Styx-ing it to ya!

I’ve been on a major Styx binge lately, both in terms of listening to their music and learning more about their history.  I recently read bassist Chuck Panozzo’s autobiography, and it was quite good, but not nearly as in-depth about the band itself as the book I’m about to finish by Sterling Whitaker called The Grand Delusion-The Unauthorized True Story of Styx.  Delusion (which just came out last year) tells the story of the band via interviews with various crew members, band managers, music execs, band relatives, fellow travelers and a few of the band members themselves.  Guitarist Tommy Shaw is the only mainstay from the original group to participate directly here, thus keyboardist Dennis DeYoung and guitarist James Young along with Panozzo are quoted from other interviews back in the day.  I’d known for years that there was a major rift between DeYoung and the rest of the band, but I had no clue how deep and how far back it went (way further back than just the Kilroy fiasco, to my surprise), much less how dysfunctional this band truly was/is.  It seems only fitting that their greatest album was called The Grand Illusion because these guys were/are masters at putting up a united front for the paying public even while in turmoil.  And we thought the Van Halen/David Lee Roth feud was bad…

Like a lot of people, my first exposure to Styx was their classic “Lady”, which was a late-bloomer of a hit that languished in obscurity for over two years before finally taking off in late 1974.  I assumed Styx was British because of the way DeYoung sounded vocally, an assumption he reinforced by the way he sang “telly-phone” and "celly-brate" on their next big hit, 1975’s “Lorelei”—imagine my surprise when I found out these guys were mostly from Chicago!  When I made the transition from Top 40 AM radio to Album Rock FM in late 1977, the Grand Illusion album was getting beaucoup airplay on KY-102, and I became instantly hooked on “Come Sail Away”, and that album remains my favorite Styx LP ever.  Pieces Of Eight followed the next year and wasn’t quite as good (although Shaw’s “Blue Collar Man” and “Renegade” were standouts), and in the meantime, I bought their two previous releases before Illusion—Equinox and Crystal Ball—and they weren’t bad at all.  I particularly liked Equinox, beyond just the hits off it like “Lorelei”, “Light Up” and “Suite Madame Blue”—go a little deeper and you’ll find some good stuff like “Mother Dear”, “Lonely Child” and “Born For Adventure”.

Apart from the tracks “Never Say Never” and “Borrowed Time”, I found their 1979 album Cornerstone to be very mediocre, and it of course included the song that began to drive the wedge between the band and Dennis DeYoung, DDY’s treacly ballad “Babe”.  DeYoung was adamant about putting it on the album and releasing it as a single, while Shaw, JY and the Panozzo brothers balked at it, preferring to not alienate their core fan base by doing a wimpy ballad.  “Babe” is a nice song and all in the same vein as Kiss’ “Beth”, but many Styx fans (me included) would prefer it had been a hit for someone else (like, say, Air Supply or Toto!), and to this day, Dennis DeYoung still doesn’t get that.  Yes, it was a number one hit, but was it worth the price of splintering the band?  In spite of all the internal rancor, Styx bounced back in early 1981 with another excellent album, Paradise Theater.  By this time, they were the hottest concert ticket in this town (and many others), and were easily the most popular band at my high school.  The Paradise Theater tour was clearly the band’s crowning achievement and one of the ten best concerts I ever attended.  Styx became the first band to have four straight triple-platinum albums and they were at the high point of their career in 1981.  Then it all went to hell two years later in a handbag with the name Kilroy on it…

Not unlike The Who’s Pete Townshend during his solo career, Dennis DeYoung became obsessed with making “concept” albums as Styx became more successful.  It seemed innocent enough beginning with Grand Illusion through the next three albums, which were all loosely-conceptual, but not to their detriment.  Then, after Styx was accused of “backward masking” satanic messages on the track “Snowblind” from Paradise Theater, DeYoung took it all rather personally and concocted the story of a repressive totalitarian society where Rock music was banned and machines called Robotos were doing everyone’s work for them, thus Kilroy Was Here was born.  Might’ve made a decent full-length flick on the silver screen (in fact, there were plans for one at the time) that a Dennis DeYoung Kilroy solo album could’ve served as the soundtrack for, but as a Styx record, it was just plain wrong.  Then to try and pull this Broadway-style musical off for a Rock concert crowd was sheer lunacy.  Watch the Styx concert DVD Caught Live In The Act and you’ll see what I mean—Broadway theater and Rock ‘N’ Roll are a bad mix!  By this time, Tommy Shaw could take it no more and left the band in 1984 for a moderately-successful solo career, and Styx subsequently more or less ground to a halt.

Drummer John Panozzo’s downward spiral with alcohol and eventual passing in 1996 were well-chronicled, but another member of the band suffered a similar fate.  Rather sadly, the forgotten man in Styx is Tommy Shaw’s predecessor, late guitarist John “JC” Curulewski, who not unlike original Rush drummer John Rutsey, left the band before the gravy train arrived (although in Rush’s case, Rutsey's replacement, Neil Peart, was the gravy train).  JC played on the first five Styx albums (that’s his 12-string acoustic solo on “Prelude 12” on Equinox), and was generally regarded as pretty good guy, although he had his quirks and seemingly threatened to leave the band on a monthly basis, only to be talked into staying.  He was more into progressive music and clashed with DeYoung creatively (who didn’t?), plus he was torn between being a Rock star and spending time with his wife and son, thus he chose the latter not long after Equinox came out.  Seeing the band go on to be a mega-success without him couldn’t have been easy for JC, and he pretty much drank himself to death in early 1988.

In 1990, Styx reunited without Tommy Shaw (who had moved on to Damn Yankees the year before) for the semi-successful Edge Of The Century LP with lefty guitarist/songwriter/singer Glen Burtnik replacing Shaw.  Shaw finally returned to the band in 1996 for the very successful Return To Paradise tour—which more or less re-created the Paradise Theater sojourn—with upstart drummer Todd Sucherman replacing the dearly departed John Panozzo.  The live double-CD from that tour sold well enough to warrant another tour in 1997, and by all outward appearances, the band seemed to be getting along well when I saw them perform at Sandstone that summer.  But such was not the case, as yet again, DeYoung managed to piss all over the proceedings with his ego and micro-managing of things behind the scenes.  Finally, after releasing the very uneven studio album Brave New World in 1998, Tommy and JY decided they’d had enough of DeYoung’s tyranny and kicked him to the curb, replacing him with kinda-sorta sound-alike singer/keyboardist Lawrence Gowan from Canada.

Some of the drama within the band was exposed in 2000 on VH-1’s “Behind The Music”, but after reading this book, I can see that they left out a lot of stuff—VH-1 shoulda made this one a two-part episode!  I used to think the whole rift between DeYoung and Tommy, JY and the Panozzo brothers was a lot of petty bullshit and that both sides were wrong, but based on what I’ve read, I now side firmly with the latter faction, as regrettably it would appear that Dennis DeYoung is a high-maintenance horse’s ass with an insatiable ego.  Hate to say that about him because I always liked and respected him as a musician—he’s a very talented man.  In baseball parlance, Dennis would be what they call a “five-tool player”—great singer, keyboardist, songwriter, performer and producer.  Unfortunately, the more the band became successful, the more it went to DeYoung’s head, and things became very one-sided with him calling all the shots and the rest of the band kowtowing to his whims and lofty ideas (including the really bad ones).  With DeYoung, it was no longer a case of “we”, but rather “I, me, mine” as one interviewee in the book recalled.  A classic example of DDY’s ego run amok:  He sent a paying audience home without performing the show they arrived for on the Kilroy tour all because the projector wouldn’t work that presented the little pre-concert film.  Nice going, Doc—they paid to see a concert, not a movie!  To make things worse, his insufferable control-freak wife Suzanne (aka “Babe”) had a Yoko Ono complex in her, and quite often interfered in the band’s business, further exacerbating the existing hostilities.  What a shame that such a fine musician is such a total douche to nearly everyone he works with.

DeYoung tried to file a lawsuit against Tommy, JY and Chuck when he was fired from the group in the late ‘90s, claiming he had the rights to the band name, and the whole mess was settled out of court for who knows how much money.  The band still performs today as Styx, while DeYoung is forced to use the moniker “Formerly of Styx” or “Performing the music of Styx” in billing his infrequent concert appearances, and they all live miserably ever after.  A rather ignominious coda for a band that was at one time on top of the Rock world.

