Saturday, March 15, 2008

I'm alright, Jack--Keep yer hands offa my stack!

With that in mind, please wish me luck on the Powerball thing tonight.  Being as the #9 has been very prevalent in the news this week, and being as I had exactly nine Yankee dollars in my wallet during my trip to the store last night, I took that as a positive sign, thus I purchased nine lottery tickets.  I have plans for that $275 million, too.  Number 9! Number 9!  Number 9!...

Speaking of #9 in your lineup, a couple more thoughts on the dearly-departed Gov. Spitzer.  First off, when I saw the whore-rific (sorry!) photos of the prostitute that did him (in), my first thought was, "you paid $4,300 for that?!?"  His wife is a helluva lot prettier.  I also love the way Republican readers of the Kansas City Star have been raising a fuss because the paper never once mentioned that Spitzer is a Democrat in the inital articles they ran.  This man is an elected public official who (literally) fucked around and broke the law—what the hell difference does it make what party he's from?  Get over it, already, all you Larry Craig sychophants...

MOTHER NATURE'S COLORS WERE SHOWING... Atlanta last night when severe thunderstorms disrupted the SEC men's bassit-ball tournament at the Georiga Dome, blowing a couple holes in the roof and scaring the shit out of 18,000 people.  They were actually able to resume and complete the game that was interrupted, but the final game of the evening was postponed, thus causing the first "rain-in", as well as the first "twi-night doubleheader" (for Georgia) in college basketball history!

Today's Kansas-Texas A&M game in the Big 12 men's tournament here in K.C. was the final broadcast in the career of Fred White, one of the longtime voices of ESPN's college basketball as well as the Kansas City Royals.  Fred recently announced his retirement, and I'm going to miss him quite a bit.  He teamed up with Hall of Famer Denny Matthews on Royals radio broadcasts in 1974 and was part of the soundtrack of my summers for nearly 25 years, until the team threw him under the bus in 1997 and fired him for no good reason other than to shake things up.  Gee, our team sucks, so let's fire the announcer—brilliant idea!  They replaced him with Ryan Lefebvre (son of former L.A. Dodger Jim Lefebvre), and while Ryan's a nice guy, he's a fairly dull play-by-play man.  The Royals did rehire White a few years ago as their director of broadcasting or some such thing, and he did get to do some fill-in work on broadcasts when Matthews took time off, but I still think he got a raw deal.  Anyway, I'm going to miss his easygoing delivery and Midwestern drawl, like when he pronounces Missouri "Missour-uh" and possession as "po-ZAY-shun".  In a very classy move, they stopped today's game briefly at the Sprint Center to recognize Fred White and honor him—bravo to the Big 12 people, and bravo especially to the man himself—ya done good, Fred!

It was also great that for his final game, White was teamed with former Royal Paul Splittorff, whom I worked with briefly during my stint at KKJC in Blue Springs in 1987.  Splitt got his start in broadcasting at the "Mighty 1030" as a color analyst on high school football and basketball games.  High school sports on local radio and TV is fairly commonplace now, but back then it was almost unheard of, and we were one of the few stations to carry high school sporting events, so I kinda like to think we pioneered it in some ways.  Anyway, Paul's delivery was very tentative and wooden at first, but he got better and more confident as the years went on, and sounds very polished now, and even does play-by-play on Royals telecasts in addition to color.  I can also say that Paul Splittorff is a truly nice man—what you see on TV is pretty much what you get in person.  He's very affable and has a very wry sense of humor—very cool guy.

It appears that the new Scent Printer is a big hit with out-of-town Big 12 fans, as is the adjoining new Power & Light entertainment district.  The entire area has been quite zoo-like the last three days, and I'm tickled to see downtown Kansas City come alive again—it's been long overdue.

Memo to the Big 12:  You might re-think a couple of your corporate sponsors for this conference tournament.  There are only like two Chik-Fil-A restaurants in K.C., and there ain't a Whataburger within at least 200 miles of Kansas City (let alone Nebraska, Colorado or Iowa).  You might wanna recruit sponsors that all Big 12 TV viewers can actually patronize, okey-dokey?

And in a sure sign of the apocalypse, during the Big 12 game last night between Texas A&M and Kansas State, I heard one of the pep bands playing "Shout It Out Loud" by Kiss.  Black Sabbath, Metallica and AC/DC also get the college pep band/marching band treatment from time to time these days.  I never thought I'd live to see the day when college bands would be playing heavy metal songs!

I just had to chortle yesterday when I read that singer Sheryl Crow is joining Fleetwood Mac.  Evidently, Horsey-Face is now the ersatz replacement for Christine McVie.  This is akin to Kid Rock joining the Eagles...

Some baseball fanatics with way too much time on their hands came up with the following funnies:

Alex Rodriguez = Regularized Ox

George Herman Ruth = Rather Huge Monger
San Francisco Giants = Fascinating! No scars!
Los Angeles Dodgers = All Negro Goddesses
San Diego Padres = Ignored Sad Apes
Derek Jeter = Jerked Tree
The Cincinnati Reds = Indecent Christian
Andy Pettite = Tainted Type (can that one be any more ironic?!?)

Milton Bradley = Notably Milder (ditto)
Tony LaRussa = Sour Analyst
Gary Sheffield = Large Fed Fishy
Hideki Okajima = Hi, I am a joke, kid
Chase Utley = Eyelash Cut

Pedro Martinez = Note: Prized Arm!
Carlos Pena = Anal Corpse
Fantasy Baseball = A Baseball Fan Sty
Tom Seaver = Arm Vetoes

Oscar Charleston = Anal Crotch Sores
Roy Oswalt = Wooly Rats
Kansas City Royals = Ink Ya Salary Costs!
Tom Glavine = Angel Vomit
Greg Maddux = Max-Drugged
Bruce Sutter = Cubs utterer; Butt rescuer
Jose Offerman = Major Offense
Al Kaline = Alkaline
Cal Ripken = Lean Prick; Pain Clerk

Travis Lee = Versatile
Stan Musial = Lust Is A Man
Chris Capuano = A Crap Cushion
Lou Piniella = I, Paul O'Neill
Dustin Pedroia = Super Addition
Dmitri Young = Dim Orgy Unit

Magglio Ordonez = Glamorized Goon

And one non-baseball item: Jennifer Aniston = Fine in torn jeans

Yours truly, Brian Holland = Land Ho, Brain L!

No comments: