The World Accordion To Weird Al

Time to salute one of my favorite music people ever, one young Alfred Matthew Yankovic, the greatest song parody-er on earth in this hemisphere.  Some people tend to blow him off as just a novelty act, but this guy is a freakin’ genius in my book, and if you need a good laugh or two, just throw on one of his CDs—or better still, his video collection on DVD—and you’ll find it quite difficult to remain in a pissy mood for long.

Al first came to fame via the legendary “Dr. Demento” radio show with “My Bologna”, his parody of The Knack’s “My Sharona”, which featured just Al on the accordion and drummer John "Bermuda" Schwartz banging out the beat on an empty suitcase.  They later even snagged an appearance with the late Tom Snyder on his “Tomorrow Show”, and before long, Al’s parodies were popping up on “Dr. Demento” with alarming regularity, like “Another One Rides The Bus”, “Eat It”, et al.  Al’s first album, produced by Rocker Rick Derringer, came out in 1983, and it featured not only parodies, but original material as well that was quite funny.  And on his 1984 release In 3D, Al introduced a regular feature on each album—a medley of cover songs done Polka-style, the first being “Polkas On 45”, which is a veritable classic comprised of Classic Rock tunes like “Smoke On The Water”, “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” and “My Generation”, et al.

As time wore on, it became a true sign of success if Weird Al did a parody of your song, and most artists have been pretty good sports about being lampooned by Al, apart from that pretentious pussy Prince, who won’t allow Al to touch his precious songs.  I called Weird Al a “genius” in my opening paragraph because it’s harder than it looks to do what he does and be so brilliant.  Hell, anyone can make fun of a line or two in any given song.  During my burger-flipping days in the early ’80s, my co-workers and I laid waste to many a line from popular ‘80s songs—Foreigner‘s “Juke Box Hero” became “She’s a big...fat...zero”, Loverboy’s “Workin’ For The Weekend” became “Everybody’s jerkin’ off this weekend…”, Frida’s “I Know There’s Something Going On” morphed into “There’s something on my dong…”—sophomoric stuff like that.  Even Weird Al himself didn’t escape our efforts—we changed the “Ricky” lyric from “I want you too Lucy, too Lucy—let’s babaloo, Lucy” to “I want to screw Lucy, screw Lucy…”  A parody of a parody—what a concept!

That's nothing, however, compared with W.A. Yankovic's body of work.  To take an existing song and change its lyrics into something totally different, remaining within the parameters of the tune's arrangement, all the while maintaining a cohesive theme throughout is no mean feat, and Weird Al is the absolute master of this.  Prime examples are “Yoda” (borrowed from The Kinks’ “Lola”), Michael Jackson’s “Bad”, which became “Fat” and “Lump” by the Presidents of The United States of America, which became “Gump” (as in Forrest).  A few of his parodies did fall flat, like “Lasagna” (for “La Bamba”) and "Girls Just Wanna Have Lunch" ("Fun"), but for every clunker, there are numerous other gems like “Living With A Hernia” ("Living In America") and “I Want A New Duck” ("I Want A New Drug").  It just blows my mind how Al is able to consistently put these parodies together and make them work.  And as good as the parodies are, Al’s videos for them are often even funnier.  Check out “Gump” or “Bedrock Anthem” or “Amish Paradise”—I fucking dare you not to laugh!

I caught Weird Al live in concert with some friends a few years back, and his show is a total hoot.  He was just in town last night, in fact, but I didn’t have the cash (or anyone else) to attend the show with, but I’m sure it was good stuff.  He’s had the good fortune to work with an outstanding back-up band—guitarist Jim West, the aforementioned drummer John Schwartz and bassist Steve Jay—and these guys can literally play any style of music, from Hard Rock to Hip-Hop to Techno-Pop, and play it well.  In addition to the live music, Al augments his concerts with these hilarious video clips, many of which are those old instructional films from the 1950s “duck and cover” genre, and they are hysterical!  Sadly, due to licensing restrictions, Al isn’t able to include those in his concert video releases, but he also throws in his own little segments that are quite funny too.. While those clips play during the concert, the band retreats backstage to change into a different set of outfits that replicate Al’s music videos, like the Devo suits for “Dare To Be Stupid” or the Star Wars regalia for “The Saga Begins” or the flannels for “Smells Like Nirvana”, which was a high-point of the show I attended—anything that pokes fun at Kurt Cobain is okey-dokey in my book!

My All-Time Weird Al Yankovic Top 20:
20) “This Song’s Just Six Words Long” (1988)  Good-natured parody of George Harrison’s “I Got My Mind Set On You” (which George didn’t write).  “Couldn’t think of any lyrics/No, I didn’t write no lyrics/So, I’ll just sing any ol’ lyrics…”
19) “Headline News” (1994)  Parody of “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by the Crash Test Dummies (whoever they are/were).  The video for this one skewers the whole Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan thing, as well as the Lorena Babbitt “thing”, and some serious caning issues too.
18) “Buckingham Blues” (1983)  One of Al’s first originals, all about Prince Charles and Princess Diana.  It was a helluva lot funnier before she died, though—ten years ago this week, as we’re about to be reminded on TV.  Love the line about how they never had to have “a meal made by Chef Boy-Ar-Dee!”
17) “Hot Rocks Polka” (1989)  One of Al’s many polka compilations, this one takes on Mick and Keith and the boys quite succinctly.
16) “The Brady Bunch” (1984)  Dandy parody of Men Without Hats’ “Safety Dance” that begs one not to tune in to that vapid show about that man named Brady…
15) “Mr. Popeil” (1984)  Dead-on rip-off of The B-52’s (musically) that just makes you want to dial that toll-free number and order that damned Garden Weasel!
14) “Yoda” (1985)  There hadn’t been a Star Wars flick release for a couple years, but it didn’t seem to matter when Al dusted off The Kinks‘ classic "Lola" and re-tooled it to suit Dagobah's favorite 900-year-old, three-foot-nothing, sentence structure butchering citizen to a fucking tee!  A classic, it is...
13) “I Want A New Duck” (1985)  Huey Lewis never sounded better!  Al took this tune and showed the world how to “get down” (get it?).
12) “Another One Rides The Bus” (1981)  Queen classic re-tooled to even include the politically-incorrect line, “I haven’t been in a crowd like this since I went to see The Who…”
11) “Smells Like Nirvana” (1992)  Everything from the album cover to the video here just slays that little ol’ band from Seattle (rhymes with “cattle”).  Kurt Cobain was the so-called “spokesman for a generation”, but he didn’t have a damn thing to say, and I love how Weird Al cut him down to size here.
10) “Amish Paradise” (1994)  Parody of Coolio‘s “Gangsta’s Paradise”, which was (in its own warped way) a parody of Stevie Wonder’s 1976 tune “Pastime Paradise”, during which we “party like it‘s 1699.”  The video of “Amish” features a cameo appearance by Florence Henderson of “The Brady Bunch”, and as Al implores, “don’t be vain, and don’t be whiney—or I might have to get medieval on your hiney!”
9) “Living With A Hernia” (1986)  Video for which Al does James Brown even better than James Brown ever did!  It also includes a valuable anatomy lesson on the various types of hernias one can suffer.
8) “Eat It” (1984)  Rather ironic how Al recites all these rich foods one should eat when he’s a real-life Vegan.  This was Mr. Yankovic’s 2nd-best Michael Jackson parody….
7) “Fat” (1988)  A here’s his numero uno Jacko parody!  One must view the video for this to really get the “full Monty” of Al’s lampoonery.
6) “Bedrock Anthem” (1993)  “Yabba-dabba-yabba-dabba-DOO-now!”  F. Flintstone woulda loved this...
5) “I Lost On Jeopardy!” (1984)  Art Fleming, Don Pardo, Dr. Demento and Greg Kihn all participated in this classic video that parodied a classic game show and a pretty decent G. Kihn song to boot.
4) “Christmas At Ground Zero” (1986)  Quite possibly the funniest yuletide song ever.  I love the line “the radio just let us know that this is NOT a test…”
3) “Gump” (1994)  Not unlike with “Smells Like Nirvana”, Al takes a piece o' crap Alternative Rock song and makes it sound good!  The video for this one is just priceless (even though Tom Hanks didn’t participate in it).  Still, Gump's a household name...
2) “Polkas on 45” (1984)  Oh, mercy—Devo, Deep Purple, The Who and Jimi Hendrix all on the accordion in one classic song?  Only in America, folks…
1) “Dare To Be Stupid” (1985)  "Put down that chainsaw and listen to me..." kicks off this totally reverent tribute to Devo.  This is Weird Al’s finest original tune, featuring the classic line “You gotta squeeze all the Charmin you can, while Mr. Whipple’s not around.” Words I desperately try to live by…

