More movie clichés

I was cleaning out some old e-mails on the computer this weekend, and came across a couple things I'd sent out a long time ago featuring stuff I'd found on the 'net about the movies, which fits right in with my current Overused TV/Movie clichés feature.  I didn't write any of this, but it's quite humorous...

15 Things We Wouldn't Know If It Weren't For The Movies
1) The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2) You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3) Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.
4) A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5) If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their sexiest underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6) If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long
7) If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8) Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:  Enter Password Now.
9) It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.  And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10) Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12) A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13) If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14) Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
15) When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other!

And it seems there's plenty more where those first 15 came from...

• When a car runs into another and there's a front end collision, they both explode!  How many cars have you seen explode from this?  Or when a car goes over a cliff, it will ALWAYS explode...
• When a baby is born, it's soooooooo obvious that it's not a newborn, but at least a two-year-old.
• Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building they're going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.
• Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.
• When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.
• A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.
• Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, "There's no time to explain," and then explains anyway.
• If you're watching TV and "flip" onto any movie made pre-1940, you don't have more than a five minute wait before hearing the line, "Say, what's the big idea?!?"  [Or "Let's get outta here!"]
• The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.
• A candle or table lamp can light a whole room.
• At nighttime, it is blue.
• If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controlling any vehicle you need, like landing a plane, for example.
• Everybody when needing a computer can type super-fast and never need to hit the space bar!
• Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.
• They have super-duper graphics programs which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super-clear!
• The world is full of startlingly good-looking people.
• In space, it turns out people can hear you scream, ships explode, planets combust, etc...
• The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.
• The moonlight will light up any room as though it were a 70-watt light bulb, and no one seems to own curtains/blinds or at least don't close them when they go to bed.
• Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.
• Computer mice don't seem to exist.  People just type and all the windows they need appear and disappear and they manage to find plans of buildings and top secret things in a heartbeat.
• When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.
• Scientists always wear 70s clothes, and when called upon in meetings, stand up and say some stupid complicated explanation that no one understands, followed by the chief who paraphrases them by a pithy cliché, "So what you're saying is we're screwed?"  "Um, yes..."
• Cats always make a noise.  If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it ALWAYS has to meow before running off.
• At a beach, nightclub or party scene, the record or band that's playing is rarely anything you've ever heard in the charts. In the sixties, people apparently only ever listened to twangy instrumentals from tiny transistor radios (which were still powerful enough for a dozen people to dance around to).
• Every gang of young people has to contain (a) a fat kid and (b) a geeky, bespectacled kid.  The fat kid would grow up to play the "Fat Friend" usually portrayed by Jack Black or Chris Farley.  These provide comic relief only, never having a girlfriend themselves.  They exist only to make the hero look good.
• Americans always bring their "groceries" (shopping) back from the "market" (supermarket) in a brown paper bag with a baguette and stalk of celery sticking out of the top.
• Every necklace in the movies is a breakaway, so you can just yank once it comes off the person's neck.
• A woman being chased by a murderer will ALWAYS fall over—either because she's running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.
• Serial killers never just die...they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them...at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.
• It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, whilst either in conversation or looking at a map.
• People brush their teeth BEFORE eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.
• Aussie accents in American films always sound like a mix of Cockney, South African and New Zealander.  And they say things like "Streuth!" and "Blimey!"
• The bad guy's sexy girl will try to seduce the good guy, then when that fails will beat him up using martial arts, whilst wearing skintight leather, lycra and stilettos.
• Women can never find their car keys whilst being pursued by a killer.  Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.
• Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots...which somehow the good guy manages to untie.
• A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don't work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a torch.  At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.
• Dogs always bark at ghosts.
• Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.
• Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.
• If a baddie is trapped in a cage with a gorilla towards the end of a light-hearted romp, the gorilla will take a sexual interest in the baddie.
• A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with its horns.
• Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics—usually to the sound of a trombone being played.
• When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly preserved and intact.
• If there is a telephone in the background or close by, it is GOING to be ringing.  The person calling will usually be a bad guy, and now THEY KNOW YOU'RE THERE...or something else bad will happen because of that phone call.
• Any time a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they'll sigh in relief when it's just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window.  But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their "silliness," they're going to be attacked by the bad guy that really WAS there after all.
• In movies, when someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep.  It's amazing…
• All high school students look like people in their mid-twenties, and can dance professionally.
• In the movies everyone seems to have L-shaped sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waist.
• Why if they have just spent the night together do they need to take a complete quilt and rap it round themselves before getting out of bed?
• Does anyone eat a meal?  Food is set in front of someone, a conversation is had with others at the table and the food is cleared away or left without a bite being taken…
• I need the manufacturer of the make-up and hair products that can get me up in a morning looking like I did when I went to bed…
• Guns don't need to be cocked.  But you do have to cock them after someone says a witty one-liner or when it sounds completely badass.
• Cars explode instantly from handgun fire.
• Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.
• Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.
• All police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.
• You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.
• It's very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.
• It's very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he's looking for in less than a minute.
• If you're a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can't wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot-tying badge in the boy scouts.

I'm Donn Hairball--damn glad to know ya!

(That‘s an anagram for Brian Holland)

WELL, ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Don’t you just love this story about ousted Merrill-Lynch CEO John Thain and his corporate spending spree that took place all the while as M-L begged for a government bailout?  $1,200 for a trash can?  Billions of dollars in bonuses to other executives?  I think it’s high-time for our government to get a grip on these corporate cocksuckers and regulate them.  I’m not saying these guys should take vows of poverty, but Wall Street blood suckers like Thain are totally out of control.  Is it any wonder our economy is so utterly fucked?

HI IN-FIDEL-ITY?
The Big Cuban, Fidel Castro, says he fears he won’t be lucid in four years.  I wasn’t aware that he ever was…

HERM’S TERM HAS ENDED
Well, the inevitable occurred yesterday and the Chefs finally fired coach Herm Edwards.  It was really about the only thing they could do at this point.  Herm’s a great guy, but I think he’s much better off as a defensive coordinator for some other team instead of as a head coach.  Rumors are flying like bodies in a mosh pit that former Denver head coach Mike Shanahan will become the next Chefs head coach, but I’m having trouble envisioning that, for some reason.  ESPN keeps playing it up like Shanahan wants to join the Chiefs so he can exact revenge on the Broncos, just like when he joined the Broncos to show up Al Davis for firing him from the Raiders a few years ago.  Just one problem with that theory—the Broncos treated Shanahan well, for the most part.  It’s time ESPN stuck to reporting the news instead of making it up.

Meanwhile, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock continues to contradict himself with his own words.  Earlier this week, the Flatulent One went to great lengths to criticize new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli and his methodical and deliberate handling of the coaching situation:  “The secrecy surrounding the Chiefs’ next head football coach is beginning to look arrogant, juvenile, unfair and stupid.  Short of Scott Pioli landing his father-in-law, Bill Parcells, I cannot see the upside in Pioli’s handling of his first week on the job”  Now, flash ahead to today’s headline in his column that read, “For Pioli, taking it slow was the way to go in dismissing Edwards.”  Oh, and JW has already bestowed one of his cute little nicknames on Pioli, “Slo-Po.”  I still can’t believe the Star pays this hypocritical jackass over $200,000 a year to write such drivel…

USELESS TRIVIA TIDBIT
Ever wonder why the Pittsburgh Steelers only have logos on the right side of their helmets?  Someone posed that question the other day, and I just happened to know the answer.  According to the Steelers website, “…this was a temporary measure because the Steelers weren't sure they would like the look of the logo on an all-gold helmet.  They wanted to test them before going all-out.  Equipment manager Jack Hart was instructed to put the logo only on one side of the helmet—the right side.  The 1962 Steelers finished 9-5 and became the winningest team in franchise history to date.  The team finished second in the Eastern Conference and qualified for the Playoff Bowl.  They wanted to do something special for their first postseason game, so they changed the color of their helmets from gold to black, which helped to highlight the new logo.  Because of the interest generated by having the logo on only one side of their helmets and because of their team's new success, the Steelers decided to leave it that way permanently.  Today's helmet reflects the way the logo was originally applied and it has never been changed.”

And oh yes, those diamond thingies in their logo are officially called hypocycloids.  I seem to remember drawing those on my Super Spirograph when I was a kid…

USELESS INFORMATION TRIVIA QUESTION #2
What do Johnny Cash, Donny Osmond, J.J. Cale and Lonnie Mack all have in common?  [Scroll down for answer]

HOW COME…
...the following words don't exist in the English language?

