A humorous look at how paranoia can make music people do strange things...
In 1973, the Charlie Daniels Band scored its first hit with the quite humorous novelty song "Uneasy Rider", but for some reason, AM radio stations got the willies over the line "and their asses were catching", so they bleeped it. However, a previous line in the song "one of them long-haired hippie-type pinko fags" was apparently deemed okay, 'cause it was left unscathed! J ust you try and get away with a line in a song like that in today's politically correct world, boys and girls...
A mere six years later, the C.D.B. succumbed to pressure from censor-ly types with their 1979 classic "The Devil Went Down To Georgia". Evidently, you can't even call the devil himself a "son-of-a-bitch" amongst certain Bible-thumping Southern Baptist circles, thus Charlie had to issue the wussy "I done told you once you son-of-a-gun" single version of the song to appease the over-zealous Jerry Falwell/"700 Club" sycophants out there.
In a similar move, The Who's Roger Daltrey had to make a special trip to the recording studio just to sing five words, "Who the hell are you?" to tidy up 1978's "Who Are You?" for AM radio, and the single version thereof. Meantime, the original "Who the fuck are you?" lyric had been a staple on FM radio for 25 years or so until the whole 2004 Janet Jackson boob thing happened and the FCC threatened to take everyone's licenses away at the slightest utterance of the word "heck", thus "Who Are You?" has been neutered to eliminate the offending line altogether on nearly all Classic Rock stations. A similar fate has befallen the classic Pink Floyd tune "Money" and the line "goody-goody good bullshit" which is now rendered "goody-goody good #)@*&;$!(."
Meantime, my good buddy John "Cougar" Mellencamp's "Play Guitar" aired on the radio the other day complete with the line "forget about all that macho shit and learn to play guitar!" unadulterated. What gives? Too bad he's never taken his own advice...
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Friday, December 29, 2006
Berating Bonaduce
Is there anything more pathetic on TV right now than Danny Bonaduce’s current VH-1
"Celebreality" show? I used to really like this guy, but he's become totally insufferable the last year or so via that vaunted series "Breaking Bonaduce" whilst exposing all his "demons" and "problems" to the moronic viewing public who find this tripe to be "like, omigod, it's so intense!".
I put "demons" and "problems" in quotation marks because I firmly believe this whole sham is all just an act by Bonaduce, as are ALL reality shows—Ozzy Osbourne was reading off fucking cue cards (poorly) on "The Osbournes", remember? Now ol' Dante preys on everyone’s sympathies trying to cast himself as some sort of martyr, but all I see here is a sorry-ass has-been who's so desperate for attention (and a paycheck) that he'll put on this phony self-absorbed pity party for people's entertainment, and it’s complete and total hooey!
I put "demons" and "problems" in quotation marks because I firmly believe this whole sham is all just an act by Bonaduce, as are ALL reality shows—Ozzy Osbourne was reading off fucking cue cards (poorly) on "The Osbournes", remember? Now ol' Dante preys on everyone’s sympathies trying to cast himself as some sort of martyr, but all I see here is a sorry-ass has-been who's so desperate for attention (and a paycheck) that he'll put on this phony self-absorbed pity party for people's entertainment, and it’s complete and total hooey!
I stumbled across Dangerous Dan and his idiot wife Gretchen (what a total waste of pretty red hair, by the way) on Dr. Phil’s show a couple weeks back having yet another pity party for the cameras, and I couldn’t believe how Doc Phil (yet another guy I used to really admire whose stock has slipped big-time with me) was actually condoning this whole sham! I may be going out on a limb here, but it seems to me that Dr. Phil or ANY therapist worth a damn would NOT allow their client(s) to go through therapy on NATIONAL TELEVISION—something they call doctor-patient confidentiality, I believe. Oh, did Doc Phil bother to utter his catchphrase "what the hell were you thinkin'?" regarding the fact that Dante and Gretch got married on the day they met? Call me crazy, but ain't that a pretty blatant red flag right there, Kimosabe Phil?
And to think I once considered David "I'll-claim-I-doinked-Susan Dey-just-to-sell-my-autobiography" Cassidy to be the big douche-bag on "The Partridge Family"! A big error in judgment on my part, apparently...
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
New Who Review...Comin' right at You!
Just got done listening to the new Who CD, Endless Wire, and I'm quite frankly underwhelmed. As a MAJOR aficionado of The Who (tied with Elton John for my #2 Rock act of all-time, right behind Kiss), there was a time when I would have bought a brand new Who album the day it came out, but I've had trouble getting excited about this one, particularly since John Entwistle is no longer with us, thus I waited almost two months after its release to buy it. The Ox's bass playing—not to mention his witty songs—always gave Who albums that extra-added kick, and they are sorely missing now, because Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey sound almost like a lounge act here. Neither I, nor Horton, heard The Who on this CD, and this one makes Face Dances seem like Who's Next in comparison! What pisses me off most is how Townshend has been dangling this carrot in front of Who fans for almost 20 years now about a new studio album from the band, and never followed through on it until after Entwistle was gone. They shoulda called it Who's Left instead...
Farewell, Mr. President
Yet another famous person died this week, former President Gerald R. Ford. I liked ol’ Gerry myself—he wasn’t such a bad guy (even for a Republican), and I almost got to shake hands with him too. My dad and I went to see him speak at the dedication of Harry Truman’s statue at Independence Square in ’76. We got within about ten feet of him, but there were too many people in front of us before the Secret Service boys whisked him away. I still have my WIN (Whip Inflation Now) magnet on my coolerator (fridge), come to think of it!
I think Chevy Chase’s lame Ford "imitation" pratfall bits on "Saturday Night Live" gave Gerry a bad rap that he didn’t really deserve (and it gets old real quick when you watch the "SNL" DVDs now). And since he was only in office two years and change—spending almost all of that time cleaning up after The Big Dick—it’s really hard to get a good read on how good a President he was, but he can rest in peace secure in the knowledge that he’s light years ahead of Dubya in the all-time standings! Bon voyage, Gerry…
I think Chevy Chase’s lame Ford "imitation" pratfall bits on "Saturday Night Live" gave Gerry a bad rap that he didn’t really deserve (and it gets old real quick when you watch the "SNL" DVDs now). And since he was only in office two years and change—spending almost all of that time cleaning up after The Big Dick—it’s really hard to get a good read on how good a President he was, but he can rest in peace secure in the knowledge that he’s light years ahead of Dubya in the all-time standings! Bon voyage, Gerry…
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Misc. thoughts
R.I.P. JAMES BROWN
Man, seems like we've lost a lot of big names lately, and sadly we have to add James Brown to that list. Hate to admit it, but I didn't really know much about James before Eddie Murphy's nearly perfect impersonations of him, but I found his body of work to be pretty impressive when I checked it out. From what I can tell, he put on a great live show too, even if you couldn't understand a word he sang (a la Bob Dylan). So long, Soul Brother #1...
I hear that Rev. Al Sharpton will be presiding over James' funeral. And no doubt Jesse Jackson will be there grandstanding and brown-nosing too. Couldn't they find someone better? Even Reverend Jim on "Taxi" would be a step in the right direction...
I'LL BRING THE ROPE
Iraq says that Saddam Hussein will be hung within the next 30 days. That's nice, but I still maintain that this freakin' war was not worth it just for him to fry. Let's just make sure he's well hung, mmm-kay?
SHE SURE DON'T ACT LIKE ONE
If Ann Coulter is so conservative, then why does she dress like Britney Spears sometimes?
McRIB IS BACK!
Why the filth-flarn-filth doesn’t McDonald’s just leave the damn thing on their menu permanently?!? It’s a popular item—why do they keep taking it away? Oh wait, let me guess—that FEMA guy is running McDonald’s now!
WOMEN DRIVE DRUNK TOO!