My All-Time Styx Top 20
20) Mademoiselle (1976)  Tommy Shaw’s first lead vocal on a Styx record.  I’m surprised this wasn’t a bigger hit single than it was.
19) Cold War/Heavy Metal Poisoning (1983) [Tie]  Far and away the two best songs from the Kilroy Was Here debacle.  In the former, Shaw takes aim at TV evangelists and scores.  Best line is, “You talk talk and you almost make sense—and that’s what scares me the most…”  The latter song provided some comic relief during the Kilroy concert, complete with its rather amusing song-and-dance routine featuring JY (aka “Dr. Righteous”) and the Panozzo brothers.  That’s Dennis DeYoung’s daughter Carrie Ann giggling at the very end of the track.
18) Not Dead Yet (1991)  One of the rare times Styx employed a songwriter from outside of the band, another Chicago native named Ralph Covert.  Funny song in places, especially the line “Lee Harvey Oswald’s brother’s on the loose.”  Easily my favorite off Edge Of The Century.
17) Put Me On (1976)  A tad contrived in places, lyrically, but most of the song rocks out in typical JY style.
16) Renegade (1978)  I give Tommy extra credit for having the guts to sing the first part of this Acapulco…
15) Snowblind (1981)  Oh, those crafty Stygians—corrupting all those impressionable young listeners with their wicked backward masking.  Heathens!  No, really—it’s a cool song.
14) Great White Hope (1978)  Exciting lead-off track that promised great things on Pieces of Eight.  Unfortunately, I thought the rest of the album was rather so-so, apart from "Renegade" and "Blue Collar Man".  For what it’s worth, Dennis DeYoung made a fine ring announcer, though…let’s get ready to rumble!
13) Blue Collar Man (Long Nights) (1978)  T. Shaw’s tribute to the working man.  One of the rare times you’ll hear an organ (the kind with keys) cranking out the opening riff to a Rock song.
12) Mother Dear (1975)  This might’ve been the late John Curulewski’s finest moment with Styx.  He co-wrote this one with DeYoung and you can hear him on the backing vocals as well.  Sounding rather Moody Blues-like in places, it’s one of Styx’s trippier songs.
11) Suite Madame Blue (1975)  A song that’s grown on me a lot over the years, especially this past decade with my growing discontent over the direction this country has been headed.  Let’s hope Mr. Obama can indeed “lead us away from here…”
10) Fooling Yourself (The Angry Young Man) (1977)  According to the Grand Delusion book, Tommy Shaw’s classic song was actually written about Dennis DeYoung, of all people.  As many times as I've shot myself in the foot in life, this song could’ve easily been written about yours truly…
9) Borrowed Time (1979)  My favorite song off the mostly-flaccid Cornerstone album, and about the only one from it that rocked, apart from JY’s “Eddie”, a cautionary tale aimed at Sen. Ted Kennedy.
8) Lonely Child (1975)  A very underrated song from Equinox that might’ve yielded a hit single if Styx had been better-known at the time.
7) The Grand Illusion (1977)  “Don’t be fooled by the radio, the TV or the magazines…”  Words to live by in this day and age.  You could add the Internet to that line, too.
6) Miss America (1977)  James Young is by nature very analytical about things he observes, and like me, he’s an astute hypocrisy pointer-outer, thus “Miss America” rates high in my book.  Plus, JY’s songs usually rock out, which also rates high in my book.  Love the last line of the song, “Next year—what will you do when you have been forgotten?”
5) Come Sail Away (1977)  Eric Cartman’s favorite song, and definitely a Classic Rock staple.  My favorite part is the Who-like middle section where JY pays homage to “Won’t Get Fooled Again” on the ol' ARP Odyssey machine.
4) Rockin’ The Paradise (1981)  Perennial Styx concert opener, and a mighty fine one to set the tone of the evening with.
3) Lorelei (1975)  Man, that Lorelei chick sounded like real hottie, the way DeYoung sang about her.  Great early example of Styx’ trademark three-part harmonies.
2) Lady (1972)  As Dennis remarks on the Return To Paradise CD, this one “started this whole train a-rollin’.”  Wonderful love song indeed, until some “American Idol” wanna-be butchers it on Karaoke night, anyway…
1) Too Much Time On My Hands (1981)  Lyrically, this almost sounds like a John Hiatt song.  It’s about the only Styx song I sound good singing along with...

Join us in our Blog ambition...

...get yerself a brand new motor car!  (More on Styx in a future blog post, btw...)

IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS!
For the first time since I dunno when, I paid $1.37 a gallon for gas today.  At this rate, I figure gasoline oughtta be free by Christmas, and by Ground Hog Day, '09, the oil companies will be paying US to pump gas!  All the while, the economic "experts" out there are trying to tell me that low gas prices are a bad thing.  Fuck you!

THEN AGAIN...
...these are the same people who went apeshit at the end of trading yesterday on the New York Stock Exchange when they heard President-elect Obama was going to name Timothy Geithner as his Treasury secretary.  The market was floundering before that, then suddenly made a 500-point gain in less than three hours.  I'm not sure, but I believe the one fatal flaw of the stock market is the reactionary nature of it, don't you?  All it takes is some rumor to send all them traders into a veritable tizzy...

AIN'T THAT PECULIAR...
...that my alma mater Raytown South beat last night in the Missouri Class 5 semi-finals?  That would be Raymore-Peculiar High School that the now-mighty Cardinals football team defeated 27-18 on Friday night in the state football playoffs.  The Big Red will now face either Jackson, MO or Hazelwood East (both of whom have worse records than Ray-South) in the Big Show next weekend.  All I gotta say is, beat them turkeys—whoever they are!

AT LEAST...
...their game was far more riveting than tonight's big showdown between Texas Tech and Oklahoma, during which OU blew the collective doors off the Red Raiders, 65-21.  This game was over by the end of the first quarter, and now the Big 12 South division is a mess—each division leader has one loss.  Oklahoma lost to Texas, who lost to Texas Tech, who lost to Oklahoma.  Who the hell wins this thing?!?

Meantime, it seems like every Top 25 game in college football today was a blowout, but yours truly is rejoicing in Notre Dame losing to Syracuse 24-23 today.  These days, losing to the dreaded Orangemen is like getting beat by the cast of "The Facts Of Life" (Mrs. Garrett included)!  Pitiful...pity-ful...

PUT A SOCK IN IT!
Again, I ask the question why does the U.S. news media always air these videotapes done by these Muslim assholes denouncing America?  Why is it every time ol' Mukka-Lukka Al So-And-So from Iran, Iraq or Afghanistan whips out a video and bad-mouths our country, it's headline news on CNN and Faux News Channel?  In case you TV news idiots out there haven't figured it out yet, this is exactly what these fuckers want—free publicity!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #101
"In The Air Tonight"—PHIL COLLINS (1981)  "The pain still grows..."  I originally misinterpreted this as "the pain's too gross..."

IF AN NFL NETWORK FALLS IN THE WOODS...
...and no one hears it, does anyone care?  Evidently, the battle rages on between the National Football League and Compost—er uh, Comcast—over where Comcast places the NFL's esteemed network in their digital channel lineup.  Sorry, kids, but I have no desire to pay extra for this superfluous channel.  The live Thursday night games they air are generally bland (Cincinnati at Pittsburgh?) and the rest of their programming day is just a three-hour tape loop.  At least they got rid of Bryant Gumbel, so that's a step in the right direction...

The World According to Hearne

The current economic crisis has claimed the job of that journalistic institution known as Hearne Christopher, Jr., who was dismissed in the latest round of firings at the Kansas City Star last week.  I normally don’t condone kicking someone when they’re down, but since Hearne made a regular habit of doing so in his columns to other media folks who lost their jobs, I’ll waive traditional protocol here.

HC’s “Cowtown Confidential” gossip column ran 3-4 times a week in the Star, and was the absolute epitome of vapidity, and I constantly asked myself why I even bothered to read it, but I guess the old car accident analogy is true—one couldn't help but look at it!  It’s way beyond my realm of expertise as to how on earth a grown man who used terms like "wonk", "schmooze", “inside skinny”, “meister” and "kiddie-bopper" on a regular basis and coined phrases like “homeless dude” and “beggar extraordinaire” rated having a regular column in a major market newspaper.  By comparison, Hearne made the high-school kids writing for the "Teen Star" section of the paper sound like seasoned professionals.  Then again, to paraphrase a letter writer to the Star who slayed Hearne a few years ago:  In Kansas City, there ain't much of an "inside" to be inside of anyway!  To wit, being a gossip columnist in Kansas City is akin to being a snow plow driver in the Bahamas.

In general, Christopher’s columns were full of mindless tripe about what Marilyn Manson had for dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House while he/she/it was in town or what Sting shopped for at Crown Center along with fluff pieces about the activities of the Watson’s Girl (a semi-irritating overly-perky big-boobed spokesmodel gal who does TV ads for a local swimming pool company).  Hearne also kept readers posted on various and sundry rumors and scuttlebutt around the city (often prefaced by his pet phrase “Heard on the street…”) via his network of informants that included third-rate DJs (both radio and nightclub variety), bar owners and concert promoters.  HC also had his regular lap dogs to provide fodder for his column like radio station executive Bob Zuroweste, TV weather geek Gary Lezak, light-rail activist Clay Chastain and former radio DJ Kelly Urich, the latter of whose “humor” was a regular feature in Hearne’s column.  I didn’t think it was possible to make Gilbert Gottfried seem like George Carlin, but Urich somehow managed to.  But I digress…

Of all his lap dogs, Erich “Mancow” Muller was far and away Hearne’s favorite.  Even though Mancow hails from right here in Raytown (and graduated from the same high school as yours truly), I fail to see how an overrated shock jock based 500 miles away in Chicago could possibly have his finger on the pulse of what's going on in Kansas City, but that never prevented HC from boring his readers with Mancow’s latest opinions and exploits.  If you didn't know any better, you'd swear that Hearne Christopher was actually Mancow's personal publicist, as HC couldn't go more than about three columns without quoting this loud-mouthed boor who doesn’t even have a following in this town, apart from his loyal legion of sycophants.

