Cinco de Mayo

There ain't no holdin' the Mayo going on today!  Well, except maybe at Ted Nugent's house...

JUST HORSING AROUND
It's the first Saturday in May, thus it's Kentucky Derby day.  Great tradition, great spectacle and all, but ain't it just a tad warped that NBC does an hour-and-a-half pre-game show for something that barely lasts two minutes?  They had commercial breaks longer than the race was.  Churchill Downs certainly looks so elegant in all its equine splendor on TV, but most people would be as surprised as I was about where it's located.  I always pictured the track to be situated outside of the city somewhere in a country club-like setting, so imagine my shock during a recent trip to Lou-Ville when I found the place bordering a fairly seedy urban neighborhood.  To my Kansas City friends, picture the Leeds District and you'll get the idea.

As for the race itself, my pick to win, Stormello (based solely on his cool name) was actually in 4th place rounding the third turn then faded away like Ricky Martin's career.  A horse named Street Sense won the race, and his jockey was crying like Nancy Kerrigan when it was over.  Sorry, dude--there's no crying in horse racing!!  Meantime, I think they need to spice up horse racing a little to raise interest in the sport.  Apart from the obvious idea of topless female jockeys, there are other things they could try to make it a little more fun.  I say we make it a joint effort between horse and jockey—as soon as they cross the finish line, the jockeys should dismount and then run a full lap themselves...

WHATEVER!
The current Al-Quida second banana—Mukka-Lukka Al-So-and-So—is said to be mocking the Iraq war pull-out bill that was laid before Congress this week.  So?!?  Why the hell is this even newsworthy?  These towel-headed Allah-loving bastards are going to mock anything the U.S. does anyway, so why does the news media bother to even give these douche-bags the publicity they're looking for?  I say fuck them and the camels they rode in on...

KNOW WHEN TO SAY WHEN
I suspected this all along, but was hoping all the same that the cause of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock's death this week was not alcohol-related, yet it indeed was.  Moreover, it was also marijuana-related and cell phone-related.  Okay, we ALL do dumb things, and I do my fair share of imbibing, to be sure, but I do so responsibly and I do NOT get behind the wheel when I know I'm too fucked-up to drive.  So, at the risk of sounding hypocritical and/or cold-hearted, I just have one word to say about the dearly departed:  DUMBASS.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #29
"Travelin’ Man/Beautiful Loser"—BOB SEGER & THE SILVER BULLET BAND (1975) "A perfect lodger/a perfect guest."  Dopey me—I thought he said "A perfect logic/a perfect guess."  I don’t suppose Mr. Spock would have been too impressed with my logic there…

IF YOU EVER GET TOTALLY BORED...
...and want to have a little harmless fun, try watching a baseball game on TV sometime in front of a mirror.  You lose all orientation when the batter appears to start heading to third base after he hits the ball!  My guess is it's probably not unlike driving a car on the "wrong side" of the road in England for the first time.  It's even more fun during a game broadcast from Fenway Park in Boston with the Green Monster on the wrong side.  Yes—I know I need to get a life...

A TALE OF IN-DUH-VIDUALISM
I submitted the following the almighty Dilbert newsletter, but it has yet to be published:  A few years back at a previous employer, they had just installed a new phone system throughout the building, but encountered some problems early on, so our manager sent out a memo to everyone.  "If you have any problems making calls or if your phone doesn't work, please contact me at Extension A or Jackie at Extension B."  Dumb question, but if my phone doesn't work, how am I gonna contact anyone at Ext. A or B?!?  The appropriate question in this case wasn't "Who you gonna call?" but "How you gonna call?"

D'OH!
My beloved New Jersey Devils went down to defeat in the Stanley Cup Playoffs tonight at the hands of the Ottawa Senators, losing 3-2 in Game 5 of the best-of-seven series.  My devotion to the Devils was borne in part because the franchise began life as the Kansas City Scouts in 1974, then moved to Denver and became the Colorado Rockies (not to be confused with the current baseball squad of the same name) in '76, eventually settling in with Jimmy Hoffa in the swamps of Joysey 25 years ago in '82.  However, what really drew me to this team was how crappy they were for so long (not even making the playoffs until the early '90s) and how I love to root for an underdog, so I've been on their bandwagon from almost the get-go.  Three Stanley Cups in the last 12 years ain't nothing to sneeze at, either.  How many Stanley Cups have the overpaid New York Strangers snagged in the last 12 years, hmmm?  I also love the Devils because they have the coolest uniforms in the NHL as well as how their name pisses off overly-conservative über-Christians everywhere, plus Martin Brodeur is the baddest goaltender in hockey—a sure-shot Hall of Famer.  Better luck next year, gentlemen...

#200!

Wow, almost five months to the day after I started this little venture, and I’ve already reached the Mendoza Line for number of posts.  Maybe I should switch from "Sir Rant-A-Lot" to "Sir Post-A-Lot"…

BIG PAIN IN THE BUTTOCKS
I had a mini-catastrophe last night here at the ol’ homestead when I went to plug in my submersible pump in my crawl space and slipped on the wet wooden steps and landed right smack on my kiester!  I didn’t break anything on my body, but my ass managed to break off the front edge of the step.  Not sure whether or not I should be proud that my ass can break wood or not—it breaks enough wind as it is.  I’m actually fortunate I landed where I did instead of on the cinder blocks at the top of the steps, too—I might be in the hospital now.  As it was, I wound up with some abrasions on my left hand, a bruise at the base of my right thumb (inflicted by my flashlight), a wounded ego and a slightly dislocated left rump, plus I’m sore all over today from the impact.  In sports parlance, I’d be listed as "day-to-day" on the injury report.  Then again, aren’t we all day-to-day?

R.I.P. TOMMY NEWSOM
Former "Tonight Show" musician and substitute bandleader Tommy Newsom died earlier this week at age 78.  Tommy would fill in for Doc Severinsen as bandleader from time to time, and was often the butt of Johnny Carson’s jokes about his "wild" lifestyle.  He was always the penultimate straight man and a good sport about it, too.  R.I.P., "Mr. Excitement"…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #28
"She’s A Lady"—TOM JONES (1971) "She’s got style, she’s got grace—she’s a winner."  Not so, according to my seven-year-old ears—the woman was a "weiner"!

A BOOT TO THE HEAD...
...to the lady in front of me in the Express Lane at the grocery store tonight who bought $14 worth of stuff and paid for it with a $100 bill.  The checkout girl didn't even have enough twenties to make change for her.  Thanks for making everybody wait, lady!  And please tell me why is it grocery stores allow check-writing in the Express Lane?  Kinda defeats the whole purpose of having the blasted thing in the first place, don't it?

SAME AS IT EVER WAS…
Well, there have been a few important news stories the last couple weeks, like the Pat Tillman/Jessica Lynch testimony before Congress, the Virginia Tech massacre and the whole Atty. Gen. Gonzales flap, but in TV News Land, they're long forgotten already.  "Why is this?" I asked myself.  Then a quick scan of the channels last night reminded me—it's May Sweeps time.  George Carlin was absolutely right about America:  "It’s a great country, but it’s a strange culture."  TV news producers will have you believe that people want to see the same old crap every night that generates big ratings rather than important news stories. 

Behold the following that I observed on the tube last night:  There was Anna Nicole Smith’s mother blubbering away on MSNBC, and on CNN Headline they were already back on the Don Imus thing (he’s now suing CBS for his 40 bajillion-dollar salary) because Al Sharpton was on there grandstanding again.  And the Larry King lovefest continued on regular CNN as they celebrate his 50 years in broadcasting—never mind the fact that no one knew who the hell he was for the first 20. Man, if there was ever someone for whom the phrase "a face made for radio" applies, it’s him.  And over on "Calamity & Holmes" on Faux News Channel, guests Ann Coulter and Ted Nugent were busy labeling those of us who want to see the war in Iraq end ASAP as being unsupportive of our troops.  Fuck, I want them home and out of harm’s way NOW—if that ain’t being supportive of them, then what the hell is?

