Flip, Blog & Fly

...I don't care if I die!  Great drinking song, btw...

WEATHER OR NOT
Okay, they had a massive ice storm in New England that put millions in the dark this week, it snowed in New Orleans and we're getting January weather here already and winter doesn't even start officially for another week.  A nice little cold front is supposed to charge through here tomorrow afternoon and drop the temps. about 40 degrees by tomorrow night and it's not even going to get out of the teens on Monday.  Time to recite my annual refrain:  Global Warming, my ass!!

CAN YOU SAY "SNAKEBIT"?
For the fourth straight year, the Northwest Missouri State Univ. Bearcats lost in the Division II championship game today in Florence, Alabama, this time to Minnesota-Duluth, 21-14.  Unlike the first three times, however, this game wasn't a heartbreaker that got away from them late—NWMS struggled all day long on offense and turned the ball over way too often.  Now the Bearcats will go down in infamy with the Buffalo Bills for reaching the title game four straight times and losing it.

DENNIS YOST, 1943-2008
Here's a name that might've slipped through the cracks for you in the news this week, but sadly, singer Dennis Yost of the Classics IV passed away this week at age 65 of respiratory failure in Cincinnati.  He'd been in nursing homes since a 2005 fall left him with brain damage.  Yost had such a smooth voice on those Classics IV classics "Spooky", "Stormy" and "Every Day With You, Girl", among others, in the late '60s.  Unfortunately, his career stalled out when the group broke up.  Rest in peace, Dennis.

END OF AN ERA—I GUESS...
It was announced this week that 2008 will be the final year for the TD Pack Band, the Kansas City Chefs' in-house stadium band that originated in 1963 when the team moved here from Dallas.  The band is being disbanded mostly because the team decided not to include a space for them to play in the remodeling plans for Arrowhead Stadium.  The band was originally led by 96-year-old trumpeter Tony DiPardo, who has been one of the team's most beloved and ardent boosters, throughout good times and bad, and his daughter Patti now leads the group after Tony's retirement some years ago.  Sadly, the quality of the music has declined since he stepped aside, and about all they play now is "Duh-duh-da-dut-da-DAHHH!"

Meantime, one of our local TV stations broke this story at 5AM the other morning after it snowed here the night before and I tuned in to get the latest road conditions.  These fools actually sent one of their reporters out to Arrowhead to deliver to us this "Breaking News", never mind that it was pitch-black outside and you couldn't even see the bloody stadium in the background!  Yeah, that really enhances your credibility there...

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?!?"—PART I
During a visit to Border's books the other night, in the CD section I came across one of those "20 Century Masters" best-of CDs for Swing Out Sister.  The "Breakout" group?!?  They had one lousy hit (and it most definitely was lousy!) and they rate a greatest-hits package?  Oh-bee, kay-bee...

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HUH?!?"—PART II
During that same visit to Border's the other night, in the DVD section, there was one shelf labeled "Cult Classics", and on that shelf was that legendary Danny Bonaduce flick, H.O.T.S.!  Cult classic?  Which cult is this, the cult of people that need two hours to watch "60 Minutes"?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #103
"Can I Put You On"—ELTON JOHN (1970)  "And the van that comes around weekends, selling fancy city things..."  This one's a bit obscure, but a great old song—I thought Elton was singing about "selling facts instead of things."  My brain isn't always wired too tight...

"OVERRATED" REDUX
I want to acknowledge Dr. Sardonicus and Randy Raley for their fine responses to my "Overrated" list a couple posts back.  For the good Dr., I want to clarify what I meant by the term "White Trash noise" in regards to the MC5 and the Black Crowes—I'll paraphrase what a critic once said about another band:  "Rock 'N' Roll can be mindless fun, but it shouldn't be this empty-headed..."

For Brother Randy regarding The Boss:  I, too, have been greatly touched by his music.  Back in 1999, I had a little rendez-vous with a female friend whom I'd become friends with on-line and we met for the first time in person about a year-and-a-half later in Denver and wound up having the mutual hots for each other that weekend.  While concerned about the effect "going all the way" would have on our existing friendship, I told her, "You know that Bruce Springsteen song 'Human Touch'?  That's what this weekend means to me."  Next morning, while at a grocery store shopping for some protection, who should I hear playing overhead, but The Boss himself singing "Human Touch"!  That "voice from above" told me that what we were about to do that night was okay, and I'll take that weekend to the grave with me.  And, oh by the way, she and I remain friends to this day.  Still and all, I think Springsteen gets a tad too much praise for practically everything he's done—as if he can do no wrong.  Let us not forget that even The Beatles put out a few clunkers (found mostly on the White Album and Let It Be) too.

In both your cases, I look forward to reading whatever you plan to post on your blogs in the future on this subject, which is certainly a fun one for debate.  Meantime, I'd forgotten one on my list:  Van Morrison.  His voice always sounds so bland to me, and he's about as dynamic a live performer as the great Roger Whittaker!  In the words of Airman Adrian Cronauer, "Boring as whale shit..."

History re-visited

I was rummaging through the archives here this week and came across some funnies that someone sent to me via e-mail about ten years ago.  The following are actual answers to 6th-grade history tests.  Given the state of our public school system in this country, these answers aren't terribly shocking.  But, they're highly entertaining, all the same...

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother’s son?"
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without ingredients.  Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them, we wouldn’t have history.  The Greeks also had myths.  A myth is a female moth.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits and threw the java.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus."
• Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing fiddle to them.
• In midevil times most people were alliterate.  The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
• Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen".  As a queen she was a success.  When she exposed herself before the troops they all shouted "hurrah."
• Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
• It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.  And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
• Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many died and many babies were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
• One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.  Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
• Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
• Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.  Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
• Meantime in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.  Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is clearly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
• Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Bach was the most famous composer in the world and was Handel.  Handel was half German half Italian and half English.  He was very large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
• The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.  Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  She was a moral woman who practice virtue.  Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
• The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.  Louis Pasteur disocovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. 
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest President.  Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth’s career.

Overrated!

In honor of one of my favorite adjectives, it's time to salute those groups and artists whom I find to largely be overrated by the critics and so-called “music experts”.  Keep in mind, their inclusion on this list doesn’t necessarily mean I dislike them—I merely find their work to be overly-lauded…

MC5—I have their greatest hits CD and have no idea why this band gets lauded as much as it does.  Nothing but ‘60s White Trash noise to me.

Black Crowes—More White Trash noise, this time featuring an anorexic male lead singer who somehow managed to charm the pant(ie)s off Kate Hudson at one time.  Eat something, Chris, will ya!

U2—I've softened my stance on these guys considerably in the last ten years or so after finally making peace with them and recognizing what a truly important band U2 is.  Having said all that, I still think they’re way too political (Bono especially), and their overall body of work gets way too much praise.

Bruce Springsteen—Okay, Randy and Dr. S., before you get your slings and arrows out, I do like Brucie—he’s put out some outstanding music over the years.  But similar to my feelings on U2, I think Springsteen is overly-praised at times, to the point where his mediocre stuff gets rave reviews just because he’s The Boss.  The Rising, for instance, was pretty flaccid (pun intended) to me.

Pink Floyd—Dark Side Of The Moon is friggin’ brilliant.  “One Of These Days” is an underrated classic.  Wish You Were Here ain‘t too shabby, either, but most everything else they’ve done is way overly-praised, especially The Wall, which is, hands down, the most overrated album in Rock history.  Apart from “Mother”, “Run Like Hell” and “Comfortably Numb”, that album never has clicked with me, and I’ve never quite gotten the point of its so-called “concept”.