The Heat Wave Is Ovah!

THANK YOU, MOTHER NATURE!
Finally, some tolerable weather in K.C. to enjoy!  A lovely cold front came through here last night and dropped the temp. and humidity to more humane levels after we’ve spent almost exactly one month in the mid-‘90s or higher virtually every day.  They’re even predicting lows later this week around 60.  In the words of Airman Adrian Cronauer, "Me without my muff!"

MEET THE NEW BLOG…
In my recent surfing travels, I came across the blog of one Dr. Sardonicus, and found it quite entertaining.  He and I seem to be kindred spirits musically, so I added him to my required reading list.  Hell, anyone who advocates listening to Motorhead can’t be all bad…

NICE TRY
To the palooka who attempted to con me into posting his for-profit website url under the guise of a "comment" on my blog—I ain’t fallin’ for it, buddy!  For this very reason, I highly recommend that those of you with blogs of your own moderate all incoming comments.  I’m pretty benevolent about accepting whatever comments come to me, whether I agree with them or not, and this is the first one I’ve actually rejected in nine months of blogging.  As Maj. Frank Burns once said, "Go peddle your petunias!"

THANKS FOR THE WARNING…My K.C. friends who read the paper regularly will understand where I’m coming from here.  This douche’s "gossip" columns are the epitome of vapidity.  One of these fine days, I’m going to do a complete blog entry on this grown man who uses such sophomoric phrases as "schmooze", "weather wonk", "beggar extraordinaire", "kiddie bopper" and "homeless dude" in his daily columns.





A ROYAL SCAM
Regular K.C. Star readers who are as tired as I am of seeing Hearne’s ugly mug all the time are also likely just as weary of seeing this ugly little fucker in the paper every day.  This "charity" sounds like a regal ripoff to me to begin with, but can’t they at least feature a slightly less hideous child in their ad? Screw the cancer thing—get this poor urchin an orthodontist already!  As Foghat sang in "Boogie Motel", this kid "has a smile like a beat-up piano."

FUNNY MAN RAY
I caught a portion of one of NBC’s numerous "Saturday Night Live" retrospective shows last night, during which they aired a clip of the late Ray Charles performing Johnny Nash’s "I Can See Clearly Now."  A good 30-40 seconds elapsed before I finally caught the irony there! I’m getting a little slow in my old age…

PUT THE MOUSE BACK IN THE HOUSE, BUDDY!
Seems this Senator Larry Craig from Idaho got busted for offering his Mr. Happy to an undercover cop in an airport toilet.  The guy now sounds like Mr. Garrison on "South Park" with all his "I’m not gay!" denials.  Apparently, he didn’t learn a thing from singer George Michael’s similar scandal a few years back.  That's right, Mr. Garrison!

BACK UP THOSE THREATS, ALREADY!
Once again, we’re being barraged by these law enforcement commercials about drunk driving, telling us that if we’re caught doing so, we’re going to jail.  I don’t disagree with their cause, but instead of lecturing us with these silly TV and radio spots, how about making an example of these celebrity twits like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson, Nicole Richie, et al, who keep getting busted for this?  Their message (the authorities', that is) would carry a helluva lot more weight if they could make a few of these convictions actually stick and force these spoiled celebrities and athletes to do real time in the pokey instead of letting them skate on it all the time.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #48
"Mother And Child Reunion"—PAUL SIMON (1972)  "The mother and child reunion is only a moment away."  I mistook "moment" for "motion".  Some 35 years later, I still don’t understand what this song is about, but I like it anyway.

SAVING SOMETHING FOR A RAINY DAY…
Speaking of classic Top 40 hits, I was listening to an all-time favorite of mine on the radio today, "Tears Of A Clown" by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles.  A lot of people don’t know that this song was actually recorded in 1967, but in what may well be the ultimate act of self-restraint in music history, Motown didn’t release the record until over three years later, and it eventually hit #1 around Christmastime, 1970.  If I ever meet Smokey, or even Motown founder Berry Gordy, Jr., I’d love to ask how on earth they could sit on a song that incredible for so long without putting it out?  As good as "Tears" was, it would surely have hit #1 just as easily in ’67 as it did in late, '70.

Join Together at the Who-tenanny!

I mention them often on this blog, but haven’t yet fully paid tribute to that nice little group from Shepherd’s Bush—The Who.  Although Kiss is my favorite Rock band of all-time, I consider The Who to be the greatest band of all-time.  Their music is so much more intense than most bands, to the point where you rarely hear cover versions of Who songs because their originals are so damn good!  Pete Townshend’s lyrics often have great personal meaning to me as well, and there is no denying the outstanding musicianship this band displayed.

