I don't care if your legs start achin'...

...I'm a California Man—Not! But at least I've been there...

RIGHTEOUS BUCKS
It seems that the Republican National Committee hath spent over $150,000 on Sarah Palin’s wardrobe and other “campaign accessories” since she became John McCain’s bitch—I mean, running mate.  This included 75 grand at a Nieman-Marcus in the Twin Cities, nearly 42 grand at another one in St. Louis and $4,100 for “makeup and hair consulting.”  And these people have the nerve to call themselves conservatives?

Now I realize that the options for different styles might be a tad limited back home in Moose Twit, Alaska (they don’t even have a Wal-Mart up there yet, do they?), but surely Ms. Winky-Dink already had some nice threads of her own, being a politician and all.  Apparently $150,000 must not buy much these days, because some of the stuff I’ve seen her wear looks like K-Mart blue-light specials to me.  And four grand for makeup and hair?  The woman’s in her mid-40s and doesn’t know how to do her makeup by now?  And how much tutoring does a woman require to learn how to wad her hair up in a scrunchie (sp?) and call it hairstyle?  What a fucking waste of money…

The GOP claims that the clothes will eventually be donated to charity.  Yeah, right—I’ll believe that on the day Ted Nugent does a cover version of “It’s Hard To Be Humble”…

COUNTING THE DAYS…
Hang in there, kids, this interminable election campaign is almost over, thankfully.  Doesn’t it seem like it’s gone on for like three years, or what?  Some states are allowing early voting now, which I think is a step in the right direction, but I’d like to see more changes on how we elect a President.  First off, this Electoral College thing should’ve been scrapped ages ago.  The U.S. was a much different country and not even a quarter of the size it is now when the EC was conceived, and there was a time when it served a purpose, but now it’s as obsolete as Big Band Music and Edsels.  I find it inconceivable in our modern-day world that a candidate can win the Popular Vote, yet not be elected President.

Another thing that’s always bugged me—why do we always hold elections on a weekday when most people are working?  Why can’t the polls stay open later in the evening (until say, 10:00) when people have more free time?  Better yet, why not conduct elections on Saturdays (or even entire weekends) when most everybody can get out and there would be no more excuses for not voting?

YEAH, THAT’LL FIX HIM, ALRIGHT!
This week, local K.C. radio sports talk hack Neal Jones is encouraging his listeners to all wear green t-shirts to the next Chefs home game that read “FIRE CARL” (in reference to GM Carl Peterson).  Sure, that’ll really get the message across and turn the team around.  His rationale is if the shirts are green and have no Chiefs logos or profanity on them, they’ll stand out and the Thought Police at Arrowhead can’t possibly ask the fans to remove them.  Okey-fine…

I have a slightly more devious idea that would be infinitely more effective—encourage people to cease renewing their season tickets with the Chefs!  A near-empty stadium on opening day, 2009 would speak louder than a bunch of crappy t-shirts ever could.  If I were a Chiefs season ticket holder, I wouldn’t spend another dime on this team until owner Clark Hunt cleans house in the front office and the coaching staff.

HERMSPEAK
Check out the following quote from Chefs head coach Herm Edwards yesterday regarding perpetual dumbass running back Larry Johnson:

"Decisions of all that will take place when it has to be made...I don't have to make a decision on who's starting, not starting.  That's kind of where that's at.  Whatever I do, hopefully I think you know me by now, people know me by now, I'm going to do the right thing for the football team.  That's where it stands with me."

I have never seen anyone who can use so many words and not say a damn thing quite like Herm can.  He’s sort of a hybrid of a politician and an evangelist.  I’ve tried giving Edwards the benefit of the doubt, but his shuck-and-jive routine with the media is wearing really thin on me, and I find it hard to believe he really means half the stuff he says anymore.  I’m ready for the Bill Cowher era to begin in Kansas City ASAP…

And the cloud over Arrowhead Stadium grows darker by the day, as today the Chefs had to put QB Damon Huard on the Injured Reserve list in addition to starter Brodie Croyle, who we already knew was out for the year.  I'd volunteer to help out at the QB situation, but I'm afraid I'd look like Peter Griffin trying to elude those defensive tackles.  The Chefs' mascot, K.C. Wolf, may well have to suit up on Sunday.

As for Johnson, it’s pretty obvious that he’s on the verge of becoming another Pacman Jones, as this latest incident involving him spitting his drink all over some gal at a local nightclub is becoming a trend—like four times in the last five years he's been accused of doing something uncouth with a woman at a bar late at night.  He got up in front of the media and gave some half-hearted apology to the team and the fans today, but I didn't buy any of it.  LJ needs to quit hanging out with his buddy Jay-Z and his homey entourage and stay home a little more and read his playbook, methinks.  With the economy being what it is today, it’s now even more galling to see talented athletes like Jones and Johnson piss their money and careers away that others would give their left nuts to have.

REGRETS, HE’S HAD A FEW…
Speaking of talented athletes who pissed their money and career away, the poster child for that movement, Jose Canseco, admitted on A&E Monday that maybe he shouldn’t have written that tell-all book about steroid usage in baseball because now everybody’s mad at him.  Well, duh!  This guy was a whiner when he played, he was a whiner when he retired, and he’s an even bigger whiner now that he’s broke and can’t get it up anymore.  Cry me a friggin’ river, Jose…

BUH-BYE!
You won’t see me shedding any tears over this week’s passing of self-appointed fashion critic Mr. Blackwell.  Although some of the people this insufferable twit targeted with his verbal barbs deserved it (Madonna, Bjork, et al), many of them didn’t (Renee Zellweger, Meryl Streep, etc.), and I’ve never understood why he was so revered in Hollywood.  I always wanted to say to him, “Who asked you, anyway?”  Good riddance to an asshole, I say…

THAT CAT NAMED HERCULEZ!
Congrats to K.C. Wiz(ards) player Herculez Gomez for scoring his first goal with the team in their victory against San Jose on Saturday.  Good timing too, as it turned out to be a game-winner in what they call "extra time" in MLS that may well propel our local futbol team into the postseason.  Mamma Klump would be so proud—Herculez!  Herculez!  Herculez!

MY SERIES PROGNOSTICATION
I say Tampa Bay Rays in six games on the World Serious.  Or as football guru Mike Ditka called them the other day, the "Tampa Ray Bays"!  Nothing personal against the Phillies—they actually seem to have more talent on paper—but TB has been bucking the trend all season, so why pick against them now?  Should be a fun series, no matter what, and I like the fact that either a team who's never won it all or a team that's long overdue for a championship will prevail, not to mention that neither the Red Sox or Yankees are not involved.

A little historical tidbit for you—tonight will mark the first time a World Series game has ever been played in a former National Hockey League venue.  Easy to forget that Tropicana Field (aka Florida Suncoast Dome) was once home to the Tampa Bay Lightning back in the '90s when they used to draw crowds over 20,000 with alarming frequency when the place was known as the "Thunderdome".

TEARIN’ DOWN THE HOUSE…
Here's a shot of the ongoing demolition of New York’s Shea Stadium.  It’s literally standing room only at Flushing Meadow now…








And here's something you don't see every day—transporting oversized fruit from one ballpark to another!

Here comes Mr. Bill's blog...

Oh, noooooooo!

LEVI STUBBS, 1936-2008
Sad news on the music front with the passing Friday of Four Tops lead singer Levi Stubbs.  Levi had one of the more distinctive voices in Pop music, and although he was accused of over-emoting at times, Stubbs put such classics as "Reach Out...I'll Be There", "Bernadette" and "Standing In The Shadows Of Love" over the top with his peerless vocals.  Sadly, Levi was forced to retire about eight years ago because of declining health with strokes and cancer.  He was also known as the voice of "Audrey II" in the 1986 Steve Martin film Little Shop of Horrors.  Rest in peace, Levi...

