coach in the NFL, if he doesn’t allow his fragile ego to be his own downfall...

EAT STEAK! EAT STEAK!
In a rather delicious irony, I just noticed that über-vegetarian/animal rights activist Paul McCartney resides alphabetically in my CD collection right next to none other than Meat Loaf!  Oh well, if it’ll make Sir Paul feel any better, I have amended my “Still Pissed At Yoko” bumper sticker to read “Still Pissed At Heather”…

SUE ME, SUE YOU BLUES—THE CONTINUING SAGA
Seems that the father of late Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock is suing everyone he can think of that might have even remotely contributed to his son’s death last month, including Mike Shannon’s Restaurant (where Josh tied one on), the tow truck driver whose truck Hancock plowed into whilst he was driving more than a little intoxicated, and even the poor soul who had the unmitigated gall to have a stalled car on the highway.  Yet another example of people who can’t quite bring themselves to accept responsibility for their own actions (or in this case, a fallen family member’s actions), so their solution is to sue everyone and try to make a buck off the whole thing.  According to Mr. Hancock's lawyer, "It's understood that for the entire 3½ hours that Josh Hancock was there that he was handed drinks...It's our understanding that from the moment Josh Hancock entered Mike Shannon's that night that he was never without a drink."  Hmmm, and I suppose the people at Mike Shannon's conspired to get the guy drunk—and that he never ASKED for any of those drinks that were "handed" to him, huh?  Yeah, right...

Hey, Papa Hancock—with all due respect to the painful loss you and your family have suffered—did it ever occur to you that your son might have been just a little involved in his own demise?  Based on what we now know, it’s pretty obvious that your son had a drinking problem prior to that night and I doubt seriously that Josh was dragged kicking and screaming into Mike Shannon’s in the first place.  And I suppose the marijuana that was found in Josh's vehicle was also just "handed" to him, huh?  Do you plan to sue the local drug dealers, too?  If anything, the tow truck driver and the motorists who shared I-64 with Josh that night should be suing YOU and your son's estate, Mr. Hancock, for his negligence in putting them in danger by being a stupid fuck and driving drunk off his ass.  

Actually, I hope to hell you win this lawsuit, Mr. Hancock—it'll make things so much easier for me to sue the credit card people for putting me so deep in debt!  While I'm at it, maybe I'll sue Wendy's for making me fat, too.  As A. Bunker once said, "Let's hear it for the legal profession, Little Girl." [Insert Bronx cheer here]

JUST TAKE ME NOW, I’VE TRULY SEEN IT ALL…
Not that I needed any further proof that "Reverend" Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist “Church” congregation are all several fries shy of the proverbial Happy Meal of Life, but it seems that his merry band of hate-mongers actually picketed Jerry Falwell’s funeral the other day because they think he was “a friend of gays.”  Huh?!?  Did I miss a memo somewhere along the line?  Other than Phelps himself, was Jerry Falwell not America's penultimate gay basher—the Muhammad Ali, Babe Ruth and Tiger Woods of homophobia, all rolled into one?  And yet, these Neolithic dipshits claim he was gay-friendly?  Someone needs to explain this one to me like I’m a three-year-old.  And to think I found that whole Tinky-Winky thing with Falwell to be ludicrous…
 It’s walking/talking feces like Phelps and his congregation (which is comprised mostly of his extended family, some of whom may well be their own fathers, for all we know) that make me truly wish that birth control was retroactive.  I'm embarrassed to be in the same species with these mongoloids.  For the uninitiated out there, these churlish and warped individuals apparently have nothing better to do with their miserable fucking lives but to spread hatred and vitriol by picketing funerals of not only gay people, but those of U.S. soldiers who died while indirectly defending their right to picket said funerals, all because they claim our country harbors homosexuals.  Hell, they even picketed Billy Graham’s crusade here at Arrowhead Stadium a couple years back (see pic)—evidently that ol’ anti-Semitic homophobe Rev. Billy G. is an infidel in the eyes of these whackos!  As screwy as these losers are, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if they picket each other's funerals when a member of their own flock dies…

Far be it for a card-carrying agnostic like me to defend organized religion, but Phelps and Co. give legitmate Christianity a bad name.  What I find especially disturbing is how they involve their children in all this ugliness (see pic again)—it’s a subtle form of child abuse, when you get right down to it.  I would be truly impressed if religious leaders out there—the Baptists in particular—would loudly denounce this S.O.B. by saying, “Okay, we may not condone homosexuality, but this is NOT what we’re about.”  I’m also curious where Phelps and his family get the money to enable them to travel to all these funerals they protest at.  Topeka, KS (their home base) to Lynchburg, VA is a two-day road trip by car, for example, and they constantly travel coast-to-coast to spread their venom.  I also wonder just how much these "people" truly have to hate themselves in order to be so hateful toward others.

I've also never understood these "God-fearing Christians", either—I don't get the concept of worshipping a deity you're afraid of.  And, I'm fairly confident that if there really is a God, He wouldn't send a messenger like Fred Phelps to spread His word.  In the words of Twisted Sister, "If that's your best, your best won't do..."

Talk is Cheap!

I'm currently in a bit of a lull in my A-Z CD trek, as in between Lynyrd Skynyrd and Paul McCartney, there ain't a whole lot of pure Rock to track thru with the likes of Madonna, the Manhattan Transfer, Barry Manilow (oh, shut up!) and Johnny Mathis, so I'll take care of some old business and jabber about a longtime favorite band of mine that I neglected to discuss back when I played them a couple months ago, the pride of Rockford, Illinois: Cheap Trick. Yet another outstanding band that's been snubbed by the Crock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame, C.T. is not only a fan favorite, but for the most part also highly praised by the critics for their body of work.  I would submit that their output is every bit as prolific and relevant as that of Blondie and the Pretenders—both decent groups, but both rather overrated in my book—yet they're in the Hall already.  To HOF people, I hereby quote the great prophet Mike Damone in Fast Times At Ridgemont High:  "Can you honestly tell me you forgot?  Forgot the magnetism of Robin Zander, or the charisma of Rick Nielsen?"  Evidently, they have...