I have a question for all you conservatives out there:  How come it's NOT okay for singers like Bruce Springsteen and the Dixie Chicks and all those "Hollywood types" to express their political opinions against the Bush Administration and the war in Iraq because they are merely entertainers who should just keep their big yaps shut, yet singers like Ted Nugent, Charlie Daniels and Toby Keith, as well as a "Hollywood type" like Charlton Heston are your "go to" guys to be cheerleaders for the Republican party?  I don't see much difference—aren't those guys entertainers who should just keep their big yaps shut, too?  All I hear from these people, as well as the likes of Hannity, O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Buchanan, Robertson, Will, Coulter, Malkin, Krauthammer, Murdoch, McCain, et al, is a lot of hackneyed posturing and over-reliance on the same old shop-worn Bush Administration semantics about patriotism and supporting the troops.  Mission accomplished, my ass...

I made one other little observation last night:  I think the rumors might be true after all—Ann Coulter is a transsexual!  I swear, that woman has an Adam's apple as big as Dallas in the middle of Texas!  Don't believe me?  Watch the video from last night, if you dare, but be forewarned—you may be hit by flying bull!

ONE FINAL RANT
Here's a little nugget from that ol' gas bag Rush Limbaugh from a couple weeks back:  "If this Virginia Tech shooter had an ideology, what do you think it was?  This guy had to be a liberal."  Where the fuck did that come from?  What the hell kind of logic is this?  Give me a fucking break already.  Why does everything with conservatives have to be one way or the other, be it black/white, liberal/conservative, right/wrong, red/blue, etc.?  In case you missed it, Rush, ol' buddy, ol pal, this Cho son-of-a-bitch was a fucking psychotic, numb-nuts!  It makes no difference to me whether Rush was dead serious or joking here—this kind of shit is far more reprehensible than anything Don Imus ever uttered, yet Limbaugh remains on the air?  I've said it before, I'll say it again:  Rush Limbaugh is a walking talking bowel movement...

What's wrong with this picture?

Personally, I like my steals medium-rare!

Journey To The Center Of--Journey?!?

Today was Journey Appreciation Day, as I tracked through all of my Journey CDs at work.  Truth to tell, I have learned a new appreciation for these guys in recent years, given the dearth of decent new music over the last decade or so, and in spite of Journey being one of FM Classic Rock radio’s "go to" or "safe" bands (not unlike Boston, Foreigner and Styx) whose stuff gets disproportionately played to death.  With all these crappy bands that pass for Rock ‘N’ Roll today who can’t even carry a tune with a handle (what the fuck is a Hoobastank?!?), it’s refreshing to listen to musicians who actually have some talent and a sense of melody, even if the majority of their stuff is a tad lightweight.

I'm an oddball fan of Journey in that I much prefer their "B-stuff" (i.e. deep album cuts) over the "A-stuff" that gets routinely run into the ground on the radio.  In other words, I don't need to hear "Open Arms" or "Don't Stop Believin'" again anytime soon.  I’m especially partial to songs from the Gregg Rolie era like "Walks Like A Lady", "Where Were You?", "People And Places" and "Line of Fire", as well as some of their later stuff with Jonathan Cain on keyboards like "Chain Reaction", "Keep On Runnin’", "Rubicon", "Lay It Down", and the very underrated "Only The Young."  Another cool thing I like about Journey is how as part of the dedications and credits on their album sleeves, they would acknowledge people from other bands who had recently passed on, like the members of Lynyrd Skynyrd and Bon Scott of AC/DC.  Very classy on their part, and I’ve always respected them for that.

Speaking of Gregg Rolie, I’m reminded of a funny incident that happened on the radio involving him, circa. 1979 or ‘80.  The old KY-102 was doing a live on-air phone interview with Rolie, who was in Chicago at a pre-concert sound check with music blaring in the background, and he proceeded to exclaim, "Man, I can’t hear SHIT on this phone!", evidently unaware that he was actually on the radio!

And say what you will about Journey being "corporate" Rock ‘N’ Roll, but they are ALL fine musicians, particularly Neal Schon on guitar—the boy definitely knows his way around a fretboard.  Their erstwhile lead singer Steve Perry has an incredible voice too, and was certainly a great frontman—but is also about as flaky as a Pillsbury pie crust!  I’m still trying to make sense out of the statement he made on VH-1 Classic’s "Behind The Music": "I never really felt like I was part of the band…"  Huh?  And Al Davis never really owned the Oakland Raiders, right?  This is the same guy who was behind the firing of the rhythm section—bassist Ross Valory and drummer Steve Smith—in 1986 for no particular reason (Valory was replaced by Randy Jackson of "American Idol" fame), yet he didn’t feel like part of the band?!?  Hell, he was the freakin’ focal point of it!  No wonder his girlfriend Sherrie (AKA "Oh, Sherrie") dumped him.  Just as well she didn’t marry him anyway—she would've had to go through life known as Sherrie Perry.  Meanwhile, Journey somehow managed to replace Perry with an almost exact replica, one Steve Augeri, who sounds and almost looks just like him ("Steve Perry with a perm", someone quipped), so all is fairly well in Journey World as they tour the nostalgia circuit.

My Journey Top Five:
1) Where Were You? (1980)
2) Rubicon (1983)
3) Line of Fire (1979)
4) Lay It Down (1981)
5) [tie] Only The Young (1984)
People and Places (1980)

Happy Happy Hump Day!

It's Hump Day in more ways than one, too! Not only is it Wednesday, but it’s also Englebert Humperdinck’s birthday. Ol’ What’s-his-dinck? turned 71 today…

NOT-SO-DEARLY DEPARTED
After it spent nearly a month on my coffee table, I finally got around to viewing my Netflix DVD rental of The Departed last night, and I’d like to report that I really enjoyed it.  I say I’d like to report that, but truth be told, I was majorly disappointed with this film, which was so highly-regarded by so many people.  I can see now that Martin Scorsese winning the Best Director Oscar this year had more to do with his reputation and less to do with the merits of The Departed—i.e., the win was merely a "make good" for his previous Oscar snubs.

WARNING:  Spoilers contained herein—reader discretion advised if you haven’t seen the film and plan to!

If you like violent and gory shoot-‘em-ups where everybody dies and nobody wins, then you’ll love this one, but I’ve grown really weary of this genre of films—I’ve seen all this before already!  Departed is basically The Godfather set in 2006 in Boston, with lots of guns, lots of blood, lots of brains blown out, lots of use of the term "guineas", and major over-use of the words fuck, fucking and motherfucker.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not offended at all by those words (I use them often myself) but do they have to be every other word in the fucking—oops—freakin’ dialogue?!?  Come on Hollywood, surely you can come up with more creative lines than this, even for mafia thugs and over-zealous arrogant cops!

Anyway, very few Hollywood film clichés went unused in The Departed—you had the whole gamut of mafia histrionics, the whole good-cop/bad-cop dynamic, the obligatory (yet totally unnecessary) sex/fuck scene, drugs, dirty money, blah blah blah—been there, done that.  This is one of those films that I couldn’t find any empathy for any of the characters (i.e., there was no good guy to root for), so maybe it’s just as well that they all bumped each other off after all.  About the only thing I found even mildly refreshing and new was Martin Sheen being dropped from the top of a building and going splat on the pavement—it would’ve been even better if it was Alec Baldwin instead!  Beyond that, there wasn’t anything special to me about this flick, and it certainly didn’t rate any Oscars in my book, apart from a pretty decent music soundtrack.  Dare I use my favorite term again?  OVERRATED!!!