Christopher also went to great lengths to constantly rip on Mancow’s rival, the equally-irritating Johnny Dare on 98.9 The (C)Rock, especially for the show Dare was fined $250,000 by the FCC for because it featured strippers on it (playing “Twister”, I believe) in the wake of the whole Janet Jackson boob thing.  I find it highly incongruous and crass that Christopher would criticize Dare's on-air style when his daily column was practically a never-ending commercial Muller’s show, which isn’t dissimilar to Dare's in terms of style and content (except for the strippers), and it's a safe bet that Mancow will never be known as "Mr. Wholesome Family Values".  Hearne was a total hypocrite to criticize Dare's raunchiness while giving Muller a pass for doing essentially the same thing, especially considering that it was also perfectly okey-dokey for Hearne to write about Playboy Playmates and topless models in his columns on a regular basis.

[Oh by the way, I’m hardly a fan of Johnny Dare, but did anyone actually SEE those strippers on his radio show?  Didn’t think so.  So, exactly why was the show considered obscene?]

I also took issue with the way HC dogged on my man Randy Raley’s morning show on 101-The Fox a few years back, which he deemed to be a “snoozer” just after it debuted and before it even had a chance to find its niche.  Nice going, asshole, you probably drove a lot of listeners away from Randy with your remarks without even giving him a chance to succeed.  While Randy’s show was far from perfect, it was still light years better than the previous two morning teams on that same station, and was one of the rare morning shows I actually looked forward to listening to every day—it was a welcome respite from Dare’s sophomoric crapfest and the “Over The Hill Gang” at 99.7 KY, the other classic Rock station at the time.

Above all others, Hearne’s most bizarre folly was his championing of infamous panhandler Jerry Mazer (aka, “beggar extraordinaire”/"homeless dude”).  Mazer made national headlines several years ago by challenging laws forbidding begging for money on public streets (he was even interviewed on ABC’s “20/20” once, as I recall), saying they were unfair to those of his ilk.  Never mind the fact that this asshole refuses to get a real job, thinks nothing of using profanity and calling you names if you turn him down for a handout, and is totally unrepentant about what he does.  As a veteran of numerous unpleasant encounters with Mazer myself, I found it appalling that Christopher constantly glorified this churlish loser and made him out to be some sort of local folk hero, as if anyone truly gave a damn about this creep’s every move.  It would be poetic justice to think that Hearne is now out on the streets begging with ol’ Jer since he lost his job, but from what I hear (on the streets?), HC is a trust fund baby and his family’s loaded, so he won’t be hurting anytime soon.

There was talk not so long ago of a local radio show for Hearne—as you can clearly see by his mug shot above, he certainly has the face for it.  I’d been meaning to do a blog entry on this putz for quite a while now—I was just waiting for HC to produce yet another classic bon mot like “homeless dude”, but I guess I waited too long.  Oh well, buh-bye, Hearne—don’t let the door hit yer ass on the way out…

11-17-08

...Not to be confused with Elton John's first live album, 11-17-70!

YES, VIRGINIA, IT’S A RECESSION
Once again, I heard on the radio this morning where economic “experts” still aren’t sure whether the U.S. is in a recession or not.  According to the National Association for Business Economics, approximately 96 percent of the economists polled believe a recession has started.  Ya think?!?  Why is this still even being debated at this point?  The stock market’s in the tank, no one’s spending money, there are massive lay-offs everywhere, and unemployment figures are spiking like my blood pressure does while watching Bill O'Reilly—what more evidence do you goomers need?  This is akin to wondering if Dubya was a good President or not.  Yes, kids, it’s a bloody recession, already!!

WORD UP!
The term “meh” is now officially recognized as a word by the Collins English Dictionary.  I’ve found it to be a rather handy word myself, as an “expression of indifference or boredom or an adjective meaning mediocre or boring” according to the dictionary.  And just like “d’oh!”, the word appears to have gained popularity on “The Simpsons”, yes indeed-ely-doo…

MEH, PERSONIFIED
Anyone get a load of Bob Costas and Co. hyping NBC’s “Go Green” campaign during last night's “Sunday Night Football” telecast?  I cringed while Costas, Keith Olbermann, Chris Collinsworth, et al, sat there and recited things they’ve individually done to help the environment in the last year as if it were some sort of class assignment.  It all sounded about as sincere as a Don Imus apology, and what’s the bet most of these guys drive Hummers, hmm?  This little campaign of theirs is nothing but fashionable PR posturing devoid of any substance whatsoever—just like when President Ford wanted everyone to wear “WIN” buttons so we could Whip Inflation Now.  Yeah, that’ll make it all better…

MAMMA MIA!
Seems the Securities & Exchange Commission is accusing Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban of insider trading on a stock deal to avoid $750,000 in losses over some company called Mamma.com.  Huh?  $750,000 is pocket change to this guy—why would he risk getting in hot water over that?  What a maroon…

STILL WORTH THE WAIT?
“Can someone explain why they’ve already put tickets on sale for Celine Dion at Sprint Center, when the concert isn’t scheduled until November 15, 2008?!?  I’ve never heard of concert tickets being put on sale nearly a year in advance before.  Is this to allow her legion of fans (all 14 of ‘em) to schedule their vacations from work around it or something?”—B. Holland, November 27, 2007

In a juicy bit of irony, Celine Dion fans in K.C. will just have to wait a tad longer to see their heroine in concert, as a throat ailment has forced the postponement of Saturday’s Sprint Center concert until January.  I suppose a couple more months won’t kill them…

"WELL, HONK MY HOOTER—YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!"
One of my guilty pleasures every morning before I go to work is Univision's equivalent to "Good Morning America" called "Despierta America", mostly because of the cutie on the show named Ana Maria.  I've never understood a thing she's said until today when she was interviewing actor Will Smith (who is mildly fluent in Spanish) when all of a sudden Ana Maria began speaking to Will in English!  Very fluid English, at that.  Shades of John Cusack in Better Off Dead with that French hottie Monique...

UNCLEAR OF THE CONCEPT?
I just had to chortle a couple times when I saw that #24 Tulsa got slammed 70-30 by the University of Houston on Saturday.  And that ain’t no basketball score—that’s tackle football!  Evidently TU misunderstood the Top 25 bylaw that no Top 25 team should ever be beaten by 40 points, let alone allow 70 to an opponent!  BTW, why is Tulsa called the “Golden Hurricane”?  By the time hurricanes make it to northeastern Oklahoma, they’re tropical storms anyway.

AT THE MOVIES
A couple quick reviews for you, as I caught up on some DVD watching over the weekend.  I finally got around to viewing The Bucket List, and it wasn’t too bad.  Even Jack Nicholson was entertaining here—as entertaining as a rich curmudgeon asshole with terminal brain cancer can be, anyway—and Morgan Freeman was his usual solid self.  And director Rob Reiner was good enough to keep his film at a tolerable length of just over an hour and a half instead of subscribing to the “bigger/longer is better” theory.  I give Bucket List about a 6.5.

Being a child of the ‘70s, I decided to waste an hour and a half of my life on Will Ferrell’s Semi-Pro, and although it exceeded my expectations on some levels, it was semi-funny at best.  I think it actually would’ve been much better without Ferrell (this generation’s Chevy Chase) and his phony athlete shtick, which is growing really tiresome.  This movie also could’ve been infinitely funnier if the producers had mined the treasure trove of hilarious (and true) stories and characters of the old American Basketball Association instead of putting out yet another mediocre (meh?) Will Farrell vehicle.  They did occasionally manage to pay proper homage to the ABA here, like the bikini-clad cheerleaders (the old Miami Floridians really had them) along with some of the other silly promotions and gimmicks ABA teams pulled off to put fannies in the seats.  I also liked the accuracy of the old ABA uniforms in the film, esp. those worn by the Spirits of St. Louis and New York Nets.  Overall, I give Semi-Pro a 5.0.  Without Farrell, it might’ve been a 6.0...

The Simpsons Vs. Family Guy--Tale of the Tape

Having become a recent convert to TV’s “The Family Guy”, I thought it would be great fun to compare and contrast the venerable show that obviously inspired it, “The Simpsons”, so here’s how the shows stack up for me, character by character.

