Language Lessons

Ever since my recent trip to Memphis, I've become a music documentary DVD junkie, and this week I re-watched a most excellent profile on the life of legendary producer Tom Dowd.  You may not know his name, but unless you're deaf or have lived in a Third World country for the last 50 years or are just plain brain dead, you're familiar with this man's body of work.  There's a better than good chance his name is on the back of more than a few of the albums/CDs in your collection, because he produced the likes of The Allman Brothers, Ray Charles, Derek And The Dominoes, Aretha Franklin, Otis Redding, Neil Young, Charles Mingus, James Brown, Eric Clapton, John Coltrane, Rod Stewart, Wilson Pickett, Cream, Lynyrd Skynyrd—even my boys Black Oak Arkansas—and many many others.  Can you say prolific?!?

The DVD, Tom Dowd-The Language of Music was filmed just prior to Dowd's death in 2002, and his stories and recollections are priceless, as are those of Clapton, Gregg Allman and others he worked with over the years.  It also features one of the more majestic musical instruments on this planet--the grand piano that the second half of "Layla" was played on.  Mr. Dowd just had a knack for bringing out the best in the musicians he worked with, and he also seemed like a genuinely nice man and was well-respected by all.  Well worth a look if you're into "behind-the-scenes" music stuff like I am.

Summer's here and the time is right...

...for obese women to dress appropriately in public!

Don't get me wrong:  I'm NOT referring to mildly-overweight women like say Kate Winslet, Jennifer Hudson, Renee Zellweger at Bridget Jones size (which I actually prefer) or even Ann Wilson circa 1985.  I'm talking about these female Jabba The Huts like in the photo here, who ought to have a little common sense.  I've already seen far more flesh than I care to this spring and summer, and I swear, if I see any more of these grossly overweight (and often tattooed) skanks trying to look chic at the grocery store in their spaghetti-strap tube tops (with those oh-so-sexy exposed bra straps), it may just give me cause to reconsider homosexuality!  Look folks, I weigh 265 to 270 pounds, and I do the world a great big favor by not going shirtless in public, so a good rule of thumb is basically any woman who outweighs me by more than 20 pounds has no business wearing this stuff outside the house!

Minding My P's & Q's

I’m still churning my way through the alphabet in my CD collection, and here are some brief thoughts on who I’ve been listening to this week…

TOM PETTY & THE HEARTBREAKERSI’m not completely sold on whether this guy truly belongs in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, but TP does have his moments now and then.  I can usually only take Petty in small doses, apart from his 1989 Full Moon Fever CD, which was far and away his best (ironically minus the Heartbreaker name) and the second Traveling Wilburys CD, Vol. 3, which he practically carried by himself at times.

My All-Time Tom Petty Top 10:1) Runnin’ Down A Dream (1989)
2) Refugee (1980)
3) Poor House [Traveling Wilburys] (1991)
4) Jammin’ Me (1986)
5) Yer So Bad (1989)
6) Last Dance With Mary Jane (1993)
7) Cool Dry Place [Traveling Wilburys] (1991)
8) Don’t Do Me Like That (1980)
9) [tie] I Need To Know (1978)/American Girl (1976)
10) Zombie Zoo (1989)

ELVIS PRESLEY
Yes, the man has been reduced to a mere caricature these days, but let’s not forget why he became such a cultural icon in the first place.  Like Eddie Murphy says, when Elvis was young, he was "a bad motherfucker!" and his early music certainly reflects that.

I view Elvis as a rather tragic figure—he got run into the ground by his manager, Col. Tom Parker, who had him making all those crappy movies instead of focusing on his music career in the ‘60s, and then Elvis got all mangled up on drugs to the point where he was a walking zombie by the mid-‘70s.  Elvis also made the tactical error of surrounding himself with a bunch of leeches and yes-men (his "Memphis Mafia"), not to mention The Big Dick (see photo), but I think he was an extremely lonely man, which I find very sad.  His demise was inevitable, but as Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits once sang, "He’s still the man…"

My All-Time Elvis Top 10
1) A Big Hunk O’ Love (1959)
2) Hard Headed Woman (1958)
3) Mean Woman Blues (1956)
4) Kentucky Rain (1970)
5) Jailhouse Rock (1957)
6) Hound Dog (1956)
7) In The Ghetto (1968)
8) Suspicious Minds (1969)
9) Money Honey (1956)
10) Way Down (1977)

THE POLICEAs with Cheap Trick and Journey, I’m more partial to a lot of The Police’s "B-stuff" than their big hits, thus "Roxanne" doesn’t even crack my Top 10, and I never need to hear "King of Pain" and "Every Breath You Take" again as long as I live...

Evidently, there are still plenty of suckers out there paying $200 a pop to see the band on the latest "We’re Only In It For The Money" tour (a tradition started by The Eagles back in the mid-‘90s), but I have no intention of seeng them live now (unless Sting, Andy or Stew personally invites me).  I have fonder memories of two excellent Police concerts back in the day, one at Kemper Arena on March 25, 1982 (ticket price: $10.75) and another at St. Louis Arena (then known by the silly name "Checkerdome") on July 24, 1983 (same day as the George Brett pine tar incident), where they pretty much brought down the house both times.  I remember the crowds were very energetic at both of those shows and were almost as much fun to watch as the band was, especially all the girls who were dressed like The Go-Go's.

So, how come Sting’s solo career was so dull?  Successful, yes, but so utterly dull…

My All-Time Police Top 10:1) One World (Not Three) (1981)
2) Message In A Bottle (1979)
3) Synchronicity II (1983)
4) Regatta De Blanc (1979)
5) Demolition Man (1981)
6) When The World Is Running Down… (1980)
7) Rehumanize Yourself (1981)
8) Synchronicity I (1983)
9) Born In The ‘50s (1978)
10) Spirits In The Material World (1981)

THE PRETENDERSHave to admit I wasn’t terribly crazy about Chrissie Hynde at first, but I grew to like her over time—well, at least her voice and her songwriting, anyway.  Still not crazy about her attitude sometimes, but at least she didn’t allow her band to morph into "Chrissie Hynde & The Pretenders", as so often happens with bands who have a female lead singer, a la "Patti Smyth & Scandal" and "Gloria Estefan & Miami Sound Machine" (was that a mouthful, or what?).  Like Petty, I’m not so sure the Pretenders belong in the HOF either (not yet, anyway), as I think they’re a tad overrated at times, but there is some good stuff to behold here.

For you trivia buffs, that’s Rockpile’s Billy Bremner playing lead guitar on "Back On The Chain Gang" and "My City Was Gone".  Also, Chrissie Hynde attended Kent State University at the height of the anti-war protests, and she was there during the tragic May 4, 1970 campus shootings, although I’m not sure if she actually witnessed the massacre or not.