"Sheveled"
"Chalant"
"Sequitur"
"Kempt”
“Continence"

After all, we have disheveled, nonchalant, non-sequitur, unkempt and incontinence...

CLASSIC OLD-SCHOOL FAST FOOD PLACE #5
I was reminded the other day of a chain called Mr. Quick that I really liked, even though I only got to experience them once.  During a road trip when I was a kid, we stopped in to their location in Blytheville, AR—just a stone’s throw east of Jim Dandy’s hometown of Black Oak, and just a way’s north of Memphis on I-55 near the Missouri boot heel.  This was back in the day when even at fast food places, you still had to wait a spell to get your food, so I was amazed at how Mr. Quick lived up to its name by whipping out our order in no time flat.  I also remember the vanilla shake I had was to die for.  Mr. Q had locations scattered about in the south and upper Midwest, but never made it to Kansas City.  I understand there are a handful of Mr. Quick’s still operating in Michigan, according to this tribute site.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #106
“Power Of Love”—HUEY LEWIS & THE NEWS (1985)  “Change a hawk into a little white dove...”  Not me, this time, but whoever it was that did the subtitles for the Back To The Future DVD who thought Brother Huey sang, “Change a heart into a little white dove.”

TRIVIA ANSWER
Johnny Cash, Donny Osmond, J.J. Cale and Lonnie Mack are all mentioned by name in the 1974 novelty hit “Life Is A Rock (But The Radio Rolled Me)” by Reunion, which featured Ohio Express lead singer Joey Levine.  The song also mentions everyone from Z.Z. Top to B. Bumble & The Stingers.

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #6
Almost without fail, in anything produced by Hollywood-types, people wait until December 24th to put up and decorate their Christmas tree.  And it always—ALWAYS—snows on Christmas Day.  Even if the story’s set in Guadalajara, it always snows on Christmas.  Hell, in my 44.5-plus years on this planet, we’ve only had like two white Christmases here in K.C., and the last one was over 30 years ago.

BUMBLIN', FUMBLIN', STUMBLIN'!
I was reminded of this humorous TV gaffe the other day, courtesy of ESPN’s Steve Levy.  It’s reminiscent of the time on local radio legend Dick Wilson’s morning show on Oldies 95 that Katey McGuckin read the sports and reported that the Royals’ Mike Sweeney “missed last night’s game with a stiff back. And, Dick…” [Not making that up, it really happened!]

And Jerry Mathers as the Blogger...

I’D LIKE TO THANK (AND PRAISE) THE ACADEMY…
The Oscar nominations came out today, and for the first time ever, all five flicks up for Best Picture are films that I actually wouldn’t mind seeing.  Milk and Frost/Nixon are already lined up in my Netflix queue for when they come out on DVD, and you know I’ll watch anything Kate Winslet’s in (The Reader).  ...Benjamin Button has also piqued my curiosity (even though Brad Pitt’s in it) and even this Slumdog Millionaire thing looks halfway interesting.  As expected, the late Heath Ledger is up for Best Supporting Actor for Dark Knight, and as usual Meryl Streep is nominated for something—I swear, that woman could play a damn speed bump in a movie and be nominated for an Oscar.  Also predictably, Angelina Jolie is up for Best Actress—I hope my girl Kate kicks her scrawny little overrated ass in the voting in that category!

I was also pleased to see my other girl, Marisa Tomei, was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for The Wrestler.  I’m a bit miffed, though, that Terrell Owens wasn’t nominated for his enthralling performance in his remake of The Crying Game.

MOVIE REVIEW
While I’m on movies, I watched Mamma Mia last night, and was quite underwhelmed.  I thought the story was pretty hokey, and being a big ABBA fan, I had great difficulty in digesting Razzie Award nominee Pierce Brosnan warbling one of my all-time favorite ABBA songs ("S.O.S."), as well as that older gal vamping to "Take A Chance On Me".  Much to my surprise, Meryl Streep can actually sing, but still our real ABBA girls Agnetha and Frida have nothing to fear from her.  One thing I did like was how the musicians re-created the songs—I initially thought they were just using the backing tracks from the original ABBA records with new vocals overdubbed, until I listened a little more closely for the subtle differences.  They also made a few alterations to the lyrics to fit the storyline, but I’m surprised they didn’t eliminate that silly cringe-inducing bon mot "you’re a doggone beast" from "Honey, Honey".  I imagine the Broadway musical version of MM is probably a lot more entertaining and would hold my interest a lot longer than this movie did.  I gave it about a 5.5 out of ten.

CARDINALS RULE?
Damn, I wish I’d plunked down a few bucks on the Arizona Cardinals to make it to the Stupor Bowl before the season started—I’d be poopin’ in tall cotton right about now.  Is there any doubt now that Kurt Warner has had the oddest successful career in NFL history?  Let’s review:  While laboring in obscurity as an Arena League QB, he gets pulled out of his moonlighting grocery store job and winds up leading the St. Louis Rams to two Super Bowls (winning one of them), then his career goes into decline with the Rams and he’s replaced by Mark Bulger.  He then spends a year in purgatory looking like a total has-been with the Giants while tutoring young Eli Manning.  He ultimately lands in Phoenix, and just as I was about to write him off altogether, he winds up leading the team that used to be in St. Louis to its first Super Bowl!  Certainly a most circuitous route for a potential future Hall of Famer to take, and since Warner is nearing retirement age, what a storybook ending this would be if he goes out on top by knocking off Pittsburgh next weekend.  Nothing personal against the Steelers, but having grown up watching the St. Louis football Cardinals on TV every Sunday back in the ‘70s, I’d love to see the Redbirds win this one for the likes of Jim Hart, Dan Dierdorf, Jim Bakken, Conrad Dobler, Mel Gray, Roger Wehrli and the late J.V. Cain.  Go Big Red!

USELESS INFORMATION TRIVIA QUESTION #1
What do Michael Jackson, Ichiro Suzuki, Michael Moore, Timothy Leary, Bobby Brown and Ricky Nelson all have in common?  [Scroll down for the answer]

BOB MAY, 1932-2009
The man inside the robot on TV’s "Lost In Space", actor Bob May, died earlier this week.  May did the Robot’s twisting-torso movements and arm-flailing during all those "Danger! No, Will Robinson!" moments, but not the Robot’s voice—that was provided by the show’s narrator, Dick Tufeld.  The all-time classic for me was the time when the Robot played acoustic guitar with his hooks!  Because it was so difficult getting in and out of the costume’s shell, during breaks in the shooting schedule, May would often remain inside the Robot and smoke cigarettes, which kept the cast and crew entertained with the smoke seeping through the openings.  Must have been quite a sight.  Danger!  Danger!

MOST ILLOGICAL
While I’m on ‘60s TV Sci-Fi shows, I read a trivial tidbit the other day that I’m having trouble believing.  Seems that George "Goober" Lindsey was actually considered for the role of Mr. Spock on "Star Trek".  I know he always wore that dorky pointed Jughead hat, but I just can’t picture him with pointy ears!  I can picture Goober on "Star Trek" about as readily as I can picture Leonard Nimoy on "Mayberry, RFD".  As our aforementioned friend the Robot might say, "That does not compute!"

And in a related piece of Trekkie trivia, I also read that the late Jack Lord of "Hawaii Five-O" fame was in contention for the role of Captain Kirk.  Now that I can kinda see:  "Book ‘em, Scotty!"

YER 15 MINUTES ARE UP
It’s time they dispose of the annoyingly perky Progressive Insurance chick on their TV ads.  She was kinda semi-cute to me at first, but now these commercials have become grating and stupid, so it’s time for her to join the "Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dell" geek, Joe Isuzu, Suzie Chapstick, the Domino’s Pizza ‘Noid, et al, in the irritating commercial spokesperson/character retirement home.  Same goes for that "Smilin’ Bob" goomer on those dumbass erectile dysfunction ads, the Geico gecko (and cavemen), the "Can you hear me now?" Verizon Wireless geek and the two dorks in the mini-van on the Sonic commercials.

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #5
Ever notice when they show people driving a car or truck on TV or in movies, 90% of the time the rear view mirror on the windshield is missing?  It’s also amazing in the parallel universe that is Hollywood how at night the dashboard lights in these vehicles are usually bright enough to perform surgery by.

THERE ARE SOME REAL ASSHOLES OUT THERE
Don’t believe me?  Then click here!