The Dads:  Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin
They’re both lovable schlubs, both dumb as a box of rocks and both have very man-child qualities to them, but I give the edge to Homer, who I find far more likeable.  Peter G. gets points for being a die-hard Kiss fan and all, but he can be very obnoxious and even rather creepy at times, so for me, Homer is da man!  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Moms:  Marge Simpson vs. Lois Griffin
Both have voices that grate on you like Fran Drescher, and bless Marge for putting up with Homer all these years, but I’m more partial to Lois—she’s a redhead, after all, and she has better legs too…  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Sons:  Bart Simpson vs. Chris Griffin
Aye carrumba!  Gotta go with the Bart Man all the way here—he’s infinitely funnier, far craftier and is in a whole different league than Chris, who I find rather annoying at times and quite doltish.  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Daughters:  Lisa Simpson vs. Meg GriffinHmmm, Lisa is the sax-playing brainiac and Meg has no discernible talent at all, yet I kinda like her anyway, in spite of that condom hat she always wears.  Can’t seem to choose between the two.  Advantage:  Push

The Infants:  Maggie Simpson vs. Stewie Griffin
No contest here—as cute as Maggie might be, Stewie clearly outshines his pacifier-sucking counterpart by light years.  He would surely tell you that himself…  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Dogs:  Santa’s Little Helper vs. Brian Griffin
This really isn’t a fair competition since SLH doesn’t really do much on “The Simpsons”. With such a cool name Brian wins anyway, and besides, he can drink me under the table!  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Grandfathers:  Abe Simpson vs. Carter Pewterschmidt
Gotta go with Homer’s dad here—as curmudgeonly as he is, he’s so much funnier than Lois Griffin’s ultra-snobbish father.  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Neighbors:  Ned Flanders vs. Cleveland Brown
Their voices are so similar, it’s almost scary, by I have to go with my man Cleveland, even though he’s quite possibly the whitest black man in America this side of Al Roker.  Ned’s too big of a mamby-pamby, yes indeed-ely-doo.  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Watering Holes:  Moe’s vs. The Drunken Clam
The Clam has the great name, but you can’t get a Flaming Moe or Duff Beer there, so I give Moe’s the nod, if only just barely…  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Mayors:  Joe Quimby vs. Adam WestQuimby does an admirable Ted Kennedy impersonation, but I have to go with the Caped Crusader, the great Adam West, who doesn’t mind poking fun at himself.  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Pompous News Anchors:  Kent Brockman vs. Tom Tucker
Both sound authoritative but have little substance—they’d be perfect fits on Faux News Channel!  Advantage:  Push

The Cops:  Chief Clancy Wiggum vs. Officer Joe Swanson
Another toss-up.  Let’s just say I respect their authoritahhh, and leave it at that!  Advantage:  Push

Final analysis:  Family Guy 5, Simpsons 4, Push 3.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t come up with a good counterpart to compare the irrepressible Glen Quagmire to, so he’s in a class all by himself.  Advantage:  Giggity!!  Still, the results are pretty even all the way through.  Just goes to prove these are both classic TV comedies.

Blogging with Myself (Oh-oh-uh-OH!)

POST-ELECTION HANGOVER?
I haven’t been in very much of a creative mood over the last week or so, therefore, I haven’t posted much lately.  Not unlike the news media, I’ve had to re-charge my batteries a bit since the election, plus I’ve been in a bit of a personal funk lately…

MITCH MITCHELL, 1947-2008
And just as my mood was beginning to brighten today, I read of the passing of Jimi Hendrix Experience drummer Mitch Mitchell at age 61.  Mitchell (whose given name was actually John) was found dead in a hotel room in Portland, Oregon, evidently of natural causes while performing on the “Experience Hendrix Tour”.  MM was one of my all-time favorite drummers—a somewhat tamer version of Keith Moon, if you will—and 1967’s “Fire” may well have been the greatest three minutes of any drummer’s career.  Coincidentally, Mitchell was born in the same town in England as Moon.  Rest in peace, Mitch…

CANCEL CHRISTMAS—PLEASE!!
Call me Scrooge all you want, but I’m sick of the Yuletide season already.  Home Depot and Lowe’s had their Xmas stuff up for sale by Labor Day, one of our local radio stations started playing wall-to-wall Christmas songs when the clock struck Midnight on Halloween, and now all the Christians are fighting against the alleged “War on Christmas” again this year because of bans on nativity scenes and Xmas decorations on U.S. government property, etc.  Hell, is the holiday season even worth it, anymore?

In a related development, thanks to the current economic climate, I paid a rather surreal visit to Target last night—the place was a virtual ghost town!  Granted, it was a Tuesday and the weather was wet and yucky out, but it was still weird to practically have the entire store to myself during what is normally the holiday shopping season.

CLINGING TO GUNS RELIGIOUSLY
A predictable spate of raging paranoia has NRA-types in its clutches in the wake of Barack Obama’s ascent to the Presidency, thus sparking a run on guns at local shops, as the Gun Lobby thinks the President-Elect wants to take their precious weaponry away from them.  These folks may well be unemployed thanks to our current economic abyss, but by God, they shure have their priorities in order by spending what little money they have left to pad their arse(enals).

For the record, Mr. Obama only wants to ban semi-automatic weapons, and once again, could one of you junior Ted Nugents (preferably a literate one) please explain to me (like I’m a four-year-old) exactly why anyone other than law enforcement or military personnel would have use for assault rifles anyway?

SURE SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Not only did we elect a black President for the first time in our history last week, but my parental units now willingly have cable TV!  Even scarier, the cable guy showed up early to install it for them!  What’s worse, for the first time ever, my parents now have a nicer TV than I do. WTF?!?

A little background:  my father is one of the most conservative people on this planet, and is highly-resistant to change (a trait I sadly inherited from him).  Therefore, little luxuries like cable TV and push-button telephones have always been foreign concepts to dear ol’ Dad, but he was forced to give up his rotary-dial phone against his will a few years ago, yet he’s been watching the same 27” Zenith floor-model console color TV since 1984 (my Junior year in college, btw).  Mom has been badgering him for a new TV for years, and after numerous visits to my sister’s house and watching shows on her fancy newfangled set, she finally broke him down and convinced him to join the rest of us in the 21st Century and get a 42” Samsung flat screen TV and cable to go with it.  Now the man is forced to learn how to work a remote control for the first time in his life!  If Dad gets a personal computer, then I’ll know for sure that life as we know it is about to end…

TRUER THAN FICTION?
Speaking of cable TV, why was the film Apollo 13 on Sci-Fi Channel last week?  Wasn’t that a true story?  Science, yes, but there was nothing fictional about it...

While I’m on Apollo 13, I recently observed a small goof in this fine movie.  During the opening scene where everyone is gathered at the Lovell household in Houston to watch the Apollo 11 moon landing on TV, several of the gentlemen there are wearing sport coats.  Uhhh, long sleeves in Texas in July?!?  Now that's Science Fiction!

I MUST DO MY ALMA-MATER, I MUST DO MY ALMA-MATER…
Congrats to my Raytown South High Cardinals for their first round victory in the Missouri Class 5 football playoffs the other night against the dreaded Winnetonka Griffins (no relation to the Quahog Griffins).  Ray-South is a perennial basketball power, but rarely does the football team make the state playoffs.  The Cards are 10-1, and will next play the school that gave them their lone loss this season, the Injuns of Fort Osage, aka good ol’ “F.O.”.  Go Big Red!

UNFATHOMABLE!
“Tom Brady works out at Patriots’ team facility”; “Lindsay Lohan calls Obama ‘first colored President’”  Could someone please explain to me why either of these headlines I saw on the Internet today are newsworthy?!?

HE AIN’T NO DUMMY…
Comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham has been a recent DVD view for me.  A brief sampling of deep thoughts from JD:

—Jeff:  “If you try to choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?”

—Jeff:  “What’s your favorite beer?”  Bubba J:  “An open one.”

—Jeff:  “How do you know when you’ve had too many?”  Bubba J:  “When I run out.”

I don’t know how the hell he keeps track of all those voices, but this dude is fuggin’ funny!

Meet the new boss...

…not quite the same as the old boss!

Yesterday was most certainly an important one in our history, and I was quite pleased with the outcome, for the most part, with Barack Obama defeating John McCain for President—fair and square, I might add—none of this having to recount Florida’s vote or protesting the results in Ohio, etc.  The popular vote was a whole lot closer than I expected, but what I was most impressed with was the high voter turnout, which exceeded everyone’s expectations.  Let’s hope this isn’t a one-time phenomenon, either.  With Obama’s victory, I improved my Presidential voting record to 2-and-5 (Clinton in ’92 was my only other winner).  And no, I didn’t vote for Al Gore in ’00 or Boob Dole in ’96—I voted for whomever the Libertarian candidates were in those years.

I hope all the bigots out there who have issues with Obama being Black will at least give the man a chance to be a good President, but I’m sure they won’t.  Hell, I don’t give a damn if he’s plaid if he can get this ship righted and moving forward again.  I’m also not averse to the idea of a female President someday soon, but I think we can do a helluva lot better than Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin.  Anyway, I’m not naïve enough to believe Obama’s going to fix everything, but I’m hopeful that he can at least do as Dennis DeYoung sang in the Styx song “Suite Madame Blue” and “lead us away from here…”

I CALLED IT…
As for McCain, I correctly predicted two months ago that naming Sarah Palin as his running mate would be his undoing, and that’s what he gets for thinking with his dick.  Now Ms. Winky-Dink’s 15 minutes of fame are over, so I guess she’ll just have to return all those nice clothes to Nieman-Marcus and go back to hanging out with Joe Six-Pack/Plumber and dressing deer in Moose Twit, Alaska.  Something tells me we haven’t heard the last of her, though—it wouldn’t surprise me if she winds up hosting some vapid talk show on daytime TV.  Either that, or she’ll be on “Dancing With The Stars” next season.