Speaking of "My City Was Gone", it also serves as the intro music on Rush Limbaugh’s Communist—er uh, conservative—radio propaganda program—er uh, talk show.  Seems strangely ironic that he would choose the music of a liberal über animal rights activist like C. Hynde for his show.  Ay, oh, way to go, Ohio…

My All-Time Pretenders Top 10:
1) Message Of Love (1981)
2) Tattooed Love Boys (1980)
3) Time The Avenger (1983)
4) Middle Of The Road (1983)
5) I’ll Stand By You (1994)
6) My City Was Gone (1982)
7) Mystery Achievement (1980)
8) Show Me (1983)
9) Back On The Chain Gang (1982)
10) Precious (1980)

QUEEN
One of my bigger regrets in life is never getting to see Freddie Mercury & Co. live in concert, as I’ve heard they used to put on an awesome show.  My best chance was probably in 1980 when they played Kemper Arena on The Game tour, but as I remember, that was a very tough ticket in this town.  Queen returned again in 1982 on their Hot Space tour, but we passed on that one because the album was so crappy, and I later heard that it was a poor show anyway, and they were actually upstaged by upstart opening act Billy Squier.  Saaayyy—you don’t suppose Billy and Freddie—oh, never mind, let’s not go there!!  Ironcially, Squier himself was upstaged by upstart opening act Def Leppard the next time he came to town.  And so it goes…

Getting back to Queen, Hot Space did a ton of damage to their career in America that they never really recovered from, but the fans in England and Europe remained fiercely loyal to the band, and they put out some damn good stuff in the mid-to-late ‘80s that went sadly unnoticed in America, right up until Mercury’s death in 1991.  One of the greatest vocal performances you’ll ever hear is Freddie singing "The Show Must Go On"—you’d never know that the man was literally dying when Queen recorded it for their final album Innuendo, and it was an unbelievably powerful performance coming from someone who at the time needed assistance just to go to the toilet.

Queen should have ended right there and then, but now we have Queen + Paul Rodgers, which I’m having great difficulty embracing.  No offense to PR—he’s a great singer in his own right—but you just don’t replace a Freddie Mercury.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!

A little Queen trivia for you: You know how Freddie Mercury's truncated microphone stand came about?  Totally by accident.  At one of the band's early gigs, he had some mic stand that evidently was bulky and heavy, and during a performance, Fred tried to move the thing and it wouldn't budge, so he just ripped the top portion of the mic stand out of its base and did the rest of the show without the base.  He liked it so much that it stuck...

My All-Time Queen Top 10:1) Tie Your Mother Down (1976)
2) Bohemian Rhapsody (1976)
3) Killer Queen (1974)
4) The Show Must Go On (1991)
5) Crazy Little Thing Called Love (1980)
6) One Vision (1985)
7) You’re My Best Friend (1976)
8) Rock It (Prime Jive) (1980)
9) I Want It All (1989)
10) Need Your Loving Tonight (1980)

Zoinks!

For all you poetry buffs out there, please allow me to recite a little tribute to those Meddling Kids that I spotted on the back of a car the other day...

Pass ol' Shaggy the baggie

So he can roll a doobie for ol' Scooby!

Or something like that...

Pacman Fever!

Well, in a thoroughly earth-shattering turn of events, Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones is being sought by authority figures about his possible involvement a shooting outside a titty bar involving his homies—er uh—his entourage.  Couldn't possibly be true, could it?!?  This is damn near as shocking as David Crosby getting busted for drug possession...


Okay, I'm being facetious more than a little bit here—Paris Hilton's in jail but this fucker isn't?  And, is there any doubt that the NFL's current most prolific miscreant is rising high on the list of the biggest dumbasses in sports history?

In fact, here are the current standings:
1) O.J. Simpson
2) Darryl Strawberry
3) Art Schlichter
4) Mike Tyson
5) Steve Howe
6) Adam "Pacman" Jones
7) Lawrence Phillips
8) Andre Rison
9) Denny McLain
10) Ron Artest
11) Jose Canseco
12) Bode Miller
13) Todd Marinovich
14) Tommy Morrison
15) Pete Rose
16) John Daly
17) Tonya Harding
18) Terrell Owens
19) Albert Belle
20) Randy Moss

It was 40 years ago today...

...the Monterey Pop Festival got underway.  Can you believe the "Summer of Love" was 40 fucking years ago already?  Don't mean to make youse guys feel old or anything, but Sgt. Pepper is now 40 years old.  So is Are You Experienced? and "I Can See For Miles" and "Happy Together" and "Incense And Peppermints" and The Doors' first album—these and many many more!

Meanwhile, back at Monterey, the first of the big-time festival concerts was a smashing success, organized by the late John Phillips of the Mamas & The Papas, and featuring his group, as well as Janis Joplin, the Jefferson Hairpie—er uh—Airplane, Booker T. & The M.G.'s, not to mention the legendary breakout performances by the late Otis Redding (just six months before his untimely death), The Who and the Jimi Hendrix Experience (featuring "Bob Dylan's grandmother", aka bassist Noel Redding).  This turned out to be probably the most well-organized and well-run of all the big '60s mega-fests.

I love the stories I've read about the dispute between Pete Townshend of The Who and Jimi Hendrix about who would play first on the bill.  Neither act wanted to follow the other one, given their (literally) explosive nature on-stage, so it came down to a coin flip (which Jimi lost), but it didn't fucking matter—both bands emerged as stars after this gig, even though de 'orrible 'Oo blew the place up first, then Jimi set his guitar on fire at the end of "Wild Thing".  Roger Daltrey of The Who also related a great story about an impromptu jam session that took place under the stage that included himself and Pete, as well as Hendrix, Brian Jones of the Rolling Stones (one of the emcees of the show), Mama Cass and several others that Roger totally regrets wasn't caught on tape.  He claims it was better than the concert itself, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's right.

While I'm on the subject of concert anniversaries, it was 28 years ago tomorrow that I attended my first legitimate Rock concert—Summer Rock '79 at Arrowhead Stadium (are you with me, Brother Raley?)—featuring Ted Nugent, Heart, The Cars, Sammy Hagar and Missouri.  I was only 15 at the time, so my old man had to drop me and my friend Tom off and pick us up after the show.  I still have pretty healthy memories about the show:

—I distinctly remember Sammy Hagar coming back for his encore and screaming into the microphone, "Turn this fucking mic back on!"  Uh, Sam, I think it's on...

—The Cars weren't terribly well-received because this was their first K.C. appearance, and they all kinda stood still on stage while they played.  I do recall to this day how Greg Hawkes' synthesizer echoed around the stadium on "You're All I've Got Tonight", but the band didn't come off well at all that day.  The Cars were actually a damn good live band in the right venue—i.e. smaller clubs and theaters—as evidenced by the recent DVD release of various live performances from their career.  I always thought they should've toured with The Police.  Get it?  The Police Cars Tour?  Har-dee-har-har...

—Heart was quite good during their set, although I don't remember much about it.  They were on their Dog & Butterfly tour, or "Dog & Butt", as the receipt read when I later bought the album...

—Ted Nugent was the headliner, and he was quite adequate, but slightly subdued because of an ankle injury he'd sustained earlier that week.  The highlight of the show was the impromptu trash-throwing session during Nugent's set, wherein the majority of the crowd just started throwing anything they could get their hands on all around the stadium.  Tom and I survived the melee unscathed and unharmed...