NEAL HEFTI, 1922-2008
Similar to the late Earle Hagen, who passed away a few months back, you may not know the name, but you know of this man's work if you watched TV at all in the '60s and '70s.  Neal Hefti was a jazz musician/composer who came up with two of the most distinctive TV show themes of all-time, "Batman" and "The Odd Couple".  Hefti passed away last weekend of natural causes.

MIKE LIVINGSTON, WHERE ARE YOU?!?
As I type, I am watching what is becoming a weekly Sunday ritual around these parts as el Chiefos are being stomped by the Tennessee Titans at the 'Head, during which K.C.'s "quarterback of the future"—one Brodie Croyle—went out of the season with a knee injury in the first half.  Back-up Damon Huard is now out with a hand injury as well.  Somebody get Steve DeBerg, Steve Fuller or Bill Kenney on the phone right away!  Joe Montana's not doing anything these days, is he?  Even Todd Blackledge or (gulp!) Steve Bono would be a step in the right direction.  If nothing else, the Chefs are turning the "three-and-out" into an art form this season.  That's okay, though—I picked up the Titans defense, as well as their kicker for my fantasy team this week.

Btw, John, my good friend, if I'm still being too cynical for you and it irritates you that much, then don't read my blog anymore—I'm cynical, therefore for I am...

M.U. = P.U.!
Sad to say, but the Missouri Tigers just can't get quite over the hump—as I've feared—and got smoked by Texas last night 56-31 in Austin.  It was 35-0 at halftime and Missouri looked like—hate to say this—the Chefs.  Kansas looked no better against Oklahoma in Norman yesterday, either.

GET A NEW RUG, ST. LOUIE!
I was rather bemused while watching the highlights of the Cowboys-Rams game today in St. Lou at how ugly their FieldTurf playing surface is at the Ram Dome.  I haven't seen anything this hideous since the "Jungle Room" at Graceland.  Watch "SportsCenter" on ESPN tonight and you'll see what I mean...

HEIDI-HEIDI HO!
Interesting match-up in the NFL today as the New York Jets travel to Oakland to play the Raiders in the almost-40th anniversary of the famed "Heidi Game" of 1968.  For the uninitiated, on November 17, 1968, the Jets and Raiders played a very exciting game that New York was on the verge of winning 32-29 with 1:06 remaining on the clock, but some crazy shit happened during the final 66 seconds, and the Raiders won the game 43-32, but most of the nation didn't get to see the end of the game because NBC cut away to its regularly-scheduled broadcast of the childrens' show "Heidi" at 7PM, Eastern time.  Irate viewers blew out the switchboards in Gotham City, and because of the tumult this thing caused, the networks haven't cut away from football broadcasts (or those of any other sport) until their conclusion since.  What I find cool about this game today is it's being played on the same field and both team's uniforms are virtually identical to those worn in 1968.  Too bad Joe Namath and Daryle Lamonica can't still suit up...

The funniest story I ever heard about this game was when Jets coach Weeb Ewbank received a postgame phone call in the locker room from his wife, congratulating him on his "victory", to which he responded, "What the hell you talking about?  We lost the #^%&*@@~ game!"

IT'S A GAS, GAS, GAS!
When I returned from California back in late August, gas was still priced at around $3.66 a gallon in the K.C. area.  Today, not even two months later, you can fill up for $2.35 a gallon!  That's a difference of $1.31 a gallon in less in barely seven weeks.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, but something ain't right here.  Why did the price of gas ever have to be that high in the first place?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #99
"Success Story"—THE WHO (1975)  "I'm your fairy manager...you shall play at Carnegie Hall!"  I had trouble making out what the mighty Ox said here during his little spoken passage.  I thought he said, "I'm you film manager—you shall play a comic role..."  Big Johnnie Twinkle was a little hard to understand at times...

HYPOCRISY, 101
Very disgusted on this end to hear that the new AC/DC album due out Tuesday will only be available only at your local Wal-Mart store for two reasons:  A) That AC/DC is following the lead of The Eagles in succumbing to this corporate bullshit in the first place, and B) that Wally-World would even want to be involved in promoting a heavy metal act in their ultra-conservative/über-Christian marketplace.  After all, these are the same people who banned those veritable heathens Judas Priest from their music shelves not so long ago, and would only dare to stock anything as edgy as the New Christy Minstrels, Donny Osmond, John Denver and Yanni.  Hell, even the Partridge Family and ABBA would've been deemed too satanic for these sanctimonious pussies back in the day.  A pox on both entities here...

DOMO ARIGATO? NO THANKS, MR. ROBOTO!
After reading Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo's biography, I decided to rent the Styx concert DVD Caught Live In The Act from 1984 that chronicled the 1983 Kilroy Was Here tour.  After 25 years, I'd forgotten how truly heinous this thing was!  Looking back now, I think I was pretty kind to this debacle in my review of this show in "Concert Trek - Episode 5"--upon further review, it was worse that I remembered with the stilted dialogue and hackneyed acting.  I have no doubt that Panozzo and guitarists Tommy Shaw and James "J.Y." Young just cringe when they watch this abomination today.  In his book, CP admitted that he would just sit quietly with his bass offstage and not even watch the first ten minutes of the show while Shaw and Dennis DeYoung hammed it up for the audience.  DeYoung's Broadway-style theater elements were definitely not a good mix at all, and it's no mystery as to why this once-mighty band fell apart not soon afterwards.  The DVD wasn't totally wretched, though—it also includes nearly all of Styx's music videos from the '70s and '80s (some of which are quite good) as a bonus feature, which I found far more entertaining that the feature presentation.

La-La-La-La means...

…I forgot the words!

Sorry, couldn’t resist a little pun on the classic Delfonics hit from 1969—about as smooth as they get, too!

I REMEMBER WHEN ROCK WAS YOUNG…
…and that seems an eternity ago now.  I saw by the paper today that the Steve Miller Band is scheduled to play a show on New Year’s Eve at the Pavilion at John Knox Village in nearby Lee’s Summit.  Sounds like a swingin’ concert venue, right?  Guess again—John Knox is a retirement village!  Now I realize that Steve Miller just turned 65 himself a couple weeks ago, but Rock ‘N’ Roll in an old-folks’ home?!?  I’m not sure which is more warped about this, the venue or that they have the chutzpah to charge $60 a head to get in for a guy who hasn’t put out a decent record in over 20 years.  They also say .38 Special is playing the Pavilion in February for 40 bucks a pop.  Wouldn’t $38 tickets be more appropo for the occasion?

LIVING IN THE PAST
There’s yet another Kiss CD box set due out this week, called Kiss Ikons.  One box set wasn’t enough?  This time, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley have contrived to put out this four-disc, 60-song compilation with each disc featuring one original band member’s vocals exclusively—i.e. a Gene disc, a Paul disc, et al.  Even Peter Criss gets a full-fledged disc here.  Jeez, you can only repackage the band’s music so many ways, dude.  I’m reminded of how the record company milked the late Jim Croce’s music catalog to death by first putting out a best-of album Photographs & Memories, then followed it up with Jim Croce’s Greatest Character Songs and Jim Croce’s Greatest Hits that Start With The Letter R, et al.  Pretty warped, considering the man only put out three full studio albums in the first place…

And so it goes with Kiss.  This continual rehash of old Kiss material only serves to alienate long-time fans like me—how’s about a NEW Kiss album, Gene?  No way in hell we’ll ever get a new record out of the original lineup with Ace and Peter, but I wouldn’t mind hearing what Kiss would sound like in the studio with Tommy Thayer and Eric Singer on some new material.  Stanley at least still writes and records songs, having released a solo album two years ago that wasn’t half-bad, but Gene is apparently content to rest on his laurels (and his fat ass) and continue mining the past, which unfortunately is very finite.  It isn’t just Kiss who practices this—it seems like just about every Classic Rock act suddenly lost their creativity in the early ‘90s and they don’t even try to produce anything new and meaningful now.  Why is this?  I’ve posed this question before here, but has Rock ‘N’ Roll truly run out of things to say?  As much as I loathe the music of John Cougar Bandcamp, I at least give him credit for continuing to give his fans some new stuff now and then.

TRULY SATANIC
Tonight on the hockey docket:  New Jersey at Atlanta.  This means tomorrow we can honestly say "The Devils went down to Georgia…"  As you may or may not know, the New Jersey Devils are my favorite NHL squad, and I’ve always thought us fans should be called the "Devils’ Advocates"…

MORE RANCOR AT ARROWHEAD
The Chefs tried and failed to trade disgruntled tight end Tony Gonzalez this week after he asked the team to deal him to a contender.  Can’t say I blame him, really—this team is going nowhere fast, and apparently owner Clark Hunt has no intention of cleaning house in the front office and/or coaching staff anytime soon.  Meantime, running back Larry Johnson has been accused of being a dumbass again over some shoving incident with a woman at a bar last February.  I’m surprised the Chefs aren’t on some sort of TV reality show by now…

By the way, does anyone out there know why ESPN’s Chris Berman always calls Larry Johnson "Grandmamma"?  I understand Boomer’s penchant for nicknaming every player, but the only Grandmamma I can think of in popular culture was on "The Addams Family", and she bore no resemblance to LJ.

THANK YOU, PHILLIES!
For making it to the World Series.  I don’t think I could take the whole Manny Ramirez vs. Boston soap opera that Fox Sports was hoping for.  Looks like the Red Sox may not even make it to the Show themselves either.  Fine by me, as I always like to see a new match-up in the Series, especially involving a team that hasn't won it or even been in it before.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #98
"Good Lovin’ Gone Bad"—BAD COMPANY (1976)  "And when I say 'it's over, that’s it--I’m gonna quit!'"  Paul Rodgers confused me by sounding indecisive here:  "That’s IF I’m gonna quit."

THE BLUEBIRD OF LAMENESS
Apparently Missouri can’t "Show Me" any more creative car tags for 2008-09, so we’re stuck with these beyond dull models.  And why is the state bird of Missouri a Bluebird?  In all of my 44 years living in this state, I have yet to see an actual live Bluebird in the flesh.  I’m not even sure if Bluebirds are indigenous to this region.  Hell, the state bird of Mo. oughtta be the Grackle!  I have a yard full of these buggers every Spring…


MORE CHILDHOOD DELUSIONS SHATTERED…
I hear that actress Maureen McCormick is releasing a tell-all bio on herself, and I’m not sure I want to read it or not.  I imagine she tarted up her story quite a bit in order to sell more books, but from the sounds of it, she wasn’t as sweet and innocent as we all thought, and led a fairly sordid off-screen life away from Chez Brady.  Oh, Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

ONE ACROSS YOUR LIPS!
To Hollywood’s continual lack of creativity, as it seems there were plans in place for a "Sanford & Son" big-screen film sometime next year.  That plan was scuttled by the untimely death of comedian Bernie Mac, as evidently he was going to play Fred before he wound up having his own "Big One" (of sorts) for real back in August.  Bad ideas seem to fly around Tinsel Town these days like chairs at a taping of "Geraldo"…

ALL THAT JAZZ
I've added a new link for your entertainment call "Jazz From Hell".  No, it's not a site about Kenny G or John Tesh, but rather a cool blog my friend Stacy turned me on to that has some pretty good political commentary.  The guy reminds me of me at times...

First Class, A-#1 American Crappola at its finest

The following is a good example of what the late George Carlin would call a "real bullshit story".  It’s also a glaring example of one of the big downsides to our Internet society.  It’s an e-mail that a good friend of mine passed along to me that someone had forwarded to him and countless other people out there who now believe its contents as the gospel truth.  Too bad it’s a total pack of lies…

[NOTE: I didn’t alter any of the text, but I did clean up the author’s abominable punctuation!]

Perhaps there are SOME out there who are beginning to get "the picture".  The following is a narrative taken from Sunday Morning's televised "'Meet The Press" and the author is employed by none other than the Washington Post!!  Yeah......the Washington Post of New York and Los Angeles Times fame!!  Must say that I'm dually impressed..................

From Sunday's Televised "Meet the Press", Senator Obama was asked about his stance on the American Flag. [Obama Explains National Anthem Stance Sun, 07 Sept. 2008 11:48:04 EST], General Bill Ginn' USAF (ret.) asked Obama to explain why he doesn't follow protocol when the National Anthem is played.  The General also stated to the Senator that according to the United States Code, Title 36, Chapter 10, Sec. 171...  During rendition of the national anthem when the flag is displayed, all present except those in uniform are expected to stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart.  At the very least, "Stand and Face It."Senator Obama Live on Sunday states, "As I've said about the flag pin, I don't want to be perceived as taking sides," Obama said. "There are a lot of people in the world to whom the American flag is a symbol of oppression.  And the anthem itself conveys a war-like message.  You know, the ‘bombs bursting in air’ and all.  It should be swapped for something less parochial and less bellicose.  I like the song "I'd Like To Teach the World To Sing." If that were our anthem, then I might salute it.  We should consider to reinvent our National Anthem as well as to redesign our Flag to better offer our enemies hope and love.  It's my intention, if elected, to disarm America to the level of acceptance to our Middle East Brethren.  If we as a nation of warring people, should conduct ourselves as the nations of Islam, whereas peace prevails.  Perhaps a state or period of mutual concord between our governments.  When I become President, I will seek a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity, and a freedom from disquieting oppressive thoughts.  We as a Nation have placed upon the nations of Islam an unfair injustice.  My wife disrespects the Flag for many personal reasons.  Together she and I have attended several flag burning ceremonies in the past, many years ago.  She has her views and I have mine.  Of course now, I have found myself about to become the President of the United States and I have put aside my hatred.  I will use my power to bring CHANGE to this Nation, and offer the people a new path of hope.  My wife and I look forward to becoming our Country's First Family.  Indeed, CHANGE is about to overwhelm the United States of America."

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you heard it right.  This could possibly be our next President. I, for one, am speechless.

I, too, would be speechless—if I actually believed this steaming pile of pigeon pellets!

There’s just one little problem with the above spiel—Sen. Obama never made these remarks!  A quick check of the "Meet The Press" transcripts (which can easily be found on msnbc.com) proves that neither Obama or this General Ginn character appeared on the show on September 7th.  Joltin’ Joe Biden was Tom Brokaw’s sole guest on that day, and even if Obama was indeed on the program, what the hell would this Ginn goomer be doing asking the questions?  That’s Brokaw’s (and formerly the late Tim Russert’s) job.  The cats over at snopes.com also shed plenty of light on this malarkey to explain how it got circulated in the first place.

Does anyone in their right mind think that Obama would really be THAT colossally stupid to make those remarks two months prior to the election?  It would be political suicide!  And even if he did say this crap, don’t you think the conservative media mongooses (mongeese?) like Bill O’Retard, Rush Limburger, Sean Calamity, (D)Ann Coulter, Michelle "Squawkin’" Malkin, et al, would’ve been all over this like flies on shit?  It’s all you would’ve heard on the nightly news for a freakin’ month!  Even if you despise Barack Obama with all your heart, you have to admit that this kind of deliberate misinformation that preys upon people’s biases and prejudices is downright irresponsible.  If you don’t like Obama (or any candidate, for that matter), then fine, but don’t just make up stuff to convince people not to vote for him!

Naturally, many of the recipients of e-mails like these WANT this stuff to be true so they can use it to justify their bias against on Obama instead of (or in addition to) just their usual hang-ups and/or ignorance in regards to him.  Shit, whoever wrote this thing could’ve claimed that Barack Obama also farts fire, owns white female teenage slaves and intends to appoint Michael Jackson as his Secretary of State if he’s elected, and they’d friggin’ believe it!  The Internet is a wonderful thing, but it can be a double-edged sword that allows misguided cretins to hide behind their computers and screen names, and I find it pathetic that so many people (including my friend) all too often base their political opinions on an e-mail originated by some schmuck that they probably never even met before passes along to them without even checking the facts.

As for the lapel pin thing, I covered this several months ago on here—I don’t give a damn if a candidate wears a flag pin on his lapel or a carnation that squirts water!  I wanna know what they plan to do to lead us out of the abyss we find ourselves in.  And as for the "Star Spangled Banner", I personally think it’s a stupid song—the melody is atrocious and it’s difficult for even trained professionals to sing, and like it or not, all you conservatives, it DOES make us sound like a bunch of war mongers to other nations.  I’ve long felt that "America The Beautiful" or "My Country ‘Tis of Thee" should be our National Anthem anyway—they’re much prettier songs in much the same vein as "Oh, Canada".  Then again, given the current state of our nation, perhaps "I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones might be more appropriate.  But, I digress…

Getting back to the e-mail thing, sadly this kind of stuff also fosters hateful crap like this that our good friend Dr. Sardonicus posted over on his blog.  What sucks the most is there ain’t a damn thing we can do about it until people wise up and get educated about what’s what and who’s who.  I do give John McCain credit for attempting to muzzle some of his own followers who accuse Obama of being a terrorist.  Far too late to gain my vote at this point, but it goes to show he at least has some class and isn’t totally wretched.  So why does he continue to allow his own running mate, Ms. Winky Dink, to essentially do the same thing at her recent campaign stops?

And the band played on…

Well said!

I generally try not to pirate that which others have written, but a very recent letter on the op-ed page of the K.C. Star by Herman Kirkpatrick of Leawood, KS caught my eye, so I want to share it here in light blue (with my commentary in off-white)...

Writers, please:

• Stop putting "super" in front of the words model, star and athlete.
• Stop writing "I, for one," since you are never more than one.
• Stop using the word "hero" to describe every person in uniform.  It cheapens the word.  "Hero" should never be used when describing an athlete. [With the possible exceptions of the late Pat Tillman and Roberto Clemente]
• News networks, stop obsessing for days over one issue to the exclusion of other significant issues.  [This means YOU, Nancy Grace!]
• Stop the redundant bashing of President Bush.  It has already been said thousands of times, and is adequately recorded.  [Sorry, but sometimes I just can't help myself!]
• Stop thinking that your choice for president will change everything.
• Stop worrying about what the Europeans think.  They want to love us.
• Try to be more objective.  There is plenty of blame to share.
• Take more responsibility for yourself.  The government can't guarantee your happiness.
• TV stations, please stop multiple pictures, scrolls, and all that.  Cool it with the "breaking news" bit.  [This means YOU, Faux News Channel, ESPN, CNN, KCTV-5 in Kansas City, et al]
• Stop putting the suffix "gate" behind every scandal.  This is so camp.  [Amen, brother!]

And if may add, please 86 this whole "Wall Street/Main Street" garbage!  My town doesn't even have a Main Street, and I'm on 77th Terrace!

Right--You're Bloggy Well Right!

GOIN’ TO HELL IN A HANDBAG, ARE WE?
Amazing thing, this economic meltdown is, ain’t it?  For the first time in my life, I actually now give a shit about the Dow Jones Industrial Average on a daily basis, and after following it throughout the day at work all week, I have to ask—how/why is it we (as a nation) put our economic well-being in the hands of a bunch of Wall St. bloodsuckers?  After all, isn’t the stock market basically a form of legalized high-stakes gambling?  I have no doubt Mr. Spock would find this whole thing “most illogical.”  I hope the experts are right in that this period of volatility will probably subside after the election—if we make it that far before Great Depression, Part Deux, that is…

THE FACE OF AMERICAN POLITICS TODAY…
McCain/Palin supporters had their collective panties in a wad this week over Palin’s extreme (and un-retouched) close-up cover photo on this week’s Newsleak, er uh, Newsweek all because it showed off all her flaws.  “This cover is a clear slap in the face at Sarah Palin,” a Republican political commentator told Fox News.  “Why?  Because it’s unretouched.  It highlights every imperfection that every human being has.  We’re talking unwanted facial hair, pores, wrinkles.”

As usual, the Republicans only care about what shows, rather than the actual issues, thus their desperate attempt to divert voters’ attention—no wonder McCain is rapidly losing ground in this race.  Their crass gambit of trying to link Obama with terrorists smacks of desperation too.  As for close-up photos, I don’t see where Newsweek or Time tried to airbrush that big mole next to Obama’s nose on previous covers either, so gosh darn it, maybe next time Ms. Winky-Dink might wanna whip out her Lady Schick and rid herself of those unwanted facial hairs before her photo shoot!  As for wrinkles, this woman is 44 years old—she should have friggin' wrinkles!  Hell, I'm 44 and I have wrinkles...

By the way, I think Sarah Palin looks kinda French, don't you?

A GREAT READ
Just finished reading the very interesting autobiography of Styx bassist Chuck Panozzo entitled The Grand Illusion—Love, Lies and My Life with Styx.  Chuck was ironically my least favorite member of Styx during their heyday, although he’s a decent bass player—I’d put him in the category of "serviceable" with the likes of Van Halen-ex Michael Anthony and U2’s Adam Clayton.  However, I’ve learned a new respect for CP after reading his dual-purpose chronicle which not only tells the history and internal strife of the band (including his late twin brother John‘s downward spiral with alcoholism), but Chuck’s struggles with his sexuality and battle with HIV/AIDS that ultimately led to his coming out as being gay in 2001.  My reaction to the latter revelation was “kinda figured”, not unlike when I heard the same about the late Freddie Mercury.  Ironically, on the day of my first Styx concert in 1981, my old man said to me, "Styx?!?  Isn't that one of those queer groups?"  Uhhh, not exactly, Dad...

As for the band, it seems that the internal squabbles more or less started about the time of the album Cornerstone when Dennis DeYoung insisted on including his treacle-ly ballad “Babe”, which subsequently became a #1 hit (naturally, it would), further fueling DeYoung’s already burgeoning ego.  I’ve tried to give DDY the benefit of the doubt over the years, as I think he’s a great songwriter—in spite of authoring the inane line, “You are here/So am I (ya think?), the weather‘s quite divine” from “Light Up”.  He’s an outstanding keyboardist to boot, but it appears Dennis is the main culprit as breaker-upper of the original group in 1984.  His grandiose Broadway-style musical leanings that led to the dreaded 1983 Kilroy debacle chafed everyone else’s hineys and even after a couple of semi-successful reunions in the ‘90s, guitarists Tommy Shaw and James Young got fed up with DeYoung and moved on without him, replacing him with kinda-sorta sound-alike keyboardist Lawrence Gowan.  I used to think it was a situation where both sides were wrong and that it was all a lot of petty B.S., but now I see Tommy’s and JY’s point:  Sorry, Dennis, but Styx is a Rock band, not a Cabaret act, so get over it, Mr. Robert Orin Charles Kilroy!  Excellent book…

PLEASE, LET'S NOT "COME ON, GET HAPPY" AGAIN!
I heard this week that NBC is developing a new version of “The Partridge Family”.  They’re treading on sacred ground here, but apparently this time instead of the kids recruiting Mom to form a musical group in the garage, Mom will be the protagonist trying to make a quick buck or two off her offspring à la Miley Cyrus, et al.  Three cheers for originality, huh?

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #97
“Hotel California”—THE EAGLES (1977)  “Her mind is Tiffany-twisted—she got the Mercedes-Benz…”  Thirty-one years after its release, I just realized yesterday that Don Henley wasn’t singing “Her mind is definitely twisted…”

THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF—LITERALLY!
My trusty 13-year-old Briggs & Stratton lawn mower is sadly showing its age, as the right front wheel literally fell off of it this morning as I mowed the back 40.  The body frame of the mower developed a crack between the bolt holes after years of wear and tear, and the wheel literally tore part of the frame off with it.  Undaunted, I finished the job on three wheels anyway!  Hate to have to replace this rascal, because the mighty B&S motor still runs like a Deere.  Hard to believe I only paid a c-note for this mower brand new in 1996—easily the best $100 I ever spent.

GETTIN’ PRETTY SQUIRRELY!
A contributing factor in my mower’s demise could well be the large burial mounds created by this little bastard squirrel that I’ve had to navigate over during the last week.  He’s been stashing his nuts away for winter, and I’m going to string this little douche-bag up by his nuts, if I ever catch him, as he’s made my yard look like downtown Beirut.  Don’t be fooled by their cutesy appearance, folks—squirrels are just rats with fuzzy tails...

HOW WEIRD AM I?
Yours truly may well be the only person in the history of Netflix to have both the (original) Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Mary Poppins in his DVD queue at the same time!  I watched the latter last night for probably the first time since I was like, five.  I remembered the music from MP moreso than the film itself, and sad to say, it comes across mighty hokey some 40-odd years later.  Dick Van Dyke had no business trying to pull off a Cockney accent, either.  As for TCM, it’s even dumber than it was the first time I watched it 20 years ago.

Great new innovation!

I hope the folks at the GalleryOfTheAbsurd website don't mind me pirating this, but Gosh Darnit, it's too funny to sit on!

And it's so idiot-proof, even Dubya can use it—IF he'd remember to remove the lens caps!

 

Speaking of mooses, I know I've posted this before, but it's one of my favorite jokes of all time, so it's worth repeating...

Q: What's the difference between the Lawrence Welk Orchestra and a moose?

A: Well, for one thing, a moose has its horns in the front and its asshole in the rear...

Pay no attention to that blog behind the curtain...

JUST BEEN PLAYIN' POSSUM HERE
My apologies for not having posted anything this week, but I think I'm going through what all bloggers experience from time to time—a case of blogger's cramp.  I've had several things I've wanted to write about at length, but for whatever reason, I kinda hit the wall this week and didn't feel inspired to create anything.  I've been in a bit of a funk too, mostly over a good friend's misfortune (see below) and this whole economy crisis and such, therefore I've been running on radio silence this week.

HANG IN THERE, JIM...
On a serious note, I want to send out long-distance best wishes to a friend of mine/fellow traveler who is going through an especially rough year.  He lost his brother in a car accident back in the spring, and last weekend his 25-year-old son was badly injured in a dune buggy accident in Oregon in which he lost his left leg below the knee.  Much worse, Jim's sister's fiance and 19-year-old daughter from a previous marriage were killed in the same accident, when their sand rail collided head-on with another sand rail being driven by some stupid drunk fuck in a locale that apparently has a history of this type of accident—what a needless, senseless (and avoidable) tragedy.

Jim, my friend, I don't know what to say—you and your family sure don't deserve this.  My thoughts are with you, man. I hope Phillip is able to recover and get on with his life...

THANK YOU, DETROIT...
...for losing that make-up game with the White Sox on Monday, thus enabling the Royals to finish out of last place for a change.  Weren't the Tigers 'sposed to be good this year?!?

I STILL DON'T BELIEVE IN CURSES!
But I'm at a loss to explain why the Chicago Cubs are trying desperately to repeat last year's three-and-out playoff series, as the Dodgers swept the first two games at Wrigley Field.  Perhaps the Cubs should've lobbied Commish Bud Selig to move their home games to Miller Park in Milwaukee...

PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!—PART I
For the second straight year, innocent baseball viewers are being subjected to a barrage of promos between innings on TBS for "Frank TV", starring mildly-humorous-at-best impressionist Frank Caliendo during the playoffs.  Caliendo himself apologized last year on ESPN's "Mike & Mike In The Morning" radio show for the way TBS force-fed him to us, and yet they're doing it again.  Don't they have anything else to plug on TBS, like some "Friends" reruns or something?  Oy!

PLEASE MAKE THEM STOP!!—PART II
Shame on DirecTV and actor Craig T. Nelson for these new ads that feature the late Heather O'Rourke doing her "They're here..." bit from Poltergeist.  These commercials creep me out in much the same way as did those Orville Reddenbacher popcorn ads they put out a couple years ago—even though he'd been long-since deceased.  Wrong!  Wrong!  Wrong!

DUDE, YER GETTIN' A CELL!
Congratulations to Orenthal James Simpson for finally getting his sorry-ass thrown in jail (probably for good) after being convicted for being a dumbass and assaulting people with deadly weapons, kidnapping and such.  I guess this means O.J.'s search for the "real killers" is now permanently scrubbed...

O.J. AND HELIO DOWN BY THE JAILYARD?
Meantime, race car driver and "Dancing With The Stars" alum Helio Castroneves and his sister/agent are up on tax-evasion charges that go back about five years.  Exactly how dumb are you, Helio?

WHILE I'M AT IT...
Ted McGinley on "Dancing With The Stars"?!?  That's a contradiction in terms!  I'd sooner watch John C. McGinley hoofing it on that show—at least he actually stars on a TV show ("Scrubs"), rather than perennially playing some peripheral dork character.

WHO WERE THOSE GUYS...
...that impersonated an NFL franchise last Sunday at Arrowhead Stadium?  Those guys in the red uniforms must have been impostors, because they gave an inspired, not to mention, dominant effort against the Denver Broncos, winning 33-19.  Commish Roger Goodell should've launched an investigation immediately!

OVAH!
The last time the Missouri Tigers won a foosball game in Lincoln, Nebraska, I was a mere lad of 14 in the 9th grade at Raytown Junior High.  Thirty years later, that streak is about to end, unless the Cornhuskers rack up six TDs and a 2-point conversion in the 4th quarter and keep MU off the board—which ain't gonna happen.  Nice going, you Tiggers!

ATTENTION, CHIEFS, ATTENTION!
Might I suggest you draft Mizzou's Jeff Wolfert next year and solve your place-kicking woes?  The boy is good...

BRIAN HOLLAND, CORPORATE SHILL?
I received an e-mail the other day with the following offer:

I wanted to know if by any chance you would be interested in doing an unbiased review of our site on your blog.  If you agree you can choose between receiving a product sample or receiving a payment.  If you choose the product sample instead of the payment the sample is yours to keep and you don’t need to send it back. The product sample that you can get is Peloop - a penis enhancer...

Is that anything like Austin Powers' "Swedish-made penis enlarger--with male symbol"? Uhhh, no thanks, Peloop—I'm perfectly happy with my Li'l General as he is.  Besides, what the hell am I gonna say?  "After trying Peloop, my dick's three sizes larger now..."  Riiiight.

METHINKS I SEE A PATTERN HERE
I took a mini-road trip today over to Paola, KS to check out another eatery that's been profiled on Food Network's "Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives", a place called the BBQ Shack.  This is the fifth place I've visited that's been hyped on DD&D, and the fourth one I've been majorly underwhelmed by.  First off, the place is no longer even a shack, as they've recently relocated to a sterile strip mall, secondly, there wasn't anything special about their food and thirdly, I found the servers there to be rather rude.  In fact, their food gave me a rather nasty case of the Schaefers (diarrhea, to youse non-beer drinkers) a couple hours ago.

Of all the DD&D places I've visited so far, only Hodad's in San Diego was worth the visit to me.  Just a hunch, but if these places pay ol' Guy Fieri enough money, he'll say anything they want him to about how great their food allegedly is.  Fieri has visited three places right here in Kansas City that I've never even heard of before, and it seems to me that if they were really that good, I'd already know about them.

MY KIND OF PLACE!
Here's one Guy Fieri ain't been to yet!  A friend sent me these pics of a place in Arizona called the Heart Attack Grill.

















Click on this pic and check out the menu items!








And if you should require a little defibrillation, trained nurses are always on hand! It just so happens I'm thinking of taking a little vacation to the Valley of the Sun this coming February, so screw Hooters—I think I might pass by for a By-Pass burger!

Easy, Catman--they are serious!!

Bun E. Criss?!?  Now it can be told that once upon a time, circa. 1977, that Cheap Trick's Bun E. Carlos nearly replaced Peter Criss onstage when Kitty-Cat was having substance abuse problems.  Read all about it, here.  Clearly a case of Catman-don't!

Irritable Blog Syndrome

PAUL NEWMAN, 1925-2008
We lost another big name yesterday with the death of Hollywood legend Paul Newman.  The tabloids have been claiming for weeks that Newman was in ill health with cancer for quite some time, and for once they were evidently right.  I never much cared for his salad dressing, but the man was a damn fine actor, as evidenced by his ten Oscar nominations for Best Actor in films like The Sting, Cool Hand Luke, The Verdict, Road To Perdition and Color Of Money, the latter of which he won the Oscar for.  I may be a tad biased here, but beyond all those flicks, I think his finest performance was his portrayal of beleaguered and grizzled minor league hockey player/coach Reggie Dunlop in 1977's Slap Shot.  Damn funny movie, even if you don't like hockey.

Paul Newman was also very much into auto racing, and even raced competitively himself well into his '70s.  Even more impressive, he was married to the same woman for 50 years, Joanne Woodward, a Hollywood actress herself, no less.  Most celebrity marriages don't even last 50 days anymore, let alone 50 years.  R.I.P., Reggie... "Old time hockey! Eddie Shore!"

BIG MONEY...GOT NO SOUL!
"Sometimes pushing all the buttons/sometimes pulling out the plug..."

Man, Neil Peart of Rush was spot-on with that 1985 lyric...

Why has this whole economy thing come to all this bailout crappola?  It'd be one thing if one single cataclysmic event like 9/11, some big natural mega-disaster or invasion by the Russians or something was causing our current economic crisis, but good moogly-woogly, we're imploding on our own, thanks to a bunch of greedy Wall St. douches.  And why the fuck didn't we see this coming so we could head it off at the pass?  OR, is this whole thing just more fear-mongering on the part of the Bush Administration—one more for the road, eh Dubya?  I love how his own Republican cronies actually turned on him this week when the bailout thing was almost a done-deal.  It would be easy to blame Dubya for all this mess, and some of it is indeed his fault, but not all of it.  But, it did happen on his watch, and it seems like a fitting bookend to this absolute debacle and joke of a Presidential administration.

WANNA DREAM A LITTLE?
A friend of mine sent this to me via e-mail. Sounds logical enough to me...

I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.  Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U. S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.  So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.  So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.  My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.  Of course, it would NOT be tax free.  So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.  Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.  That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.  But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.  A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?  Pay off your mortgage—housing crisis solved.  Repay college loans—what a great boost to new grads.  Put away money for college—it'll be there.  Save in a bank—create money to lend to entrepreneurs.  Buy a new car—create jobs.  Invest in the market—capital drives growth.  Pay for your parent's medical insurance—health care improves.  Enable deadbeat Dads to come clean or else.

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back.  And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.  If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( vote buy ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.  If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!

As for AIG, liquidate it.  Sell off its parts.  Let American General go back to being American General.  Sell off the real estate.  Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.  Here's my rationale.  We deserve it and AIG doesn't.  Sure it's a crazy idea that can never work.  But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!  How do you spell Economic Boom?  I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion WeDeserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.  And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.  Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

And let me add—with everyone getting that kind of moolah, crime would probably decrease dramatically since there'd be less incentive to steal stuff.  The travel industry would be booming again because people could afford to go places more often.  Charities would also greatly benefit.  Now if we could do that with $85 billion, can you imagine what we could do with that $700 billion they're trying to bail the economy out with this weekend?  Shit, I could almost retire on that much money...

DEBATING THE DEBATE
I watched the entire Presidential debate last night between McCain and Obama, and I gave a very slight edge to Obama overall.  Barack didn't exactly blow me away, but Big John did precious little win me over, especially when he constantly interrupted Obama as he spoke.

TO THE SPOILERS GO THE VICTORIES
Check out our lowly Kansas City Royals this weekend, as they try to throw a wrench into the Minnesota Twins playoff plans.  Our suddenly-mighty Cornholios have been on a hot streak the last couple weeks, and won their 75th game today—a mark I wouldn't have bet the farm that they would reach about this time a month ago, given how awful the Royals played in August.  Luckily for the Twins, the White Sox have lost five in a row and still trail Minnesota by 1/2 a game.  Chicago has a game in hand on Minnesota, however, and might have to play Detroit on Monday to make-up for an earlier rainout.  Getting back to the Royals, if you take away the months of May and August, this would've been a pretty decent season, overall.  If they could just add a couple more decent bats to their lineup, they could be the Tampa Bay Rays of '09.

MOVIN' ON UP...
...without even playing!  That appears to be the scenario for the U. of Mizzou, whose foosball team is idle this week.  But, thanks to #1 USC losing on Thursday at Oregon State (yay, Beavers!), #3 Georgia losing to Alabama in their own house tonight and #4 Florida losing by one point today at the hands of Ole Miss in their own house, #6 Missouri is likely to move up in the rankings just in time for their showdown in Lincoln next Saturday against Nebraska.  Plenty of intrigue already, and we're only five weeks into the season...

NOOOO, NELLIE!
While I'm on college football, I heard something on the radio one morning this week that made me throw up in my mouth.  It was a commercial for that "Free" Credit Report.com bullshit featuring none other than legendary sportscaster/college football icon Keith Jackson.  Keith, buddy, your Gatorade spots were wonderful, but please tell me you aren't THAT hard-up for cash to have to resort to doing ads for this bogus outfit?  I think I'd just as soon hear you do endorsements for tampons or douches...

AREN'T WE REACHING A BIT?
This little nugget on the KissAsylum website made me chuckle today.  Seems there is now a Vinnie Vincent tribute CD entitled Kiss My Ankh!  It features remakes of Vincenzo's Kiss classics (all half-a-dozen of them) and some other stuff he wrote, all performed by a bunch of nobodies.  A Vinnie Vincent tribute CD is the equivalent of E! Entertainment doing a "True Hollywood Stories" segment on Jared from Subway or maybe that comedian who did the "You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay...but ya doesn't have to call me Johnson" shtick!

