Right--You're Bloggy Well Right!

GOIN’ TO HELL IN A HANDBAG, ARE WE?
Amazing thing, this economic meltdown is, ain’t it?  For the first time in my life, I actually now give a shit about the Dow Jones Industrial Average on a daily basis, and after following it throughout the day at work all week, I have to ask—how/why is it we (as a nation) put our economic well-being in the hands of a bunch of Wall St. bloodsuckers?  After all, isn’t the stock market basically a form of legalized high-stakes gambling?  I have no doubt Mr. Spock would find this whole thing “most illogical.”  I hope the experts are right in that this period of volatility will probably subside after the election—if we make it that far before Great Depression, Part Deux, that is…

THE FACE OF AMERICAN POLITICS TODAY…
McCain/Palin supporters had their collective panties in a wad this week over Palin’s extreme (and un-retouched) close-up cover photo on this week’s Newsleak, er uh, Newsweek all because it showed off all her flaws.  “This cover is a clear slap in the face at Sarah Palin,” a Republican political commentator told Fox News.  “Why?  Because it’s unretouched.  It highlights every imperfection that every human being has.  We’re talking unwanted facial hair, pores, wrinkles.”

As usual, the Republicans only care about what shows, rather than the actual issues, thus their desperate attempt to divert voters’ attention—no wonder McCain is rapidly losing ground in this race.  Their crass gambit of trying to link Obama with terrorists smacks of desperation too.  As for close-up photos, I don’t see where Newsweek or Time tried to airbrush that big mole next to Obama’s nose on previous covers either, so gosh darn it, maybe next time Ms. Winky-Dink might wanna whip out her Lady Schick and rid herself of those unwanted facial hairs before her photo shoot!  As for wrinkles, this woman is 44 years old—she should have friggin' wrinkles!  Hell, I'm 44 and I have wrinkles...

By the way, I think Sarah Palin looks kinda French, don't you?

A GREAT READ
Just finished reading the very interesting autobiography of Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo entitled The Grand Illusion—Love, Lies and My Life with Styx.  Chuck was ironically my least favorite member of Styx during their heyday, although he’s a decent bass player—I’d put him in the category of "serviceable" with the likes of Van Halen-ex Michael Anthony and U2’s Adam Clayton.  However, I’ve learned a new respect for CP after reading his dual-purpose chronicle which not only tells the history and internal strife of the band (including his late twin brother John‘s downward spiral with alcoholism), but Chuck’s struggles with his sexuality and battle with HIV/AIDS that ultimately led to his coming out as being gay in 2001.  My reaction to the latter revelation was “kinda figured”, not unlike when I heard the same about the late Freddie Mercury.  Ironically, on the day of my first Styx concert in 1981, my old man said to me, "Styx?!?  Isn't that one of those queer groups?"  Uhhh, not exactly, Dad...

As for the band, it seems that the internal squabbles more or less started about the time of the album Cornerstone when Dennis DeYoung insisted on including his treacle-ly ballad “Babe”, which subsequently became a #1 hit (naturally, it would), further fueling DeYoung’s already burgeoning ego.  I’ve tried to give DDY the benefit of the doubt over the years, as I think he’s a great songwriter—in spite of authoring the inane line, “You are here/So am I (ya think?), the weather‘s quite divine” from “Light Up”.  He’s an outstanding keyboardist to boot, but it appears Dennis is the main culprit as breaker-upper of the original group in 1984.  His grandiose Broadway-style musical leanings that led to the dreaded 1983 Kilroy debacle chafed everyone else’s hineys and even after a couple of semi-successful reunions in the ‘90s, guitarists Tommy Shaw and James Young got fed up with DeYoung and moved on without him, replacing him with kinda-sorta sound-alike keyboardist Lawrence Gowan.  I used to think it was a situation where both sides were wrong and that it was all a lot of petty B.S., but now I see Tommy’s and JY’s point:  Sorry, Dennis, but Styx is a Rock band, not a Cabaret act, so get over it, Mr. Robert Orin Charles Kilroy!  Excellent book…

PLEASE, LET'S NOT "COME ON, GET HAPPY" AGAIN!
I heard this week that NBC is developing a new version of “The Partridge Family”.  They’re treading on sacred ground here, but apparently this time instead of the kids recruiting Mom to form a musical group in the garage, Mom will be the protagonist trying to make a quick buck or two off her offspring à la Miley Cyrus, et al.  Three cheers for originality, huh?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #97
“Hotel California”—THE EAGLES (1977)  “Her mind is Tiffany-twisted—she got the Mercedes-Benz…”  Thirty-one years after its release, I just realized yesterday that Don Henley wasn’t singing “Her mind is definitely twisted…”

THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF—LITERALLY!
My trusty 13-year-old Briggs & Stratton lawn mower is sadly showing its age, as the right front wheel literally fell off of it this morning as I mowed the back 40.  The body frame of the mower developed a crack between the bolt holes after years of wear and tear, and the wheel literally tore part of the frame off with it.  Undaunted, I finished the job on three wheels anyway!  Hate to have to replace this rascal, because the mighty B&S motor still runs like a Deere.  Hard to believe I only paid a c-note for this mower brand new in 1996—easily the best $100 I ever spent.

GETTIN’ PRETTY SQUIRRELY!
A contributing factor in my mower’s demise could well be the large burial mounds created by this little bastard squirrel that I’ve had to navigate over during the last week.  He’s been stashing his nuts away for winter, and I’m going to string this little douche-bag up by his nuts, if I ever catch him, as he’s made my yard look like downtown Beirut.  Don’t be fooled by their cutesy appearance, folks—squirrels are just rats with fuzzy tails...

HOW WEIRD AM I?
Yours truly may well be the only person in the history of Netflix to have both the (original) Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Mary Poppins in his DVD queue at the same time!  I watched the latter last night for probably the first time since I was like, five.  I remembered the music from MP moreso than the film itself, and sad to say, it comes across mighty hokey some 40-odd years later.  Dick Van Dyke had no business trying to pull off a Cockney accent, either.  As for TCM, it’s even dumber than it was the first time I watched it 20 years ago.

Great new innovation!

I hope the folks at the GalleryOfTheAbsurd website don't mind me pirating this, but Gosh Darnit, it's too funny to sit on!

And it's so idiot-proof, even Dubya can use it—IF he'd remember to remove the lens caps!

 

Speaking of mooses, I know I've posted this before, but it's one of my favorite jokes of all time, so it's worth repeating...

Q: What's the difference between the Lawrence Welk Orchestra and a moose?

A: Well, for one thing, a moose has its horns in the front and its asshole in the rear...

Pay no attention to that blog behind the curtain...

JUST BEEN PLAYIN' POSSUM HERE
My apologies for not having posted anything this week, but I think I'm going through what all bloggers experience from time to time—a case of blogger's cramp.  I've had several things I've wanted to write about at length, but for whatever reason, I kinda hit the wall this week and didn't feel inspired to create anything.  I've been in a bit of a funk too, mostly over a good friend's misfortune (see below) and this whole economy crisis and such, therefore I've been running on radio silence this week.

HANG IN THERE, JIM...
On a serious note, I want to send out long-distance best wishes to a friend of mine/fellow traveler who is going through an especially rough year.  He lost his brother in a car accident back in the spring, and last weekend his 25-year-old son was badly injured in a dune buggy accident in Oregon in which he lost his left leg below the knee.  Much worse, Jim's sister's fiance and 19-year-old daughter from a previous marriage were killed in the same accident, when their sand rail collided head-on with another sand rail being driven by some stupid drunk fuck in a locale that apparently has a history of this type of accident—what a needless, senseless (and avoidable) tragedy.

Jim, my friend, I don't know what to say—you and your family sure don't deserve this.  My thoughts are with you, man. I hope Phillip is able to recover and get on with his life...