I’ll spare you the history and minutiae of the band—it’s pretty self-evident anyway—and focus on why I love them so much.  You can actually thank Sir Elton John for making me a Who fan.  Growing up, I was unimpressed with The Who as my older sister nearly wore out her LP copy of the London Symphony Orchestra version of Tommy (on which The Who participated), and all that “Tommy, can you hear me?” stuff drove me bonkers!  BUT, when the Tommy movie came out in 1974, The Who were suddenly relevant to me merely because Sir Elton played the Pinball Wizard in the film.  Time has shown what a weird flick Tommy was, but to a 10-year-old like me, it was a real eye-opener.  Elton was splendid, of course (and I still prefer his rendition of “Pinball Wizard” over The Who’s to this day), but I was also drawn to Roger Daltrey in the lead role—is there not a better front man in Rock history?  I was also initially drawn to that crazy drummer, whom someone once accurately described as “a cross between Buddy Rich and Animal from the ‘Muppet Show’”.  Those other two guys didn’t really register with me at the time, but as the Wicked Witch of the West once said, “All in good time…”

“Squeeze Box” endeared me to The Who a little more in ‘75, and when “Who Are You?” came out just as school started in ‘78, I loved it.  Then came the news that Keith Moon had died of an accidental overdose, and I was very bummed by his passing.  This persuaded me to purchase my first Who LP in October, Who Are You, and that’s when I began to notice that funny-looking guitar player with the big nose who wrote most of their songs.  I took notice of him even more about a year later when my sister took me to see the outstanding biographical film The Kids Are Alright, especially the way he flailed his right arm around like a windmill while he played on stage and smashed up guitars and such—pretty boffo stuff.  The film also introduced me to this little song called “My Generation” that’s really cool, and another little song called “Baba O’Riley” (better known as “Teenage Wasteland” to some folks), as well as some little ditty about meeting some new boss who's just like the old one…

Kids was also my indoctrination on my all-time favorite member of The Who, one John Alec Entwistle.  I was instantly intrigued by this mysterious-looking dude with the spider webs on his bass who pretty much stood still the whole time in concert, yet looked so freakin’ cool playing the damn thing, all the same.  “The Ox” was impressive to watch as his fingers seemed to move as if totally separate from the rest of his body.  John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin—another outstanding bassist, to be sure—used to stand perfectly still in concert too, but he looked like a bland librarian compared with the mighty “Thunderfingers”.

“Big Johnnie Twinkle” intrigued me even more when I first heard his Who classic “My Wife” on the Kids soundtrack album, and I discovered the man’s wry sense of humor.  Entwistle excelled at providing a little comic relief to offset Pete Townshend’s more serious lyrics on Who albums—John wrote “Cousin Kevin” and “Fiddle About” for Tommy, “Success Story” (not to mention drawing the brilliant cover) for The Who By Numbers and three of his songs made the cut on Who Are You (“905”, “Had Enough” and “Trick Of The Light”).  On the albums the band made after Moon’s death, it was Entwistle’s tunes that were the strongest, like “The Quiet One” and “You” from Face Dances in 1981 and “Dangerous”, “It’s Your Turn” and “One At A Time” from It’s Hard in ’82.  And oh yeah, The Ox was also the horniest member of The Who, as he provided virtually all of the brass heard on Who albums.

And then there were JE’s solo albums, the first two of which (Smash Your Head Against The Wall from 1971 and 1972's Whistle Rymes) were quite good, and brought his “black humor” to the fore in tunes like “The Window Shopper” (all about a peeping Tom), “Pick Me Up (Big Chicken)” (all about a night at the pub having a few too many) and “I Wonder” (all about what life would be like if sharks could fly and if the moon went out, etc.).  The man was funny, no doubt about it.

And Holy Shit, Batman—what a fucking great musician this man was!  I would’ve paid damn good money to just watch him play bass all night.  I had the good fortune of catching JE on his 1998 solo tour in Olathe, KS on the night of his 54th birthday (when the clock struck Midnight anyway), and after the show, I stood in line and had him autograph my Who By Numbers CD insert.  To this date, John Entwistle is the only member of The Who that I’ve ever met, thus making him the greatest brush with greatness I’ve ever experienced, with the possible exception of swipe-tagging Ace Frehley of Kiss on his left arm following his solo show at The Lone Star in Westport in 1994.

It was a dark day for me on June 27, 2002 as I checked my e-mail and heard from my two closest friends in the world, Tom and Stacy—the latter of whom was kind enough to ask if I was okay upon learning of John‘s passing, knowing how much I idolized the guy.  It sucked even more to find out later that John went to his final reward thanks to a cocaine habit that exacerbated his pre-existing heart condition.  Very disappointing for a man who I always considered to be extremely intelligent, especially while staring at the concert ticket I’d already purchased for The Who’s show in Indianapolis in August that I was really looking forward to seeing him at…

And let’s not forget that “Nose on a Stick” as R. Daltrey affectionately refers to him.  Peter Dennis Blandford Townshend is quite possibly the most brilliant Rock ‘N’ Roll songwriter of all-time.  PT is one of the few people who’s been able to accurately tap into my anger and rage at life’s bullshit and unfairness. Quadrophenia alone is a towering manifesto about awkward teenage rage and angst.  I could go on and on about that, but I’ll save it for another time.

What I wouldn’t give to have seen The Who in concert in their prime during the ’70s with Keith Moon.  I first saw them live at Kemper Arena in 1980 with the good-but-not-great Kenney Jones on the drums, and was quite impressed.  The 1989 show at Arrowhead Stadium with the very capable Simon Phillips on drums was good also, in spite of the touring band being way too big.  The 1997 Quadrophenia show at Riverport in the burbs of St. Louis was so-so, despite young Zac Starkey "Starr"-ing on the drums, but my favorite was the August, 2000 Who show I caught at Reunion Arena in Dallas.  On that night, I saw Pete Townshend play with a passion I hadn’t seen before live in person (even at his advanced age) and I saw John Entwistle nearly bring the house down with his bass solo during “5:15”.  For you folks in Dallas, I was the fool in the back row of the upper deck in front of the hockey press box windmilling along with “Baba O’Riley” (and nearly breaking my left hand in the process by banging it on the wall) while the rest of you wine-and-cheese-party denizens sat on your hands all night, but I digress...

That 2002 show I reluctantly attended in Indy was also decent, with Pino Palladino replacing Entwistle on bass, but not even coming close to replicating his sound, and the show felt terribly empty to me minus “The Ox”.  Sadly since then, The Who (or as I prefer to call them “Who’s Left”) seems more like a lounge act to me, as Pete and Roger try to carry on as a duo with sidemen, and their 2006 release Endless Wire absolutely did not honk my hooter at all—even the dreadful Face Dances blows it away.  Even so, I never ever tire of hearing the music of this band...