Man, seems like we've lost a lot of big names lately, and sadly we have to add James Brown to that list. Hate to admit it, but I didn't really know much about James before Eddie Murphy's nearly perfect impersonations of him, but I found his body of work to be pretty impressive when I checked it out. From what I can tell, he put on a great live show too, even if you couldn't understand a word he sang (a la Bob Dylan). So long, Soul Brother #1...
I hear that Rev. Al Sharpton will be presiding over James' funeral. And no doubt Jesse Jackson will be there grandstanding and brown-nosing too. Couldn't they find someone better? Even Reverend Jim on "Taxi" would be a step in the right direction...
I'LL BRING THE ROPE
Iraq says that Saddam Hussein will be hung within the next 30 days. That's nice, but I still maintain that this freakin' war was not worth it just for him to fry. Let's just make sure he's well hung, mmm-kay?
SHE SURE DON'T ACT LIKE ONE
If Ann Coulter is so conservative, then why does she dress like Britney Spears sometimes?
McRIB IS BACK!
Why the filth-flarn-filth doesn’t McDonald’s just leave the damn thing on their menu permanently?!? It’s a popular item—why do they keep taking it away? Oh wait, let me guess—that FEMA guy is running McDonald’s now!
WOMEN DRIVE DRUNK TOO!Have you noticed these ads on TV lately harping about how law enforcement people are supposedly cracking down on drunk driving? That's all well and good, but why is it on these ads they only feature MEN being pulled over and getting the third degree from the cops? Do the names Diana Ross, Lindsay Lohan or Nicole Richie (see left) mean anything to them?
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Time to look forward...
Now that the Christmas rush is through, here's my "Wish List" of things I'd really like to see in the not-so-distant future (in no particular order):
—Peace in the Middle East
—The demise of reality TV
—A "House For Sale" sign in my nextdoor neighbor’s front yard
—A cure (or two) for cancer, AIDS, Parkinson's Disease, et al
—Fewer pounds on my body
—Osama bin Laden strung up by his nut sack
—A riding lawn mower in my tool shed
—The impeachment of Dubya
—Winning lottery tickets (preferably in my grubby little hands!)
—A Kansas City Royals pitcher who can strike people out with some regularity
—Terrell Owens having his nuts slammed in a car door
—A new Kiss album
—A Back Yard Burger fast food joint in Raytown
—Barry Bonds suffering a career-ending injury while stuck at 754 home runs
—Fewer poker games and more actual sports on ESPN
—A fresh Super Bowl trophy on display at Arrowhead Stadium
—An NHL team for the Sprint Center's grand opening
—A playoff system for college football
—Kiss and Paul Revere & The Raiders enshrined in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame
—A steady girlfriend (Renee Zellweger or Kate Winslet will do!)
—More down-to-earth writing by the likes of Leonard Pitts, Jr.
—My best friend Tom viewing ANY film produced by Michael Moore
—The New Jersey Devils hoisting the Stanley Cup for the 4th time
—A conscience for the management and staff of KCTV-5 News
—A muzzle for Dick Vitale
—A Super Bowl appearance for Marty Schottenheimer
—More TV shows like "M.X.C." (Long live Guy LeDouche!)
—A Rock radio station in K.C. that goes beyond the same five Foreigner songs, same five Doobie Brothers songs, same five Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, etc.
—A cure for whatever it is that afflicts conservative columnists like Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Jonah Goldberg, et al, as well as liberal idiots like Al Franken and Molly Ivins, et al
—Women dressing like women again
—A little humility from Bobby Knight
—A cure for Danny Bonaduce
—An Eagles reunion (oh wait, we did that already!)
—Peace in the Middle East
—The demise of reality TV
—A "House For Sale" sign in my nextdoor neighbor’s front yard
—A cure (or two) for cancer, AIDS, Parkinson's Disease, et al
—Fewer pounds on my body
—Osama bin Laden strung up by his nut sack
—A riding lawn mower in my tool shed
—The impeachment of Dubya
—Winning lottery tickets (preferably in my grubby little hands!)
—A Kansas City Royals pitcher who can strike people out with some regularity
—Terrell Owens having his nuts slammed in a car door
—A new Kiss album
—A Back Yard Burger fast food joint in Raytown
—Barry Bonds suffering a career-ending injury while stuck at 754 home runs
—Fewer poker games and more actual sports on ESPN
—A fresh Super Bowl trophy on display at Arrowhead Stadium
—An NHL team for the Sprint Center's grand opening
—A playoff system for college football
—Kiss and Paul Revere & The Raiders enshrined in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame
—A steady girlfriend (Renee Zellweger or Kate Winslet will do!)
—More down-to-earth writing by the likes of Leonard Pitts, Jr.
—My best friend Tom viewing ANY film produced by Michael Moore
—The New Jersey Devils hoisting the Stanley Cup for the 4th time
—A conscience for the management and staff of KCTV-5 News
—A muzzle for Dick Vitale
—A Super Bowl appearance for Marty Schottenheimer
—More TV shows like "M.X.C." (Long live Guy LeDouche!)
—A Rock radio station in K.C. that goes beyond the same five Foreigner songs, same five Doobie Brothers songs, same five Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, etc.
—A cure for whatever it is that afflicts conservative columnists like Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter, Jonah Goldberg, et al, as well as liberal idiots like Al Franken and Molly Ivins, et al
—Women dressing like women again
—A little humility from Bobby Knight
—A cure for Danny Bonaduce
—An Eagles reunion (oh wait, we did that already!)
So this is Christmas...
Seems only fitting to post my Top 20 list of favorite Christmas tunes of all-time tonight:
1) "Christmas At Ground Zero"--WEIRD AL YANKOVIC Totally warped and wonderful, and it's Al at his finest! "It's time to face your final destiny/The radio just let us know that this is NOT a test! You better load your gun and shoot to kill..."
2) "Merry Christmas Darling"--THE CARPENTERS Loved this song when I was seven years old and addicted to Top 40 AM radio on WHB in K.C. This one got a lot harder to listen to after Karen died, though...
3) "'Twas The Night Before Christmas"--PERRY COMO We had this Perry Como Christmas album in our family for years and I remember listening to it every year until we wore the poor thing out. P.C. wasn't exactly Mr. Excitement, but this was pretty cool stuff for the holidays.
4) "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"--JOHN LENNON & YOKO ONO This song became just a tad more poignant in 1980...
5) "Charlie Brown Christmas Theme"--VINCE GUARALDI TRIO What Christmas is complete without this one?
6) "Deck The Halls"--MANHEIM STEAMROLLER Or this one?
7) "Step Into Christmas"--ELTON JOHN Recorded during the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road sessions. One of the better Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes.
8) "Jingle Bells"--THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY You heard me--the Partridge Family! One of my favorite Christmas albums ever, too.
9) "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"--BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND Sounds like The Boss & Co. were indulging in a little egg nog on stage that night!
10) "Snoopy's Christmas"--THE ROYAL GUARDSMEN Logical follow-up to "Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron". "Merry Christmas, my friend!" replaces "Curses! Foiled again!"
11) "The Hannukah Song"--ADAM SANDLER Yes, this one gets played to death every year on the radio now, but it's still good clean fun, even for a gentile like me. Being the carinvore that I am, I'd make a lousy Jew anyway because of that whole "can't eat pork" thing, although I do find myself saying "Oy!" a lot these days...
12) "All I Want For Christmas Is You"--MARIAH CAREY The ONLY thing this woman's ever done that I actually like!
13) "Yingle Bells"--STAN FREBERG/YOGI YORGESSON Yumpin' yiminy!
14) "I Believe In Father Christmas"--GREG LAKE One of the prettier Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes you'll ever hear.
15) "Feliz Navidad"--JOSE FELICIANO Gets kinda repetitive after a while, but it's still worthy.
