"They Died Old"--Volume III

"REMEMBER THE ROAR"
When I left off in my second installment of this little series on classic sporting venues, we were on the South Side of Chicago.  Come with me now around to the West Side to that boxy little cacophony known as Chicago Stadium, where the likes of Jordan, Mikita, T. Esposito, Chelios and Rodman (?!?) ruled.  It was home of the Bulls and Blackhawks, as well the world’s first Arena Football game, and a place I deeply regret not visiting more often than I did, but the two times I did partake of the "Madhouse On Madison Street" left a lasting impression on me.

Chicago Stadium opened in 1929, and in its early years was known mostly for hosting boxing matches and political conventions (sometimes simultaneously), and Sugar Ray Robinson often held court there, including when he beat the living snot out of Carmen Basilio on March 25, 1958, sending him to the hospital for nine days.  Assassinated Chicago mayor Anton J. Cernak’s funeral was held there in early, 1933, too.  Bicycle racing was also a staple during the arena’s early days, when the annual six-day bike races were immensely popular during the ’30s and ‘40s, along with the usual arena fare of concerts, circuses and figure skating events.

My first visit to Chicago Stadium was a Blackhawks game with the L.A. Kings on November 4, 1990.  I’d driven by the place a couple times during previous Windy City summer sojourns, and I was dying to see it on the inside.  However, I was extremely leery of the neighborhood in which the Stadium was located.  I gotta tell ya, folks, it’s bad—I mean really bad!  Even worse than the neighborhood surrounding Comiskey Park.  Therefore, I was quite concerned for the welfare of my three-year-old ’87 T-Bird (with its Missouri license tags and Kansas City Comets bumper stickers that screamed out "Tourist!" to the local vandals) while it sat scared shitless in the parking lot during the game, not knowing exactly what I would come back to afterward.  The arena was only a couple blocks from the expressway, and they have cleaned up the area a bit with the advent of the United Center built across the street from the Stadium site, but even today you only have to drive three blocks in any direction from there and you’re smack dab in the middle of the ‘hood.  Luckily "The Bird" was still intact and functional after the game that night, but if you ever attend a Bulls or Blackhawks game at United Center, I urge extreme caution, or they might have to bring your hat to the hospital...

In 1932, Chicago Stadium unwittingly leaped about 60 years ahead of its time by hosting the world’s first indoor football game.  The Chicago Bears were to play the Portsmouth Spartans (now the Detroit Lions) in the NFL Championship game, but the weather outside was frightful (even by Chi-town standards), and Wrigley Field was completely iced over and unusable.  So, it was decided to truck in some dirt and play on a makeshift 60-yard field (plus the 10-yard end zones) on the Stadium floor, thus on December 18, 1932, Arena Football was born!  The Bears won 9-0 in a game that was surprisingly well-played in spite of the unusual situation.  However, kicking was a bit of an adventure, as some punts hit the rafters and one kickoff nearly knocked out a window.

The NBA's Chicago Bulls played their first season just a few blocks from Comiskey Park at the equally-old International Amphitheater (which wasn’t actually an amphitheater, nor was there anything terribly international about it), and moved to the Stadium for the 1967-68 season.  I remember watching many a game broadcast from there, both on national TV and locally when we had the Kansas City (and/or) Omaha Kings.  The Bulls of the early ‘70s featured the likes of Chet "The Jet" Walker, Bob Love, Norm Van Lier (whose guts I truly loathed, for some reason) and current Utah Jazz head coach Jerry Sloan.  They were a good team, but not a great one until #23 came along in 1984 and turned the NBA on its collective ears.  But from start-to-finish, Chicago Stadium was a hockey arena first and foremost, home of the NHL’s Blackhawks, who still sport quite possibly the coolest uniforms of any sports franchise, native American protesters be damned!  The ‘Hawks last won the Stanley Cup 46 years ago, but they were always competitive no matter what, and the Stadium often gave them a distinct home-ice advantage with its shorter ice surface and sheer volume.

Being an old arena, by definition the Stadium naturally had a few quirks.  The hockey press box was on the end of the rink instead of on the side, and the players actually had to climb a rather steep staircase (in their skates, no less) leading from the locker rooms to the ice surface.  The Blackhawks’ zamboni had its own cage right there on the main concourse on the lower level.  There was also the legendary "Gate 3 ½", located between 3 and 4 on the west side of the building where autograph hounds and groupies congregated as the players and/or singers and bands entered and left the premises.

Chicago Stadium had two other beloved features (besides #23):  its mighty foghorn that saluted each Blackhawk goal and the even mightier Barton pipe organ that was perched on the east end of the arena.  The horn was so loud that if you were sitting anywhere near it, the damn thing would probably give you brain damage.  The organ, which was manned for 47 years by the late Al Melgard, followed by his protégé Frank Pellico, was unique for its ornate multi-tiered keyboard and cathedral-like sound, as well as its pipe work, which was actually built into the framework of the Stadium roof.  Some pipes were wide enough for a full-grown man to fit in, and others were as thin as an ink pen, and the organ took over 100 people to install.  According to legend, if the organ’s volume had ever been turned up to full-blast, one note would’ve blown out every window in the building.  Sadly, they weren’t able to preserve the piping, but the organ itself was spared when Chicago Stadium was demolished in 1995 and it’s now on display in the home of Las Vegas millionaire Phil Maloof (co-owner of the Sacramento Kings).

Once inside, I was immediately impressed with what immaculate condition Chicago Stadium was in even at its advanced age.  The concourses were cramped and narrow, yes, but they were clean and well-lit, which is more than I can say for Kansas City’s Kemper Arena, even today.  I was also surprised at how small the place seemed when I got to my seat on the lower level—it always appeared to be huge on TV, and I couldn’t believe they could actually shoe-horn 18,000 people in this joint.  It also struck me how the seating bowl was shaped almost like our Arrowhead Stadium, only on a much smaller scale, with the upper level sprouting "wings" that reached into the corners—sorta like Arrowhead inside a box, if you will.

Then came was the pre-game festivities.  The crowd stood politely during the playing of "Oh, Canada", and then the "Star-Spangled Banner" was introduced.  The crowd cheered wildly, and at first I thought it was because Chicago legend Wayne Messmer was doing the honors, but when he got to "What so proudly we hailed…" the crowd was still cheering vociferously, and I looked around in bewilderment.  This, boys and girls, was my on-the-fly indoctrination to "The Roar", a little tradition I knew nothing about until that night.  The cheering never stopped until we got to the "Home of the brave", and I was blown away—the building was loud enough as it was, then add this torrent of sound on top of it—man, what a way to get fired up for a game!  Apparently, The Roar began sometime in the early ‘80s, but it usually didn’t start until reaching "the rockets’ red glare", but as time worn on, the cheering started inching further and further back to the beginning of the song, and thus, you have a legend.  Just a few months after my visit, The Roar was featured on national TV prior to the 1991 NHL All-Star Game from the Stadium during the height of the Persian Gulf War.  ‘Hawks fans still do The Roar today, but it’s just not the same at the sterilized and cavernous United Center.