Travelblog--Part 3

NASHVILLE SKYLINE
Got into the Capital of Country Music around lunchtime on Sunday, and quickly realized that I had chosen a rather inopportune day to tour downtown, as there was a big CMA Fan Fest hoop-de-doo taking place, thus downtown was a clusterfuck of people.  I wound up parking on the other side of downtown away from all the action in a garage across the street from Municipal Auditorium, where Ted Nugent recorded parts of Double Live Gonzo! (and paid homage to all that "Nashville pussy").  This actually worked out rather nicely, because it gave me a chance to roam along the bluffs overlooking the Cumberland River and the Tennessee Titans football stadium (whatever it’s called this week) before wandering down through the masses.  I was very impressed with Nashville’s very underrated skyline and its distinctive architecture, especially the BellSouth tower (the big tall rascal with the matching lightning rods).  And once again, Kansas City gets upstaged by a smaller city with a far more exciting downtown, as there is so much to do and see in downtown Nashville.  Even without their big Country hoedown thing last weekend, I imagine there would still have been a fair amount of people hitting all the attractions, whereas downtown Kansas City on a Sunday afternoon would put people to sleep faster than your average Kenny G CD.

I also enjoyed the adjacent entertainment district along Broadway, which reminded me a little of Beale Street in Memphis, only a tad more subdued.  They don’t emphasize the drinking and partying here quite as much as in Memphis, but there are plenty of bars, restaurants and clubs lining the street, and I partook of a dandy pork sandwich at Rippy’s BBQ that really hit the spot.

THE HALLI was pleasantly surprised by and impressed with the Country Music Hall of Fame, which is right next door to the Nashville Predators’ hockey arena (whatever it’s called this week), and just a couple blocks from Ryman Auditorium.  I’m not a big Country fan by any means, but I do have a few Country artists in my CD collection (Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton, Jerry Reed, et al), and I certainly respect the history of this genre of music, given that it’s all interconnected with Rock history.  The Country HOF was damn near as cool as the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, and well worth the visit.  They had tons of artifacts on display—everything from stage outfits worn by the different artists, various musical instruments (like Buck Owens’ red, white and blue guitar from "Hee Haw"), and cars of the stars, like Webb Pierce’s badass ride with the cow horns and Elvis’s custom Caddie that I featured a few posts back.  Speaking of "Hee Haw", they had a rather humorous display in tribute to the show, featuring the mock cornfield and mannequins with the costumes worn by Grandpa Jones, Junior Samples, et al.  I also enjoyed their temporary exhibit on Ray Charles and his successful foray into Country music.  Also included in the Hall of Fame complex is a massive three-story music archive that looked pretty ambitious—evidently they’re trying to preserve every last Country recording ever made!

One area where the Country HOF clearly outshines the Rock HOF is the actual shrine itself where the inductees are honored.  Each honoree has their own plaque on the wall in this cathedral-like room, very similar to the ones at the Baseball Hall of Fame, complete with their likeness in bronze and a detailed description of their career achievements (minus their lifetime batting average).  The Rock HOF has this spiral ramp that you ascend with the inductees’ names emblazoned on the wall along with their signatures, but there’s nothing to detail their careers or explain why they’re in the hall.  Also, it’s kinda dumb to see blank spaces for the signatures of the deceased artists—i.e., it’s a little hard to get Buddy Holly’s or Jimi Hendrix’ autograph posthumously.  The Country Hall got it right for sure, and I highly recommend a visit there, especially to my friends who are big Country fans—Mr. Jefferies, attention!  Hell, if I enjoyed it, I know you would.  Yet another A+ in my book…

THE 50,000-WATT BLOWTORCH
Before I hit downtown, I made it a point to drive just south of the city to check out the WSM transmitter tower, and their website wasn’t kidding—it truly is a sight to behold.  This behemoth is 808 feet tall—that’s 178 feet taller than the Gateway Arch, folks!  It is any wonder you can pick that station up everywhere?  I also spent some time listening to this very historical radio station while in town, and it was actually fun to hear "old-school" radio on AM again.







PERFECTLY GOOD GUITAR
I’d also been dying to see this thing in person.  This is the main scoreboard at Nashville’s minor league baseball park, Greer Stadium.  What do you suppose one would use as a pick for this thing, a manhole cover?  I love the strategically-placed linescore on the guitar’s neck, too. There’s been talk of building a new ballpark downtown to replace this aging stadium, but I hope they transplant the scoreboard if they do move.

THE MAN IN BLACK
I’m not sure why, but I’m rather fascinated by famous people’s gravesites, so I paid a visit to the graves of Johnny and June Carter Cash in suburban Hendersonville.  It was kinda surreal to find their graves in such a small cemetery in modern suburbia amidst all the strip malls and convenience stores.  Nothing real fancy here—just very humble and tasteful—and their graves didn’t stand out at all amongst the others, which I found rather refreshing.  R.I.P. Johnny and June...

GOIN' TO CHURCH
Yet another educational stop on my trip was the famous Ryman Auditorium in downtown Nashville, original home of the Grand Ole Opry.  I knew a little bit about the rich history of this place—turns out it was very little.  Anyone who is/was anyone in Country music has stood on this stage at one time or another, and it's amazing to think that this place was almost torn down.  After the Opry moved in 1974 to its new soulless country club digs out in the suburbs in shopping mall heaven, the Ryman closed down and sat dormant and decaying for 20 years.  Fortunately, the Gaylord Entertainment people (owners of the Opry and most of Tennessee) kicked in the money to refurbish, renovate and resurrect this musical temple, and managed to pretty much perserve its essence, right down to its original wooden pews.

Not only is the Ryman open daily for tours, during which you can stand on the stage (as I did for this pic), it's still a viable concert venue, hosting acts from every genre of music—not just Country—-everything from Seal to Robert Plant.  Even Ted Nugent played there a week ago Friday—I hope he at least showed this place a little respect and refrained from doing his "get out of America if you can't speak English" shtick, but knowing him, he probably didn't.  They say that the acoustics in this building are damn near perfect, and I hope to get back down to Nashville again and see a show there.  I bet a John Hiatt concert there would be awesome.  A++ in my book on this one.  Special thanks to Brother Randy Raley for his recommendation of seeing the Ryman and Johnny Cash's gravesite—these suggestions helped to make this an awesome road trip.  Thank you again, sir—I owe YOU a burger next time I'm in St. Louis!

WELL, BLOW ME DOWN!
My little Magical History Tour concluded with a trip back home along the scenic route through western Kentucky and southern Illinois, passing through Clarksville (now I know what an Austin Peay looks like!), Paducah and Carbondale (home of the Salukis).  Just as I was about to cross back into the Show Me State, I stumbled across an old friend in the riverfront town of Chester, IL.  More education for me on this trip, as I was totally unaware that the world's most famous spinach eater was created by a Chester native named Elzie Segar (click pic below to enlarge and read all about it), thus they put up this dandy statue.  It's real easy to find if you're ever traveling in the area, right at the foot of the Mississippi River bridge on your right as you cross into Illinois on U.S. 51.  Now they need a Wimpy statue!  I yam what I yam...