Not unlike with Journey, I actually prefer Cheap Trick's "B-stuff" over their big hits.  "Dream Police", "Surrender" and "I Want You To Want Me" are all great songs, and "The Flame" may well be the greatest power-ballad of all-time, but there is so much more good stuff to behold here.  Songs like "Never Had A Lot To Lose" (the story of my life), "He's A Whore", "Clock Strikes Ten", "The House Is Rockin' (With Domestic Problems)" and "Tonight It's You" are frequent flyers on my CD player.  "Stiff Competition" is another favorite, with the line "I screw you/you screw me/they screw us/here we go again..." (words to live by), as is the overlooked power chord-laden "All Wound Up" from 1988's Lap of Luxury. AND, apart from Elton John's "I Think I'm Gonna Kill Myself", C.T.'s "Auf Wiedersehen" has to be the funniest song ever written about suicide.  Their cover versions of "Day Tripper", "Ain't That A Shame" and "Don't Be Cruel" certainly don't suck either...

As dandy as their records are, seeing Cheap Trick live in concert is a bit of a crapshoot.  Some nights they are the greatest Rock 'N' Roll band in the world, and other nights, they just phone it in, and I've witnessed both extremes.  I saw them in 1988 as part of what might have been the strangest triple bill ever concocted—the Moody Blues, Cheap Trick and Glass Tiger (remember them?)—and Trick was the superior band that night.  Then a few years later, I saw them open for R.E.O. Speedwagon, and they half-heartedly played nine songs and left.  It depends on what night you catch them as to what you get, I suppose.

Musicianship-wise, this band is top-notch.  Tom Petersson is my second-favorite living bass player (just behind Rush's Geddy Lee), and anyone with the balls to play a 12-string bass is alright in my book—even Entwistle never played more than eight strings at a time.  Brad Carlson—aka Bun E. Carlos—is as solid a drummer as you'll find anywhere, Robin Zander is an underrated vocalist, and there ain't no denying what a great guitarist Rick Nielsen is—it's a shame that his Pee Wee Herman-ish persona detracts from that sometimes.  Then again, I love the quote I once read back in the '70s about the band where someone said, "Two of them look like Rock stars, and the other two look like wrecked trucks!"

My All-Time Cheap Trick Top 10
1) "All Wound Up" (1988)
2) "Still Competition" (1978)
3) "He's A Whore" (1976)
4) "Never Had A Lot To Lose" (1988)
5) "She's Tight" (1982)
6) "Tonight It's You" (1985)
7) "Auf Wiedersehen" (1978)
8) "Clock Strikes Ten" [Live] (1979)
9) "The House Is Rockin' (With Domestic Problems)" (1979)
10) "Stop This Game" (1980)

"Let's play some ol' Honk!"

Spent most of my day Sunday listening to my Lynyrd Skynyrd CD collection, and each time I do so, they sound just a little better to me.  For a long time, I was pretty ambivalent about Skynyrd—I liked some of their stuff, and of course, "Free Bird" is monumental, but I was rather turned-off by the brawling biker-bar mentality that the band projected for so long.  But, when I looked a little deeper and learned more about the group, I discovered there was a lot more to them than I realized, lead singer Ronnie Van Zant, especially.  Far from the arrogant macho gun-toting redneck I pictured him to be, R.V.Z. was rather a fairly ordinary guy who actually shunned the limelight and disdained being famous—just as the song "Don’t Ask Me No Questions" says—and he seemed like the kind of guy you’d love to sit down and have a few beers with and just shoot the shit.  He was well spoken and a better wordsmith than I initially gave him credit for, and it’s not so hard to see why Ronnie was so well respected by his Southern Rock peers.

The rest of the band was full of characters too, like late bassist Leon Wilkeson, known as "The Mad Hatter" for his humorous onstage headgear, and a very underrated lead guitar player, the late Allen Collins.  The addition of the late Steve Gaines on guitar in '76 gave Skynyrd a much-needed shot in the arm following a couple so-so albums, and he brought a new dimension to the band on what I think was their best album, Street Survivors.  You can hear him prominently on tracks like "That Smell" and "I Know A Little", and that’s him sharing vocals with Van Zant on "You Got That Right", and he seemed to breathe new life into the band and they were on the upswing again until that fateful day, October 20, 1977.  During that time, I was just starting to embrace Album Rock radio after basically growing up on Top 40 stations, and I just happened to be tuned in to the old KY-102 that night when the DJ—I want to say it was Ray Sherman—broke the terrible news.  I also clearly remember the next night and Walter Cronkite’s fairly infamous gaffe, "Three members of the Rock group Len-yerd Skin-yerd died yesterday…" on the "CBS Evening News".  Unquestionably, it was one of the worst tragedies in Rock history...

I do have a couple lingering issues with Lynyrd Skynyrd, though, namely the way keyboardist Billy Powell embellished the plane crash aftermath story on VH-1’s "Behind The Music" when he claimed that Ronnie Van Zant "didn’t have a mark on him" (not true—he died from massive head injuries) and that background singer Cassie Gaines "died in my arms, and in Artimus Pyle’s arms" and that her neck was slit from one side to the other (again, neither claim is true—it would have been impossible for her to die in drummer Artimus Pyle’s arms, since he left the scene to summon help, nor was her neck slit).  I also think it was very low-rent of the band to basically throw Pyle under the bus several years ago when he was wrongly-accused of doing inappropriate things with an underage girl—they basically wanted no more to do with him when the allegations came out and kicked him out of the band, although he was later cleared of the charges but his reputation was ruined—not cool!  Pretty disappointing for a band that prides itself on being like a family, too.  I also have a problem with Van Zant’s widow, Judy, who owns and controls the band’s interests, for selling out and putting their music on TV ads to help Col. Sanders sell chicken.  Thanks to this, I now can’t hear the intro to "Sweet Home Alabama" without also hearing that annoying beedle-beedle-beedle sound effect that KFC dubbed over it.

My Lynyrd Skynyrd Top-10 of All-Time:

1) "Free Bird" (1973)
2) "Call Me The Breeze" (1974)
3) "That Smell" (1977)
4) "You Got That Right" (1977)
5) "Gimme Three Steps" (1973)
6) "Tuesday’s Gone" (1973)
7) "Saturday Night Special" (1975)
8) "Don’t Ask Me No Questions" (1974)
9) "The Needle And The Spoon" (1975)
10) "What’s Your Name?" (1977)

And now a word...

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Come to think of it, he does look like a little European film director, but for some reason, he doesn't really look like this guy...

Meet the new Ballpark--Same as the old Ballpark

Well, not quite the same, but these are the latest renderings of the upcoming renovation of Kauffman Stadium, and I'm very impressed.  The changes are mostly confined to the concourses and the outfield area, yet the essence of the ballpark will be largely maintained.  The changes will be implemented in stages over the next three off-seasons, and completed in time for the 2010 season.  There are more renderings at the Royals official website.  AND—MLB announced that K.C. has been awarded the All-Star Game sometime between 2010 and 2014—Sweet!