TRIVIA ANSWER
Michael Jackson, Ichiro Suzuki, Michael Moore, Timothy Leary, Bobby Brown and Ricky Nelson are each on the all-time roster of the Seattle Mariners.  MJ only used one batting glove, naturally...

FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU KRAMER VS. KRAMER…
It’s Cougars vs. Cougars!

There's a new sheriff in town...

WHY OBAMA?
Can someone explain to me why all of a sudden this Barack Obama guy is considered a potential candidate for President in ’08? Don’t get me wrong—I am certainly ALL FOR some fresh faces and new ideas in Washington, but why is this guy suddenly everyone's sexy choice to be Prez? I realize the Democraps are desperate for someone—ANYONE—to trot out there and lead them, but this guy with the terrible initials has only been in Congress a short while, so what’s so special about him? Surely, it’s not just on the strength of the big speech he gave at the Dem. Convention in ’04 alone, is it? The fact that he’s black doesn’t bother me at all (hell, I’ll take a PLAID President at this point, if he’s worth a damn!), but I just don’t get how someone can just suddenly come along out of nowhere and get everyone’s tongues wagging over him when he hasn’t really done anything.—B. Holland, January, 18, 2007

I guess we’re about to find out, huh?  It was almost two years ago today that I posted the above remarks, and we’ve come a long way since then.  While I’m still not completely sold on whether Obama can cut the proverbial cheese as our Commander-In-Chief, I can’t believe he could possibly be any worse than the Village Idiot he’s replacing.  Even if Obama is a mediocre President, that’s still a step in the right direction.  One issue I have already, though:  I saw where today’s inauguration cost us taxpayers anywhere from 150-170 million semolians to execute.  I’m sure if McCain had been elected, it would’ve been just as exorbitant, but given today’s economic climate, it seems to me that it would’ve been more appropriate to do a slightly more frugal swearing-in ceremony…

Anyway, I was in a fairly celebratory mood at work today around the 11:00 hour, not so much because #44 was sworn in, but because I was finally able to literally utter the phrase “Former President Bush”.  The news media this week kept reporting about a “wistful” George W. Bush in his final days in office—an oxymoron on a par with “wistful” Charles Manson, "wistful" O.J. Simpson and “wistful” Jeffrey Dahmer.  Many of the news stories I’ve read this week are about the Bush apologists saying that history will vindicate Dubya in the long run as it did Harry Truman, but I ain’t buyin’ it.  Neither are some historians quoted at History News Network, who feel that #43 will finish 43rd in the Best President of All-Time standings.

Like this one:  “No individual president can compare to the second Bush…Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every henhouse, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world’s goodwill.  In short, no other president’s faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large.”

And this one:  “With his unprovoked and disastrous war of aggression in Iraq and his monstrous deficits, Bush has set this country on a course that will take decades to correct…When future historians look back to identify the moment at which the United States began to lose its position of world leadership, they will point—rightly—to the Bush presidency.  Thanks to his policies, it is now easy to see America losing out to its competitors in any number of area:  China is rapidly becoming the manufacturing powerhouse of the next century, India the high tech and services leader, and Europe the region with the best quality of life.”

And this one:  “George Bush has combined mediocrity with malevolent policies and has thus seriously damaged the welfare and standing of the United States…Bush does only two things well—He knows how to make the very rich very much richer, and he has an amazing talent for fucking up everything else he even approaches.  His administration has been the most reckless, dangerous, irresponsible, mendacious, arrogant, self-righteous, incompetent, and deeply corrupt one in all of American history.”

Another historian indicated that his reason for rating Bush as worst is that the current president combines traits of some of his failed predecessors:  “the paranoia of Nixon, the ethics of Harding and the good sense of Herbert Hoover. . . . . God willing, this will go down as the nadir of American politics.”  Yet another remarked that Bush’s “denial of any personal responsibility can only be described as silly.”  Still another (and my personal favorite) classified Bush as “an ideologue who got the nation into a totally unnecessary war, and has broken the Constitution more often than even Nixon. He is not a conservative, nor a Christian, just an immoral man . . . .”  I can’t possibly top any of that, nor do I need to try—the man's work speaks for itself.  All I know is we can all exhale now...

As for Barack Obama, in the words of Elton John lyricist Bernie Taupin:  "From here on, sonny, sonny, sonny—it's a long and lonely climb..."

Goodness gracious...

...great balls of fire! (click pic to enlarge)

Tie your blogger down!

Just can’t seem to do that lately, as all of sudden I’ve gotten the writing bug again, and found lots to talk about…

TAKE ME TO THE PILOT!
Kudos to US Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger III and all the rescue workers who responded yesterday for their brilliant work in avoiding major carnage in New York, where an engine-less jet crashed into the Hudson River just after takeoff.  Apart from two broken legs and scores of temporarily cold bodies, there were no injuries, and all 155 aboard were moved to safety in an amazingly short amount of time.  It appears the lucky passengers had the right man at the controls on this flight, as Sullenberger has been involved in numerous safety programs in addition to his regular duties as a pilot, and he was able to guide the plane into a shallow part of the river.  Nice job also by the commercial ferry boat operators for their quick-thinking in rushing to the aid of the victims and rounding them up.

One thing I could do without in all this is the exploitation of the crash victims by the news media, especially the way all the morning shows made sure to include the little kids who were on board on their shows to tug at our collective heartstrings.  Haven’t they been through enough already to then be thrown in front of TV cameras on national TV?

OOPS, THEY DID IT AGAIN!
The (C)Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame announced this years "class" and it’s even lamer than last year’s, if that’s possible:

Metallica—Sorry, boys, but you don’t get in until Motorhead gets in, in my book.  Without Lemmy & Co., there would be no Metallica.

Little Anthony & The Imperials—Borderline choice, at best.  "Goin’ Out of My Head" and "Shimmy Shimmy Ko-Ko Puffs—er uh—Pop" are classics, and they had a nice little run in the early/mid-‘60s, but just couldn’t compete with the likes of the Temptations and Four Tops.

Jeff Beck—I guess you could make a case for him here, but since he’s already in as a Yardbird, his inclusion is kinda redundant.

Bobby Womack—Decent songwriter (he co-wrote "It's All Over Now", which the Stones and Molly Hatchet covered) and had a few minor hits in the ‘70s, but I don’t view him as being any more influential than one-hit wonder Percy Sledge, who’s also in the Hall.


Run-DMC—Out of concern for my blood pressure, I’ll have to politely refrain from discussing this utterly ridiculous selection to the Hall in depth.  Does this mean Aerosmith with make the Rap Hall of Fame when it opens?

Meanwhile, there’s the Doobie Brothers, Moody Blues, Deep Purple, Kiss, Jim Croce, Neil Diamond, Heart, Three Dog Night, et al, still sitting on the bench, just waiting to be voted in.  Oh, I forgot—people like them don’t generate enough "buzz" for the Carson Daly/Ryan Seacrest/"American Idol" crowd to get excited over and watch the induction ceremony.

HE JUST CAN’T QUIT HIM?
Unless it’s all tongue-in-cheek, K.C. Star sports columnist Jason Whitlock’s pre-occupation with his friend, former NFL quarterback Jeff George, comes across as just a tad warped.  Hardly a month goes by where in one of his columns, the Flatulent One makes the assertion that George would be a good pick-up for some NFL team needing a veteran QB, including Thursday’s column about new Chiefs GM Scott Pioli.  Never mind that JG is 41 and hasn’t even played in the NFL in eight years, nor has he even shown any indication lately that he still wants to.  And let us not forget that when he was playing, Jeff George was very insubordinate to the coaches he played for and was a bad teammate too.  The Chiefs (or any other team, for that matter) need a locker room cancer like George about like the folks in Tahiti need space heaters.  Could it be that Jason is outing himself in his columns?  Maybe he serenades George with that old Animotion song, "You’re my obsession, what do you want me to be to make you sleep with me?"  Whitlock once accused Drew Bledsoe of being gay, you know.  I’m just sayin’…

IS IT ANY WONDER NEWSPAPERS ARE DYING?
Why do major publications like the Star waste valuable print space with archaic crap like Billy Graham’s daily advice column?  All he ever advises people to do is pray, and he always says even the most unrepentant sinners will be forgiven anyway, so what difference does it make?  Hell, he probably doesn’t even write any of the tripe that’s credited to his name, either…

S’ LONG, TONY
As expected, Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy announced his retirement this week.  Dungy only played three seasons in the NFL at defensive back, but it always amazes me how guys like him who had marginal playing careers always seem to make the best coaches.  Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi are two other good examples.  True, there are some people who had great careers, like Mike Ditka (or Joe Torre and Lou Piniella in baseball, for instance), who go on to be successful head coaches or managers, but oftentimes it’s under-the-radar guys like Dungy who are the best leaders.  Classy guy, indeed, and it’s great to see him go out on his own terms.