Pimp My Muppets!

Statler and Waldorf be stylin'. They say these cats are bad muthas--shut yo' mouth!

Travelblog--Part 2

Another installment of my vacation adventures from this past weekend...
[Click on the pics to make them humongous.]

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...Another highlight of my trip was my visit to the Sun Records museum, where Sam Phillips discovered and recorded the likes of Jerry Lee Lewis, Carl Perkins, Johnny Cash, Charlie Rich, Roy Orbison and of course, one young Elvis Aron Presley (who went to high school just a few blocks away).  The original recording studio has been preserved and is still in use (U2 recorded "Angel Of Harlem" and "When Love Comes To Town" there for Rattle And Hum) along with many of the original instruments and other equipment, including this microphone that more than a few famous people have sung into.  

Our tour guide was quite knowledgeable, and told a great story about the recording of Johnny Cash’s "I Walk The Line".  Seems the Grand Ole Opry had a stupid rule back in the day that to appear on their show, you could not use drums of any kind.  So, The Man In Black circumvented that rule by slipping a dollar bill under the strings on the neck of his guitar.  This made a rhythmic clicky sound as he simply strummed along while singing the song—ergo, Cash used cash to further his career!  Just like with my visit to Motown’s studio in Detroit last September, it was a real treat and privilege to stand in the same room where all those legendary songs were recorded—tons of Rock ‘N’ Roll history went down here, and I strongly encourage a visit. Another A+ in my book…

"EARLY MORNING, APRIL 4..."
I briefly visited the Lorraine Motel/National Civil Rights Museum, site of the Martin Luther King assassination.  There was some big event going on there Saturday, and it was a sea of people, so I stopped back by on Sunday morning before leaving town and took photos.  They basically preserved the side of the hotel where the shooting took place (it actually remained in business until the early ‘80s) and attached the museum onto it, and even placed the two cars (or replicas, I’m not sure which) that were parked there to help recreate the scene during the shooting.  Always neat to get the visual perspective of where famous events took place.

BEALE-IN’ ALRIGHT…
And then there was Beale Street.  Plenty to eat, plenty to drink, plenty of music, plenty of people, plenty of Elvis impersonators, but NO reptiles, by golly!  Reptiles just don’t get no love these days...


For reasons unknown to me, I knew nothing about Beale Street when I first visited Memphis as an adult in 1996, but I brought myself up to speed this time around.  I ate and drank and ate some more and drank some more and did a lot of people watching.  For whatever it’s worth—I don’t think I’ve ever seen a higher concentration of amateur-looking tattoos on people in one place before.  I’m hardly an expert on (let alone a proponent of) body art, but I know cheap tattoos when I see them.  Geez Louise, if you just have to deface your body with graffiti, get a good tattoo instead of something that looks like it was drawn by Mr. Magoo!  But, I digress…

Beale Street is kinda like Kansas City’s Westport and St. Louis’ LaClede’s Landing combined (on steroids).  Public drunkenness is highly encouraged here, as they cordon off the streets to car traffic at night and most of the bars have handy open walk-up windows where you can order up a "Big-Ass Beer" without even having to go inside.  Many of them had live music that filtered out into the street, and it was a rather neat cacophony of sound.  There are also numerous record and gift shops along the way, and eateries that will satisfy most anyone’s appetite except Vegans.  I had lunch at The Pig ("Pork With An Attitude") and their BBQ brisket wasn’t too shabby, although it was a tad overpriced, but that was the general rule everywhere I ate.  I checked out Dyer’s Famous (deep-fried) Burgers (since 1912!) for dinner, and they were delightfully greasy, alright.  And for detox purposes at the end of the night, I got a rack of ribs at another BBQ place whose name escapes me now ("Superior"-something, I think), and they weren’t too shabby either.  Not too hard to figure out why Beale Street is a popular destination for folks.

There may have been no reptiles, but there actually were goats on the premises!  I have no earthly idea why, but in between one of the bars and the open-air courtyard area of another bar sits this fenced-in mini-barnyard where this pair of goats resides.  I thought I’d seen everything until I got a load of their little palatial layout, complete with a one-of-a-kind goat pagoda.  The white goat, who reminded me of Julio’s buddy Chico on "Sanford & Son", was particularly amusing as he started humping on something at the top of the pagoda.  Goats are none too subtle about defecating, either—they take a dump while they walk, just like horses.  I did say that this trip was highly educational, didn't I?

About the only downside to Beale Street is there are way too many panhandlers to deal with.  This one ugly bitch actually tried to grab my chest and I had to shove her away.  I hate to seem like a heartless bastard, but I take a real dim view of these mongrels.  Most of them are drug addicts and losers anyway, and there are legitimate places they can go for help, but they won’t because booze and drugs aren’t allowed in the homeless shelters.  I also feel like I have the right to enjoy myself in public places without being hassled.  To their credit, Memphis has signs all over downtown discouraging people from giving to panhandlers, but they don’t seem to help much.
Tales from the Nashville portion of my trip are forthcoming soon...

A few chalant sequitors

...because those damn nonchalant non-sequitors get all the glory!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME...
Belatedly, anyway. I turned 43 on Monday, against my better judgment.  I share that rather special birthdate with cool famous folks like actor Chad Everett, HOF quarterback Joe Montana, drummer Frank Beard of ZZ Top and actress Adrienne Barbell...

B.F.D.!
Nearly all I heard about on the radio (even on the sports stations) the whole weekend during my trip was the vaunted "Sopranos" finale.  No offense intended to youse guys who are into dat show, but dose of us who don't watch it (let alone don't even have HBO) couldn't give an aardvark's sacrum about it!

WELL-NAMED
I saw a poster at the President Casino in St. Louie for an upcoming performance by a band called the Well Hungarians.  Best band name I've heard since My Dixie Rect...

RADIO, SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU...
Kudos to the station I picked up in Southern Illinois on Monday called 97.7 The Bear that played Van Halen's "Everybody Wants Some!!" and "Tears Are Falling" by Kiss during a 20-minute span.  I dare our K.C. "classic" Rock stations to deviate even slightly from their regimented playlists to play songs like these now and then in place of "Jump" and "Rock And Roll All Nite"...

FAIR AND BALANCED?
Speaking of radio, one thing I always make it a point to do on road trips is scan through the dial (esp. during middays) to see what's going on in the way of talk radio, and all these people who complain about the "liberal media" are full of it when it comes to talk radio—it's nothing but conservatives!  I'm not just talking national names like Limbaugh/ Hannity/Dr. Laura, either—it's local people too.  And it's all this "us-versus-them" mentality, as opposed to actually discussing the damn issues.  And if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that conservatives want this Iraq war to just go on forever and ever.  Liberal media, my ass...

GET WITH THE TIMES, PLEASE
Memo to the states of Kentucky and Illinois:  Please lose the damn 65 MPH speed limit on the Interstates!  Everyone else does 70, why don't you?  As the late John Lennon once said, "It gets on my tit!"