The hockey game itself was a double treat for me.  Not only did I get to see the Stadium and enjoy The Roar, but I got to see Wayne Gretzky play in person for the first and only time.  I’d love to have seen him score a goal, but he got stoned by the Blackhawks goalie on a one-on-one breakaway which was actually even more exciting, and the game ended in a 2-2 tie.  I returned for an encore during my 1994 "The Puck Stops Everywhere" hockey road trip and took in the next-to-next-to-last regular season game at Chicago Stadium as the Blackhawks and Calgary Flames skated to another 2-2 tie.  At least I got to hear the horn a couple times and do The Roar one last time.

Just as an aside, anthem singer Wayne Messmer (who also sings at Cubs games and once served as their P.A. announcer) was nearly killed that same month I visited in 1994 when he was shot by a 15-year-old kid during a robbery attempt one night after a game.  Did I mention that Chicago Stadium sat in a bad neighborhood?  Wayne eventually recovered and was back singing again, but was later fired by the Blackhawks for no good reason.  The ‘Hawks owner, William "Dollar Bill" Wirtz is a cheap-ola and a total douchebag, and it’s no small wonder the team hasn’t won a Stanley cup since the Kennedy Administration.

Even though Chicago Stadium was in remarkably good condition for its age in the early ‘90s, its replacement was inevitable.  One would think the Bulls and Blackhawks would have seized the opportunity to escape the ghetto they were in and build a new arena elsewhere in town.  As a certain former Chicago native once succinctly put it, "but noooooooooo!"  Instead, they just moved right across the street to the lifeless sterile confines of the United Center, which by and large, is reviled by most Chicagoans, especially Blackhawks fans.  It’s a nice building, yes, dwarfing the Stadium (as you can see in the pic), but it has none of the soul of the old place and isn’t nearly as loud.  Seems to me that if they were going to stay put in that crappy neighborhood anyway, they could’ve found a way to somehow renovate Chicago Stadium without removing any of the building’s charm and ambience (or volume).  I feel sorry for sports fans who never got to see a game at Chicago Stadium.  Everyone raves about the old Boston Garden, but it was vastly overrated—the Madhouse on Madison Street may well have been the greatest indoor sports arena of all-time.

Misc. Musings

A TRULY MOVING EXPERIENCE
I spent most of my day helping a good friend of mine move into his newly-built house today.  I'm tired, and I'll probably be sore as hell tomorrow, but I feel a nice sense of satisfaction all the same—it's nice to be able to return the favor to a friend who has helped me numerous times in the past.  I do have one thing I'd like to say to my good friend, though:  DON'T MOVE NO MORE!!! (Please!)

BILL FLEMMING, 1926-2007
Was saddened to learn of the death this week of longtime ABC sportscaster Bill Flemming at age 80.  I most associate him with college football coverage during the early ‘70s, but there was no sport too minor for Bill—he gladly would cover most anything for "Wide World of Sports"—everything from cliff diving to barrel jumping to cow chip tossing. I always enjoyed Flemming’s narration (in those pre-ESPN days) on the weekly Sunday morning college football highlight show ("College Football America", I believe it was called) that featured 6-8 games from the previous day.  Although it always pissed me off that they never showed Missouri highlights on it, the show was a perfect lead-in to the NFL pregame shows on Sundays, and Bill Flemming was a part of the sports soundtrack of my youth right up there with the likes of Pat Summerall, Keith Jackson, the late Curt Gowdy and—here’s a blast from the past for you—Al DeRogatis.

R.I.P., Bill—ya done good...

LET IT GO, ALREADY!
I would give almost anything for ESPN and the rest of the sports talk yappers to drop their obsession about whether baseball commish Bud Selig is going to be around when and/or if Barely Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s home run record.  Both Selig and Bonds are assholes anyway, and I really don’t care to watch Bud flashing a big fake smile like Eli Manning did when he stood there at the 2005 NFL draft holding that Chargers jersey out like it was a bustier for him to wear.  I still hope Bonds suffers a career-ending injury before he gets to 756, but if he does indeed break the record, I still have yet to decide how I'll react.  I've narrowed it down to four: scratch my balls, fart, yawn or all of the above.  I'll be sure to let everyone know what transpires when and if it's necessary...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #42
"You’re In My Heart"—ROD STEWART (1977) "Your fashion sense, Beardsley prints, I put down to experience."  I thought Rod sang, "Your fashion sayin’s/Beardsley Prince".  I even once asked, "Who the hell is Beardsley Prince?"

FEMA SCHEDULES AIRLINE FLIGHTS NOW?
I've been perusing flights and airfares for my upcoming September vacation to the Bay Area.  Get a load of this return flight one can select for $300, round-trip:  Depart the Oakland airport at 10PM, California time, and fly all the way to Atlanta—yes, the one in Georgia, folks—then turn around and fly back to Kansas City and arrive at 9AM the next morning, Missouri time!  Meantime, there are plenty of other return flights that are a $100 cheaper and stop in cities on the way like Salt Lake City and Denver.  Could someone please explain the logic in this to me like I'm a four-year-old?

CAPTAIN FANTASTIC WILL BE AT THE HELM...
...for our new Sprint Center arena's shakedown cruise on October 13th.  It seems that Reginald Kenneth Dwight of Pinner, Middlesex, England will throw out the first pitch and play the first concert at our new hootenanny joint.  Sounds like a plan to me...

Soul Brother Number 926.43

It sometimes comes as a great shock to some people who know me—the über Kiss, Who, Motorhead, Paul Revere & The Raiders fanatic, and all—that yours truly also has a very deep appreciation for classic Soul and R&B music.  My interest in Soul is mostly confined to the late '60s and early-to-mid '70s—the "Golden Age" if you will (before Disco took over)—and it's too bad there's no one out there who can create this same kind of melodic and soulful music today like Isaac Hayes or the late Barry White.  Now Black "music" is little more than all this "homey-this" and "homey-that" Rap garbage, and I find that sad.  Anyway, without further ado, I present to you B.R. Holland's Top 20 Soul/R&B songs of all-time:

20) "You'll Never Find Another Love Like Mine"—LOU RAWLS (1977)  Was brother Lou about the smoothest singer on earth, or what?  I might've given my left and right nut to sound just like him, but that would've rendered me a soprano, thus totally defeating the purpose...
19) "Float On"—THE FLOATERS (1977)  Astrology meets "Soul Train"!  Great song, but the 1980 Cheech & Chong send-up "Bloat On" is even more brilliant:  "Hamburger--and my name is Big Boy...Come with me, baby, to Burger Land..."
18) "Back Stabbers"—THE O'JAYS (1972)  The prolific songwriting/production team of Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff made The O'Jays stars, as well as many other Philadelphia International Records acts.  No one produces records like this anymore...
17) "Strawberry Letter 23"—THE BROTHERS JOHNSON (1977)  Wonderfully trippy soul tune that just floats along not unlike "Float On", only a little faster.
16) "Natural High"—BLOODSTONE (1973)  Unbeknowst to me until just a few years ago, these guys were/are from Kansas City.  Another wonderfully trippy soul tune, indeed.
15) "That Lady (Part I & II)"—THE ISLEY BROTHERS (1973)  You know those water vapor mirages you see coming off the streets on hot summer days?  That's what this song's blistering lead guitar work reminds me of.  Funk at its very finest...
14) "Higher Ground"—STEVIE WONDER (1973)  So many classics from Stevie to choose from, but this one is my favorite.  Funky bass made even funkier by brother Flea on the Red Hot Chili Peppers' remake in 1989.
13) "I'll Be Around"—THE SPINNERS (1972)  Love the horn solo during the middle-eight here.  The Spinners were just hitting their stride with this song, and they reeled off a string of hits over the next five years or so afterwards.
12) "Up The Ladder To The Roof"—THE SUPREMES (1971)  At least for a year or two, Mary Wilson, Cindy Birdsong, and new lead singer Jean Terrell were able to make everyone say, "Diana who?"  This one—along with 1970's "Stoned Love"—was every bit as good as anything the Supremes did with "Miss Ross".
11) "Hey Love"—THE DELFONICS (1970)  Why this wasn't a bigger hit than it was is beyond me.  Too bad these guys never put out an album called Hooked on Delfonics, huh?
10) "If You Don't Know Me By Now"—HAROLD MELVIN & THE BLUE NOTES (1972)  Mind-blowing performance by Teddy Pendergrass on lead vocals on this classic tear-jerker.
9) "You Are Everything"—THE STYLISTICS (1971)  One of the great dance floor "belly-rubbers" of all-time featuring Russell Tompkins, Jr.'s unmistakable falsetto lead vocal from that magical year 1971, when everything on the radio (even The Osmonds) sounded phenomenal to me.
8) "Show And Tell"—AL WILSON (1973)  Even as a 3rd-grader at the time, I really grooved with this song on AM radio.
7) "In The Rain"—THE DRAMATICS (1972)  Extremely underrated Stax Records classic that features some heavily-echoplexed guitar work that makes it sound like the guitar is being played underwater.  Outstanding vocals too.
6) "TSOP (The Sound of Philadelphia)"—MFSB (1974)  Better known as the "Soul Train" theme song, this was probably the high point for the Philadelphia International record label.  That's the Three Degrees doing the "Doot-doot-doodle-e-doo's", too.
5) "What's Goin' On"—MARVIN GAYE (1971)  What an atmospheric tune!  Hard to believe that Marvin was on a cocaine bender when he recorded this absolutely brilliant landmark album.  Even crazier, Motown chief Berry Gordy, Jr. didn't want to release it because it was too political.  Silly Berry...
4) "Smiling Faces Sometimes"—THE UNDISPUTED TRUTH (1971)  The bass line on this one is absolutely sinister—it sounds just like a thief prowling the streets in the middle of the night.  Great vocals here, too.  This song always reminds me of a hot summer night, since that was the time of year it was high on the charts in '71.
3) "Love's Theme"—LOVE UNLIMITED ORCHESTRA (1974)  Some people (including my ex-girlfriend) sadly associate this song with ABC's golf tournament coverage during the '70s, but this splendid instrumental just glides along like a stretch limousine, and it's an all-time favorite of mine.  It blows my mind that the late Barry White was a self-taught musician (and couldn't even read sheet music), yet he was able to produce such incredibly rich sounds as this.  R.I.P., B.W.
2) [Tie] "Theme From Shaft"—Isaac Hayes (1971)/Papa Was A Rolling Stone—THE TEMPTATIONS (1972)  They say this "Shaft" song is a bad mutha? (Shut yo mouth!).  The former is Stax Records' (and Chef's) finest hour, in my opinion, even though the movie it's from is vastly overrated.  And who could forget Bart & Lisa's lovely rendition of it on "The Simpsons"? (Damn right!)  The latter—originally recorded by Undisputed Truth—is Motown's (and The Tempts') finest hour, and a brilliantly-told story of freeloading desperation to boot.  Both songs were the ultimate use of wah-wah pedals in music history too.  They just don't make records like this anymore...
1) "Me And Mrs. Jones"—BILLY PAUL (1972)  Man, I struggled with these top three or four as to which one would top this list, and this classic won by a nose (hair).  The subject matter of a clandestine love affair meant absolutely nothing to me at age eight, but every time I hear "Mrs. Jones", I think back to those nights in the winter of '72-'73 falling asleep to the radio with this lush and sultry song playing.  Why on earth this was Billy Paul's only Top 10 hit is totally unfathomable...

[Amazingly enough, folks like Earth Wind & Fire, The Chi-Lites, James Brown, Al Green and Otis Redding didn't even make the cut here.  That's certainly no slam on any of them—methinks I might have to make this a Top 40 list at some point...]

R.E.O. Styxwagon?

Just finished listening to my Styx CD collection today (I was even able to choke down Kilroy Was Here!) and it wrapped up with the double-live CD set Arch Allies, which captured the first of many Styx and REO Speedwagon joint concert tours commencing in the summer of 2000.  These two bands have been Kansas City favorites for over 35 years now, and during their heyday in the early ‘80s, they were a hot concert ticket in this town. I remember waiting well over four hours in line in the snow in January 1981 for Styx tickets for the Paradise Theater tour, and Speedwagon damn near filled up Arrowhead Stadium in August 1982.  REO and Styx (along with Rush, Kiss, Grand Funk, Black Sabbath, et al) are bands that music critics just love to hate, which in part probably explains why I like them, plus they both were great live bands back in the day.

It’s also rather fun to note the near-parallel histories they share:
—Both bands were formed in 1968 in northeastern Illinois, and their first albums were released within a year of each other in 1971-72.
—Both bands struggled to find an audience and/or radio airplay after releasing their first 4-5 albums and each group seemingly grew more successful at the same intervals (Styx with "Lady" and "Lorelei" in late ‘75 and REO with "Keep Pushin’" in early ’76; Styx with "Come Sail Away" and "The Grand Illusion" in late ’77, REO with "Roll With The Changes" and "Time For Me To Fly" in the spring of ’78), etc. Then Speedwagon and Styx truly hit their popularity motherlode in the winter of 1980-81 with their breakout albums Hi Infidelity and Paradise Theater, respectively, which were both #1 on the Billboard album chart in 1981.
—Each band had their only #1 hits on the Billboard Hot 100 with soft Rock ballads almost within a year of each other; Styx with "Babe" in late 1979, and REO with "Keep On Lovin’ You" in early ’81.
—The heydays for both groups ended at roughly the same time around 1983-84, with only minor resurgences in popularity in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s.  Speedwagon just kinda ran out of gas (sorry, bad pun) following 1984’s Wheels Are Turning LP (although 1987’s Life As We Know It had some good stuff on it), and their decline seems to more less coincide with when Kevin Cronin started bleaching his hair blonde—sorry Kev, but it looks kinda faggy to me.  Styx aided and abetted their own demise with the ill-advised career-killing album Kilroy Was Here in 1983.  When the band was accused of backmasking satanic messages on the classic track "Snowblind" from Paradise, Dennis DeYoung took things a little too personally and came up with this Schlock Rock Opera about a futuristic oppressive society in which Rock music is banned altogether.  The album seemed like a neat idea at the time, but listening it now almost makes banning Rock 'N' Roll sound like a damn good idea!  Almost...
—Each band only has one original member who has been with the group throughout the group’s existence; REO keyboardist Neal Doughty and guitarist James "J.Y." Young of Styx. Original bassist Chuck Panozzo has never officially left Styx, but now only tours and records on a part-time basis since revealing he is HIV-positive in 1998, thus he technically has not made the band’s entire trip.
—Each band has had a key member leave the group for a significant time and subsequently return; Kevin Cronin left Speedwagon after 1972’s R.E.O./T.W.O. and returned in 1976 for the just plain R.E.O. album in ’76.  Tommy Shaw left Styx for a solo career in 1984 and later formed Damn Yankees in 1989 before reuniting with Styx in the mid-‘90s.
—Each band had an original member who was replaced because of substance abuse problems; REO guitarist Gary Richrath was asked to leave in the late ‘80s because of his drug usage, and Styx drummer John Panozzo was replaced by current drummer Todd Sucherman when his alcoholism rendered him unable to tour in the early ‘90s, and he subsequently died of liver disease in 1996.
—Each band is currently estranged from one of its founding members; Gary Richrath from REO (see above item), and keyboardist/leader Dennis DeYoung of Styx.  The feud between DeYoung and the band has been famously festering for about ten years over the band’s musical direction, as Tommy Shaw and J.Y. don’t care to play Dennis’ grandiose Broadway-style music.
—Neither band is likely to be elected to the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, although I think you could make a case for both of them.  They certainly belong there more than the Lovin’ Spoonful or Elvis Costello do…