I heard on the radio today that the Chiefs will announce their official plans for the renovation of Arrowhead Stadium in another month or so...


Oh, by the way, to those of you that are still bitching because you ain't getting your new downtown ballpark in K.C.—get over it!!  WE the people voted to insure that two of the coolest sports stadiums on the planet will remain on the planet!  I said this a year ago following the vote, and I'll say it again:  We don't need no stinking new stadiums!

Another blog, another Sunday...

I HAD A WOODPECKER THIS MORNING...
On my bird feeder, that is!  Cute little bugger, too.  It's amazing to listen to birds chowing down on bird food—they make almost the same exact sound as Rice Krispies floating in milk...

COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TRUE!
As I scan the current beisbol standings, I can't help but note that the Kansas Shitty Royals (for whom winning is a hobby rather than a serious pursuit) have the one more win than the defending champeen St. Louie Cardinals.  True, the Cards have four games in hand with the Royals, buuuut there's still something most definitely wrong with this picture!

UNCLEAR OF THE CONCEPT, YET AGAIN?
I've seen a shitload of TV ads this weekend about law enforcement types who are cracking down on folks not wearing seat belts.  A noble effort, to be sure, but call me stupid—why are they tipping their collective hands (and wasting a shitload of money too) with this worthless "Click It Or Ticket" TV campaign?  Seems to me that the element of surprise would be far more effective in nailing folks for not buckling up...

BUMPER STICKER OF THE WEEK
"Blind faith in bad leaders is NOT patriotism!"  Amen, brother, amen!  On the same car was a bumper sticker that read "Irate Moderate on board—What happened to my country?"  I tend to relate to that attitude...

THE TRUTH HURTS
Kudos from me to staff writer David Martin of our local K.C. alternative paper The Pitch for his feature on the city of Raytown's paranoid efforts to keep Wal-Mart from closing its existing Raytown store and building a new one outside the city limits.  Even though I'm a lifelong Raytown resident (apart from the nine months I lived in St. Joseph whilst toiling in the radio toilet at KKJO), I was not the least bit offended by the following line submitted by Mr. Martin:  "With a downtown that even Greensburg tornado victims might find depressing, Raytown is spending its resources on Highway 350, the auto slum that hastened the central business district's death spiral."  Absolutely fucking accurate, Mr. Martin!  There was a point last summer when I was ready to start up a new charity—the W.W.F.R. Fund (Weed Whackers For Raytown)—because the city was apparently unable to keep up with the grass growing between the cracks of its own sidewalks!

I don't mind telling you, folks, I'm more than a tad embarrassed to admit I live in Raytown these days, and our backward-ass redneck reputation isn't undeserved.  The big problem is the Baptists own half of the damn city, and these people are hellbent on making sure that Raytown should remain like Mayberry forever, and that we should party like it's 1959 instead of becoming a fairly modern suburb like our thriving neighbors to the east, Lee's Summit and Blue Springs.  I'm amazed that I can even buy beer in this Puritanical excuse of a suburb...

It was 50 years ago today...

...that the Ruskin Heights tornado hit the southern reaches of the Kansas City area at approx. 7:48 on that Monday night.  It was the deadliest and most destructive tornado ever to hit the K.C. metro area, killing 39 people, injuring over 500, and causing massive property damage all along its 71-mile path, and was on a par in terms of intensity with the recent Greensburg, KS tornado that pretty much wiped out that entire town.  I've long had a fascination about the Ruskin tornado, ever since reading a lengthy account of it in The Kansas City Star on its 20th anniversary in 1977.  Have I really aged 30 years already?  But I digress...

What's really scary to think about is this tornado could have been far worse if it had struck at the same time on the night before or the night after, because the Ruskin High School gymasium would have been full of people on either night during graduation activities—the Baccalaureate ceremony took place on Sunday night, and the Commencement would have taken place on Tuesday at that same hour.  As you can see by what was left of the gym (the arches in the upper right of the above photo), the death toll would have most assuredly been infinitely higher.  The other pic here creepily—but quite accurately—describes the aftermath.  In another odd coincidence, local KCMO-Channel 5 TV viewers were interrupted by storm bulletins both during "I Love Lucy" at 7:00, and another CBS show called "December Bride" at 7:30 which ironically featured a character named Lily Ruskin.  Too weird...

Interestingly enough, the house I currently live in (built in 1954) was in the path of that tornado at one point, but it veered about a mile east of here and crossed through what is now known as Knobtown and headed in the direction of Blue Springs before finally lifting for good after being on the ground for over two hours—a rarity for any tornado.

There is an excellent website that commemorates the tragedy and provides more background and history than I'm able to here.  Considering the many major tornadoes that have struck throughout what's known as "Tornado Alley" since 1957, it's amazing that the Kansas City area hasn't been hit with something far worse than what hit 50 years ago tonight.  We're really lucky in that respect, I think...

You say it's your birhday...

Today is the birthdate of two of my favorite Rock ‘N’ Roll peeples…

CHAIRMAN TOWNSHEND
Thankfully he didn’t die before he got old, thus Peter Dennis Blandford Townshend turns 62 today.  Certainly one of the most prolific songwriters of our time, Pete so brilliantly channeled his teenage angst into a lifetime of timeless songs and incredible concert performances over the last 40 some-odd years, and surprisingly continues to play concerts enthusiastically—something he didn’t always do in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s.  Too bad his solo career has also been so iffy—I wish he’d just stop trying to top Tommy and Quadrophenia with these lame concept albums (Iron Man, Psychoderelict, etc.) and just make albums of individual songs like Empty Glass or even ...Chinese Eyes. Townshend can be a very contradictory personality sometimes, and he often does and says things that make me go “Huh?”, but there’s no denying the influence Pete’s had on me and my outlook on life.

Oddly enough, P.T. isn't even my favorite member of The Who—that title goes to the late John Entwistle—but I can relate to some of the stuff Pete went through in his youth.  His childhood and mine were similar in that we were both separated by several years from our siblings—Pete was much older than his two brothers, and I am way younger than my brother and sister—thus I relate very well to that family dynamic and the feelings of isolation that come from that, as well as those "awkward teenage blues" as Bob Seger once put it.  I’d like to meet P.T. someday and just shoot the shit with him about life.