MEDIA OVERKILL
I didn’t watch a whole lot of the TV coverage last night—it was more fun viewing the constant updates on MSNBC’s webpage instead of listening to the battalion of talking heads on all the networks—but I couldn’t help but note how Al Sharpton and Jesse "I'd like to cut his nuts off" Jackson just had to steal some face-time on TV during Obama’s celebration, even though their contributions to his cause were irrelevant, at best.  It figures.  And then there was Pat Robertson sitting there looking all forlorn on his Jesus Channel with skidmarks in his drawers.  Short of a gay President, I bet Obama winning this election is just about Pat’s worst nightmare.

THERE’S A TEAR IN HIS BEER
I read today that Hank Williams, Jr. performed the National Anthem (coherently?!?) at a McCain rally in Colorado just to show-up Obama.  I also heard a radio ad that Hank Jr. did for McCain the other day where he ripped on Obama’s “clinging to guns and religion” comment from way back when.  By relying on endorsements from this drunken has-been, is it any wonder McCain lost?  At least Bruce Springsteen is still a relevant musician!  Go have another Bourbon and shut the fuck up, Hank…

RAISIN’ HELL AT THE POLLS
Much to my surprise, I did not have to wait in line at all when I went to vote a little after 5PM yesterday.  Nary a Republican got my vote (and they might never get it again, either!), and as per my usual, I voted to kick out all the judges, and I even voted for Nixon!  That would be Jay Nixon, the new Governor-elect of Missouri.  What I don’t get is why a governor doesn’t have a running mate like a President, thus we have a Democratic Governor and a Republican Lt. (i.e., Vice-) Governor.  Makes no sense.

Okay, now we can all exhale!

When Electricity Came FROM Arkansas (Revised)

When I started this blog almost two years ago, the first official band tribute I ever did was for one of my all-time favorite groups, Black Oak Arkansas.  I re-read it the other day and didn’t like the “drive-by” quality of that post and felt like I’d shortchanged the band just a skosh, so I decided to flesh it out a bit more and elaborate…

Whenever you had a band that Rolling Stone magazine’s music critics hated, chances are pretty good that I liked them (to wit, Kiss, Grand Funk Railroad, Styx, Rush, Z.Z. Top, et al), and Black Oak Arkansas is a prime example.  One such critic derisively summed up BOA’s career by saying, "Black Oak’s distinguishing characteristic is that the band has three guitarists who collectively don’t even add up to one good one."  Funny line, yes, but not quite true, and this is precisely why I rarely listen to music critics!  And thankfully, neither does the paying public, because BOA sold a boatload of records in the early ‘70s and they were a major concert attraction as well, especially around these parts.

Originally called the Knowbody Else, BOA formed in the mid-‘60s in and around the Jonesboro area of northeast Arkansas, just a ways northwest of Memphis.  The band went through more personnel changes throughout its tenure than Sprint does following a layoff, but the one constant was lead singer Jim "Dandy" Mangrum, and the band was subsequently named after his hometown of Black Oak.  While hardly the most photogenic guy in the world, Dandy still had big-time sex appeal for the women-folk out there with his long blonde hair, skin-tight white pants (which showed off his well-endowed-ness!) and bare chest—clearly the blueprint one young David Lee Roth of Van Halen followed later in the ‘70s.  JD was/is a colorful dude, too, growling and howling his vocals and playing a mean washboard to boot.  The band also included journeyman drummer Tommy Aldridge from 1972-76 and Mangrum’s longtime friend and cohort Rickie Lee Reynolds on rhythm guitar.

After recording one record for legendary Memphis R&B label Stax Records, the band landed a better deal with Atco and released their self-titled album in 1971, which my older sister bought (sort of on a lark) and that’s how I was introduced to the band.  Black Oak Arkansas is one of my favorite albums ever, featuring “Hot And Nasty” (which still gets a spin on Classic Rock radio now and then), “Lord Have Mercy On My Soul”, “Uncle Lijiah”, “When Electricity Came To Arkansas” and a hilarious cover version of Marty Robbins’ 1956 classic “Singin’ the Blues”.  Another humorous remake, LaVern Baker’s “Jim Dandy”, even cracked the Top 40 in early 1974, and throughout the early ‘70s, BOA was one of the hottest live acts in the country, and I wish I could have seen them in concert during their heyday, which is highlighted on their 30th anniversary DVD on Rhino.  Although the production value is a bit lacking on the DVD (there’s a graphic on it saying they played at London’s "Royal Alberts Hall"!), the vintage footage of the band in concert is excellent.

The band’s success enabled them to purchase a large residential compound in north central Arkansas near the town of Oakland in the Ozark Mountains where the band lived and recreated for a few years but by the time they fulfilled their contract on Atco in 1975, record sales started drying up.  Their three albums for MCA in ‘75 and ‘76 stiffed out, and then they panicked and dropped “Arkansas” from their name in 1977 in a failed attempt to de-Southernize the band.  Mangrum gave the band a complete overhaul and brought in a bunch of “real musicians” to impress the critics with, while he himself actually tried to sing instead of growling.  Didn’t work.  They wound up looking and sounding like an edgy Pablo Cruise or something.  The two just plain Black Oak albums they made for Capricorn Records (home of the Allman Bros.) were just plain flops, although 1977’s Race With The Devil had its moments, and by 1979, the band was history altogether.

Mangrum and Reynolds resurrected Black Oak Arkansas in the ‘90s and continue to tour today with an ever-changing lineup of younger musicians, and sadly, they don’t do the original band justice.  It’s also unfortunate that most people only know of “Hot And Nasty” and “Jim Dandy”, because there was so much more to this band, and it’s a shame they are so vastly overlooked.  Okay, even I will readily admit that musicianship-wise Black Oak Arkansas wasn’t a great band—good, yet hardly great—but being technically proficient isn’t always that important to me.  Emerson Lake & Palmer were technically very good musicians—but live in concert, ELP was about as exhilarating as watching “World Series of Poker”.  BOA’s music was just plain fun, and sometimes being fun and entertaining far outweighs being virtuosos, and I’ve found it’s damn near impossible to be in a bad mood while listening to a BOA record.  Thus, while the aging hippies over at Rolling Stone still spend all their waking hours dissecting those Pink Floyd and King Crimson records note-for-note, I’ll continue to boogie to Jim and the boys.  Jim Dandy to the rescue, indeed!

My all-time Black Oak Arkansas Top 21:
21) “I Could Love You” (1971)  One of BOA’s edgier tunes, featuring guitarist Harvey “Burley” Jett playing with his wah-wah (pedal).
20) “Rock ‘N’ Roll” (1976)  Not the famed Led Zep tune, but a BOA original, and one of the better songs from their uninspired three-album stint on MCA Records.  A little studio trickery was used here, as they overdubbed concert crowd noise that grows louder as the song goes along and builds to a climactic crescendo.
19) “Taxman” (1975)  Given George Harrison’s somewhat passive nature, he never really fit the part of a mean ol’ Taxman very well, but JD Mangrum sure did in this Dandy (sorry!) remake of GH’s Beatle classic.
18) “Up” (1973)  Never recorded in the studio and only available on Black Oak’s first live release, Raunch ‘N’ Roll, it features one of the bitchinest drum solos I’ve ever heard, courtesy of Tommy Aldridge.
17) “Son Of A Gun” (1974)  Love the attitude on this one from Street Party, which is about not worrying about other people’s expectations of you.
16) “Hey Y’all” (1974)  Also from Street Party, this one became a perennial concert opener during their later years.  The intro sounds a bit like Kiss’ “Detroit Rock City”.
15) “Memories At The Window” (1971)  Sounding almost Guess Who-like in places, this one from the first album also features some nifty steel guitar from Stanley “Goober Grin” Knight.
14) “Fever In My Mind” (1972)  Easily the best song off BOA’s rather weak second album Keep The Faith.  It sounds even better on 1975’s Live Mutha!.
13) “Singin’ The Blues” (1971)  BOA excelled at doing cover versions that improved upon their originals, and this remake of the Marty Robbins classic is a real stitch.
12) “Dixie” (1974)  A fun little instrumental re-working of Granny Clampett’s favorite song sandwiched between an á capella intro and outro.
11) “Uncle Lijiah” (1971)  Opening track off the first album, ol’ Lijiah seemed like he was a relative of the Clampetts.  He’s still kickin’ at 105, too…
10) “Hot And Nasty” (1971)  As a kid and prepubescent listening to this song, I didn’t fully comprehend what all the “Ah…ah…oooh!” stuff Jim was doing at the end was about.  I got the full Monty years later when I saw Jim simulating the ol’ bump ‘n’ grind on stage on the DVD concert footage.
9) “Red Hot Lovin’” (1973)  With lines like “Flaming redheads have notorious fame to make a man do crazy things…” and "I've got my rail in the oven...", this was no doubt inspired by redheaded singer Ruby Starr, whose band Grey Ghost often toured in tandem with BOA.  Sadly, Ruby died of brain cancer in 1995.
8) “Jim Dandy” (1973)  BOA’s only sniff of the Top 40, climbing all the way to #25.  It rips LaVern Baker’s original to shreds.
7) “Lord Have Mercy On My Soul” (1971)  Strange irony that a mean old agnostic like me would embrace a song with pseudo-religious undertones, but I’ve always loved this little ditty about the "Halls of Karma".  The riff sounds kinda like the Hollies’ “Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)” too.
6) “Let Life Be Good To You” (1975)  Ain’t Life Grand was easily BOA’s most underrated album, and on this track, Jim sings about living life to its fullest and doing stuff you enjoy.  I’m not much of an outdoorsy-type, but the way Jim sang about “campin’ out, cookin’ trout, under a sky of blue…” almost made me want to grab a fishin’ pole!
5) “Race With The Devil” (1977)  Respectable remake of a song by Adrian Gurvitz, this was easily the highlight of the just plain Black Oak period, but it was also the beginning of the end for BO(A).  Heavy metal chick band Girlschool did an even meaner remake of RWTD in 1981.
4) “Hot Rod” (1973)  Another fresh track introduced for the first time on the live Raunch ‘n’ Roll record.  Just to clarify, it ain’t necessarily about speedy motor vehicles!
3) “Cryin' Shame” (1975)  This song has a great riff and it’s very applicable for our current economic situation: “Any way you see it, the name’s the same/Can somebody tell me now, who’s to blame?...Livin’ like this is a cryin’ shame…”
2) “Rebel” (1975)  Another excellent song from Ain’t Life Grand, all about living life on the lam.  Should’ve been a staple on Classic Rock radio, but sadly, it wasn’t.
1) “When Electricity Came To Arkansas” (1971)  This one had all the fundamentalist Christian pinheads (you can’t spell fundamentalist without “mental”, btw) in a tizzy because they thought it contained Satanic messages via the process of backward-masking.  Funny how quickly they forgot all about “Lord Have Mercy On My Soul” played forwards, eh?  Anyway, “Electricity” is mostly an instrumental (with a riff that sounds a bit like the “Odd Couple” theme), augmented with some communal chanting led by Jim Dandy.  Utterly silly, but loads of fun, too.