My all-time Top 30 Who songs on earth in this hemisphere:
30) “Whiskey Man” (1966)  One of John Entwistle’s first recorded compositions which also features his underrated prowess on the French horn.
29) “I Can’t Explain” (1965)  Perennial concert opener and first true hit single for the band.  Some dude named Jimmy Page plays second guitar on the original…
28) “Success Story” (1975)  The “happy song” from Who By Numbers as Entwistle once called it (although “Squeeze Box” is fairly chipper as well).  Gotta love the line, “Back in the studio to make our latest #1/Take 276—you know this used to be fun…”
27) “Behind Blue Eyes” (1971)  A little drama from Pete, and since I have blue eyes and a fair amount of pent-up anger to boot, this song more than applies to my life.
26) “Substitute” (1966)  Another Who concert staple.  Nearly every time I do my laundry, I try to recite the line “At least I’ll get my washing done…”
25) “You” (1981)  Killer bass figure from The Ox on this one.  One of the two best songs from the disappointing Face Dances fiasco.
24) “Overture” (1969)  I swear, every time I hear this opener from Tommy and the horns kick in during the intro, the hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up!
23) “I Don’t Even Know Myself” (1970)  Rather obscure Who tune that was originally intended for what eventually became Who’s Next.  When I find myself in a pinch, I try to think of the line “The doors aren't shut as tight as they might seem…” and sometimes it actually works!
22) “Eminence Front” (1982)  This one was even a hit on R&B stations back in the day.  Great riff from Townshend and great bass from Big Johnnie Twinkle, which kinda goes without saying.
21) “Cry If You Want” (1982)  Even better song from It’s Hard than #22—I love songs with rapid-fire lyrics, especially songs that vent frustration like this one does.
20) [tie] “Our Love Was, Is”/"I Can’t Reach You” (1967)  Nearly identical twin tracks from the brilliant The Who Sell Out album that reflect Pete Townshend’s softer side and Pop tendencies.  Why neither of these weren’t hit singles during the so-called “Summer of Love” mystifies me.
19) “Join Together” (1972)  Underrated classic that taps into a bit of a communal Utopian attitude—a rarity for a Who record—that would‘ve fit in great at Woodstock.  Love the line “Do you really think I care, what you read or what you wear?”
18) “Had Enough” (1978)  Great JE track from Who Are You that I intentionally played during the waning moments of 1999, just in case the closing line “Here comes the end of the world…” came true with all the Y2K hoop-de-doo.  Not to be confused with PT's “I’ve Had Enough" from Quadrophenia [Also see #4].
17) “Song Is Over” (1971)  Another underrated tune from Who’s Next that features some beautiful piano and one of Roger Daltrey's dandiest vocal performances ever.
16) “New Song” (1978)  Stinging lead-off track from Who Are You.  Would like to think this was the direction the band would’ve taken if Keith Moon hadn’t died…
15) “Bell Boy” (1973)  Speaking of “Moon the Loon”, this was clearly his finest vocal performance ever.  I re-titled the song “Bus Boy” during my early working days at Waid’s Restaurant in the early ’80s since I was “Always running at someone’s bleedin’ heel…”
14) “A Legal Matter” (1965)  Early Who song that displayed Townshend’s sense of humor quite well.  “Just wanna keep on doing all the diddlin’ things I do/Not work in an office all day just to bring my money back to you—sorry, Baby!”
13) “Trick Of The Light” (1978)  Entwistle classic all about a poor sap who visits a lady of the evening to see if he’s still got it.  After a long personal dry spell of my own, I actually had the unmitigated gall to quote The Ox in bed (with someone very special whom I didn't have to pay for) after doing the dirty deed and stole his line, “So, was I alright?”  The answer was in the affirmative, thankfully.
12) “5:15” (1973)  Another highlight of the Quadrophenia album, and even bigger high point of The Who’s live act with Entwistle’s three-and-a-half-minute solo that could blow the balls off elks, stoats, goats, manatees, whatever—basically any critters that have balls...
11) “The Quiet One” (1981)  Hardest-rocking song off the wimpy Face Dances album, and the line “I ain’t quiet--everybody else is too loud,” could’ve easily been written about me.10) “I Can See For Miles” (1967)  The Who’s biggest hit single in America, and a damn good one.  Power chord heaven, too…
9) “My Wife” (1971)  John Entwistle’s signature song with The Who, and a damn funny one.  Yet another perennial concert staple, too.
8) “How Many Friends” (1975)  Very introspective tune from Townshend, and one that I relate to profusely.  “How many friends have I really got?/You can count ‘em on one hand…”
7) “See Me, Feel Me” (1969)  Tommy closer that’s about the closest thing I ever get to actually reciting a prayer.
6) “Baba O’Riley” (1971)  Power chord heaven, revisited.  The live version from The Kids Are Alright is absolutely killer stuff.
5) “Who Are You” (1978)  Better known to some folks as the “CSI” theme, this is the song that forever cemented my devotion to this band.  I think it might’ve had something to do with the repeated use of the word “fuck” during the song when I was 14…
4) “I’ve Had Enough” (1973)  “You were under the impression/That when you were walking forward/That you’d end up further onward/But things ain’t quite that simple!”  That line has always resonated with me, and this is one of my favorite “angry” songs of all-time.
3) “Shakin’ All Over” (1970)  Incredible live rendition of the Johnny Kidd & The Pirates classic that just rips the original to shreds.  Townshend was just on fire the night they recorded Live At Leeds on Valentine’s Day, 1970.
2) “My Generation” (1965)  Does this song not just want to make you raise your middle finger to anyone or anything who crosses you?  I know it has that affect on me.  It also features the world’s first Rock ‘N’ Roll bass solo.
1) “Won’t Get Fooled Again” (1971)  Listen to the live version off The Kids Are Alright soundtrack when Daltrey screams at the end.  It's guaranteed to curl your hair—even if you don’t have any!  Yet another middle-finger-raising song…

It's a dirty blog, but somebody's gotta do it...

Good gravy!  So much to talk about an it's only Monday...

VICK'S A DICK—OFFICIALLY
Time will tell if Michael Vick's apology today will ring true (although I do give him credit for actually ad-libbing it instead of reading a prepared statement like some illiterate and tongue-tied idiot), but he lost me when he played the Jesus card and said that he "axed Him for forgiveness".  Now, to all you Michael Vick sychophants, apologists, race card players and NAACP grandstanders:  Shut the fuck up—he admitted his guilt!  Stop claiming that he's being railroaded or mistreated just because he's Black (as if Black people never commit crimes).  I'd feel the same way about him if he was White, plaid, Hispanic, Asian, Vulcan, Koozbanian, whatever—do you think Peyton Manning, Tom Brady or Brett Favre would skate on something like this?  I don't think so!  And to all you PETA people and animal rights activists:  Shut the fuck up—you're getting what you wanted...

While I'm at it, why is it at press conferences there's always this phalanx of photographers snapping away in the background?  It's not as if we don't know what Vick looks like, and it's not as if his appearance changed from the beginning of the proceedings to the end—that constant cacophony of camera noises is quite annoying...

THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES
Wow, first Rumsfeld, then Rove, and now A.G. Alberto Gonzales is bailing on Dubya by resigning.  If one didn't know any better, one would swear there was something rather fucked-up about this current Presidential administration...

Speaking of Dubya, commuters around K.C. are still up in arms about his visit here last week during which his motorcade tied up traffic all over the city just so he could make a speech no one will ever believe, have a biscuit for breakfast and waste perfectly good taxpayer money all in one morning.  There hasn't been this much discord about traffic being diverted from downtown since U2 commandeered the city to make a video a few years back.  Dumb question, but why couldn't they have done that on a weekend, or any evening after 6:00 when downtown K.C. is a virtual ghost town anyway?  But I digress...