I already like Dungy’s replacement, Jim Caldwell.  When he was introduced as Colts head coach the other day, Caldwell expressed the hope that his inaugural press conference wouldn’t wind up on one of those dopey Coors Light TV commercials.

KANSAS CITY ISLANDERS?
I saw by the paper today that K.C.’s annual NHL exhibition game in September will feature the New York Islanders playing the L.A. Kings at the Sprint Center.  The paper implied that the Isles might be interested in making Sprint their permanent home someday soon, since discussions about renovating or replacing Nassau Coliseum are about as dead as Terence Trent d'Arby’s career.  Sounds ducky to me, being’s how my beloved New Jersey Devils have their own new joint now (which they should’ve called Hell, btw) and the N.Y. Strangers will soon be playing in a remodeled Madison Square Garden.  We really don’t need three teams in the New Yawk area anyway, so let’s get on the (hockey) stick and make this happen, okey-dokey?

SALUTE YOUR LOCAL MUSICIAN!
"I tell ya, folks, it’s harder than it looks…"—Bon Scott, AC/DC

This might well have been Brother Bon’s most lucid lyric ever, in regards to what it takes to play in a band, whether you’re just playing bars or looking to make the big-time.  It’s easy to forget that there’s more to playing in a band than just plugging in your guitar and playing a gig.  There’s hours and hours of rehearsal time during the week to get the sound down, not to mention the time it takes to set up (and later tear down) equipment for a gig, then there’s the gig itself, which lasts four hours or more, just to make a few extra bucks on the weekends.  I love music, no question about it, but even if I were a musician, I don’t love it enough to kiss off that much of my free time every week.  Makes me respect my good friend Phil Alvarez and the rest of the guys in Headz Up even more for making such a commitment.

CLASSIC MUSIC TRIVIAL TIDBIT #1
First in a new series filled with useless information you can impress your friends with…

"Ain’t No Sunshine"—BILL WITHERS (1971)  During the middle break where Withers utters "I know, I know, I know, I know…" he was actually marking the place in the song as a reminder of where a potential guitar solo was intended to go.  Evidently, the producer thought it was kinda hip the way it was, so they left it alone.  Check my math here if you want, but I counted 21 "I know"s altogether.

Before he became famous, BW had an interesting job—he manufactured airplane toilet seats for a living.  While not quite as smooth a vocalist as his contemporary, the late Lou Rawls, I’m surprised Bill didn’t go on to have a bigger career than he did.

HORIZON BROADENING, 101
There was a feature in the paper this week about actress Marla Gibbs, best known as Florence on "The Jeffersons", and her current local dinner theater gig.  It seems she’s really stretching her thespian muscles in this production—this time she plays the part of a domestic servant!

"The proud blog with the golden tail..."

RICARDO MONTALBAN, 1920-2009
I just saw on the 'net where Mr. Roarke moved on to the real "Fantasy Island" today at age 88.  I always thought Montalban made a pretty good villain as Khan in Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan.  One wonders if his casket will be lined with rich Corinthian leather...

A SHOUT-OUT…
…to our good friend Randy Raley, whose radio gig in north central Illinois came to an abrupt end last week, apparently for no good reason.  One of the biggest reasons I got out of the radio industry was the sheer instability of it, and I could also never get past the sad fact that one can do a kick-ass job at any radio station, and yet still be unceremoniously fired at the drop of a hat.  And that was 20 years ago—I can’t imagine trying to function in today’s cut-throat environment in the radio biz.  I also didn’t love radio enough to keep banging my head against the proverbial wall and bouncing from station to station and town to town.  My brief radio career was fun while it lasted, but I honestly don’t miss it all that much now—I much prefer having a steady job.

As for you, Randy, you’re one of a dying breed whose heart and soul is in the radio biz (no matter how corporate it’s become), and I respect and admire your propensity for sticking with it.  You also seem pretty resilient, so I’m confident something new will work out for you, hopefully soon.  Hang in there, dude—you’re a damn fine human being and a credit to your profession.

THE BOULEVARD GETS DETOURED
Speaking of corporate radio FUBARs, barely a year into its existence, the much-ballyhooed 99.7 The Boulevard (which replaced K.C. Album Rock legend 99.7 KY) is changing formats again.  According to Entercom, the revamped station will offer Kansas City women "a blend of starpower, celebrity access, pop culture and today's hit music," and it will be built around the syndicated "On Air with Ryan Seacrest".  I think I'd rather jab ice picks in my eyes than listen to that no-talent wanker...

While I'm not shedding any tears over the Boulevard's demise, I'm sure at this very moment, a few distraught Jackson Browne fans are chaining themselves to the station's studios in protest.  Even though they did play some great album tracks now and then like Pete Townshend's "Slit Skirts" and Elton John's "Burn Down The Mission", the Blvd. was your basic bore and wasn't destined to last anyway.  Ironically, 102 The Zone, which replaced the original KY-102, also only lasted a year before changing formats again.  And the band played on...

HOLY MOLY, IT’S PIOLI!
I was beginning to worry that the Chefs would screw around and miss out on snagging Scott Pioli as their new GM, but yesterday owner Clark Hunt bagged the big fish he was looking for after all.  Based on his track record with the Patriots, this man should be light years better than Carl Peterson ever was at evaluating talent and making smart draft choices/free agent acquisitions.  This apparently will also be the end of Herm Edwards’ term as head coach, and although I like Herm for the most part, I think it’s time to make a clean break and bring in someone new with no previous ties to the team, which is pretty much what the Chefs have done for the last 12 years or so—Marty Schottenheimer was replaced by defensive coordinator Gunther Cunningham, who was replaced by Dick Vermeil (a crony of Peterson’s), who was replaced by Edwards (a crony of Vermeil's), who previously was also an assistant here.  Other than Bill Cowher, I don’t want to see any former Chiefs assistants on the new coaching staff—let’s start over and see what happens.  By the way, interesting irony/coincidence that the Bush Administration and Carl Peterson era here are ending at almost the same time.  In both cases, nowhere to go but up…

WELCOME TO "CELEBRITY PITY-PARTY"
This week’s special guest star, Sarah Palin!  Yes, Ms. Winky-Dink was back in the spotlight this week whining that the big bad news media was mean to her during the campaign.  She also complained that Caroline Kennedy isn’t being taken to task for her lack of experience in the same way that Palin was.  Beg to differ, Winky, but I don’t exactly see the media warming up to the idea of "Senator Caroline" any more than they did to "VP Palin".  Boy, for someone who claims to be a maverick lipstick-wearing, moose-dressing pit bull of a hockey mom, she sure can’t take criticism worth a damn.  Uhhh, you’re a politician, sweetheart—it comes with the territory.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…
I was watching an old "Quincy, M.E." rerun on DVD last week, and in one scene set at a cheesy casino nightclub/lounge, the house band featured not one, but TWO bass players.  Two bass players, Gracie?!?  I’ve seen bands with two drummers before, but never two bassists.  Even funnier, one of them was right-handed and the other was left-handed, both playing Fender basses.  And the lefty evidently attended the Danny Bonaduce School of Bass Playing, because there he was just a-strummin’ away on his four-string axe, instead of plucking it.  Can you just imagine what it woulda sounded like if the bloody thing was actually plugged in to an amp?