“GROOVER McTOOBER”You probably know him better as Dusty Hill, longtime bassist for Z.Z. Top, who turns 58 today.  For someone whose fingers merely resemble small Bratwursts, this man sure plays a mean bass.  A self-proclaimed Elvis fanatic, Dusty had the balls to sing “Viva Las Vegas” back in the early ‘90s, not to mention a wonderfully sloppy version of “Jailhouse Rock” on the live side of the Fandango! album.  Both birthday and get-well wishes go out to “The Dust”, as it seems he had to go on the DL this week to undergo treatment of a benign growth in his inner ear that has been affecting his hearing, forcing ZZ to cancel part of their current European tour.  Hell, this guy’s tough—he once accidentally shot himself in the gut and survived—and the good news is it appears Dusty will not require surgery for this current ailment, so he should be back up and looking for some Tush in no time at all…

Happy b-day, Pete and Dusty!

Highs and Lowes

No, I ain't talking about the hardware store chain, but rather singer/songwriter Nick Lowe, who I am currently up to in my A-to-Z CD odyssey.  Not only a fine bass player, Master Lowe is a witty songwriter and was very influential in the punk/new wave scene during the late '70s.  He was a prolific producer as well, having worked with the likes of Elvis Costello, et al, as the in-house producer at the fairly legendary Stiff Records.

Nick originally played in a band called Brinsley Schwartz before going solo in the late '70s, producing his own records and also working with guitarist Dave Edmunds on his solo albums, thus leading to the short-lived band Rockpile.  Lowe later landed in another short-lived supergroup, Little Village with John Hiatt and Ry Cooder in the early '90s, all the while recording his own albums and producing records for other folks.  Perhaps his most famous solo track is 1979's "Cruel To Be Kind" (co-written by Ian Gomm), the video for which featured a recreation of sorts of his own wedding to country singer Carlene Carter, also featuring fellow Rockpilers Billy Bremner as the caterer, drummer Terry Williams as the photographer, and Edmunds as the limo driver.  Lowe also wrote the wedding reception standard "I Knew The Bride (When She Used To Rock And Roll)", which was closely modeled after Chuck Berry's "You Never Can Tell" (made rather famous in Pulp Fiction).

His Royal Lowe-ness has authored some of the funniest lines I've ever heard in Rock 'N' Roll. A few samples:

• "When I'm with you girl, I get an extension—and I don't mean Alexander Graham Bell's invention..." (from "Switchboard Susan"—quite possibly the greatest double-entendre line in Rock 'N' Roll history!)
• "Everything about you, refrigerator white—you're cold, pretty mama, like a Utah night...you freeze better than a Ukraine wind." (from "Refrigerator White")
• "The singer is a bookie, the drummer is a whore, the bass player's sellin' clothes he never woulda wore..." (from "They Called It Rock")
• "Best be fleet on your feet—or the S.B.G.'s gonna be clearin' the streets/They never made no provision in the 'riginal plan for half a boy and half a man..." (from "Half A Boy And Half A Man")
• "There's a saint beneath the paint—a tart without a heart is what she ain't..." (From "Saint Beneath The Paint")
• "Well, I woke up this morning lyin' in a strange bed/I was so hungover I was wishin' I was dead/Turned my head and it cut me like a knife 'cus the woman lyin' there surely wasn't my wife..." (from "What Did I Do Last Night?", recorded by Dave Edmunds)
• "Ian jacked it in, but we've got Pat McGlynn, and so long as he's a Roller, then we'll love him..." (from "Rollers Show"--a dead solid perfect parody of the Bay City Rollers!)
• And my all-time favorite: "Well, do you remember Rick Astley? He had a big fat hit—it was ghastly..." (from "All Men Are Liars")

And if you want to hear a really good record, check out Nick Lowe's sadly-overlooked 1990 release Party Of One, which Edmunds co-produced and played on. "Liars" and "Refrigerator" are on there, as well as other great songs like "(I Wanna Build A) Jumbo Ark", "Gai-Gin Man", "You Got The Look I Like" and "Shting-Shtang".  His 1988 release Pinker And Prouder Than Previous doesn't suck either.  If you like old-school bar band Rock 'N' Roll mixed with a little humor, you'll love this stuff.

My all-time Nick Lowe Top 10:
1) All Men Are Liars (1990)
2) What Did I Do Last Night? (1977-Dave Edmunds)
3) Refrigerator White (1990)
4) Bobo Ska Diddle Daddle (1985)
5) Half A Boy & Half A Man (1984)
6) Rollers Show (1978)
7) Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine (1982)
8) I Knew The Bride (When She Used To Rock 'N' Roll) (1985)
9) Tanque-Rae (1983)
10) Shting-Shtang (1990)

Where's That Confounded Band?

I completed my Led Zep-a-thon today as I methodically charge through my CD collection alphabetically.  Zeppelin certainly had a prolific 11-year career, and there's no questioning their impact on Rock 'N' Roll, but as good as they were at times, they were often just as perplexing at other times to me.

Oddly enough, I first got into Led Zeppelin even before I truly got into The Who (my #2 band of all-time behind Kiss) long about 1979-80 when what where then called "Album Rock" radio stations were really embracing the band's history after the release of their final studio album, the so-so (Zoso?) In Through The Out Door.  Their first five albums and about half of Physical Graffiti impressed me enough to make me realize there was much more to hard Rock than just Kiss.  And when Zeppelin announced plans for an American tour in the fall of 1980, my older sister said she would gladly take me to Chicago to see them (there was no Kansas City date announced).  Unfortunately, drummer John Bonham's untimely death at age 32 on September 25th scuttled that plan for good.
 What confounds me about this band is I've never heard a really good live concert recording of them.  I've heard a few good individual live cuts here and there, but never a really consistently good complete performance from start-to-finish.  While I certainly don't expect anyone to perform their songs in concert note-for-note just like on their records, Zeppelin far too often would go off on these tangents in concert and just do these self-indulgent jams that were downright boring at times.  For instance, it took them damn near half-an-hour to play "Dazed And Confused" on The Song Remains The Same, and we got nearly 15-minutes' worth of "Whole Lotta Love", too, not to mention an interminable ten-minute drum solo.  And on more than one occasion, it sounded like Jimmy Page forgot to tune his freakin' guitar before hitting the stage.  Legend has it that Led Zeppelin was white-hot in concert back in the day, but I have a feeling The Who on a bad night would still blow them off the stage every time...

Still and all, there's no denying the powerful influence this band has had on everything that came after them.  All four of them were/are outstanding musicians/songwriters too, and you can't sneeze at a band who produced the most-often-played song ever in the history or Rock 'N' Roll radio ("Stairway To Heaven").