THANK YOU, DETROIT...
...for losing that make-up game with the White Sox on Monday, thus enabling the Royals to finish out of last place for a change.  Weren't the Tigers 'sposed to be good this year?!?

I STILL DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES!
But I'm at a loss to explain why the Chicago Cubs are trying desperately to repeat last year's three-and-out playoff series, as the Dodgers swept the first two games at Wrigley Field.  Perhaps the Cubs should've lobbied Commish Bud Selig to move their home games to Miller Park in Milwaukee...

PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!—PART I
For the second straight year, innocent baseball viewers are being subjected to a barrage of promos between innings on TBS for "Frank TV", starring mildly-humorous-at-best impressionist Frank Caliendo during the playoffs.  Caliendo himself apologized last year on ESPN's "Mike & Mike In The Morning" radio show for the way TBS force-fed him to us, and yet they're doing it again.  Don't they have anything else to plug on TBS, like some "Friends" reruns or something?  Oy!

PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!—PART II
Shame on DirecTV and actor Craig T. Nelson for these new ads that feature the late Heather O'Rourke doing her "They're here..." bit from Poltergeist.  These commercials creep me out in much the same way as did those Orville Reddenbacher popcorn ads they put out a couple years ago—even though he'd been long-since deceased.  Wrong!  Wrong!  Wrong!

DUDE, YER GETTIN' A CELL!
Congratulations to Orenthal James Simpson for finally getting his sorry-ass thrown in jail (probably for good) after being convicted for being a dumbass and assaulting people with deadly weapons, kidnapping and such.  I guess this means O.J.'s search for the "real killers" is now permanently scrubbed...

O.J. AND HELIO DOWN BY THE JAILYARD?
Meantime, race car driver and "Dancing With The Stars" alum Helio Castroneves and his sister/agent are up on tax-evasion charges that go back about five years.  Exactly how dumb are you, Helio?

WHILE I'M AT IT...
Ted McGinley on "Dancing With The Stars"?!?  That's a contradiction in terms!  I'd sooner watch John C. McGinley hoofing it on that show—at least he actually stars on a TV show ("Scrubs"), rather than perennially playing some peripheral dork character.

WHO WERE THOSE GUYS...
...that impersonated an NFL franchise last Sunday at Arrowhead Stadium?  Those guys in the red uniforms must have been impostors, because they gave an inspired, not to mention, dominant effort against the Denver Broncos, winning 33-19.  Commish Roger Goodell should've launched an investigation immediately!

OVAH!
The last time the Missouri Tigers won a foosball game in Lincoln, Nebraska, I was a mere lad of 14 in the 9th grade at Raytown Junior High.  Thirty years later, that streak is about to end, unless the Cornhuskers rack up six TDs and a 2-point conversion in the 4th quarter and keep MU off the board—which ain't gonna happen.  Nice going, you Tiggers!

ATTENTION, CHIEFS, ATTENTION!
Might I suggest you draft Mizzou's Jeff Wolfert next year and solve your place-kicking woes?  The boy is good...

BRIAN HOLLAND, CORPORATE SHILL?
I received an e-mail the other day with the following offer:

I wanted to know if by any chance you would be interested in doing an unbiased review of our site on your blog.  If you agree you can choose between receiving a product sample or receiving a payment.  If you choose the product sample instead of the payment the sample is yours to keep and you don’t need to send it back. The product sample that you can get is Peloop - a penis enhancer...

Is that anything like Austin Powers' "Swedish-made penis enlarger--with male symbol"? Uhhh, no thanks, Peloop—I'm perfectly happy with my Li'l General as he is.  Besides, what the hell am I gonna say?  "After trying Peloop, my dick's three sizes larger now..."  Riiiight.

METHINKS I SEE A PATTERN HERE
I took a mini-road trip today over to Paola, KS to check out another eatery that's been profiled on Food Network's "Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives", a place called the BBQ Shack.  This is the fifth place I've visited that's been hyped on DD&D, and the fourth one I've been majorly underwhelmed by.  First off, the place is no longer even a shack, as they've recently relocated to a sterile strip mall, secondly, there wasn't anything special about their food and thirdly, I found the servers there to be rather rude.  In fact, their food gave me a rather nasty case of the Schaefers (diarrhea, to youse non-beer drinkers) a couple hours ago.

Of all the DD&D places I've visited so far, only Hodad's in San Diego was worth the visit to me.  Just a hunch, but if these places pay ol' Guy Fieri enough money, he'll say anything they want him to about how great their food allegedly is.  Fieri has visited three places right here in Kansas City that I've never even heard of before, and it seems to me that if they were really that good, I'd already know about them.

MY KIND OF PLACE!
Here's one Guy Fieri ain't been to yet!  A friend sent me these pics of a place in Arizona called the Heart Attack Grill.

















Click on this pic and check out the menu items!








And if you should require a little defibrillation, trained nurses are always on hand! It just so happens I'm thinking of taking a little vacation to the Valley of the Sun this coming February, so screw Hooters—I think I might pass by for a By-Pass burger!

Easy, Catman--they are serious!!

Bun E. Criss?!?  Now it can be told that once upon a time, circa. 1977, that Cheap Trick's Bun E. Carlos nearly replaced Peter Criss onstage when Kitty-Cat was having substance abuse problems.  Read all about it, here.  Clearly a case of Catman-don't!

Irritable Blog Syndrome

PAUL NEWMAN, 1925-2008
We lost another big name yesterday with the death of Hollywood legend Paul Newman.  The tabloids have been claiming for weeks that Newman was in ill health with cancer for quite some time, and for once they were evidently right.  I never much cared for his salad dressing, but the man was a damn fine actor, as evidenced by his ten Oscar nominations for Best Actor in films like The Sting, Cool Hand Luke, The Verdict, Road To Perdition and Color Of Money, the latter of which he won the Oscar for.  I may be a tad biased here, but beyond all those flicks, I think his finest performance was his portrayal of beleaguered and grizzled minor league hockey player/coach Reggie Dunlop in 1977's Slap Shot.  Damn funny movie, even if you don't like hockey.

Paul Newman was also very much into auto racing, and even raced competitively himself well into his '70s.  Even more impressive, he was married to the same woman for 50 years, Joanne Woodward, a Hollywood actress herself, no less.  Most celebrity marriages don't even last 50 days anymore, let alone 50 years.  R.I.P., Reggie... "Old time hockey! Eddie Shore!"

BIG MONEY...GOT NO SOUL!
"Sometimes pushing all the buttons/sometimes pulling out the plug..."

Man, Neil Peart of Rush was spot-on with that 1985 lyric...

Why has this whole economy thing come to all this bailout crappola?  It'd be one thing if one single cataclysmic event like 9/11, some big natural mega-disaster or invasion by the Russians or something was causing our current economic crisis, but good moogly-woogly, we're imploding on our own, thanks to a bunch of greedy Wall St. douches.  And why the fuck didn't we see this coming so we could head it off at the pass?  OR, is this whole thing just more fear-mongering on the part of the Bush Administration—one more for the road, eh Dubya?  I love how his own Republican cronies actually turned on him this week when the bailout thing was almost a done-deal.  It would be easy to blame Dubya for all this mess, and some of it is indeed his fault, but not all of it.  But, it did happen on his watch, and it seems like a fitting bookend to this absolute debacle and joke of a Presidential administration.

WANNA DREAM A LITTLE?
A friend of mine sent this to me via e-mail. Sounds logical enough to me...

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.  Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U. S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.  So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.  So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.  My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.  Of course, it would NOT be tax free.  So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.  Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.  That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.  But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.  A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?  Pay off your mortgage—housing crisis solved.  Repay college loans—what a great boost to new grads.  Put away money for college—it'll be there.  Save in a bank—create money to lend to entrepreneurs.  Buy a new car—create jobs.  Invest in the market—capital drives growth.  Pay for your parent's medical insurance—health care improves.  Enable deadbeat Dads to come clean or else.

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back.  And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.  If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( vote buy ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.  If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!

As for AIG, liquidate it.  Sell off its parts.  Let American General go back to being American General.  Sell off the real estate.  Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.  Here's my rationale.  We deserve it and AIG doesn't.  Sure it's a crazy idea that can never work.  But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!  How do you spell Economic Boom?  I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion WeDeserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.  And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.  Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

And let me add—with everyone getting that kind of moolah, crime would probably decrease dramatically since there'd be less incentive to steal stuff.  The travel industry would be booming again because people could afford to go places more often.  Charities would also greatly benefit.  Now if we could do that with $85 billion, can you imagine what we could do with that $700 billion they're trying to bail the economy out with this weekend?  Shit, I could almost retire on that much money...

DEBATING THE DEBATE
I watched the entire Presidential debate last night between McCain and Obama, and I gave a very slight edge to Obama overall.  Barack didn't exactly blow me away, but Big John did precious little win me over, especially when he constantly interrupted Obama as he spoke.

TO THE SPOILERS GO THE VICTORIES
Check out our lowly Kansas City Royals this weekend, as they try to throw a wrench into the Minnesota Twins playoff plans.  Our suddenly-mighty Cornholios have been on a hot streak the last couple weeks, and won their 75th game today—a mark I wouldn't have bet the farm that they would reach about this time a month ago, given how awful the Royals played in August.  Luckily for the Twins, the White Sox have lost five in a row and still trail Minnesota by 1/2 a game.  Chicago has a game in hand on Minnesota, however, and might have to play Detroit on Monday to make-up for an earlier rainout.  Getting back to the Royals, if you take away the months of May and August, this would've been a pretty decent season, overall.  If they could just add a couple more decent bats to their lineup, they could be the Tampa Bay Rays of '09.

MOVIN' ON UP...
...without even playing!  That appears to be the scenario for the U. of Mizzou, whose foosball team is idle this week.  But, thanks to #1 USC losing on Thursday at Oregon State (yay, Beavers!), #3 Georgia losing to Alabama in their own house tonight and #4 Florida losing by one point today at the hands of Ole Miss in their own house, #6 Missouri is likely to move up in the rankings just in time for their showdown in Lincoln next Saturday against Nebraska.  Plenty of intrigue already, and we're only five weeks into the season...

NOOOO, NELLIE!
While I'm on college football, I heard something on the radio one morning this week that made me throw up in my mouth.  It was a commercial for that "Free" Credit Report.com bullshit featuring none other than legendary sportscaster/college football icon Keith Jackson.  Keith, buddy, your Gatorade spots were wonderful, but please tell me you aren't THAT hard-up for cash to have to resort to doing ads for this bogus outfit?  I think I'd just as soon hear you do endorsements for tampons or douches...

AREN'T WE REACHING A BIT?
This little nugget on the KissAsylum website made me chuckle today.  Seems there is now a Vinnie Vincent tribute CD entitled Kiss My Ankh!  It features remakes of Vincenzo's Kiss classics (all half-a-dozen of them) and some other stuff he wrote, all performed by a bunch of nobodies.  A Vinnie Vincent tribute CD is the equivalent of E! Entertainment doing a "True Hollywood Stories" segment on Jared from Subway or maybe that comedian who did the "You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay...but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson" shtick!

TOTAL NON-SEQUITOR HERE...
For no particular reason, I stumbled across the name of R&B singer CeCe Peniston today and quickly noticed that you can't spell Peniston without 'penis'!  I believe Peniston is Latin for "heavy dick"...

A LEFTOVER FROM MY TRIP
I meant to post this pic a while back and forgot about it.  This would be one of Rock music's more famous addresses, 2400 Fulton Street in San Francisco, better known as the Jefferson Airplane hangar, beginning in 1968.  The band lived, rehearsed and conducted business there, and Grace Slick often served as your friendly drug stewardess (get it, Airplane? Stewardess?) for a time.  I hoofed it around the adjoining neighborhood, which is just up the hill from Golden Gate Park, and it looked like a fine place for an LSD trip.  Timothy Leary's dead...

Oh no, they say he’s got to go…oh no, Blog-zilla!

WHAT I WAS DOING YESTERDAY
I generally try to post something every Saturday, but I was a tad busy yesterday replacing the siding on the back of my house with the help of my good friend Phil.  This pic shows the results of our nearly 11 hours of labor.  My legs and back are killing me today, but it was totally worth it to correct 30 years worth of jungle rot that had infected the woodwork underneath the shoddy aluminum siding that some yokels installed long before I ever owned the place.

In spite of all that, I kinda liked seeing the natural light beaming into my bathroom, and was tempted to install a window thereof, but I'm not sure if my neighbors to the north would've enjoyed seeing yours truly buck nekkid and full monty all the time, so I opted to go the conventional route and replace the walls.  Special thanks once again to Phil for sacrificing another Saturday to help me out. I owe you a veritable shitload of favors, my friend...

THOROUGHLY DIS-GUS-TING
As soon as I tuned in the Chefs-Falcons game today, I knew I was in for a long day.  It's a given that since K.C. and Atlanta are just one step above Pop Warner-level football, we viewers get stuck with Pop-Warner-level hacks like CBS' Gus Johnson, the Les Nessman of TV football announcers.  After he spouted the term "Hot-lanta" three times in a 15-minute span, I immediately hit the mute button on my TV and flipped on the Chefs' radio guys.  Get a real job, Gus...

While I'm at it, a memo to CBS' James Brown:  Lose the "Shan-NON" thing when referring to your tag-team partner Shannon Sharpe—you don't even sound Black when you do this shtick...

"PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS CHIEFS SHOULD STOP FOCUSING ON WINNING"
That's an actual headline from today's K.C. Star, regarding our local NFL franchise.  Uhhh, I think they already did, being's how they've now lost 12 regular season games in a row.  To give you an idea of how bad today's 38-14 loss was, during the first half not long after I gave up on Gus Johnson and Co. on TV and turned on the radio, I actually switched over to my rented "Love Boat" DVD reruns in favor of wasting precious minutes of my life watching this fiasco.  The world NFL record is 26 losses in a row by the expansion 1976-77 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the Chefs are almost halfway there already.  I'd be shocked if they win a game all season this year...

"THERE'S NOTHING REAL IN THE WORLD ANYMORE!!!"
Late Oakland Raiders play-by-play man Bill King might've re-uttered his own famous words today as the lowly Miami Dolphins (1-15 last season) fed the New England Patriots their own lunch today in Foxborough 38-13.  This thing wasn't even close, either, and the Pats' NFL-record 21-game regular season winning streak ended with a muffled thud.  Okay, if a 1-15 team from a year ago could do this in the Patriots' house, then why could the 4-12 (last year) Chefs only manage a 17-10 loss at Gillette Stadium two weeks ago?  Oh, I forgot, we're rebuilding.  Meh...

HAIL TO THE SPARTANS!
Whilst Phil and I were toiling away yesterday, Michigan State made Saturday an A.G.D. (Automatic Good Day) for me by whooping up on Notre Dame in East Lansing, 23-7.  That's the way ya do it...

WELCOME TO THE SHOW...
Cubs win!  Cubs win!  I was quite pleased to see the Chicago Cubs clinch their second straight NL Central Division title yesterday.  I firmly believe that 2008 may truly be the year the Cubbies finally get over the hump and win the whole she-bang because unlike past years when they've made the playoffs ('84, '89, '98) and totally sucked the next season, they've actually improved on their record this year and have made the playoffs in successive seasons.  They should have no problem with any of their National League brethren (Dodgers, Mets, Phillies, Brewers, whoever) in the playoffs, and I think they stack up nicely against any American League foe they might face in the World Serious.

JUST AN OBSERVATION...
...but does that goomer in the UPS TV ads writing with the dry-erase pens not bear a very strong resemblance to Mike Damone in Fast Times At Ridgemont High?  Bet he could still score you some good Cheap Trick tickets too...

JUST ANOTHER OBSERVATION...
Two weeks ago, I paid $3.34 a gallon for gas before Hurricane Ike hit.  Even before Ike came ashore, gas jumped 15 cents a gallon here to $3.49, yet it was determined that the damage Ike inflicted was fairly negligible, and yesterday gas here suddenly dropped to $3.29 a gallon.  Luckily, I filled up before the shit went up, but what cheeses me off is how these oil company scumbags raise the price of gas solely on what might happen instead of actual results.

And oh by the way, do you think these companies like my trash collectors who jacked up their monthly fee by a buck or two when gas was $4.00 a gallon are going to revert back to what they were charging previously now that we're back into the $3-twenties again.  Shit, no!  Bull-puckey, I say!

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS ON GIVING
I saw by the 'ol Internet today that singer George Michael was busted today in London for drug possession once again.  Just like during his 1998 arrest in Beverly Hills' Will Rogers Memorial Park for waxing his own dolphin, Georgie Boy was busted in another toilet.  I'll give the boy credit—if nothing else, he sure is consistent.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #96
"Him Or Me-What's It Gonna Be?"—PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS (1967)  "...and if you decide it's him, I'll change my plans..."  I started listening to this song when I was barely three years old, therefore I knew precious little about two-timing women-folk, so forgive my youthful innocence when I thought Mark Lindsay sang, "...and if you decide it's him, I'll change my pants..."

"THIS IS THE END, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND—THE END..."
Tonight brings the curtain down on the "House That Ruth Built", the venerable Yankee Stadium in Da Bronx.  Very mixed feelings on this end about it all, as I never got to visit this hallowed sports institution, especially after I passed up the opportunity last month to do so in favor of doing my California excursion instead.  But, given how easily I was rattled by all the scum and villainy I encountered in downtown San Francisco, I know now that I sure as hell wasn't ready to take on the Big Apple without a police escort and a personal bodyguard, therefore I think I made the right move, therefore, so be it.  Eighty-five years' worth of history (not just baseball) has gone down at this legendary locale, everything from Babe Ruth to Lou Gehrig to Muhammad Ali to Joe DiMaggio to Giants/Colts-Don Ameche to Yogi Berra to Mickey Mantle to the Pope(s) to Roger Maris to Frank Gifford to Pele to Sugar Ray Robinson to Thurman Munson to Don Larsen to Billy Joel to Billy Martin to G. Brett's pine tar to Don Mattingly to Howard Cosell to Yogi Berra to Pink Floyd to Reggie Jackson to Derek Jeter to A-Rod to Mariano Rivera to Bob Sheppard.

The last name on that list is the Yankees' legendary P.A. announcer, Bob Sheppard, who turns 98 years old next month.  This man could even make dickey dick-brain Rickey Henderson sound like a saint when he uttered his name.  Shit, I'd give my left nut and maybe part of the right one to hear the man announce my name as I step up to the plate—"Now batting, number 11, designated sitter...Brian Holland...number 11..."  Sadly, Bob has been in poor health since last season and unable to perform his duties during this final season for The Stadium. I sincerely hope they can at least find a way to allow him to give tonight's starting lineups one more time from his living room couch so we can hear "Number two...shortstop...Der-ek Je-tahhh" live one more time.

My favorite Yankee Stadium memory?  That's easy—George Brett's mammoth home run into the right field upper deck during the 1980 ALCS to propel the Royals into the World Serious for the first time ever.  I'll never forget as long as I live the drunken revelry in Crown Center that night after the game as we all chanted "Yankees suck!!" and "Cosell sucks!!" in front of the local TV cameras that night.

Even though the New York Yankees are every bit as evil as Darth Vader, the Dallas Cowboys, Nancy Grace, TV evangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Notre Dame football, Herbalife, Bill O'Reilly, the San Diego Sockers, Ann Coulter, Tom Cruise, the Oakland Raiders, Michelle Malkin, Wal-Mart, Dick Cheney, Sean Hannity, the oil industry and quite a few others to me, I DO respect their history, and especially that of what is probably the most famous sports venue in the world, so don't think I'm not a little sadder at the passing of this eternal baseball institution.  For this one night—and one night only—I'm root-root-rooting for the Yankees to win tonight.

Oobie Doobie Doo

The Brothers Doobie are yet another band that has been inexplicably denied induction into the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, despite having more than enough credentials thereof.  I’d put their output (including even the Michael McDonald-era stuff) up against that of Bob Seger, Tom Petty and John Mellencamp any day, and they’re all in the Hall.  As you might have gathered, I’m much more partial to the good-time Rock ‘N’ Roll Tom Johnston-era Doobies, as opposed to the wimpy Jazz-Fusion Michael McDonald-era Doobies.  Don’t get me wrong—ol’ McDonald is a great singer and can do blue-eyed soul even better than Hall & Oates ever dreamed they could, but apart from two or three standout tracks, the stuff he did with the Doobies paled in comparison to the earlier (and later) stuff with Johnston.  I much prefer TJ’s warm and friendly voice, which ironically, I find more soulful than MM’s! 
And let us not forget the once-in-a-while capacity of Doobie stalwart Pat Simmons to produce some real gems in their musical catalogue, as well.

Throughout all their various personnel changes, my favorite Doobie Brothers lineup has to be the 1975 Stampede era with Johnston and Simmons, along with Jeff “Skunk” Baxter on guitar, Tiran Porter on bass, and John Harte and the late Keith Knudsen on drums.  By the way, two drummers, Gracie?  I’ve never quite understood why any band needs more than one drummer (Allman Bros., .38 Special, latter-day Moody Blues, et al) to maintain one beat, but whatever floats yer boat, I guess.  Anyway, although I’d become familiar with their big hits on AM radio growing up, the first time I ever actually saw the Doobie Brothers was that infamous episode of TV’s “What’s Happening!” ("Doobie Or Not Doobie") where the band played a concert at Raj and da gang's high school and brother Rerun tried to make a bootleg of the show for some thugs—as if smuggling an ordinary cassette tape recorder under a trench coat would yield a high-quality concert recording—riiiight!  Johnston was already gone by that time, dealing with some health issues that forced him off the road for a while, and McDonald became the focal point until the band broke up in 1982.

Johnston and Simmons reunited with Porter, Harte, former drummer Michael Hossack and late percussionist/vocalist Bobby LaKind in 1989 for the vastly underrated Cycles album, which featured the hit single “The Doctor”, which I like to call “China Grove, Jr.”  It was almost as if the Doobie Brothers had invented time travel, because this record just felt like 1974 all over again.  Their 1991 follow-up, Brotherhood, wasn’t quite as strong, but it still had its moments.  Johnston and Simmons still tour constantly to this day (mostly without McDonald, who’s busy singing Motown songs on his own tours) and they can still bring it.  Put these guys in the Hall already, will ya please?