I'VE GOT GAS
I alertly filled up my gas tank on the way home today for $2.65 a gallon when I noticed another station had jacked up their gas to $2.79.  Let me guess—another potential hurricane is going to wipe out the Gulf of Mexico (and the oil wells thereof) just like Hurricane Dean did(n't) last week.  I don't suppose the price increase has anything to do with Labor Day weekend looming on the horizon, would it?  Naw, couldn't be...

NOT THAT I NEEDED ANY FURTHER PROOF...
...that my ex-idol Ted Nugent is a total fucking moron but here's some more, along with (unnecessary) further proof that Sean Hannity and the rest of those at Faux News Channel are nothing but shills and cheerleaders for the Republican Party.  As I've previously stated on this blog, when I was 14, I truly wanted to BE Ted Nugent.  Sadly, since the time I was 14, I've actually matured and grown as a person, which is more than I can say for Nugent.  I'm actually embarrassed to admit that I once idolized this putz...

SPEAKING OF FAUX NEWS CHANNEL...
...while killing time before work this morning, I tuned in FNC's vapid "Fox And Friends" program, featuring the staggeringly doofy Steve Doocy, who led in to the story about Hulk Hogan's son being injured in a car accident by saying, "If you have a TV, you may know about the reality show featuring Hulk Hogan..."  Duhhhh, Steve, if I didn't have a TV, I couldn't even watch you say, "If you have a TV," now could I?  This fucker is dumber than a box of rocks (and/or your average Sonic commercial)...

SPEAKING OF FAUX NEWS...
Check out some really bad news bloopers. And some more. And yet even more.

WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED?
Just finished watching Season 2 of "The Muppet Show" on DVD.  Great stuff indeed, but I'm at a loss as to how on some shows Jim Henson and crew would land "big fish" guest stars like Elton John, Bob Hope, Steve Martin and Gilda Radner, while on others, they'd have to settle for has-beens and never-weres like Jaye P. Morgan, Louise Lasser, Teresa Brewer and Zero Mostel.  Oh well, any time the Swedish Chef was on the show was cool with yours truly—Bork! x 3.

Up and running again...

BACK TO WHERE I ONCE BELONGED
Sorry I haven’t blogged a whole lot lately, but I’ve been tied up with other stuff around the homestead this week.  The weather finally cooled off enough to enable me to move the computer and big TV out of my air-conditioned “dorm room” (bedroom) that I’ve spent the last three weeks hiding in, thus I’ve spent most of the day rearranging furniture and such.

BLAME IT ON THE DRAIN…
…as the Weird Al parody of Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It On The Rain” goes. I’ve also been in preparation for the “Big Dig” in my front yard next week to repair my collapsed sewer drain, which has rendered me literally without a pot to piss in.  Washing dishes is no problem—I have plastic sink tubs for that, as well as for sponge bathing in—and I never used my sewer drain for laundry anyway because the floor drain is so inefficient that it floods my laundry room, so I just shoot that water out my back door.  However, I’m most grateful to the person who invented the 5-gallon bucket, which serves as my temporary toilet and I’ve gotten to know the Conoco convenience store down the hill from me fairly well, which I use for #2 when the need arises.  Yes, I know—too much information…

WORK FOR A LIVING? WHATCHU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS?
Seems that disgraced Colorado minister Ted Haggard is having money problems.  Y‘all remember him, doncha?  He‘s the one who was outed for being gay, then later claimed he was cured and is now "100% heteroseks-shul" again following intensive counseling and rehab.  Well, seems that he and his wife are in the poor house and are asking their supporters for some financial assistance during this difficult time in their lives while they continue their Bible studies for the next two years or so.  I may be stating the blatantly obvious here, but I don’t suppose it ever occurred to this fucker or his little wifey to actually go out and get a real job, did it?  This is what kills me about these so-called religious “leaders”—their sense of entitlement, especially when it comes to money.  Fuck you, Rev.—get your sorry ass out and earn a living like the rest of us for once!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #47
“Superstition”--STEVIE WONDER (1973)  “Very superstitious--ladder’s ‘bout to fall.”  Dopey 8-year-old me thought he sang, “Lettuce ‘bout to fall."  I always thought he sang “Superstition IS the way” instead of “ain’t” too.  Even dopier 8-year-old me didn't know that Stevie was blind when I first saw him on TV in 1973, so I thought he was merely being arrogant by constantly tossing his head around like he's prone to do.  I suppose I could make a joke like "I hope Stevie doesn't read this," here, but I won't...

SHOULD WE HOPE THEY DIE BEFORE THEY GET OLD?
“I know I piss a lot of people off when I say this, but I don’t like old people on a Rock ‘N’ Roll stage...me included.”—Grace Slick, Jefferson Airplane/Starship on VH-1’s “Behind The Music”.

Have to admit that I was taken aback just a little the first time I heard Grace’s words on VH-1 a few years ago, but as time wears on, I’m beginning to see what she meant by that statement.  It really hit home with me last week at my hotel in Minnesota while watching some PBS show late at night featuring recent performances by mostly British Invasion acts, and it was downright sad how silly some of them looked singing these songs from 40 some-odd years ago like the elderly (original, I'm assuming) lead singer of The Troggs trying to groove to “Wild Thing” like he was still in his ‘20s.  Eric Burdon of The Animals now resembles little more to me than Paulie from the Rocky movies.  Ever look at the guys in Pink Floyd during recent concert videos?  No small wonder they rely so heavily on lazers and visual effects because they look like a bunch of old farts, especially David Gilmour.  True, there are still some bands that can still bring it even at their advanced ages, like the Stones, The Who (before Entwistle died, anyway) and Kiss (in whose case, the wigs and make-up can hide a multitude of sins), but it’s becoming painfully obvious that Rock ‘N’ Roll is not aging gracefully at all. For further proof, get a load of these two...

SPEAKING OF THE UNHOLY ALLIANCE…
Seems odd for a band like Van Halen who now wants to pretend it’s 1984 all over again, to be busy trying to erase former bassist Michael Anthony from everyone’s collective memories by removing his songwriting credits from the 1984 album in the ASCAP database, among other things.  Mikey, to his credit, is taking the high road in all this.  Read all about it here.

Roamin' The Dome

It's quite possibly the most reviled sports venue in the world this side of the dearly-departed Veterans Stadium in Philly or perhaps Olympic Stadium in Montreal, but ironically I've attended more Major League Baseball games at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome in Minneapolis than any other ballpark except Kauffman Stadium and the recently-demolished Busch Stadium in St. Louis.  I paid yet another visit there Friday night as the Twins beat the Rangers 2-1 in 10 innings, and even though the place is unfit for baseball, I have a soft spot for it all the same, and I'm not sure why.  I think it might be the way the good people of Minnesota make the best of the situation there and make it as loud and unbearable for the opposing team as possible.  Still, I'll be so happy for those folks when they can once again go outside and watch baseball in the new Twins park in 2010—it's an absolute crime to be playing baseball indoors on such beautiful summer evenings like they have in the Upper Midwest.