Hunt for Red Blogtober

SWINGIN’ IN THE RAIN, JUST SWINGIN’ IN THE RAIN…
Much jaw-jacking has ensued since Monday night’s suspension of Game 5 of the World Series in Philadelphia amongst the talking heads on ESPN and local sports talk yakkers about whether the game should’ve even been started in the first place.  Some have supported Commish Bud Selig’s decision to try to get the game in, while others are calling for his head for the umpteenth time.  I tend to side with Selig on this one.  If nothing else, I say just be glad he isn’t threatening to move this game to Milwaukee’s Miller Park, too!  Meanwhile, the debate rages on about the wisdom of playing beisbol this late into October, to which local sports radio hack Soren Petro says there should be a rule requiring all Major League teams to build retractable-roof stadiums in order to avoid situations like this.  Riiiight.

Once again, please allow yours truly to be the voice of reason and offer a more sensible solution:  if MLB insists on playing three sets of postseason series, then either schedule doubleheaders during the regular season or start the friggin’ playoffs a week earlier!  Another thing—eliminate these pointless off-days during the postseason, except for when teams must travel cross-country.  Teams usually play three straight weeks (or more) without a day off during the regular season—why should that change in the playoffs?

Granted, rainouts can occur any time of year, but they could somewhat increase the chances of avoiding having to play baseball on frozen tundra in 20-degree wind chills (like tonight’s conditions in Philly) by finishing the World Series no later than, say, October 24th.  This could easily be accomplished by simply starting the regular season a week earlier during the last week of March.  Do we really need a whole month’s worth of Spring Training games anyway?  After about two weeks of exhibition games, the players are bored out of their skulls and ready to play for keeps.

Yes, I know it’ll be just as cold in late March as it is now in Philly and the other Northern cities, so to counteract that, I suggest opening every season in the warm-weather sites (So. California, Texas, Arizona, Florida) and stadiums with roofs (Toronto, Seattle, Milwaukee) for the first week-to-ten days.  It wouldn’t be that much of a disadvantage for teams like Detroit, Cleveland, Boston, the two New Yorks, the two Chicagos, et al, to open on the road every year—it all evens out with 81 home games and 81 road games in the long run.  Meantime, the old-school purist in me (and most assuredly Ernie Banks) would like to see the revival of the almighty doubleheader.  There was a time when it was tradition for all teams to schedule twin-bills on Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day, but we’ll never see that again.  In any event, there’s no reason why the baseball postseason should drag on like a Presidential election campaign.

DON’T EAT AT JOE’S
Can we please put a stop to all the Joe-the-This and Joe-the-That crap already?  Just another lame cliché the politicians and media grab onto and run with.  Freakin’ asinine…

LIMBO LITTLE LOWER NOW!
Man, I never thought I’d see this again—gas for under $2.00 a gallon!  I passed a place on the way home tonight selling gas for $1.93.  Let’s keep it that way for a while, shall we?

Now for the big question—since gas is now like half of what it cost us just three months ago, how come the price of meat and dairy products hasn’t decreased accordingly?  I thought the reason for the spike in meat and dairy prices was because it cost so much more to transport the cows and pigs and such, so why are t-bone steaks still $9.00 a pound?  Oh right, I forgot—gots ta keep dat profit margin up, right fellas?

HONOR THY FATHER?
Boy, what a loving Dad good ol’ Isiah Thomas must be, judging by the way he threw his own daughter under the bus by claiming she was the one who OD’ed on sleeping pills at his house last week, when indeed it was actually him passed out on the floor getting worked over by Morpheus.  I think this all goes a long way in explaining why he was such an inept coach and general manager with the New York Knicks (not to mention that sexual-harassment trial debacle).  Thomas was a great player, no doubt about it, but beyond that, he seems to be a real horse’s ass.

THEY DON’T KNOW ME VERY WELL, DO THEY?
I love Netflix to death because they carry all the old-school TV shows on DVD that I love to watch, but their computer-generated movie recommendations leave a bit to be desired.  Because of my interest in ‘70s fare like "Sanford & Son", "Happy Days" and "Cannon", Netflix thinks I will also enjoy the likes of "I, Claudius", "Eleanor & Franklin" and "Upstairs, Downstairs".  This is precisely what happens when we let computers do our thinking for us.  Uhhh, I think I’ll pass…

BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!
Speaking of Netflix videos that I enjoyed, last weekend I rented an old HBO concert featuring Pat Benatar from the 1983 Get Nervous tour, in which she "looked good enough to take to Chinatown", to use Fred Sanford’s yardstick.  Pat still looks pretty good today, but I’d almost forgotten how truly sexy she was back then, as she helped this growing boy get through puberty!

Two things I noticed during this video:  1) Pat's guitarist/husband Neil Giraldo bore an eerie resemblance to actor Patrick Swayze during that time, and 2) to her credit, Benatar didn’t resort to disappearing backstage after every fourth song to change into another outfit, which is SOP for the likes of Madonna, Britney Spears, Janet Jackson and even Stevie Nicks.  Thankfully, Pat saw no need to turn her concerts into runway fashion shows, thus she merely relied on her own natural talent as a singer to put on a great show.  Besides, that little cocktail dress, evening gloves, black hose and high heels looked just dandy on her—if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

Based on my interest in this video, I’m sure Netflix will probably recommend "Mantovanni In Concert", or worse, maybe the fictional "Helen Reddy—the Las Vegas Years" mentioned on a Cheech & Chong record way back when…

RADIO, SOMEONE STILL LOVES YOU…
Listening to over-the-air radio is becoming more and more excruciating as time wears on.  Every station on FM (regardless of musical format) sounds the same anymore, and you’re lucky to even hear live DJs in this day and age.  The Rock stations around here might as well all be automated, especially after the latest round of firings of popular on-air personalities at the Scumulus (er uh, Cumulus) conglomerate.  The once-promising new Boulevard station has been rendered almost unlistenable by the constant hawking of their "No Repeat Workday", which they make sure to remind us about every ten minutes.  I’d just as soon they repeat a song or two every day just to avoid the constant harangue.

A quick scan across the AM dial during my lunch break today was just as depressing.  All we get around here on AM are syndicated hacks like Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura on the ultra-conservative news/talk stations, Dickey Dick-Brain Jim Rome over on the sports station, a couple of Jesus stations telling us we’re all going to hell next week (but please send us some money first) and three Spanish stations that have seemingly materialized out of nowhere in the last couple months.  About the only thing worth listening to at lunchtime was financial guru Dave Ramsey, and even he got rather tedious after only a few minutes.  I’m unable to listen to AM throughout the day at work because our MR magnet kills any AM signal, but it would appear I ain’t missing much.  Pretty damn sad…

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS…
As AC/DC sings, "Let’s get it up!"  Special thanks to Greg (aka "Fork") for sending me this one!

"They Died Old"--Volume VII

"The Corner"

It was one of my favorite ballparks to watch games (both baseball and football) from on TV over the years, and it’s been a while since I did a stadium tribute, so here’s to one of the most venerable ballparks in Major League history, Detroit’s Tiger Stadium.  Located at the corner of Michigan Ave. and Trumbull St. (or just plain “The Corner” as the locals call it there) on the southwest side of downtown Motown, it opened the same day as Boston’s Fenway Park in 1912, and was originally known as Navin Field.  The stadium was expanded several times over the years, and was known for a time as Briggs Stadium before settling on the name Tiger Stadium in 1961.  With a capacity of over 50,000, it still managed to be a rather intimate ballpark, with a press box that practically hovered over home plate, and seating that made you feel right on top of the action.