My All-Time REO Top 10:
1) "Ridin' The Storm Out" (Live-1980)
2) "157 Riverside Avenue" (Live-1980)
3) "Good Trouble" (1982)
4) "Keep Pushin'" (1976)
5) "Say You Love Me Or Say Goodnight" (1978)
6) "Tough Guys" (1980)
7) "Runnin' Blind" (1978)
8) "Keep On Lovin' You" (1980)
9) "Back On The Road Again" (1979)
10) [Tie] "Like You Do" (1972)/"That Ain't Love" (1987)

My All-Time Styx Top 10:
1) "Too Much Time On My Hands" (1981)
2) "Lady" (1973)
3) "Lorelei" (1975)
4) "Rockin' The Paradise" (1981)
5) "Come Sail Away" (1977)
6) "Miss America" (1977)
7) "The Grand Illusion" (1977)
8) "Lonely Child" (1975)
9) "Borrowed Time" (1979)
10) "Fooling Yourself (The Angry Young Man)" (1977)

Come on in--the blogging's fine...

A GLARING OMISSIONAs is typical with my countdowns and lists, I often forget one or two worthy entries, and it took me about three months to realize an egregious error on my part by overlooking Supertramp’s Breakfast In America in my Top 30 Album Covers of All-Time list on the blog.  Not sure where exactly it lands in the rankings now, but it’s always been a favorite of mine.  Great album too—probably the last of the true classic albums of the ‘70s, and certainly S-Tramp’s finest hour(s) in the studio.

MOTHERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
Me madre is thinking about getting cable TV, and she asked me the other day, "Does Compost have an office around here?"  She was referring to Comcast, of course, but Compost actually better sums up my opinion of them sometimes…

THE CONTINUING PUSSIFICATION OF AMERICA
I was quite amused at something my man Leo. Pitts, Jr. wrote in his column this week.  Seems that in the Health section of his Miami Herald paper last week they published some hints for parents to help their kids cope with the death of one (or more) of the beloved characters in the new Harry Potter book.  Only in America could we have grief counseling that covers fictional characters in cheesy Sci-Fi books aimed at geeky 7th-graders!  Where were these fuckers when I was seven and watched the movie Brian’s Song for the first time and was inconsolable afterwards?  At least Brian Piccolo was a real person who died!

CUE THE OPPORTUNISTS...
At the risk of sounding like R. Limbaugh, the animal rights nut-jobs are predictably taking to this Michael Vick thing like arsonists to a burning building—even though the guy literally hasn’t even had his day in court yet.  These folks are already doing a little grandstanding for their cause by picketing and protesting in front of the Atlanta Falcons offices yesterday.  Why picket the Falcons?  Or the NFL?  This isn’t their fault, and neither organization is responsible for one knucklehead’s actions, nor should they have to rush into any kind of decision about Vick’s future employment therein just because PETA wants them to.  Why not picket Vick’s house(s) instead—he’s the one you’re pissed at, right?

Look folks, I didn’t even like Vick before all this hoo-haw began—his other previous transgressions have painted him in a rather shady light and he’s overrated/over-hyped as a quarterback, anyway.  I think he’s guilty as hell myself on this dog-fighting stuff, but let’s at least give the man a chance to try to prove his innocence before we string him up by his nut-sack.  This is America, after all (last time I checked…).

And why do I have this bad feeling Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are going to stick their noses in this before it's all over?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #41
"Stardom In Acton"—PETE TOWNSHEND (1982)  Not an actual lyric this time, but rather the title itself, which for years I misread as "Stardom In Action"!

PARASITE LADY I
Seems only fitting for web pages devoted to Paris Hilton to be called "Paris sites", don't it?
PARASITE LADY II
I read that Tammy Faye was cremated, per her wishes.  I would’ve paid good money to see her imploded…

BECKHAM GIVES ME THE BENDSI don’t care what my good friend Steve in England says, this David Beckham fucker can’t possibly be worth all the hype and hysteria he’s brought with him—nobody’s that good!  And he’s in for a shock when he realizes the caliber of team he now plays for.  The L.A. Galaxy is one of the weaker teams in MLS, and considering all the world-class players he’s accustomed to competing with and against, this will be akin to A-Rod or Albert Pujols playing AA minor league baseball or Peyton Manning playing Arena Football.  MLS is making a colossal mistake by sinking so much money into this guy…

Staying after Girlschool...

Last weekend's passing of former Girlschool guitarist Kelly Johnson made me realize that I'm way overdue to give tribute to one of my all-time favorite heavy metal bands, so as the late Janis Joplin once said, "I must make a-mends."

G-School was formed circa. 1975 as Painted Lady, an all-girl London cover band, by original bassist Enid Williams (not pictured here) and rhythm guitarist Kim McAuliffe (far left in pic).  The band also at one time included future Go-Go's bassist Kathy Valentine, and by 1978, they adopted the name "Girlschool" as drummer Denise Dufort and lead guitarist Kelly Johnson (3rd and 4th from left in pic, respectively) joined, and the band toured with the mighty Motorhead in 1979, subsequently landing on the Bronze Record label shortly afterwards.  Their first album, Demolition, was released in 1980, and their hybrid collaboration with Lemmy and the boys, dubbed "Headgirl" produced the EP St. Valentine's Day Massacre and the hit single (in England) "Please Don't Touch", a cover of the early '60s Johnny Kidd & The Pirates hit.