Janis Joplin—Yes, Miss Pearl is an important figure in the evolution of Rock, especially considering how few women succeeded in such a male-dominated world in the early days, but it doesn’t take all that much talent to drunkenly scream and wail.  It also didn’t help that the bands she worked with were mostly mediocre-to-bad.

Jefferson Airplane—Unquestionably, the Airplane put out some landmark stuff in the late ‘60s, but beyond their 1967 album Surrealistic Pillow, there are only about a handful of other JA songs worth listening to (“Volunteers”, “Wooden Ships”, “Crown Of Creation”, “Greasy Heart”, and one or two others).  I totally agree with singer Marty Balin’s assessment of their post-1969 output as being “all drugged-out and coked-out—it was boring.”  The Jefferson Starship era from ‘75 through about ‘82 was much more prolific to me.

Lou Reed—Another guy the critics just went apeshit over for reasons I never got.  Even “Walk On The Wild Side” is lauded way beyond its true merits.

Jackson Browne—Seems like a nice enough guy, but I’ve always found his stuff to be pretty mundane and bland.  Hardly worthy of the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame…

Madonna—Classic case of style over substance.  Her first two albums were great, the next two were decent, but the rest are pretty average, at best.  I do give ol' Esther credit for one thing—at least she hasn’t fallen prey to drugs and alcohol throughout her career.

Blondie—Debbie Harry and the boys had a nice little run for about four years, and some of their stuff is pretty good.  “Dreamin”, “Call Me”, “One Way Or Another” and “Heart Of Glass” all cut the cheese for me, but that hardly makes them Hall Of Fame-worthy either…

Patti Smith—Can anyone please explain to me why this skank is considered so important in music circles?  Her biggest claim to fame, "Because The Night", was co-written by Springsteen and at her induction ceremony for the Hall of Fame, she chose to perform the Stones’ “Gimme Shelter” instead of one of her own songs.

The Lovin’ Spoonful—Their chart run barely lasted two years and half-a-dozen or so hits in the ‘60s, and I’m pretty confident that Paul Revere & The Raiders could’ve easily blown them off any stage.  And don’t even get me started on their gawdawful performance at their RNR HOF induction.  Their membership should’ve been rescinded immediately…

Traffic—Great musicians all the way around in this band, but that doesn’t necessarily guarantee exciting music.  “Paper Sun” and "Dear Mr. Fantasy" were cool songs, but beyond that, these guys were a huge bore to me.

Donovan—“Atlantis” was pretty cool, but the rest of Dono’s music was mostly ‘60s tree-hugging hippie crap.  “Epistle To Dippy”?  WTF?!?

Elvis Costello—His best song, “Girls’ Talk”, sounded infinitely better with Dave Edmunds singing it.  As influential as ol’ Declan McManus was in the whole punk/alternative movement in the late ‘70s, I hardly see how he belongs in the HOF when guys like Nick Lowe don’t even get a sniff of it from the so-called “panel of experts”.

Bonnie Raitt—Nice gal, and not a bad slide guitar player, but I hardly find her to be Hall-worthy.  Hell, Raitt’s biggest hit was a cover version of a John Hiatt song, “Thing Called Love”, and he’s not in the Hall of Fame (and sadly, probably never will be).

Sex Pistols—Ah yes, Johnny Rotten, the man who hocked a loogie on Dick Clark on “American Bandstand”—classy guy.  And good ol’ Sid Vicious—another classy guy.  This band was so awful that even I coulda played bass with them and sounded like John Entwistle. [NOTE: I can’t play guitar to save my doggone soul!]

Aretha Franklin—I know this’ll probably piss people off, but I think the Queen of Soul is soooo overrated.  Not unlike Janis Joplin, anyone can scream and holler!  You want soulful?  Go with my girl Dusty Springfield.

The Clash—These guys were the supposed “torch bearers” who would take over for The Who in the ‘80s, but I still fail to see what the big deal was here.  “Train In Vain” and “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” are the only two Clash songs that honk my hooter, and if it weren’t for all that “phony Beatlemania” they derisively sang about in “London Calling”, these wankers wouldn’t have had a career in the first place…

Staple Singers—The Staples seemed like nice folks, but I was never terribly impressed with any of their big hits, like “Respect Yourself” and “I’ll Take You There”.  I’d take Cornelius Bros. & Sister Rose over them any day...

Frank Zappa—With all apologies to my dear friend Stacy, I think FZ is overly-tauted for his body of work in general, although he did have his moments (like “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow”, “Dancin’ Fool” and “Trouble Every Day”).  I think I’ve heard “Valley Girl” one too many times, too.

Al Green—Undoubtedly, “Let’s Stay Together” was a colossal R&B record.  Is it just me, though, or do the backing tracks on the rest of Al’s songs all kinda sound identical to it?

Joan Baez—Beautiful voice, to be sure, but methinks she doth protested a tad too much…

Sheryl Crow—Mediocre songwriter with a voice so off-key she makes Alfalfa from the Little Rascals sound melodic...

Blues Traveler—Oh yes, let’s marvel at the annoying sloppy harmonica playing on all their records!

Percy Sledge—This dude is in the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, but I defy you to name one other hit he had besides “When a Man Loves a Woman”.

Holland's Comet Blogiversary, V. 2.0

Hard to believe it, but my little blog has reached the "Terrible Twos" already—guess I should set up a trust fund soon!  Thanks again to my loyal readers for making this thing a treat to do, however self-indulgent it might be on my part…

THIS JUST IN…
We’re officially in a recession, according to the economic experts!  And did you know that George Michael is gay and that Dolly Parton wears wigs?  Gee, what other earth-shattering revelations will they uncover next?

And according to said so-called "experts", we’ve been in this recession for a whole year now.  The average recession lasts about ten months and change, so by my count, this one should already be about over…

OH, MOVE OVER ROVER—AND LET OBAMA TAKE OVER
Don’t know about y’all, but I’m very impressed with the way our President-Elect is taking the initiative and trying to get all his ducks in a row and instigate changes for the economy now instead of waiting for January 20th.  What’s even more astounding is that the Bushies are actually cooperating with him.  Nice to know that Barack ain’t just happy to be there—the man truly wants to accomplish something.  Given the gravity of our current situation, I say let’s waive tradition and put the man in office now instead of waiting another seven weeks—at this point, Dubya is about as relevant as "Scarecrow & Mrs. King" reruns anyway.

SPEAKING OF #43…
I threw up in my mouth a little when the fool finally admitted he had regrets about the whole WMD thing that lead to his invading Iraq.  Sure, now he’s sorry—over 4,000 lost American lives and billions of wasted taxpayer dollars later.  Just go crawl back under your rock, you Neolithic dipshit!  And take Cheney with you…

BUT HE DIDN’T SHOOT THE DEPUTY...
"Happiness is a warm gun—bang bang, shoot shoot."—J. Lennon

Let’s hear it for that consummate team player, Plexiglas Burress of the New York football Giants, for helping out his team immensely by getting suspended for the rest of the season after shooting himself in the leg with his own handgun whilst hanging with his entourage at a Gotham City nightclub last week.  While it’s true that he probably wasn’t going to play in Sunday’s game vs. Washington anyway because of a hamstring injury, what does this say about his commitment to his team when he’s out partying on the Friday night before a fairly important Sunday divisional game?  Just as was the case when tight end Jeremy Shockey missed last year’s playoffs, I predict the G-Men will do just fine without Burress—who has been nothing but a pain in the ass distraction this season—and make it to the Super Bowl again.

