Shark Jumping 104

Next up on the ol' Hit Parade of the Best of JumpTheShark.com is "America's Funniest Home Videos".  Oh, by the way, if you're a big fan of (or a CLOSE relative of) Bob Saget, then reader discretion IS advised.  Strap yourself in—this is gonna be a lenghty ride…

—Who ever decided that crotch shots, babies with spaghetti in their hair, and whining brats blowing snot bubbles was funny?  I don’t want to see geriatric underwear antics, nose-pickers and kids’ recital bloopers on TV—cake-in-the-face at the wedding reception is a great way to start a marriage—I am not amused.  And tell these cam-happy idiots who submit to this program to clean up their freakin’ houses before they make their stupid videos.  It’s hard to tell the difference between “Cops” and this show—at least the dopers getting’ busted on “Cops” can use their drug abuse as an excuse to live in a pig sty.  No wonder people in foreign countries hate Americans…

—This is a show for people for less brains than scarecrows…Bob Saget—he is the American equivalent of Alan Thicke.

—And why does a “live studio audience” need canned laughter anyway?

—We were all TRYING to laugh when the little girl sang the “I Love My Sister” song for the camera, and then screamed at her sister, when she came on camera.  If it was staged, it was stupid.  If it wasn’t, it was cruel; that spoiled brat is probably buying Barbie Dream Houses with the $10,000 she won.  Rewarding kids and putting them on TV for being mean to other kids is funny in no way whatsoever.

—What’s with their showing close-ups of people laughing?  Is that somehow supposed to enhance the absent humor in most of the videos?

—As for Bob Saget, my dad sums it up best: ten or 15 minutes into the first show, right in the middle of a Saget torture sequence, the “mute” appears on-screen and my dad holds up the remote and says something like, “I don’t know whose idea it was to put a ‘mute’ button on here, but I’d like to kiss the bastard!”

—On my list of “Things to do before I die”:  Find the guy who first told Bob Saget he was funny, and kick his ass…

—Why is it that, in real life, I have NEVER seen anyone lose their skirt or pants while dancing in public; fall off a roof; fall off a stage; get hit in the face with a pie; get bitten by a horse, goose, duck or cow; or smash their camera with a baseball…yet on this show it happened daily?

—Has anyone noticed that all of the interior shots of the “contestants’” houses looked the same?  They all have shag carpeting, faux wood paneling and something in the kitchen in either avocado or gold…If you are going to stage a video with your poor, unsuspecting infant and a full-grown cat, at least run the vacuum first!

—OH! There was this one, and this little snot-nosed kid was supposed to sing “ABCs” and he went up to the mic and SCREAMED A! B! C! D! and he won a crapload of money!  What the hell?  That was not funny!  That made my blood boil…

—Can’t the producers at least find one that doesn’t consist of babies being “cute”, kids screwing up in sports or lame-ass recitals, Daddy’s getting hit in the manhood, buildings falling, old people being senile, and unfunny wedding bloopers…

—The night the winning video was sent in by someone who had set up their camera on a beach to film the sunset.  About 30 seconds (or so) into the bit, along comes Fido, cocks his leg and unleashes a stream onto the camera.  Cripes, for 10-grand, I’da pissed on the camera, full Monty!

—My decision to not date a certain woman was made when she told me THIS was her favorite show!

—It was nice that Daisy (Fuentes) was able to wear fetish gear on a network owned by Disney—the irony was delicious.  I especially liked the times she wore heels so high she could barely get down the stairs at the start of the show.

—The close-ups of the audience—the producers must’ve told these fools the more obnoxious the laugh, the better chance you have of being on TV.

—Bob Saget is a tool.  My eight-month-old daughter has more interesting things to say, and has loaded diapers with more charisma…

—Then I noticed at one point that the laughs from the audience is all canned!  Watch it, you see Bob Saget in the audience making some lame joke, you hear tons of laughs, but hardly anyone is laughing!  Where are the mysterious laughing people?  Obviously, not on camera!

—At the end, the audience, would have a chance to vote for the funniest video of the night, let’s say between A) a guy getting nailed in the kiwis by a line drive (always funny), B) a guy getting bit on the kiwis by a Canadian goose or some damn thing (also funny), or C) a three-year-old kid reciting his ABC’s (awwww…).  So what did the audience ALWAYS give the award to?  You guessed it: the kid!  Funny stuff, huh?

—Bob Saget…plus the fact that at show’s end, he always acknowledged his wife—who, if she watched the show, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if she refused to acknowledge him back!  Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if several times Saget went home to find the locks had been changed!

—Funny things are spontaneous—not fat people stuck in their appliances…

—A line from “The Simpsons”:  “It works on so many levels!  The ball!  The groin!”

—I think it’s terrible how they always give the $10,000 prize to a clip of some brat whining and ruining everyone’s fun, like the whiny girl who didn’t want to hit the pinata at a birthday party.  She spent the whole clip crying and howling, “This is the woooorrrrssst day of my liiiiiiiiiiife!”  How is that funny?  If my daughter acted like that, I would be way too embarrassed to show it on national TV.  Yet AFV awards it!  Nice message to your kids:  bratty behavior is not only acceptable, but gets richly rewarded and lets you appear on TV.  Great…

—The sights of dirty little redneck punks who scream bloody murder when they don’t get what they want.  God, if I ever acted that way, I’d have been smacked, not rewarded with a $10,000 prize.  This is the kind of shit that makes me embarrassed for our country.

—Poor, stupid people doing stupid things and getting injured is always funny…

—Bob Saget scared me on “Full House”, and even more on this show.  Even as a little kid, I thought this guy was a pedophile…

—I don’t consider Bob Saget as being a comedian.  He’s more like the uncle who pulls quarters from behind your ear.  The main thing I couldn’t stand about Bob was how he always laughed at his own jokes…

—AFV is not nearly as grating as it once was with Bob Saget.  I personally thought him to be as funny as Botulism…

—Who the hell is doubled over in laughter, practically falling out of their seat when they see a ten-second clip of a goat licking a baby’s face?!  Why do the producers think that the audience laughing like a bunch of retards looks natural?

—Usually, when a show jumps the shark, it’s a bad idea. In this case, replacing Bob Saget—who is about as entertaining as a face on a Roman coin—was the best thing that could have happened…

—You have to realize that AFHV appealed mostly to people that shared the whole Wal-Mart/urban sprawl/family van-driving/soccer Mom/white-picket fence/nuclear family mentality.  These aren’t people who care about the environment or pursue wordly causes.  These are people who get freaked-out if there are onions on their Big Mac’s…

—When Daisy (Fuentes) and John (Fugelsang) hosted the show, man was that awful!  Daisy wasn’t trying at all, and John was trying too hard!  They had the chemistry of lemon juice and a flesh wound…

—I also doubt that the viewers really decided the winners in each episode.  They were so bad…a blank tape could have ran away with the prize…