Several of the tracks from Demolition later resurfaced on Girlschool's 1981 LP Hit And Run, thus resulting in one of the finest heavy metal albums my 43-year-old ears have ever heard. H&R is a killer record from start-to-finish, and there ain't a bad track on it!  It features a balls-to-the-wall cover of Adrian Gurvitz' "Race With The Devil", as well as some very agressive guitar work from Kelly Johnson throughout and outstanding drumming from Denise Dufort—her double-bass drum work actually made Alex Van Halen sound like a pussy! Not too shabby for a bunch of girls, eh?

Shortly after the Hit And Run album and subsequent tour, Enid Williams left the band to be a mom, and was replaced by bassist Gil Weston-Jones (second from left in photo).  The group underwent numerous lineup (and sonic) changes during the rest of the '80s (even operating as a five-piece for a time), and adopted a more polished commercial sound that rankled some hardcore fans, but wasn't totally wretched.  Kim, Enid and Denise continue to record and tour to this day with guitarist Jackie Chambers, who replaced founding member Kelly Johnson, who retired in 2000 and soon after was afflicted with spinal cancer, which she inevitably succumbed to last week.  A sad loss for Heavy Metal, indeed...

My All-Time Girlschool Top 10:
10) "Do You Love Me?" (1985)  Yes, the beloved Kiss tune, and a mighty fine remake of it, to boot.
9) "Take It All Away" (1978)  G-School's first single, which later wound up on Hit And Run.
8) "Please Don't Touch" (1981)  A lovely romantic ballad featuring Brother Lemmy teaming up with the Goyl-School girls...
7) "Can't You See?" (1985)  A song from the "slick" period that most hardcore fans hated, but I really liked the power chords here.
6) "Yeah Right!" (1981)  Rebellious fucking Rock 'N' Roll—again, played by a bunch of fucking girls!
5) "Kick It Down (1981)  Ditto.
4) "C'Mon, Let's Go" (1981)  Ditto again.  Not to be confused with the Ritchie Valens' tune of a similar spelling.
3) "Watch Your Step" (1981)  Ditto one more time...
2) "Hit And Run" (1981)  Title track and excellent lead-off hitter for both an album and a concert.
1) "Race With The Devil" (1981)  The very Girlschool song that first caught my attention at the old Village Records shop in Raytown, as recommended by lost-but-not-forgotten fellow Rock 'N' Roll traveler Bob Mora.  I was already familiar with this tune via the 1977 Black Oak (Arkansas) version, but Denise's stellar drumming and Kim 'n' Kelly's outstanding guitar work took this fucker into the Stratosphere here.  Mr. Mora, wherever the heck you are now, I heartily thank you for clue-ing me in to this outstanding slab of vinyl!

Rod The (Not-So) Mod

Not lately, anyway.  There was a time when Rod Stewart was at least moderately mod, but that was many moons ago.  Listening to his box set Storyteller makes one long for the good ol’ days when Rod was a true Rocker instead of the aging Rocker who now relies on warbling old standards like "What A Wonderful World" (Satchmo's song, not Sam Cooke's) to sell records.  A recent concert review indicates that Stewart still rocks out on tour most of the time, but sadly he’s joined the long list of singers and groups who can’t (or are just too damn lazy to) come up with any new material.  Nothing wrong with honoring the past now and then, but between Stewart and Michael McDonald, do we really need any more remakes of the same tired old Motown songs?  I mean honestly, has Rock ‘N’ Roll truly run out of things to say?  It’s like everyone’s creativity went out the window with the Reagan Administration, and now everybody just recycles the same old stuff.  Thank goodness I’ve been able to discover and delve into more obscure old stuff like Stax Records and Sun Records, et al, that is new to me, or I’d be a very sad audiophile.

I don’t mean bash Stewart altogether here, as this former grave-digger/English soccer star wanna-be has certainly had a fairly prolific career, beginning in the late ‘60s.  His high-water mark for me was 1977’s Foot Loose & Fancy Free, which track-for-track is probably his best overall album.  After that, he lost focus and dabbled in the disco thing with the infamous "Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?" and then became tabloid fodder about the same time over his affair with Alana Hamilton (wife of actor George Hamilton).  Rod’s Jet-Setter/Studio 54-denizen image rubbed me the wrong way, but he did manage to come back with decent albums now and again during the '80s like Tonight I’m Yours and Out of Order, and a couple of his cover songs during that time actually were pretty darn good, namely The Impressions’ "People Get Ready" (with Jeff Beck) and Bob Dylan’s "Forever Young".

There is one Rod Stewart hit that I will never need to hear again as long as I live.  For reasons unknown, back in 7th grade I made the mistake of attending this really dopey Junior High dance.  For other reasons unknown, the organizers of said dopey Junior High dance didn’t have the forethought to actually bring any music, but someone happened to have a copy of "Tonight’s The Night" on hand, and I swear we had to endure that damn song at least ten times that night!  Worse yet, we had to endure it being played on one of those crappy government-issue single-speaker school record players they used for music class (with a microphone in front of it to pipe it through the equally-crappy gymnasium P.A.), thus it had all the fidelity of a C.B. radio.  Great song, but I can’t hear it without thinking of that night.

My All-Time Rod Stewart Top 10:
10) "Stay With Me" (1972-with The Faces)  Love the line "With a face like that, you got nothing to laugh about…"  This band had a pretty formidable lineup at the time too—Stewart on vocals, future Stone Ron Wood on guitar, the late Ronnie Lane on bass, Ian McLagan on keys and future Who drummer Kenney Jones on the skins.
9) "Gasoline Alley" (1968)  Very underrated early Rod classic.
8) "The Killing of Georgie, Parts I & II" (1976)  One of those unorthodox songs that tells a tragic story, but the tune sounds real happy and upbeat, yet it worked anyway.
7) "Tonight I’m Yours" (1981)  This song always makes me think of the ‘80s, and I love the creative use of the bells during the choruses.  I could’ve done without that faggy-sounding "Don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me" crap, though…
6) "Tora! Tora! Tora! (Out With The Boys)" (1981)  Sounded like they actually WERE partying while recording this one...
5) "Hot Legs" (1977)  Probably the raunchiest song Rod ever did, and it’s a classic.  Nice lead guitar work from the underrated Billy Peek too.
4) "Blondes Have More Fun" (1978)  On the whole, I hated this album, but loved the title track, which also features guitarist Billy Peek (stealing a few Chuck Berry riffs).
3) "Maggie May" (1971)  Classic Rock staple that I grew up with on WHB during my halcyon Top 40 radio days as a kid.
2) "I Was Only Joking" (1977)  Stewart’s image as a hot-shot carefree Rock star makes it easy to forget that he can write really good songs now and then, and the closing track on Foot Loose & Fancy Free might well be his best lyrical work ever.
1) "Born Loose" (1977)  Another track from FL&FF, this one sounds very Stones-like in places and has always been my favorite Rod song.  It contains the word "piss" in the lyrics, but why it never got any radio airplay baffles me.

Rant City, here we come...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Be forewarned that my first item below is bound to offend certain people, especially sycophant fans of Tammy Faye Bakker. Reader discretion advised...]

PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY!I normally don’t root for another person to die, nor is it usually my nature to revel in someone having cancer, but I make an exception when it comes to human feces like Tammy Faye Bakker Messner (or whatever her fucking name is now).  She appeared on "Larry King Live" last night for the eleventy-millionth time, this time with the caption "Tammy Faye Gravely Ill".  The interview apparently was TF’s idea and not Larry’s, and if you truly want to see death warmed over, check it out, but be forewarned--she ain't a pretty sight (not that she ever was to begin with).  Looking like an elderly drag queen, TFBM bore a rather eerie resemblance to late ventriloquist Wayland Flowers’ former partner depicted here, and her voice sounded like that of a lifetime two-pack-a-day smoker during this waste of perfectly good CNN airtime.  Leave it to this shameless self-promoter to exploit even her own inevitable demise and seize the opportunity to have one last pity party on Larry’s show for all her adoring fans.  Coincidentally, The Kansas City Star also published a little blurb yesterday about Tammy Faye becoming "Kansas City’s newest resident celebrity", having recently moved to one of our Ritzier southern suburbs.  Do they really think we give a rat’s gonad?!?  It’s all academic anyway—it don’t appear she’ll be a KC resident very long, given that she has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

Pardon me if I don’t shed any tears for this ugly bitch—has everyone besides me forgotten how Tammy Faye became rich and famous in the first place?  She used to shed crocodile tears and beg for money along with her asshat ex-husband Rev. Jim Bakker and bilked millions of dollars out of emotionally crippled and/or simple-minded check-writing viewers of their "P.T.L. (‘Pass The Loot’) Club" show, all the while hiding behind righteousness and The Bible.  Sorry gang, but I have NO respect whatsoever for money-grubbing TV evangelists who lead extravagant lives of luxury, and I’m especially tired of the way the media—Larry King, in particular—fawns over this shallow-as-shit publicity hound and gives her so much face time on TV and in the papers.  Hell, this Messner guy she married is a convicted felon too—these are people I'm supposed to look up to?  And now we’re ‘spose to all feel sorry for Tammy Faye because she’s got the Big C?  Well, what goes around comes around, sweetheart—just do us all a big favor and fucking die already, you worthless mascara-laden lump of shit!

As for Larry "I Have A Face Made For Radio" King, I actually used to like him back when he had his latenight radio show in the late ‘70s.  This was back when talk radio was more free-form and King would just take calls all night about any subject during his "Open Phone America" segments.  One minute, he’d be talking politics, the next he’d talk baseball or movies or something, and it was quite enjoyable.  Anymore though, I’ve lost all respect for King because of the way he slobbers (figuratively) all over his celebrity guests during interviews, especially Tammy Faye.  I nearly hurled when he made the gratuitous remark last night "she’s been so brave in the face of all this…"  Then again, anyone who’s been married and divorced as often as Lawrence Harvey Zeiger has (seven and counting!) with the balls to change his surname to King is probably a total douche, anyway...

SPEAKING OF UGLINESS…
…that’s what this whole Michael Vick thing is going to be for the next few months.  Yes, I know—innocent until proven guilty, and all—but I have to say that he looks pretty darn guilty to me, based on what I’ve read and heard.  He should at least do Atlanta and the NFL a big favor by stepping aside and taking a paid leave of absence until all this gets sorted out because he’s no good to the team at this point.  The players and coaches will constantly have to deal with all the media distractions, and how could he possibly focus on leading the Falcons to a Super Bowl and handle all this legal stuff at the same time?  More power to Vick if he can prove his innocence, but I sure don’t foresee any kind of positive outcome for him in all this.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #40
"Honky Cat"—ELTON JOHN (1972) "Boy, you gotta tend a farm…"  I originally interpreted this as "Boy, you got a telephone..."!

DERF STRIKES AGAIN!
[Click pic to enlarge it]  I swear, this Derf guy channels my mind sometimes!  By the way, a tip for all you potential car thieves out there:  I highly suggest you pay a visit to Raytown, MO sometime and just hang out in front of any convenience store for any length of time—you’re bound to hit paydirt here.  I always lock my car up even to just stop in for beer or whatever, but I constantly see these fools pull up to QuikTrip, et al, and enter the store with their motor still running, windows wide open and stereo blaring.  The damn car might as well have a neon sign attached to it that flashes "MY OWNER'S AN IDIOT—STEAL ME, PLEASE!"  It just astounds me how careless some people are with their vehicles.

ALL ABOARD THE LAST TRAIN TO SOULSVILLE…
A little TV alert for you:  In a piece of perfect timing for me as I nearly finish reading my Stax Records book, PBS will be airing a documentary on Stax as part of the 50th anniversary of the founding of the legendary Memphis soul record company that gave us the likes of Otis Redding, Isaac Hayes, Booker T & The MGs, Sam & Dave, Rufus Thomas, The Dramatics, et al.  The show airs on or around August 1st on PBS as part of their "Great Performances" series, so check your local listings, as they say in T.V. circles…

The Boss Man Cometh

Today was Bruce Springsteen day on my CD player at work.  Have to admit I didn’t much care for "The Boss" at first—I was highly resistant to his stuff in the late ‘70s mostly because the critics went apeshit over him, and at that time I was leery of anyone that Rolling Stone, Creem, et al, went apeshit over.  This was also the period when the Royals played the Yankees in the playoffs every year, and even though Bruce is from Jersey, I pretty much despised anything or anyone even remotely connected to New York City (except for Kiss and "Saturday Night Live"), so I childishly ignored Springsteen for a long time.  I finally made peace with him during the ‘80s and grew to respect him, although I still think he’s a tad overrated ("Streets Of Philadelphia", for instance) at times.

One of these fine days, I’m going to finally sit down and write my book What Were They Smoking When They Wrote That?, and when I do, I plan to devote an entire chapter to "Blinded By The Light"—ol’ Brucie had to be on something when he wrote that song!  As for the rest of his music, I made it a point to "rediscover" his CD catalog about five years ago, and found some pretty good music there.  Overall, I’m more partial to his ‘80s stuff as opposed to his ‘70s albums, apart from the classic Born To Run.  The River is a much better record than I originally gave Bruce credit for, both the Tunnel of Love and Human Touch albums have their moments, and of course Born In The USA is mighty fine.  Judging by the old video footage I’ve seen, Bruce and the E Street Band were something to behold live in concert back in the day and they gave people their money’s worth too, often playing for three hours or more.