OOPS! SHE SCREWED YOU AGAIN…
Some first-class suckers paid up to 125 Yankee dollars just to see a 15-minute Britney Spears concert last night.  Fifteen minutes?!?  My gawd—how did she ever manage to find the time between all her rehab stints and pub crawls?  Even Forrest Gump wouldn’t have been dumb enough to pay a friggin’ dime to see this travesty, during which she probably didn’t even actually sing one bloody note, anyway—she most likely lip-synched the whole damn thing!  Britney Spears is one of those unique people in the entertainment business whose initials also pretty much sum up her career.  There was actually a fleetingly brief time there when I actually felt kinda sorry for Brit, thinking that she truly needed professional help and all, but it’s all-too-apparent that she’s just another insatiable attention-seeker and publicity hound who will keep the tabloids in business for years to come.  Go away, Britney—your career is toast…

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #27
"Bennie And The Jets"—ELTON JOHN (1973) "She’s got electric boots/A mohair suit…" Had to hop aboard the ol’ Way-Back Machine for this one, courtesy of a long-forgotten 4th grade classmate of mine who swore up and down that Elton was singing "She’s got electric boobs."  I actually had to show him my album jacket with the lyrics in it to prove da boy wrong.  However, the concept of electric boobs has a certain appeal, doesn't it?  Maybe those enterprising Guinness guys on the TV commercials can come up with something for us in their laboratory—BRILLIANT!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THOSE IVY LEAGUE BRAINS!
An academic study of NBA officiating based on 13 years' worth of box scores uncovered this earth-shattering revelation:  white referees called fouls at a greater rate against black players than against white players!  Well, duh!  The refs don't have much of a choice, being as nearly 3/4 of NBA players are black!  Shockingly enough, this study was NOT conducted by the University of Hee-Haw, but rather by a University of Pennsylvania assistant professor and a Cornell graduate student.  Methinks these guys have WAY too much time on their hands if they have to go out of their way like this to find racism.

WHOLE LOTTA ROSIE—STILL?
Okay, the conservatives got what they wanted—Rosie O’Donnell is leaving "The View".  So, why are Bill O’Reilly and the three dimwits on Faux News Channel’s morning show, et al, still flapping their jaws about her?  Ding, dong—the witch is gone!  Let it go, and please move on to something else, already…

Speaking of Bill O’Rile-Up, I saw conservative airhead Michelle Malkin filling in for him the other night on "O’Reilly Factor" while he was off sexually harassing female co-workers again.  I’ll say one thing for Ms. Malkin—she’s a major idiot, but she may well be the cutest major idiot I’ve ever seen…

WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF FAUX NEWS...
A memo to all morning TV news show producers:  PLEASE 86 those damn windows behind your sets that allow all these yahoos on the streets of New York to wave vociferously at us during your morning programs!  This is yet another annoying "innovation" which MTV instigated (for all those viewers with the attention span of a tse-tse fly) that has crept into TV news that needs to go away, not unlike that constantly-moving hand-held camera shtick that TV news tried for a while, too.  It’s distracting as hell trying to watch someone deliver the news or conduct an interview while some jagoff is behind them on a cell phone waving like a Kansas wheat field during a tornado and screaming, "I’m on TV! I’m on TV!"  The only useful purpose these windows might have would be if a concerned viewer does as George Carlin once suggested and lip-synchs, "I hope all you fucking lip-readers are looking in!"

IT’S WHAT’S UP-FRONT THAT COUNTS
One of my all-time favorite jokes—Q:  What’s the difference between the Lawrence Welk Orchestra and a moose?









A:  Well for one thing, a moose has its horns in the front and its asshole in the rear!

The Greatest Album of All-Time

I’m now up to that "Cat named Hercules", Sir Elton John, in my current alphabetical CD trek, and just finished listening to his masterpiece Goodbye Yellow Brick Road for like the eleventy-thousandth time in the last 33.5 years, and it remains my favorite album of all-time on earth in this hemisphere and has been virtually since the day it came out in October, 1973.  It’s a little bit funny (pun intended) that Elton actually thought he had a piece of crap on his hands when he left the studio after recording it, but he needn’t have worried—GYBR is just an awesome record from start-to-finish that I will never get tired of hearing.

What makes it all the more impressive is that Yellow Brick Road was a double-album which maintained its high quality throughout.  For you youngsters out there who’ve grown up on new albums that routinely feature over an hour’s worth of music, most records that came out during the ‘70s averaged 35-40 minutes of music, and it was rare for an artist to release a double-LP set unless it was a live album or a concept record like The Who’s Tommy and Quadrophenia or Pink Floyd’s The Wall.  And when someone did put out a non-live, non-concept double-LP of all-new material, you often wound up with a lot of sub-par filler stuff and "throw-away" tracks, like on The Beatles’ White Album, Jimi Hendrix’ Electric Ladyland and the Stones' Exile On Main Street, as well as Elton’s own 1976 release, Blue Moves.  If you took those same double-albums and gleaned the best songs off them, you'd have really solid single LPs instead of the patchy collections of songs that we’ve come to know.  This wasn’t the case on Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, however, where even the throw-aways (or "B-stuff") were top-notch!

What I really love about this album is that it has a little bit of everything that I like in music—some good headphone stuff ("Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding"), some edgy guitar-driven Rock ‘N’ Roll ("Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting", "All The Young Girls Love Alice"), a little drama ("The Ballad of Danny Bailey", "Candle In The Wind"), a little humor ("Dirty Little Girl", "Social Disease") and a little goofiness ("Your Sister Can’t Twist" (But She Can Rock ‘N’ Roll)").  Then you throw in Bernie Taupin’s outstanding lyrics, some first-class musicianship, a killer album jacket and cover, and you’ve got the greatest Rock ‘N’ Roll album ever made, in my opinion.

As for that first-class musicianship, I want to praise Elton’s longtime band, which I don’t think gets near enough credit for their body of work. Guitarist Davey Johnstone, bassist Dee Murray and drummer Nigel Olsson played on Elton’s records from 1971 to 1975 (with the addition of multi-tasking percussionist Ray Cooper in 1974), and they were an excellent musical unit during that time.  Johnstone in particular is vastly underrated, and is one of my all-time favorite guitar players. I’ve often wondered what the hell Elton was thinking when he broke this band up in 1975 after "Philadelphia Freedom" (which ironically was the one and only time they were credited on record as "The Elton John Band"), and only Johnstone and Cooper remained when EJ brought a phalanx of other musicians aboard for Rock Of The Westies and beyond.  It’s no accident that Elton’s resurgence in popularity in early ‘80s coincided with Murray and Olsson’s return to the fold, not mention how one of the greatest concerts I’ve ever seen featured this classic lineup (minus Cooper) when Elton and the boys played Starlight Theater in K.C. on June 6, 1982.  Both Davey and Nigel still record and tour with Elton today, but sadly, Dee Murray died of skin cancer in 1992.  I would also be remiss in not mentioning the late Gus Dudgeon, the producer of Yellow Brick Road, as well as most of Elton’s ‘70s output—ain’t no doubt this man knew his way around the ol’ control board.