About the only lucid thing the late Billy Martin ever uttered in his life was when he voiced his displeasure with the Metrodome, calling it a travesty to baseball, and adding, "It's too bad they named it after a great guy like Humphrey."  Strange irony that Martin's death was announced during a "Monday Night Football" broadcast of a Minnesota Vikings game that originated from the Metrodome on Christmas night, 1989.  Actually, the "Homerdome" isn't all that bad a football stadium, and as the Vikings continue to beg the state of Minnesota for money for a new stadium, I think they oughtta do like the group Parliament once advocated and "Tear The Roof Off The Sucker!"  Seems to me that after the Twins move to their new stadium, the Vikings could temporarily move in with the U. of Minnesota in 2009 when the Golden Gophers' new on-campus stadium is completed and just have the Metrodome de-roofed and retrofitted for outdoor football only, like in the Vikes' halcyon days at old Metropolitan Stadium.  Ain't never gonna happen, though...

As per my usual when I visit out-of-town stadiums, I didn't care about the game near as much as checking out the various nooks and crannies of the park itself, and the Metrodome has numerous features one won't find in any other stadium in the world.  Please enjoy my little pictorial tour...

This has to be the only baseball stadium in America with a roof that needs to be dry-cleaned!











"Great seats, eh, buddy?"—Part 1 [NOTE: I was actually sitting in the seat when I snapped this!]












In the words of B. Bunny:  "Watch out for that next step—it's a doozy!"

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

"Great seats, eh, buddy?"—Part 2. Can't even sit down, and that damn pole's in the way!

Don't look like no "Cinch-Sak" to me!  A side view of the infamous "Hefty Bag".

Now here's where they need a friggin' Hefty Bag!

I know those dudes!  Before or after a game at the Metrodome, a must-see is the unofficial gift shop just to the NE of the 'Dome, which doubles as a mini-museum of Twin Cities sports and music history.  It features some wonderful backstage photos of The Fab Four during their 1966 concert at old Metropolitan Stadium.  The store's owner also has numerous photos taken with practically every Country music artist known to man, including Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton and Porter Wagoner, et al.

Back To The Ol' Grind (And Heat)

NO PLACE LIKE HOME
I returned home last night from the hinterlands of Minnesota (against my better judgment), only to find Kansas City just slightly cooler than when I left it on Thursday morning.  I struggled mightily with the decision yesterday on whether to stay in Minnesota one more day or not, but I gotta tell ya, folks, the trip was worth it just for the weather alone—I awoke to temps in the '50s and rain yesterday, and fucking loved it!!  I even spotted an attractive young lady working at Barnes & Noble in downtown Minneapolis wearing boots yesterday—impressive for August!  If it weren't for those dreadful winters up that way, I'd move to the Twin Cities in a heartbeat.  Photos to come later when I feel like fighting with Blogspot's publisher function thing...

A PLACE WE CALL THE ZOO...
I hit the mighty Mall of America in suburban Bloomington again yesterday.  On a normal August Saturday, the place is a clusterfuck, but on an August Saturday when it's raining and they're celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Minnesota Twins' 1987 World Champions, the place is a freakin' zoo!  Wall-to-wall people all over, and I had to do a fair amount of calisthenics to negotiate my way around, but the place is well worth a visit if you haven't been there before.

ALMOST FAMOUS...
While I was at MOA, I checked out Famous Dave's barbecue emporium for lunch, and was quite impressed with their meaty delights.  Dandy brisket, dandy ribs and dandy sides (corn on the cob, mashed taters, fries, etc.).  I'd put these folks right up there with local faves Gates and K.C. Masterpiece, and that's truly sayin' something, coming from a Kansas Citian.  Come to find out after getting back home that we have a Famous D's right here in the area out by the Kansas Speedway that I wasn't even aware of.  Must pay them a visit soon...

WHAT A CROC!
I once swore that I'd never buy a pair of these things, but I caved in during my road trip and picked up the Paylessshoesource knock-off version of Crocs, and I gotta admit, these damn things are very comfortable.  Ugly as Joan Rivers (and her ugly-ass daughter), but so very comfortable.  Great for wearing around the house, if nothing else...

GETTING REAMED
Meantime, back on the homefront, attempts by a professional plumber at unclogging my troublesome sewer drain pipe proved to be futile, and it appears I have a collapsed sewer drain pipe in my front yard, therefore, I literally don't have a pot to piss in at the moment.  The plumbers are wanting 2,500 semolians to excavate my front yard and replace said pipe, but yours truly is bull-headed enough that he's going to dig the bloody hole and fix the damn thing himself.  Yes, I'm that stubborn.  Who knows—maybe I'll find Jimmy Hoffa while I'm at it...

R.I.P., SCOOTER
I'm hardly a New York Yankees fan, but I do respect their history, and want to acknowledge the passing of Hall of Fame shortstop/announcer Phil Rizzuto last week.  Youse Rock 'N' Roll fans know of Rizzuto's work as well, as he did the "play-by-play" on Meat Loaf's classic "Paradise By The Dashboard Light", the double-entendre of which "Scooter" was apparently totally unaware of when he recorded it.  "Holy Cow!" was his signature call (as was Harry Caray's), and he was well-loved in Gotham City.

DUBBA-DUB-DUB...
I'm just a tad disappointed with the new Kissology, Volume II DVD set, as it appears that Paul Stanley hath overdubbed new vocals for a couple or three songs during the semi-legendary 1980 Sydney, Australia concert, especially on "Shandi" and "I Was Made For Lovin' You"—there ain't no fucking way he'd sound that polished live in concert!  During IWMFLY, when he sings "You were made for loving me...", you can clearly see that his mouth remains open on "me" well after his vocal stops.  I'm also chafed that they only included the first segment of the infamous Tom Snyder interview from Halloween, 1979.  Still, this fucker is worth it alone for the dreaded cinematic classic Kiss Meets The Phantom.  In the words of The Starchild:  "Easy, Catman--they are serious!"  Excellent tribute to the late Eric Carr as well (who was unable to re-dub his vocals for rather obvious reasons)...

Just as an aside, watch the "Shandi" video and note what happens at the :47 mark.  As Robin Williams said in Good Morning, Vietnam, "Flip them the bird!!"  Just as another aside, check out "She's So European" and note the following:  1) How Gene Simmons sounds like Billy Joel on the vocals;  2) How Ace's cape looks like a shower curtain when he turns his back to the camera; and 3) How Paul's guitar bears more than a strong resemblance to Bjorn Ulvaeus of ABBA's axe in the old "Waterloo" video!

VH UPDATE
I gathered some new info in regards to my query on the blog the other day in my Van Halen post about why bassist Michael Anthony is no longer with the band.  I stumbled across a brand new book at Barnes & Noble yesterday on the Van Halen saga, most-appropriately titled The Van Halen Saga (damn, why didn't I think of that?).  Seems that Mikey's departure has to do with Eddie's disgruntlement with his participation in tours with Sammy Hagar and other outside projects—in spite of the veritable dearth of activity in the Van Halen camp since 1995 or so.  Downright petty on EVH's part, I dare say.  I only thumbed through the book, but it appeared to be a good read.  I ain't paying $26 for the hard-cover version, tho...

Can you say "Flip-Flop"?, Part Deux

Okay, I lied—I've decided to spend part of my week's vacation actually on vacation after all.  I'm sick of this Amazon jungle heat here in K.C., so I'm getting away for a couple days to a climate that'll be about 30-35 degrees cooler by the time I get there—Minnesota!  Maybe I'll drop by and see Mary, Lou, Murray, Ted and the rest of the WJM gang while I visit the Land of 10,000 Lakes.  Full report pending upon my return...

More (D)Ann Coulter

Watch these videos and tell me this bitch doesn't have an Adam's Apple! Once again, I pose the question, if this "woman" is so damn conservative, then why does "she" dress so slutty?

Can you say "Flip-Flop"?

Pretty self-explanatory, straight from the horse's (patoot's) mouth.  Many thanks to my dear friend Stacy for bringing this to my attention.

The Original VH-1

When Kiss started falling out of favor a bit in the late '70s, their void was filled for me by a band that one Gene Simmons ironically had a hand in discovering—Van Halen.  I saw these guys in concert four times during the David Lee Roth era, and three more with Sammy Hagar, and these were some of my all-time favorite concerts.  The DLR era in particular featured some of the most high-energy shows I've ever attended, and at their peak (circa. 1981-82) VH was white-hot on stage, even when Roth was too drunk or too stoned to remember some of the lyrics!

 So why is it I'm so queasy about today's announcement of a Van Halen reunion tour with Roth?  I guess maybe because I know that deep down inside, the Van Halens and Roth really still can't stand each other, but they can put up with each other long enough to snag a few paychecks.  And you just know that this tour is going to end badly (if it ever gets off the ground in the first place), and it will have more to do with Roth's arrogant tendencies than with Eddie Van Halen's well-documented substance abuse problems.  I also have issues with bassist Michael Anthony being sacked in favor of Eddie's 17-year-old son Wolfgang.  I don't understand what Eddie's (and/or Alex's) beef is with Mikey—he's certainly put up with all of their problems all these years and never complained.  For all we know, young Wolfie might well be a competent bassist, but can he also duplicate Anthony's high harmony backing vocals that are an integral part of the VH sound?  To me, this is not a true reunion tour if Anthony isn't part of it.  As I said the first time they announced this tour earlier this year, I have a baaaad feeling about this...

But let's not forget why I came to love this band in the first place—they fucking rocked!  Great guitar pyrotechnics from Eddie, Roth's testosterony lyrics, and some great live shows.  My favorite VH album was 1981's Fair Warning, the 8-track tape (remember those, kids?) of which I nearly wore out during my junior year in high school.  All four of the VH shows I saw with Roth were great, but my personal favorite was the Diver Down tour in 1982.  My friend Tom and I had great seats at Kemper Arena on the lower lever near Eddie's side of the stage, and I distinctly remember how pumped-up the crowd was before the show began.  One of my all-time favorite concert memories occured during the opening act, After The Fire (of "Der Kommisar" fame), when some guy in the front row stood up right in front of ATF's lead singer with his right arm and middle finger extended!  Crude gesture, to be sure, but deadly accurate—these guys sucked, and that's how anxious that crowd was to see Van Halen!  Then again, crappy opening acts were a VH staple—whereas Kiss always brought along great opening acts like Judas Priest, Molly Hatchet, Queensryche and W.A.S.P., Van Halen gave us big names like The Katz, G-Force, After The Fire and The Velcros!

The Van Hagar era was less satisfying on many levels, although I really do like Sammy Hagar.  Early on, the shows were still high-energy, and by far, 1988's OU812 was the high-water mark of Sammy's tenure, but after that, it felt like Van Halen really lost their edge, and by 1995's Balance album, they were downright boring!  Then the whole big soap opera began when Hagar was fired and VH briefly reunited with Roth for two lame songs on a best-of CD, then Extreme vocalist Gary Cherone came in for that still-born Van Halen 3 flop in 1998, and then they reunited with Hagar again for another greatest hits album and a very ragged concert tour.  Sadly, this once-mighty band has basically been irrelevant for the last 15 years.

Do me a favor, please, and wake me up when or if they become relevant again...

My All-Time Van Halen Top 10 (Hagar era):
10) "Top Of The World" (1991)
9) "Dreams" (1986)
8) "Humans Being" (1995)
7) "Good Enough" (1986)
6) "Mine All Mine" (1988)
5) "Runaround" (1991)
4) "When It's Love" (1988)
3) "Source Of Infection" (1988)
2) "A.F.U. (Naturally Wired) (1988)
1) "Get Up" (1986)

My All-Time Van Halen Top 15 (Diamond Dave era):
15) "Jamie's Cryin'" (1978)
14) "Hot For Teacher" (1984)
13) "Everybody Wants Some!!" (1980)
12) "Panama" (1984)
11) "Ice Cream Man" (1978)
10) "D.O.A." (1979)
9) "Pretty Woman" (1982)
8) "Somebody Get Me A Doctor!" (1979)
7) "Eruption"/"You Really Got Me" (1978)
6) "Fools" (1980)
5) "Sinner's Swing!" (1981)
4) "Hear About It Later" (1981)
3) "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" (1978)
2) "I'm The One" (1978)
1) "Unchained" (1981)

Stadiums That Didn't Happen (For Better Or Worse)

THE SHEA DOME?
Long before they designed the not-so-distant-future new home of the New York Mets, Citi Field, there was talk of slapping a roof on Chez Shea.  Sometimes ideas—even those with the best of intentions—should just remain ideas...


 
FENWAY PARK II?
There was talk for a while about replacing venerable Fenway Park with a neo-modern replica just behind the original (complete with faux Green Monster and all), but that fell by the wayside in favor of just plain renovating Fenway I.  Good thing, or Bostonians might've wound up with this monstrosity instead.










WELCOME TO THE DODGER DOME...
Long before The Astrodome was ever conceived, this is what 'Dem Bums could've played in if Brooklyn Dodgers owner Walter O'Malley had his way in the late '50s before bolting for Californy.  Revolting, ain't it?  No offense to the good people of Brooklyn, but if this was the only alternative, it's just as well the Dodgers landed in L.A.

HOW MANY RIVERS DO YOU NEED?
Here be a mock-up of what eventually became the penultimate cookie-cutter stadium, Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh.  Looks kinda like a cross between R.F.K. Stadium in D.C. and Kauffman Stadium here in K.C., don't it?...




WRIGLEY FIELD WEST?
Here's an interesting tidbit—the original home of the Los Angeles/California/Anaheim/Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (by way of El Segundo) Angels, not to mention the original home of TV's "Home Run Derby" show, Wrigley Field in Los Angeles, had serious consideration for renovation at one point during the '60s.  The Major League Angels only played one season there before jumping ship to Dodger Stadium for a few years until Anaheim Stadium was finished in 1966, but this proposed renovation looked an awful lot like Chicago's Comiskey Park I crossed with the late '70s renovation of Anaheim Stadium to accomodate the L.A. Rams foosball team.