My All-Time Bruce Springsteen Top 10:
10) [Tie] "Born In The USA" (1984)/"Pink Cadillac" (1984)  Bruce’s 2nd-best songs with "Born" or "Cadillac" in their title, respectively.
9) "Working On The Highway" (1984)  One of the few off Born In The USA that wasn’t a big hit, but I always liked it.  Nice irony of "The Boss" to always side with the working man, too.
8) "Born To Run" (1975)  Mighty hard to leave this one off the list, being it’s Bruce’s signature song.
7) "War" (1985)  Excellent remake of the 1970 Edwin Starr classic.  Now might be a good time to remake it again…
6) "Rosalita" (Live-1978)  Love the live concert video of this one that they show on VH-1 Classic all the time.  Bruce’s band introductions were almost as entertaining as the song itself.
5) "From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come)" (Dave Edmunds) (1982)  Bruce wrote this one specifically for Dave and never actually recorded it himself, but it counts all the same—great song, too.
4) "Glory Days" (1984)  Love the hook melody during the choruses.  Great song, but lame video.
3) "Cadillac Ranch" (1980)  Car songs never go out of style...
2) "Tunnel Of Love" (1987)  Very ‘80s-sounding, and I love the guitar solo here by Nils Lofgren that Bruce yodels over.
1) "Human Touch" (1992)  Song that had some very special meaning to me during a 1999 weekend trip to Colorado.

A girl named Dusty

Time to salute a lady who has become one of my all-time favorite singers in a relatively short period of time, one Mary Catherine Isabel Bernadette O'Brien, better known to the world as Dusty Springfield.  To some, she is merely an icon of '60s fashion excess, and there's little doubt that Dusty single-handedly kept the folks at Revlon in business via her near-obsessive overuse of eyeliner and mascara (she was pretty enough without all that, IMO), but trust me folks, there's a whole lot more to this girl than just big hair, "Wishin' And Hopin'" and "Son of A Preacher Man".

I've only gotten to know Dusty's body of work—beyond just the big oldies station hits, anyway—within the past five years or so after buying her Rhino Records best-of compilation CD, and I was instantly hooked by her soulful voice and underrated songs.  Much like with Journey, Cheap Trick, The Police, et al, I actually prefer Dusty's "B-stuff" over her "A-stuff", but then again, just about all her stuff is on the A-level anyway.  Dusty Springfield had a very acute ear for superior songs to interpret (or re-interpret), and an innate ability to add her own personal touch to songs that were written for her by others.  She particularly excelled on songs written by Burt Bacharach/Hal David, as well as Carole King/Gerry Goffin, and her 1969 album Dusty In Memphis was critically acclaimed (and for once, the bleedin' critics were right!).

Sadly, Dusty's personal life was very checkered, at best.  Her dysfunctional family upbringing, as well as her sexual confusion/lesbianism, left her with scars that never quite healed, thus leading to a lifetime of self-inflicted torment and abuse (chemical and otherwise), and I don't think she ever fully realized how truly beloved—let alone how truly gifted—she was.  In an even more cruel twist of fate, she succumbed to breast cancer at age 59 in 1999 just days before she was inducted into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame (where fellow über-Dusty fan Sir Elton John did the honors).  There has been talk in recent years of a biopic film on Dusty's life (with Charlize Theron in the lead role and Ang Lee directing), but nothing has materialized as of yet.  Could be very interesting, if given the proper cinematic treatment...

Next up in my alphabetical sojourn thru my CDs is Rick Springfield.  What the fuck's he doing in my collection?!?  Oy vey...

My All-Time Mary Catherine Isabel Bernadette O'Brien Top 10:
10) "Just A Little Lovin'" (1969)  Lead-off track from Dusty In Memphis composed by the legendary Mann-Weil songwriting team.
9) "What Have I Done To Deserve This?" (w/The Pet Shop Boys) (1987)  Song that led to a major resurgence in Dusty's popularity and renewed interest worldwide in her music.
8) "I Close My Eyes And Count To Ten" (1968)  Later covered quite nicely by Blondie and Tracey Ullman in the '80s.
7) "Stay Awhile" (1964)  Convincing enough that Miss Dusty wouldn't have had to twist my arm to hang around after singing this one...
6) "I'll Try Anything" (1967)  Song that never even charted in the US, but should've.  It hit #13 in merry ol' England.
5) "In The Middle Of Nowhere" (1966)  Song chuck-full of sassiness that the likes of Queen Latifah and that talent-less Pink bitch can only dream about...
4) "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" (1966)  Of all her "drama queen" hits, this one may well have been her most drama-queeniest!
3) "I Only Want To Be With You" (1964)  Dusty's first big hit in the States, and it's been covered by a zillion people, including the Bay City Rollers, and my personal favorite, Samantha Fox.  Then again, I think Sam's video might've influenced my opinion...
2) "I Don't Want To Hear It Anymore" (1969)  Dusty's favorite track off Dusty In Memphis, and mine too.  Very atmospheric, and perfect for the time it came out.  Composed by Randy "Short People" Newman, of all songwriters...
1) [Tie] "Goin' Back" (1966)/"Little By Little" (1966)  Why neither of these weren't bigger hits on the U.S. charts is beyond me.  The former is a very touching Goffin-King song about growing older and aging gracefully that was played at Dusty's funeral.  The latter is a sassy piece of attitude that made Aretha Franklin look pretty wimpy by comparison...

Kelly Johnson, 1958-2007

I am very bummed to learn of the passing of Girlschool guitarist Kelly Johnson, who died yesterday of cancer of the spine at age 49.

Girlschool was heavy metal's answer to The Go-Go's back in the early '80s, and these girls—yes, they actually played their own instruments—made contemporary bands like Judas Priest and Van Halen sound like The Archies at times, and had far more balls than Vinnie Vincent of Kiss ever did.  Their collaborations with Uncle Lemmy and Motorhead are also fairly legendary and 1981's Hit And Run is absolutely one of my favorite metal albums of all-fucking-time.

I never actually met Kelly Johnson (second from left in this photo), but I do have her autograph.  Rather ironically, Girlschool made an in-store appearance 25 years ago this week on July 10, 1982 at my favorite record haunt, the long-defunct Village Records in Raytown.  It was a Saturday afternoon, and I had to work that morning at my much-despised bus boy gig at Waid's Restaurant, and got off work at 2:00.  Back then I was a night owl, so going to bed early the night before working day shift was a foreign concept to me, thus as per my usual, all I wanted to do when I got home from work was crash on the sofa in my basement bedroom for a few hours.  Meantime, my good friend Tom was frantically trying to call me from the record shop to alert me of the goings-on there, but I was comatose by that time and didn't hear the phone ringing upstairs, and no one else was home at the time to answer it, thus I majorly missed out on an opportunity at a brush with greatness.  However, each band member was kind enough to sign a copy of Hit And Run for me.  Why on earth we didn't go to their concert that night at Memorial Hall mystifies me to this day.  Girlschool is another band I deeply regret not seeing live in concert back in the day, as I've heard they put on a great show and rocked out just as much as the boys did.

A long-belated "Cheers, you lot" for the autograph, Kelly, and may you rest in peace...

These guys are good...

Man, I wish I had the time, patience and money to do serious Lego-ing like some folks do!

These are not quite to scale, but here be the mighty Ohio Stadium in Columbus...













...and the real McCoy...

...and the Baltimore Ravens' stadium (or whatever it's called this week)...

...and currently under construction, the House that (Baby) Ruth is building...

...and just for shits and hoots, Springfield's leading citizen...