And now, my personal track-by-track review of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road:
1) "Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding"—Excellent lead-off hitter for both an album and a concert, as the song starts off mournfully and builds to a crescendo.  Davey Johnstone really shines on this 11-minute opus too.
2) "Candle In The Wind"—This, boys and girls, is THE definitive version of this song.  I never much cared for the live ’87 hit single version when Elton’s voice was shot to hell prior to his throat surgery, and the re-worked version for Princess Di’s funeral speaks for itself, but this is the way the song should be played, with the beautiful melodic guitar signature and dramatic backing vocals.  Classic line from B. Taupin here, too:  "from the young man in the 22nd row who sees you as something more than sexual—more than just our Marilyn Monroe."
3) "Bennie And The Jets"—Greatest fictitious Rock band this side of Josie & The Pussycats!  I was a real sucker when I was 9-10 years old, thinking this track was actually recorded live in concert.  This is always a high point in Elton’s live act too.  A classic it is, says Master Yoda…
4) "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"—I grew up on AM radio in the early/mid-‘70s, and this song was all over it in the fall of ’73, along with The Carpenters and Tony Orlando & Dawn (now Dusk?).  I always wondered why Dorothy and Toto were never mentioned…
5) "This Song Has No Title"—This track would fall under the "throwaway" category, but it’s actually not a bad little tune at all.  It wouldn’t surprise me if Elton digs this one out and plays it live in concert now and then, as he's been known to do with many of his "B-tunes", like "Ticking", "Teacher, I Need You" and "Where To Now, St. Peter?".
6) "Grey Seal"—I don’t have a clue what the lyrics mean—it’s called "Grey Seal", yet it’s all about a bird—but it’s a great track anyway.  This was actually the second time Elton recorded this song.  A much more tepid 1970 version appears on Elton’s box set, but this one rocks out with the best of E.J.’s stuff.  Nice to hear it getting regular airplay on Classic Rock stations today.
7) "Jamaica Jerk-Off"—No, it’s not about that!  For Masturbation 101 tunes, I refer you guys to The Who's "Pictures Of Lily" and you girls to Divinyls' "I Touch Myself".  Bernie Taupin initially wanted to call this "The Jamaica Jerk" or "The Jamaica Twist"—as in a new dance move—but settled on "Jerk-Off" for whatever reason.  It's a goofy little song, as Elton takes a stab at being Bob Marley for a day.  Probably the weakest song on the album, but far from being totally wretched.
8) "I’ve Seen That Movie Too"—This song didn’t do much for me early on, but it’s really grown on me over the years, especially now that I get the gist of the lyrics as an adult in terms of all the head games one must play in relationships and friendships and such.  Great guitar solo from Johnstone here too, augmented by the excellent orchestral arrangement by Del Newman that was also a trademark of many of Elton’s early songs, like "Levon" and "Your Song", et al.
9) "Sweet Painted Ladies"—Greatest Rock song ever about prostitutes this side of Kiss’ "Black Diamond" and "Big City Girls" by April Wine.  Gotta love the line, "Opportunity awaits me like a rat in a drain…"
10) "The Ballad of Danny Bailey (1909-34)"—When I was about ten or so, I actually tried to look up young Mr. Bailey in the encyclopedia, not realizing until years later that D.B. was a fictional character created by Mr. Taupin.  Very dramatic song, great vocals from Elton, and once again the orchestral accompaniment really colors in the song.  One of my favorite tracks off GYBR.
11) "Dirty Little Girl"—I believe the term we use today for girls like this is "White Trash ho", but in the post-Imus era, we have to re-think it, I suppose.  "Someone grab that bitch by the ears!" didn't even cause a stir in 1973, but if it came out today, they’d probably have Elton and Bernie up before the committee for not being P.C. enough.  Very funny song, though...
12) "All The Young Girls Love Alice"—Far and away the greatest song in Rock history with the word "dykes" in it.  Also my first musical introduction to homosexuality, although I didn’t know it at the time, nor did I care—I just thought it was a cool fucking song.  Great guitar riff from Davey, too.
13) "Your Sister Can’t Twist (But She Can Rock ‘N’ Roll)"—This used to be my favorite song on the album in my younger days, plus it had the word "shit" in the lyrics (which always scored points with me when I was a kid), but it hasn’t aged well over time with me, for some reason.  I still like it a lot, though, especially Elton’s Farfisa organ solo.
14) "Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting"—Yes, it gets played to death on the radio now, but I’ll never tire of hearing it—one of my Top 10 songs of all-time.  Don’t give me none of yer aggravation, either!
15) "Roy Rogers"—Yet another song reflecting Bernie Taupin’s fascination with the Old West.  Not one of my big faves from the album, but not a bad song, either.  Yippie-ki-yay!
16) "Social Disease"—Another tune that most likely wouldn’t have made the cut if this was a single LP, but it’s rather humorous, and it gave Johnstone a chance to do a little pickin’ on the banjo.
17) "Harmony"—If there’s one criticism I have of GYBR, it’s that it doesn’t have that definitive climactic closing track a la The Who’s "Won’t Get Fooled Again" or "Who Are You?". "Harmony" is a great song, but it seems out of place at the end of the album. "Saturday" or "Alice" or even "Danny Bailey" might have served as a better closer.  Better to go out with a bang, not a whimper, I say.  Come to think of it, on the 8-track version, "Saturday" was indeed the final track.

Predictably, Elton John has never even come close to topping Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.  He’s put out some great stuff from time to time since then, but this was his Sgt. Pepper and Abbey Road all rolled into one.  If I was only allowed to keep one CD from my entire collection for eternity, the choice would be a no-brainer.  Just an incredibly awesome record…

A few funnies, Part Deux

Come on in, the water's fine...













I'm reminded of that Talking Heads song: "We're on the road to nowhere..."











Man, they are getting desperate for help...


















Quite possibly the greatest improvement to an existing product ever!













The epitome of "chutzpah". I once saw a guy in Las Vegas do something very similar with a sign that read "Why lie? I want a beer!", and I almost bought him one. Almost...







Where it all began...

A few funnies...

This message would make my day! (Click on the pic if you have trouble reading it.)











Geez, make the punishment fit the crime, will ya?












Alright, which one of you motherfuckers is Tiger Woods?!?















Truth in advertising? Naw, couldn't be...










And while we're on the subject of gas...


















Free KY jelly provided!

May Day Eve

Is it almost May already? Doesn't seem possible...

NOT AGAIN
Man, what a shame about St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock's untimely passing over the weekend.  I didn't know all that much about him, really, but apparently he was well thought-of in the clubhouse, and his loss will be deeply felt by the team.  And good gracious—what are the odds of something like this happening to the same franchise during the season within a five-year span?  The Cards were already mourning the death of legendary announcer Jack Buck when they lost pitcher Darryl Kile in late June, 2002—eerily enough while also playing the Cubs—and now lightning strikes them again.  Sad, very sad...

A REAL DO-IT-YOURSELFER...
On a happier baseball note, congrats to Colorado Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitski for pulling off the 13th unassisted triple play in Major League history yesterday against the Braves in roughly the same amount of time it takes to type his last name!  What's funny is a co-worker and I were just discussing that rare baseball phenomenon the other day.  I remember seeing Oakland's Randy Velarde do it against the Yankees a few years back on a Fox-TV broadcast, and it happened so quickly that I didn't even realize what he'd just done.  This is what sets baseball apart from all other sports—the little oddities and rare occurences that happen along the way.

WHAT'S WRNG WITH THIS PICTURE?
Behold the giveaway bobbleheads of Kansas City Royals pheenom third baseman Alex Gordn courtesy of the AAA Omaha Royals—a team Gordn has yet to play an inning for.  Young master Al went straight from AA Wichita to the big-league club this year, but that ain't stopping the folks in Nebraska from giving these misspelled figurines away.  I hear next week they're doing a tribute to NASCAR hero Jeff Gordn too, with singer Gordn Lightfoot doing the national anthem...

A BOOT TO THE HEAD…
…to the yokel who called in to 99.7 KY during the lunchtime all-request hour today asking to hear AC/DC’s "You Shook Me All Night Long"—as if KY hardly ever plays that song!  I love AC/DC to death, but the whole idea behind the request hour is to get the radio station to play something different, and I’m just about sick of hearing that song (and "Highway To Hell" too) on the radio.  I was far more impressed with a prior caller's creativitiy in requesting Steve Walsh's "Every Step of The Way"...