My all-time Led Zeppelin Top 10:

1) “How Many More Times” (1969)  Love the bass line from John Paul Jones here...
2) “The Immigrant Song” (1970)  Greatest howl(s) in Rock 'N' Roll history!
3) “Communication Breakdown” (1969)  Short, sweet and to the point…
4) “Rock And Roll” (1971)  Let me get back, let me get back, indeed!
5) “Heartbreaker/Living Loving Maid” (1969)  Killer riff on the first half of the song.
6) “When The Levee Breaks” (1971)  Very atmospheric song--almost takes you there...
7) “D’yer Ma’ker” (1973)  Boogie on, Reggae Plant…
8) “Ten Years Gone” (1975)  Very underrated song from Physical Graffiti.
9) “Black Dog” (1971)  Best Led Zeppelin “Dog” song ever!
10) “Hot Dog” (1979)  R. Plant sings “Hee-Haw”; 2nd-best Led Zep “Dog” song ever...
HONORABLE MENTIONS: “Boogie With Stu”, “Misty Mountain Hop”, “The Crunge”, “Down By The Seaside”, “Celebration Day”, “Thank You”, “Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?”

Farewell Falwell...

Well, Jerry Falwell bit the big one yesterday at age 73.  While I’m not taking any great delight in his passing, I ain’t exactly shedding any tears over it, either.  Surely you don’t expect me to sit here and praise this man, do you?  My opinion of him hasn’t changed one iota just because he’s dead, and I’d be a total hypocrite if I said anything good about him now.  To be brutally honest, my initial reaction to the news of his death was "Please tell me they found him in bed with a prostitute!"  Sorry folks, but to me, Rev. Falwell was nothing more than a money-grubbing religious phony and hate monger who hid behind the Bible to spread his misguided bigotry and force his morality on weak-willed, emotionally-crippled people, all the while fleecing them of their money and lining his own pocketbook.  He’s not the only one—I’ve despised nearly all T.V. evangelists with a passion for years now—but he's the poster boy for that whole movement, and like I've said before, the bigger they are, the less I trust them.

Falwell’s remarks in the aftermath of 9/11 are really all you ever need to know about him, if you’re an intelligent free-thinking individual:

“...what we saw on Tuesday, as terrible as it is, could be minuscule if, in fact—if, in fact—God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve...The ACLU’s got to take a lot of blame for this...The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America--I point the finger in their face and say, ‘you helped this happen.’”

Our nation was grieving and hurting, but instead of being a healer—which is what a Holy Man should be—this bastard (along with his lackey friend Pat Robertson) pointed fingers and assigned blame to our country for the acts of foreign terrorists who attacked our country because they (the terrorists) hate us.  Then again, what else should one expect from a man who went out of his way to find homosexuality in an innocuous cartoon character aimed at three-year-olds?

Good riddance to a fucking asshole, I say…

Post 207

...Nothing special about that--I just couldn't think of a clever title today!

GREAT KISS TRIVIA QUESTION
Q: Who is the only member of Kiss to ever appear on "Saturday Night Live"? And no, it ain't who you'd think!  Answer below...

SPEAKING OF BANDS THAT BEGIN WITH "K"...
...I'm finally through the K's in my A-Z CD-playing sojourn that began 3.5 months ago, and today I listened to my Krokus greatest hits CD.  Far from the greatest metal band in the world, but for better or worse, they remain the most successful band Switzerland ever produced.  They had a couple cool songs back in the early '80s, like "Eat The Rich" (not to be confused with the Motorhead song of the same name) and "Screaming In The Night", among others.  If nothing else, Krokus holds the world record for the most unnecessary and blandest hard rock song cover versions of all-time—namely "American Woman", "School's Out" and "Ballroom Blitz".

EXTREME MALARKEY
Did y'all catch the "Extreme Makeover" show last night about the house they remade in the Kansas City area?  If so, can you please explain to me the appeal of this show?  House remodeling on TV is about as exciting as those Sunday morning fishing shows to me.  The last time they did one of these things in K.C., I had to take detours on the way home from work because of all the hysteria surrounding it.  And given the neighborhoods they do these home makeovers in, the made-over house winds up standing out like a turd in a swimming pool...

REALITY, MY ASS!
While I'm at it, check out this little blurb about the other half of the "Extreme Makeover" franchise.  I'm especially intrigued by the part that read, "McGee allegedly was goaded into videotaping 'hurtful and horrific statements' about her sister's appearance."  Why do I have the feeling that this is not an isolated incident in "Reality TV World", either?  These lame-ass shows are so freakin' contrived that even Reverend Jim on "Taxi" could see through the B.S.  So why is it the American viewing public can't seem to see through the same B.S.?

WE DON'T SERVE YOUR KIND HERE!
Kudos to the steakhouse owner in Louisville who had the stones to tell unconvicted double-murderer O.J. Simpson and his entourage to take a hike last weekend on the eve of the big horsie race.  The restauranteur knew damn well that the "real killers" weren't on the premesis, so there was no reason for The Juice to be there, anyway.  I guess O.J. and crew wound up chowing down at a Chick-Fil-A in Paducah eventually.

Just for the record, I do think O.J. did it...

UNCLEAR OF THE CONCEPT?
The U. of Missouri fired its openly-gay men's lacrosse coach today following a losing season.  I can't resist asking—why is it news that they would have an openly-gay lacrosse coach?  After all, as Brother Carlin has already accurately pointed out—lacrosse is indeed a faggot college activity...

GREAT KISS TRIVIA ANSWER  A: Bruce Kulick.  Several years before joining Kiss, young master Kulick was a member of Meat Loaf's touring band during a 1980 "SNL" appearance.  Elton John guitarist Davey Johnstone also toured with The Loaf for a time during the early '80s.  Impress your friends with that little hunk o' trivia...

Happy 7-0, George!