16) "Blue Christmas"--ELVIS PRESLEY The King had some Yuletide soul in him too. The Partridge Family version of this one ain't too shabby either.
17) "Frosty The Snowman"--THE RONETTES Christmas meets Phil Spector's patented Wall of Sound and lives to tell about it!
18) "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas"--GAYLA PEEVEY Man, that little squirt could sure belt that one out!
19) "2000 Miles"--THE PRETENDERS Another one of the prettier Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes you'll ever hear.
20) "Moe Money/Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"--CHEECH & CHONG This one is a total hoot. Picture the Sex Pistols doing "Rudolph" and you get the idea!
And my Bottom Five Worst Christmas songs of All-Time:
1) "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"--ELMO & PATSY First time I heard this one, I thought it was funny. Every time after that, I found it about as annoying as Danny Bonaduce's current TV reality show...
2) "Jingle Bells"--THE BARKING DOGS Ditto.
3) "Wear A Smile At Christmas"--PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS It pains me to pick on my boys here, but they should have stuck to Rock 'N' Roll rather than put out this half-baked Christmas record. Pretty lame...
4) "Do They Know It's Christmas?"--BAND AID Yes, I know it was for charity and all, but this thing was SO overrated!
5) "Little Drummer Boy"--JESSICA AND ASHLEE SIMPSON Okay, I've never even heard this one before, but I'm SUPREMELY confident of its worthiness for this list. Aren't you?
Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine!
1) "Christmas At Ground Zero"--WEIRD AL YANKOVIC Totally warped and wonderful, and it's Al at his finest! "It's time to face your final destiny/The radio just let us know that this is NOT a test! You better load your gun and shoot to kill..."
2) "Merry Christmas Darling"--THE CARPENTERS Loved this song when I was seven years old and addicted to Top 40 AM radio on WHB in K.C. This one got a lot harder to listen to after Karen died, though...
3) "'Twas The Night Before Christmas"--PERRY COMO We had this Perry Como Christmas album in our family for years and I remember listening to it every year until we wore the poor thing out. P.C. wasn't exactly Mr. Excitement, but this was pretty cool stuff for the holidays.
4) "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)"--JOHN LENNON & YOKO ONO This song became just a tad more poignant in 1980...
5) "Charlie Brown Christmas Theme"--VINCE GUARALDI TRIO What Christmas is complete without this one?
6) "Deck The Halls"--MANHEIM STEAMROLLER Or this one?
7) "Step Into Christmas"--ELTON JOHN Recorded during the Goodbye Yellow Brick Road sessions. One of the better Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes.
8) "Jingle Bells"--THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY You heard me--the Partridge Family! One of my favorite Christmas albums ever, too.
9) "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"--BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN & THE E STREET BAND Sounds like The Boss & Co. were indulging in a little egg nog on stage that night!
10) "Snoopy's Christmas"--THE ROYAL GUARDSMEN Logical follow-up to "Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron". "Merry Christmas, my friend!" replaces "Curses! Foiled again!"
11) "The Hannukah Song"--ADAM SANDLER Yes, this one gets played to death every year on the radio now, but it's still good clean fun, even for a gentile like me. Being the carinvore that I am, I'd make a lousy Jew anyway because of that whole "can't eat pork" thing, although I do find myself saying "Oy!" a lot these days...
12) "All I Want For Christmas Is You"--MARIAH CAREY The ONLY thing this woman's ever done that I actually like!
13) "Yingle Bells"--STAN FREBERG/YOGI YORGESSON Yumpin' yiminy!
14) "I Believe In Father Christmas"--GREG LAKE One of the prettier Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes you'll ever hear.
15) "Feliz Navidad"--JOSE FELICIANO Gets kinda repetitive after a while, but it's still worthy.
16) "Blue Christmas"--ELVIS PRESLEY The King had some Yuletide soul in him too. The Partridge Family version of this one ain't too shabby either.
17) "Frosty The Snowman"--THE RONETTES Christmas meets Phil Spector's patented Wall of Sound and lives to tell about it!
18) "I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas"--GAYLA PEEVEY Man, that little squirt could sure belt that one out!
19) "2000 Miles"--THE PRETENDERS Another one of the prettier Rock 'N' Roll Christmas tunes you'll ever hear.
20) "Moe Money/Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer"--CHEECH & CHONG This one is a total hoot. Picture the Sex Pistols doing "Rudolph" and you get the idea!
And my Bottom Five Worst Christmas songs of All-Time:
1) "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer"--ELMO & PATSY First time I heard this one, I thought it was funny. Every time after that, I found it about as annoying as Danny Bonaduce's current TV reality show...
2) "Jingle Bells"--THE BARKING DOGS Ditto.
3) "Wear A Smile At Christmas"--PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS It pains me to pick on my boys here, but they should have stuck to Rock 'N' Roll rather than put out this half-baked Christmas record. Pretty lame...
4) "Do They Know It's Christmas?"--BAND AID Yes, I know it was for charity and all, but this thing was SO overrated!
5) "Little Drummer Boy"--JESSICA AND ASHLEE SIMPSON Okay, I've never even heard this one before, but I'm SUPREMELY confident of its worthiness for this list. Aren't you?
Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and yours from me and mine!
Friday, December 22, 2006
And that's all I have to say about that...
My take on the latest celebrity pissing match between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell: I believe the late Benny Hill may have put it most succinctly, "Biiiiiiiiiig Deeeeeeeeeealllll!" I can't stand either one of these media whores anyway. I say let's put 'em on "Celebrity Death Match" and let them maul each other to death. The world will be a happier place without them...
Thursday, December 21, 2006
This Chafes My Hiney
Don't know about anyone else, but I've grown terribly weary of those HD TV ads with Jessica Simpson posing as Daisy Duke. Say what you will about the original "Dukes Of Hazzard" TV show and all, but I have issues with Miss "I-Forgot-The-Words-To-'9 To 5'" playing the original Miss Daisy. On the TV show, Daisy Duke was quite the hottie, not to mention the prototype for the modern-day Hooters girl, but she was NOT a skank, nor was she a blonde airhead! Catherine Bach should sue for defamation of her character--this is not your father's Daisy Duke!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Current TV People I Can Really Do Without
Dispensing with the obvious usual suspects—Bill O'Reilly, Geraldo Rivera, Dick Vitale, Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell, et al—who kinda go without saying, here is a semi-comprehensive list of current people on the Boob Tube that my life would be infinitely better without (in no particular order):
—That jagoff that hosts "Extreme Makeover"
—Those two dorks in the mini-van on the Sonic commercials (see previous post)
—Carson Daly
—Robin McGraw (Mrs. Dr. Phil)
—That "You can find the love of your life" doofus on the eHarmony.com ads
—Steve Doocy (Fox News Channel)
—Dennis Haysbert on the Allstate ads (Loved him as Pedro Cerrano in Major League, but I’m sick of him lecturing me about car insurance!)
—That Nancy Grace biyatch on CNN (Wouldn't you love to see her run over by a bus?)
—That "I’m thinking of a number..." dweeb on the FreeCreditReport.com ads (Free, my ass!)
—Michael Irvin (ESPN)
—That smiling geek on the Enzyte "male enhancement" ads (Unlike him, I need no drugs to get mine working!)
—All the hack comedian wanna-be’s VH-1 trots out for these "I Love The ‘80s", et al, shows—Greta Van Sustererereren (Fox News Channel)
—Lynn Hoffman (Annoying VH-1 Classic VJ)
—That prissy-looking geek with the pencil-thin mustache on those "Colon Cleanser" infomercials
—The Geico Gecko (no longer funny!)