While I’m on the subject, why is it whenever someone calls to make a request, the DJs have to interrogate the caller with a litany of questions?  "Where do you live?...Where do you work?...What are you doing today?...What’s your dog’s name?," et al.  Jeez, Louise—I don’t need to hear the listener’s life story, just play the bloody song they asked for and shut up, already!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #26
"Uptown Girl"—BILLY JOEL (1984) "She’s getting tired of her high-class toys/And all her presents from her uptown boys/She’s got a choice."  I always thought that last line was "She’s got her toys", as in those toys.  You know, her Genital Electric line of products!  Yes, I know, I'm a filthy guy...

THEY'LL BE SORRY...
The New England Patriots traded for wide receiver Randy Moss yesterday.  Just remember, you P-Men, when you marry the stripper, you get all her baggage too.  As Fred Sanford used to say, "I give it two weeks..."

"It ain't the end of the world..."

..."it's just the Wreck Of The Barbie Ferrari."

My little self-imposed alphabetical-by-artist sojourn through my CD collection that began in late January is now well into the H’s, and I’m up to my man John Hiatt, one of the dandiest songwriters you’ll ever hear.  "Beyond soulful", as his one-time cohort Nick Lowe once deemed him, Hiatt is one of the most underrated people in the music biz.  Let me put it this way: anyone with the balls to incorporate amoebas and porcupines into the same song ("Thing Called Love") and make it work is a better man than I am...

Big John’s first taste of success was way back in the nether year of 1974 when Three Dog Night had a minor hit with his composition "Sure As I’m Sittin’ Here".  He bounced around for a while in the late ‘70s and early ‘80s trying to find his niche (with varying degrees of success) and began to hit his stride musically in the mid-to-late ‘80s, ironically while his personal life was falling apart.  John’s long battle with alcoholism, coupled with his first wife’s suicide in 1985, might well have done him in, but he sobered up and emerged with the most creative period of his career, which lasted through the mid-’90s.  Lowe co-produced John’s 1983 LP Riding With The King, and the two reconvened for 1987’s Bring The Family, which was a turning point for Hiatt in his career.  That album featured the lineup that would later become the short-lived supergroup Little Village, with Lowe on bass, Ry Cooder on guitar and Jim Keltner, the greatest session drummer in Rock history this side of the legendary Hal Blaine.

John’s signature song "Thing Called Love" appeared on BTF, and was later successfully covered by Bonnie Raitt, royalties from which would subsequently "keep fresh tires on the tour bus," as Hiatt would quip onstage, as did the Jeff Healey Band’s version of "Angel Eyes".  BTF also featured the nostalgic "Your Dad Did", plus another signature track, "Memphis In The Meantime."  John’s next album, 1988’s Slow Turning was even better, with standout tracks like "Drive South" (also a hit for Country singer Kelly Willis), "Paper Thin", the title song, and "Tennessee Plates", all about two small-time crooks on the lam who break in to Graceland and steal one of Elvis’ Cadillacs ("…anyway he wouldn’t care—hell, he gave ‘em to his friends!").

I first came to know John Hiatt’s work via the self-titled 1992 Little Village album.  I got that CD mostly to hear what Nick Lowe had to say, but it was Hiatt who handled most of the vocals therein, and his gentle good humor was evident to me right away.  The following year, JH released his finest album of all, Perfectly Good Guitar, and I’ve been a convert ever since.  I must have played that tape from start to finish at least four times during a lengthy 1994 road trip—it was that good.  PGG came out during John’s really edgy period, which echoed some of the stuff you heard on the radio from alternative bands at the time, and the writing on it is top-notch, including songs like "Something Wild", "Loving A Hurricane", "Buffalo River Home", "Permanent Hurt", and the awesome title track where John sings, "Oh, it breaks my heart to see those stars smashing a perfectly good guitar..." Obviously he ain’t too keen on the likes of Pete Townshend or Paul Stanley!

It’s hard to describe John Hiatt’s music because he’s dabbled in so many different styles over the years—folky acoustic stuff, straight-ahead Rock, a little country twang, some calypso even (one song he did in 1982 even sounded kinda techno-pop!), but I guess you could say that he’s kind of a cross between Jim Croce and Jimmy Buffett, with a little Bruce Springsteen edge and Bob Seger growl mixed in.  And like Croce, Hiatt excels at story songs and character portraits like "Tennessee Plates" (see above), as well as "Rock Back Billy", all about a struggling guitar player who "took a gig playing bass for Sonny & Cher/He took it on the chin, but never got it off his chest/He wouldn’t be caught dead wearin’ that vest!"  Another song that almost takes you to the actual scene is "Icy Blue Heart", all about a lonely jilted woman looking for true love at a bar:  "She came on to him like a slow-moving cold front/His beer was warmer than the look in her eyes…"  John has a way with words that is incredibly descriptive, and perfectly-tinged with humor too.

Many of his songs are about real life in general, and John is outstanding at getting to the heart of the matter about emotions and such, yet does so in such a colorful way.  A prime example is "Permanent Hurt", all about those inevitable times when you get burned by someone else:  "What is that fallin’ out of your eye?/What is that rollin’ on down your shirt?/Thunder and lightning from the bloodshot skies—this time it’s gonna be a permanent hurt."  Another poignant one is the Little Village track "Don’t Think About Her (While You’re Trying To Drive)", which features beautiful guitar work from Ry Cooder.  "Buddy, you’ll be alright…" John reassures this poor guy who’s broken-up while pining for his ex-girlfriend who has moved on.

Then there are times when John goes a little loco, like on my favorite Hiatt tune of all, "The Wreck of the Barbie Ferrari", a humorous look at a beleaguered family man who’s been pushed to the edge and wants to end it all, but doesn’t have the guts.  "Wreck" also features Cooder playing the sitar (credited as "Ravi Oli"), which enhances the overall trippiness of the song.  Songs like 2002's "The Tiki Bar Is Open" and 1995's "Shredding The Document" also display John’s slightly-warped side.

This dude belongs in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame too, but I won’t bother going down that road again at this time…

My All-Time John Hiatt Top Five:
1) "The Wreck of The Barbie Ferrari" (1993)
2) "Tennessee Plates" (1988)
3) "Perfectly Good Guitar" (1993)
4) "Rock Back Billy" (1990)
5) "Permanent Hurt" (1993)

Lookin' better there, Edward...

The returns aren't all in yet, but based on appearances, it looks like that little rehab stint did Eddie Van Halen some good. Not sure I care for the Sting-like haircut and dye job or not, but at least he doesn't resemble a bag lady anymore.

Keep up the good work, Ed...

"Ponderous...fucking ponderous!"--Casey Kasem

And so goes that annual exercise in overkill known as the NFL Draft, which began today in New Yawk...

Actually, the draft itself isn't the problem—it's ESPN's over-zealous coverage thereof.  Good gravy, people—must we analyze every last fucking detail about every team and every player here?  Then again, you can't spell "analyze" without "anal", which pretty much describes ESPN's wall-to-wall coverage of this thing.  Keep in mind, this is coming from a dyed-in-the-wool football fanatic here!  Sadly, they take all the fun out of football for me every year when they assualt us with their squadron of so-called "experts" and talking heads jaw-jacking and dissecting every possible move each team might make, with the vaunted Mel Kiper, Jr. right in the middle of it all.  For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, ESPN trots this bozo out every year to give his analysis and opinions on the draft, yet he has all the accuracy of Otis from "The Andy Griffith Show" skeet-shooting!  This guy makes Miss Cleo look legit...

One thing I did enjoy was watching QB Brady Quinn sweat and despair over dropping like a tombstone at sea until the Browns finally snagged him at #22.  He's a Notre Dame douche, you know, so he deserved it...

Doin' the "Chy Chy"!

Just finished watching Disc 1 of the newly-released "WKRP In Cincinnati" Season 1 DVD set via my Netflix rental, and thoroughly enjoyed it—it's kinda like reconnecting with an old friend whom you haven't seen in like 20 years.  The set is worth it alone just to hear Les Nessman—the Ted Baxter of radio—mangling his news copy with his infamous "Chy Chy Rodrigweez" mispronunciation, not to mention hearing the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir's rendition of "You're Having My Baby", but there are plenty more classic moments to behold here.