"They Died Old"--Vol. II

COMISKEY PARK
"The very heart of the ballpark, where it's at its weirdest, is down under the stands...The mixture of people, strange places and things, resembles a drive-in flea market taking place at the same time with a world ethnic food festival...Aisleways of all different sizes, some no wider than four fat people walking abreast, force folks to cram together...Pickpockets must have a field day...Junk clutters it...Paper cups, All-Star ballots from God knows what year lie ground into the floor..."

I borrowed the above quotation from one of my all-time favorite books, Dodger Dogs to Fenway Franks by Bob Wood, which chronicled his 1985 trek across America to visit each and every Major League Baseball stadium, and his entry on Chicago's Comiskey Park is one of the best chapters in the book.  From the 1919 "Black Sox" scandal to the 1979 "Disco Demolition", the original Comiskey Park had quite possibly the wackiest history of any ballpark in baseball, wackier than even venerable Ebbets Field in Brooklyn.  Built in 1910 by owner Charles Comiskey, the park was home to some of the craziest shit the grand ol' game has ever witnessed during its 81 seasons of existence.

The "Old Roman", Mr. Comiskey spared no expense on building the stadium, but was a total skin-flint when it came to paying his players, hence the player revolt that led to "Shoeless" Joe Jackson and the boys throwing the 1919 World Series vs. the Reds (chronicled in the fine film Eight Men Out, starring John Cusack and Charlie Sheen).  The White Sox didn't return to the Fall Classic until 40 year later during the "Go-Go Sox" era and lost to the L.A. Dodgers 4 game to 2 in the 1959 World Series, during which outfielder Al Smith received a beer shower (Old Style, I presume).  The park's other big moment in the sun was when it hosted the very first Major League Baseball All-Star Game in 1933.  Also known as White Sox Park during the '60s and '70s, Comiskey Park I at one time featured the heinous combination of an Astroturf infield and grass outfield (visible in the top photo) during the early '70s, and also served as home field to the NFL's Chicago Cardinals until they moved to St. Louis in 1960.

Things got really fun when Bill Veeck (as in "Wreck") bought the team in '59 and installed the park's trademark, the exploding scoreboard, replete with pinwheels and fireworks that went off after each White Sox home run.  Never afraid to try any gimmick, Veeck even employed aliens (legal ones!) on his ground crew.  He sold the team after just two years, then bought it again in 1975 (after they nearly left town), and that's when the insanity truly began...

Veeck would try practically anything to put fannies in the seats, so nothing was too outrageous on the South Side.  Ever the baseball purist, Veeck immediately chucked the Astroturf infield for the 1976 season, and outfitted the team in baggy turn-of-the-century retro uniforms.  He also took the waredrobe alteration a step further by having the Sox wear shorts during selected home games.  Upon seeing the players wearing them for the first time, former K.C. Royals first baseman John Mayberry smirked, "You guys are the sweetest team we've seen yet!"  Veeck didn't stop there—he installed a shower in the center field bleachers where fans could cool off during hot summer afternoons, and you could also get a haircut from a professional barber (for free, I think) in said bleachers.  All the while, you had Hall of Famer Harry Caray singing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" from the broadcast booth during the 7th inning stretch, and his radio partnership with borderline psychotic Jimmy Piersall was the stuff of urban legends.

Veeck's legacy is synonymous with his biggest promotion that backfired—the infamous "Disco Demolition Night" on July 12, 1979.  Chicago DJ Steve Dahl conducted the ceremony between games of a doubleheader between the Sox and Detroit Tigers.  Fans could get in the park for a mere 98 cents (Dahl's FM radio station frequency) if they presented a disco record, which coincidentally made a damn good frisbee, and they were flying like foul balls throughout the first game.  During's Dahl's between-game ceremony, a crate full of disco records was blown to smithereens, thus setting off a full-fledged riot as fans overtook the field and tore the place apart.  The White Sox wound up forfeiting game two of the doubleheader.  Long live Rock, indeed!!


No account of old Comiskey Park would be complete without mentioning the First Lady of Chicago, organist Nancy Faust. This gal can play just about anything—Jazz, Rock, Country, Gospel, Polkas, the Mickey Mouse theme, whatever—Nancy is very beloved on the South Side, and she helped make "Na Na, Hey, Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye)" the penultimate "Turn Out The Lights" song at any sports stadium, and she still plays for the Sox today at U.S. Cellblock—er uh—Cellular Field.

I visited the old park at 35th & Shields twice, first in 1985 and again during the stadium's final season in 1990.  Mr. Wood's account of the unkempt-ness of the park in the opening paragraph above was pretty darn accurate, but I loved it anyway.  It was a taste of a by-gone era for me, and I got a kick out of how quirky this place was.  The picnic area under the left field stands was so aromatic from the burgers being grilled, and I'd never been that close to a left fielder during an actual game before.  I loved the zig-zag ramps that ran behind the exploding scoreboard too, and I remember ashes from the fireworks fallout after a Sox dinger landing on us in the right field stands.  The layout of this stadium was goofy as all get-out too—pillars in the middle of the concourse that seemed to serve no useful purpose, hallways that led to nothing, and I remember this one soda/popcorn stand that was carved into upper deck stands on the first base side in which the poor concessionaires literally could not stand straight up—the Hunchback of Notre Dame woulda loved it!  The old seats at Comiskey were harder than marble too, and I couldn't believe how bad the sightlines were in the seats down the foul lines—you literally had to turn your head at a 45º angle to see home plate!  I'll also never forget the sound a Carlton Fisk batting practice home run made when it struck the metal beam on the front of the left field upper deck stands—it sounded exactly like the climactic gong at the end of the Moody Blues' "Nights In White Satin"!

As twilight set in on Old Comiskey Park, so did senility, and as goofy and crazy and beloved as the place was, it had to be replaced, or its prime tenant would have become the Tampa Bay White Sox in 1989.  Almost too late, the Illinois legislature okayed funds at the 11th hour to build Comiskey Park II right nextdoor.  For reasons that are unclear to this day, the stadium designers opted to aim the new park away from the famous downtown Chicago skyline and instead give Sox fans a lovely view of the ghetto!  From an upper deck seat with a decent pair of binoculars at the rather antiseptic new park (which opened in 1991), one could easily catch a glimpse of Thelma and J.J. from "Good Times" having yet another argument in the Projects across the Dan Ryan Expressway!  The White Sox partially realized the error of their ways a couple years ago and made some very nice cosmetic changes to Comiskey II, including lopping off the top five rows of the veritgo-inducing upper deck and replacing them with an old-school ballpark roof.  They did succumb to corporate gluttony by changing the name to U.S. Cellular Field, but considering that Charles Comiskey was a complete and total dickhead anyway, in this case I'll waive my usual disdain for corporate stadium names.  And great day in the morning—the White Sox won the freakin' World Series in 2005, too!

The old joint had one last moment of grandeur, as a scene from the John Candy/Ally Sheedy film Only The Lonely (as in the classic Roy Orbison tune) was filmed there following the 1990 season, and the exploding scoreboard put on one last show.  Sadly, like a relative dying of old age, old Comiskey Park was slowly demolished in 1991.  It would have been more fitting to just detonate the place (just like those Disco records in 1979), with a climactic barrage of pyro from the scoreboard, which could have literally exploded for the finale.