I quote him often on here, and for good reason—along with Robin Williams and the late Richard Pryor, George Carlin is probably the most influential stand-up comedian of my generation, and just one damn funny dude.  George turns 70 today, if you can believe that.  His observations about little everyday minutiae and the quirks of the English language are brilliant, and even though he's turned into a bit of a curmudgeon in recent years, he can still pack a punch with his humor—if you catch him on the right night, that is.  I was lucky enough to have an older sister who bought Carlin's albums back in the '70s, so I was exposed to his work at a very early age (probably earlier than I should have been), and it didn't take me long to memorize most of his routines, which I would often recite verbatim to friends and classmates.  I even had the temerity to do one of George's bits for a 7th grade Speech class!  I hated having to memorize stuff on the fly, and the topic was "humorous interpretation", so since I knew his stuff inside and out anyway, I did his routine "Some Werds" from the Toledo Window Box album (not to be confused with the seven dirty ones bit!), which included lines like, "a bone is like a crumb...if you break a crumb in half you don't have two half-a-crumbs—you got two crumbs!"  The teacher had this jaundiced look on her face at first when I announced I was doing a G. Carlin work, but I never uttered one objectionable curse word, and she actually gave me a B+ for my efforts!  In fact, one of the funniest Carlin albums you'll ever hear is called Take-Offs & Put-Ons, which was recorded in 1965 before it was fashionable to use swear words in public.  Just goes to show that the man was funny, whether he was "dirty" or not...

George's "Seven Dirty Words..." bit is the stuff of legend, of course, but his work goes well beyond that.  Another Carlin classic is his "Baseball and Football" routine, which never seems to get old, no matter how often you hear it.  "Baseball is played on a diamond in a park—the baseball park; Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium—WAR Memorial Stadium!"  George also coined another phrase that I just love regarding the sport of lacrosse:  "Lacrosse isn't a sport—it's a faggot college activity!"  And regarding NASCAR, George sez, "Who cares who wins these things—it's the same five rednecks every week anyway...I wanna see a multi-car pile-up and a car fire!"  I could go on and on, but you get the idea...

I had the good fortune to meet Mr. Carlin about 20 years ago and got his otto-graph.  My friend Tom and I attended his performance at the Midland Theater in K.C. in 1987, and we were heading back to the car after the show when we spotted a limo parked outside a door marked "Stage Door".  I skeptically figured it was a decoy and that George was long gone already, but we waited around a few minutes anyway, and sure enough, George and his entourage emerged from the building, thus Tom and I hastily scampered back across 13th St. to meet him.  I remember he was wearing a white ZZ Top ballcap, and I remarked, "Hey, another ZZ Top fan!"  George politely signed my show program and said, "I noticed you two skulking across the street, there," and to this day, every time I hear the word "skulking", I think of George Carlin...

Sadly (and perhaps predictably) George's career has soured a bit over the last ten years or so.  There was his rather questionable foray into TV sitcom land in the mid-'90s with "The George Carlin Show", where he was very much out-of-his-element.  He also put out a CD in 1999 called You Are All Diseased that was so hateful and full of vitriol that I actually deleted it from my collection without even burning a copy first.  What was once bitingly satirical humor had turned into mean-spirited rancor.  Although he has done some slightly funnier stuff since then, he still seems to want to milk the "bitter old man" shtick for all it's worth.  It's somewhat understandible—George's longtime wife Brenda died the day before his 60th birthday, and it's not too hard to see how that could harden one's heart, but I was quite disheartened to read a couple years back when Carlin actually turned on members of his own audience in Las Vegas and started berating them—very uncool, George!  These folks paid good money to see you perform, dude—don't be ripping your own people, even if you do have issues with them!  Predictably, he blamed it on some pain medication he was on and promptly went into rehab.  Sure, right, whatever...

Still and all, none of that diminishes what has been an outstanding career, George is one of those comedians who makes you think after listening to him, and one Carlin routine resonates with me more than all the others, and it's all about religion.  I'll just warn you now—those of you who are religious at all would best be advised to steer clear here, lest ye be offended, because it so accurately encapsulates how I feel about organized religion:

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do—every minute of every day—and the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do—and if you do ANY of these ten things, He has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where He will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever until the end of time—BUT, He loves you..."

To paraphrase George's own early '70s bit about the late Ed Sullivan:  "Thanks, George!...A little maudlin, gang, but thanks, George!"

Unrelated thoughts...

A TACTICAL ERROR ON THEIR PART?
The big highway message boards around KC the last couple weeks keep warning motorists about some "Aggressive Driving Enforcement Zone—April 26-May 22".  Dumb question, but why are the law enforcement types even tipping their hand here?  Call me crazy, but it seems to me that the element of surprise would be the key element in nabbing these miscreants...

A BOOT TO THE HEAD...
...to the hateful-looking skank with the tattoos who was being mean to her little girl at Margarita's Mexican restaurant this afternoon while I was trying to enjoy my chicken burrito.  The little girl was just being a little girl, but this be-yatch expected her to stand at attention the entire time they were there.  I may be guilty of judging books by covers here, but I'd bet my next paycheck this child was born out of wedlock, and this whore probably has a different boyfriend every other weekend.  This is one of those times when I truly wish they'd make it mandatory for people to fill out an application in order to breed...

ANOTHER BOOT TO THE HEAD...
...to all these people with those little earpiece cell phone things.  As G. Carlin once said, "Technology has brought us these self-important twits."  Call me old-school all you want, but I am so sick of these fuckers at the grocery store going around acting important and jabbering away, while I think they're actually speaking to me at first until I spot that high-tech Q-Tip in their ear!  And while I'm at it—what is so bloody important that can't wait until you get home to talk about anyway?  This is precisely why I don't even own a cell phone—I like being inaccessible!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #31
"Back In The U.S.S.R."—THE BEATLES (1968) "On the way the paperback was on my knee/Man, I had a dreadful flight…"  I always thought Paul had a paper bag on his knee!  Who knows what was actually in that paper bag, too!

NASA WARNS OF MORE "SCORCHING SUMMERS" IN THE EASTERN U.S.
Ya think?  Well, that's a damn sight better than "Scorching Winters", I dare say!  Summers are supposed to scorch, you big dummies!

VICK THE DICK?
Lots of controversy surrounding Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick today, as some folks who personally know him are claiming that he was/is well-aware of and has an "affinity" for the literal dog-eat-dog shenanigans that have allegedly been going on lately at a home that he owns in Virginia.  These allegations may or may not be true, but one thing's for sure—young master Vick has this bad habit of stepping on his own winky—whilst wearing spiked golf shoes...