This DVD release is sadly flawed in that they couldn't afford to license the use of the music that was included in the original episodes (the precise reason there's been such a long delay in this series making it to DVD), so you won't be hearing the likes of Foreigner's "Hot Blooded", et al, but that's a small price to pay, really—it's better than the show never being released at all.  They did make up for it a little by including a bit of commentary from Hugh Wilson (the show's creator), Frank Bonner, who played the insufferable Herb Tarlek, and (much to my surprise) Loni Anderson herself.  And I must say that I'd forgotten how pretty she was back in the day!  I don't normally go for platinum blondes—I'm more partial to dark-haired women and redheads—but Loni most definitely kept me tuning in each week when I was going through puberty!

Another thing that was fun for me was seeing the location shots of Cincinnati in the opening title sequence again, now that I've actually been there a few times, thus giving me a better perspective.  AND, I finally got to see the beloved "Turkeys Away" episode that, for whatever reason, I had never seen in its entirety until now.  What a classic line from "The Big Guy", Mr. Carlson: "As God is my witness—I swear I thought turkeys could fly!"

One thing that always drove me crazy about this show was the set layout.  The orientation of the hallway that supposedly led from the reception area behind Jennifer's desk to the studios is impossible—unless they had some sort of open-air skywalk that ran outside the window in Mr. Carlson's office!  Another boo-boo was how Les and the DJs rarely ever wore headphones while speaking on the air.

Don't mean to nit-pick, though—this was a fun little show!  The plots were a little hokey sometimes, but when you have a good ensemble cast with great characters, you can get away with that.  I look forward to seeing the rest of the series, especially the episode with Les warning people to take cover from those "Godless tornadoes" and former Reds manager Sparky Anderson's guest appearance, as well as the really poignant one based on the 1979 Who concert tragedy in Cincinnati.  The one with Herb and Jennifer getting stuck in the elevator was pretty good too.  Let's hope they put the other three seasons out with a bit more alacrity...

Good night, and may the good news be yours...

Exhibit A...

...on why I so despise organized religion: Praise the Lord and pass the loot, eh Jerry?   What a parasite!

TV evangelists are precisely why I'm a non-believer, and the bigger they are, the less I trust them. It's sad how these so-called religious "leaders" like Falwell, Robertson, Swaggart, Graham, et al, constantly prey upon emotionally-crippled people and convert them into a bunch of God-fearing check-writing idiots.  Pathetic...

In the words of my man Lemmy from Motorhead in their song "Bad Religion": "Evangelistic Nazis--you cannot frighten me..."

Happy Michael Moore's b-day!

...just to rile all you über conservatives up out there...

With all the rancor and insanity from the past couple weeks, I'm practically all ranted-out, so I'll keep the anarchy to a minimum tonight, with one little exception...

OOPS! SHE DID IT AGAIN...
No, I'm not referring to Britney Spears shaving her head, but instead I'm talking about about conservative wing-nut Michelle Malkin (left) writing yet another inane column, this time suggesting that we should arm college students on campuses across the country with handguns so they can defend themselves in the unlikely event that another piece of human feces like that Cho dickhead goes on a rampage.  Oh yeah, Michelle, putting firearms in the hands of those mature young people fresh out of high school will certainly make college campuses so much safer!  You think the carnage at Va. Tech last week was bad?  Just wait until you get a bunch of drunken frat boys packing heat at a kegger...

Perhaps Miss (near Miss?) Malkin oughtta shave her head and Britney should try writing newspaper columns for a while instead...

FOR ONCE I AGREE...
...with college football coach Steve Spurrier, who recently stated that he thinks the state of South Carolina needs to lose the Confederate Flag at their Capitol building.  Whaddya know?  The "Ol' Ball Coach" isn't such a dumb redneck after all!

HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?
Bravo to the Boston Red Sox for not only sweeping the New York Yankees over the weekend, but for doing it with style by cranking out four home runs in a row in last night's game.  Although I'm totally burned out on the whole Yankees-Red Sox rivalry thing and the way ESPN plays it up so much, it was still pretty funny...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #25
"Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)"--THE HOLLIES (1972) "Well suddenly we heard the sirens..."  Sirens sounded more like "sunrise" to me. "Well I told her don't get scared 'cos you're gonna be spared..."  I always thought that line went "'cause you've gone off--it's bad."  That song never did make a whole lot of sense to me, but I guess it was still better than "Short Fat Woman (In A Brown Dress)"...

AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR...
I saw by the paper over the weekend that Bannister Mall, located just outside of Raytown, will be closing for good on May 31st.  This comes as no great shock, as this once-mighty mall has been in a nosedive of epic proportions over the last five years or so, thanks to commercial over-development/overkill in the surrounding area and one too many carjackings in the parking lots, culminating in the one-by-one defections of the mall's anchor tenants, beginning with Dillard's, followed by J.C. Penney, then the Jones Store, and the final nail in the coffin when Sears closed just after last Christmas.

I distinctly remember the summer of 1980 when the mall first opened, how us Raytown South High students in search of gainful employment all flocked there to apply for jobs.  Camelot Records was my primary target, naturally, and desperation even once caused me to apply at something in the food court called Taco Factory, but I never actually worked at the mall.  I also remember spending a small fortune at Fun Factory during the winter of '81-'82 on video games.  Kinda sad to see the place go, but unfortunately enclosed malls have fallen by the wayside in favor of the en vogue "big box" retailer clusterfuck shopping centers that you need a road map and a fucking compass to find your way around in.  Rumors abound that they're going to bulldoze Bannister Mall and build a soccer stadium on the site for the Wiz(ards), assuming that David Beckham doesn't bankrupt Major League Soccer first.

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE
Not that I really care about this "American Idol" palaver, but it seems that the dearly-departed Sanjaya was quoted as saying that "being famous feels weird."  Must be true, being as he seems like an aficionado on weirdness.  Okay Bud, your 15 minutes are now up, so please go join William Hung and the rest of the faux celebrity wanna-bes/never-weres.  See you in Branson in a few years...

The Summer Concert Scene

With the current financial climate being what it is, you'll be getting less bang for your buck during this year's summer concert season, as promoters have been forced to economize and settle for booking somewhat "lesser" talent, like the following, coming to a town near you...

—The Doobie Cousins
—The Green Man Group
—Fred Nugent
—Richard Petty & The Heartbreakers
—The Whom
—Jethro Dull
—Clapton & Tennille
—Bachman-Turner Overdrawn
—Decent Company
—Normal Al Yankovic
—The Old Rascals
—Jerry Lee Lipschitz
—The Dave Matthews Bland
—Tin Zeppelin
—The Beagles
—Dire Circles
—Arthur Frampton (the man with three buttocks!)
—The Indigo Boys
—Darn Yankees
—BAAB
—Chuck Barely
—Kenny Rogers & The Worst Edition
—Big Richard
—David Lee Roethlisberger
—Off-Black Sabbath
—Judas Rabbi
—Cheapest Trick
—Def, Dumb & Blind Leppard
—April Beer
—Gordon Hotfoot
—The Average White Guy
—The Moody Teals
—Steve Nicks
—Bruce Ringtone and the G-String Band
—Candle Light Orchestra
—The Stationary Wilburys
—The Ponderous Thunderbirds
—The Four Pots
—U1
—Shallow Purple
—John Cafferty & The Brown Beaver Band
—Paul Revere & The Pacifists
—The Larry Davis Experience
—Pink Lloyd
—And, last but not least—Elton Johnson!

Rock on, peoples!

Oh No! More Lists!