THESE AREN’T YOUR FATHER’S MARCHING BANDS
Back when I was a kid, college marching bands always played show tunes and such during halftime shows.  Nowadays, it’s downright disconcerting to hear them play heavy metal, as with the U. of Texas and their tribute to Led Zeppelin last week at the Fiesta Bowl.  I couldn’t believe I was hearing "Black Dog" from a brass band, as well as "Kashmir" and "Stairway To Heaven".  Oklahoma’s band also played a tune during their halftime show last week that it took me about 30 seconds before I recognized it—The Who’s "Pinball Wizard"!  Now if I hear Motorhead coming from a marching band, you might wanna get the rubber truck ready for me…

AND NOW, THE END IS NEAR…
…for what was my favorite movie theater of all-time, the Blue Ridge 5 Cinema at 40 Hiway and I-70 in Independence.  Even though I worked right across the parking lot from a 6-screen movie house at the Brywood Shopping Center for several years in the ‘80s, I much preferred to drive a little further over to Independence to see new flicks because Blue Ridge was so much nicer and the sound was excellent, especially in the big auditorium they added in the ‘80s to house blockbusters like, E.T., the Star Wars sequels, Back To The Future, etc.  Sadly, the Blue Ridge 5 fell victim to the soulless 20-screen AMC stadium-seating clusterfuck mega-plex located nearby, as well as the decline of the Blue Ridge Mall just across the highway.  The theater couldn’t even survive as a "dollar house" and closed for good in the late ‘90s, and its demolition is imminent in the next couple months, according to the paper.  Hate to see it go, but it’s better than watching the place decay and rot like it has for the last ten years.  Another chunk of my past bites the dust…

CLASSIC OVERUSED TV/MOVIE CLICHÉ #4
Ever notice how when someone on TV or in a movie walks into a bar and orders up a beer, they never specify what brand they want? It’s always, "Gimme a beer," or "Can we get a round of beers?"  And nine times out of ten, they hardly even drink any of it once they get it!

"NO, I DON’T GOT ANY BLUE ÖYSTER CULT…"
Even ol’ Mike Damone from Fast Times At Ridgemont High couldn’t scalp tickets to this show.  I saw this ad in the paper and it made me chuckle—yes, kids, there’s no concert, but plenty of good seats are apparently still available starting at $25!

May the farce be with you!

After football yesterday, I kicked back and watched back-to-back-to-back Star Wars flicks (the original trilogy) on SpikeTV.  It occurs to me that in this day and age of virtually no creativity in Hollywood, it's only a matter of time before Hollywood assualts us with the inevitable Star Wars remakes with today's generation of actors.  So I played casting director and came up with the "new generation" of Jedi lore:

Luke Skywalker...Leonardo DiCaprio
Darth Vader...Gene Simmons
Han Solo...Ted Danson
Princess Leia...Kate Winslet (or Peri Gilpin)
Obi-Wan Kenobi...Sean Connery
C-3PO...David Hyde-Pierce
R2-D2...Himself (Hey, if he ain't broke, don't fix him, I say!)
Chewbacca the Wookiee...Shaquille O'Neal
Yoda...Verne Troyer (aka, Mini-Me)
Lando Calrissian...Denzel Washington
Boba Fett...Bono
Jabba The Hut...Sally Struthers (or Star Jones)
Governor Tarkin...Patrick Stewart
Emperor Palpatine...Gary Oldman
Ewoks...Danny DeVito/Rhea Perlman, et al
Wedge Antilles...Adam Sandler

Other suggestions/changes are quite welcome, so feel free to whip out your light sabre and wail away!
May the Force be with us, always...
Cecil B. DeHolland :)

Stealin' when I shoulda been bloggin'

Was that my first Uriah Heep reference on here?!?  Haven’t had much time to write this week with home remodeling projects taking up my time.  Now that the bathroom is completed, I’m knee-deep in redoing my living room, which thankfully isn’t as complicated (or as expensive) as the lavoratory was, just more time-consuming because of its vast size. If all goes well, it should be done by mid-February or so, just in time to do the kitchen.

TODAY WAS/IS ELVIS’ BIRTHDAY…
That means it’s time for my annual appeal:  Those of you who have yet to unplug and/or take down your outdoor Christmas decorations need to do so immediately!  We’re well into January now…

FINALLY, I KNOW WHAT I AM…
I’ve mentioned in previous posts that I’ve struggled with my political identity over the past couple years. I’m hardly a conservative, although I do have a handful of (mostly social) conservative attitudes (my distaste for tattoos on women, for instance), but then again, although I tend to lean to the left, I don’t exactly embrace the whole "bleeding heart" liberal scene either (the trendy and farcically fashionable "going green" fad, for instance).  However, thanks to comedian Dana Carvey, I’ve found what I think is a pretty accurate description of my political slant in a term that he coined about his own political convictions—I now officially consider myself a "radical moderate".  Now I can at least define what team I play for…

FRANKEN SENSE?
Somehow, I just can’t wrap my brain around the thought of "Senator" Al Franken, who (for the moment, anyway) has been declared the winner this week in Minnesota’s contested Senate race.  Why it took over two months in this modern day and age to recount the votes is beyond me, but I loved how the newspaper here referred to him as "former comedian" Al Franken—I wasn’t aware that he ever was one!  I remember watching "Saturday Night Live" when I was in junior high school, and even then, Franken always came across as an unfunny snarky smart-ass to me, and after re-watching the old SNLs on DVD as an adult, my opinion of him hasn’t changed very much.  I think Franken’s strength on SNL may have lain more as a writer instead of as a performer, but I’m still having trouble taking him seriously as a politician.  For those who accuse me of being a radical left-winger (this means YOU, John!), I’d like to point out here that I’m picking on a liberal…

BIGGUS DICKUS?
Speaking of SNL, I’m in the midst of reading an interesting oral history of the show called Live From New York by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller.  It features great behind-the-scenes stories as told by practically everyone who was ever involved with the show, apart from those who are no longer with us (John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Chris Farley and Phil Hartman) as well as Eddie Murphy, who apparently wants to pretend he was never on the show.  One of the funniest stories involves the rather infamous 1979 episode with TV legend Milton Berle hosting.  SNL writer Alan Zweibel had previously worked with Berle and wrote a lot of jokes for him, many of which alluded to Berle’s notorious well-endowed-ness.  Zweibel picks up the story in the SNL dressing room on the night Uncle Miltie hosted:

"He’s sitting on a couch behind a coffee table and he’s wearing a very short bathrobe, the kind that comes down to about mid-thigh.  And somehow, I say to him, ‘You know, it’s so weird that I’m here talking to you, because for years I was writing jokes about your dick…I feel like there’s some violation or something here.’  He says to me, ‘You mean you never saw it?’  I said, ‘Uh, no, I don’t believe I did.’  Then he said, ‘Well, would you like to?’  And before I had a chance to say, ‘Not really’…he parts his bathrobe and he just takes out this—this anaconda.  He lays it on the table and I’m looking into this thing, right?  I’m looking into the head of Milton Berle’s dick.  It was enormous.  It was like a pepperoni.  And he goes, ‘What do you think of the boy?’  And I go, ‘Oh, it’s really, really nice.’  At which point Gilda opens the door to the dressing room…"

That episode of the show was not a particularly good one, and Berle was rather uncooperative during rehearsals and such.  I’ve read more than one account that said Milton Berle was a very unpleasant person to deal with (check out his bio on Find A Death.com, for instance), so I think it’s safe to say that Uncle Miltie had/was one big prick!

ANY OL’ EXCUSE WILL DO, EH OPEC?
So nice of them OPECkers to jack the gas prices up about 30 cents a gallon over the last couple weeks because of the whole Gaza Strip mess, never mind that the conflict doesn’t have a freakin’ thing to do with oil.  As for the Israelis and Hamas, and the Palestinians and Lebanon and all the rest of that bunch over there, I don’t care who’s right and who’s wrong and who’s justified in attacking who, whatever—just fucking settle this shit already!  Enough is enough.

DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!
While channel-surfing the other morning, I stumbled across Ann Coulter on the "Today Show", and sure enough there was that Adam’s apple bobbing up and down like a dead salmon in choppy waters—I swear this skank is a transsexual!  I also still say that for someone who claims to be a conservative, it seems disingenuous that her skirts are often short enough to be belts.  Must be time for another one of Ann’s bilge-infested right-wing books to come out if she’s making the rounds on the talk show circuit again…

WHAT IS A UTE?
Joe Pesci probably couldn’t explain it either, but I guess we’ll never know how good the Utah football team really is, even though they finished their season undefeated, yet were denied an opportunity to play for the national championship in favor of two one-loss teams tonight, Florida and Oklahoma.  I understand the whole strength-of-schedule BCS ranking stuff and all that, but what’s the point of being in Division IA if your team does the best it could possibly do in the regular season, yet has no shot at the national title under any circumstances?

ANOTHER HEADLINE I CAN DO WITHOUT…
"Oprah’s angry about her weight."  Then lay off the bon-bons, sweetheart!  B.F.D….