TOTAL NON-SEQUITOR HERE...
For no particular reason, I stumbled across the name of R&B singer CeCe Peniston today and quickly noticed that you can't spell Peniston without 'penis'!  I believe Peniston is Latin for "heavy dick"...

A LEFTOVER FROM MY TRIP
I meant to post this pic a while back and forgot about it.  This would be one of Rock music's more famous addresses, 2400 Fulton Street in San Francisco, better known as the Jefferson Airplane hangar, beginning in 1968.  The band lived, rehearsed and conducted business there, and Grace Slick often served as your friendly drug stewardess (get it, Airplane? Stewardess?) for a time.  I hoofed it around the adjoining neighborhood, which is just up the hill from Golden Gate Park, and it looked like a fine place for an LSD trip.  Timothy Leary's dead...

Oh no, they say he’s got to go…oh no, Blog-zilla!

WHAT I WAS DOING YESTERDAY
I generally try to post something every Saturday, but I was a tad busy yesterday replacing the siding on the back of my house with the help of my good friend Phil.  This pic shows the results of our nearly 11 hours of labor.  My legs and back are killing me today, but it was totally worth it to correct 30 years worth of jungle rot that had infected the woodwork underneath the shoddy aluminum siding that some yokels installed long before I ever owned the place.

In spite of all that, I kinda liked seeing the natural light beaming into my bathroom, and was tempted to install a window thereof, but I'm not sure if my neighbors to the north would've enjoyed seeing yours truly buck nekkid and full monty all the time, so I opted to go the conventional route and replace the walls.  Special thanks once again to Phil for sacrificing another Saturday to help me out. I owe you a veritable shitload of favors, my friend...

THOROUGHLY DIS-GUS-TING
As soon as I tuned in the Chefs-Falcons game today, I knew I was in for a long day.  It's a given that since K.C. and Atlanta are just one step above Pop Warner-level football, we viewers get stuck with Pop-Warner-level hacks like CBS' Gus Johnson, the Les Nessman of TV football announcers.  After he spouted the term "Hot-lanta" three times in a 15-minute span, I immediately hit the mute button on my TV and flipped on the Chefs' radio guys.  Get a real job, Gus...

While I'm at it, a memo to CBS' James Brown:  Lose the "Shan-NON" thing when referring to your tag-team partner Shannon Sharpe—you don't even sound Black when you do this shtick...

"PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS CHIEFS SHOULD STOP FOCUSING ON WINNING"
That's an actual headline from today's K.C. Star, regarding our local NFL franchise.  Uhhh, I think they already did, being's how they've now lost 12 regular season games in a row.  To give you an idea of how bad today's 38-14 loss was, during the first half not long after I gave up on Gus Johnson and Co. on TV and turned on the radio, I actually switched over to my rented "Love Boat" DVD reruns in favor of wasting precious minutes of my life watching this fiasco.  The world NFL record is 26 losses in a row by the expansion 1976-77 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the Chefs are almost halfway there already.  I'd be shocked if they win a game all season this year...

"THERE'S NOTHING REAL IN THE WORLD ANYMORE!!!"
Late Oakland Raiders play-by-play man Bill King might've re-uttered his own famous words today as the lowly Miami Dolphins (1-15 last season) fed the New England Patriots their own lunch today in Foxborough 38-13.  This thing wasn't even close, either, and the Pats' NFL-record 21-game regular season winning streak ended with a muffled thud.  Okay, if a 1-15 team from a year ago could do this in the Patriots' house, then why could the 4-12 (last year) Chefs only manage a 17-10 loss at Gillette Stadium two weeks ago?  Oh, I forgot, we're rebuilding.  Meh...

HAIL TO THE SPARTANS!
Whilst Phil and I were toiling away yesterday, Michigan State made Saturday an A.G.D. (Automatic Good Day) for me by whooping up on Notre Dame in East Lansing, 23-7.  That's the way ya do it...

WELCOME TO THE SHOW...
Cubs win!  Cubs win!  I was quite pleased to see the Chicago Cubs clinch their second straight NL Central Division title yesterday.  I firmly believe that 2008 may truly be the year the Cubbies finally get over the hump and win the whole she-bang because unlike past years when they've made the playoffs ('84, '89, '98) and totally sucked the next season, they've actually improved on their record this year and have made the playoffs in successive seasons.  They should have no problem with any of their National League brethren (Dodgers, Mets, Phillies, Brewers, whoever) in the playoffs, and I think they stack up nicely against any American League foe they might face in the World Serious.

JUST AN OBSERVATION...
...but does that goomer in the UPS TV ads writing with the dry-erase pens not bear a very strong resemblance to Mike Damone in Fast Times At Ridgemont High?  Bet he could still score you some good Cheap Trick tickets too...

JUST ANOTHER OBSERVATION...
Two weeks ago, I paid $3.34 a gallon for gas before Hurricane Ike hit.  Even before Ike came ashore, gas jumped 15 cents a gallon here to $3.49, yet it was determined that the damage Ike inflicted was fairly negligible, and yesterday gas here suddenly dropped to $3.29 a gallon.  Luckily, I filled up before the shit went up, but what cheeses me off is how these oil company scumbags raise the price of gas solely on what might happen instead of actual results.

And oh by the way, do you think these companies like my trash collectors who jacked up their monthly fee by a buck or two when gas was $4.00 a gallon are going to revert back to what they were charging previously now that we're back into the $3-twenties again.  Shit, no!  Bull-puckey, I say!

THE GIFT THAT JUST KEEPS ON GIVING
I saw by the 'ol Internet today that singer George Michael was busted today in London for drug possession once again.  Just like during his 1998 arrest in Beverly Hills' Will Rogers Memorial Park for waxing his own dolphin, Georgie Boy was busted in another toilet.  I'll give the boy credit—if nothing else, he sure is consistent.

CLASSIC MISHEARD LYRIC #96
"Him Or Me-What's It Gonna Be?"—PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS (1967)  "...and if you decide it's him, I'll change my plans..."  I started listening to this song when I was barely three years old, therefore I knew precious little about two-timing women-folk, so forgive my youthful innocence when I thought Mark Lindsay sang, "...and if you decide it's him, I'll change my pants..."

"THIS IS THE END, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND—THE END..."
Tonight brings the curtain down on the "House That Ruth Built", the venerable Yankee Stadium in Da Bronx.  Very mixed feelings on this end about it all, as I never got to visit this hallowed sports institution, especially after I passed up the opportunity last month to do so in favor of doing my California excursion instead.  But, given how easily I was rattled by all the scum and villainy I encountered in downtown San Francisco, I know now that I sure as hell wasn't ready to take on the Big Apple without a police escort and a personal bodyguard, therefore I think I made the right move, therefore, so be it.  Eighty-five years' worth of history (not just baseball) has gone down at this legendary locale, everything from Babe Ruth to Lou Gehrig to Muhammad Ali to Joe DiMaggio to Giants/Colts-Don Ameche to Yogi Berra to Mickey Mantle to the Pope(s) to Roger Maris to Frank Gifford to Pele to Sugar Ray Robinson to Thurman Munson to Don Larsen to Billy Joel to Billy Martin to G. Brett's pine tar to Don Mattingly to Howard Cosell to Yogi Berra to Pink Floyd to Reggie Jackson to Derek Jeter to A-Rod to Mariano Rivera to Bob Sheppard.

The last name on that list is the Yankees' legendary P.A. announcer, Bob Sheppard, who turns 98 years old next month.  This man could even make dickey dick-brain Rickey Henderson sound like a saint when he uttered his name.  Shit, I'd give my left nut and maybe part of the right one to hear the man announce my name as I step up to the plate—"Now batting, number 11, designated sitter...Brian Holland...number 11..."  Sadly, Bob has been in poor health since last season and unable to perform his duties during this final season for The Stadium. I sincerely hope they can at least find a way to allow him to give tonight's starting lineups one more time from his living room couch so we can hear "Number two...shortstop...Der-ek Je-tahhh" live one more time.