My first memories of Tiger Stadium on TV are actually of the Detroit Lions playing football there in the early ‘70s, especially on their annual Thanksgiving Day games.  It seemed like whenever the Lions were on TV, it was always rainy and/or snowy, and the field was total wreck, which suited me just fine—I love watching football played in the muck!  The original opening title sequence of ABC’s “Monday Night Football” featured Tiger Stadium in Lions mode, with the massive bank of arc lights towering overhead, and whenever I see that old video, it takes me back to when I was seven and just obsessed with football in general.  I was so very disappointed to learn during their final Turkey Day game at TS in 1974 that the Lions would be moving to the sterile Silverdome in Pontiac the following year.  At least it snowed during that game—one more for the road…

Baseball, of course, was the main course at The Corner, and Detroit certainly has had its fair share of Hall of Famers and superstars on the diamond, with the likes of Hank Greenberg, Al Kaline, Mickey Cochrane, Mickey Lolich, Lou Whitaker, Alan Trammell, Kirk Gibson and Jack Morris, along with the ever-wacky Mark “The Bird” Fidrych and a guy who I think had one of the coolest names in sports history, third baseman Aurelio Rodriguez.  And everyone remembers Reggie Jackson’s mammoth home run that damn near left the stadium (but for the light tower on the right field roof) in the 1971 All-Star Game.  The Tigers’ 1968 championship season helped to ease at least some of the racial tension caused by the riots that summer, while their 1984 World Series victory over San Diego actually caused riots in the city!  Through it all, Tiger Stadium stood tall.

Like most old parks, TS had lots of goofy quirks, like the right field upper deck that actually hung over the warning track, causing some would-be fly-outs to be home runs. Dead center field was 440 feet from home plate, so if anyone hit a home run in that direction, they earned it.  There was the flagpole that was in-play in left center field, and I also loved the old-school scoreboard imbedded in the short left field wall.  Screw these new high-tech, multi-color video screens that nearly every stadium has in its outfield wall now, I say—they got no soul at all!  Another feature I always thought as cool was the bunker-like bullpen dugouts along the foul lines.  The players didn’t think quite so highly of them, though, as evidently they were beastly hot during the summer, so most of the pitchers sat around on folding chairs outside of the dugouts.  And then there were the gangplank-like concrete walkways that led to the upper deck.  Old Municipal Stadium here in K.C. had them too, as does Chicago’s Wrigley Field, and I loved looking down over the people downstairs while walking across.  Sadly, they don’t make ballparks like these anymore…

I paid my only visit to Tiger Stadium on a frigid May night (that’s right, frigid May night!) in 1991, and enjoyed what I saw.  While the concourses were a tad on the dirty side, I was surprised at how immaculate the seating areas were and impressed with the overall condition of the stadium for its age.  My thought is if they had acted then, they may well have been able to do a full-fledged renovation and preserve Tiger Stadium instead of building their fancy new (yet totally soulless) ballpark, even if it meant playing a season or two somehow in the putrid Silverdome in the interim.  One of Tiger Stadium’s final hurrahs came when it hosted the opening night of the Kiss Reunion Tour on June 28, 1996.  TS was an odd choice of venue, given that it hadn’t hosted a concert in ages, and that Kiss could’ve easily packed in twice as many people up in Pontiac, but it wound up being a smashing success and a great time was had by all.  TS closed down for good on September 26, 1999 as the Tigers beat the Royals, who also helped close down Minnesota’s Metropolitan Stadium in 1981.

Not long after it closed, Tiger Stadium even did a little acting, standing in for the original Yankee Stadium right field corner and dugouts in Billy Crystal’s fine film 61* about the late Roger Maris.  Workers went through and painted the seats green to resemble the old ones at the House That Ruth Built, then actually went back and restored them to their original orange and blue after filming was completed, even though they’d never be used again anyway.  The ball diamond at Tiger Stadium has also been continuously maintained since the park closed, even during its recent partial demolition.

There have been a few preservation efforts, including one called the Cochrane Plan back in the ‘90s that was fairly ambitious, except for when it came to actually financing it.  There was even talk of incorporating part of the Tiger Stadium stands into a new hockey arena for the Red Wings and developing the rest of the stadium into an office complex, but I think that’s about all it was—talk.  Sadly, what ultimately killed Tiger Stadium (besides its age) is the neighborhood it resides in, which is not exactly rife for development in the area surrounding the ballpark.  I don’t mean to prolong the stereotype that ALL of Detroit is a hell-hole—I’ve been there many times and it’s not as bad as people make it out to be—but it just didn’t make any sense to pour zillions of dollars into refurbishing a stadium that sits in an area similar to downtown Baghdad, thus we now have Comerica Park a mile away in a much more user-friendly entertainment district.

The stadium stood vacant and time ravaged it mercilessly (see above pic) until this past summer when demolition began on the left field stands.  Yet another last-ditch preservation attempt led by legendary Tigers announcer Ernie Harwell has resulted in a compromise of sorts, as the grandstand from first base to third base remains standing with the hope that it can be put back into use as either a museum or possibly even as minor league ballpark, thus we’re left with what you see in this pic.  I guess half a ballpark is better than none at all, but it sure looks weird to me.  Nevertheless, the “Field of Dreams” at The Corner was a true classic.

I don't care if your legs start achin'...

...I'm a California Man—Not! But at least I've been there...

RIGHTEOUS BUCKS
It seems that the Republican National Committee hath spent over $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe and other “campaign accessories” since she became John McCain’s bitch—I mean, running mate.  This included 75 grand at a Nieman-Marcus in the Twin Cities, nearly 42 grand at another one in St. Louis and $4,100 for “makeup and hair consulting.”  And these people have the nerve to call themselves conservatives?

Now I realize that the options for different styles might be a tad limited back home in Moose Twit, Alaska (they don’t even have a Wal-Mart up there yet, do they?), but surely Ms. Winky-Dink already had some nice threads of her own, being a politician and all.  Apparently $150,000 must not buy much these days, because some of the stuff I’ve seen her wear looks like K-Mart blue-light specials to me.  And four grand for makeup and hair?  The woman’s in her mid-40s and doesn’t know how to do her makeup by now?  And how much tutoring does a woman require to learn how to wad her hair up in a scrunchie (sp?) and call it hairstyle?  What a fucking waste of money…

The GOP claims that the clothes will eventually be donated to charity.  Yeah, right—I’ll believe that on the day Ted Nugent does a cover version of “It’s Hard To Be Humble”…

COUNTING THE DAYS…
Hang in there, kids, this interminable election campaign is almost over, thankfully.  Doesn’t it seem like it’s gone on for like three years, or what?  Some states are allowing early voting now, which I think is a step in the right direction, but I’d like to see more changes on how we elect a President.  First off, this Electoral College thing should’ve been scrapped ages ago.  The U.S. was a much different country and not even a quarter of the size it is now when the EC was conceived, and there was a time when it served a purpose, but now it’s as obsolete as Big Band Music and Edsels.  I find it inconceivable in our modern-day world that a candidate can win the Popular Vote, yet not be elected President.

Another thing that’s always bugged me—why do we always hold elections on a weekday when most people are working?  Why can’t the polls stay open later in the evening (until say, 10:00) when people have more free time?  Better yet, why not conduct elections on Saturdays (or even entire weekends) when most everybody can get out and there would be no more excuses for not voting?

YEAH, THAT’LL FIX HIM, ALRIGHT!
This week, local K.C. radio sports talk hack Neal Jones is encouraging his listeners to all wear green t-shirts to the next Chefs home game that read “FIRE CARL” (in reference to GM Carl Peterson).  Sure, that’ll really get the message across and turn the team around.  His rationale is if the shirts are green and have no Chiefs logos or profanity on them, they’ll stand out and the Thought Police at Arrowhead can’t possibly ask the fans to remove them.  Okey-fine…

I have a slightly more devious idea that would be infinitely more effective—encourage people to cease renewing their season tickets with the Chefs!  A near-empty stadium on opening day, 2009 would speak louder than a bunch of crappy t-shirts ever could.  If I were a Chiefs season ticket holder, I wouldn’t spend another dime on this team until owner Clark Hunt cleans house in the front office and the coaching staff.

HERMSPEAK
Check out the following quote from Chefs head coach Herm Edwards yesterday regarding perpetual dumbass running back Larry Johnson:

"Decisions of all that will take place when it has to be made...I don't have to make a decision on who's starting, not starting.  That's kind of where that's at.  Whatever I do, hopefully I think you know me by now, people know me by now, I'm going to do the right thing for the football team.  That's where it stands with me."

I have never seen anyone who can use so many words and not say a damn thing quite like Herm can.  He’s sort of a hybrid of a politician and an evangelist.  I’ve tried giving Edwards the benefit of the doubt, but his shuck-and-jive routine with the media is wearing really thin on me, and I find it hard to believe he really means half the stuff he says anymore.  I’m ready for the Bill Cowher era to begin in Kansas City ASAP…

And the cloud over Arrowhead Stadium grows darker by the day, as today the Chefs had to put QB Damon Huard on the Injured Reserve list in addition to starter Brodie Croyle, who we already knew was out for the year.  I'd volunteer to help out at the QB situation, but I'm afraid I'd look like Peter Griffin trying to elude those defensive tackles.  The Chefs' mascot, K.C. Wolf, may well have to suit up on Sunday.