NO MORE "CALAMITY & HOLMES"?  WHATEVER WILL WE DO?!?
I read the other day where Alan Colmes is leaving the "Hannity & Colmes" yapfest on Faux News Channel soon.  Just as well—Colmes is little more than a token liberal shill to offset Sean Hannity (who is your basic conservative schoolyard bully, just like Bill O’Retard) and ostensibly make FNC look "fair and balanced".  Watching Colmes engage in debate with Hannity is almost as brutal as watching the anorexic Olsen twin sparring with Mike Tyson.  No word yet on Colmes’ replacement, but I’m all in favor of the dude on the right in this photo…

DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
…why is it in the grocery store ads in the paper, they emphasize the word "fresh" so much?  Kinda goes without saying, don’t it?  We’re talking fresh pork steaks, fresh chicken breasts, Grade A farm fresh eggs, dairy fresh milk etc.  I would hope to hell the stuff is fresh!  Then again, could you just imagine the deals you could get on the stale stuff?

ANOTHER DUMB QUESTION, BUT…
...if fruitcakes (the edible kind) are so reviled, why are they still made and sold every holiday season?  For something that’s about as popular as Jar Jar Binks and has been nothing but a punch line for decades, it’s amazing that they're still produced, let alone that some people actually consume the blasted things!  Or could it be that folks use fruitcakes as paperweights and doorstops instead?

CLAP FOR THE WOLF MAN!
Rarely do I listen to the advice of the ever-pompous Keith Olbermann (even though he rips on Bill O’Retard quite vociferously), but I took his suggestion in last week’s SI and checked out this website featuring the work of one young Steve Wolf, who builds his own scale models of classic American ballparks, like the Comiskey Park number he's modeling here.  As a stadium aficionado, I’d give most anything to have the time, patience, materials and wherewithal (not to mention the friggin’ talent) to create these little wonders—this guy is good!  His attention to detail is meticulous, and I’m most impressed with this man’s work. I bow to you in honor, Mr. Wolf—I’m not worthy!!!

IRRELEVANCE, 101
The Grammy Award nominees were announced last night.  Anybody actually care?  I don’t, so long as they continue to insist on having people like L’il Wayne and Alison Krauss/Robert Plant in the same category.  And I don’t even wanna know what a Ne-Yo is.  As for the actual awards broadcast, I’m afraid I’ll have to pass on watching it—I believe I’ll be attending a recital of the poetry of Bob Uecker that night…

WHOLE LOTTA ANGUS
I just finished renting the three-disc DVD set Plug Me In collection featuring scads of vintage live concert clips of AC/DC, and it was surprisingly good, especially the Bon Scott-era offerings.  I had only seen maybe 10% of this material before and there’s some pretty cool stuff to be enjoyed here, including a rare live recording of Scott performing "Highway To Hell" not long before his untimely passing.  There is also quite a bit of old interview footage, and I have to say that Mr. Scott was far more articulate than I originally gave him credit for being—he always came off to me as a drunken idiot most of the time (á la Jim Morrison), but he was actually quite affable and well-spoken.  The DVD also displays what an underrated axe-man Angus Young is—his guitar is almost bigger than he is and his style is most unorthodox, but this little dude is as good as anyone with six strings and a pick.  The Brian Johnson-era clips are interesting too, especially the ones where he sings Bon Scott classics like "Girls Got Rhythm" and "Sin City" before his voice started betraying him.  They also included a sizeable chunk of a 1983 concert from Houston that was taped just a couple weeks after I saw AC/DC on the Flick Of The Switch tour.  Well worth the $22 if you’re looking for a good Rock ‘N’ Roll DVD.

Blog City, here we come...

HEARTBREAKER/TRICK-MAKER #1
My alma mater, Raytown South High School, lost a heart-wrenching—albeit very exciting—football game last night in the Missouri Class 5 state championship game at the Ram Dome in St. Louis to local favorites Hazelwood East, 39-34.  South fell behind 19-7 at one point, but momentum swung in their favor in the second half, and RS scored a go-ahead TD with just over 30 seconds left.  Hazelwood took the ball back down to RS territory and it came down to the very last play of the game with :03 left when their QB heaved up a Hail Mary 29-yard TD pass.  D'OH!!  Ironically, Hazelwood East is coached by former St. Louis Ram Mike Jones—the same Mike Jones who prevented Tennessee Titan Kevin Dyson from reaching the goal line in Super Bowl 34 on the last play of the game.  Therefore, I have no doubt that Dr. Sardonicus would agree with me that this Mike Jones goomer MUST DIE!  Just kidding...

Seriously, apart from a couple missed extra points by Hazelwood, it was a very well-played game by both sides, and far more entertaining than many of the NFL games I've watched on TV this season.  A disturbing thought occurred to me as I watched, though:  Everyone on that field was born in or after 1990, and that makes me feel really old!  Anyway, congrats to our mighty Cardinals on a very successful season—you represented Raytown well, gentlemen...

HEARTBREAKER/TRICK-MAKER #2
It was déjà vu all over again this afternoon as my Missouri Tigers had a victory stolen away from them at the very end of the game at the hands of Kansas, 40-37, at Arrowhead Stadium in Part Deux of the neutral site Border War.  As sloppy as KU has played in their last couple games, I figured they'd be easy pickin's for Mizzou, but as clichéd as it sounds, I guess it's true what they always say about "throw out the records" when these two play.  Oh well, MU gets to hang out at Arrowhead until next Saturday when they play either Texas, Texas Tech or Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game.

ADIOS, BEP
I saw a blurb in the paper the other day about former NHL player Armand "Bep" Guidolin, who died earlier this week of a stroke at age 82.  The Bep-ster made NHL history by being the youngest player to ever skate in the league at age 16.  He also made NHL infamy (sort of) as the first head coach of the fledgling expansion Kansas City Scouts from 1974-76, who were really really bad.  Ironically, Bep resigned as Scouts head coach right after a game yours truly attended where the Scouts got stomped by the Philadelphia Flyers 7-1 at Kemper Arena.  It turned out to be the last Scouts game I ever attended, and it would be ten years before I saw another NHL game live in St. Louis in 1986.  Rest in peace, Bep...

Oh, by the way, the flunkies at the Star didn't even bother to mention anything about Bep coaching the Scouts in that little blurb.  Oh, that's right—the powers-that-be at the paper panicked and fired everyone on the Sports Dept. staff over the age of 25, so they probably didn't remember...

WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?
I was quite disgusted to read today about the poor Wal-Mart employee on Long Island who was literally trampled to death yesterday by an unruly mob of Christmas shoppers who broke down the doors to the store as it opened on (literally, in this case) "Black Friday". In addition, four other people, including a woman eight-month's pregnant, wound up in the hospital as a result of the stampede.  I also saw a headline that read "Two men die in shootout at Toys R Us" today.  Will someone please explain to me what it is about bargain-hunting that turns some normal sane people into Barbarians this time of year?  Get a grip, America!

ANOTHER REASON TO HATE THE SEASON...
These new abysmal Best Buy TV ads featuring these supposed BB employees babbling away about why people shop at their stores this time of year.  Duhhhh—it's an obligation to shop at their stores this time of year!

SPEAKING OF BAD TV ADS
I never thought I'd see the day when Ozzy Osbourne would become a corporate shill, but there he was on my TV all day today, hawking cell phones and video games.  Keep in mind, kids, this is the same guy who once bit the head off a canary.  Rock 'N' Roll Rebel, my ass...