—All sideline reporters at sporting events (excluding Guy LaDouche on "M.X.C.", that is)
—Steven A. Smith (ESPN self-appointed expert on everything)
—Jim Rome (ditto)
—Jared From Subway
—Katie Horner (KCTV-5, Kansas City over-zealous weather tart/doomsday predictor)
—Come to think of it, the ENTIRE KCTV-5 news team ("Late-breaking, investigative, irritative, sensationalistic, tabloidy...")
—Jim Cramer (CNBC’s financial "guru"/clown)
—Deion Sanders (NFL Network analyst/Pimp wanna-be)
I'm sure I missed somebody here, but I'll get them next time...it's MY blog, after all...
—That jagoff that hosts "Extreme Makeover"
—Those two dorks in the mini-van on the Sonic commercials (see previous post)
—Carson Daly
—Robin McGraw (Mrs. Dr. Phil)
—That "You can find the love of your life" doofus on the eHarmony.com ads
—Steve Doocy (Fox News Channel)
—Dennis Haysbert on the Allstate ads (Loved him as Pedro Cerrano in Major League, but I’m sick of him lecturing me about car insurance!)
—That Nancy Grace biyatch on CNN (Wouldn't you love to see her run over by a bus?)
—That "I’m thinking of a number..." dweeb on the FreeCreditReport.com ads (Free, my ass!)
—Michael Irvin (ESPN)
—That smiling geek on the Enzyte "male enhancement" ads (Unlike him, I need no drugs to get mine working!)
—All the hack comedian wanna-be’s VH-1 trots out for these "I Love The ‘80s", et al, shows—Greta Van Sustererereren (Fox News Channel)
—Lynn Hoffman (Annoying VH-1 Classic VJ)
—That prissy-looking geek with the pencil-thin mustache on those "Colon Cleanser" infomercials
—The Geico Gecko (no longer funny!)
—All sideline reporters at sporting events (excluding Guy LaDouche on "M.X.C.", that is)
—Steven A. Smith (ESPN self-appointed expert on everything)
—Jim Rome (ditto)
—Jared From Subway
—Katie Horner (KCTV-5, Kansas City over-zealous weather tart/doomsday predictor)
—Come to think of it, the ENTIRE KCTV-5 news team ("Late-breaking, investigative, irritative, sensationalistic, tabloidy...")
—Jim Cramer (CNBC’s financial "guru"/clown)
—Deion Sanders (NFL Network analyst/Pimp wanna-be)
I'm sure I missed somebody here, but I'll get them next time...it's MY blog, after all...
Could someone please explain...
...these dumbass Sonic Drive-In ads on TV to me? You have these two 30-something dorks in a mini-van, arguing like a married couple and/or making inane commentary about whatever it is they're dining on at Sonic. Not to sound homophobic or anything, but two guys spending THAT much time together in a mini-van makes me nervous! These commercials are just about the most pointless damn things, yet I've read more than once how they are so highly-regarded (and even award-winning) in advertising circles! Am I missing something here? And what's up with that insipid punch-in-the-face sound effect they punctuate these things with? These ads sure don't entertain me, much less make me wanna run out and grab a burger there. I'm confused...
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Top 4 Funniest Rock Album Reviews of All-Time
These are culled from various Rock magazines and publications from the '70s, like Rolling Stone and Creem, et al:
1) EMERSON LAKE & PALMER, Welcome Back My Friends To The Show That Never Ends: “It sure lives up to the title…”
2) CHASE, Chase: “Flee!”
3) LEO KOTTKE, Greatest Hits, 1971-75: “Who?!?”
4) CHICAGO, Chicago IV-Live At Carnegie Hall: "...the shrink wrap is as interesting as the music..."
1) EMERSON LAKE & PALMER, Welcome Back My Friends To The Show That Never Ends: “It sure lives up to the title…”
2) CHASE, Chase: “Flee!”
3) LEO KOTTKE, Greatest Hits, 1971-75: “Who?!?”
4) CHICAGO, Chicago IV-Live At Carnegie Hall: "...the shrink wrap is as interesting as the music..."
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Top 25 Greatest Cover Songs Of All-Time
You may have noticed by this time that I love lists! Here be the best remakes in Rock 'N' Roll history:
1) “You Really Got Me”—VAN HALEN (1978) V.H. took this venerable Kinks song--already a Rock classic--and shot it into the Stratosphere. Best cover version of any song on earth in this hemisphere!
2) “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds”—ELTON JOHN (1974) I actually grew to know Elton’s somewhat reggae-fied version before I ever even heard The Beatles’ original, and I have to say I prefer EJ’s more atmospheric rendition over the Fab Four‘s. John Lennon played on it too, so it obviously had his stamp of approval. It’s sure a damn sight better than William Shatner’s version…
3) “All Along The Watchtower”—JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE (1968) This was Jimi’s finest hour on vinyl, featuring a timeless guitar solo. Also, isn’t it amazing how much better Bob Dylan’s songs sound when SOMEONE ELSE performs them?
4) “Proud Mary”—IKE & TINA TURNER (1971) Damn right they NEVER EVER did nothin’ nice and easy--Ike certainly didn’t, anyway! This was one of the rare occasions when the Grammy Awards got one right, and this one buries C.C.R.'s original version, which is pretty tepid in comparison.
5) “Louie, Louie”—PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS (1965) True, this song has been recorded eleventy-million times, but never quite so rambunctiously as Da Raidas did on the live side of their debut Columbia LP Here They Come!, complete with a blistering guitar solo by the extremely underrated Drake Levin. Screw The Kingsmen--this is the definitive “Louie x2”!
6) “Summertime Blues”—THE WHO (1970) The Who took Eddie Cochran’s 1959 classic, electrified it, and made it their own concert staple throughout their career.
7) “Jim Dandy”--BLACK OAK ARKANSAS (1973) B.O.A.’s version of the 1956 LaVern Baker tune was their only Top 40 hit, and rips the original to shreds.
8) “Move It On Over”—GEORGE THOROGOOD & THE DESTROYERS (1978) Lonesome George is renowned for doing cover versions, and this one is my favorite. Hank Sr. would be proud…
9) “Never Can Say Goodbye”—THE COMMUNARDS (1985) This remake of Gloria Gaynor’s disco-fied remake of the Jackson Five’s most underrated song would even get my sorry ass out on any dance floor!
10) “Oh Pretty Woman”—VAN HALEN (1982) V.H.’s second-best cover song, featuring Diamond Dave in top form.
11) “Rock And Roll Music”—THE BEATLES (1963) This is the DEFINITIVE version of Chuck Berry’s classic, sung with great gusto by John Lennon. It blows the doors off the Beach Boys’ lame 1976 version, too.
12) “Taxman”—BLACK OAK ARKANSAS (1975) B.O.A.’s Jim “Dandy” Mangrum makes an even more convincing Taxman than George Harrison when he growls “Let me tell you how it will be…”
13) “Don’t Be Cruel”—CHEAP TRICK (1988) Cheap Trick does Elvis proud! Thank you--thank you verrrrry much!
14) “You’re Sixteen”—RINGO STARR (1973) Ringo’s album Ringo was most definitely his finest hour during his solo career, featuring “Oh My My” and “Photograph”, plus this classic remake of Johnny Burnette’s 1960 hit. Paul McCartney and the late Harry Nilsson play the kazoo solos in the middle eight--impress your friends with that piece of trivia!
15) “Louie, Louie”—MOTORHEAD (1978) The ONLY version of this song where I can actually understand the lyrics, by Motorhead, of all groups…go figure! Second-best version of "Louie, x2" ever.
16) “The Loco-Motion”—GRAND FUNK RAILROAD (1974) Screw the critics--these guys were good! G.F.R.’s version of Little Eva’s classic is now a staple of most bar bands.