DUMBEST TV COMMERCIAL CAMPAIGNS--THE CURRENT STANDINGS
1) Enzyte "male enhancement" products (all)
2) eHarmony.com (all)
3) Enterprise Rent-A-Car (all)
4) Sonic Drive-Ins (w/the two dorks in the minivan)
5) Geico Insurance (w/cavemen)
6) Allstate Insurance (w/the Dennis Haysbert lectures)
7) Geico Insurance (w/the babbling gecko)
8) Subway Restaurants (w/Jared)
9) FreeCreditReport.com (w/that "I'm thinking of a number" pussy)
10) Hanes bras and panties (w/some artsy-fartsy female dance troupe prancing around in their ugly-ass underwear and looking utterly silly)

Top 10 Kiss Blunders of All-Time--Part 2 of 2

5) Double Platinum/Smashes, Thrashes & Hits song remixes  As I’ve stated before, I take a real dim view when bands and/or producers screw with the integrity of their own original recordings.  Nothing wrong with going back and doing remixes to clean up the sound quality or remove defects, but it chafes my hiney no end when they start making major changes to the recordings like overdubbing new vocals or guitar parts or drum machines or whatever, and that’s what Kiss did on their first two best-of compilations, 1978’s Double Platinum and 1988’s lamely-titled Smashes, Thrashes & Hits.  Smashes contains noticeably-different mixes of "Love Gun" and "Rock And Roll All Nite", and in a very heinous move, they substituted Peter Criss’ original vocal on "Beth" with that of the late Eric Carr.  I don’t fault Carr so much here because he was really desperate to get a lead vocal on any Kiss record.  Gene and Paul would give a couple tunes to Eric to sing in concert, but their egos were too fragile to allow another talented singer like him to grab a little of the spotlight on record, so he seized the opportunity to sing here, but I always thought it was very insulting to Peter Criss—"Beth" is his baby, pure and simple!  In some cases, they simply re-cut songs altogether, like "Strutter ‘78" on Platinum, where they added a totally unnecessary disco-y beat to the song.  Mind you, they didn’t do this to every track on those albums, but what I’m saying is if you’re so proud of your previous output, then why fuck with it?

4) Eric Singer in Peter’s make-up/Tommy Thayer in Ace’s  In a move that pissed off more than a few Kiss fans (me included), when Peter Criss parted company with the band for the second time in 2001, Gene and Paul compounded the situation by bringing drummer Eric Singer back to the band and having him wear Criss’ cat make-up and costume for their overseas tours.  Criss later returned briefly in 2003 for a tour, but when Ace Frehley left for good in 2002, he was also replaced with a facsimile, former Black ‘N’ Blue guitarist Tommy Thayer, who’d previously been "Ace" in a Kiss tribute band, and was also part of the Kiss technical staff on the road.  Singer and Thayer are both good soldiers and very good musicians as well, but I would’ve much preferred to see Kiss retire the make-up and costumes for good after the original four broke up the second time and if Gene and Paul wanted to continue making new music under the band’s name with Singer and Thayer (or Bruce Kulick), then fine and dandy.  Everything that’s transpired since the so-called "Farewell" tour in 2000 has made this group look more like a Kiss tribute band than the real McCoy—sorta like when Willie Mays played for the Mets...

3) Dynasty/Unmasked/Music From The Elder  Kiss was a very fractured band following the release of the four solo albums in 1978, and the period from ‘79 to ’81 was downright strange, as the band had no real musical direction during that time.  They had lost their edge, and were trying to appeal to too-wide an audience, and the whole thing pretty much disintegrated over three of the weakest albums in the band’s history.  Not that there weren’t some good songs on Dynasty—"I Was Made For Lovin’ You" has aged remarkably well in almost 30 years and "Sure Know Something" is one of Paul Stanley’s finer vocal performances.  Problem was, this stuff just wasn’t Kiss!  The hardcore fan base that had been brought up on "Deuce", "Cold Gin" and "Black Diamond" felt disenfranchised, and rightfully so.  Although the band still rocked-out in concert, they were wimping-out on record, big-time.  Actually, Unmasked really wasn’t a bad record at all—if it had been done by a different band.  It would have made a great Toto or Eddie Money album, or a really edgy Billy Joel album instead.  In fact, on the song "She’s So European", if you didn’t know any better, you’d almost swear that it was the Piano Man himself singing instead of Gene Simmons.  As for Elder—an ambitious but ill-advised concept album intended to impress the critics—it was just plain weird hearing Paul Stanley singing about "a child in a sun dress" and other Harry Potter-ish fantasy clap-trap.  A couple tracks do rock out here, namely "The Oath" and "Escape From The Island" (a rare Kiss instrumental), and right at the end of the final track "I", we hear the call-to-arms from Gene when he screams, "I wanna Rock and Roll all night!"  This signaled the end of this three-year "Lost Weekend", as their next album would be much harder and heavier and return the band to its former glory.

2) Kiss Meets The Phantom of The Park  "A Hard Day’s Night meets Star Wars", as Paul Stanley described the original concept of the 1978 made-for-TV Kiss movie, Phantom is one of those classic "seemed like a brilliant idea at the time" deals—and a monumental flop too.  It didn’t seem as bad to me when I was 14 as it does today, and boy, is it bad!  Loaded with dreadful dialogue that sounds like it was written by 3rd-graders, a hokey storyline, and simply awful acting all around—and most of that came from the professional stiffs they hired for this thing!  At least the band had an excuse—they weren’t trained actors.  It didn’t help that the movie was produced by the Hanna-Barbera folks, better known for their Saturday morning cartoon fare—can you imagine the possibilities if say, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg had directed?  The film was beset with problems anyway, as Peter Criss and Ace Frehley were easily bored and got fed up with waiting around for shooting to begin—Ace actually got in his car one day and drove off in his full costume and make-up.  And here’s a blunder within a blunder:  during the scene where the "evil" Kiss faced off with the real Kiss, Ace’s double was a black guy in full make-up and identical costume, but Frehley had to point out to the director that the guy’s hands were still black, so they outfitted him with a pair of flesh-colored gloves.  There’s another scene that supposed to be the real Ace, but you can easily tell it’s the black guy just by the size of his lips (no racism intended here).  Must’ve been the day Ace drove off...