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #3
If there’s a fireplace in any given set on a TV show (esp. soap operas) or in a movie, there’s a 99.7% chance that there will be an unattended roaring fire blazing away in it that requires absolutely no stoking whatsoever to maintain the flames at a consistent level.  Makes no difference whether it’s the middle of summer (like in Bridges of Madison County) or if the story is set on a warm sunny day in Southern California, there’ll be a nice toasty fire to roast marshmallows over and/or ward off all that potential frostbite.

SQUAD 51 REVISITED
While I’m on the subject of fire, thanks to the dearth of decent programming on cable TV today, I’ve been mining more and more old-school TV on DVD recently and rediscovered an old Saturday night staple at our house in my youth, NBC’s firehouse action drama "Emergency!", starring Randolph Mantooth, Kevin Tighe, Robert Fuller, Bobby Troup and Julie London (that great British actress).  The various accidents and rescues that they staged on that show were surprisingly realistic for the early ‘70s, but ain’t it amazing how nearly every time Fireman Gage (Mantooth) or DeSoto (Tighe) phoned in a trauma case to Rampart Hospital, either Dr. Brackett (Fuller), Dr. Early (Troup) or nurse Dixie McCall (London)—or any combination of the three—would always be conveniently standing right there by the phone to respond?  And Brackett’s instructions were always the same:  "Start an I.V. with D5W and transport as soon as possible…"  Station 51 must have had one helluva district to serve, as one minute they’d be rescuing someone in Watts, next they’d be up in the Hollywood hills somewhere, and after that they’d be at Santa Monica Pier.  I now know from personal experience that it’s humanly impossible to get around L.A. that fast!

I’d forgotten that there was a burgeoning romance early on in the show between Dr. Brackett and nurse McCall, which was kinda weird in a way because Julie London and Bobby Troup were married in real life.  Unfortunately, during its five-year run, "Emergency!" failed to develop new and interesting characters along the way, so we were basically stuck with the same five people throughout and the show got stale rather quickly.  Still, I have fond memories of re-enacting scenes from the show on the playground with the other kids at school, playing a junior paramedic!

"Another year over...

...a new one's just begun."--J. Lennon

And not a minute too soon!  2008 was a rather sucky year, overall.  It wasn't so bad for me personally, but I know it was a rotten year for a lot of people, given the mass unemployment caused by the recession and economy and all, as well as for a few friends of mine.  I don't believe in New Year's resolutions per se, but I have begun chanting the mantra from the Edgar Winter Group classic "Free Ride":  "We (I) gotta do better...'cause nobody's winning at this kind of game."  My gut feeling is things are going to gradually turn around for lots of folks, and 2009 will be a much better year.

"I DUNNO IF I WAS REALLY DRUNK AT THE TIME..."
Here would be yours truly ringing in the new year the other night at the gig played by my good friend Phil Alvarez and his band, Headz Up, on NYE.  Either that, or I was doing my Oliver Hardy impression!  I've added the band's website link to the right here for those of you in the K.C. area who might be looking to get out and enjoy some loud, rhythmic music.  If you like variety, you'll find it with Headz Up—any band that can go from playing Prince, the Commodores and "Play That Funky Music" (white boyz!) in one set, to playing Johnny Cash, Black Sabbath and Z.Z. Top in another set can't be all bad!  I just wish they'd lay off the "Mustang Sally" thing already...

Anyway, on NYE the music was good and the music was loud, and a good time was had by all.  I also made one little observation about the folks I saw on the dance floor:  Eddie Murphy was absolutely right when he discussed white people and said, "Y'all can't dance!"  Me included...

GOTTA STAY ON TOP OF THESE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME...
Thanks to yours truly, the Kansas City Star had to print a correction Thursday for an error that I brought to their attention.  In their annual listing of famous people who passed away in 2008, they included musician Dave Clark dead at age 64, which of course is untrue.  The Star made the common mistake lots of folks do in assuming that DC was the lead singer of the Dave Clark Five, when in fact it was singer/keyboardist Mike Smith who died in February, just prior to the DC5's induction into the Crock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame.  Just to clarify, Dave Clark is the band's drummer, and he is indeed still among the living as far as I know...

WHAT ARE WORDS FOR, WHEN NO ONE LISTENS ANYMORE...
The good folks at Lake Superior State U. released their 34th annual list this week of Words To Be Banished From the Queen's English for Misuse, Overuse and General Uselessness (or the WTBBFTQEFMOAGU, for short).  Among this year's dishonorees are 'green', 'maverick', 'first dude', 'bailout', 'Wall Street/Main Street', 'game changer', 'staycation' and 'desperate search'.  And if it's not already on their list, I hereby nominate 'breaking news'.  I was especially proud of the submission made by one Ed Hardiman of Bristow, VA, who said, "If I see one more corporation declare itself 'green', I'm going to start burning tires in my backyard."  I'll gladly join you, Brother Ed—Amen!

SEVEN MORE YEARS, AND IT'S ALL MINE!
Today marks the 13th anniversary of the day I took possession of my humble abode.  It will be officially paid-for on January 3, 2016, by which time I might actually be finished remodeling it...

NFL SEASON POST-MORTEM
How 'bout dem Cowboys!  I wasn't sure if I was watching NFL football or a new sitcom on Fox last weekend, as Dallas bungled and fumbled away their game against the Philadelphia Iggles.  All I know is I have never laughed so hard during a sporting event.  I was also pleased to see the Patriots shut out of the playoffs (although their 11-5 record certainly warranted them being in) and Detroit completing their pursuit of perfection by going 0-16.  Speaking of pursuits of perfection, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ruined mine by losing to the Raiders on Sunday in the only game I incorrectly predicted last weekend.  I've been doing the picks every week for over 30 years now, and going 16-0 is the prediction equivalent to pitching a no-hitter.  Thanks for nothing, Suck-a-neers...

And then there were the Chefs looking just as pitiful in going 2-14 and securing the #3 pick in the '09 draft.  Someone please explain to me why the Chefs were still running TV ads after the Cincinnati game on Sunday encouraging people to call TicketBastard to order game tickets—there are no more games this year!!

CLASSIC OVERUSED MOVIE/TV CLICHÉ #2
Is it just me, or is it (without fail) that in nearly every movie or TV show since the '70s that's set in San Francisco, the main character either lives in an apartment or has an office with a great view of either the TransAmerica Building, Bay Bridge or Golden Gate Bridge?

DEEP THOUGHT
Are the people who hail from Maine known as "Mainiacs"?

TEARIN' DOWN THE HOUSE—UPDATE
Shea Stadium is rapidly wasting away...

2008 Asshole(s) of The Year - Part 2

The rest of the worst.  Once again, reader discretion is advised for those who are easily offended...

Sean Avery (NHL agitator)  In hockey, agitators can be a good thing to have on one’s team, but there’s a fine line between being a productive goon and being an obnoxious boor, and this cocky dimwit constantly crosses it.  Avery makes the guys on the Charlestown Chiefs look like model citizens.  Kudos to the Dallas Stars for dropping him like a bad habit following his "sloppy seconds" comments.

Al Davis (managing partner, Oakland Raiders)  The man gets more and more senile as time goes on and his "Commitment to Excellence" mantra is only half-right—the man needs to be committed, that’s for sure.  His handling of head coach Lane Kiffin’s dismissal this season was downright bizarre.  Just retire, baby—please!

Niecy Nash (host of Style Channel’s "Clean House")  I swear, every time I tune in this network while channel surfing, there’s this airhead with the fake flower in her wig and enough collagen in her lips to fill up a 747 doing her "you go, girl" shtick with a bunch of idiots who are too stupid to organize their own belongings.  A pox on all of them!

Walmart Black Friday stampeders  I have no respect for over-zealous Neanderthal shoppers who value sweet deals on X-Boxes and such way more more than a man’s life.  Fucking barbarians…

Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame induction committee  These are the people who think John Mellencamp, Leonard Cohen (who?!?) and Madonna are HOF material, while Deep Purple, the Moody Blues and Stevie Ray Vaughan are not.  What a sham.  What a shame, too.

Hearne Christopher (former K.C. Star gossip columnist)  See my previous post on why he’s here.  There’s about as much call for being a gossip columnist in Kansas City as there is for being a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model at The Vatican.

Deion Sanders (NFL Network color analyst)  For questioning the manhood of Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson for not toughing it out and playing through a severe foot injury in the playoffs against the Patriots.  This from a guy who dresses like a pimp and couldn’t even tackle Miley Cyrus.