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #35
"Iron Man"--BLACK SABBATH (1969)  Minor misinterpretations here, but worthy of note.  I thought "Heavy boots of lead..." was "Having boots of lead..." and "Does he walk at all?" was "Does he walk and talk?"  Ozzy never has been terribly easy to understand, has he?

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS—EVER!
Seems that the Kansas City Royals are looking for suggestions for a signature tune to play during the 7th inning stretch right after the traditional "Take Me Out To The Ballgame".  Apparently, the obvious choice of The Beatles' "Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey Hey" isn't good enough, and they are soliciting other suggestions.  Tony's Kansas City blog suggested The Beatles' "I'm A Loser" and Phil Collins' "I Missed Again", among others, and I have a few choice picks of my own:

10) "Road To Nowhere"—Talking Heads
9) "Low Budget"—The Kinks
8) "Funeral For A Friend"—Elton John
7) "I'm Tore Down"—Eric Clapton
6) "No More, No More"—Aerosmith
5) "Rock And A Hard Place"—Rolling Stones
4) "I Can't Stand It"—Eric Clapton
3) "Crawling From The Wreckage"—Dave Edmunds
2) "Beautiful Loser"—Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band
1) "Rock Bottom"—Kiss

Travelblog--Part 1

"Alright, kids, now that I've recovered from the trip I've been on, time to share a few highlights from it...

SOULSVILLE, U.S.A.
My first stop on Saturday morning in Memphis was the Stax Museum of American Soul Music, and it pretty much set the tone for the entire trip, as it turned out to be a very educational experience for me, even though I consider myself pretty knowledgeable when it comes to popular music—just goes to show that you're never too old to learn.  Even I had never quite realized how prolific Stax and its associated labels were in the late '60s and early '70s—Booker T & The MG's, Otis Redding, Isaac Hayes, the Staple Singers, Carla Thomas, Sam & Dave, Aretha Franklin, The Bar-Kays, Al Green, early Ike & Tina Turner, Johnnie Taylor, Rufus Thomas—they were basically the Motown of the South, and their output was more prodigious than I ever realized, thus prompting me to buy the book that chronicles the history of Stax.

I always thought the name "Stax" was a play on words as in "stacks of wax", but it was actually an amalgam of its founders, Jim STewart and Estelle AXton.  Not unlike Motown, the Stax recording studio was active day and night in the late '60s, and local white musicians like bassist Donald "Duck" Dunn and guitarist "Play it" Steve Cropper (you may know them better from the Blues Brothers) would work together with black singers, musicians and producers like Isaac Hayes and David Porter, among many others, to produce some damn fine music, and color was never an issue, even in the racially-divided Deep South.  I was also totally unaware of an event that took place in 1972 at the L.A. Coliseum called Wattstax--a soul/R&B Woodstock featuring Mr. Hayes (aka "Chef" to you "South Park" fans).  You can read all about it on the 'net, but suffice to say that this museum did a great job of resurrecting the history of Stax, right down to the building itself, which is a replica of the old movie theater they converted into a recording studio, which was subsequently torn down in the late '80s after Stax went out of business.  The museum was built on the exact same spot, and it's totally worth the trip through a rather seedy neighborhood to get there.  An A+ in my book!

"CALLIN' ELVIS—IS ANYBODY HOME?..."
I paid a courtesy call to Elvis next, but being as it was Saturday and there was a two-hour wait for the mansion tour, and being as I'd done it before anyway, I decided to pass.  I merely roamed around and snapped a few photos of Elvisland, which is a major tourist trap.  The graffiti on the outer walls of Graceland is mildly entertaining, mainly because most of these people can't spell worth a damn...







DOWNTOWN MEMPHIS
I was rather impressed with Memphis' new minor league baseball stadium, Autozone Park, located just a couple blocks from the Beale Street entertainment district.  Looks like a great place to watch a ballgame, and it fits in perfectly with its surroundings.  I also checked out a nice park on the west side of downtown that features several Civil War-related statues and overlooks the mighty Mississippi and Mud Island, which houses an outdoor amphitheater.  Between all that and Beale Street, I find it rather pathetic that a city the size of Memphis can blow away Kansas City when it comes to downtown attractions.  I hope to hell this new Power & Light District/Sprint Center helps reverse that trend...

SMITHSONIAN ROCK & SOUL MUSEUM
Attached at the hip to the new FedEx Forum arena is the Smithsonian Rock & Soul Museum, which is rather generalized, but still worth a look.  One major thing I took away from it was the impact of the first black-owned radio station in America, WDIA AM 1070 in Memphis, which still plays old school R&B to this day.  I had never ever heard of them before, but apparently they were quite instrumental in the success of Stax Records, as well as Soul music in general (the black version of Country music's WSM in Nashville, if you will).  If nothing else, the Smithsonian thing was worth it alone for having Isaac Hayes' gold-plated 1972 Cadillac pimp-mobile on display!

More to come later...

Thus endeth another road trip...

I have returned!  As you can see, I did indeed find the Cadillac with Tennessee plates, and I had an awesome sojourn through the Mid-South and enjoyed myself thoroughly in Memphis and Nashville.  Let's put it this way, about all I have to complain about on this trip was the weather (muckin' fuggy, esp. in Memphis), the traffic lights (they suck in Tennessee), too many panhandlers in Memphis and a few noisy knuckleheads at the hotels I stayed at.  Beyond that, I accomplished pretty much everything I set out to do in what was the first road trip I've ever done that didn't involve a sporting event.  This wound up being the Musical History Tour for me, and it turned out to be very educational, too.



It doesn't appear that I missed a whole helluva lot while I was gone, either—all I heard on the radio and TV all weekend was "Sopranos"-this and Paris Hilton-that—great timing on my part.  I will share more photos and stories from the trip, but I'm beat and reality is setting in that it's time to put the cow horns back on the Cadilliac (Pontiac?) and change the message on the Code-A-Phone, i.e., I gotta go back to work tomorrow.  Much more to come later...

Alright, hold tight--I'm a Highway Star...

Time once again to put the ol’ blog on hiatus for a bit whilst I do a little road trip. I’m heading to Memphis in the meantime lookin' for the Cadillac with Tennessee plates, not to mention hanging out with Elvis on Saturday, then visiting a new destination for me on Sunday, the capitol of Country Music (and Tennessee), Nashville. I might return home Monday night, or if I’m having a really good time, I’ll be home sometime Tuesday.

I'll give your regards to Charlie Daniels and/or John Hiatt if I should bump into either of them...

Adios, amigos!