1) Carnival of Souls  This is the one Kiss album I absolutely abhor.  Of everything they’ve ever released, this is the ONLY Kiss CD I ever seriously wanted my money back for.  Even Music From The Elder blows this piece of crap away.  You’d think Elder would’ve taught Gene and Paul a lesson, but once again, Kiss decided to try and impress the critics instead of the fans by not remaining true to themselves and by making a record they had no business making.  I’ve had this CD for ten years now, and I think I’ve maybe played it from start-to-finish four times, at most.  It was recorded sometime around 1994 as the follow-up to the somewhat overlooked Revenge CD from ’92, but sat on the shelf for three years while the whole reunion thing happened with Ace and Peter returning, and thank goodness they did, because if this pile of excrement was the direction the band was heading musically, I might’ve disowned them.  In a nutshell, it was Kiss trying to sound like Soundgarden and all those other crappy Seattle grunge bands that were hot at that time, and the result was beyond pathetic.  Revenge was a heavy album, yes, but it was bright and had a positive vibe to it—not dark and depressing like Carnival, which was just a lame attempt at aimless, boring, gloom-and-doom slacker music for all those Gen X-ers to commiserate to.  There’s a world of difference between "I’m a War Machine," with all its cartoonish macho bravado and "Hate—that’s what I am," with its dark and foreboding tone.  I could just picture the accompanying tour for the album, if it had ever happened:  Gene and Paul wearing flannel shirts and ugly green sweaters with stocking caps looking like a couple Mountain Dew adrenaline junkies on skateboards.  COS was the only Kiss album that got zero stars from me...

Top 10 Kiss Blunders of All-Time--Part 1 of 2

You wanted the fuck-ups—you got the fuck-ups!  As I've previously noted on this here blog, Kiss is my favorite band on Earth in this hemisphere, but they aren't above a little reproach now and then.  The Hottest Band In The World has made its fair share of missteps over the past 35 years or so, and in best "They can't do that to our pledges—only WE can do that to our pledges" tradition, please allow a true Kiss fan to lampoon those times when those Gotham Ghouls went astray...












10) Creatures Of The Night album cover  In one of this band’s most innocuous yet curious moves, their 1982 comeback album Creatures Of The Night has been issued with two different cover photos, neither of which featured the actual lead guitarist who played on the record.  Upon its initial release, COTN’s original cover featured the beautifully spooky shot of the band’s faces in full make-up over a dark blue backdrop with their eyes glowing brightly á la the "I Love It Loud" video.  It’s unclear to this day who actually played lead guitar on COTN—depending on who you ask, Vinnie Vincent played a little on it (and did co-write three tracks), Bruce Kulick’s brother Bob played on a few tracks, and heaven knows, Eddie Van Halen may have dropped in for a session or two.  But what is clear is that neither Ace Frehley (whose face adorns the original cover) nor Bruce Kulick played a note on this record, which makes the 1985 re-issue of the album with a new cover photo featuring Bruce and the band without make-up (and not looking very Creature-like, either) a total mystery.  In addition to the new front cover, the cool original back cover featuring a lightning-streaked dark sky was replaced by someone's leather-clad butt (Gene's or Paul's, I presume).  They also remixed a couple songs in places and even flip-flopped two tracks in the batting order ("Saint & Sinner" and "Killer") for reasons unknown.  Order was eventually restored (literally and figuratively) in 1997 when PolyGram released the Kiss remasters, and COTN reverted back to its original cover, track lineup and sound mix.

9) Vinnie Vincent  Ol’ "Ankh Head" was a pretty decent songwriter ("I Love It Loud", "I Still Love You", "Lick It Up" and "Young And Wasted" were all co-written by him), and he also co-wrote for other groups like The Bangles, but he was a very average guitar player, at best, and a megalomaniac to boot, thus his tenure with Kiss was a short one.  V.V. was a stop-gap replacement for Ace Frehley for the ill-fated Creatures Of The Night tour—even I wasn’t aware that Ace had left the band until literally the night of a Kiss concert at Municipal Auditorium on March 1, 1983.  My reaction to him was not unlike that of most Kiss fans: "Who the fuck is this guy?"  Unlike the way AC/DC fans took to Brian Johnson almost immediately after replacing the late Bon Scott, Kiss fans didn’t embrace Vincent at all (probably because Ace was still very much alive), and Vinnie did nothing to make us forget our favorite Space Man/Plumber.  His guitar solos were weak and all sounded the same, and he looked (for the lack of a better term) kinda faggy, both with and without make-up.  True, Paul Stanley has made a career out of gender-bending to a degree, but he looks a lot cooler doing it and has far more charisma.  Vinnie also let his own ego get the best of him, expecting the band to treat him as an equal, even though he was basically a hired hand who had yet to earn his stripes, and he eventually got the heave in ‘84.  Gene Simmons even tried to make peace with the guy and throw him a bone by recording a couple of V.V.’s songs for 1992’s Revenge album, and Vinnie managed to piss all over that venture too.  Vinnie Vincent had all sorts of potential, but was his own worst enemy.

8) The Kiss caskets  Of all the merchandizing Kiss has done over the years—everything from posters to t-shirts to dolls to condoms to pinball machines—the most crass offering of all has to be the Kiss caskets that have been on the market about five years or so now.  Yes folks, for about $3,000, you can go to your final reward in style and line Gene Simmons’ bank account at the same time!  For those of you who opt for cremation, I’m sure they have Kiss urns available as well.  "Death, I hear you calling…"

7) Asylum-era wardrobe  It’s a mystery what the band was thinking when they wore such gaudy outfits on-stage and in the videos for the 1985 Asylum album.  We’re talking loud day-glo colors, sequins, boas, evening gloves, the works—it was as if Kiss had raided Phyllis Diller’s closet!  Even Gene Simmons expresses complete dismay looking back on the subject:  "I looked like a drag queen…"  It’s too bad that the tacky wardrobe choices (and hideous album cover) overshadowed what I think was a damn good record.

6) Gene’s acting career  After Kiss took off the make-up in 1983, Gene Simmons could no longer fall back on his alter-ego demon persona, so to compensate for it, his insatiable ego got the best of him and he answered the call of Hollywood and became a serious actor in movies and on TV—much to the band’s detriment.  It was at this point that Kiss became a hobby for Gene, and he basically phoned things in musically for quite a while, particularly on 1984’s Animalize, where Paul Stanley practically carried the band on his shoulders, producing the record himself and playing some of Gene’s bass parts in addition to his usual roles.  They even imported Jean Beavoir of The Plasmatics to do some of the bass work, and the songs that Gene did manage to contribute to that album were all pretty half-assed, at best.  This is not to say Gene was a bad actor—he was actually quite good, especially in Runaway with Tom Selleck and in his guest appearances on TV shows like "Miami Vice" and HBO’s "The Hitchhiker", and he even got blown up by Rutger Hauer in Wanted-Dead or Alive—but it was obvious his head was elsewhere when it came to the band.  This pattern continued off-and-on through the rest of the ‘80s, with Gene diluting himself even further by also running his own record company, signing and producing other bands like Keel, EZO and Giuffria on top of the movie stuff until Stanley finally got in Gene’s face and told him to knock off the extracurricular stuff in the early ‘90s.