Heather Mills (ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney)  For trying to put Sir Paul in the poor house by staking a claim to most of his fortune during their contentious divorce proceedings.  Uhhh, I don’t remember her writing any of those Beatles songs, do you?  I hope she winds up marrying some schlub like Joey Tribbiani and he throws her wooden leg in the fireplace!

Revs. Al Sharpton/Pat Robertson/Jesse "cut his nuts off" Jackson, et al  I have very little use for religious "leaders" like these.  If that’s your best, your best won’t do.

Fox News Channel  I’ll give them this much—at least they’re consistently slanted to the Right.  I was rather disappointed they didn’t try to claim that Barack Obama "looks French" during the campaign.

Michelle Malkin/Ann Coulter/Bill O’Reilly/Rush Limbaugh/Jonah Goldberg/Geraldo Rivera/Dr. Laura/Sean Hannity/Dennis Miller, et al  I’m taking the easy way out again this year and lumping all these right-wing columnists/pundits/antagonists into one entry because it would take me until the end of next year to denote all their transgressions!  Sqwaukin’ Malkin probably deserves Idiot of The Year honors for trying to get people to believe that vapid daytime hostess Rachel Ray’s scarf in a Dunkin’ Donuts TV ad was some sort of Islamic Jihad symbol.  Coulter, Hannity, Limbaugh and O’Reilly are also in the running for Asshole of the Decade honors.

George W. Bush/Dick Cheney  Also in the hunt for Asshole of The Decade, both earned their place on this list by default.  These two have brought this country’s collective psyche to its knees, and it's going to take years to fully recover from it.  Even if Obama is an abject failure as President (and I don’t think he will be), he’s got to be better than what we’ve been through these last eight years.  Good riddance to both of them!

Sasquatch  This is the code name I use for the foul-smelling former female co-worker that we had to deal with at my job until they finally fired her ass in April.  This woman thought nothing of parking her car all day in designated handicapped spaces (even though there’s nothing wrong with her, apart from her poor vaginal hygiene), was constantly late to work, spent hours on end yapping on her cell phone (during work time) and often had to take time off to deal with her incorrigible out-of-control children and/or go to court for her various vehicular accidents.  From what we’ve heard, Stinky-Poo landed a job elsewhere and is now fouling up someone else’s medical facility.  Better them than us!

Mark Funkhouser/Gloria Squitiro (Mayor of Kansas City and his idiot wife)  Speaking of Funks, this Lurch from "Addams Family" look-alike has been nothing but a joke since taking office two years ago, and his meddling wife with the Yoko Ono complex has been an absolute embarrassment to the city with her racial slurs ("Mammy" being the most infamous) and interference in official city business.  These two recently took their story to ABC and had a pity-party on "Good Morning, America" for the whole nation to see.  It’s gotten to the point now where folks are calling for a recall election to oust this boob.  I’d vote his ass out of office in a heartbeat if I actually lived in K.C. proper.

Ozzie Guillen (Chicago White Sox manager)  This poor sport’s act has gotten really stale over the last couple years after being a media darling for the likes of ESPN, et al.  Can’t seem to get over his raging paranoia about the crosstown Cubbies being infinitely more popular than his South Side squad, in spite of winning the World Series in 2005.  Could it possibly be that the Cubs conduct themselves with a little class, win or lose?

Jose Guillen (Kansas City Royals right fielder)  No relation to Ozzie, but every bit as irritating, this guy has done nothing but whimper and whine since his arrival here, whether it be about the fans, the coaching staff, the media, the front office, the bat boys, the weather, whatever.  He’s supposed to be our ace slugger, but he only hit .264 with 20 home runs—not exactly scintillating numbers for a power hitter.  His defenders all keep saying what a "great teammate" Guillen is, but seeing’s how he’s worn out his welcome with nine other teams in his career prior to the Royals, I find that hard to believe.

Josef Fritzi (Austrian sicko)  What a sweet Dad this booger was!  Imprisoned his own daughter in his basement and fathered children with her, among other disgusting things.  And yet he claimed that it was the mean old media that portrayed him as some sort of monster.  If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

Allstate Insurance  For overcharging me on my homeowner’s and automobile insurance for the last several years.  Thanks to my new alliance with Farmers Insurance Group, I’ll be paying less than half of what Allstate’s been sticking me for on property insurance, even though I’ve never ever filed a claim on my humble abode in the 13 years I’ve lived in it.  My new car insurance deal is about 2/3 of my old premiums too.  That’s my stand, Allstate—what’s yours?

Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvania)  The economy was going down the toilet, millions of people were losing their jobs, the war in Iraq raged on, et al.  Yet, all Specter had to worry about in September were the allegations that the New England Patriots may have spied on his Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl four years ago, so he pitched a fit about it and tried to enact a government probe into the matter.  It figures that he's a Republican.  Get over it, Senator…

Tony Kornheiser (arrogant condescending ESPN commentator)  This hack is such a hypocrite, as he can dish it out to players and coaches, but goes ballistic if anyone dares to even slightly criticize his work (like ESPN’s mild-mannered Mike Golic once did).  The Great Kornholio will rip on some player or coach left and right—right up until he interviews that player or coach on "Pardon The Interruption" and then he totally kisses their ass.  Kornheiser’s constant hockey-bashing doesn’t endear me to him either, and he adds absolutely nothing to ESPN’s "Monday Night Football" broadcasts.  He makes one almost long for the halcyon days of Dennis Miller or (gulp!) O.J. Simpson calling MNF games.  Hell, one of Howard Cosell’s old toupees would enhance their telecasts more than this guy does.

Milton Bradley (psycho Texas Rangers outfielder)  This clown tried to hunt down benign Royals TV announcer Ryan Lefebvre following a game at Kauffman Stadium after being enraged by comments Lefebvre made in regards to Bradley’s numerous behavioral issues.  Lefebvre astutely noted how Milty would do well to follow the example of how teammate Josh Hamilton resurrected his life and career after years of being a first class fool.  What’s more, the game Bradley was watching on TV was one he was still playing in!  Way to keep focus, pal…

Kathy Griffin (annoying Joan Rivers wanna-be comedian)  Oh, how she irritates me—let me count the ways!  What a waste of perfectly good red hair…

Dick Vitale (omnipresent ESPN college basketball analyst)  Mute buttons don’t stand a chance against this loud-mouthed rube and even throat surgery couldn’t shut him up.  This joker takes over every game broadcast he’s on and makes them all about him.  Put a sock in it, bay-bee!!!

Billy Packer (former CBS college basketball analyst)  Thankfully, 2008 will be Packer’s final Final Four, as CBS finally had the good sense to part ways with this biased pro-ACC/pro-Big East moron.  As a Missouri fan, I was more than pleased to see a Big 12 team—even arch-rival Kansas—show Packer up and win the big show.

Bernard Madoff (Ponzi scheme scumbag)  I don’t even fully understand all the shit this palooka pulled off yet, but any guy who bilks innocent people (and even corporations) out of tons of money should be strung up by his nutsack.  Sit on it, Ponzi!

Super 8 Motels  For neglecting to mention when I made my on-line reservation with them this summer for downtown San Francisco that there was no free off-street parking for that particular location, and that I would have to pay an additional $20 a night for valet service.  The hotel they depicted on the website didn’t match the one I stayed in, either.  As tacky as they might be, at least Motel 6 has never screwed me over like this.

Phill Kline (God-playing overzealous pro-life Johnson County, KS District Attorney)  This horses’ ass oversteps his authority time and time again in his attempts to close down abortion clinics in Kansas, yet he wasn’t opposed to the option of seeking the death penalty in the murder trial of the punk who raped and killed teenager Kelsey Smith.  Even though I live in Missouri, I’m glad that his term is ending soon, but something tells me he won’t go away quietly.

Esther  Another nuisance co-worker who has been a thorn in my side and bane of my existence for well over six years.  We referred to her as "Esther" because of her resemblance to Grandma Walton, and she single-handedly turned ineptitude into an art form in her medical records position, which she thankfully resigned from in June—a belated birthday gift for yours truly!  On top of everything else, Esther is a God-fearing, born-again super Christian, and upon her departure, she had the unmitigated gall to send me (and only me) one of those church pamphlets quoting scripture accompanied with a typewritten personal note telling me that she prays for me and said I needed to find Jesus to straighten my life out.  Sanctimonious sacks of shit like her are a big reason why I'm a non-believer in the first place!  I got the last laugh, though, when I showed the literature Esther sent me—which is considered a form of harrassment in the workplace—to my manager, who placed it in Esther's permanent file, thus meaning she has zero chance of ever being rehired by my employer if she ever tries to return.  I felt like Sgt. Carter finally being rid of Gomer on the day she left our employ!