17) “I’ll Make You Happy”—DIVINYLS (1983) Sadly, hardly anyone’s ever heard this one since no one knew of Divinyls until they started touching themselves in 1991, but this remake of a minor hit by Australia’s Easybeats can rock anybody’s house.
18) “Shakin’ All Over”—THE WHO (1970) Originally done by British legends Johnny Kidd & The Pirates, “Shakin’” has been copied several times, but never quite as feverishly as The ‘Orrible ‘Oo did on Live At Leeds. Pete Townshend isn’t really known for his lead guitar work, but he was on fire that night.
19) “Dixie”—BLACK OAK ARKANSAS (1974) Granny on “The Beverly Hillbillies” would have loved this remake of her favorite song!
20) “Hey Little Boy”—DIVINYLS (1988) Divinyls strike again with a re-genderfied version of Syndicate of Sound’s 1966 hit “Hey Little Girl”
21) “Higher Ground”—RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS (1989) Stevie Wonder’s funky classic gets even funkier with Flea’s bass playing.
22) “Rockin’ At Midnight”--THE HONEYDRIPPERS (1985) Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant croons this update of 1949 hit by Roy Brown, blowing away the remake Elvis tried to make.
23) “Dear Dad”—DAVE EDMUNDS (1982) There have been a zillion Chuck Berry covers. Dave Edmunds and George Thorogood account for maybe a third of them, and this one is pretty dandy. All about a guy asking his pappy for a Cadillac to replace his P.O.S. car, and you gotta love the punchline at the end, “Sincerely, your beloved son, Henry Jr. Ford.”
24) "Twist And Shout"—THE BEATLES (1963) Gotta give it up to John Lennon for somehow winging this one in just one take. He already had a cold, and his voice was shot to hell after recording all day long to complete The Beatles' first album.
25) “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”—DEVO (1978) Almost unrecognizable remake of the Stones’ classic, but somehow, it still worked! Are we not men, indeed!
HONORABLE MENTION: "(You're) Having My Baby"—THE HALLELUJAH TABERNACLE CHOIR (1978) Okay, this one's fictional, courtesy of "WKRP In Cincinnati"'s Dr. Johnny Fever, but can you just imagine?
1) “You Really Got Me”—VAN HALEN (1978) V.H. took this venerable Kinks song--already a Rock classic--and shot it into the Stratosphere. Best cover version of any song on earth in this hemisphere!
2) “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds”—ELTON JOHN (1974) I actually grew to know Elton’s somewhat reggae-fied version before I ever even heard The Beatles’ original, and I have to say I prefer EJ’s more atmospheric rendition over the Fab Four‘s. John Lennon played on it too, so it obviously had his stamp of approval. It’s sure a damn sight better than William Shatner’s version…
3) “All Along The Watchtower”—JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE (1968) This was Jimi’s finest hour on vinyl, featuring a timeless guitar solo. Also, isn’t it amazing how much better Bob Dylan’s songs sound when SOMEONE ELSE performs them?
4) “Proud Mary”—IKE & TINA TURNER (1971) Damn right they NEVER EVER did nothin’ nice and easy--Ike certainly didn’t, anyway! This was one of the rare occasions when the Grammy Awards got one right, and this one buries C.C.R.'s original version, which is pretty tepid in comparison.
5) “Louie, Louie”—PAUL REVERE & THE RAIDERS (1965) True, this song has been recorded eleventy-million times, but never quite so rambunctiously as Da Raidas did on the live side of their debut Columbia LP Here They Come!, complete with a blistering guitar solo by the extremely underrated Drake Levin. Screw The Kingsmen--this is the definitive “Louie x2”!
6) “Summertime Blues”—THE WHO (1970) The Who took Eddie Cochran’s 1959 classic, electrified it, and made it their own concert staple throughout their career.
7) “Jim Dandy”--BLACK OAK ARKANSAS (1973) B.O.A.’s version of the 1956 LaVern Baker tune was their only Top 40 hit, and rips the original to shreds.
8) “Move It On Over”—GEORGE THOROGOOD & THE DESTROYERS (1978) Lonesome George is renowned for doing cover versions, and this one is my favorite. Hank Sr. would be proud…
9) “Never Can Say Goodbye”—THE COMMUNARDS (1985) This remake of Gloria Gaynor’s disco-fied remake of the Jackson Five’s most underrated song would even get my sorry ass out on any dance floor!
10) “Oh Pretty Woman”—VAN HALEN (1982) V.H.’s second-best cover song, featuring Diamond Dave in top form.
11) “Rock And Roll Music”—THE BEATLES (1963) This is the DEFINITIVE version of Chuck Berry’s classic, sung with great gusto by John Lennon. It blows the doors off the Beach Boys’ lame 1976 version, too.
12) “Taxman”—BLACK OAK ARKANSAS (1975) B.O.A.’s Jim “Dandy” Mangrum makes an even more convincing Taxman than George Harrison when he growls “Let me tell you how it will be…”
13) “Don’t Be Cruel”—CHEAP TRICK (1988) Cheap Trick does Elvis proud! Thank you--thank you verrrrry much!
14) “You’re Sixteen”—RINGO STARR (1973) Ringo’s album Ringo was most definitely his finest hour during his solo career, featuring “Oh My My” and “Photograph”, plus this classic remake of Johnny Burnette’s 1960 hit. Paul McCartney and the late Harry Nilsson play the kazoo solos in the middle eight--impress your friends with that piece of trivia!
15) “Louie, Louie”—MOTORHEAD (1978) The ONLY version of this song where I can actually understand the lyrics, by Motorhead, of all groups…go figure! Second-best version of "Louie, x2" ever.
16) “The Loco-Motion”—GRAND FUNK RAILROAD (1974) Screw the critics--these guys were good! G.F.R.’s version of Little Eva’s classic is now a staple of most bar bands.
17) “I’ll Make You Happy”—DIVINYLS (1983) Sadly, hardly anyone’s ever heard this one since no one knew of Divinyls until they started touching themselves in 1991, but this remake of a minor hit by Australia’s Easybeats can rock anybody’s house.
18) “Shakin’ All Over”—THE WHO (1970) Originally done by British legends Johnny Kidd & The Pirates, “Shakin’” has been copied several times, but never quite as feverishly as The ‘Orrible ‘Oo did on Live At Leeds. Pete Townshend isn’t really known for his lead guitar work, but he was on fire that night.
19) “Dixie”—BLACK OAK ARKANSAS (1974) Granny on “The Beverly Hillbillies” would have loved this remake of her favorite song!
20) “Hey Little Boy”—DIVINYLS (1988) Divinyls strike again with a re-genderfied version of Syndicate of Sound’s 1966 hit “Hey Little Girl”
21) “Higher Ground”—RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS (1989) Stevie Wonder’s funky classic gets even funkier with Flea’s bass playing.
22) “Rockin’ At Midnight”--THE HONEYDRIPPERS (1985) Led Zeppelin’s Robert Plant croons this update of 1949 hit by Roy Brown, blowing away the remake Elvis tried to make.
23) “Dear Dad”—DAVE EDMUNDS (1982) There have been a zillion Chuck Berry covers. Dave Edmunds and George Thorogood account for maybe a third of them, and this one is pretty dandy. All about a guy asking his pappy for a Cadillac to replace his P.O.S. car, and you gotta love the punchline at the end, “Sincerely, your beloved son, Henry Jr. Ford.”
24) "Twist And Shout"—THE BEATLES (1963) Gotta give it up to John Lennon for somehow winging this one in just one take. He already had a cold, and his voice was shot to hell after recording all day long to complete The Beatles' first album.
25) “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”—DEVO (1978) Almost unrecognizable remake of the Stones’ classic, but somehow, it still worked! Are we not men, indeed!
HONORABLE MENTION: "(You're) Having My Baby"—THE HALLELUJAH TABERNACLE CHOIR (1978) Okay, this one's fictional, courtesy of "WKRP In Cincinnati"'s Dr. Johnny Fever, but can you just imagine?