PEOPLE WHO I THINK SHOULD BE IN THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME THAT AREN’T
(In order of deservedness)
1) Paul Revere & The Raiders
2) Kiss
3) The Moody Blues
4) Deep Purple
5) Neil Diamond
6) The Doobie Brothers
7) Jim Croce
8) The Hollies
9) Chicago
10) ABBA
11) Stevie Ray Vaughan
12) Bad Company
13) Rush
14) Dave Edmunds
15) Motorhead
16) Barry White
17) Cheap Trick
18) Genesis
19) Alice Cooper
20) Nick Lowe
21) Jethro Tull
22) Grand Funk Railroad
23) Three Dog Night
24) John Hiatt
25) Judas Priest
26) Heart
27) The Stylistics
28) Dire Straits
29) Yes
30) The Spinners

PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME WHO I THINK SHOULDN’T BE
(In order of un-deservedness)
1) Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five
2) Miles Davis
3) The Sex Pistols
4) Patti Smith
5) Elvis Costello
6) Bonnie Raitt
7) The Clash
8) The Grateful Dead
9) The Staples Singers
10) Percy Sledge
11) The Velvet Underground
12) Traffic
13) The Lovin’ Spoonful
14) Rick Nelson
15) Van Morrison
16) Dion
17) Blondie
18) Jackson Browne
19) Prince*
20) Ritchie Valens
21) The (Young) Rascals
22) The Pretenders*
23) Talking Heads*
24) R.E.M.*
25) Aerosmith*
*=Not yet, anyway!

The floor is now open for debate...

I Rant, Therefore I Am

Hate to lean so heavy on the negativity today, but I gots to get stuff out of my system.  So, I'll warn you in advance that this ain't a real positive post, thus giving you, gentle readers, the option of passing or playing...

MORE VA. TECH THOUGHTS
Let’s hear it for "The Today Show" for seizing the chance to broadcast their show live from the Virginia Tech campus.  It’s not as if these poor people haven’t had enough disruptions there without you people to get in their way, is it?  It wouldn’t surprise me if the other morning shows did this too, but "Today" was the only one I caught in the act.  As I’ve previously ranted about on this blog, I think it's total bullshit when TV news outfits do this sort of thing—using the scene of a tragedy as the stage for their shows.  It doesn’t make them look any more timely or enhance their credibility at all—it merely makes them look like a bunch of opportunistic vultures, and it’s just plain wrong!

Oh, by the way, I’m amazed that Pat Robertson hasn’t proclaimed that all the victims of the massacre had it coming to them anyway because its God’s revenge over America’s "secular agenda"…

On a more positive note, a heartfelt salute to the Washington Nationals baseball club for wearing Virginia Tech caps during their game with the Phillies last night at R.F.K. Stadium.  It was a somewhat spur-of-the-moment thing, but a local D.C. sporting goods store helped round up the caps for the team, which they donned during the 2nd inning (with Major League Baseball's blessing) in a classy show of support for the people of their region.  It wasn't much, but it came from the heart, and I commend them for it.  Well done, gentlemen...

A RETRACTION
I wrongly accused Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley of Kiss of saying next to nothing on their official website following Mark St. John’s passing a couple weeks back.  Gene and Paul did indeed issue subsequent separate statements regarding Mark, so I hereby take back my previous remarks.

"Mark tried his best to become the guitar player that KISS and our fans needed, so that we could continue moving forward. I enjoyed and am proud of our work together on Animalize and know how much he wanted to take that leap to the stage to play with us live. He was gracious in his acceptance that it wouldn't happen and was supportive of Bruce and a gentleman when it was clear that his ailment would end his time with us."—Paul Stanley

"Mark was a great guitarist and a good man. He will be missed." —Gene Simmons

As for my belief in the sincerity of Gene’s statement, let’s just say that it rings pretty hollow and leave it at that…

#42
I found the ESPN broadcast of the Dodgers-Padres game/Jackie Robinson tribute thing on Sunday night rather comical.  It was almost as if the ballgame itself was intruding on the celebration, the way they kept going on and on about him.  I thought for a while there that the Guinness World Record people might need to get their erasers ready for the Most Utterances of the Same Man’s Name in a Three-Hour Sports Broadcast...

Don’t get me wrong—I absolutely do think Jackie Robinson should be honored for what he did, and in fact, this whole tribute was about 35 years too late.  Where was Major League Baseball on the 25th anniversary of Robinson’s debut?  It would have carried a lot more weight if they’d honored the man while he was still alive, rather than doing it now when it’s so fashionable and good P.R. for the league.  And of course, our buddy Jesse Jackson was there doing his token appearance/photo-op.  It also seems kinda warped to do this L.A., because although the Dodgers were Jackie’s team, he never played one inning in California!  Doing this at a Mets game might have been more appropriate…

I SUPPOSE...
...this may not be the most appropriate time for the following anonymous adage, but here goes:  "Life is not a garden, so stop being a hoe!"

Enlighten us, oh Flatulent One!

The editors at The Kansas City Star are practically breaking their own arms patting themselves on the back over the way sports columnist Jason Whitlock has suddenly become the big (both literally and figuratively) media darling the past few days after he took Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to task over their unabashed grandstanding in the Don Imus flap.  Whitlock has been all over the TV this week (again, both literally and figuratively), including appearances on CNN, Oprah, etc., discussing the Rap/Hip-Hop culture’s insidious effects on kids in terms of racial and sexual relations and all.  He’s been widely praised by both the powers-that-be at the paper and numerous letter-writers for “telling it like it is”, but to all that I just have one little thing to say…

Back the truck up a minute, people!

This is the same guy who recently used the term "hoes" in his AOL column (and he wasn't referring to garden implements).  This is the same guy who’s been known to use the term “pimp-slap” and other Hip-Hop lingo in his daily Star sports columns.  This is the same guy who once taunted New England Patriots fans from the press box while covering a Chiefs game at Foxboro Stadium with a handmade sign that read “Drew Bledsoe is gay.”  This is the same guy who routinely resorts to childish name-calling in his daily columns to get his point across (“King” Carl Peterson, “Tr-INT” Green, “Prie$t” Holmes, Ty “Flaw”, et al).  This is the same guy who would routinely rip players in his column for holding out for more money and not honoring their contracts, yet he abruptly quit his own radio show a couple years ago without notice, even though he had a contract.  And yet now Jason’s suddenly the avatar of social consciousness for all to behold?  Welcome, boys and girls, to Hypocrisy 101, because this guy does NOT practice what he preaches, so who is he to criticize what other people do and say?

Okay, before you point fingers back at me—yes, I’m guilty of a little name-calling here on the blog myself (i.e., "Anderson Pooper"), but it’s usually meant in fun at people who deserve it, and unlike Whitlock, I’m not pulling in a six-figure salary to write a column for a major-market newspaper with a reputation to uphold—big difference!  I ain’t making a dime off this little venture, and since there are no rules on my blog to break, I'll say what I want.  But, if I were indeed doing this for money, I would clean up my act a little.  Just a little, though.  But I digress…

I moonlighted (moonlit?) in the Sports Dept. at the Star as a stats editor in the mid-’90s, and I can tell you firsthand that Jason Whitlock is one big jerk.  The arrogance he exudes on camera and in his columns is no act—what you see is what you get.  He rarely ever came in to the office, but during the few times he did bother to grace us with his presence, he would saunter in like his shit didn’t stink (it does, trust me!), and would even engage in heated debates with other columnists while he was there.  And the Flatulent One would often indulge in his favorite hobby while sitting at his cubicle.  "Farting is very important to me. It's a huge part of my life. I've built my entire life around farting." [That's an actual Whitlock quote, folks--I'm NOT making that up!]