LEMME LEMME UPBRAID YOU
Speaking of singers-turned-corporate shills, as I've watched college football throughout the day, I've been subjected to that annoying "Lemme lemme upgrade you" DirecTV ad featuring Beyoncé (that's about a year old now) at least a dozen times today!  Beyoncé is a very talented singer and quite the hottie, but she looks like a total sell-out on these dopey commercials.  Even Britney Spears hasn't stooped low enough to do TV ads yet.  Or has she?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #102
"Industrial Disease"—DIRE STRAITS (1983)  "They got free speech, tourists, police in trucks..."  Somehow, I thought Mark Knopfler was singing about something called "Police Central."

TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY
A letter writer to the K.C. Star in today's edition brilliantly suggested that if Citigroup gets this $25 billion bailout, they should be charged 28.99% interest just like they do to their innocent credit card holders who are late with one freakin' payment.  I'm also on board with the New York Mets' new stadium being properly renamed Citi/Taxpayers Field.  And, oh yeah, if Citi is in such dire need of financial help, then how is it they can still afford to run their commercials featuring Mary J. Bilge-water all day long during the college football games on ESPN, CBS, et al, huh?

DID I MISS A MEMO?
While scanning the cable dial last night, I stumbled across "That '70s Show" on ABC Family channel.  Nothing wrong with that, but I found it rather disingenuous when a character on the show uttered "son-of-a-bitch" on Pat Robertson's little Jesus network, or is that language now deemed okey-dokey by the born-again pinhead crowd?

WELCOME TO THE GRAND RE-OPENING...
...of my bathroom!  Yes, folks, my long national nightmare is over, as after 4.5 months, I finally completed work on remodeling my bathroom today, which took far longer than I expected, and ran way over budget too.  I still have a bit of tweaking and fine-tuning to do on certain aspects of it, but overall, I'm pretty pleased with the results, as I've pretty much replaced everything except the medicine cabinet (and even that's getting replaced eventually).  Now, as Gunnery Sgt. Hartman said in Full Metal Jacket, "even the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in there and take a dump!"  Once again, special thanks to my good friend Phil Alvarez for all his help and guidance on this project—I am forever in your debt, my friend!

First, a couple "before" pics:



































And a few "afters":

And effective immediately, I hereby announce my retirement from the bathroom-remodeling bidness!  After this harrowing, stressful and expensive experience, I can honestly proclaim with a fair amount of certainty that I will never ever remodel a bathroom (mine or anyone else's) as long as I live!

Styx-ing it to ya!

I’ve been on a major Styx binge lately, both in terms of listening to their music and learning more about their history.  I recently read bassist Chuck Panozzo’s autobiography, and it was quite good, but not nearly as in-depth about the band itself as the book I’m about to finish by Sterling Whitaker called The Grand Delusion-The Unauthorized True Story of Styx.  Delusion (which just came out last year) tells the story of the band via interviews with various crew members, band managers, music execs, band relatives, fellow travelers and a few of the band members themselves.  Guitarist Tommy Shaw is the only mainstay from the original group to participate directly here, thus keyboardist Dennis DeYoung and guitarist James Young along with Panozzo are quoted from other interviews back in the day.  I’d known for years that there was a major rift between DeYoung and the rest of the band, but I had no clue how deep and how far back it went (way further back than just the Kilroy fiasco, to my surprise), much less how dysfunctional this band truly was/is.  It seems only fitting that their greatest album was called The Grand Illusion because these guys were/are masters at putting up a united front for the paying public even while in turmoil.  And we thought the Van Halen/David Lee Roth feud was bad…

Like a lot of people, my first exposure to Styx was their classic “Lady”, which was a late-bloomer of a hit that languished in obscurity for over two years before finally taking off in late 1974.  I assumed Styx was British because of the way DeYoung sounded vocally, an assumption he reinforced by the way he sang “telly-phone” and "celly-brate" on their next big hit, 1975’s “Lorelei”—imagine my surprise when I found out these guys were mostly from Chicago!  When I made the transition from Top 40 AM radio to Album Rock FM in late 1977, the Grand Illusion album was getting beaucoup airplay on KY-102, and I became instantly hooked on “Come Sail Away”, and that album remains my favorite Styx LP ever.  Pieces Of Eight followed the next year and wasn’t quite as good (although Shaw’s “Blue Collar Man” and “Renegade” were standouts), and in the meantime, I bought their two previous releases before Illusion—Equinox and Crystal Ball—and they weren’t bad at all.  I particularly liked Equinox, beyond just the hits off it like “Lorelei”, “Light Up” and “Suite Madame Blue”—go a little deeper and you’ll find some good stuff like “Mother Dear”, “Lonely Child” and “Born For Adventure”.

Apart from the tracks “Never Say Never” and “Borrowed Time”, I found their 1979 album Cornerstone to be very mediocre, and it of course included the song that began to drive the wedge between the band and Dennis DeYoung, DDY’s treacly ballad “Babe”.  DeYoung was adamant about putting it on the album and releasing it as a single, while Shaw, JY and the Panozzo brothers balked at it, preferring to not alienate their core fan base by doing a wimpy ballad.  “Babe” is a nice song and all in the same vein as Kiss’ “Beth”, but many Styx fans (me included) would prefer it had been a hit for someone else (like, say, Air Supply or Toto!), and to this day, Dennis DeYoung still doesn’t get that.  Yes, it was a number one hit, but was it worth the price of splintering the band?  In spite of all the internal rancor, Styx bounced back in early 1981 with another excellent album, Paradise Theater.  By this time, they were the hottest concert ticket in this town (and many others), and were easily the most popular band at my high school.  The Paradise Theater tour was clearly the band’s crowning achievement and one of the ten best concerts I ever attended.  Styx became the first band to have four straight triple-platinum albums and they were at the high point of their career in 1981.  Then it all went to hell two years later in a handbag with the name Kilroy on it…

Not unlike The Who’s Pete Townshend during his solo career, Dennis DeYoung became obsessed with making “concept” albums as Styx became more successful.  It seemed innocent enough beginning with Grand Illusion through the next three albums, which were all loosely-conceptual, but not to their detriment.  Then, after Styx was accused of “backward masking” satanic messages on the track “Snowblind” from Paradise Theater, DeYoung took it all rather personally and concocted the story of a repressive totalitarian society where Rock music was banned and machines called Robotos were doing everyone’s work for them, thus Kilroy Was Here was born.  Might’ve made a decent full-length flick on the silver screen (in fact, there were plans for one at the time) that a Dennis DeYoung Kilroy solo album could’ve served as the soundtrack for, but as a Styx record, it was just plain wrong.  Then to try and pull this Broadway-style musical off for a Rock concert crowd was sheer lunacy.  Watch the Styx concert DVD Caught Live In The Act and you’ll see what I mean—Broadway theater and Rock ‘N’ Roll are a bad mix!  By this time, Tommy Shaw could take it no more and left the band in 1984 for a moderately-successful solo career, and Styx subsequently more or less ground to a halt.

Drummer John Panozzo’s downward spiral with alcohol and eventual passing in 1996 were well-chronicled, but another member of the band suffered a similar fate.  Rather sadly, the forgotten man in Styx is Tommy Shaw’s predecessor, late guitarist John “JC” Curulewski, who not unlike original Rush drummer John Rutsey, left the band before the gravy train arrived (although in Rush’s case, Rutsey's replacement, Neil Peart, was the gravy train).  JC played on the first five Styx albums (that’s his 12-string acoustic solo on “Prelude 12” on Equinox), and was generally regarded as pretty good guy, although he had his quirks and seemingly threatened to leave the band on a monthly basis, only to be talked into staying.  He was more into progressive music and clashed with DeYoung creatively (who didn’t?), plus he was torn between being a Rock star and spending time with his wife and son, thus he chose the latter not long after Equinox came out.  Seeing the band go on to be a mega-success without him couldn’t have been easy for JC, and he pretty much drank himself to death in early 1988.

In 1990, Styx reunited without Tommy Shaw (who had moved on to Damn Yankees the year before) for the semi-successful Edge Of The Century LP with lefty guitarist/songwriter/singer Glen Burtnik replacing Shaw.  Shaw finally returned to the band in 1996 for the very successful Return To Paradise tour—which more or less re-created the Paradise Theater sojourn—with upstart drummer Todd Sucherman replacing the dearly departed John Panozzo.  The live double-CD from that tour sold well enough to warrant another tour in 1997, and by all outward appearances, the band seemed to be getting along well when I saw them perform at Sandstone that summer.  But such was not the case, as yet again, DeYoung managed to piss all over the proceedings with his ego and micro-managing of things behind the scenes.  Finally, after releasing the very uneven studio album Brave New World in 1998, Tommy and JY decided they’d had enough of DeYoung’s tyranny and kicked him to the curb, replacing him with kinda-sorta sound-alike singer/keyboardist Lawrence Gowan from Canada.

Some of the drama within the band was exposed in 2000 on VH-1’s “Behind The Music”, but after reading this book, I can see that they left out a lot of stuff—VH-1 shoulda made this one a two-part episode!  I used to think the whole rift between DeYoung and Tommy, JY and the Panozzo brothers was a lot of petty bullshit and that both sides were wrong, but based on what I’ve read, I now side firmly with the latter faction, as regrettably it would appear that Dennis DeYoung is a high-maintenance horse’s ass with an insatiable ego.  Hate to say that about him because I always liked and respected him as a musician—he’s a very talented man.  In baseball parlance, Dennis would be what they call a “five-tool player”—great singer, keyboardist, songwriter, performer and producer.  Unfortunately, the more the band became successful, the more it went to DeYoung’s head, and things became very one-sided with him calling all the shots and the rest of the band kowtowing to his whims and lofty ideas (including the really bad ones).  With DeYoung, it was no longer a case of “we”, but rather “I, me, mine” as one interviewee in the book recalled.  A classic example of DDY’s ego run amok:  He sent a paying audience home without performing the show they arrived for on the Kilroy tour all because the projector wouldn’t work that presented the little pre-concert film.  Nice going, Doc—they paid to see a concert, not a movie!  To make things worse, his insufferable control-freak wife Suzanne (aka “Babe”) had a Yoko Ono complex in her, and quite often interfered in the band’s business, further exacerbating the existing hostilities.  What a shame that such a fine musician is such a total douche to nearly everyone he works with.

DeYoung tried to file a lawsuit against Tommy, JY and Chuck when he was fired from the group in the late ‘90s, claiming he had the rights to the band name, and the whole mess was settled out of court for who knows how much money.  The band still performs today as Styx, while DeYoung is forced to use the moniker “Formerly of Styx” or “Performing the music of Styx” in billing his infrequent concert appearances, and they all live miserably ever after.  A rather ignominious coda for a band that was at one time on top of the Rock world.

My All-Time Styx Top 20
20) Mademoiselle (1976)  Tommy Shaw’s first lead vocal on a Styx record.  I’m surprised this wasn’t a bigger hit single than it was.
19) Cold War/Heavy Metal Poisoning (1983) [Tie]  Far and away the two best songs from the Kilroy Was Here debacle.  In the former, Shaw takes aim at TV evangelists and scores.  Best line is, “You talk talk and you almost make sense—and that’s what scares me the most…”  The latter song provided some comic relief during the Kilroy concert, complete with its rather amusing song-and-dance routine featuring JY (aka “Dr. Righteous”) and the Panozzo brothers.  That’s Dennis DeYoung’s daughter Carrie Ann giggling at the very end of the track.
18) Not Dead Yet (1991)  One of the rare times Styx employed a songwriter from outside of the band, another Chicago native named Ralph Covert.  Funny song in places, especially the line “Lee Harvey Oswald’s brother’s on the loose.”  Easily my favorite off Edge Of The Century.
17) Put Me On (1976)  A tad contrived in places, lyrically, but most of the song rocks out in typical JY style.
16) Renegade (1978)  I give Tommy extra credit for having the guts to sing the first part of this Acapulco…
15) Snowblind (1981)  Oh, those crafty Stygians—corrupting all those impressionable young listeners with their wicked backward masking.  Heathens!  No, really—it’s a cool song.
14) Great White Hope (1978)  Exciting lead-off track that promised great things on Pieces of Eight.  Unfortunately, I thought the rest of the album was rather so-so, apart from "Renegade" and "Blue Collar Man".  For what it’s worth, Dennis DeYoung made a fine ring announcer, though…let’s get ready to rumble!
13) Blue Collar Man (Long Nights) (1978)  T. Shaw’s tribute to the working man.  One of the rare times you’ll hear an organ (the kind with keys) cranking out the opening riff to a Rock song.
12) Mother Dear (1975)  This might’ve been the late John Curulewski’s finest moment with Styx.  He co-wrote this one with DeYoung and you can hear him on the backing vocals as well.  Sounding rather Moody Blues-like in places, it’s one of Styx’s trippier songs.
11) Suite Madame Blue (1975)  A song that’s grown on me a lot over the years, especially this past decade with my growing discontent over the direction this country has been headed.  Let’s hope Mr. Obama can indeed “lead us away from here…”
10) Fooling Yourself (The Angry Young Man) (1977)  According to the Grand Delusion book, Tommy Shaw’s classic song was actually written about Dennis DeYoung, of all people.  As many times as I've shot myself in the foot in life, this song could’ve easily been written about yours truly…
9) Borrowed Time (1979)  My favorite song off the mostly-flaccid Cornerstone album, and about the only one from it that rocked, apart from JY’s “Eddie”, a cautionary tale aimed at Sen. Ted Kennedy.
8) Lonely Child (1975)  A very underrated song from Equinox that might’ve yielded a hit single if Styx had been better-known at the time.
7) The Grand Illusion (1977)  “Don’t be fooled by the radio, the TV or the magazines…”  Words to live by in this day and age.  You could add the Internet to that line, too.
6) Miss America (1977)  James Young is by nature very analytical about things he observes, and like me, he’s an astute hypocrisy pointer-outer, thus “Miss America” rates high in my book.  Plus, JY’s songs usually rock out, which also rates high in my book.  Love the last line of the song, “Next year—what will you do when you have been forgotten?”
5) Come Sail Away (1977)  Eric Cartman’s favorite song, and definitely a Classic Rock staple.  My favorite part is the Who-like middle section where JY pays homage to “Won’t Get Fooled Again” on the ol' ARP Odyssey machine.
4) Rockin’ The Paradise (1981)  Perennial Styx concert opener, and a mighty fine one to set the tone of the evening with.
3) Lorelei (1975)  Man, that Lorelei chick sounded like real hottie, the way DeYoung sang about her.  Great early example of Styx’ trademark three-part harmonies.
2) Lady (1972)  As Dennis remarks on the Return To Paradise CD, this one “started this whole train a-rollin’.”  Wonderful love song indeed, until some “American Idol” wanna-be butchers it on Karaoke night, anyway…
1) Too Much Time On My Hands (1981)  Lyrically, this almost sounds like a John Hiatt song.  It’s about the only Styx song I sound good singing along with...

Join us in our Blog ambition...

...get yerself a brand new motor car!  (More on Styx in a future blog post, btw...)

IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS!
For the first time since I dunno when, I paid $1.37 a gallon for gas today.  At this rate, I figure gasoline oughtta be free by Christmas, and by Ground Hog Day, '09, the oil companies will be paying US to pump gas!  All the while, the economic "experts" out there are trying to tell me that low gas prices are a bad thing.  Fuck you!

THEN AGAIN...
...these are the same people who went apeshit at the end of trading yesterday on the New York Stock Exchange when they heard President-elect Obama was going to name Timothy Geithner as his Treasury secretary.  The market was floundering before that, then suddenly made a 500-point gain in less than three hours.  I'm not sure, but I believe the one fatal flaw of the stock market is the reactionary nature of it, don't you?  All it takes is some rumor to send all them traders into a veritable tizzy...

AIN'T THAT PECULIAR...
...that my alma mater Raytown South beat last night in the Missouri Class 5 semi-finals?  That would be Raymore-Peculiar High School that the now-mighty Cardinals football team defeated 27-18 on Friday night in the state football playoffs.  The Big Red will now face either Jackson, MO or Hazelwood East (both of whom have worse records than Ray-South) in the Big Show next weekend.  All I gotta say is, beat them turkeys—whoever they are!

AT LEAST...
...their game was far more riveting than tonight's big showdown between Texas Tech and Oklahoma, during which OU blew the collective doors off the Red Raiders, 65-21.  This game was over by the end of the first quarter, and now the Big 12 South division is a mess—each division leader has one loss.  Oklahoma lost to Texas, who lost to Texas Tech, who lost to Oklahoma.  Who the hell wins this thing?!?

Meantime, it seems like every Top 25 game in college football today was a blowout, but yours truly is rejoicing in Notre Dame losing to Syracuse 24-23 today.  These days, losing to the dreaded Orangemen is like getting beat by the cast of "The Facts Of Life" (Mrs. Garrett included)!  Pitiful...pity-ful...

PUT A SOCK IN IT!
Again, I ask the question why does the U.S. news media always air these videotapes done by these Muslim assholes denouncing America?  Why is it every time ol' Mukka-Lukka Al So-And-So from Iran, Iraq or Afghanistan whips out a video and bad-mouths our country, it's headline news on CNN and Faux News Channel?  In case you TV news idiots out there haven't figured it out yet, this is exactly what these fuckers want—free publicity!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #101
"In The Air Tonight"—PHIL COLLINS (1981)  "The pain still grows..."  I originally misinterpreted this as "the pain's too gross..."

IF AN NFL NETWORK FALLS IN THE WOODS...
...and no one hears it, does anyone care?  Evidently, the battle rages on between the National Football League and Compost—er uh, Comcast—over where Comcast places the NFL's esteemed network in their digital channel lineup.  Sorry, kids, but I have no desire to pay extra for this superfluous channel.  The live Thursday night games they air are generally bland (Cincinnati at Pittsburgh?) and the rest of their programming day is just a three-hour tape loop.  At least they got rid of Bryant Gumbel, so that's a step in the right direction...

The World According to Hearne

The current economic crisis has claimed the job of that journalistic institution known as Hearne Christopher, Jr., who was dismissed in the latest round of firings at the Kansas City Star last week.  I normally don’t condone kicking someone when they’re down, but since Hearne made a regular habit of doing so in his columns to other media folks who lost their jobs, I’ll waive traditional protocol here.

HC’s “Cowtown Confidential” gossip column ran 3-4 times a week in the Star, and was the absolute epitome of vapidity, and I constantly asked myself why I even bothered to read it, but I guess the old car accident analogy is true—one couldn't help but look at it!  It’s way beyond my realm of expertise as to how on earth a grown man who used terms like "wonk", "schmooze", “inside skinny”, “meister” and "kiddie-bopper" on a regular basis and coined phrases like “homeless dude” and “beggar extraordinaire” rated having a regular column in a major market newspaper.  By comparison, Hearne made the high-school kids writing for the "Teen Star" section of the paper sound like seasoned professionals.  Then again, to paraphrase a letter writer to the Star who slayed Hearne a few years ago:  In Kansas City, there ain't much of an "inside" to be inside of anyway!  To wit, being a gossip columnist in Kansas City is akin to being a snow plow driver in the Bahamas.

In general, Christopher’s columns were full of mindless tripe about what Marilyn Manson had for dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steak House while he/she/it was in town or what Sting shopped for at Crown Center along with fluff pieces about the activities of the Watson’s Girl (a semi-irritating overly-perky big-boobed spokesmodel gal who does TV ads for a local swimming pool company).  Hearne also kept readers posted on various and sundry rumors and scuttlebutt around the city (often prefaced by his pet phrase “Heard on the street…”) via his network of informants that included third-rate DJs (both radio and nightclub variety), bar owners and concert promoters.  HC also had his regular lap dogs to provide fodder for his column like radio station executive Bob Zuroweste, TV weather geek Gary Lezak, light-rail activist Clay Chastain and former radio DJ Kelly Urich, the latter of whose “humor” was a regular feature in Hearne’s column.  I didn’t think it was possible to make Gilbert Gottfried seem like George Carlin, but Urich somehow managed to.  But I digress…

Of all his lap dogs, Erich “Mancow” Muller was far and away Hearne’s favorite.  Even though Mancow hails from right here in Raytown (and graduated from the same high school as yours truly), I fail to see how an overrated shock jock based 500 miles away in Chicago could possibly have his finger on the pulse of what's going on in Kansas City, but that never prevented HC from boring his readers with Mancow’s latest opinions and exploits.  If you didn't know any better, you'd swear that Hearne Christopher was actually Mancow's personal publicist, as HC couldn't go more than about three columns without quoting this loud-mouthed boor who doesn’t even have a following in this town, apart from his loyal legion of sycophants.

Christopher also went to great lengths to constantly rip on Mancow’s rival, the equally-irritating Johnny Dare on 98.9 The (C)Rock, especially for the show Dare was fined $250,000 by the FCC for because it featured strippers on it (playing “Twister”, I believe) in the wake of the whole Janet Jackson boob thing.  I find it highly incongruous and crass that Christopher would criticize Dare's on-air style when his daily column was practically a never-ending commercial Muller’s show, which isn’t dissimilar to Dare's in terms of style and content (except for the strippers), and it's a safe bet that Mancow will never be known as "Mr. Wholesome Family Values".  Hearne was a total hypocrite to criticize Dare's raunchiness while giving Muller a pass for doing essentially the same thing, especially considering that it was also perfectly okey-dokey for Hearne to write about Playboy Playmates and topless models in his columns on a regular basis.

[Oh by the way, I’m hardly a fan of Johnny Dare, but did anyone actually SEE those strippers on his radio show?  Didn’t think so.  So, exactly why was the show considered obscene?]

I also took issue with the way HC dogged on my man Randy Raley’s morning show on 101-The Fox a few years back, which he deemed to be a “snoozer” just after it debuted and before it even had a chance to find its niche.  Nice going, asshole, you probably drove a lot of listeners away from Randy with your remarks without even giving him a chance to succeed.  While Randy’s show was far from perfect, it was still light years better than the previous two morning teams on that same station, and was one of the rare morning shows I actually looked forward to listening to every day—it was a welcome respite from Dare’s sophomoric crapfest and the “Over The Hill Gang” at 99.7 KY, the other classic Rock station at the time.

Above all others, Hearne’s most bizarre folly was his championing of infamous panhandler Jerry Mazer (aka, “beggar extraordinaire”/"homeless dude”).  Mazer made national headlines several years ago by challenging laws forbidding begging for money on public streets (he was even interviewed on ABC’s “20/20” once, as I recall), saying they were unfair to those of his ilk.  Never mind the fact that this asshole refuses to get a real job, thinks nothing of using profanity and calling you names if you turn him down for a handout, and is totally unrepentant about what he does.  As a veteran of numerous unpleasant encounters with Mazer myself, I found it appalling that Christopher constantly glorified this churlish loser and made him out to be some sort of local folk hero, as if anyone truly gave a damn about this creep’s every move.  It would be poetic justice to think that Hearne is now out on the streets begging with ol’ Jer since he lost his job, but from what I hear (on the streets?), HC is a trust fund baby and his family’s loaded, so he won’t be hurting anytime soon.

There was talk not so long ago of a local radio show for Hearne—as you can clearly see by his mug shot above, he certainly has the face for it.  I’d been meaning to do a blog entry on this putz for quite a while now—I was just waiting for HC to produce yet another classic bon mot like “homeless dude”, but I guess I waited too long.  Oh well, buh-bye, Hearne—don’t let the door hit yer ass on the way out…

11-17-08

...Not to be confused with Elton John's first live album, 11-17-70!

YES, VIRGINIA, IT’S A RECESSION
Once again, I heard on the radio this morning where economic “experts” still aren’t sure whether the U.S. is in a recession or not.  According to the National Association for Business Economics, approximately 96 percent of the economists polled believe a recession has started.  Ya think?!?  Why is this still even being debated at this point?  The stock market’s in the tank, no one’s spending money, there are massive lay-offs everywhere, and unemployment figures are spiking like my blood pressure does while watching Bill O'Reilly—what more evidence do you goomers need?  This is akin to wondering if Dubya was a good President or not.  Yes, kids, it’s a bloody recession, already!!

WORD UP!
The term “meh” is now officially recognized as a word by the Collins English Dictionary.  I’ve found it to be a rather handy word myself, as an “expression of indifference or boredom or an adjective meaning mediocre or boring” according to the dictionary.  And just like “d’oh!”, the word appears to have gained popularity on “The Simpsons”, yes indeed-ely-doo…

MEH, PERSONIFIED
Anyone get a load of Bob Costas and Co. hyping NBC’s “Go Green” campaign during last night's “Sunday Night Football” telecast?  I cringed while Costas, Keith Olbermann, Chris Collinsworth, et al, sat there and recited things they’ve individually done to help the environment in the last year as if it were some sort of class assignment.  It all sounded about as sincere as a Don Imus apology, and what’s the bet most of these guys drive Hummers, hmm?  This little campaign of theirs is nothing but fashionable PR posturing devoid of any substance whatsoever—just like when President Ford wanted everyone to wear “WIN” buttons so we could Whip Inflation Now.  Yeah, that’ll make it all better…

MAMMA MIA!
Seems the Securities & Exchange Commission is accusing Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban of insider trading on a stock deal to avoid $750,000 in losses over some company called Mamma.com.  Huh?  $750,000 is pocket change to this guy—why would he risk getting in hot water over that?  What a maroon…

STILL WORTH THE WAIT?
“Can someone explain why they’ve already put tickets on sale for Celine Dion at Sprint Center, when the concert isn’t scheduled until November 15, 2008?!?  I’ve never heard of concert tickets being put on sale nearly a year in advance before.  Is this to allow her legion of fans (all 14 of ‘em) to schedule their vacations from work around it or something?”—B. Holland, November 27, 2007

In a juicy bit of irony, Celine Dion fans in K.C. will just have to wait a tad longer to see their heroine in concert, as a throat ailment has forced the postponement of Saturday’s Sprint Center concert until January.  I suppose a couple more months won’t kill them…

"WELL, HONK MY HOOTER—YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!"
One of my guilty pleasures every morning before I go to work is Univision's equivalent to "Good Morning America" called "Despierta America", mostly because of the cutie on the show named Ana Maria.  I've never understood a thing she's said until today when she was interviewing actor Will Smith (who is mildly fluent in Spanish) when all of a sudden Ana Maria began speaking to Will in English!  Very fluid English, at that.  Shades of John Cusack in Better Off Dead with that French hottie Monique...

UNCLEAR OF THE CONCEPT?
I just had to chortle a couple times when I saw that #24 Tulsa got slammed 70-30 by the University of Houston on Saturday.  And that ain’t no basketball score—that’s tackle football!  Evidently TU misunderstood the Top 25 bylaw that no Top 25 team should ever be beaten by 40 points, let alone allow 70 to an opponent!  BTW, why is Tulsa called the “Golden Hurricane”?  By the time hurricanes make it to northeastern Oklahoma, they’re tropical storms anyway.

AT THE MOVIES
A couple quick reviews for you, as I caught up on some DVD watching over the weekend.  I finally got around to viewing The Bucket List, and it wasn’t too bad.  Even Jack Nicholson was entertaining here—as entertaining as a rich curmudgeon asshole with terminal brain cancer can be, anyway—and Morgan Freeman was his usual solid self.  And director Rob Reiner was good enough to keep his film at a tolerable length of just over an hour and a half instead of subscribing to the “bigger/longer is better” theory.  I give Bucket List about a 6.5.

Being a child of the ‘70s, I decided to waste an hour and a half of my life on Will Ferrell’s Semi-Pro, and although it exceeded my expectations on some levels, it was semi-funny at best.  I think it actually would’ve been much better without Ferrell (this generation’s Chevy Chase) and his phony athlete shtick, which is growing really tiresome.  This movie also could’ve been infinitely funnier if the producers had mined the treasure trove of hilarious (and true) stories and characters of the old American Basketball Association instead of putting out yet another mediocre (meh?) Will Farrell vehicle.  They did occasionally manage to pay proper homage to the ABA here, like the bikini-clad cheerleaders (the old Miami Floridians really had them) along with some of the other silly promotions and gimmicks ABA teams pulled off to put fannies in the seats.  I also liked the accuracy of the old ABA uniforms in the film, esp. those worn by the Spirits of St. Louis and New York Nets.  Overall, I give Semi-Pro a 5.0.  Without Farrell, it might’ve been a 6.0...

The Simpsons Vs. Family Guy--Tale of the Tape

Having become a recent convert to TV’s “The Family Guy”, I thought it would be great fun to compare and contrast the venerable show that obviously inspired it, “The Simpsons”, so here’s how the shows stack up for me, character by character.

The Dads:  Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin
They’re both lovable schlubs, both dumb as a box of rocks and both have very man-child qualities to them, but I give the edge to Homer, who I find far more likeable.  Peter G. gets points for being a die-hard Kiss fan and all, but he can be very obnoxious and even rather creepy at times, so for me, Homer is da man!  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Moms:  Marge Simpson vs. Lois Griffin
Both have voices that grate on you like Fran Drescher, and bless Marge for putting up with Homer all these years, but I’m more partial to Lois—she’s a redhead, after all, and she has better legs too…  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Sons:  Bart Simpson vs. Chris Griffin
Aye carrumba!  Gotta go with the Bart Man all the way here—he’s infinitely funnier, far craftier and is in a whole different league than Chris, who I find rather annoying at times and quite doltish.  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Daughters:  Lisa Simpson vs. Meg GriffinHmmm, Lisa is the sax-playing brainiac and Meg has no discernible talent at all, yet I kinda like her anyway, in spite of that condom hat she always wears.  Can’t seem to choose between the two.  Advantage:  Push

The Infants:  Maggie Simpson vs. Stewie Griffin
No contest here—as cute as Maggie might be, Stewie clearly outshines his pacifier-sucking counterpart by light years.  He would surely tell you that himself…  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Dogs:  Santa’s Little Helper vs. Brian Griffin
This really isn’t a fair competition since SLH doesn’t really do much on “The Simpsons”. With such a cool name Brian wins anyway, and besides, he can drink me under the table!  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Grandfathers:  Abe Simpson vs. Carter Pewterschmidt
Gotta go with Homer’s dad here—as curmudgeonly as he is, he’s so much funnier than Lois Griffin’s ultra-snobbish father.  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Neighbors:  Ned Flanders vs. Cleveland Brown
Their voices are so similar, it’s almost scary, by I have to go with my man Cleveland, even though he’s quite possibly the whitest black man in America this side of Al Roker.  Ned’s too big of a mamby-pamby, yes indeed-ely-doo.  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Watering Holes:  Moe’s vs. The Drunken Clam
The Clam has the great name, but you can’t get a Flaming Moe or Duff Beer there, so I give Moe’s the nod, if only just barely…  Advantage:  The Simpsons

The Mayors:  Joe Quimby vs. Adam WestQuimby does an admirable Ted Kennedy impersonation, but I have to go with the Caped Crusader, the great Adam West, who doesn’t mind poking fun at himself.  Advantage:  Family Guy

The Pompous News Anchors:  Kent Brockman vs. Tom Tucker
Both sound authoritative but have little substance—they’d be perfect fits on Faux News Channel!  Advantage:  Push

The Cops:  Chief Clancy Wiggum vs. Officer Joe Swanson
Another toss-up.  Let’s just say I respect their authoritahhh, and leave it at that!  Advantage:  Push

Final analysis:  Family Guy 5, Simpsons 4, Push 3.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t come up with a good counterpart to compare the irrepressible Glen Quagmire to, so he’s in a class all by himself.  Advantage:  Giggity!!  Still, the results are pretty even all the way through.  Just goes to prove these are both classic TV comedies.

Blogging with Myself (Oh-oh-uh-OH!)

POST-ELECTION HANGOVER?
I haven’t been in very much of a creative mood over the last week or so, therefore, I haven’t posted much lately.  Not unlike the news media, I’ve had to re-charge my batteries a bit since the election, plus I’ve been in a bit of a personal funk lately…

MITCH MITCHELL, 1947-2008
And just as my mood was beginning to brighten today, I read of the passing of Jimi Hendrix Experience drummer Mitch Mitchell at age 61.  Mitchell (whose given name was actually John) was found dead in a hotel room in Portland, Oregon, evidently of natural causes while performing on the “Experience Hendrix Tour”.  MM was one of my all-time favorite drummers—a somewhat tamer version of Keith Moon, if you will—and 1967’s “Fire” may well have been the greatest three minutes of any drummer’s career.  Coincidentally, Mitchell was born in the same town in England as Moon.  Rest in peace, Mitch…

CANCEL CHRISTMAS—PLEASE!!
Call me Scrooge all you want, but I’m sick of the Yuletide season already.  Home Depot and Lowe’s had their Xmas stuff up for sale by Labor Day, one of our local radio stations started playing wall-to-wall Christmas songs when the clock struck Midnight on Halloween, and now all the Christians are fighting against the alleged “War on Christmas” again this year because of bans on nativity scenes and Xmas decorations on U.S. government property, etc.  Hell, is the holiday season even worth it, anymore?

In a related development, thanks to the current economic climate, I paid a rather surreal visit to Target last night—the place was a virtual ghost town!  Granted, it was a Tuesday and the weather was wet and yucky out, but it was still weird to practically have the entire store to myself during what is normally the holiday shopping season.

CLINGING TO GUNS RELIGIOUSLY
A predictable spate of raging paranoia has NRA-types in its clutches in the wake of Barack Obama’s ascent to the Presidency, thus sparking a run on guns at local shops, as the Gun Lobby thinks the President-Elect wants to take their precious weaponry away from them.  These folks may well be unemployed thanks to our current economic abyss, but by God, they shure have their priorities in order by spending what little money they have left to pad their arse(enals).

For the record, Mr. Obama only wants to ban semi-automatic weapons, and once again, could one of you junior Ted Nugents (preferably a literate one) please explain to me (like I’m a four-year-old) exactly why anyone other than law enforcement or military personnel would have use for assault rifles anyway?

SURE SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Not only did we elect a black President for the first time in our history last week, but my parental units now willingly have cable TV!  Even scarier, the cable guy showed up early to install it for them!  What’s worse, for the first time ever, my parents now have a nicer TV than I do. WTF?!?

A little background:  my father is one of the most conservative people on this planet, and is highly-resistant to change (a trait I sadly inherited from him).  Therefore, little luxuries like cable TV and push-button telephones have always been foreign concepts to dear ol’ Dad, but he was forced to give up his rotary-dial phone against his will a few years ago, yet he’s been watching the same 27” Zenith floor-model console color TV since 1984 (my Junior year in college, btw).  Mom has been badgering him for a new TV for years, and after numerous visits to my sister’s house and watching shows on her fancy newfangled set, she finally broke him down and convinced him to join the rest of us in the 21st Century and get a 42” Samsung flat screen TV and cable to go with it.  Now the man is forced to learn how to work a remote control for the first time in his life!  If Dad gets a personal computer, then I’ll know for sure that life as we know it is about to end…

TRUER THAN FICTION?
Speaking of cable TV, why was the film Apollo 13 on Sci-Fi Channel last week?  Wasn’t that a true story?  Science, yes, but there was nothing fictional about it...

While I’m on Apollo 13, I recently observed a small goof in this fine movie.  During the opening scene where everyone is gathered at the Lovell household in Houston to watch the Apollo 11 moon landing on TV, several of the gentlemen there are wearing sport coats.  Uhhh, long sleeves in Texas in July?!?  Now that's Science Fiction!

I MUST DO MY ALMA-MATER, I MUST DO MY ALMA-MATER…
Congrats to my Raytown South High Cardinals for their first round victory in the Missouri Class 5 football playoffs the other night against the dreaded Winnetonka Griffins (no relation to the Quahog Griffins).  Ray-South is a perennial basketball power, but rarely does the football team make the state playoffs.  The Cards are 10-1, and will next play the school that gave them their lone loss this season, the Injuns of Fort Osage, aka good ol’ “F.O.”.  Go Big Red!

UNFATHOMABLE!
“Tom Brady works out at Patriots’ team facility”; “Lindsay Lohan calls Obama ‘first colored President’”  Could someone please explain to me why either of these headlines I saw on the Internet today are newsworthy?!?

HE AIN’T NO DUMMY…
Comedian/ventriloquist Jeff Dunham has been a recent DVD view for me.  A brief sampling of deep thoughts from JD:

—Jeff:  “If you try to choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?”

—Jeff:  “What’s your favorite beer?”  Bubba J:  “An open one.”

—Jeff:  “How do you know when you’ve had too many?”  Bubba J:  “When I run out.”

I don’t know how the hell he keeps track of all those voices, but this dude is fuggin’ funny!