Odds and ends (mostly Odds!)
Just some random miscellany for your perusal today...
GIRLS GONE WILD
Why do guys buy those lame-ass “Girls Gone Wild” videos? As a heterosexual male, the commercials for these damn things embarrass the shit out of me! Why throw your money away just to see a bunch of drunken skanky co-ed college whores flashing their breasts and asses? I’d sooner watch a “Riverdance” video—at least the chicks on those are cute! What happened--did Cinemax stop airing those soft-core porn flicks (Emmanuelle Does Duluth, et al) on Friday nights? Come on, America, you can do better than this!
THE FAMILY TREE
You’ve no doubt heard of the Young brothers—Angus and Malcolm—of the band AC/DC. Some people aren’t aware that their older brother George was a guitarist in the ‘60s band The Easybeats who did “Friday On My Mind” and the original “I’ll Make You Happy” (later re-done by Divinyls). Well, as fate would have it, George is the oldest of the Young siblings, and Angus is the youngest, which naturally leaves Malcolm in the middle! (Place rim shot here!)
YOUR SCHOOL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
You know how car dealers often place big placards under the open hoods of cars in their lots that spell out the word “S-A-L-E”? I’m not making this up--about a year ago, I passed a used car lot that had the cars arranged to spell “S-A-E-L”!
LOOK OUT BELOW!
Totally useless information here, but below are two body parts that are formed out of the word “below”:
ELBOW
BOWEL
Confused yet? You won’t be after the next episode of “Soap”!
YOU DON'T SUPPOSE...
Actor Dick Van Dyke gets some sort of royalty from the DVD industry for the use of his initials, does he?
FUSCHI QUE APESTA?
Pardon my Spanish, but does anyone know if there is a proper form of etiquette to convey to a co-worker that they are wearing way too much perfume/cologne? If so, please give me a hint! There’s this guy I work with whom we call the “Hai-Karate Kid”, and I can literally smell him from ten yards away! Nothing wrong at all with trying to smell good for the general public, but why do some guys put on enough (usually cheap) cologne sufficient enough to bring down a large elk? One of the radiologists I work with gets plenty of mileage out of his Hai-Karate too, but we call him “Smelly Cat” because when he talks he sounds like that old cartoon character Snaggletooth (evennnnnnn…). One day last week, both “Hai-Karate Kid” and “Smelly Cat” were in the same room together, and I thought for a while we were going to have to evacuate the building! In the words of the late Jim Morrison, "Grown men were weeping…"
On the opposite end of the olfactory spectrum is a new female co-worker we’ve been dealing with lately who—how shall I put this?—doesn’t always excel at feminine hygiene, let’s say. “Madame Funkenstein” (or "Sasquatch", as I prefer to call her) also has this habit of grossing everyone out the lunch table with her atrocious table manners--chewing with her mouth open, etc. Anyway, she tries to cover up her odors with the cheap-ass perfume she wears (Eau de Black Flag, or Eau de D-Con, one or the other), but still as the day wears on, the funk starts a-risin’ around her desk area and we’re desperate for a tactful way of telling her she smells like a Port-A-Potty! Any suggestions would be most welcome by our nasal passages…
GIRLS GONE WILD
Why do guys buy those lame-ass “Girls Gone Wild” videos? As a heterosexual male, the commercials for these damn things embarrass the shit out of me! Why throw your money away just to see a bunch of drunken skanky co-ed college whores flashing their breasts and asses? I’d sooner watch a “Riverdance” video—at least the chicks on those are cute! What happened--did Cinemax stop airing those soft-core porn flicks (Emmanuelle Does Duluth, et al) on Friday nights? Come on, America, you can do better than this!
THE FAMILY TREE
You’ve no doubt heard of the Young brothers—Angus and Malcolm—of the band AC/DC. Some people aren’t aware that their older brother George was a guitarist in the ‘60s band The Easybeats who did “Friday On My Mind” and the original “I’ll Make You Happy” (later re-done by Divinyls). Well, as fate would have it, George is the oldest of the Young siblings, and Angus is the youngest, which naturally leaves Malcolm in the middle! (Place rim shot here!)
YOUR SCHOOL TAX DOLLARS AT WORK
You know how car dealers often place big placards under the open hoods of cars in their lots that spell out the word “S-A-L-E”? I’m not making this up--about a year ago, I passed a used car lot that had the cars arranged to spell “S-A-E-L”!
LOOK OUT BELOW!
Totally useless information here, but below are two body parts that are formed out of the word “below”:
ELBOW
BOWEL
Confused yet? You won’t be after the next episode of “Soap”!
YOU DON'T SUPPOSE...
Actor Dick Van Dyke gets some sort of royalty from the DVD industry for the use of his initials, does he?
FUSCHI QUE APESTA?
Pardon my Spanish, but does anyone know if there is a proper form of etiquette to convey to a co-worker that they are wearing way too much perfume/cologne? If so, please give me a hint! There’s this guy I work with whom we call the “Hai-Karate Kid”, and I can literally smell him from ten yards away! Nothing wrong at all with trying to smell good for the general public, but why do some guys put on enough (usually cheap) cologne sufficient enough to bring down a large elk? One of the radiologists I work with gets plenty of mileage out of his Hai-Karate too, but we call him “Smelly Cat” because when he talks he sounds like that old cartoon character Snaggletooth (evennnnnnn…). One day last week, both “Hai-Karate Kid” and “Smelly Cat” were in the same room together, and I thought for a while we were going to have to evacuate the building! In the words of the late Jim Morrison, "Grown men were weeping…"
On the opposite end of the olfactory spectrum is a new female co-worker we’ve been dealing with lately who—how shall I put this?—doesn’t always excel at feminine hygiene, let’s say. “Madame Funkenstein” (or "Sasquatch", as I prefer to call her) also has this habit of grossing everyone out the lunch table with her atrocious table manners--chewing with her mouth open, etc. Anyway, she tries to cover up her odors with the cheap-ass perfume she wears (Eau de Black Flag, or Eau de D-Con, one or the other), but still as the day wears on, the funk starts a-risin’ around her desk area and we’re desperate for a tactful way of telling her she smells like a Port-A-Potty! Any suggestions would be most welcome by our nasal passages…
Ahmet Ertegun (1923-2006)
Ordinarily, I wouldn't make too big a fuss about a record company executive, but I do want to acknowledge the passing of Atlantic Records co-founder Ahmet Ertegun, because he was a VERY important figure in Rock 'N' Roll. He excelled at spotting talent, and is the man responsible for bringing us singers like Ray Charles, Bobby Darin and Aretha Franklin and groups like Led Zeppelin and my boys Black Oak Arkansas, among many others. Speaking of Brother Ray, one of the funnier moments in 2004's Oscar-winning film Ray is when Ahmet (rhymes with Comet) first meets up with Ray Charles and Ray mispronounces his name "Omelet"!
Ahmet Ertegun died at age 83 from a head injury he suffered after a fall at a Rolling Stones concert in late October. The man was STILL rockin' at age 83! And ironically, at the time of his death, he looked a good ten years younger than Keith Richards! R.I.P. Ahmet...
Ahmet Ertegun died at age 83 from a head injury he suffered after a fall at a Rolling Stones concert in late October. The man was STILL rockin' at age 83! And ironically, at the time of his death, he looked a good ten years younger than Keith Richards! R.I.P. Ahmet...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
R.I.P. Lamar Hunt (1932-2006)
It’s a dark time in K.C. sports these days. For the second time in two months, we’ve lost a major sports figure here. First it was Buck O’Neil in October, and now Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt. Though not unexpected, his death is still depressing all the same.