This is not to say that I totally disagree with what Whitlock has been saying this week regarding Sharpton and Jackson.  On the contrary—Jason does have some very valid points there.  But, for every brilliant, thought-provoking column the man writes, there are three ignorant ones.  Whitlock all too often shoots himself in the foot with the utter stupidity and childishness that I outlined above, as well as his silly obsession with his friend Jeff George (whom he claims is the greatest quarterback this side of Joe Montana, thus still deserves another shot in the NFL), and Jason also has this irritating habit of constantly creating racial issues where there are none.  Too bad, because he has the potential to be one of the greatest sportswriters of all-time if he could ever get past his own ego...

Thoughts on yesterday

I wanted to give myself time to let the Virginia Tech tragedy all sink in before responding with any kind of knee-jerk reaction, thus I waited a day, and here’s what I have to say…

Obviously, this miscreant was a nut-job, but even without the guns, he may well have found another way to commit these sickening acts, but it seems to me that the magnitude of this tragedy would have been lessened considerably if this whacko didn’t have such easy access to semi-automatic weaponry!  Now, before all you NRA-types out there get your collective panties in a wad, I’m not calling for a ban on ALL guns—what I’m saying is there need to be more restrictions on access to certain types of guns.

Charmin’ Chuck Heston, Ted Nugent and the rest of NRA-nation are going to have to go a long way to convince me that anyone other than military or law enforcement personnel have any need whatsoever to own semi-automatic handguns or rifles!  What the fuck are these kind of weapons doing in the hands of private citizens?  Sorry Ted, but you don’t need a fucking Uzi to kill rabbits, ducks, elks, or any other wild animals, and you can’t convince me otherwise.  Maybe I'm naïve about all this, but if you take away the semi-automatic aspect of yesterday's shootings, we might only be talking about ten deaths instead of 33.  Normal sane people shouldn’t even have access to this stuff—let alone psychotics like this creep who shot up Virginia Tech—yet these weapons are so damn easy to obtain in our country.  Hell, look at Columbine—those two little bastards amassed an arsenal that some small countries would be envious of, and they were high school students!

I have no doubt there will be tons of excuses spewed forth over the next few days from the NRA, but I’m so fucking tired of hearing their hackneyed rhetoric about it being their patriotic right (not to mention my patriotic duty) to bear arms.  And, oh by the way, I felt this way long before the likes of Michael Moore came along, so save your breath before you accuse me of being a "bleeding-heart" liberal.  Something’s got to change, folks…

Happiness Is A Warm Gun? Yeah, right...

Yes, I know John Lennon wrote that song in jest, but sadly there are too many people out there for whom that phrase is all too true—just ask the people of Blacksburg, VA tonight.  I'm too pissed off and too tired to blog about this tragedy tonight, but I do plan to post a reaction to all of this later after more facts come in, and I can assure all the NRA-types out there that they won't like what I have to say...

Meanwhile, my condolences to friends and families of all the victims of this senseless act of violence.

R.I.P., Don Ho

I just heard the news of the passing of singer Don Ho at age 76--here are the details.  Even though I've had more than just a little fun at his expense over his surname, I never meant ANY disrespect to him as a performer, and I DO recognize that he has a legion of followers out there, and that he was also well-loved.  And I have to admit, his remake of Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" was a total crack-up, too...

And, how strangely ironic that D.H. would pass away during the same week when another man named Don and the term "ho" were the flashpoint topic in the news...

Aloha, Don...

I STILL hear him Rockin'...

Tomorrow may be April 15th, but tax day isn’t a total bummer because it’s also the birthday of one of my all-time favorite musicians, guitarist Dave Edmunds.  You may not know his name, but chances are you’re familiar with at least some of his work if you listen to Rock at all.  He’s produced some major acts over the years (Foghat, the Stray Cats and Fabulous T-Birds, to name three), hit the Top 40 a couple times (with 1970’s “I Hear You Knockin’” and 1983’s “Slipping Away”), and he was a member of the band Rockpile, which he formed with bassist/producer Nick Lowe.  Edmunds has your basic cult following in Rock circles, but it’s a pretty big cult all the same.  I used to wear this Dave Edmunds concert shirt I got at one of his shows back in the ‘80s, and people would come up to me and say, “Man, where’d you get that shirt? I love Dave Edmunds!”  I first got into Dave in the summer of ’79 when his album Repeat When Necessary came out and the song “Crawling From The Wreckage” got a fair amount of airplay on the old KY-102.

By the way, who’s the nandofuck that came up with those gawdawful call letters (KYYS)?  Why on earth would you want your radio station named after a lubrication jelly?  But I digress…

Dave’s career goes all the way back to the late ‘60s with a band called the Human Beans (not to be confused with the Human Beinz of “Nobody But Me” fame) who did a cover version of the Tim Rose classic “Morning Dew”.  Edmunds later formed a trio called Love Sculpture, which was sort of a poor man’s ZZ Top, and they covered many old blues and Rockabilly classics, and did this manic rendition of Khachaturian’s classical classic “Sabre Dance” that was beyond belief.  He eventually went solo in the early ‘70s, yielding the fluke hit “Knockin’”, as well as songs like “Down, Down, Down” and “The Stumble”.  But it was when Edmunds hooked up with Lowe in the late ‘70s that his career really took off.  From 1977 through ’79, Edmunds and Lowe recorded albums under their own names, but it was in fact the band Rockpile, which was rounded out by guitarist Billy Bremner and drummer Terry Williams (who later toured with Dire Straits).  The irony of all ironies is how when the band finally put out a record under the Rockpile name, 1980’s Seconds of Pleasure, it wound up being sub-par compared with their previous output under the Lowe and Edmunds names, and after one Rockpile tour, the band broke up, rather acrimoniously...

Normally, I don’t condone artists who make careers out of doing cover versions of other people’s work (Linda Ronstadt, White Courtesy Phone!), but I make an exception for someone who takes other people’s songs and adds their own touches to them or improves upon the originals, and that’s where Dave Edmunds excels.  And it’s not like Dave just plays the hits, either—he often took obscure tracks from legendary artists like Chuck Berry or Elvis Presley and made them his own, like “Dear Dad” and “Paralyzed”, respectively.  Dave’s version of another Elvis song (Costello, that is) “Girls’ Talk” blows the original away, and Dave’s rendition of Bob Seger’s “Get Out of Denver” is even faster than the original, if you can believe that.  DE also did a far superior version of “Queen Of Hearts” two years before Juice Newton had the big hit with it.

And there certainly was no dearth of original material along the way either, and much of it written by Nick Lowe, and much of it was very witty, including tracks like “Television”, “Not A Woman, Not A Child”, “What Did I Do Last Night?” and “I Knew The Bride”, which NL himself had a hit with in 1985, and which is now routinely played at wedding receptions the world over.  Bruce Springsteen wrote a song specifically for Dave in 1982 called "From Small Things (Big Things One Day Come)" and “Slipping Away” was written by ELO’s Jeff Lynne, whose collaboration on two of Dave’s albums in the mid-’80s was rather derisively dubbed “Edmunds Light Orchestra” by uninformed critics.  Even with all the electronic drums and ‘80s overkill, Dave still managed to sound cool.  He would later take that technology and put it to good use on 1994’s Plugged In CD, on which Edmunds played EVERY instrument himself, including an updated version of “Sabre Dance“ that really kicks...

Oh, did I mention that Dave Edmunds could put on a pretty good live show, too?  I saw him and his band nearly blow the roof off the Uptown Theater twice back in the early ‘80s.  I also have to thank Dave not only for his own body of work, but for considerably broadening my musical horizons over the years—it was through him that I came to know the work of Nick Lowe, and it was through Lowe that I came to know the work of John Hiatt, who has subsequently become one of my favorite songwriters of all-time...

MY D.E. TOP FIVE (ALBUMS):
1) Tracks On Wax 4 (1978)
2) D.E. 7th (1982)
3) Repeat When Necessary (1979)
4) Get It (1977)
5) Plugged In (1994)

Happy 63rd, Dave! Hope we still hear you Rockin’ for a long time…