"They Died Young"--Volume III

'80s/'90s THROW-AWAYS
It just amazes me how multi-million dollar projects like sports arenas can become irrelevant or outdated so quickly in this day and age.  What was once deemed "state-of-the-art" is already obsolete in many cases, and it’s incredible how some indoor sports venues become so useless so rapidly.  Here’s a look at a few examples:

MIAMI ARENA
There was a time when Miami had trouble attracting indoor sports franchises because the city didn’t have a suitable arena to play in.  Now, they have too many!  Miami Arena opened in 1988 as the home of the NBA's Miami Heat and Univ. of Miami basketball teams, and later served as the first home of the NHL’s Florida Panthers.  Nice arena, but with two major flaws:  1) it had no luxury suites (a curse that has befallen more than a few sports arenas before their time), and 2) it sits on the edge of a really bad neighborhood.  By the late ‘90s, both pro teams built separate new arenas—the Heat moved about three blocks down the street by the bay and the Panthers moved up to Broward County to an arena that's already had three different corporate names since it opened in 1998.  The U. of M. stayed on at Miami Arena for a while, but they opened their own place on campus in 2003 and the "Pink Elephant" has been shuttered and mostly likely is doomed to be demolished soon.

CHARLOTTE COLISEUM
This gargantuan arena, once known as "The Hive", also opened in 1988 and was home of the expansion Charlotte Hornets of the NBA, and was also considered a premier venue for NCAA Tournament games, including the 1994 Final Four.  The Coliseum got off to a rocky start too, as its huge eight-sided main scoreboard broke loose and crashed to the floor the day after it opened in '88.  In spite of holding nearly 23,000 fans, the Coliseum was done in by the same tactical error that closed Miami Arena—no luxury suites.  That, combined with a dickhead owner (George Shinn), caused the Hornets to bolt for New Orleans in 2002.  The NBA quickly granted Charlotte a new franchise, the Bobcats, who played their first season in 2004-05 at the Coliseum until their fancy new downtown digs opened, and the Coliseum closed for good later in 2005 and was demolished just last weekend.  One would think you could get at least 20 years out of a new arena these days…

THE PYRAMID
One of the more clever arena designs ever conceived is The Pyramid in Memphis.  They figured since their namesake city in Egypt had pyramids, why couldn’t they?  This beautiful glass and steel structure is the 3rd-largest pyramid in the world and opened in 1991 as home of the U. of Memphis basketball team, as well as concerts and tractor pulls, et al.  That ol’ no-suites bugaboo struck here too, and when the Vancouver Grizzlies of the NBA moved to town, it was contingent upon building a new suite-laden downtown arena, thus the FexEx Forum was put up right next to the Beale Street entertainment district.  Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band closed out The Pyramid with a concert on February 3rd of this year, and now the building awaits its fate, although it may be spared the wrecking ball because the city still owes a shitload of money on it—Dick Clark might call it the "$33 Million Pyramid".  There is talk of converting it into a Bass Pro Shops outdoorsman emporium or perhaps a casino or aquarium.  Worse comes to worse, they could always turn the place into a Super Mega Hooters...

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'70s THROW-AWAYS
This phenomenon of going through sports arenas like used cars isn’t confined to the ‘80s and ‘90s, either—several ‘70s venues barely even lasted 25 years.

THE OMNI
The funky-looking Omni in Atlanta with its waffle iron-like roof was home to the dreaded Hawks of the NBA and the expansion Flames of the NHL when it opened in ’72.  It even hosted the NCAA Final Four in 1977, but Atlanta sports fans have this aversion to supporting losing teams, and the Flames bolted to Calgary in 1980, while the Hawks labored in mediocrity for nearly two decades (except during their halcyon days with Dominique Wilkins and Spud Webb).  The Omni decayed rapidly over that time, and Atlanta managed to snag a new NHL team, the Thrashers, so a new arena was needed.  Nextdoor neighbor CNN aired The Omni’s implosion live on July 26, 1997 and Philips Arena was built on the site.

CAPITAL CENTRE
The Capital Centre in suburban Landover, MD outside Washington, DC opened a year after The Omni, and lured the NBA’s Bullets out of Baltimore, as well as the expansion Capitals of the NHL, and also served as home to the Georgetown Hoyas basketball team.  The Cap Centre, with it’s distinctive saddle-shaped roof, was the first indoor sports arena to employ video replay screens, but was not well-regarded by fans because of its dark and depressing seating area (except during concerts when it was supposed to be dark anyway).  Perhaps the most famous event at the Cap Centre was the OT marathon in Game 7 of the 1987 NHL playoffs between the Caps and the New York Islanders where Pat LaFontaine of the Isles poked in the game-winner at 8:47 of the 4th overtime.  By the mid ‘90s, the place showed its age too, and was replaced in 1997 by the "Insert-cellphone-company-name-here" Center in DC, just a few blocks from the White House.  The Cap Centre sat vacant for five years and was imploded on December 15, 2002.

McNICHOLS ARENA
Denver’s McNichols Sports Arena was a rather nondescript flat white arena built into a hillside nextdoor to Mile High Stadium that opened in 1975.  It was home of the ABA/NBA Denver Nuggets, the NHL’s Colorado Rockies (not to be confused with the baseball team of the same name) from 1976-82, several minor league hockey teams in the ‘80s and ‘90s, and finally the NHL’s Colorado Avalanche, who won the Stanley Cup in their first season in Denver in 1995-96.  Quite possibly "Big Mac"'s biggest claim to fame happened in 1976 during the old American Basketball Association's All-Star Game festivities, which featured one of the first slam dunk competitions ever held, where Julius "Dr. J." Erving electrified the crowd with an unforgettable running slam dunk for which he became airborne literally at the free throw line.  The NBA soon copied this event for their own All-Star weekend events.  But, just like its fellow '70s-era arena brethren, McNichols had very few extra amenities and fell to the wrecking ball in the summer of 1999 to make room for more parking for the Denver Broncos' new stadium, while the Nuggets and Avs moved about a mile away to the new Pepsi Center on the edge of downtown.

What I find really ironic about the above three venues is that the arenas they were built to replace are still standing and still in use.  Atlanta's Alexander Memorial Coliseum is still home to Georgia Tech basketball, Baltimore Civic Arena (now known as First Mariner Center) still houses indoor soccer's Baltimore Blast, and Denver Coliseum, former home of the Nuggets, still hosts small concerts, rodeos and circuses on a regular basis.

Current events and such

REALITY VS. "REALITY"
Big story in K.C. and around the country the last few days has been the Kelsey Smith abduction and murder.  Very tragic indeed, and my condolences go out to her friends and family, and it’s a shame there wasn’t a happy ending here.  But, I’m at least glad that her body was found relatively quickly and that this didn’t turn into another one of those protracted ordeals with the nightly news updates like the Natalee Holloway thing that the media gets a hold of simply because a pretty white girl was the victim.  Don't mean to be insensitive here, but couldn't you just see ol’ Greta Van Susterererern chomping at the bit, wanting to make this case her own personal cause and solve the mystery?  Do you think this story would have garnered as much media coverage if Kelsey Smith was an ugly black, Hispanic or Asian girl?  Hell, no—the media wouldn’t have given two shits about her (probably not even one shit).  Once again, what should have remained a local story got picked up by the national networks and they milked it for ratings.  Thanks to them, we have probably been given every little detail about this girl’s life, right down to her shoe size as well as her bra size, but what about all the other victims of this same kind of crime—how come all those other discarded souls out there don’t get equal time?  We viewers are just as guilty when it comes this kind of hypocrisy too (me included)—this kind of thing happens every day in this country, but only when the affluent, attractive ones are the victims do we seem to give a damn.