My all-time Doobie Brothers Top 20
20) “Echoes Of Love” (1980)  This was the beginning of the end the first time around, but not a bad song.
19) “Evil Woman” (1973)  Not to be confused with the ELO or Black Sabbath tunes of the same title.  Sounding kinda like the Eagles' "Witchy Woman" in places, it’s sadly kinda forgotten now.
18) “It Keeps You Runnin‘” (1976)  Now forever associated with Forrest Gump…
17) “Another Park, Another Sunday” (1974)  I didn’t think much of this one at first, but it’s kinda grown on me over the years.
16) “Too High A Price” (1989)  Also sounding almost Eagles-esque at times, this Pat Simmons tune was the closing track from Cycles.
15) “Listen To The Music” (1972)  Sad to hear this one being used on TV commercials now, but whaddya expect?  Check out Peter Frampton on Comes Alive! on the ironically-titled song “Doobie Wah” and tell me if it doesn’t bear a bit of a resemblance to “Listen To The Music”.
14) “The Doctor” (1989)  Son of “China Grove”—most bands wouldn’t get away with recycling the same riff and instrumentation from an old song for a reunion album, but somehow the Doobs did.
13) “Black Water” (1974)  Gets played to death on the radio, but still brings back fun memories of listening to it when it first came out when I was ten.
12) “Without You” (1973)  Nice power chords on one of the edgier Doobies tunes.
11) “Double Dealin’ Four Flusher” (1975)  I don’t have a clue what Pat Simmons is singing about here, but it’s nifty little romp to close out the Stampede album.
10) “Takin’ It To The Streets” (1976)  Easily M. McDonald’s finest hour with the Doobie Brothers.
9) [Tie] “China Grove” (1973)/“Long Train Runnin’” (1972)  These two probably would’ve scored higher on my list, but they’ve both been played to death so much on the radio that I’ve grown a little weary of them.  Still, they’re both classics.
8) “Wrong Number” (1989)  A cautionary tale about the evils of cocaine from Cycles: “That sugar it ain’t worth the price…”  Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?
7) “Rockin’ Down The Highway” (1972)  As the title suggests, this is an outstanding road trip song.
6) “Jesus Is Just Alright” (1972)  Probably the first thing I remember hearing from the band on the radio when I was about seven or eight.  Originally done by The Byrds in 1969, a highly ironical favorite for an agnostic like me.
5) “Need A Little Taste Of Love” (1989)  Those trademark Doobie harmonies were a perfect fit for this excellent cover of the Isley Brothers tune.
4) “Take Me In Your Arms (Rock Me)” (1975)  Another excellent cover version that blows the original away.  It was the first 45 I ever bought that literally had my name printed on it, as I apparently co-wrote this Motown classic with Eddie Holland and Lamont Dozier—where the fuck's my royalty check?!?  For the longest time, I wondered how the Doobie Brothers made themselves sound like girls doing the backing vocals before I learned of the concept of hired studio singers!
3) “One Chain (Don’t Make No Prison)” (1989)  Great lyrics here ("One rain don't make no river/one punch don't make no fight", etc.) and the backing track has a lot of drive to it. It even kinda sorta sounds like the old Sweathog lost classic “Hallelujah” in places.
2) “Ukiah” (1973)  I first heard this song about four in the morning on the old KY-102 when I was about half-asleep sometime in the early ‘80s, but right away I knew it was the Doobie Brothers with those harmonies.  Very underrated track off the killer The Captain And Me album.
1) “I Cheat The Hangman” (1975)  Is this song a trip or what?  That “What’s Happening!” episode was my first exposure to this underrated classic, and I dunno why it doesn’t get more airplay on the radio.  All you Classic Rock program directors out there—why not give “China Grove” and “Long Train Runnin’” a little break now and then and play this one, eh?

Separated at birth?

You be the judge--Bob Walkenhorst of The Rainmakers (2nd from right on the album cover) vs. Neil Diamond, circa. 1972. Downright scary...

Music stuff just screaming out to be mocked

Rousing the rabble

Could you describe the rabble?

PALIN IS FAILIN’…
…to impress me.  The more I learn about this woman, the more I dislike her.  Not that I was planning to vote for John McCain anyway, but having a homophobic, anti-abortion, Creationist conservative super-Christian on his ticket sure ain’t gonna sway me, not to mention that Palin is a big-time suck-up to the oil companies and the NRA.  Before I catch hell for what I say about Palin, let me point out that I’m not sexist and I am ALL FOR the idea of a woman in the White House someday.  I’m just not convinced that the ex-Mayor of Moose Twit, Alaska (or whatever her town’s called) is qualified to run the big show, and I couldn’t take any more Clinton shenanigans, therefore Hillary ain’t the answer either.  To quote something I saw in the paper today:  "Life’s a bitch—don’t vote for one…"

Palin also has this very artificial Katie Couric cutie-pie air about her that makes her look rather Stepford-Wifey and phony to me.  And I hate the way she always wears her hair up like a prom queen.  I’ve never understood women who have long hair but always wear it up—why not just cut it short and not have to fuck with it?

Predictably, the McCain camp is pitching a fit over Tiny Fey’s impression of Palin on "Saturday Night Live" the other night, claiming it was sexist and demeaning.  Funny, they don’t seem to mind when women like Hillary Clinton, Rosie O’Donnell and Oprah are lampooned on SNL and other TV shows of that ilk, and I don’t hear Barack Obama pissing and moaning whenever he’s been sent-up on the tube.  Sorry kids, but Palin is a politician, so by definition, she’s fair game in my book to be spoofed every bit as much as any male politician, so suck it up and deal with it, Republicans!

MORE HYPOCRISY
Check out this little blurb submitted by a K.C. Star reader:  "Charles Gibson’s demeanor during his interview with Gov. Palin was stone-faced, abrupt, subtly hostile and condescending.  What a poor reflection of the unbiased media."

Okay, then why didn’t this gal complain when douche-bag Bill O’Reilly interviewed Obama?

WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?
Big hoop-de-doo locally yesterday as Johnson County held the sentencing hearing for Edwin Hall, the tick-turd who murdered 18-year-old Kelsey Smith last year, the story of which generated national (not to mention sensationalistic) headlines.  His sentence was already determined months ago at the trial because of the plea agreement that was reached—so why do the courts insist on wasting taxpayer dollars on this formality?  I say throw his sorry ass in jail already and move on!

And of course, the media milked this story for all it’s worth and played it up so they could tug at our collective heartstrings one more time.  Again, I don’t mean to sound insensitive to the victim or her family—this was a terrible thing to happen to anyone—but I, for one, am growing really weary of all the hypocritical attention this case has garnered solely because Kelsey was a pretty white girl when so many other people of all races and both sexes are murdered every hour in this country, yet the majority of them never have their story told.  Another thing I’m tired of hearing is how Kelsey’s parents (who seemingly have become addicted to the media spotlight) "plan to keep their daughter’s memory alive through the foundation they established.  The goal is to stop the senseless killings that seem to never end," according to the K.C. Star.  A noble aim, to be sure, but I fail to see how merely throwing money at this problem is going to make it all go away.  Color me cynical all you want, but they’re dreaming if they think their little foundation is going to make a lick of difference.  Nutbags are going to kill innocent people no matter what precautions one takes.

AND YOUR POINT IS?
Speaking of murder and mayhem, I give you this from the AP today:  "A double murderer scheduled to be executed next month in Ohio said Tuesday he has not deliberately gained weight to rule out his death by lethal injection.  Instead, Richard Cooey said in a death row interview that his execution cannot be carried out humanely under current state procedures because his veins are hard to reach.  ‘Vein access was an issue even when I was back in the service,’ Cooey, 41, said in an hour-long interview with the Associated Press at the Ohio State Penitentiary."

Okay, let me get this straight—this fucker killed two people, and they’re worried about treating HIM humanely?  If you can’t get the damn needle in him, then beat him over the head with with a 10-pound sledgehammer and get it over with—fuck being humane!

"WE’RE ALL COMMUNISTS NOW!"
That’s what CNBC "Mad Money" host/financial "expert" Jim Cramer says in light of the federal bailout of AIG, et al.  Uhh, I’d sooner take financial advice from Krusty The Clown than this bombastic goomer who looks like the Muppet heckler Waldorf on Speed, the way he waves his arms around all the time.  I can’t believe this bozo is still even on the air, but I guess he still has enough sycophants to justify his airtime.  There are some real suckers out there…

By the way, how is it AIG, Merrill-Lynch, Lehman Bros., et al, all just suddenly found themselves on the verge of bankruptcy over the same weekend?