My favorite Yankee Stadium memory?  That's easy—George Brett's mammoth home run into the right field upper deck during the 1980 ALCS to propel the Royals into the World Serious for the first time ever.  I'll never forget as long as I live the drunken revelry in Crown Center that night after the game as we all chanted "Yankees suck!!" and "Cosell sucks!!" in front of the local TV cameras that night.

Even though the New York Yankees are every bit as evil as Darth Vader, the Dallas Cowboys, Nancy Grace, TV evangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Notre Dame football, Herbalife, Bill O'Reilly, the San Diego Sockers, Ann Coulter, Tom Cruise, the Oakland Raiders, Michelle Malkin, Wal-Mart, Dick Cheney, Sean Hannity, the oil industry and quite a few others to me, I DO respect their history, and especially that of what is probably the most famous sports venue in the world, so don't think I'm not a little sadder at the passing of this eternal baseball institution.  For this one night—and one night only—I'm root-root-rooting for the Yankees to win tonight.

Oobie Doobie Doo

The Brothers Doobie are yet another band that has been inexplicably denied induction into the Rock ‘N’ Roll Hall of Fame, despite having more than enough credentials thereof.  I’d put their output (including even the Michael McDonald-era stuff) up against that of Bob Seger, Tom Petty and John Mellencamp any day, and they’re all in the Hall.  As you might have gathered, I’m much more partial to the good-time Rock ‘N’ Roll Tom Johnston-era Doobies, as opposed to the wimpy Jazz-Fusion Michael McDonald-era Doobies.  Don’t get me wrong—ol’ McDonald is a great singer and can do blue-eyed soul even better than Hall & Oates ever dreamed they could, but apart from two or three standout tracks, the stuff he did with the Doobies paled in comparison to the earlier (and later) stuff with Johnston.  I much prefer TJ’s warm and friendly voice, which ironically, I find more soulful than MM’s! 
And let us not forget the once-in-a-while capacity of Doobie stalwart Pat Simmons to produce some real gems in their musical catalogue, as well.

Throughout all their various personnel changes, my favorite Doobie Brothers lineup has to be the 1975 Stampede era with Johnston and Simmons, along with Jeff “Skunk” Baxter on guitar, Tiran Porter on bass, and John Harte and the late Keith Knudsen on drums.  By the way, two drummers, Gracie?  I’ve never quite understood why any band needs more than one drummer (Allman Bros., .38 Special, latter-day Moody Blues, et al) to maintain one beat, but whatever floats yer boat, I guess.  Anyway, although I’d become familiar with their big hits on AM radio growing up, the first time I ever actually saw the Doobie Brothers was that infamous episode of TV’s “What’s Happening!” ("Doobie Or Not Doobie") where the band played a concert at Raj and da gang's high school and brother Rerun tried to make a bootleg of the show for some thugs—as if smuggling an ordinary cassette tape recorder under a trench coat would yield a high-quality concert recording—riiiight!  Johnston was already gone by that time, dealing with some health issues that forced him off the road for a while, and McDonald became the focal point until the band broke up in 1982.

Johnston and Simmons reunited with Porter, Harte, former drummer Michael Hossack and late percussionist/vocalist Bobby LaKind in 1989 for the vastly underrated Cycles album, which featured the hit single “The Doctor”, which I like to call “China Grove, Jr.”  It was almost as if the Doobie Brothers had invented time travel, because this record just felt like 1974 all over again.  Their 1991 follow-up, Brotherhood, wasn’t quite as strong, but it still had its moments.  Johnston and Simmons still tour constantly to this day (mostly without McDonald, who’s busy singing Motown songs on his own tours) and they can still bring it.  Put these guys in the Hall already, will ya please?

My all-time Doobie Brothers Top 20
20) “Echoes Of Love” (1980)  This was the beginning of the end the first time around, but not a bad song.
19) “Evil Woman” (1973)  Not to be confused with the ELO or Black Sabbath tunes of the same title.  Sounding kinda like the Eagles' "Witchy Woman" in places, it’s sadly kinda forgotten now.
18) “It Keeps You Runnin‘” (1976)  Now forever associated with Forrest Gump…
17) “Another Park, Another Sunday” (1974)  I didn’t think much of this one at first, but it’s kinda grown on me over the years.
16) “Too High A Price” (1989)  Also sounding almost Eagles-esque at times, this Pat Simmons tune was the closing track from Cycles.
15) “Listen To The Music” (1972)  Sad to hear this one being used on TV commercials now, but whaddya expect?  Check out Peter Frampton on Comes Alive! on the ironically-titled song “Doobie Wah” and tell me if it doesn’t bear a bit of a resemblance to “Listen To The Music”.
14) “The Doctor” (1989)  Son of “China Grove”—most bands wouldn’t get away with recycling the same riff and instrumentation from an old song for a reunion album, but somehow the Doobs did.
13) “Black Water” (1974)  Gets played to death on the radio, but still brings back fun memories of listening to it when it first came out when I was ten.
12) “Without You” (1973)  Nice power chords on one of the edgier Doobies tunes.
11) “Double Dealin’ Four Flusher” (1975)  I don’t have a clue what Pat Simmons is singing about here, but it’s nifty little romp to close out the Stampede album.
10) “Takin’ It To The Streets” (1976)  Easily M. McDonald’s finest hour with the Doobie Brothers.
9) [Tie] “China Grove” (1973)/“Long Train Runnin’” (1972)  These two probably would’ve scored higher on my list, but they’ve both been played to death so much on the radio that I’ve grown a little weary of them.  Still, they’re both classics.
8) “Wrong Number” (1989)  A cautionary tale about the evils of cocaine from Cycles: “That sugar it ain’t worth the price…”  Drugs are bad, mmm-kay?
7) “Rockin’ Down The Highway” (1972)  As the title suggests, this is an outstanding road trip song.
6) “Jesus Is Just Alright” (1972)  Probably the first thing I remember hearing from the band on the radio when I was about seven or eight.  Originally done by The Byrds in 1969, a highly ironical favorite for an agnostic like me.
5) “Need A Little Taste Of Love” (1989)  Those trademark Doobie harmonies were a perfect fit for this excellent cover of the Isley Brothers tune.
4) “Take Me In Your Arms (Rock Me)” (1975)  Another excellent cover version that blows the original away.  It was the first 45 I ever bought that literally had my name printed on it, as I apparently co-wrote this Motown classic with Eddie Holland and Lamont Dozier—where the fuck's my royalty check?!?  For the longest time, I wondered how the Doobie Brothers made themselves sound like girls doing the backing vocals before I learned of the concept of hired studio singers!
3) “One Chain (Don’t Make No Prison)” (1989)  Great lyrics here ("One rain don't make no river/one punch don't make no fight", etc.) and the backing track has a lot of drive to it. It even kinda sorta sounds like the old Sweathog lost classic “Hallelujah” in places.
2) “Ukiah” (1973)  I first heard this song about four in the morning on the old KY-102 when I was about half-asleep sometime in the early ‘80s, but right away I knew it was the Doobie Brothers with those harmonies.  Very underrated track off the killer The Captain And Me album.
1) “I Cheat The Hangman” (1975)  Is this song a trip or what?  That “What’s Happening!” episode was my first exposure to this underrated classic, and I dunno why it doesn’t get more airplay on the radio.  All you Classic Rock program directors out there—why not give “China Grove” and “Long Train Runnin’” a little break now and then and play this one, eh?