TOTALLY SICK!
Long before the dreaded Kingdome was envisioned, the expansion of Seattle's Sick's Stadium was considered to keep those dreaded expansion Pilots from jumping ship in 1970 to Milwaukee.  Sadly, too many of the new seats were located in the outfield, and the Pilots flew the coop.  Just as well, the team sucked anyway...

Fan Appreciation Day

I'M MELTING!!!
Well, not quite, but damn near!  It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut (thank you, Robin Williams) here in good ol' K.C., and it ain't gonna cool down anytime soon, evidently.  Against my better judgment, I mowed my yard this morning before it got too hot, and I nearly drowned in my own perspiration.  Since then I've been hanging out in my little 9' x 12' air-conditioned cocoon (my bedroom), and I'm ever so thankful to the dude (or dudette) who discovered freon!  Today is also Day One of a week's vacation for me, but I'm not leaving town this time.  I chose this week originally because I was planning a big trip to New York, but I pushed that back to next year, and since I already had the time off anyway, I decided to keep it.  I might just do the Al Bundy-style vacation instead and spend a couple days camped out in my living room...

METHINKS I DOTH SMELLETH A RAT...
Tickets to the Elton John concert at our new Sprint Center sold out in 90 minutes on Monday.  Nothing wrong with that, except that I don't seem to remember there being that high a demand for EJ tickets the last couple times he came to town.  Even factoring in that it's opening night for our new arena and all, I can't help but wonder how many of those tickets got snagged up by these ticket broker outfits on the Kansas side for resale (scalping is legal in the Land of Oz) instead of by the average fan with a credit card who logged on to TicketBastard.  As Col. Potter on "M*A*S*H" would say, "Beaver biscuits!!"

JOE GARAGIOLA WAS RIGHT...
...when he said "Baseball is a VERY funny game."  Take for instance the story of St. Louis Cardinals player Rick Ankiel, who used to pitch for the Redbirds at one time until he struggled with his control to the point where he couldn't find home plate with a Rand McNally road atlas and a decent compass.  He threw more wild pitches than strikes, so they sent him to the minors and converted him into an outfielder, and it turns out the boy can hit better than he once pitched.  After feasting on Minor League pitching, the Cards called him up this week, and he proceeded to hit a 3-run homer in his first Big League game as an outfielder.  He had two more dingers today, too.  That's what I love most about baseball—the sheer quirkiness of it sometimes.

THE COOKIE CRUMBLED
While I'm on baseball, tonight is Cookie Rojas Bobblehead Night at Kauffman Stadium.  Since the Royals have no current superstar players to promote with bobblehead dolls, they have to reach back to their distant past to find worthy players, and Rojas was the Royals' 2nd baseman near the end of his career in the early '70s before being supplanted by Frank White.  Great player, but my memory of Rojas was soured forever by the time my mom took me to get his autograph at a Sears store appearance he made when I was about nine.  He was sitting at a table and talking to some guy standing behind him, and when I got to the head of the line, I worked up the nerve to actually speak to him, wishing him good luck in that night's game, etc.  He just went on jabbering away with that guy and didn't even acknowledge my existence while he scribbled his name (poorly) on his 8 x 10 photo.  I wasn't scarred for life by this or anything, but it feels good all the same to say the following some 34 years later:  Fuck you, Cookie—you're a dick!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #46
"The Sounds Of Silence"—SIMON & GARFUNKEL (1966)  "And my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light..."  I thought it was "scared" instead of "stabbed".  Hey, it was AM radio and I was only four the first time I heard it...

TURN OFF THE HYPE MACHINE, ALREADY!
This obsession the sports media (especially ESPN) has with soccer icon David Beckham is bordering on the absurd now.  I watched the game on Thursday where Beckham actually managed to suit up for his first MLS game (mostly because nothing else was on worth watching), and you'd swear it was the Second Coming or something.  Wow, he played a whole 21 minutes!  And to think some idiots actually played the whole damn game—what were they thinking?  Don't get me wrong—I'm a soccer fan, and would love to see the MLS succeed, but they're mortgaging their whole future on one overrated superstar, and I'm telling you they're going to regret this more than they know...

WHAT MIGHT'VE BEEN...
I watched a half-decent flick last night on DVD, the film Bobby from last year, directed by Emilio Estevez, all about the day leading up to the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy in 1968.  The movie was a bit slow to develop at first, but it was surprisingly good, overall.  Now, I'm hardly a fan of the Kennedys—I like them just about as much as I like those nice Clintons—but one wonders what American history would have been like if RFK had lived.  Most assuredly, he would've blown Nixon's doors off in the '68 election, and probably would've been re-elected in '72, thus sparing us from having The Big Dick in the White House.  Food for thought, anyway...

The Day After

A MOST APPROPRIATE REACTION
Regular readers are already aware that I was in a quandary about how I would react to Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron's career home run record.  I had narrowed my choices down to yawning, farting or scratching my balls (or any combination of the three), but I inadvertently came up with an even more ingenious response last night—I slept right through it all!  And slept well, I might add.  Just an observation here, but ain't it amazing how whenever Bonds hits a home run, the Giants usually lose the game?

Okey fine—Barely Bonds is now officially the home run king, but I still say Hank Aaron is the real home run king.  I even had the honor of seeing him hit one of his 755 home runs in person.  It was on June 11, 1976 (easy to remember--my 12th birthday) at Royals Stadium during Aaron's final season with the Milwaukee Brewers, and "The Hammer" jacked one into the left field corner seats.

JUST TELL ME WHAT TIME THE GAME STARTS, OK?
The NFL announced that my hero John Mellencamp will perform during the pre-game show at Opening Night next month in Indianapolis, along with Kelly Clarkson and Faith Hill.  Yes, I know there's the Indiana connection there and all, but jeez Louise, couldn't they come up with someone better than this simple-minded hillbilly?  I'd sooner listen to the vocal stylings of David Letterman.  Even Bobby Knight crooning "It's Hard To Be Humble" would be a step in the right direction...

EDITOR'S NOTEIf you're looking for the "Tony's Kansas City" blog link formerly featured on this here blog, I deleted it.  I used to think this guy was just a harmless crackpot with far too much time on his hands, but his insulting remarks about Elton John fans (I'm a lifelong fan—if you have problem with that, fuck you, Tony!) and gay people (I'm not one of them, but I have no quarrel with them) revealed him to be just another ignorant bigot, and I refuse to associate my blog with that crap.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #45
"Miss America"--STYX (1977)  Not a lyric here, but it took me about 20 years to catch on that Dennis DeYoung was "borrowing" the "There she is..." bit on the synthesizer throughout the song.  I'm a little slow, sometimes...

THIS IS REFRESHING...Not just the photo, but the fact that the girl in it has actually made something of her life after being a child star and hasn't wound up dead, on skid row or reality TV (same thing), or worse—tabloid fodder like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, et al.  Seems that our little Winnie "Super" Cooper from "The Wonder Years" has grown up with her head on straight, and just as I predicted when I first laid eyes on her on that show back in the late '80s, Danica McKellar is an absolute hottie now.  Pretty AND smart—what a concept!  At the risk of sounding like Tyra Banks—you go, girl!!