NORMAN WHITFIELD, 1941-2008
Motown producer/songwriter Norman Whitfield died yesterday at age 67 of complications from diabetes.  He deserved induction into the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame for "Papa Was A Rolling Stone" alone, but he also wrote such classics as "Heard It Through The Grapevine", "War" and "Ain't Too Proud To Beg", and produced "Car Wash" for Rose Royce, among many others.  Prolific, indeed...

RICK WRIGHT, 1943-2008
Longtime Pink Floyd keyboardist Rick Wright also joined that "Great Gig In The Sky" this week of cancer.  I didn't know a whole lot about the man, but he was instrumental (literally) in my two favorite Floyd songs ever—"Us And Them" and the vastly-underrated "One Of These Days".  Why bassist Roger Waters was/is such a douche and kicked Wright out of the band for a time after The Wall came out is beyond me.  He certainly was in the Wright...

DEM BONES, DEM BONES!
Congratulations to our Kansas City T-Bones for winning the Northern League minor league baseball championship last night over those dreaded Gary (Indiana) RailCats.  The team is your basic cast of cast-offs, including former Royal Ken Harvey and former St. Louis Cardinals upstart Bo Hart.  It is what it is—MINOR minor league baseball—but it’s still a fun time at their games.  They play in a first-class ballpark over by the Kansas Speedway and draw surprisingly well, considering their low profile.  One can attribute some of their success to the Royals’ lack of success over at Kauffman Stadium these past few years, not to mention free parking, cheap food, low ticket prices and a burgeoning entertainment district across the road at The Legends.  I’ve heard the Northern League might be on its last legs, though, so the Bones might be playing in another league next season.

In spite of their championship, I wouldn’t count on any ticker-tape parade for the T-Bones down Minnesota Avenue in K.C.K.—there aren’t enough armored vehicles in the state of Kansas to protect the players from that shooting gallery…

WEDNESDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL?!?
Kansas State plays at Louisville tonight on ESPN.  Aren’t we getting a little carried away now?  I’m a major mondo football fan here, but even I’m getting tired of all these weeknight games these days—shit, they’re playing college games literally every night of the week now on ESPN.  I kinda like having that break during the week to get fired-up for the upcoming weekend's games, but now the lines are getting so blurred, it's hard to tell one weekend from the next. What’s next—Tuesday morning football?

Three great ways to improve cable TV

Courtesy of the good folks at Cracked.com!

Another Monday shot to hell...

HAIL (STONES) TO THE CHEFS!
Up until now, I’ve been patient with head coach Herm Edwards, I’ve given G.M. Carl Peterson the benefit of numerous doubts and I’ve put up with Larry Johnson’s chronic pissing and moaning, but after that sorry-ass performance yesterday against the Raiders at Arrowhead, my patience has reached its end.  I firmly believe the U. of Missouri would’ve kicked the crap out of the Chefs yesterday.  Granted, the Chefs don’t have the greatest talent on the team as a whole, but they should’ve been good enough to beat Oakland, who got flogged by the Broncos last week on MNF.  Johnson was just shy of worthless—22 yards rushing on 12 carries?  Hey LJ, try running somewhere else besides right up your own lineman’s ass, and you might gain a few more yards.  I blame yesterday’s debacle totally on the coaching staff—that team was obviously not prepared to play a decent football game, and it reminded me of those lovely days back in the late ‘70s when the Chefs were absolutely abysmal and only 15,000 people even bothered to show up to watch them every Sunday.  Those days are about to return, so we best get used to the games being blacked-out on local TV because the sellout streak at Arrowhead is ovah after this…

SPEAKING OF SELLOUTS…
Is anyone besides me already getting tired of those TV ads featuring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates?  Yes I know, Seinfeld’s been a corporate shill for years, but I don’t recall comedians George Carlin, Richard Pryor or Robin Williams feeling the need to do TV commercials.  And what the fuck does Bill Gates need the money for doing these ads for?

COMMITMENT TO EXCELLENCE?
In Raiders owner Al Davis’ case, it’s more like a commitment to being committed, as talk swirled this week that he’s about to fire his second-year head coach Lane Kiffin just two games into the season.  There’s a big reason why the Raidas have sucked big-time in recent years, and it’s not Kiffin—it’s Davis himself!  He’s made numerous questionable personnel decisions and has gone through more head coaches than the K.C. school district has gone through superintendents over the last ten years or so.  Hey Al, just retire, baby…

GET BENT, BECKHAM!
I know I’ve ranted about this subject before here, but it bears repeating—I just don’t get all the hysteria over David Beckham, do you?  I guess he’s like the Tiger Woods of outdoor soccer, but this obsession over him by the media and fans is getting to be a joke.  Becks was in town Saturday night with the L.A. Galaxy to play our mighty K.C. Wizards.  Even though the Wizzes have been playing soccer all season in a minor league baseball stadium (the T-Bones’ insert-corporate-name-here Ballpark) because of renovations to Arrowhead, the ‘Head suddenly became available for this match so gullible fans could pay an extra $10 a ticket and $12 bucks to park (which is normally free at the T-Bone joint) just to see Beckham be a non-factor in the Wizzes’ 2-0 win over the Galaxy.  Apart from all the abject hysteria he’s caused, Beckham’s impact on the game of soccer in this country has been minimal, at best, and nearly non-existent on his own team, which has the worst record in Major League Soccer and hasn’t even won a game since June.  My friend Steve in England swears up and down that Beckham truly is the shit, and is worthy of all this folderol, but I personally think he’s more like (as the Brits also say) the shite!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #95
"Join Together"—THE WHO (1972)  "Do you really think I care, what you read or what you wear?"  Or as I originally heard it, "Do you really think I care, what you EAT or what you wear..."

POOR OZZIE GETS UPSTAGED ONCE AGAIN
I couldn’t help but chuckle last night when ESPN cut away from their broadcast of Ozzie Guillen’s Chicago White Sox playing Detroit to show the final three outs of the Cubs’ Carlos Zambrano’s no-hitter in Milwaukee against Houston.  Ozzie’s always bitching and whining that the Sox never get any respect in Chi-Town, even after winning the World Series in ’05, and that the Cubs always get the lion’s share of the love in spite of their 100-year championship drought.  Could this be because the Cubs conduct themselves with a fair amount of class, Ozzie?  I hope Minnesota catches the White Sox and knocks them out of the playoffs.

Meantime, even though I’m a Cubs fan, I do think the Astros kinda got screwed on this deal by having to play these games in Milwaukee because of Hurricane Ike.  Milwaukee is practically a northern suburb of Chicago, and Miller Park is almost the Cubs’ home-away-from-home as it is, because whenever they play the Brewers there, the place is over half-filled with Cub fans who make the 90-minute drive.  Seems to me that Cincinnati, St. Louis or even Atlanta might’ve been a more suitable alternative.

Concert Trek - Epilogue

Just a few odds and ends and afterthoughts on all the concerts I’ve ever attended.  Thanks for indulging me if you read any or all 21 Episodes of this little journey on the blog.  It was a lot of fun for me digging up some great memories and sharing them…

Tale Of The Tape
Yours truly has attended 106 concerts featuring approx. 141 different musical acts in 31 different venues in seven different states since June, 1979.

ACT SEEN MOST FREQUENTLY IN CONCERT
1) Kiss (15)
2) Ted Nugent (9) [Three times as headliner, six as an opening act]
3) [tie] Van Halen/Z.Z. Top (7)
4) The Who (5)
5) Pat Benatar (4) [Three times as headliner, once as opening act]
[Six others tied at 3 each]

VENUE MOST FREQUENTLY FREQUENTED AT CONCERTS
1) Kemper Arena (26)
2) Sandstone Amphitheater (21)
3) Municipal Auditorium (8)
4) Arrowhead Stadium (7)
5) Uptown Theater (5)
6) [Tie] Starlight Theater/Liberty Memorial Mall (4)
7) Guitars & Cadillacs—Olathe (aka, Roadhouse Ruby’s) (3)
[Five others tied at 2 each]

Misc. Rankings and Musings, etc.