I also love how all the radio talk show people and TV news people suddenly morph into armchair police detectives and experts on crime and parking lot security when something like this happens.  I heard this idiot radio hostess this morning saying, "That girl should have fought and kicked and scratched to get away from this guy..." (or words to that effect).  Don’t you think she tried all that, but was unable to?  And then there was that know-it-all Nancy Grace bitch on CNN last night commenting on the "person of interest" in the security camera video (before he was arrested):  "Don’t you think this person would have come forward by now to let the authorities know that he WASN’T the guy who did this?"  Duhhhh, because he probably IS the one WHO DID IT, numb-nuts!  Dammit, what I wouldn't give for Homey The Clown to whop that woman over the head with his sock just once…

While I’m on media hypocrisy, could someone please explain to me one more time why I should give a good Goddamn about these no-talent drunken bimbos like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Nicole Richie going in and out of rehab and/or jail?  I must be a jaded old fuck, because I just don’t get why we (as a society) make celebrities out of these twits, much less obsess over their downfalls the way people do.  George Carlin was damn right:  "It’s a great country, but it’s a straaaange culture!"  Get a fucking life, America!!!

HEY, NIEDERMAYER!!!
Congrats to my boy Scott Niedermayer and the Anaheim Ducks for winning the Stanley Cup last night!  He was always a favorite player of mine during his time with the New Jersey Devils and their three Stanley Cup wins, and was very instrumental in my own fantasy hockey championship this season, so it was great to not only see him hoist the Cup as the Mighty Quacks’ captain, but also to see him win the Conn Smythe Trophy as the playoff M.V.P.  Now that the hockey season is over, there will be a spike in razor and shaving cream sales as the players shed their "playoff beards".

The NHL also needs to address their abysmally low TV ratings for the finals, where they were getting drubbed nightly by "Dukes of Hazzard" reruns (I think that episode with the car chase in it was on last night).  Hell, even test patterns were outdrawing hockey this week.  No doubt the 2004-05 labor dispute/lockout has a lot to do with people tuning out, but it’s still a great game, and I hope they turn things around soon.  One thing they’ve gotta do is get on a more prominent TV network, and for Pete's sake, shorten the damn playoffs!  It takes two full months to do four playoff rounds, and if the Finals had gone the distance, they would have played Game 7 next Monday.  Even though I love hockey to death, it’s nuckin’ futs that they’re still playing in June.  Hockey is a winter sport—they should either start the regular season earlier or shorten it, play doubleheaders, whatever—anything to ensure the playoffs end by Memorial Day, at the latest…

There also may be some merit to what others have suggested that there are too many teams in the NHL, thus diluting the talent pool and caliber of play.  Contraction might not be such a bad thing in this case—do we really need two teams in L.A.?  Three teams in the New York area?  Two in Florida?  Do we really need the Phoenix Coyotes at all?  Something to think about…

S’LONG TRENT, BEEN GOOD TA KNOW YA…
The Trent Green/Chiefs soap opera finally came to an end this week, as they finally worked out a trade with the Miami Dolphins.  Hate to see him go, but it’s time.  He had a great run here, but his best days are behind him as a player, and the Chiefs need to move on and I really think Green should retire—he’s one more concussion away from being a vegetable.  Trent's crazy if he thinks he's going to play another 3-4 years, but hey, more power to him if he does...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #34
"The Beat Goes On"—SONNY & CHER (1967) "Charleston was once a rage, uh-huh…" Sonny sang it like he was saying something about Charo, the singer, not Charleston, the '20s dance craze.  "Charo’s tits were once a rage, uh-huh..."  Would’ve fit right in long about 1973…

LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, ALREADY!
Seems that the Fred Phelps’ clan of Neanderthals was at it again this week, stirring up trouble while picketing another soldier’s funeral in Nebraska, for which Phelps’ sister/overzealous lawyer Shirley Phelps-Roper was arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  Seems that her ten-year-old son was involved, standing/stomping on an American flag as part of their protest over our country’s alleged harboring of gay people.  "Every symbol of the rebellious, doomed America must necessarily be disrespected," Phelps-Roper said.  "We did our duty today to our God and fellow man.  Our job is to cause this nation to know her abomination.  The thing they worship, the flag, is worthless. It's a piece of cloth."

Okay, I'm hardly a flag-waver here, and I don't believe in all that symbolism crap, but this is pretty low-rent stuff, and I have a news flash for you, Shirl—there are homosexuals in every blasted country in the world!  And if y’all hate this country so damn much, then do the rest of us a big fucking favor and move to another country and do your protesting there, preferably somewhere in the Middle East.  I swear, these weirdos mystify me—it's as if they live just to spread hate and ugliness, and I can't help but wonder—what's in it for them?  I also can't help but wonder why any heterosexual man who can see clearly would fuck this woman even once!  I think I'd rather be queer than sleep with that ugly bitch...

It's STILL Rock 'N' Roll to me...

One of the coolest things about Rock ‘N’ Roll is it has the power to overcome the bullshit that even its own creators sometimes put forth and make you forget all about their pettiness, stupidity, arrogance, politics, etc., and it makes you remember what drew you to them in the first place.  For me, Ted Nugent is Exhibit A of that phenomenon.  As much as I’ve grown to dispise him these last few years for the things he’s said and what he represents to me now, I have to say that his music still stands up (most of it, anyway) after tracking through it this week.  I can't think of any other person I've ever been a major fan of who I've completely turned on like I have with Nugent (although Gene Simmons is pushing his luck with me, big-time), but even though he’s a complete dickhead to me now, this man was once my Rock ‘N’ Roll idol, and now I remember why…

The "Motor City Madman" first came to fame as a member of Detroit’s Amboy Dukes, one of the first American hard Rock bands to emerge in the late ‘60s, who were best known for the classic "Journey To The Center of The Mind", as well as a primal remake of Joe Williams’ "Baby, Please Don’t Go" (later a Nugent concert staple).  The early lineup of the group clashed with Nugent’s anti-drug stance and most of them were replaced by the early ‘70s and Nugent added his name to the band’s official name.  The best album from the Amboy Dukes era was the final one, 1974’s Tooth, Fang & Claw, which featured the classic "Great White Buffalo" and a manic version of Chuck Berry’s "Maybelline".

Ted went solo (if you want to call it that—he still had a steady band) in 1975, and began working with singer-guitarist Derek St. Holmes on the eponymous Ted Nugent album, featuring the classic "Stranglehold" as well as "Hey Baby", which wound up being a fairly sizeable hit, and still gets regular airplay today on the radio and is also a bar-band standard.  St. Holmes’ smooth vocals combined with Nugent’s guitar playing was a formidable combination on tracks like "Stormtroopin’", "Just What The Doctor Ordered" and the hidden gem "Queen of The Forest", but Ted’s ego couldn’t handle having another member of his band—especially a good-looking one that female fans were partial to—stealing any of the spotlight from him, so for 1976’s Free-For-All, he brought in the then-unknown Meat Loaf to sing on several tracks just a year before he got really big (both literally and figuratively).  Even with his diminished role, St. Holmes still sang on standout tracks "Dog Eat Dog" and a personal favorite of mine, "Turn It Up".