As for Johnson, it’s pretty obvious that he’s on the verge of becoming another Pacman Jones, as this latest incident involving him spitting his drink all over some gal at a local nightclub is becoming a trend—like four times in the last five years he's been accused of doing something uncouth with a woman at a bar late at night.  He got up in front of the media and gave some half-hearted apology to the team and the fans today, but I didn't buy any of it.  LJ needs to quit hanging out with his buddy Jay-Z and his homey entourage and stay home a little more and read his playbook, methinks.  With the economy being what it is today, it’s now even more galling to see talented athletes like Jones and Johnson piss their money and careers away that others would give their left nuts to have.

REGRETS, HE’S HAD A FEW…
Speaking of talented athletes who pissed their money and career away, the poster child for that movement, Jose Canseco, admitted on A&E Monday that maybe he shouldn’t have written that tell-all book about steroid usage in baseball because now everybody’s mad at him.  Well, duh!  This guy was a whiner when he played, he was a whiner when he retired, and he’s an even bigger whiner now that he’s broke and can’t get it up anymore.  Cry me a friggin’ river, Jose…

BUH-BYE!
You won’t see me shedding any tears over this week’s passing of self-appointed fashion critic Mr. Blackwell.  Although some of the people this insufferable twit targeted with his verbal barbs deserved it (Madonna, Bjork, et al), many of them didn’t (Renee Zellweger, Meryl Streep, etc.), and I’ve never understood why he was so revered in Hollywood.  I always wanted to say to him, “Who asked you, anyway?”  Good riddance to an asshole, I say…

THAT CAT NAMED HERCULEZ!
Congrats to K.C. Wiz(ards) player Herculez Gomez for scoring his first goal with the team in their victory against San Jose on Saturday.  Good timing too, as it turned out to be a game-winner in what they call "extra time" in MLS that may well propel our local futbol team into the postseason.  Mamma Klump would be so proud—Herculez!  Herculez!  Herculez!

MY SERIES PROGNOSTICATION
I say Tampa Bay Rays in six games on the World Serious.  Or as football guru Mike Ditka called them the other day, the "Tampa Ray Bays"!  Nothing personal against the Phillies—they actually seem to have more talent on paper—but TB has been bucking the trend all season, so why pick against them now?  Should be a fun series, no matter what, and I like the fact that either a team who's never won it all or a team that's long overdue for a championship will prevail, not to mention that neither the Red Sox or Yankees are not involved.

A little historical tidbit for you—tonight will mark the first time a World Series game has ever been played in a former National Hockey League venue.  Easy to forget that Tropicana Field (aka Florida Suncoast Dome) was once home to the Tampa Bay Lightning back in the '90s when they used to draw crowds over 20,000 with alarming frequency when the place was known as the "Thunderdome".

TEARIN’ DOWN THE HOUSE…
Here's a shot of the ongoing demolition of New York’s Shea Stadium.  It’s literally standing room only at Flushing Meadow now…








And here's something you don't see every day—transporting oversized fruit from one ballpark to another!

Here comes Mr. Bill's blog...

Oh, noooooooo!

LEVI STUBBS, 1936-2008
Sad news on the music front with the passing Friday of Four Tops lead singer Levi Stubbs.  Levi had one of the more distinctive voices in Pop music, and although he was accused of over-emoting at times, Stubbs put such classics as "Reach Out...I'll Be There", "Bernadette" and "Standing In The Shadows Of Love" over the top with his peerless vocals.  Sadly, Levi was forced to retire about eight years ago because of declining health with strokes and cancer.  He was also known as the voice of "Audrey II" in the 1986 Steve Martin film Little Shop of Horrors.  Rest in peace, Levi...

NEAL HEFTI, 1922-2008
Similar to the late Earle Hagen, who passed away a few months back, you may not know the name, but you know of this man's work if you watched TV at all in the '60s and '70s.  Neal Hefti was a jazz musician/composer who came up with two of the most distinctive TV show themes of all-time, "Batman" and "The Odd Couple".  Hefti passed away last weekend of natural causes.

MIKE LIVINGSTON, WHERE ARE YOU?!?
As I type, I am watching what is becoming a weekly Sunday ritual around these parts as el Chiefos are being stomped by the Tennessee Titans at the 'Head, during which K.C.'s "quarterback of the future"—one Brodie Croyle—went out of the season with a knee injury in the first half.  Back-up Damon Huard is now out with a hand injury as well.  Somebody get Steve DeBerg, Steve Fuller or Bill Kenney on the phone right away!  Joe Montana's not doing anything these days, is he?  Even Todd Blackledge or (gulp!) Steve Bono would be a step in the right direction.  If nothing else, the Chefs are turning the "three-and-out" into an art form this season.  That's okay, though—I picked up the Titans defense, as well as their kicker for my fantasy team this week.

Btw, John, my good friend, if I'm still being too cynical for you and it irritates you that much, then don't read my blog anymore—I'm cynical, therefore for I am...

M.U. = P.U.!
Sad to say, but the Missouri Tigers just can't get quite over the hump—as I've feared—and got smoked by Texas last night 56-31 in Austin.  It was 35-0 at halftime and Missouri looked like—hate to say this—the Chefs.  Kansas looked no better against Oklahoma in Norman yesterday, either.

GET A NEW RUG, ST. LOUIE!
I was rather bemused while watching the highlights of the Cowboys-Rams game today in St. Lou at how ugly their FieldTurf playing surface is at the Ram Dome.  I haven't seen anything this hideous since the "Jungle Room" at Graceland.  Watch "SportsCenter" on ESPN tonight and you'll see what I mean...

HEIDI-HEIDI HO!
Interesting match-up in the NFL today as the New York Jets travel to Oakland to play the Raiders in the almost-40th anniversary of the famed "Heidi Game" of 1968.  For the uninitiated, on November 17, 1968, the Jets and Raiders played a very exciting game that New York was on the verge of winning 32-29 with 1:06 remaining on the clock, but some crazy shit happened during the final 66 seconds, and the Raiders won the game 43-32, but most of the nation didn't get to see the end of the game because NBC cut away to its regularly-scheduled broadcast of the childrens' show "Heidi" at 7PM, Eastern time.  Irate viewers blew out the switchboards in Gotham City, and because of the tumult this thing caused, the networks haven't cut away from football broadcasts (or those of any other sport) until their conclusion since.  What I find cool about this game today is it's being played on the same field and both team's uniforms are virtually identical to those worn in 1968.  Too bad Joe Namath and Daryle Lamonica can't still suit up...

The funniest story I ever heard about this game was when Jets coach Weeb Ewbank received a postgame phone call in the locker room from his wife, congratulating him on his "victory", to which he responded, "What the hell you talking about?  We lost the #^%&*@@~ game!"

IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS!
When I returned from California back in late August, gas was still priced at around $3.66 a gallon in the K.C. area.  Today, not even two months later, you can fill up for $2.35 a gallon!  That's a difference of $1.31 a gallon in less in barely seven weeks.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but something ain't right here.  Why did the price of gas ever have to be that high in the first place?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #99
"Success Story"—THE WHO (1975)  "I'm your fairy manager...you shall play at Carnegie Hall!"  I had trouble making out what the mighty Ox said here during his little spoken passage.  I thought he said, "I'm you film manager—you shall play a comic role..."  Big Johnnie Twinkle was a little hard to understand at times...

HYPOCRISY, 101
Very disgusted on this end to hear that the new AC/DC album due out Tuesday will only be available only at your local Wal-Mart store for two reasons:  A) That AC/DC is following the lead of The Eagles in succumbing to this corporate bullshit in the first place, and B) that Wally-World would even want to be involved in promoting a heavy metal act in their ultra-conservative/über-Christian marketplace.  After all, these are the same people who banned those veritable heathens Judas Priest from their music shelves not so long ago, and would only dare to stock anything as edgy as the New Christy Minstrels, Donny Osmond, John Denver and Yanni.  Hell, even the Partridge Family and ABBA would've been deemed too satanic for these sanctimonious pussies back in the day.  A pox on both entities here...

DOMO ARIGATO? NO THANKS, MR. ROBOTO!
After reading Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo's biography, I decided to rent the Styx concert DVD Caught Live In The Act from 1984 that chronicled the 1983 Kilroy Was Here tour.  After 25 years, I'd forgotten how truly heinous this thing was!  Looking back now, I think I was pretty kind to this debacle in my review of this show in "Concert Trek - Episode 5"--upon further review, it was worse that I remembered with the stilted dialogue and hackneyed acting.  I have no doubt that Panozzo and guitarists Tommy Shaw and James "J.Y." Young just cringe when they watch this abomination today.  In his book, CP admitted that he would just sit quietly with his bass offstage and not even watch the first ten minutes of the show while Shaw and Dennis DeYoung hammed it up for the audience.  DeYoung's Broadway-style theater elements were definitely not a good mix at all, and it's no mystery as to why this once-mighty band fell apart not soon afterwards.  The DVD wasn't totally wretched, though—it also includes nearly all of Styx's music videos from the '70s and '80s (some of which are quite good) as a bonus feature, which I found far more entertaining that the feature presentation.