BEST CONCERT
1) Elton John—Starlight Theater, 1982
2) Van Halen—Kemper Arena, 1982
3) Paul McCartney—Arrowhead Stadium, 1993
4) The Who—Reunion Arena (Dallas), 2000
5) Kiss—Alltel Arena (North Little Rock), 2000
6) Z.Z. Top—Kemper Arena, 1981
7) Styx—Kemper Arena, 1981
8) Rolling Stones—Faurot Field (Columbia, MO), 1994
9) Dave Edmunds—Uptown Theater, 1982
10) Van Halen—Kemper Arena, 1981

WORST CONCERT
1) Jackson Browne—Sandstone Amphitheater, 1993
2) Black Oak Arkansas—Land Of Oz (Kansas City, KS), 1995
3) Jethro Tull/Emerson Lake & Palmer—Sandstone Amphitheater, 1996
4) Rush—Kemper Arena, 1981
5) Styx—Kemper Arena, 1983

BEST OPENING ACT
1) Bryan Adams—Kemper Arena, 1983 [for Journey]
2) Quiet Riot—Kemper Arena, 1983 [for Z.Z. Top]
3) Twisted Sister—Kemper Arena, 1984 [for Iron Maiden]
4) Loverboy—Kemper Arena, 1981 [for Z.Z. Top]
5) A Flock Of Seagulls—Municipal Auditorium, 1982 [for The Go-Go’s]
6) Motley Crue—Municipal Auditorium, 1984 [for Ozzy Osbourne]
7) John Hiatt—Sandstone Amphitheater, 1993 [for Jackson Browne]
8) Night Ranger—Starlight Theater, 2001 [for Pat Benatar]
9) .38 Special—Arrowhead Stadium, 1981 [for Foreigner]
10) White Lion—Kansas Expocentre (Topeka), 1987 [for Kiss]

WORST OPENING ACT
1) After The Fire—Kemper Arena, 1982 [for Van Halen]
2) Blind Melon—Faurot Field (Columbia, MO), 1994 [for the Rolling Stones]
3) Mitch Ryder—Olathe Town Square, 2001 [for Mark Lindsay]
4) Ugly Kid Joe—Sandstone Amphitheater, 1992 [for Ozzy Osbourne]
5) Alice In Chains—Sandstone Amphitheater, 1991 [for Van Halen]
6) New American Shame—Roadhouse Ruby’s, 1999 [for Motorhead]
7) Jeff Black—Guitars & Cadillacs, 1996 [for John Hiatt]
8) Pat Benatar—Sandstone Amphitheater, 1997 [for Styx]
9) John Cougar (Mellencamp)—Arrowhead Stadium, 1982 [for R.E.O. Speedwagon]
10 The Pretenders—Kemper Arena, 1980 [for The Who]

BEST CONCERT THAT COST ME NOTHING TO ATTEND
1) Paul McCartney—Arrowhead Stadium, 1993 [Thanks, Nadine!]
2) The Who—Arrowhead Stadium, 1989 [Thanks, dear sister!]
3) Pat Benatar/Night Ranger—Starlight Theater, 2001 [Thanks, Rose!]
4) Quarterflash—Lyric Theater, 1981 [Thanks, KY-102!]
5) Mark Lindsay/Gary Lewis/Mitch Ryder—Olathe Town Square, 2001
[Thanks, whoever!]

BEST CONCERT VENUE
1) Starlight Theater
2) Municipal Auditorium
3) Reunion Arena (Dallas)
4) [Tie] Uptown Theater/Liberty Hall (Lawrence, KS)
5) Memorial Hall (Kansas City, KS)

WORST CONCERT VENUE
1) Beaumont Club
2) Grand Emporium
3) Sandstone Amphitheater
4) The Lone Star
5) Riverport Amphitheater (St. Louis)

HEADLINERS I GOT TO MEET AFTERWARDSJohn Entwistle (1998)
Mark Lindsay (2001)
Jerry Reed (1983)
Ray Stevens (1988)

TOP ACTS I STILL HAVE YET TO SEE, BUT WOULD LIKE TO (If I could afford tickets)
Bruce Springsteen
U2
Billy Joel
Aerosmith
Neil Diamond

ACTS I REGRET NEVER GETTING TO SEE IN CONCERT (In no particular order)
Led Zeppelin
Queen
Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band
Lynyrd Skynyrd (pre-plane crash)
Jefferson Airplane/Starship
Girlschool
Black Sabbath (w/Ozzy, and maybe w/Dio, too)
Ozzy Osbourne (w/Randy Rhoads on guitar)
Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
Black Oak Arkansas (In their prime)
Z.Z. Top (On their 1976 "World Wide Texas Tour")
Missing Persons
Alice Cooper (In his prime)
The Who (w/Keith Moon on drums)
Kiss (in 1977, at the height of their popularity)

The one after 9/09

Only a hardcore Beatles fan would come up with that obscure reference…

D’OH!
Well, I got to enjoy having Tom Brady on my fantasy football team for all of seven minutes before his season came to a crashing halt in Sunday’s game with the Chefs.  Even if TB had a mediocre day, my team would’ve won easily instead of losing by six lousy points.  To me, this was the equivalent of finally getting that dream car I always wanted—then totaling it two blocks from my house.

As for the play in which Brady was injured, it was clearly a legal hit by K.C.’s Bernard Pollard, but that didn’t prevent Super Whiner Randy Moss from claiming it was a cheap shot and calling Pollard a dirty player.  Uhhh, how would you know, Randy?  You were way down at the other end of the field when it happened, fumbling the pass that you had just caught, so just loosen up your cornrows and shut the fuck up, mmm-kay?

DID I MISS A MEMO?
Since when did we start spelling Hawaii "Hawai’i"?  All of sudden here lately during sporting events, our 50th state has this misbegotten apostrophe in it for some reason, even though all through school and "Hawaii Five-O" reruns, I grew up on it minus the apostrophe.  Is this some Polynesian heritage deal that got overlooked or just some trendy new thing?  If it’s the latter, I do hope this means my beloved home state won’t morph into "Missour’i"…

OFF THE RAILS ON THE CRAZY TRAIN
Following a movie discussion at work the other day, I decided to rent the camp film Pink Flamingos, starring the late gender-bender Divine and directed by chronic flamer John Waters, best known for 1988’s Hairspray.  Waters has always come off as a strange ranger to me, but he topped himself in this one.  Between this couple fornicating with (and suffocating) live chickens in one scene and Divine literally eating dog shit in another, this thing made Borat look positively mainstream.  I don’t mean to be overly-analytical, and I do enjoy an off-the-wall movie now and then, but exactly what point was Waters trying to make here?

ONE DULL OF A TIME
In honor of actress MacKenzie Phillips’ recent drug bust, I decided to rent Season 1 of "One Day At A Time" this week since it’d been in my Netflix cue for quite a while.  I watched that show sparingly back in the day, mostly after Valerie Bertinelli began to "blossom", you might say, but beyond that, I never much cared for it, especially Bonnie Franklin’s kill-joy mother character.  After watching a few episodes again, I was reminded of how screechy Franklin and Phillips could get at times—like fingernails on a blackboard.  It also got me to wondering which dinner theater in America Pat Harrington has an engagement at these days.  I don’t think I’ll bother with Season 2…

A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT
The Oakland A’s released former Royal Mike Sweeney yesterday, following yet another injury-truncated season.  Sweeney claims he still wants to play another year, but why?  If I were him, I’d take all that unearned money he’s made over the last five years and run.  Or in his case, take the money and limp…

CALL ME A HERETIC...
...but what exactly is wrong with putting ketchup on a hot dog?  I've read in more that one place where mustard is the only officially recognized liquid condiment allowed on frankfurters.  One of those legendary drive-ins in Chicago profiled on the Food Network that specializes in hot dogs won't even serve ketchup on your hot dog.  My profoundest apologies if I go against protocol, but I hate mustard, so get over it, you weenies!  Get it?  Weenies!