A boot to the head to one and all who made my 2008 Asshole(s) of The Year review!  Let's hope there won't be so many candidates for the 2009 list...

2008 Asshole(s) of The Year--Part 1

Time for my 2nd-annual review of those who offended yours truly during the past year.  One change I've made this time is eliminating the countdown format, since ranking assholes is rather pointless—sorta like comparing a toilet full of turds—thus I'm merely listing them in no particular order and splitting them up into two posts.  Those of you who are easily offended should exercise reader discretion—I take no prisoners!

Jason Whitlock (K.C. Star sports columnist)  The Flatulent One makes the list again this year for numerous reasons, the most glaring one being his claim that he is not political and doesn’t exercise his hard-earned right to vote, therefore he calls himself "a nonvoting, casual observer."  Yet he constantly pisses and moans about all the injustice directed at young black people in this country.  Until you get off your fat ass and vote, Jason, you have no right to bitch about anything.

The Texas polygamists  Slavery, incest, child molestation and sodomy all in the name of religion.  What a country!

Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Barack Obama’s former pastor)  Ah yes, the man who claimed that the U.S. invented AIDS to wipe out black people—never mind all those gay white folks who die of it, right, Rev?  I thought men of the cloth were supposed to healers, not race-baiters.  As much as I like Obama, his connection to Wright is a constant reminder to me that he’s not above reproach.  Meantime, damn Wright’s ass to hell…

Billy Mays (annoying TV pitchman)  One thing that will get you nowhere when trying to sell me something is screaming and hollering at me.  Click!

Pat Boone (hack has-been entertainer)  Tried to draw a direct connection between the Mumbai terrorist attacks and California Proposition 8 protesters.  Typical conservative Christian pinhead behavior—blame the gays for everything evil.

John Edwards (former Democratic Presidential candidate)  While on his own campaign trail, this wuss got caught thinking with his dick and cheated on his wife, who is fighting breast cancer.  In the words of Daffy Duck, “You’re despicable!”

Eliot Spitzer (former New York governor)  “Client #9” is another politician who let the little head do the thinking.  What’s baffling about his situation is the prostitute he did the dirty deed with was light years uglier than his trophy wife babe.

Rod Blagojevich, (Illinois governor)  Mr. Jagovevich is like a political Mark Cuban who thinks he’s above the law, and he’s left behind a trail of shit that would stretch from sea to shining sea.

O.J. Simpson (unconvicted double murderer)  Another holdover from last year’s list.  Everyone sing along with me now, “You’re in the jail house now…”

Nancy Grace (objectionable CNN legal commentator)  CNN tries to paint this helmet-haired twit as being passionate about seeking justice, when in fact she’s nothing but a sensationalistic ratings whore.

Oil industry  Sure, gas prices are back to 2003 levels now, but that doesn’t excuse the exorbitant $4.00+ a gallon crap they were sticking it to us with just four months ago.  Cry me a freakin’ river when they go bankrupt.

Anyone on those annoying FreeCreditReport.com TV ads  As long as this bogus outfit keeps calling their service “free” when we know damn well it ain’t free, I will continue to rip on them.  That smiling bozo singing like Weird Al Yankovic on these dumbass commercials needs to have his nuts slammed in a car door.  Twice.

Amy Winehouse (overrated tattooed singer)  If this skank had even an ounce of talent, then she might be worth all the fuss she causes.  She’s the Janis Joplin of this generation, and will probably be dead within a year.

Kid Rock (no-talent bozo in a hat)  Apparently has issues with people in Waffle Houses now.  He’s nothing but white-trash noise to me.

Dr. Phil (hack TV psychologist)  I used to admire this man’s work, but Ol’ Doc Boy lost what little credibility he had left with me when he tried to intervene on Britney Spears’ behalf earlier this year, yet claimed that publicity (and inherent ancillary TV ratings) for him was not his motivation.  In Dr. Phil’s own words, “Anyone who believes that, stand on your head…”  How’s that workin’ for ya, Doc?

Brett Favre (New York Jets quarterback)  Up until he announced his retirement from the Green Bay Packers, I had the utmost respect for this future Hall of Famer, but he has soured his legacy in my eyes with his passive-aggressive Drama Queen act by un-retiring and joining the Jets.  While he exceeded my expectations on the field in New Yawk, I’ve grown real tired of his whiny “woe is me” attitude about how the media treats him.  You shoulda quit while you were ahead, Brett.

Tom Cruise (overpaid Scientology shill)  No particular reason why he made the list, really.  He made it just for being Tom Cruise.

Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson (Cincinnati Bengals wideout/media distraction)  The Bungholes should’ve traded this clown to Ringling Bros. and gotten a couple of bearded ladies in return—they’d have been more productive than Ocho Stinko was this season.  At least when Shannon Sharpe bragged about how great he was, he backed it up.

Jim Cramer (CNBC blowhard financial “expert”)  Speaking of clowns, here’s one who inexplicably escaped from the Ringling Bros. compound.  I’d sooner seek financial advice from Mr. Keebler.

Roger Clemens (steroid hop-head/former Major League pitcher)  Openly whined that Congress was mean to him during his steroid hearings, thus ruining his reputation.  He who liveth by the sword (or needle, in his case), shall be stucketh…

Larry Johnson (Kansas City Chiefs running back)  Spent more time in court than most judges this season and very little of it on the field for the Chefs because of his various off-field FUBARs.  Apparently has difficulty holding his liquor, seeing’s how he either spits it or throws it at various females in nightclubs.  Is now openly campaigning to be traded, and I’ll be delighted when the Chefs take him up on it.

Hank Steinbrenner (New York Yankees president)  “The Boss”’s son took over the family business and is even more infinitely annoying than his old man with all his bitching and whining about all the injustices the poor Bronx Bummers have had thrown at them, like having to play Interleague games and getting one of their pitchers hurt while running the bases.  Same pitcher could’ve just as easily suffered the same injury covering a routine double play at first base in a regular American League game.

Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska/former Vice-Presidential candidate)  My distaste for that wacky maverick Ms. Winky-Dink is well-documented over the past four months on this blog, so no need in re-hashing it.  $150,000 for clothes and make-up?  Yeah, that’s real conservative.  I still have visions of Sarah Palin appearing on “Dancing With The Stars” or co-hosting “The View” in 2009.

Terrell Owens (Dallas Cowboys wide receiver)  You knew it was just a matter of time before this jagoff reverted back to his old form of being a locker room cancer.  It couldn’t happen to a nicer team, either.

Manny Ramirez (former Boston Red Sox/L.A. Dodgers leftfielder)  Another clubhouse cancer, this whiny dreadlocked bitch simply quit on his team so he could take his toys and go play somewhere else.

Soulless corporate radio station executives everywhere  For letting this once-proud medium de-evolve into a bland one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter landscape.  True, listeners have more options than ever with satellite radio, iPods, Internet, et al, but that’s all the more reason for terrestrial radio stations to strive to be different instead of so staggeringly boring!

John Gibson (Fox News radio yakker)  This is the tick turd who made fun of actor Heath Ledger’s passing in January by constantly mimicking the line “I can’t quit you” from Brokeback Mountain.  No class.

More names to come soon in a future post...

Someday soon we'll stop to ponder...

...more deep thoughts like these that I fished out of the archives that were previously sent to me:

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• For Sale:  Parachute.  Only used once, never opened…small stain
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Corduroy pillows:  They’re making headlines!
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into engines
• Boycott shampoo!  Demand REAL poo!
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
• If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
• Support bacteria—they’re the only culture some people have
• Televangelists:  The Pro Wrestlers of religion
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
• 24 hours in a day…24 beers in a case…coincidence?
• Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
• Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
• Laughing stock:  cattle with a sense of humor
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• Black holes are where God divided by zero
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise a hand
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
• If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
• I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• And whose cruel idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it scary that doctors call what the do "practice"?
• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
• What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
• Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they worried someone will clean them?
• Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• If a mime is arrested to they tell him has the right to talk?
• Why do they put Braille on drive-thru ATMs?
• Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
• Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
• What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?