Much will be written and said about him in the coming days, and here’s my .02 worth. I don’t think too many people realize the full impact this guy had on the professional sports world—not just in Kansas City. Look at the spectacle the Super Bowl has become—it’s practically a national holiday in our country now—and Mr. Hunt was as instrumental in making it what it is today as anyone. As for K.C., we were damn lucky to have an owner like him with deep pockets who was willing to do what it took to keep the Chiefs here. He certainly wasn’t one of these douche-bag owners like Art Modell and Al Davis who threatened to pack up his team and leave town every time the city failed to kiss his ass. He was light years ahead of his time by conceiving the dual stadium set-up and because of Lamar Hunt’s vision, Kansas City didn’t get stuck with some crappy domed stadium that would now be obsolete (or demolished already like the Kingdome). Instead Kansas City has two of the coolest stadiums in the world, and will continue to have them for many more years to come, thanks to him. And let’s not forget he was the man who gave us Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun, too. Thank you, Lamar!
It occurred to me today how Lamar Hunt even indirectly affected the course of my own life in some ways. I got to thinking—"What would life had been like if there was no Kansas City Chiefs football team when I was a kid?" They were a huge part of my formative years--hell, in my 1st-, 2nd-, and 3rd-grade school photos I wore a Chiefs shirt, so what does that tell you? But, if they didn’t exist at that time, I may not have even gotten into football at all—I might have gotten more into stock car racing or golf instead, or worse, I might have become a Dallas Cowboys fan (ewwww!). Timing is everything, they say, and without Lamar Hunt, Kansas City might not have gotten a football team until I was in my teens or 20s, and who knows how things might have been? Isn’t it amazing how certain people impact your life and you don’t even realize it?
Mr. Hunt was certainly a unique individual and a very important man around these parts, and we owe him a huge debt of gratitude, no doubt about it. So long, Lamar—ya done good. And long live "The Foolish Club"…
Much will be written and said about him in the coming days, and here’s my .02 worth. I don’t think too many people realize the full impact this guy had on the professional sports world—not just in Kansas City. Look at the spectacle the Super Bowl has become—it’s practically a national holiday in our country now—and Mr. Hunt was as instrumental in making it what it is today as anyone. As for K.C., we were damn lucky to have an owner like him with deep pockets who was willing to do what it took to keep the Chiefs here. He certainly wasn’t one of these douche-bag owners like Art Modell and Al Davis who threatened to pack up his team and leave town every time the city failed to kiss his ass. He was light years ahead of his time by conceiving the dual stadium set-up and because of Lamar Hunt’s vision, Kansas City didn’t get stuck with some crappy domed stadium that would now be obsolete (or demolished already like the Kingdome). Instead Kansas City has two of the coolest stadiums in the world, and will continue to have them for many more years to come, thanks to him. And let’s not forget he was the man who gave us Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun, too. Thank you, Lamar!
It occurred to me today how Lamar Hunt even indirectly affected the course of my own life in some ways. I got to thinking—"What would life had been like if there was no Kansas City Chiefs football team when I was a kid?" They were a huge part of my formative years--hell, in my 1st-, 2nd-, and 3rd-grade school photos I wore a Chiefs shirt, so what does that tell you? But, if they didn’t exist at that time, I may not have even gotten into football at all—I might have gotten more into stock car racing or golf instead, or worse, I might have become a Dallas Cowboys fan (ewwww!). Timing is everything, they say, and without Lamar Hunt, Kansas City might not have gotten a football team until I was in my teens or 20s, and who knows how things might have been? Isn’t it amazing how certain people impact your life and you don’t even realize it?
Mr. Hunt was certainly a unique individual and a very important man around these parts, and we owe him a huge debt of gratitude, no doubt about it. So long, Lamar—ya done good. And long live "The Foolish Club"…
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Top 10 Most Irritating Top 40 Hits of All-Time
1) "Pass The Dutchie"—MUSICAL YOUTH (1983) This one’s for you, Tom! I have to avoid listening to this one now because every time I hear it, the damn thing gets stuck in my head for a week. There is nothing more annoying than a bunch of off-key Jamaican kids "singing"!
2) "Don’t Worry, Be Happy"—BOBBY McFERRIN (1988) This cloying piece of excrement went to #1 of course. Not sure which was worse, the song itself or the video for it that featured McFerrin, Robin Williams and some other dork jacking off (well, not literally) in front of the cameras. Not one of Robin’s more stellar career moments…
3) "Rock Me Amadeus"—FALCO (1986) I couldn’t understand a word this fool was singing, if you can call that singing.
4) "You Oughtta Know"—ALANIS MORISSETTE (1995) This bitch can NOT sing--she always sounds like a cat being stepped on! And the attitude she displays on her records makes her sound like some bratty kid that needs to be taken out and spanked...
5) "Long-Haired Lover From Liverpool"—LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND (1972) The Osmond clan was on a roll in the early ‘70s, so they thought it would be cute to trot out "little" brother Jimmy to warble and shriek this hokey little ditty. It wasn’t cute—it was the ultimate '70s cringe moment! In a similar move, the "Partridge Family" producers trotted out the neighbor kid, Little Ricky Seagall to "sing" cutesy little songs at the end of each episode while everyone fawned over him. Both he and Jimmy were like fingernails on a blackboard...
6) "Buffalo Stance"—NENEH CHERRY (1989) Take away the vocals, and the backing track is actually rather tolerable here, but Cherry’s breathless jabbering makes one’s Esctat-O-Graph needle peg out on zero real quick!
7) "Jumpin’, Jumpin’"—DESTINY’S CHILD (2000) I could actually list most any Rap/Hip-Hop song here, but this one stands out for me because I was forced to hear it 3-4 times daily at work when we had to listen to the Hip-Hop station!
8) "Paper In Fire"—JOHN MELLENCAMP (1987) I could list most any Mellencamp song here too, but this one is far and away his most annoying, with those insidious fiddles screeching like monkeys on Meth-Amphetamines.
9) "How Will I Know?"—WHITNEY HOUSTON (1985)/"Smooth Criminal"--MICHAEL JACKSON (1988) [TIE] How many times could they possibly repeat the same damn phrase ("How Will I Know?"/"Are you okay, Annie?", respectively), over and over again during the same song? In Jackson's case, it was a total waste of a perfectly good backing track.
10) "Everyday Is A Winding Road"—SHERYL CROW (1997) In best Weird Al Yankovic style, just substitute "Sheryl Crow has a whiny voice!" for the title line and sing it just like she does, and you’ll get the idea!
NOTE: The above songs were so irritating to me that even "The Macarena" didn't make the cut! And Yoko Ono, Zamfir, Yanni and John Tesh would most assuredly have made my list, but alas, they never made the Top 40 (American record buyers do have SOME taste!), thus they’ll have to settle for an honorable mention here...
2) "Don’t Worry, Be Happy"—BOBBY McFERRIN (1988) This cloying piece of excrement went to #1 of course. Not sure which was worse, the song itself or the video for it that featured McFerrin, Robin Williams and some other dork jacking off (well, not literally) in front of the cameras. Not one of Robin’s more stellar career moments…
3) "Rock Me Amadeus"—FALCO (1986) I couldn’t understand a word this fool was singing, if you can call that singing.
4) "You Oughtta Know"—ALANIS MORISSETTE (1995) This bitch can NOT sing--she always sounds like a cat being stepped on! And the attitude she displays on her records makes her sound like some bratty kid that needs to be taken out and spanked...
5) "Long-Haired Lover From Liverpool"—LITTLE JIMMY OSMOND (1972) The Osmond clan was on a roll in the early ‘70s, so they thought it would be cute to trot out "little" brother Jimmy to warble and shriek this hokey little ditty. It wasn’t cute—it was the ultimate '70s cringe moment! In a similar move, the "Partridge Family" producers trotted out the neighbor kid, Little Ricky Seagall to "sing" cutesy little songs at the end of each episode while everyone fawned over him. Both he and Jimmy were like fingernails on a blackboard...