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #94
"Hold Your Head Up"—ARGENT (1972)  When I was a little kid, I first thought they were singing "Blow your head up!"  Not the most scintillating Rock song you’ll ever hear, but a classic, all the same.

JUNEAU WHAT?  I THINK THIS SARAH PALIN’S KINDA WEIRD…
Have ya gotten a load of her children’s names yet—Piper?  Trig?  Bristol?  Do they not have baby name books up in Alaska?  Why would you name your child after a difficult mathematics course?  Or the hometown of ESPN?  And this woman could be a heartbeat away from the Presidency?  Given McCain’s age, it’s a distinct possibility.  Be vewy vewy caweful…

Do you (You!) feel like I do?

TO MARKET, TO MARKET
For the first time in a couple years, I loaded up my vehicle today and headed over to our local flea market at the old drive-in theater to peddle my wares and make a few extra bucks.  Apart from the old movie screen having been torn down, not much has changed there—same ol' crowd, same ol' routine.  If they ever decide to field an Olympic Low-Baller team, they can recruit its members right there at the Swap 'n' Shop, as nearly every time I go to sell there, some schmuck tries to get me to sell something for less than half of my asking price.  I even had some mongoloid today who tried to pay for a $6 item with a $100 bill!  Another thing that kills me about this particular flea market is how they don't even enforce their own rules.  For example:

—No pets:  I see people walking their dogs there damn near every time I go.
—No loud noise/music:  There are boom-boxes going off everywhere, not to mention lawn mowers, chainsaws and such being test-driven by potential buyers.
—No food or drink:  People everywhere (including yours truly) not only eat and drink there, but sell food and drink there!
—No pornography:  I didn't seem him today, but there's usually some Cecil B. DePorno scalawag selling XXX-rated DVDs right next to the men's room by the snack bar.
—All vendors must collect sales tax:  Riiiiight...

Another thing I get every time I go to sell is "How much are ya gettin' for yer CDs?" even though the prices are clearly marked on the little white stickers I went out of my way to affix to them.  Makes me want to ask these fools, "How'd you get this far in life?"  Then there's the idiot smokers hovering over my valuable baseball cards on the table with their ashes dangling precariously from the end of their cigs—makes me feel like Billie Bird in Sixteen Candles with the spatula trying to catch the other old gal's ashes while she's cooking...

YOU CAN DO VETTER THAN THAT!
Amid all the folderol surrounding John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin, the term "vetting" has been used quite a bit.  Until this week, I was totally unaware there was such a word, which basically means to check out or investigate someone’s background thoroughly, and it sounds to me like McCain didn’t exactly do all his homework on this gal, given the various scandals and FUBARs she has been/is involved in, and not just the one regarding her knocked-up offspring.  Speaking of which, while I generally despise the use of the suffix "gate" when applied to political scandals these days, I’ll make an exception for this one, which the media have dubbed "Broken Water-gate".  Friggin’ brilliant!  Don’t forget to boil water and tear sheets…

As for Ms. Palin, I'm still kinda stuck on the Michael Palin/Monty Python thing with her.  Every time I hear that surname, I think of "Albatross! Albatross!"  Can't wait to see her do the "Fish-Slapping Dance", either.  Oh, she's a lumberjack and she's okay...

YOU GOTTA LOSE YOUR JOB IN DETROIT, ROCK CITY…
Speaking of political scandals, Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick stepped down this week after admitting to various and sundry misdeeds while in office, including obstruction of justice and perjury, plus, a felony assault charge against a Wayne County sheriff deputy.  No wonder the Motor City has such a bad rep when even the freakin' mayor is a thug…

PLENTY OF GOOD SEATS STILL AVAILABLE…
There was a whopping throng of less than 600 people in the stands on Wednesday for the Florida Marlins home game vs. the Atlanta Braves—not exactly a ringing endorsement for a team trying to get the Sunshine State to build them a new stadium.  According to some folks on the ‘net, it was so quiet in the stands when Braves manager Bobby Cox came out to argue a call with the ump, that the entire exchange could clearly be heard on the Atlanta radio broadcast.  Part of the blame for the low attendance is the beastly hot weather for a game that easily could’ve been scheduled at night instead of as a "getaway" day game for both teams, especially considering the Marlins had the next day off altogether, and the Braves only had to "get away" back to Atlanta, which is about an hour flight from Miami.

And it’s not like the Marlins are a terrible team, either—they were still in the race until about three weeks ago.  No offense to the good folks down that way, but I’m beginning to think the state of Florida should’ve remained strictly a Spring Training baseball site, given the poor attendance at both Marlins and Tampa Bay Rays games.  Granted it doesn’t help that the Marlins are trying to play baseball in a football stadium and the Rays play in a dismal dome, but that’s no excuse for such low attendance when they at least have competitive teams on the field.

THAT’S THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH?
I’m very unimpressed with the uninspired nickname created by the new Oklahoma City NBA franchise—"Thunder".  Boring!  Thunder sounds so minor-league to me, for some reason—how about something a little more unique like the Oklahoma City Microburst?  I was also kinda hoping they might revive the name of an old soccer team OKC used to have that I thought was pretty clever—the Oklahoma City Slickers...

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #93
"Guitar Man"—JERRY REED (1968)  "I led a four-piece band of jammers…"  I was reminded of this one the other day while listening to Jerry’s Best-Of CD.  Unaware back when I was a kid of what jamming meant, I thought Jerry sang, "a four-piece band in jammies."

MY FEARLESS FOOTBALL FORECAST
I’m going with my head instead of my heart this year, thus I’m picking the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl this season.  I have them playing the Colts in a re-match of SB V, and I see the mighty Patriots faltering a bit this season—they can’t keep it up forever.

In a related front, I pulled a Favre and decided to come out of retirement and play fantasy football again this year after all.  My draft went well, as I got Tom Brady as my QB and the entire Patriots defense, and guess who New England plays first—the Kansas City Chefs.  Loooooking goooood!

THE ORIGINAL SAM'S CLUB
My good friend Stacy—1,800 miles away in Seattle—sent me a nice little piece of Raytown nostalgia last night of an old department store I practically grew up in, Sam's Bargain Town.  The place was located about four blocks from my mom and dad's house on 350 Hiway (the main drag in Raytown), and I used to hoof it up there all the time when I was a kid.  I bought my first Kiss album there—Kiss Alive! for a whopping $6.38.  In fact, much of my early record collection was purchased there—and sometimes shoplifted before I knew better!  My brother even worked at Sam's part-time when he was in high school and my mom and sister used to work right across the parking lot at an old-school burger joint on the corner called White's Drive-In—I'd give my left nut to time-travel back there for just one more double cheeseburger and a big ice cream cone.  I even used to hit tennis balls off the side of the Sam's building in the empty parking lot all the time—great memories...

It's ironic with a name like Sam's that as soon as the Wal-Mart in Raytown opened in 1987, that was the beginning of the end for our Sam's, as they couldn't compete with the Evil Empire and closed a couple years later.  The building was demolished in the mid-'90s to make way for a new strip mall.  The old Sam's pharmacy still operates about half a mile up the road at an Apple Market grocery store.  The other Sam's store (long since closed) on Truman Road—pictured here circa. the late '70s—still sits in the 'Hood on Truman Road, but has gone through numerous encarnations over the years.

You can read all about Sam's and other old-school retail stores on this dandy website.  Now here's the funny part—I'd visited that same website before last night, and didn't realize it!  I pirated the TG&Y pics for a previous blog entry on this very same subject a few months back and didn't even notice the Sam's photos up top—go figure.  Mucho appreciation, Stacy, for taking my memory for a nice little jog—you made my week!