The high point of Nugent’s career is 1977-78, as by that time he was selling out arenas and stadiums across the land on the strength of the Cat Scratch Fever LP.  The title track even made the Top 40 (at the height of the disco era, no less), and the album included the classic "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang", as well as three grossly underrated Nugent songs, "Sweet Sally", "Out of Control" and the instrumental "Home Bound".  Double Live Gonzo! followed in ’78 and documented Nugent in concert quite well, featuring a good mix of old and new songs (including "Yank Me, Crank Me" and "Gonzo"), but curiously, nothing from Free-For-All.  The album is worth it alone for Nugent’s stage raps—"Anybody wants to get mellow, you can turn around and get the fuck outta here!"; "This guitar can blow the balls of a charging rhino at 60 paces…"; "This is a love song—I wanna dedicate this to all that Nashville pussy…" (hence the band named Nashville Pussy).  Gonzo! was Nugent’s finest hour, in my opinion, and probably my second-favorite live album of all-time behind Kiss Alive!.

(Yes, I know, Alive! was loaded with overdubs and wasn’t totally live, but Kiss ain’t the only major band guilty of this practice--Cheap Trick At Budokan wasn’t all live either, nor was Frampton Comes Alive, and I have my suspicions that neither of W.A.S.P’s "live" albums were truly live at all! But I digress…)

Derek St. Holmes left Nugent to form Whitford-St. Holmes with Brad Whitford of Aerosmith during that band’s temporary disintegration in the late ‘70s, and Ted replaced him with singer-guitarist Charlie Huhn.  Huhn’s a decent singer, but he didn’t command near as much attention from the fans as St. Holmes did—just the way Nugent wanted it—but still, the next couple albums weren’t too shabby.  Although Weekend Warriors wasn’t chuck-full of hits, it was a very solid effort with great tunes like "Need You Bad", "I Got The Feelin’", "Cruisin'" and the title track.  State of Shock followed in 1979 with Nugent branching out a little by including a ballad called "Alone" (sung by Huhn) about his divorce from his wife Sandra (who later was killed while driving drunk in 1982) and a terrific cover version of George Harrison’s underrated Beatles tune "I Want To Tell You".  The album’s opening track, "Paralyzed", featured Ted playing with his wah-wah (pedal), and "Snake Charmer", "Bite Down Hard" were both standout tracks.  Then things began to unravel…

Nugent stumbled into the ‘80s with Scream Dream, an album I really liked at the time, but one that hasn’t aged well with me over the years, particularly because of sophomoric songs like "Wango Tango" and "Terminus Eldorado".  The wheels came off altogether in 1981 with the release of Intensities In 10 Cities, a live album that featured ten new tracks, each recorded in a different city while on tour.  As if the contrived album title wasn’t bad enough, the songs were even worse with bullshit macho bravado like "My Love Is Like A Tire Iron", "Spontaneous Combustion", "The Flying Lip Lock" and a really lame version of Wilson Pickett’s "Land of 1000 Dances" (which is a lame song to begin with, IMHO).  "Terrible Ted" was living up to his nickname here—that album was just abysmal!

Nugent’s career hit rock bottom with Intensities, and he never has fully recovered from it.  Long about that same time, Epic Records dropped him like a bad habit, and Ted also went bankrupt (blaming other people he had hired for it, rather than looking in the mirror first), but just when everyone was about to write him off, he made a nice little comeback after resurfacing on Atlantic Records with 1982’s Nugent album, and oh, what a coincidence—Derek St. Holmes was back!  Suddenly, the songwriting and vocals improved and the record was pretty solid, featuring songs like "Good And Ready", "Fightin’ Words" and "Bound And Gagged", Nugent’s reaction to the Iran hostage crisis that he sang with great gusto, back when his psuedo-patriotism actually seemed sincere.  Unfortunately, the reunion with St. Holmes was short-lived, and Nugent slid backwards with 1984’s Penetrator, featuring singer Brian Howe (who later joined Bad Company) and most of Billy Squier’s band, plus something I never thought I’d hear on a Ted Nugent record (gulp!)—synthesizers!  Little Miss Dangerous in 1986 was pretty lackluster too, and Nuge bottomed-out again in 1988 on the uninspired If You Can’t Lick ‘Em…Lick ‘Em, with Ted handling all the vocals himself.  Surprisingly, the result was downright dull—a rare description for any Nugent record.  The only halfway-decent track on that album was "That’s The Story Of Love", for which Nugent needed an assist from Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora just to reach mediocrity.

Then came the Damn Yankees era, which gave Ted a perfect excuse to abandon his own career for a while and play with two guys from bands he used to term "wimpy"—Tommy Shaw of Styx and Jack Blades of Night Ranger.  The two DY albums were highly successful, but Nugent's contribution to them is barely noticeable at times—they could have just as easily brought in Neal Schon of Journey or Craig Chaquico of Jefferson Starship and those albums would have sold just as well because the material was more of a draw than Nugent's name.  After recently watching a Damn Yankees concert video on VH-1 Classic, it really hit me how out-of-place the Rev. Theodosius Atrocious looked with this band—sorta like if David Lee Roth joined Toto or something...

Nugent somehow managed to re-emerge in 1995 with his best album in years, Spirit of The Wild, and wouldn’t you know it, Derek St. Holmes was back again!  Anyone notice a pattern here?  The album went largely unnoticed, but I thought it was a damn good record with St. Holmes’ vocals standing out on "Heart And Soul" and the title track.  It also included a song Nugent originally recorded in 1989 for some wildlife cause called "Fred Bear".  Even though I couldn’t give a monkey’s spleen about hunting, I still think it’s a cool song all the same.  Spirit also contains what has become a Nugent concert staple, "Kiss My Ass", replete with its role call of people who chafe Ted’s hiney—the Clintons, Janet Reno, Howard Stern, liberals, et al.  I simply substitute Dubya, Cheney, Geraldo, Bill O’Reilly, Barry Bonds, etc., when I sing along to it and the song works just dandy!

Sadly, we haven’t heard much musically from Sweaty Teddy since then, just a lot of radical right wing vitriol and bigotry, but I’ve been through that already (see my December entry "Fallen Idols").  I do have one new little point about Ted that I previously omitted:  if Nugent is so gung-ho about the military and defending his country, then where was he during the Vietnam War?  Oh, that’s right—his tour of duty then was with the Amboy Dukes, not the Armed Services…

My all-time Ted Nugent Top 10:

1) "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" [Live] (1978)

2) "Stormtroopin'" [Live] (1978)

3) "Turn It Up" (1976)

4) "Great White Buffalo" [Live] (1978)

5) "Motor City Madhouse" [Live] (1978)

6) "Just What The Doctor Ordered" (1975)

7) "Kiss My Ass" (1995)

8) "Bound And Gagged" (1982)

9) "Free-For-All" (1976)

10) "Home Bound" (1977)