6) "Buffalo Stance"—NENEH CHERRY (1989) Take away the vocals, and the backing track is actually rather tolerable here, but Cherry’s breathless jabbering makes one’s Esctat-O-Graph needle peg out on zero real quick!
7) "Jumpin’, Jumpin’"—DESTINY’S CHILD (2000) I could actually list most any Rap/Hip-Hop song here, but this one stands out for me because I was forced to hear it 3-4 times daily at work when we had to listen to the Hip-Hop station!
8) "Paper In Fire"—JOHN MELLENCAMP (1987) I could list most any Mellencamp song here too, but this one is far and away his most annoying, with those insidious fiddles screeching like monkeys on Meth-Amphetamines.
9) "How Will I Know?"—WHITNEY HOUSTON (1985)/"Smooth Criminal"--MICHAEL JACKSON (1988) [TIE] How many times could they possibly repeat the same damn phrase ("How Will I Know?"/"Are you okay, Annie?", respectively), over and over again during the same song? In Jackson's case, it was a total waste of a perfectly good backing track.
10) "Everyday Is A Winding Road"—SHERYL CROW (1997) In best Weird Al Yankovic style, just substitute "Sheryl Crow has a whiny voice!" for the title line and sing it just like she does, and you’ll get the idea!
NOTE: The above songs were so irritating to me that even "The Macarena" didn't make the cut! And Yoko Ono, Zamfir, Yanni and John Tesh would most assuredly have made my list, but alas, they never made the Top 40 (American record buyers do have SOME taste!), thus they’ll have to settle for an honorable mention here...
Monday, December 11, 2006
When Electricity Came FROM Arkansas!
Time to praise one of my favorite underrated bands of all-time, Black Oak Arkansas. Whenever you had a band that Rolling Stone magazine’s so-called "music critics" hated (Kiss, Grand Funk Railroad, Styx, Rush, et al), chances are pretty good that I liked them, and Black Oak Arkansas is a prime example. One such critic derisively summed up BOA’s career by saying, "Black Oak’s distinguishing characteristic is that the band has three guitarists who collectively don’t even add up to one good one." This is precisely why I rarely listen to music critics! And neither does the paying public either, because BOA sold a boatload of records in the early ‘70s and they were a major concert attraction as well. Okay, I’ll readily admit that musicianship-wise BOA wasn’t a great band—a good band, but not great—but being technically proficient isn’t always as important as being entertaining. Emerson Lake & Palmer were technically very good musicians—but live in concert were about as exciting as watching paint dry! Black Oak Arkansas was a fun band, and I’ve found it’s damn near impossible to be in a bad mood while listening to them. I wish I could have seen them live during their heyday, which is highlighted on their 30th anniversary DVD on Rhino. Although the production value is a bit lacking on the DVD (there’s a graphic on it saying they played at London’s "Royal Alberts Hall"!), the old footage of the band in concert is excellent. BOA went through more personnel changes than Sprint after a layoff, but the one constant was lead singer Jim "Dandy" Mangrum (whose stage presence David Lee Roth practically stole from him), and he’s a colorful dude, to say the least. "Jim Dandy" was a minor Top 40 hit in 1974, and "Hot And Nasty" still gets a spin or two on Classic Rock stations, but there was so much more to this band, and it’s unfortunate that they get overlooked so much. So while the boys at Rolling Stone spend all their waking hours dissecting those Pink Floyd and King Crimson records note-for-note, I’ll continue to boogie to Jim and the boys. Jim Dandy to the rescue, indeed!
MY TOP 5 BLACK OAK ARKANSAS SONGS1. When Electricity Came To Arkansas
2. Rebel
3. Race With The Devil
4. Hot Rod
5. Cryin' Shame
Shut Up already, Bay-Beee!
Is there possibly a more irritating human being than ESPN’s Dick Vitale? Yes, his enthusiasm for and working knowledge of college basketball are admirable, and from what I hear, he's actually a genuinely nice man off-camera, but dammit I wish someone would stuff a dirty sweat sock in his mouth! He takes over every telecast he does and overshadows everything else going on with his breathless ravings. Every time some second-string schlub comes off the bench and makes a basket, Vitale starts praising him like he’s the second coming of Michael Jordan and goes off on these "Diaper Dandy" tangents, and it gets really old really quick. Thank goodness for March Madness and the NCAA Tournament because CBS carries it, and Dicky V. is relegated to covering the NIT on ESPN, which no one gives a rat’s spleen about anyway. It’s about the only way to shut him up! Even my mute button doesn't stand a chance against him!
My Top 10 Underrated Rock Guitar Players of All-Time
I always like to give a shout to the unappreciated, so here’s my list of Rock ‘N’ Roll’s most underrated guitarists. All of these guys know their way around the fretboard every bit as much as the big names (Clapton, Van Halen, Hendrix, et al).
1) Davey Johnstone (Elton John Band) Never gets near enough credit for his body of work, esp. on the Yellow Brick Road album.
2) Drake Levin (Paul Revere & The Raiders) Played on all their stuff up through "Hungry" and hardly anyone remembers him. Thank goodness I still do...
3) Dave Edmunds (Rockpile/solo) Rock ‘N’ Roll’s best-kept secret.
4) Neal Schon (Journey) It you look past Steve Perry’s wailing and crooning, Schon’s fretwork is pretty tasty stuff.
5) Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick) Power Pop at its finest. John Lennon once complimented him by saying "I coulda used you on 'Cold Turkey'".
6) Billy Duffy (The Cult) Flexed his muscles on 1989’s Sonic Temple CD and really put on a clinic. Too bad the band’s subsequent albums have been so bland.
7) Craig Chauquico (Jefferson Starship) Similar in melodic style to Neal Schon. He’s ventured into the world of jazz guitar in recent years, and it ain’t too shabby either.
8) Brian Setzer (The Stray Cats) "Guitar Slinger" is a pretty good description of him.
9) Allen Collins (Lynyrd Skynyrd) Played the entire solo on "Free Bird" himself! ‘Nuff said…
10) Alex Lifeson (Rush)/"Fast" Eddie Clarke (Motorhead) [TIE] Two guys you don't think of right away when listing great hard Rock guitarists, but more than worthy.
1) Davey Johnstone (Elton John Band) Never gets near enough credit for his body of work, esp. on the Yellow Brick Road album.
2) Drake Levin (Paul Revere & The Raiders) Played on all their stuff up through "Hungry" and hardly anyone remembers him. Thank goodness I still do...
3) Dave Edmunds (Rockpile/solo) Rock ‘N’ Roll’s best-kept secret.
4) Neal Schon (Journey) It you look past Steve Perry’s wailing and crooning, Schon’s fretwork is pretty tasty stuff.
5) Rick Nielsen (Cheap Trick) Power Pop at its finest. John Lennon once complimented him by saying "I coulda used you on 'Cold Turkey'".
6) Billy Duffy (The Cult) Flexed his muscles on 1989’s Sonic Temple CD and really put on a clinic. Too bad the band’s subsequent albums have been so bland.
7) Craig Chauquico (Jefferson Starship) Similar in melodic style to Neal Schon. He’s ventured into the world of jazz guitar in recent years, and it ain’t too shabby either.
8) Brian Setzer (The Stray Cats) "Guitar Slinger" is a pretty good description of him.
9) Allen Collins (Lynyrd Skynyrd) Played the entire solo on "Free Bird" himself! ‘Nuff said…
10) Alex Lifeson (Rush)/"Fast" Eddie Clarke (Motorhead) [TIE] Two guys you don't think of right away when listing great hard Rock guitarists, but more than worthy.
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